Reno 911! (2003) s02e11 Episode Script

( jones ) he worked here for a while, but he's not They're coming to pick this up.
Watch it like hawks, please.
Don't open it.
Hot brownies.
Hot brownies.
No, no.
Okay, he's not out there.
I bet it's them Counterfeit phone cards they got.
( screaming ) Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren wailing ) Free drinks for law enforcement is a That's a dangerous idea.
It's not every night, is it at that place ? ( junior ) tuesdays.
Guinness and baileys and car bombs.
Guinness and baileys-- car bombs.
Oh, dear lord, are those good.
Morning, sunshine.
( williams ) hey, girl.
Can we turn off some of the lights in here, please ? Did everybody see garcia all up on johnson ? ( wiegel ) ew ! Like a little koala bear.
On behalf of the male half of the department, I apologize for garcia.
You know that old-man perseverance Oh, here's the horny toad himself.
What's up, heartache ? ( wiegel ) I saw an "america's most wanted" last night That I'd never seen before, So it was actually good that I'd stayed home.
Okay, the first thing on the agenda, Building operations.
I'm sorry, the memo is spinning.
I'm gonna set it down for a second.
Excuse me.
Why are you wearing garcia's shirt ? ( williams ) hoo-hoo ! ( laughing ) Oh, what did you do ? What do you think we did ? Clemmy took a little moustache ride this morning.
( dangle ) oh ( all groan in disgust ) Did you see that, did you see that ? I'll do it again.
I'll do it again, see ? Go change shirts, go change shirts ! Stop kissing and go change shirts.
( shattering ) What just happened there ? Hello ? Somebody-- you dropped a pot or something ! A nice, potted plant fell down here.
( woman ) you're going to have to drag me out of here, You fuckin' cops ! That's why we're here ! That's why we're here ! Bothering us for all these years, For christ's sake.
I'm not leaving so some developers Okay, just Just calm down, mrs.
-- Hey, shit ! To the real criminals ! I am not going anywhere ! Get the riot shields.
Riot shields.
Shields, shields.
We've only come to evict you ! I hope I hit one of you, you sons of bitches.
Oh, incoming ! Yikes ! ( screaming ) Incoming ! Sooner or later, you're gonna run out of plants Hey, heads up ! Yikes.
Oh ! God ! In-- look out ! No way, no way ! And I'm gonna-- Oh ! Woah ! Shit ! You're headed for club fed, bitch, you understand that ? Oh, that's it, that's it, that's it, bitch ! Take her out ! Oh, got her on the bounce ! Yeah ! ( car alarm chirping ) Garcia is like the little mexican that could, you know ? He's been trying and trying and trying to mount that woman, And he finally got over the top.
I'm real happy for him.
Was it devastating enough that you won't go back, Or will you do it again ? I'm gonna do it again.
( groaning ) ( groaning ) Like, I know, I already know I'm gonna Do it again, you guys.
Why ? 'cause I want to.
Ew.
I did some more shots, And then someone was rubbing my neck, And it felt so good.
And I was like, "I know I should stop this, But I just don't want to," you know what I mean ? Eww.
Like, it was feeling really good but-- Like, if I looked down and saw the hands, Then it kind of made me go, "ugh".
But I didn't want it to stop.
So I just let him keep going.
And then I just did some more shots.
And then he was, like, whispering in my ear.
You know how when someone whispers in your ear, And you get all goosey-bumpy ? Did he have, like, old-man breath ? Yes.
( all groaning ) Details, details, boy, spill it.
Tell us everything.
Do tell.
Well I ain't gonna lie to you, Alcohol did lower my inhibitions a little bit.
I started talking maybe more than I should have.
I felt like a Young child being taken care of.
Her lips were soft And, uh, kisses so sweet.
The smell of a soul mate coming to Find his soul mate.
Did you get a blowjob too ? Call for backup.
Okay, here's how it's gonna go: I'll take the front, you take the back.
Yes, sir.
( dog barking ) How about I take the front, you take the back ? Uh, how about-- garcia, you take the back, You take the window, I'll take the front.
Hell, no, I got seniority, I'm taking front.
I go on the roof, you take the back.
Okay, you take the roof, I'll take the window, you take-- Wiegel ! Yes.
Good news, you're taking the back.
Ooh ! Yeah.
( barking ) God, god, god, god, god, god ! Stay still, don't move, junior.
I'm trying to lay still, you stupid Junior, lay still ! ♪ support the police ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ support the police ♪ ♪ people flip us the bird always disrespected ♪ ♪ I'm just doin' my job servin' and protectin' ♪ ♪ walkin' the beat my badge is my bling-bling ♪ ♪ rob my street I'll send your ass to sing-sing ♪ ♪ rollin' in the roller cruisin' in the cruiser ♪ ♪ I'm "a" number one and you's a three-time loser ♪ ♪ I put the "fine" in "$40 fine" ♪ ♪ I put the "cop" in "cop a feel" ♪ ♪ hell yeah ♪ ♪ step out of line your ass is mine ♪ ♪ tell the judge, 'cause you got no appeal ♪ ♪ damn ♪ ♪ ho's in the backseat, I'm ridin' shotgun ♪ ♪ you want my digits ? ♪ ♪ call 9-1-1 ♪ ♪ I'm the man in reno, the police, the 5-0, ♪ ♪ a c-o-p in the county of washoe ♪ ♪ count on my protection a'comin' through ♪ ♪ don't disrespect me and I won't shoot you ♪ ♪ you down with c-o-p ? ♪ ♪ reno s.
D.
♪ ♪ you down with c-o-p ? ♪ ♪ reno s.
D.
♪ ♪ you down with c-o-p ? ♪ ♪ reno s.
D.
♪ ♪ so punk the police ♪ ♪ peace ♪ If you ask me if I believe he bagged clemmy, No, I don't believe he did it.
I challenge him to-- ( chuckling ) He did it.
She told us all about it.
Details.
Where you going ? Where He's such a crybaby.
He just don't want nobody else to get none If he ain't getting none.
Jonesy, I'll give you some ! Well, I'm just gonna pull over for a second, If that's okay with you.
Sure, I mean, if you need to take a rest And you want me to drive or something Ow, my back.
Oh, I'm sorry.
( whispering ) here we go.
Wow, a bunch of rocks.
Those are crystals.
Really ? They've been, uh, infused with my energy.
( groaning ) Holy cow.
( speaking gibberish ) ( panting ) okay.
Okay, okay.
All right.
Ho, ho, ho ! What, what-- ouch ! Last night was a jump start, and I got feelings, And I want to do this right.
I know, but we can do it right later.
Right now, let's just do it wrong, let's just do it wrong.
You know, I cannot believe That clemmy went there.
I cannot believe it, I cannot believe it.
I really, really thought, even though they were low, I thought she had standards.
My whole picture of the world is a little bit like-- It's like I saw a video Of princess di porking a dog or something.
Or like, "hey, we panned down, "we found the other part of the mona lisa Where you see bush.
" Oh, we got a call this morning Suspicious person Trespassing on people's lawns.
That's big mike up to something.
Crystal meth and schnapps Have turned his brain into a sponge.
What the hell is he up to ? He's stealing newspapers.
Look at that, he just did it.
Just took the newspaper off that door.
Sheriff's department ! Mike ? Mike, no ! Mike, freeze, freeze, freeze ! God damn it, freeze ! No, no, no, no All right, stay right by the porsche.
Relax, man.
What the hell are you up to ? Just hanging out.
Don't try and hide 'em in the shirt, mike.
I'm standing right here.
I'm four feet away from you.
What are you doing ? Just getting some papers.
He's gonna run, he's gonna run, he's gonna run.
No, shit ! Son of a bitch ! Freeze, freeze ! On the ground, down, down ! Get down, get down on the ground, on the ground.
Oh, shit ! Oh, I slipped in poop.
Goddamn it ! Oh, man ! Stay there.
Son of a bitch.
Come on, get up out of the dog poop.
Get up, move him over here.
Oh, that's just disgusting.
You know what that is ? That's that goddamn rottweiler.
Yeah.
He shits like a man.
Yeah.
Door's locked.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Did you leave the keys in her ? Is your window down ? No, my, this one here-- Do you want me to bust the window with a rock ? No, no, we don't.
'cause you can bust it.
Hello, I have to go to jail now.
The officer's got me ! Now, you stay put there, mike, all right ? You stay there ! Oh.
Nice work, assholes.
Well, if I could read your palm, I'd say that you have a wonderful future As a nice wife and a homemaker And somebody that needs to have a happy life.
I just-- If I could read palms, but I can't, so Actually, this line says That I've got three more years on my bankruptcy.
Oh.
We're one now, you know ? We, uh-- Yeah, t-t-that's what that means, we're one, okay.
It means that you're my man.
I'd like to be your man.
And, you know, I would help you out If I had a f.
I.
C.
O.
Score that was above 480.
I'm happy for clemmy and garcia.
( chuckles ) I mean, they're each just always humping on something, They might as well hump on each other.
That's one less thing to be humped on.
I'm not surprised that they got together.
The only thing I'm really surprised about Is that he didn't get a disease, You know what I'm saying ? Well, some diseases take a couple weeks, Sometimes years to show up.
I'll keep my eye out for itchy, red bumps.
On yourself or on one of them ? Nice to see you, honey.
Good to see you.
Oh, you've never been here before, have you ? No, ma'am, I haven't.
Welcome, welcome to my lair.
My self-portraits, and I'm real proud of these.
I have a friend that customizes vans, That's you, all right.
And this is delicious.
Yeah, that is me, The warrior princess in lingerie.
I would never wear my bangs that way, but I went to the doctor today, And, uh For $2,000, I can get all the tattoos erased from my back, Which means What does that mean ? Oh, I can get-- I will have a clean canvas For when I get your name And your face tattooed there instead.
Ohh.
Because you're my man, you're my man.
Okay And I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you, too.
Yeah ? Yeah.
Sugarplum.
So, I can cover the $2,000.
What I need you to do for me Is give me $700 so I can go to my guy and get-- I need $700 and a recent picture, And then I'll have-- What are you not doing right now ? Thank you, thank you ! We've been having a book drive here at the station for kids, And put a donation box out here, and, uh Sure enough, somebody pooped In the book-donation box, so, uh ( retching ) That's "the giving tree" there.
A wonderful book about a little boy, And he's friends with a tree.
This book-- The first time I saw it, it made me cry.
And it makes me want to cry that somebody pooped on it.
Got poop all over it.
The ironic thing is that the last thing The tree gives the boy is a nice place to sit.
Oh, jim, it got me, it got me.
Ohh ! What the hell are you doing ? Why don't you just burn 'em, or get rid of 'em ? They're for children.
You're gonna give children crap-stained books ? That's why we're cleaning them.
And they're poor children.
Get it out.
Hey, hey Hey, hey ! "the wind in the willows.
" You got a latte.
Thank you, junior.
Well, here, I don't want to get-- hey.
Can you just sip me some ? Sip me some.
Pull my mask down and just sip me some.
I ain't gonna sip you nothing.
I'm not-- just sip me some.
No, you got poop on my face ! Oh ! Now there's coffee in the poop box ! Help, clemmy.
I got poop on-- there's poop on my face ! No, get away ! Pull my glasses up.
Not you, you.
Ah, ah ! Jim, that's windex.
Ah, god ! No, don't blow on me.
Just let me be, it burns.
You got a little bit-- No ! No, no ! I'm sorry.
Do you want me as bad as I want you ? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Well, let me finish my wine.
Oh, okay.
Smoke a little more, and then we'll Get that going.
Excuse me very much.
Oh, I did not offer you sugar for that wine.
Would you like some ? It's so much better if there's a little something in it.
Y'know, like when you're in high school, you always say, "oh, mom, I'm gonna go watch a movie with, Uh My boyfriend," And then you come home, And your lips are all swollen like ugh, And your hair's all matted, And all your makeup is absorbed into your face, And you're covered with hickeys.
And your mom says, "hey, what were you doing ?" And you say, "oh, I was just watching a movie.
" And she says, "that's my boyfriend.
I'd appreciate it if you'd stay away.
" And then I say, "well, you know what ? Why don't you shave your legs, stupid bitch, whore.
" But, we could make a movie.
( growls ) Hello, keith.
( man ) hey, guys.
How you doing ? Well, we've got a pervert on the loose, And we're gonna need to put up some signs, 'cause we don't want perverts in our community.
Wow, that's, um That looks a lot like me.
Yeah, I guess he kind of does, huh.
Yeah, I don't know if you want to put those up in here.
Oh, we've got to.
All right, guys, seriously, I can't have that in the store, man.
Yeah, I guess it would be difficult If someone thought you were a criminal of some sort, Y'know, having your face on something that says You're a criminal Of some sort, Some kind of an offender, keith.
Yeah, okay, I see what you're doing here.
Keith, come on.
The difference is, though, that was a $387 check.
$387 check.
I've got Ha ! Come on, together, together.
And Go.
Thank you.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Often we don't have enough suspects To fill out a complete lineup, And we deputies have to fill in as sort of ringers.
Junior called me last night.
Today we've got some chimney sweeps in, I guess.
So, just threw this together From my old musical-theater trunk.
( snickering ) ( junior ) number five, would you please step forward and sing "supercalifragilistic- expialidocious" ? ( cackling ) Fuck you, fuck you, fuck all of you ! Fuck you.
Fuck you ! Very, very small termite.
It grows in the bean, or they put it in the bean ? Goddamn it, goddamn it, clementine ! Goddamn it ! I mean, for crying out loud, I feel like a goddamn salt lick.
I mean, you're always on me ! I mean, uh, goddamn I just-- I can't do this anymore.
I can't be your suck-on boyfriend.
You're a real fine person, clementine.
And, uh, that's gonna be it, that's gonna be it.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
You see, it's kind of like getting a flu shot.
You know, you do it once, And then you never have to do it again, No matter how awful it is.
But now it's over.
Thank you.
I was gonna say, I'm sorry you guys quit Here's to me, here's to me.
It was a plan ! Yes, it was.
( junior ) I thought you slipped for a moment.
Why do they call it a bean if it's a worm ? Why don't they call it-- Just like sea monkeys aren't really monkeys.
Yes, they are, but they are.
( dangle ) no, they're not.
( williams ) no, they're urchins.
No, they're not urchins-- ( jones ) they're actually fish.
( junior ) what do sea-monkeys live off of ? Oh, god ! Now you just smeared it.
Is there poop on my eye ? Why are you doing this, lieutenant ? You know, I suppose we could have got some trustees.
That's a good question.
Yeah, why don't you get some trustees, I guess ? I'm burning really pretty good.
I'll go in and get on that.
And somehow this has made me hungry for tacos, so Oh, god.
You up for lunch ?