Reno 911! (2003) s02e15 Episode Script

I warn you.
What you are about to see is shocking.
( grunting ) Stop ! ( honking truck horn ) Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, no ! Why ?! Why ?! This is maria storm, Reporting from the reno sheriff's department, Where an unfolding scandal Has rocked this city to its core.
Somebody's got to take out the trash.
And I promise the citizens of reno That that person is gonna be me, mike powers.
Thank you.
I'm maria storm, channel 10 news at 10:00.
Oh, yeah.
I have some questions to ask you about the ongoing Investigation against your department.
Oh, I have no comment on that.
Lieutenant, I have some questions to ask you.
Lieutenant dangle ! Lieutenant dangle, the people have a right to know ! What about the charges ?! That's a fire lane, you can't stand there.
You can't stand there, it's a fire lane.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren wailing ) I feel like this department is standing On a vast precipice, And the very first droplet of shit is coming down In the shit storm that's gonna bury us all.
Uh, I hate to say I agree with junior.
I think the department is on its last shaky legs.
It's like a long game of twister That's coming to an end, And the d.
A.
's about to spin "left foot green.
" Nobody's gonna be able to reach it.
It's all just gonna come tumbling down Like a house of cards.
Some horrible game of twister where it's all boys, And they kill you when you lose.
All I gotta say Is when I go before the review board-- Huh, huh ? I'm going to be what ? State your name, please.
Officer raneisha williams.
And I didn't do nothing.
Officer williams, would you mind Removing your hat, please ? I keep a kleenex under there Because it sticks to my forehead.
The kleenex is fine, ma'am.
We just would prefer that you remove your hat.
This is an official investigation.
Thank you.
Can I just say my side of it ? Please.
Okay, only thing I know about Is people being racist on the force, okay ? When you ride in the car with them, They make the black officers sit in the back.
Why ? Because they say, "oh, your people, That's where your people used to being in the back.
" And, and, and, and, They throw out the "n" word.
They use it all the time.
Uh, say, can you tell me Exactly who has been using this word ? I got my fingers ready, okay ? Watch, watch, watch, watch Dangle.
Huh, huh ? Junior, wiegel, even garcia.
All of 'em.
And you know who I'm surprised at the most ? I'm surprised at dangle.
I mean, he a fag, and he calling everybody a nigger.
Well, this morning, we're serving a summons.
Pretty simple stuff, really.
Just got to put it in his hand and say, "you've been served.
" Piece of cake.
I got to go to work, fellas.
This won't take a second.
How you doing ? Hi.
You ian meltzer ? Uh, yes, I am.
Hi, you've been served.
No, I'm not ian meltzer, I'm not ian meltzer.
"meltzer.
" "meltzer.
" M-e-l-- Sir, you have to take this from me to be served, okay ? You just found a typo on my I.
D.
Actually, I don't, if it's not for me.
( cellphone ringing ) Ian meltzer's phone.
He just said "ian meltzer's phone.
" Yes, yes, I'm here.
Tell gina she can get her own ship-- Sir Sir.
I'm kind of indisposed right-- Yeah, there's some ridiculous men trying to serve me-- Sir.
Okay, tell gina-- Hang up the phone, sir, hang up the phone, sir.
Could you not talk while I'm on the phone, please ? Please ? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ! Did he get hurt ? I'm going.
We're going now.
Oh, we're going now.
Now we go.
Oh, no, no, no.
Easy.
Talk to a lawyer, sir.
I got this way blocked.
Kind of hard to put something in a fist, isn't it ? Kind of illegal to shove a summons In a fisted hand, isn't it ? I don't think it is.
It is illegal.
I don't think it is, sir.
You fight like a proud toro, okay ? Thank you.
That's why we're gonna tear it up, okay ? I'm the emperor nero, and I'm saying Thumbs up, buddy.
"Let 'em, let this one fight another day, okay ?" You guys are absolutely cool.
Please come by-- No, no, no, no ! Oh, oh, oh, oh ! No eyewitness, no eyewitness ! Joe-- eyewitness.
In your face.
It's always easier serving the brothers, you know ? Yeah, brothers just, you know Brothers just take it.
Goddamn honkies.
What's up ? Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Weasel in the wall.
( rustling ) ( squeaking ) ( pattering ) ( scratching ) ( pattering ) ( squeaking ) ( pattering ) ( squeaking ) Now, when I sit down in front of that d.
A.
, I'm just gonna do my best To look sophisticated and intelligent, Keep my mouth shut, And hopefully not piss myself.
That's good.
You manage to do that in morning briefings.
( powers ) I want you to take a look at this photograph here And tell me what you know about it.
Bailiff, if you could take this Up to officer junior.
Officer, could you remove your glasses, please ? Officer, can you s-- Can you see that ? Can you tell me what's on that picture ? That's one of the boys in the department, sir.
No, that's actually a picture of a van.
Officer junior, can you look up here ? Can you look up here for a second ? Yes, sir.
Can you see me ? How many fingers am I holding up ? Five.
Five fingers ? Both hands or one hand, sir ? No, just one ha-- it's just one hand.
Are those prescription glasses ? No, sir, don't need 'em.
Do you operate a cruiser ? I know these streets like the back of my hand, sir.
The back of your hand ? Yes, sir.
I guess you'd have to.
Do you operate a firearm ? I'm the best shot in the department, sir.
( pattering ) Shh, shh, shh Shh, shh.
( squeaking ) ( pattering ) ( cocking gun ) ( cocking gun ) Oh, god, oh, god.
Travis, travis ? You all right, travis ? Did you get the weasel ? No, we lost him.
I think you should take the 5th with the d.
A.
You know what the 5th is ? You mean tell 'em that I did it ? No, that's not the 5th.
The 5th is your right to not say anything at all.
Can you do that for me ? Why do you-- why ? Because you know the little bird in your mouth Who says terrible things sometimes.
Well, I have told him, specifically, "you stay home with the monkey in my brain, Who I asked to please never come back again.
" And I-- this time, I really yelled.
I yelled so much that my neighbor came to the door And said, "is everything okay ?" And I said, "everything is fine.
"I've asked the monkey in my brain to please quiet down And take the bird in my mouth with it.
" So, this time, jim, I'm not worried about it.
Plus, I called my doctor, And he said I could up my meds just for the day.
I think that's a wonderful idea.
It's gonna, y'know, dry me up like there's no tomorrow, But it's worth it for this.
Is it true that you are on three different kinds Of antipsychotic medication ? Yes, it is.
That's working out for you ? You're able to function on the job properly ? No, not so well.
Not so well.
Something here about a suicide attempt.
Is that-- yes.
They pick on you, don't they ? They do.
I get picked on a lot.
Trudy, they're not your friends.
No, I know that, but, you know You know who is your friend.
Who ? Mike powers is your friend.
Really ? You betcha.
Well, I do have some dirt, So I could be of great use-- What did you hear about officer jones ? He's a spiteful Hateful Violent ? Violent.
Da Nger To this force.
And if I were in charge, I would get rid of him immediately.
Thank you.
Who else ? Garcia ? Out.
Dangle ? He, uh, f-f-f-- Frust-- He's fru-- he's frustrated.
Since Since Sexual Sex-- since sexual Is that so ? Yes, sir, yes.
You say he's unprofessional.
Oh, very unprofessional.
Very unprofessional.
Very, very.
I'll tell you one thing.
Yeah ? Jones and garcia, they killed that guy.
Everybody knows it, everybody knows it.
Thank you, officer wiegel.
You're absolutely welcome.
Can I go now ? You did good, trudy.
My kingdom needs more children.
Sheriff's department.
Excuse us, folks, excuse us.
Excuse us.
Hello ? Show's over.
Back at 3:00, back at 3:00.
No, no back at 3:00.
The show's over.
Last time I checked, this was a free country.
Listen, man, listen, listen.
You've been warned a couple times, And you can't do the puppet show Here in the park.
Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.
I didn't know I was in Russia.
Look, I'm doing this for funzies.
This is out of pocket for me, okay ? I don't-- this is-- I don't work because I'm on disability, So I have the free-- I'm not-- My wife is on disability.
We both have-- If you just eat pancakes, you can stretch it like crazy.
Poor dear, she's 350 pounds.
When she walks, her legs break.
So that's the problem at my home.
Someone called in and said that there was Something sexually suggestive going on here.
Lewd and lascivious behavior.
When I'm doing the puppet show, I mean, I'm not here, okay ? I'm a channel for the puppets.
If they have a story to tell, It's not up to me what they say.
Open the curtain ! Now ! Oh, oh Oh, oh Let me explain this first.
Please don't leave.
There goes my audience.
People, don't leave.
What's the matter with you ? Now you've ruined-- There was an illusion here, and now it's gone Because they know it's me and not a magical snake.
Get out, get out ! Come on out of there ! Oh ! Oh, man ! Very bright out.
My pants ? Please, this is puppet theater.
Like I have time to worry about what I'm gonna wear.
I'm in a box, and it's hot in there.
Plus, I need a lot of freedom of movement.
Next show, 3:30 ! No, no, no ! Wow.
That was some turkey dinner, huh, carlo ? I'm stuffed.
Let's hit the road.
Stuffed ? That's funny 'cause we had stuffing as a side Dish with our turkey.
( wailing siren ) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Y'all, hold up right there.
Y'all ain't going nowhere.
But we haven't had any alcohol or booze or pills.
Oh, yeah, what do you call this ? A turkey leg.
That's not drugs.
The hell it ain't ! People, don't let this happen to you.
Get the facts.
The truth is tryptophan, a hormone found in turkey, Acts like a tranquilizer And can be a silent killer behind the wheel.
So, the next time you have to drive ( all ) have a tuna sandwich and some melon Instead of turkey.
Number four, give me, like, You're-caught-in-a-funky- disco-wind-tunnel robot.
( jones ) aw, see.
Doesn't look like a wind tunnel.
( wiegel ) I think that looks like a wind tunnel.
Okay, pretty good, actually, guys.
I thought it was really good.
Don't-- what did I say about the button ? I'm sorry, it was great.
I'm in charge of the button.
Number three, you've been sent from the future to rock us.
How about that ? Give that a shot.
That's pretty good at that.
Is that a lighter or something ? ( jones ) yeah, that was a lighter.
Knock it off, stop.
I can't fuckin' stand these motherfuckers.
If we get them off the street, Out of the public eye for six or eight hours, We're doing a service.
Guys, could I-- will you please let me out of here ? I'm starting to feel like I'm ex-ing a little bit.
The most important thing About this investigation with the d.
A.
Is that I know for a fact We have an ace up our sleeve.
And the ace up our sleeve Is sheriff walter chechekevitch, Who, believe it or not, Is a very good man in a tight corner.
♪ I wish I were in dixie away, away ♪ sir ? Sir.
Um, sheriff ? Sheriff ? ♪ Look away, look away ♪ ♪ a way down south in-- ♪ Sheriff ? Sir.
Good morning.
Good morning, sir.
There's some very serious accusations Regarding the reno sheriff's department.
And you are sheriff of reno.
Is that correct, sir ? Sir, I am.
And how long have you been sheriff of reno ? And how would you describe the behavior Of this department ? Top-notch, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Sir, how-- if I can ask you-- How often are you actually in The reno sheriff's department ? Oh, I would say-- And when I say that, sir, I mean the actual physical building.
Oh, one or two days a week, at least.
It's sort of a part-time thing for you Is what you're saying.
Well, no, I mean, as the commanding officer, I am called into the field for any kind of Well, is that field actually in the state of nevada, sir, Is my question.
The great state of nevada.
The great-- I have over 67 counts from citizens of reno Against this department.
Now, are you, are you all right, sir ? What is that ? Sheriff, that's a bulletin board.
If you could please keep your attention focused up here, That would help me a great deal.
♪ I wish I were in dixieland away, away ♪ ♪ away down south in dixieland ♪ Sheriff, sheriff ? Thank you white boy-- looking for a "t".
Come on, roll them bones, roll them bones.
Oh, oh, oh ! There you go ! Hey ! Go, go, go, go ! Run ! I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you ! Oh, hey, no.
Hey, I ain't going nowhere.
I ain't going nowhere.
What's up, what's up ? Got a little crap game going, huh ? We just doing a little do, man.
Doing a little do.
Those are my legitimate earnings, man.
What you doin' with that ? You know this is illegal.
The lloyd's bar people called.
They said you're running craps.
You're comping drinks, Which you can't be doing, to their bar.
Now, now, now, see, now, see, that-- Under normal circumstances, if this was, like, An illegal-type situation like that-- Which it is.
No, this, this is a legitimate indian casino.
Is that your peace pipe there, hoss ? I am 1/16, uh, quashahaw.
Excuse me, come again ? Quashahaw indian.
Quashahaw ? Hey, spell it for me real quick.
In indian or in white man's ? You know, for you to come up here and deny me My ethnicity and my heritage ? You know, you come up here Trying to take our land again ! No, no, no, no, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, You're not indian, And you're not allowed to run a craps game.
I got a tribal permit.
You got a tribal permit ? Can I see it, please ? It's in smoke signals.
'cause, we don't-- hey, our culture's different from y'alls.
Man, we don't, like, write Everything down on paper, you know ? We put things in, like, smoke and feathers And stuff, man.
Time to go, time to go.
Give me this.
Come on, man ! Give a brother a break.
Ha, "brother", he said, "brother" ! Indians don't say "brother" ! Indians don't say "brother" motherfucker ! ( man on loudspeaker ) watch commander to the bridge.
Watch commander to the bridge.
Surprise ! Happy birthday ! Oh, my gosh ! I can't believe this ! What ? I didn't even know-- I didn't know you even knew it was my birthday.
Of course I knew it was your birthday.
Well, this is great.
Do you want to blow them out ? Yes.
( blowing ) Wait, blow harder.
I don't think it's-- No, blow harder.
( chuckling ) Good, you have good, strong, lungs still.
You really thought I could do it from there.
There's a surprise in there for you that I-- Oh, really, what is it ? She put a surprise in the cake.
No, craig, it's a surprise in the cake.
A surprise like a cracker jack surprise.
Sort of.
Like, a special filling that's in the cake That you might be able to find useful.
Useful filling.
Besides eating it, I can do something else With the filling ? That sounds like fun.
I don't-- I don't think you're getting it.
It's Something I can eat and use at the same time.
Yeah, craig, something you can eat and use At the same time.
You'll figure it out.
I can't wait to figure this thing out.
Yeah, anyway.
( whispering ) craig.
( whispering ) yes.
What else can I do with the filling ? It's a file in-- Oh.
Hey, what's up ? I'm-- I-- the walls are pretty thick.
( dangle ) why are you bobbing and weav-- Am I-- is this a-- Why are you bobbing and weaving on me ? Are you trying to get me to say something ? I feel like you're holding back.
I'm not holding anything back, I'm just trying to make sure My balls don't pop out again, okay, sir ? You ever get into any sexual indiscretions with him ? I'm just asking.
It's Just you and me here And all these other people, but-- I think, sir, what we have here Is not so much a question of racial intolerance But perhaps lactose intolerance.
Would you say that's true ? This guy asked us to do this, okay ? And I think the truth Is often a very difficult and painful thing to confront, And you should all be commended For your honesty and your candor During these proceedings.
Chikawa.
( junior ) chikawa.
Yeah, the chikawa indians.
Chikawha.
Are they a plains indian, Or are they the ones who live in the-- No, man, we beautiful ! A beautiful, proud people ! Being 1/16 indian, Then this area of roughly Is considered indian land, So I can do whatever I want on it.
Hey, look, you just trying to oppress me.
This is like general custard-- This is general custard all over again.
Custer, custer, it was "custer.
" He wasn't a delicious frozen dessert.