Reno 911! (2003) s03e06 Episode Script

- Give me all of his-- - hey, hey, hey! Hey, you got to help me out here.
The guy in cell "g" is trying to hang himself.
Come on.
Hurry.
Come on.
Don't do it! Don't do it! - Sir, do not hang yourself.
- Oh, baby, I'm already hung.
[music playing.]
- Whoo! - Ah, baby! - Happy birthday.
- Oh, my god.
- Agh! Agh! -Whoo! - Come here.
- What? I'm just-- - come here.
Oh.
- Go, go, go! [zap.]
- Ho ho! Ho! - Ha ha ha! - Hey, where's your-- oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! mtv networks Captioned by the national - This is pretty exciting.
Did everybody read the memo about our beautiful sister city? - No.
- No.
- Our sister city of wanganui, new zealand? - Heh.
No.
I think I heard this one, but go ahead and tell it.
- It's not a joke.
- Oh.
- The prefect of wanganui-- - what's a prefect? - Like a mayor.
Of wanganui, will be coming to visit our fair city And meeting with the mayor, I guess, And a couple of us will need to escort him around town.
- I want to go.
- I already picked.
It's ok.
- Who'd you pick? - The people that need to know will know.
- Oh.
- Let me guess.
You're going.
- Yes.
I was gonna go do it with kimball.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
You assume just because he's a colored fella, We're gonna say something offensive or something? - How do you know he's colored? - Wanganui--I'm guessing he ain't chinese.
- But it's new zealand.
I thought they were white there.
- Can I give an english lecture? Can I give an english lesson now? We don't say "colored" anymore, by the way.
- National advancement for the association of colored people.
- But we don't say "crackers," right, anymore? - You say "crackers" all the time.
- No.
I don't say-- I write it in my report.
I don't say it.
- First thing-- "good morning, cracker.
" That's the very first thing you said to me this morning.
- Hold it down.
I'd like to commend trudy.
Trudy, would you pass up your notes for a second here? - Sure.
- I'd like to take a moment.
I don't do this very often.
I don't single any of you out And commend you on a job well done, But I'd like to commend trudy Because all the time that I've been up here talking, Trudy has drawn several things-- Turtle lady here And then lobster crab man with double penis And then a monster-mouth baby With teats and sideways vagina.
[music playing on radio.]
[police radio chatter.]
- Ma'am, would you mind turning down the music? [turns music down.]
- Hi.
- How you doing? - Ok.
How are you? - Ma'am, I suspect that if I were to search this here vehicle, I might find me a little marijuana.
- Oh, no.
- No.
No way.
No marijuana? No paraphernalia? No bongs? No scales? Nothing at all? - Definitely not.
- You're telling me this van is totally clean of all illicit substances? - Totally illicit.
- So you didn't mind if I were to come in And maybe poke around your glove box? - That'd be great.
- See, I noticed all your stickers out there, with the "legalize it.
" - Oh, yeah.
This is my neighbor's car.
- Neighbor's car, you got? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna check underneath your dash here.
- We're headed out to a sit-in up north For this tree that's gonna die.
- Yeah.
A sit-in, you got.
You don't mind if were to check underneath the vehicle, would you? - No.
That'd be great.
- Yeah.
It'd be great.
- Groovy.
- You seeUs police officers Ain't quite as dumb as you hippies think we are.
Sometimes what they do is, They strap keys of marijuana underneath the vehicle Because they think we ain't gonna search there, But goddamn.
Well, nah.
You appear to be clean.
You just try and mind the speed limits, all right? - I'll try.
Have a groovy day.
- You have a good day now.
- Thanks, officer.
- Shit! - I wish we had had time to look up A little bit of the wanganui language.
[police radio chatter.]
- I do, too.
- Well, I did have time, to be honest, last night, But I ended up-- - you just didn't.
- No.
I curled up in front of "the o.
C.
," And I had a big pint of chubby hubby, And then my morbidly obese friend margaret called, And she got talking, and she's crying.
She was all upset because they're mad at her at her job.
Anyway, long story short, I didn't learn any wanganui.
- The white zone is for immediate loading And unloading of passengers - You know, I don't know if he's gonna be able to read this sign.
So I hope we can recognize him Because I don't think he even speaks a word of english.
Wait a second.
Hello.
- Ah.
- Wow.
- Your excellency.
- Hail prefect of wanganui.
- Welcome to reno-- biggest little city-- - Oh, he is--mmm.
- New people, new customs.
- How do you do? - How do you do? Welcome to reno-- Jewel of the silver state, sisterCity - Can you believe that? - He's kissing the ground.
Reno/tahoe international airport Is honored that you would kiss its concrete, and we-- - Our concrete is not worthy.
- WeGo down? We go down.
We go down.
We go down.
Your excellency, welcome to reno-- Sister city of wanganui, jewel of the silver state.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, hello.
Hello.
It's a ritual.
- Oh, my goodness.
- It's ok.
It's a ritual.
Different people, different ways.
We shall hasten you to the mayor's office.
The mayor is our Numero-uno chieftain.
Your excellency? Visiting dignitary.
- Prefect of wanganui.
- That's the smell.
This is the way to our carriage.
- Oh, I know what'll get him in.
Hey, look at that.
- That's right.
Oh, good.
He likes that.
He likes that.
He's taking the bait.
Good, good, good.
Good, good.
Here we go.
And he's in.
Got him.
- Oh, I got him.
- Got him.
Get the foot.
Get the foot.
Get the foot.
Oh, you are a powerful, powerful man With a powerful smell.
- Oh, dear.
- The white zone is for immediate loading And unloading of passengers only.
There is no parking in the white zone.
[bell rings.]
- We've been assigned to come on down To one of the local high schools for their career day.
So what we're gonna do is, we have to get 25 signatures By the end of the day, or we don't get paid.
- It should be easy.
- Yeah.
- Plus, we're giving away free magic sponges.
You put them in water, and they grow, And they become a sponge that says, "help us clean up reno.
" It's just for fun.
It's just for later.
They remember.
- Yeah.
They're at home washing their hands, and they think, "oh, yeah.
I signed up for the police academy.
" - Today's army will give you more of an opportunity And prepare you more for life than anything else you can do.
You can go to faraway exotic places, Meet interesting people [machine gun firing.]
And force the american will on them-- Democracy, liberty, justice.
Does that sound like something you guys would want to do? - Yeah! - Give me a "hoo-ha.
" - Hoo-ha! - All right.
- Sign up for the sheriff's department.
- Free sponges.
Magic sponges.
- One sponge per customer.
- Hey, guys, welcome to the peace corps table.
I'm catalina.
Just thought I'd tell you a little bit about the organization.
It's really incredible.
We get a lot of celebrities, You know, coming to work with us.
And one time, I met bono.
I know.
- Is our sign upside down? No.
It's good.
- Ok.
Just tell us exactly what happened.
- Our daughter has been kidnapped.
We're in town for the junior miss pageant At the convention center, and we drove in from carson, And we turned our backs for a second.
- And how tall is she? - Dakota fanning's height.
- Which is what? - Which is around whatever dakota fanning-- You know, adorable.
Height--adorable.
- What does she look like? How old is she? - She's about 6, but she can-- - She can play definitely around If you put her in lifts, she can do 8.
So I would say in a 4-and-8 range.
- She's gone out for 8.
She had a callback.
She's never booked 8, but she can read 4 to 10.
- On her birth certificate, what year does it say she was born? - It says 7/4/99.
- It says July--July 4.
- Actually, her real birthday is 7/5-- - But July 4 is so much cuter.
- Phyllis thought it would be cute if it was the 4th.
- Ok.
I just need 1999.
That's all I need.
- When I say "miss america," what day do you think of? July 5? - I think of our daughter's birthday, which is July 5.
- He works in a computer store.
I mean--"ha ha!"--boring.
- Ok.
What's your daughter's name? - She goes by schk'ayler.
- Oh, god.
There's a note.
I'm so sorry.
There's a note.
- Oh, my god.
How could we forget? - Here.
Here.
The kidnappers-- - I thought you gave that to them already.
- "mom and dad, I have run away.
"don't try to follow me.
Sorry.
Love, lauren.
" - The kidnappers-- - Wait.
You said her name was schk'ayler.
This says lauren.
- That's her real name.
On her birth certificate, it's lauren, But schk'ayler is her professional name.
- Ok.
What does she answer to if we yell to her? - Schk'ayler or lauren.
- Schk'ayler.
S-c-h-k'a-y-l-e-r.
- We're gonna go, and we're gonna look for her.
We're gonna call it in.
We're gonna even do an amber alert.
- Could we maybe-- just to get the name out there, Could we make it a schk'ayler alert? - No, we can't.
We can't, and we won't - How did that amber get that gig? - And we'll put the amber alert Out after about 5 p.
M.
, if it takes that long, ok? Jackasses.
- How you doing, sweet pea? - Hi, kitten.
- You are so right.
Mommy and daddy are crazy.
You know what we gonna do, though? We're gonna take you to get an ice cream.
How about that? They don't let you eat ice cream, do they? We're gonna fatten you up before we take you back.
How about that? [snoring.]
- Wangala nua.
- Just do it the way we did it before.
This is our city hall.
- This is the hall of the city.
Our leader is in the interior awaiting your excellency.
- I think it sounds like "blah blah blah" to him.
Oh, yes.
Our natural horticulture.
That's actually a cigarette butt.
- [inhales.]
- Ah, miss striker.
Perfect timing.
- Welcome.
On behalf of the mayor's office, welcome to reno.
Welcome.
I'm miss striker.
- Don't be alarmed.
It's a form of - It's what they do.
- Worship.
- Come on.
We're so excited that you're here.
- Mm! - Ok.
All right.
- There we go.
Ahh.
- Sir? - Are they gone? - Your honor? Your excellency? - No, no, no.
- Absolutely not.
Not in a million years.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Why? Why? - Come out of there.
- Nobody take that booth.
That booth belongs to me.
- Hello.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hi.
- How we doing? - Not so good.
- We're having a little problem.
- Oh, yeah? - We can't figure this jack out.
- You can't figure it out? - Is this a jack? - Ha ha! Yes.
It is a jack.
- You got a flat tire? - Yeah.
Right here.
- I'll just go ahead and call a tow truck, then.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We don't-- I have a jack back here.
I have a jack in my trunk.
Hey, calm down, ok? - Well, ok.
- We got this.
Work with me.
Follow my lead, and - I'm gonna show you where your v-block is here.
What your v-block is, Is that's where you're gonna put your jack.
Anywhere else on the car, you're gonna damage the frame.
- How's that sound? Yeah.
- Well, hold on.
Hold on.
See, now, hear that? Hear that? Now watch this.
See this little doohickey right here? It's connected to your air filter and your carburetor.
I'm just gonna twist that a little bit.
See the difference? - You guys are so nice.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Thank you so much.
I don't know what we would've done.
- No.
Don't worry about it, you know? That's what we do, you know? You guys pay taxes for us to, you know, help you guys out.
- Pretty clean now.
- No.
You better do it a little bit more.
- Welcome to reno's finest, heywood.
Heywood jablowme.
Real cute.
- That was awkward.
- Real cute.
What have we got here? - We got a lot of names.
- We got ben dover.
- Yeah? - We got fartie lange, dick gozinia.
The hamburglar.
- Yeah.
I don't know if that one is for real.
- Yeah.
- Who threw the frisbee? - Excuse me? - Whose frisbee is this? Does it belong to you? - It belongs to our table, but no one here threw it.
- Please control your frisbees, ma'am, ok, Because it wound up over there.
That's sensitive, delicate, expensive army equipment.
- Right.
Why don't you control your military So that they stop killing civilians and innocent children? - Why don't you go hug a tree? Lady, before you start flapping your cakehole, I can kill you with this frisbee - Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! - That's interesting.
- We get to kill people, too.
Sign up.
18-week course.
You get to carry a gun.
- You should try to promote friendship and peace.
- We have 47,000 american troops In sri lanka right now doing exactly that.
It's a peacekeeping humanitarian effort.
No guns, sister.
- Excuse me.
We have 17 people working in our station right now, Except two are out on maternity leave.
It's a great opportunity to meet people And talk on telephones and drive cars.
- Keep the peace in your own streets And shoot at people who are americans.
- Damn right.
- So you're 21.
- Yeah.
- Just turned.
- Just turned? Wow, that's a fun age.
- I know.
- Are you gonna do a little drinking? - How old are you? 42? [hip-hop music playing.]
- Ok.
Here's left.
Left.
- Yeah.
Ok.
- Ok? - Ok.
- Now I'm gonna dial it up right.
Right, right, right.
- Yeah.
Yep.
That's-- - good.
- What do you guys think? Does that sound good? - That sounds better.
Yeah.
- Ok.
Here we go.
Here we go with the fader.
Here we go.
There we go with the fader right there.
Got it? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.
- Wow.
- That's how it fires.
Go ahead and fire one into the hillside there.
- Really? - Yeah.
Go ahead.
- Go ahead.
[gunshot.]
- Whoa.
Ok.
- I don't know.
You guys should meet up with us, though.
Yeah.
- Do you have a pen? - Oh, yeah.
Do I have a pen? Come on, now.
- Put it in your pocket for you.
- Oh.
Well, yeah.
- There you go.
- Ha ha ha! - All right.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
- Well, it was good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
- Ok.
- Bye-bye, ladies.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, edie.
Bye, jada.
All right.
There you go.
- Yeah.
Ha ha! You.
- We got an a.
P.
B.
For a 2005 red dodge viper, Two caucasian women, Nevada license-- charlie, roger, henry, 5-7-6.
- Wait, uh - Uh - Get the-- - they got my keys.
Got my keys.
- Our shirts are in there.
[machine gun firing.]
- Ha ha ha! - Take that, you motherfucking cocksucker! I ought to blow your fucking brains out.
- There you go.
- Ha ha ha! This is fun.
This is fun.
- Or jambo, actually, as we say in kenya.
That's south african for "hi.
" So you can learn other languages, too, and-- - What a day, huh? What a day.
- Actually, I was trying to save the pizza For people who sign up, but, um-- - I think it's great, what you chicks are doing, you know? I really believe in, like, all that, uh Singing across borders And teaching the little orientals how to play basketball.
I think, you know, you do-- I'm into all that shit.
- Thanks.
Actually, we-- We do a lot more than teach sports to orientals, And, actually, they prefer to be called asian.
Oriental, um-- you would call this oriental.
Oriental is a thing, not a person.
- I don't like to think that way.
I like to think of them as people.
- You know, teachers get the exact same Medical and dental that we get.
- Yeah.
That's-- I mean, I always thought about be a teacher.
- I'm not great with kids, I guess.
- Yeah.
- You know, if I'm gonna be aroundPeople with guns, I'd rather be armed.
- Yeah.
Isn't that the truth? - Have a good flight back to wanganui now.
- Mm.
- Your excellency.
- We got half, uh - Yeah.
We got about 30 minutes.
- Yeah.
- Wonderful.
Car is this way.
Your excellenc--oh, dear.
Where'd he go? Hey! Hey! - No, no, no, no, no.
- Ok.
[dripping.]
- "bush.
" - Ow! - Did I hear you say that you were in peru in '03? - Yeah.
I was in peru in '03.
- Because I was there.
- Really? - Yeah.
We were on that irrigation mission, you know? We were trying to-- - We were sanitizing the water for the irrigation mission.
I mean, you couldn't probably see me.
I was in camouflage, but I was there.
- I have to admit, I had no idea That the army did that kind of thing.
- Absolutely.
- I'm really impressed.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, would you be interested in getting aTea, or-- You probably drink coffee.
I could try it.
- Yeah.
I do drink coffee.
- Yeah? We could do, like, an herbal tea/coffee thing.
- That would be fun.
- Yeah.
- You're not allergic to latex, are you? - No - All right.
- Not that I know.
- I, uh I don't know if I can abandon my post, really.
- We'll watch stuff for you, if you want.
- Would you? - Yeah.
Nobody'll try anything with us here.
It's what we do.
- Thank you.
Ok.
So let's go get that drink.
- Great.
Thanks a lot.
- Ok.
We'll see you later.
- Go.
Go.
- Your excellency.
- Your excellency.
- Reno/tahoe-- no.
Don't-- Don't touch that! Your excellency.
We have been greatly honored by your visit And now we must part ways.
- Thank you for the honor, your--ohh.
- Fuck it.
Goddamn.
Ok.
Last time.
Last time.
Ok.
Very good.
No, no.
We did it.
We already did it.
Very good.
Big medicine.
Bye-bye.
- Iron bird.
Iron bird will leave.
No! No! He's going the wrong way.
- Ok.
Let's go.
- Well - He'll figure it out.
- We got him here safe.
- Yeah.
Hey [chuckles.]
Is the circus in town? - Ha ha ha! "ooga-booga-booga.
Uhh-uhh.
" Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ohh, man.
- What's up, blood? "take me to-- must eat fay wray.
" - "please bring spear.
" [both chuckle.]
mtv networks - Giving any hitler hand jobs later, sir? - Ok, first of all-- all right-- Dropping the h-bomb at the top--uncomfortable.
Right now, both of you-- Freebies, for realsies.
You and me-- one smooch.
You and me-- one smooch, no cost.
- You and us-- no smooch.
- I'm this close to really laying one on you, ok, Because it's tempting-- it's tempting-- But I think it might be the cheeto crumbs in your beard, But I've got to say not today.
- I have a comb.