Reno 911! (2003) s05e14 Episode Script
Junior Runs for Office
[chainsaw.]
Uh, good morning, gang.
All: Morning.
Again, I, uh, I apologize for the aroma.
Uh, we're going to get to the bottom of it.
Junior, what do you think is stuck in there? Smells like possum.
I'll find it.
Oh, god.
Those signs we thought were a goof That said, "many hand jobs," The real estate thing, it's not a goof.
It's a Indian guy.
That's really his name.
Manny hand jobs.
Ok.
Oh.
Uh, so, we gotta put them all back up.
It was not a prank.
I'm getting close, I think.
Uh, in other news, uh, Oh, hey, it's Reno pride day.
Jones and kimball, you've been selected To escort our oldest living World War II veteran.
Uh, parade duty, so, dress browns and look your best.
Oh, god! [yelling.]
[yelling.]
Jones: Oh, my god.
Found it.
Sheriff's department! Freeze! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [yelling.]
What? What? All right.
There's a tornado! No, no, terry! Crowd: Hell no, we won't blow.
Yeah! Oh, he's my friend! Hey, hey- Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
mtv networks Dangle: Good morning, gang.
All: Morning.
Hey, the 10k fun run for lupus is back on.
Whoo-hoo.
Yay.
Oh, sorry.
[groaning.]
[screaming.]
Why-why have you brought in the carcass of a dead goat? Uh, this one was just off the shoulder of route 395, uh- Don't need its life story.
Don't need its life story.
Skip ahead.
- Fast forward- - fast forward to I picked it up and put it on the table.
Ok, now, we gotta go back A little ways before that and explain Why you picked it up, why you put it in a garbage bag, And now, why you brought it in.
So, let's-before-yeah- You know what? Let's go scan through the middle part of the story.
So, we took them dead possums out of the wall.
Yes, sir.
I'm thinking, what do you do with dead possum? Turns out, there's a guy in town, The commissioner of animal carcass removal, He gets 8 grand per year, Part time, to get rid of dead animals.
Plus, he gets $1.
22 a pound For every animal carcass he destroys.
Cha-ching.
I'm going to run for dead animal carcass commissioner.
You can get voted in? Hell, yeah.
Every 2 years, coming up.
It just pays for beer money with dead goats.
That seems like a total no-brainer.
I could do this.
I can nail this.
Uh, congratulations? Wha-what are we saying.
[crack.]
all: Oh! Ok.
Got another call out here to the old junkyard.
What happens is The kids treat it like inspiration point.
They come up, they "run out of gas.
" And then it's frenching and fingerings all around.
Doing it and fingering.
Yep, and the night watchman calls us.
Sheriff's department.
No, we, um- Oh, ho, what's going on? No, no, no, no, no, no, don't you dare.
Don't you dare! No, no, hey, hey! No, wait! Get back here! Freeze! Don't you dare run from us! Freeze! Hey, freeze! Jones: Freeze! - Shit! - Oh poop! Hello? Man: Private property, mother fuckers! Ah, oh, fuck it! Aah! Aah! Shit! [yelling.]
Aah! Jones: Oh, my god.
[panting.]
[screams.]
Man: What the hell you doing on my land? Come on, get out! Get out! [all screaming.]
[panting.]
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[cell phone rings.]
[all screaming.]
Oh, oh.
Dangle: Oh, my god.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, my god.
Ok.
It's ok.
Oh, my god.
[engine coughing.]
We're out of gas.
Out of gas, um, hmm.
Guess we'll just have to, uh, Wait it out, I guess.
[giggling.]
Don't, don't, don't.
I'm going for gas.
If they have a three way- If I go for gas and they have a three way- If you have a three way with- Hey, hey! Shut up.
Sergeant Blake, it is an honor to drive you, sir, an honor.
What? It's an honor to drive you, sir.
Who are you talking to? To you, sir- to sergeant Blake.
You, sir.
Hey, hey! Freedom! Hey, look, we got a black driver! Back like the old days.
Who said we couldn't go back? Oh, who are you? Miss teen Reno.
Oh, yeah? How much? Oh What? How much? How much? I'm not for sale.
No, no, no, not forever.
Just for a couple of minutes, you know? I think it's very, uh, inspirational, Travis' running for office.
On paper, he doesn't look like a good candidate.
Uh, his record with the sheriff's department Is Sketchy.
He, uh, you know, There was a couple random drug tests That went kinda hinky.
Um- there's nothing random About me getting drug tested Once a week for 2 months.
That's not random.
That's you drug testing me.
True, it was specific testing.
You were acting really weird for a while there.
Yeah, I got a bad batch of something, And I just kept taking it 'cause what was I going to do? Sell it? Anyway, on paper, Doesn't look like that good a candidate.
In person Hey, how y'all doing? Look, I hate to interrupt your lap dance, But I'm just working through the neighborhood, Letting people know that I think that There's finally a decent man Running for the department of animal carcass removal commissioner.
And that's me, Travis Junior.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
This is another slick, professional politician Who doesn't care about you.
He only cares about your vote.
Oh, god, can I just dance back here? I'd rather you not, But I guess it's your call.
You're going to have to give me a second, joe.
I can't stand up right now.
Roll down your window.
How? No.
Roll down the other window, please.
Um, I apologize.
Mm-hmm.
Smells like you've had A couple drinks tonight after work, huh? No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Can I see your license and registration, please? Oh, man.
I was going to suggest that.
I don't need to run this license 'cause I see you live on 1234 happy face lane In Disneyland, USA.
It's a very nice place to live.
Mm-hmm.
Sir, I want you to look me in the eye.
Can you just look me in the eye, please? You have gorgeous eyes.
Thank you.
Thank your mother.
Oh, I will.
How many fingers am I holding up? Uh, including thumbs? Yes.
Several.
Ok.
Sir, Are you legally blind? Technically, Yes.
Ok.
How-how did you know? Oh, hi.
You know, Everybody loves animals, But those feelings change When that same animal is dead And covered with maggots in your carport.
One dead beaver or marmot in your crawlspace Can fuck up your life.
Well, I'm Travis Junior, And I'm here to help.
If you elect me commissioner of the department of animal carcass removal, Then I'll become commissioner Of the department of animal carcass removal.
Don't let your animal get caught dead without me.
Yay, Reno's number one! Drunk Indian, drunk Indian, Drunk Indian, lazy Mexican, Dumb Polack, drunk Indian.
Wow, they all came out.
Back in the day, We used to get blow jobs at this church.
Go in the back.
I don't remember his name.
Father, uh, started with a "t.
" I- I'm not-I'm not lying when I say I'm very happy to see a black boy driving a car.
Ah.
Sir, uh- 'cause for a long time, I didn't even think You guys were smart enough to ride a car.
Oh.
See that house over there? See that one right there? Yeah.
Back in the day, Me and Sebi, and Gene, and Tully, We'd go there.
We'd get 2 fat Mexicans, skinny orientals- Sure.
And one Indian girl.
Of course you did.
We got her real drunk, so she'd just pass out.
Do 'em all.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
And then, uh, Indian, We'd just use her as a pillow.
We'd sleep on her afterwards.
Williams: Who called the cops? Hello? Sheriff's department.
[Williams laughs.]
Wild and crazy guy.
I get it.
He's the jerk.
Baby, who called the police? They said we got a call that said somebody was hurt.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, hey! Whoa! I could not, personally, Be an animal carcass-ist Removaler.
Uh, my cats brought in a dead mouse the other day, And I could not handle it.
I- I didn't want to dispose of the poor thing.
I put a little dress on it, Uh, and I stuck it up in the curio cabinet.
And I tell people it's a figurine.
Dangle: Oh, for crying out loud.
We got another one of these bungee marriages.
Sheriff's department! These people have a wedding- Excuse me, you weren't invited to this.
Dangle: Yeah, I'm aware that we're not invited.
We're invited anywhere in Washoe county Where people are doing something illegal.
And if you're planning to bungee jump off this bridge, Not going to happen.
That's illegal.
Is that illegal? Yes, it's absolutely illegal.
It's absolutely illegal.
We're just combining a wedding and a bungee jump.
I total-believe me, I understand the concept, And god bless you, what a wonderful day.
And I also understand the metaphor.
You're taking a leap, it's wonderful, don't play that card.
But let me make something abundantly clear to you.
You cannot- you cannot bungee jump Off this bridge.
We sure can.
Do you want your daddy to see your mug shot All over the Internet? No.
Your mug shot will be all over the Internet.
Have you seen what happens with these Internet mug shots? Yeah.
Hey, jim, tell her about the part where She'll get raped in jail if we bring her back on her wedding day.
It-it's bad.
Take the bungee cords off, And you can have your wonderful day Right over here away from, just away from the edge.
All right? I'm coming.
Ok.
And by the power vested in me by the state of nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wiegel: Yay! [applause.]
I got it! [screaming.]
[thud.]
She's fine, she's fine.
I'm sure she's fine.
Do not look, do not look! She's fine.
Let's move this way, let's move this way, So there's no chance any of us would ever look Down to see that she is absolutely fine.
[vomiting.]
She's fine.
My associate is vomiting for a totally unrelated reason.
Yeah, I'm sorry them windows don't roll down back there.
Let me guess, now, let me guess.
Is that muskrat? Muskrat, is that- Damn, you done this before? That is muskrat.
I think I might have- There might be some subtle hints of elk.
Uh, damn, you should join the carnival, boy.
You got elk in the trunk, You got 2 muskrat, You got a couple of beaver, And-I think it used to be possum, But honestly, I can't tell no more.
There's a little bit of possum in there.
I can smell the possum.
Just a touch- a touch of possum.
Playful, but robust.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? I'll get the air conditioning.
Oh, air conditioning's busted.
Don't put it on recycle.
Put it on the air that's coming in.
Oh, it's busted anyway.
Sorry about that.
Well, maybe that's for the better.
[applause.]
And now, What better way to end today's great celebration Of Reno's 116th year as a city Than to hear from our guest of honor? U.
S.
Marine sergeant, retired, Andrew Blake.
Let's hear what he has to say about these great United States of America.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, thank you.
Sergeant Blake has had an awfully long and-and, Exhausting day.
I don't have any money! It's been very strenuous, but he did ask me to relay To all of you standing out here today How proud he is to be a spokesperson and a representative Of the fine city of Reno, And I think-uh, uh Thank you, lady officer.
Um I fought for this country, And I bled for this country, And god damn it, I will die for this country Because this is the best country around.
God bless America.
[applause.]
And now, if we could just get the faggots, And the Jews, And the spicks, And the Puerto Ricans, And the wetbacks, And the faggots, And put 'em on a rocket And send it up to the moon and blow up the moon, Then we got something, right? Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em all! God bless America.
[scattered applause.]
Mile marker 6, Farm route N14 On a code 243.
That is a animal on the highway.
Cha-ching.
You can just go around.
Oh, man.
Hey, how you doing? Hey.
What's going on? Something- Oh, look at that.
Very unfortunate, huh? Oh, it's a complete tragedy.
Tragedy.
Yeah.
There's nothing more upsetting Than to see an animal dead on the roadside.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Don't worry, My job, I'll take care of it.
This is your vocation? Well, yeah.
Animal carcass removal? Animal carcass removal.
Get rid of 'em.
You know what the most dangerous animal is? Injured? Dangerous, injured animal? Oh, you don't- it's a cat.
I'm talking about ferals.
Ferals are very, very dangerous.
I have never seen any other animal in my life Inflict so much injury No, ow! As a fucking feral cat! You understand how dangerous they are? I do, I do, sir.
And guess what you're talking to.
Aah! Some sort of feral cat enthusiast? Yes.
[screams.]
You are talking to an injured party.
Hello, I'm Jerry Salerno.
Who's that? [screams.]
Oh, Jerry Salerno, of course! We finally meet.
I am an animal carcass removal commissioner, And you've moved in on my territory.
Oh, god.
Ohh.
You understand now? Oh, yeah.
[groans.]
Well, maybe there was a little misunderstanding, So for your trouble And for picking up my cat, here.
Remember to spay and neuter your pets! [screaming.]
Are you voting for Junior For, uh, carcass removal commissioner Whatnot of it all? Hell, no! Why? Before there was animal carcass removal, There was mother earth, And mother earth took care of it.
It-it-it-animals The circle of life.
Yes.
Hakuna matata.
Other animals would come in, Dinosaurs, what have you, Would come in, take 'em out, whatever.
Ok, so, Junior doesn't get your vote Because he owes you money and used your cologne, And you're going to wait for the dinosaurs to come in And nibble at all the dead animals that are on the earth.
You got a plan.
Yeah.
Now, are you with me? Sheriff's department! Hello.
Hello, officers, how are you? I want to report a violation of the law, ok? The law of design! Have you seen the exterior paint color They're painting their trailer? [laughs.]
come on.
I mean, their trailer is, uh, dutch colonial, And they're painting it chartreuse? I mean, even I'm not that daring.
I'm going to help you out right now.
If you take off your chartreuse glasses, I think the color of that house might change, And we could go on and fight some real crime.
Go on, look over there now.
You know, it's not that bad.
Wiegel: It's a great color.
To Travis Junior! [cheering.]
May the road rise to meet you, And may it be littered with the corpses of flattened possums.
Whoo! Yeah.
Hear, hear.
Wiegel: Here it comes, here it comes.
Man on tv: And the winner of the race For animal carcass removal commissioner is Jerry Salerno.
What? I'm sorry, Travis.
[laughs.]
I just gotta say, I have never, ever felt any better Than I do right now.
Why? Buddy, you don't have to do the Lou Gehrig thing.
No, no, no.
I already took the old commissioner's bribe.
[laughing.]
Williams: What? I was all set to fail the drug test tomorrow.
You was going to fail it? How? I ate 17 hash brownies in the parking lot.
Oh, boy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm good, stop freaking out.
Everybody's all paranoid.
Ok, ok.
Everybody's getting all paranoid.
Everybody relax.
I'm going to put horse with no name on the jukebox, ok? Thank you, thank you.
Uh, bad news.
The only America they have is sister golden hair.
Travis: No! [yelling.]
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning Let me just drop A hypothetical on you right here.
Yes sir.
What if somebody I don't know Anybody at all, Happened to be traveling in the police car At this time and Fortuitously had a relationship With a police officer.
Hmm.
Would that police officer find it, Um, I don't know Falonious, if one were to say that he knew Where you could find About 2 acres of just dead animals piled up.
but dead animals Who have been skinned.
Uh, good morning, gang.
All: Morning.
Again, I, uh, I apologize for the aroma.
Uh, we're going to get to the bottom of it.
Junior, what do you think is stuck in there? Smells like possum.
I'll find it.
Oh, god.
Those signs we thought were a goof That said, "many hand jobs," The real estate thing, it's not a goof.
It's a Indian guy.
That's really his name.
Manny hand jobs.
Ok.
Oh.
Uh, so, we gotta put them all back up.
It was not a prank.
I'm getting close, I think.
Uh, in other news, uh, Oh, hey, it's Reno pride day.
Jones and kimball, you've been selected To escort our oldest living World War II veteran.
Uh, parade duty, so, dress browns and look your best.
Oh, god! [yelling.]
[yelling.]
Jones: Oh, my god.
Found it.
Sheriff's department! Freeze! Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze! [yelling.]
What? What? All right.
There's a tornado! No, no, terry! Crowd: Hell no, we won't blow.
Yeah! Oh, he's my friend! Hey, hey- Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
mtv networks Dangle: Good morning, gang.
All: Morning.
Hey, the 10k fun run for lupus is back on.
Whoo-hoo.
Yay.
Oh, sorry.
[groaning.]
[screaming.]
Why-why have you brought in the carcass of a dead goat? Uh, this one was just off the shoulder of route 395, uh- Don't need its life story.
Don't need its life story.
Skip ahead.
- Fast forward- - fast forward to I picked it up and put it on the table.
Ok, now, we gotta go back A little ways before that and explain Why you picked it up, why you put it in a garbage bag, And now, why you brought it in.
So, let's-before-yeah- You know what? Let's go scan through the middle part of the story.
So, we took them dead possums out of the wall.
Yes, sir.
I'm thinking, what do you do with dead possum? Turns out, there's a guy in town, The commissioner of animal carcass removal, He gets 8 grand per year, Part time, to get rid of dead animals.
Plus, he gets $1.
22 a pound For every animal carcass he destroys.
Cha-ching.
I'm going to run for dead animal carcass commissioner.
You can get voted in? Hell, yeah.
Every 2 years, coming up.
It just pays for beer money with dead goats.
That seems like a total no-brainer.
I could do this.
I can nail this.
Uh, congratulations? Wha-what are we saying.
[crack.]
all: Oh! Ok.
Got another call out here to the old junkyard.
What happens is The kids treat it like inspiration point.
They come up, they "run out of gas.
" And then it's frenching and fingerings all around.
Doing it and fingering.
Yep, and the night watchman calls us.
Sheriff's department.
No, we, um- Oh, ho, what's going on? No, no, no, no, no, no, don't you dare.
Don't you dare! No, no, hey, hey! No, wait! Get back here! Freeze! Don't you dare run from us! Freeze! Hey, freeze! Jones: Freeze! - Shit! - Oh poop! Hello? Man: Private property, mother fuckers! Ah, oh, fuck it! Aah! Aah! Shit! [yelling.]
Aah! Jones: Oh, my god.
[panting.]
[screams.]
Man: What the hell you doing on my land? Come on, get out! Get out! [all screaming.]
[panting.]
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[cell phone rings.]
[all screaming.]
Oh, oh.
Dangle: Oh, my god.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, my god.
Ok.
It's ok.
Oh, my god.
[engine coughing.]
We're out of gas.
Out of gas, um, hmm.
Guess we'll just have to, uh, Wait it out, I guess.
[giggling.]
Don't, don't, don't.
I'm going for gas.
If they have a three way- If I go for gas and they have a three way- If you have a three way with- Hey, hey! Shut up.
Sergeant Blake, it is an honor to drive you, sir, an honor.
What? It's an honor to drive you, sir.
Who are you talking to? To you, sir- to sergeant Blake.
You, sir.
Hey, hey! Freedom! Hey, look, we got a black driver! Back like the old days.
Who said we couldn't go back? Oh, who are you? Miss teen Reno.
Oh, yeah? How much? Oh What? How much? How much? I'm not for sale.
No, no, no, not forever.
Just for a couple of minutes, you know? I think it's very, uh, inspirational, Travis' running for office.
On paper, he doesn't look like a good candidate.
Uh, his record with the sheriff's department Is Sketchy.
He, uh, you know, There was a couple random drug tests That went kinda hinky.
Um- there's nothing random About me getting drug tested Once a week for 2 months.
That's not random.
That's you drug testing me.
True, it was specific testing.
You were acting really weird for a while there.
Yeah, I got a bad batch of something, And I just kept taking it 'cause what was I going to do? Sell it? Anyway, on paper, Doesn't look like that good a candidate.
In person Hey, how y'all doing? Look, I hate to interrupt your lap dance, But I'm just working through the neighborhood, Letting people know that I think that There's finally a decent man Running for the department of animal carcass removal commissioner.
And that's me, Travis Junior.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
This is another slick, professional politician Who doesn't care about you.
He only cares about your vote.
Oh, god, can I just dance back here? I'd rather you not, But I guess it's your call.
You're going to have to give me a second, joe.
I can't stand up right now.
Roll down your window.
How? No.
Roll down the other window, please.
Um, I apologize.
Mm-hmm.
Smells like you've had A couple drinks tonight after work, huh? No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Can I see your license and registration, please? Oh, man.
I was going to suggest that.
I don't need to run this license 'cause I see you live on 1234 happy face lane In Disneyland, USA.
It's a very nice place to live.
Mm-hmm.
Sir, I want you to look me in the eye.
Can you just look me in the eye, please? You have gorgeous eyes.
Thank you.
Thank your mother.
Oh, I will.
How many fingers am I holding up? Uh, including thumbs? Yes.
Several.
Ok.
Sir, Are you legally blind? Technically, Yes.
Ok.
How-how did you know? Oh, hi.
You know, Everybody loves animals, But those feelings change When that same animal is dead And covered with maggots in your carport.
One dead beaver or marmot in your crawlspace Can fuck up your life.
Well, I'm Travis Junior, And I'm here to help.
If you elect me commissioner of the department of animal carcass removal, Then I'll become commissioner Of the department of animal carcass removal.
Don't let your animal get caught dead without me.
Yay, Reno's number one! Drunk Indian, drunk Indian, Drunk Indian, lazy Mexican, Dumb Polack, drunk Indian.
Wow, they all came out.
Back in the day, We used to get blow jobs at this church.
Go in the back.
I don't remember his name.
Father, uh, started with a "t.
" I- I'm not-I'm not lying when I say I'm very happy to see a black boy driving a car.
Ah.
Sir, uh- 'cause for a long time, I didn't even think You guys were smart enough to ride a car.
Oh.
See that house over there? See that one right there? Yeah.
Back in the day, Me and Sebi, and Gene, and Tully, We'd go there.
We'd get 2 fat Mexicans, skinny orientals- Sure.
And one Indian girl.
Of course you did.
We got her real drunk, so she'd just pass out.
Do 'em all.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
And then, uh, Indian, We'd just use her as a pillow.
We'd sleep on her afterwards.
Williams: Who called the cops? Hello? Sheriff's department.
[Williams laughs.]
Wild and crazy guy.
I get it.
He's the jerk.
Baby, who called the police? They said we got a call that said somebody was hurt.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, hey! Whoa! I could not, personally, Be an animal carcass-ist Removaler.
Uh, my cats brought in a dead mouse the other day, And I could not handle it.
I- I didn't want to dispose of the poor thing.
I put a little dress on it, Uh, and I stuck it up in the curio cabinet.
And I tell people it's a figurine.
Dangle: Oh, for crying out loud.
We got another one of these bungee marriages.
Sheriff's department! These people have a wedding- Excuse me, you weren't invited to this.
Dangle: Yeah, I'm aware that we're not invited.
We're invited anywhere in Washoe county Where people are doing something illegal.
And if you're planning to bungee jump off this bridge, Not going to happen.
That's illegal.
Is that illegal? Yes, it's absolutely illegal.
It's absolutely illegal.
We're just combining a wedding and a bungee jump.
I total-believe me, I understand the concept, And god bless you, what a wonderful day.
And I also understand the metaphor.
You're taking a leap, it's wonderful, don't play that card.
But let me make something abundantly clear to you.
You cannot- you cannot bungee jump Off this bridge.
We sure can.
Do you want your daddy to see your mug shot All over the Internet? No.
Your mug shot will be all over the Internet.
Have you seen what happens with these Internet mug shots? Yeah.
Hey, jim, tell her about the part where She'll get raped in jail if we bring her back on her wedding day.
It-it's bad.
Take the bungee cords off, And you can have your wonderful day Right over here away from, just away from the edge.
All right? I'm coming.
Ok.
And by the power vested in me by the state of nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wiegel: Yay! [applause.]
I got it! [screaming.]
[thud.]
She's fine, she's fine.
I'm sure she's fine.
Do not look, do not look! She's fine.
Let's move this way, let's move this way, So there's no chance any of us would ever look Down to see that she is absolutely fine.
[vomiting.]
She's fine.
My associate is vomiting for a totally unrelated reason.
Yeah, I'm sorry them windows don't roll down back there.
Let me guess, now, let me guess.
Is that muskrat? Muskrat, is that- Damn, you done this before? That is muskrat.
I think I might have- There might be some subtle hints of elk.
Uh, damn, you should join the carnival, boy.
You got elk in the trunk, You got 2 muskrat, You got a couple of beaver, And-I think it used to be possum, But honestly, I can't tell no more.
There's a little bit of possum in there.
I can smell the possum.
Just a touch- a touch of possum.
Playful, but robust.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? I'll get the air conditioning.
Oh, air conditioning's busted.
Don't put it on recycle.
Put it on the air that's coming in.
Oh, it's busted anyway.
Sorry about that.
Well, maybe that's for the better.
[applause.]
And now, What better way to end today's great celebration Of Reno's 116th year as a city Than to hear from our guest of honor? U.
S.
Marine sergeant, retired, Andrew Blake.
Let's hear what he has to say about these great United States of America.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, thank you.
Sergeant Blake has had an awfully long and-and, Exhausting day.
I don't have any money! It's been very strenuous, but he did ask me to relay To all of you standing out here today How proud he is to be a spokesperson and a representative Of the fine city of Reno, And I think-uh, uh Thank you, lady officer.
Um I fought for this country, And I bled for this country, And god damn it, I will die for this country Because this is the best country around.
God bless America.
[applause.]
And now, if we could just get the faggots, And the Jews, And the spicks, And the Puerto Ricans, And the wetbacks, And the faggots, And put 'em on a rocket And send it up to the moon and blow up the moon, Then we got something, right? Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em all! God bless America.
[scattered applause.]
Mile marker 6, Farm route N14 On a code 243.
That is a animal on the highway.
Cha-ching.
You can just go around.
Oh, man.
Hey, how you doing? Hey.
What's going on? Something- Oh, look at that.
Very unfortunate, huh? Oh, it's a complete tragedy.
Tragedy.
Yeah.
There's nothing more upsetting Than to see an animal dead on the roadside.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Don't worry, My job, I'll take care of it.
This is your vocation? Well, yeah.
Animal carcass removal? Animal carcass removal.
Get rid of 'em.
You know what the most dangerous animal is? Injured? Dangerous, injured animal? Oh, you don't- it's a cat.
I'm talking about ferals.
Ferals are very, very dangerous.
I have never seen any other animal in my life Inflict so much injury No, ow! As a fucking feral cat! You understand how dangerous they are? I do, I do, sir.
And guess what you're talking to.
Aah! Some sort of feral cat enthusiast? Yes.
[screams.]
You are talking to an injured party.
Hello, I'm Jerry Salerno.
Who's that? [screams.]
Oh, Jerry Salerno, of course! We finally meet.
I am an animal carcass removal commissioner, And you've moved in on my territory.
Oh, god.
Ohh.
You understand now? Oh, yeah.
[groans.]
Well, maybe there was a little misunderstanding, So for your trouble And for picking up my cat, here.
Remember to spay and neuter your pets! [screaming.]
Are you voting for Junior For, uh, carcass removal commissioner Whatnot of it all? Hell, no! Why? Before there was animal carcass removal, There was mother earth, And mother earth took care of it.
It-it-it-animals The circle of life.
Yes.
Hakuna matata.
Other animals would come in, Dinosaurs, what have you, Would come in, take 'em out, whatever.
Ok, so, Junior doesn't get your vote Because he owes you money and used your cologne, And you're going to wait for the dinosaurs to come in And nibble at all the dead animals that are on the earth.
You got a plan.
Yeah.
Now, are you with me? Sheriff's department! Hello.
Hello, officers, how are you? I want to report a violation of the law, ok? The law of design! Have you seen the exterior paint color They're painting their trailer? [laughs.]
come on.
I mean, their trailer is, uh, dutch colonial, And they're painting it chartreuse? I mean, even I'm not that daring.
I'm going to help you out right now.
If you take off your chartreuse glasses, I think the color of that house might change, And we could go on and fight some real crime.
Go on, look over there now.
You know, it's not that bad.
Wiegel: It's a great color.
To Travis Junior! [cheering.]
May the road rise to meet you, And may it be littered with the corpses of flattened possums.
Whoo! Yeah.
Hear, hear.
Wiegel: Here it comes, here it comes.
Man on tv: And the winner of the race For animal carcass removal commissioner is Jerry Salerno.
What? I'm sorry, Travis.
[laughs.]
I just gotta say, I have never, ever felt any better Than I do right now.
Why? Buddy, you don't have to do the Lou Gehrig thing.
No, no, no.
I already took the old commissioner's bribe.
[laughing.]
Williams: What? I was all set to fail the drug test tomorrow.
You was going to fail it? How? I ate 17 hash brownies in the parking lot.
Oh, boy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm good, stop freaking out.
Everybody's all paranoid.
Ok, ok.
Everybody's getting all paranoid.
Everybody relax.
I'm going to put horse with no name on the jukebox, ok? Thank you, thank you.
Uh, bad news.
The only America they have is sister golden hair.
Travis: No! [yelling.]
mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning Let me just drop A hypothetical on you right here.
Yes sir.
What if somebody I don't know Anybody at all, Happened to be traveling in the police car At this time and Fortuitously had a relationship With a police officer.
Hmm.
Would that police officer find it, Um, I don't know Falonious, if one were to say that he knew Where you could find About 2 acres of just dead animals piled up.
but dead animals Who have been skinned.