Reno 911! (2003) s06e01 Episode Script
Training Day
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Holy poop.
I thought we got cancelled.
[Applause.]
No.
Ha.
That is the weirdest thing ever.
I could have sworn for sure we were cancelled.
Oh, jeez.
[Sniff.]
Hey, Frank.
Hey.
How you doing? You got a little, uh Thanks.
Uh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
What have you missed since you've been here? Um, jeez, so much has happened.
Uh, we finally got those new light bulbs That save us about 3 cents every 3 days on electricity.
Um we got a new kind of hepatitis.
It started right here in our jail.
So if you catch hep R, you can thank us.
We got that one going for you.
Mayor Hernandez got elected again Despite being actually videotaped, uh Smoking crack cocaine, but, uh He got the Latino vote.
Cindy's still here doing terrific, aren't ya? How's your English coming? I've been practicing a lot with you, Handsome guy.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ok, and we never ever call the lieutenant a handsome guy.
We just call them Lieutenant handsome, right.
Lieutenant.
That's right.
Sorry.
And I notice there's no glitter on those today.
No, and no nipple showing today.
Great job.
We're making improvements every single day.
And let's turn off the, uh, the TV.
[Turns off TV.]
thank you so much.
Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, what else? A couple deputies got burned up in that horrible explosion at Taco's, Taco's, Taco's.
We got the new light bulbs, New kind of hepatitis started here.
That's really about all the news that I can think of.
Man: is not here, I'm in charge.
Thank you, sergeant Jack.
And let's see.
Couple of deputies got exploded in an explosion New light bulbs, got a new kind of hepatitis.
We didn't get cancelled.
Oh.
Oh, oh! Something huge! The new coffee cups came in.
Hey! Hey! Ha ha! Stop! Son of a bitch! Goddamn it! Huh! Hang on, I'm coming! Woo-Hoo! Ow! Push 'em.
Push 'em together.
[Indistinct.]
Oh, god! [Sirens approaching.]
[Bang, bang, click, click.]
Uh! Uh! [Indistinct.]
Aah! mtv networks Dangle: good morning, gang.
All: morning.
[Yawns.]
Lieutenant's about to start.
Let's focus up and give him our attention.
Thank you, Jack.
Uh, could I ask today, Could we get a fresh start today? Let's not-Let's just not all go running out of the building If we hear the ice cream truck.
Please.
That happened once.
Yesterday.
And it looked really bad.
I didn't know there was a news crew across the street Filming whatever they were filming.
It just-It looks- It doesn't look great.
Could we just give all the money to one person, And then if we hear it Very good idea.
This will be the new plan.
The new plan is we will have a bag man, ok? May I tell you the nightmare in that scenario? Sure.
Change.
That is a nightmare.
You go there with all this different money, People ordering different things, You know, boppity bop bop.
And you come back, how do you give the change? Ok, let's get a task force together on this, But I think here is basically the plan.
The plan is we have a go-to bag man, And we all know who the bagman is If the ice cream truck is coming by.
I have an idea.
Bagman-I haven't called on you yet.
Trudy.
What if we all just get the same thing.
No, well, no, no, no, no! This isn't Russia.
This is a non-Communist country.
Not a communist country.
No, thank you.
We will not all get the same thing If the ice cream truck comes.
What we will do is we'll have a plan, ok? A plan.
[Ice cream truck music.]
ice cream truck.
Ice cream truck.
No, goddamn it! Ok, stop that.
Get me a Screwball! What do you want? Screwball! Dangle: sheriff's department! Sheriff's department.
Hey, how y'all doing? This is private property, sir.
It certainly is.
Private property.
Not your property, sir.
Mrs.
Henderson called.
She said there's a black man dressed up like a cow On crack cocaine harassing her goats.
Ok, she did? She did? Yeah, she did.
That goat was harassing me.
Really? Excuse me.
That goat was harassing me! What did the goat say to you? What did the goat say to you? He said, hey, man, why you up in this pen With your- I know you ain't a cow.
I said I didn't say I was a cow.
Your story doesn't check out.
This story doesn't check out.
What did she say? Tell me what she said, then.
Black man, cow costume, crack cocaine, Harassing my goats, trespassing on my property.
Ok, you know what? Let's refute those one by one.
Ok, I'm gonna refute 'em one by one.
Crack head.
I can't refute that one, OK.
Dress up like a cow.
Well, I'm o for 2, then, fine.
Harassing my goats.
That I didn't do 'cause I was up in here.
We're watching you right now! We saw you do it! I saw you do it! I wasn't harassing them, man! I was over here.
This m-This little- Don't point at him.
Ah! Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it! Stop! Goddamn it! Freeze! Goddamn it.
The crack makes 'em fast.
He's heading straight to mountain lion country.
You know what? They'll take care of him.
Mountains lions will get him.
It's the circle of life.
Ok, this undercover operation will be called Operation cobra fist.
You will be trailing Jesus del Gallos.
Scumbag.
Known PCP dealer.
Standard cover.
Don't get too close.
He's a dangerous mofo, del Gallos.
Catch him, bring him in.
Any questions? You sound awkward when you say mofo.
I felt bad as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Yeah, you don't own it so it sounds weird.
He's a bad guy.
Oh, and Jack wanted- He wanted to give you You want a new- He wanted to give you a whole speech about it Now you're partners and-And Yeah, well- He's been practicing all morning.
That's not true.
Yes, you were.
I heard you practicing.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
No, it was something else.
What were you practicing in the locker room? Doesn't matter.
Ok.
Do it.
Look, guys, you're partners now.
It's what he was practicing in the locker ro.
No, it's not.
You're partners now.
Yeah.
That's stronger than the bond Between a man and a woman.
That's stronger than the bond Between priest and confessor.
It was shorter when I heard it in the locker room.
It's like romantic love.
I want you to look at each other right now.
Wait, wait.
Jack, quick, quick time out.
The one you were practicing in the briefing- In the locker room this morning - I wasn't practicing.
The one you were practicing this morning I though was better and more fun.
Jim, what is operation cobra fist mean? What is that? It's, like one of the- You know, the fist of the a cobra's.
Frank: but they don't have hands.
[Tires screech, crash.]
Uh, my name is frank Salvatore Rizzo.
I'm the youngest of 3 of rose Marie and Salvatore Rizzo, Grandson of Lenny and Fina Rizzo and Cornelius and Mary lynch.
I was born in Ozone Park, Queens, Which for mistakes that I fully take responsibility for I am banned from.
Dangle: so we've got an employee here who's been terminated But will not leave the building, and security called us.
Sheriff's department.
Hey.
Mr.
Shahim? Yeah.
What's up? Uh, security called us.
You've been terminated.
They've asked you to leave the building.
Yeah.
I think there must be some sort of mistake.
No.
No, sir.
There is not, ok? Let me make a phone call.
I built this place.
No, no.
You may not make a phone call.
Let's talk about that outside.
You see the pantomime watch I'm gesturing at? Yeah.
That means I don't have all day.
Ok.
Great.
You know who else doesn't have all day? Me.
You know what? If you have a problem with this company, You got to take it up with them.
Let's settle it outside.
Let's talk about this outside.
We just want to escort you out.
We can talk about it outside.
I'll talk about that with my boss.
Ok.
You talk about it with go fuck yourself outside of my office.
Time to go! I'm gonna fall over.
No! No, no.
Now we're going wrong.
We're going wrong.
Ok.
No.
Shahim: I'm back in the office.
I'm back in the office.
I'm back in the office.
I'm back in the office.
All of your progress has now been thwarted Because I'm back in my own office safely.
No.
I'm bringing this fucking with me because I bought it.
No, no.
Put it down.
Put the fern down, put the fern down, put the fern down.
Hey, way to go.
Way to fucking back up your co-Workers.
Way to back up your fucking co-Workers, everybody.
I'm bringing the fucking printer with me, also.
No, no.
You have a pen? Anyone have a pen? Don't get the checkbook out.
Don't do that.
I'm gonna write a 7, and I'm gonna start writing zeroes.
I don't want to tease you.
It's up to one zero.
That's 70? Where were we? You get either $7.
00 or $70.
I look like the sort of person who would let you go for $70? Goddamn it! Goddamn it! He's got the run.
No, no.
Ha ha! Ok.
Yep.
Wrist control.
Feel that? You know what that is? Feel that? What is it? What is it? That's wrist control.
You feel that? Really? Because look at that.
Look what I'm doing.
Ok.
That wasn't perfect.
You're not controlling my wrist at all.
It wasn't perfect yet! I'm getting arrested for nothing by these idiots.
Ok.
I have a gun now! No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
I have a gun.
You don't want to do that.
I got a gun.
What happens now? What happens now? You shoot him, I shoot you.
That's what happens now.
Cool.
Where does that leave him? Wait.
Where does that leave me? I don't know about you guys, but I really don't have much to live for.
I have no friends, I hate my job, and most of all, I hate myself.
I can't think of anything to do but kill myself.
Trudy: hold it right there.
Before you take the easy way out, Why not check the Reno sheriff's department suicide prevention webpage? It's suuuper fun! You'll find hours and hours of things to do To keep you having fun and keep your mind off of suicide.
Games! Word jumbles! Sodoku! Word scrambles! And suggestions for terrific hobbies Like fishing, knitting, and word scrambles.
Thanks, Reno sheriff's department.
Now that I have some fantastic new hobbies, I don't want to kill myself anymore.
The Reno sheriff's department suicide prevention webpage- The most fun you can have not killing yourself.
It's superfun! Uh, I've served in Newark, Philly.
Then I went down to Homestead, Florida, worked in Miami, Went up to Pompano.
I did a couple of joint task forces in El Paso and st.
Louis, Spent one day in Juneau, one day, And a couple of months in Salt Lake City, and then I ended here.
I got a lot of experience.
I got a lot of experience.
Frank Rizzo is a man with a very long resume in law enforcement Without so many recommendations.
Not one letter of recommendation in the file, not one.
So you take-You know, They kind of balance each other out.
Long list of credits, no, like, "hey " "Hey.
Thumb's up.
" Frank: uh-Huh.
Oh! Jones: all right, Franky, let's go bust this guy now.
No.
We got to wait.
He hasn't made the deal.
If he doesn't make the deal, he doesn't get the stuff.
He doesn't have the stuff, we don't get the collar.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Just- Girl: fucking cops.
They're looking at us.
I know they're looking.
Listen.
Just relax.
I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna just settle them.
No.
Don't go over there.
Trust me on this, all right? I worked in Newark.
Ok.
What should I do? Should I just- Woman: I can do all the things a lady can do but one.
Oh, yeah? I love that.
Yeah.
Ok.
He's coming back.
Should I start the car and get the hell out of here? Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go behind the dumpster and get BJ's.
I am not-I'm not going to do that.
Listen.
Listen to me.
Do you want to let this guy go? No! Man up! Jesus Christ! Uh, this guy's named Reggie.
Woman: oh, my god.
You didn't tell me he was gorgeous.
Yeah.
I need to give her- You need to give her $60.
Oh.
All right.
I don't want to go.
Yeah, you do.
I don't want to- I don't want to.
Yeah, you do.
Oh, oh.
I'll bet you $1,000 you've tossed somebody's salad before socially, Not in a jail situation.
No.
Uh-Uh.
Come on! $1,000.
Come on.
Come on.
We got a jail cell with your name on it.
Can I just-Can I- Seriously? Mr.
Shahim, get in the car.
You know what? I'm tired, I'm tired.
We got a jail cell says, "Jack Shahim," right on it.
Jack Shahim? Yep.
My name's Daniel Shahim.
Check my I.
D.
, dumb ass.
Now if you're gonna take me to jail, take me to jail.
That's fine, OK, but I just want you to see something real quick.
Come here.
Huddle up.
Um, we actually do have the wrong guy.
We're supposed to have a James Jack Shahim.
This is Daniel Shahim.
This is your mistake.
What building- Oh, shit.
Oh, they go odd.
The odds are on that side.
We're about to meet with a confidential informant I made contact with when I first got to Reno.
First time I'm working with a partner.
Now I want you to take a backseat on this, OK? I've got a lot of experience with this.
I don't want you to spook him.
Oh.
Hey, Big T.
Meow! Ruff ruff! Pbbt pbbt pbbt.
Pppt pppt pppt.
Is that him? That's him.
What's the word on the street? The streets are getting crazy.
A lot of stuff's going down.
You want to add some specifics to that? We got some, uh, a couple zombies building some time machines.
He talks in code a lot.
Mm-Hmm.
That's how they do it on the streets, huh? That's how we do it.
Got to keep it on the down low.
So we got zombies.
Yeah.
Time machine.
I take that to be drug users and some time machines.
Means we got someone- Machines that go back in time.
Right.
Mm-Hmm.
What else you got for me, Big T? There's a big, uh, diarrhea embargo going down at midnight.
Tonight? Yeah.
Look.
You got to let me know what this is.
What's a diarrhea embargo? Yeah.
What is that.
That will get me killed if I give that up.
I swear to god I will protect you.
Why are you so skitterish today? It's-I had a big breakfast.
A big breakfast, or is this a code? No.
It's-I literally mean it was a You just had a huge breakfast? A huge amount of breakfast foods.
Welcome aboard.
Kid's a wealth of information.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm delighted to have a new right-hand man.
Jack Declan, I think, is an outstanding officer.
Comes us to by way of the Chicago police department.
Um, also young Franky Rizzo.
I will say on a serious note Nothing can ever, uh, make up for the loss Of, um, uh those ones.
Uh, the-The black guy? No.
The black guy didn't-No.
The black guy's fine.
He's still there.
And the-Come on.
The little- Chinese one.
Nothing could ever make up for the loss of our fallen deputies, But we got some great new additions.
Carol.
That was not-Never.
We never had a carol.
So we just got a bj by a dude.
You know that, right? It's my bad.
That was my bad.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
This is not good, man.
This is not good.
They're noticing us.
Our cover's gonna be blown, man.
Well, let's get the hell out of here.
No, no.
We're not gonna get the hell out.
This is what we're gonna do.
We got to go up there, buy some drugs, And snort some drugs with those guys.
What? We got to do this, or our cover's gonna be blown.
Jones: what it be? What it be like? Huh? Hey, man.
Same old shit is right.
I want to mix it up a little bit.
Hey, man.
We're looking for a party, man.
Yeah.
We want drugs.
There we go.
What up, homey? Whoo! Come on.
Let's go.
We're getting more blow jobs.
Time to get more blow jobs.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Wow! What a surprise to see you here.
Yeah.
How you doing? Heil Hitler.
Hey.
And also with you.
Mademoiselle.
Do you know why we're here? I'm assuming to taste some of our delicious new Chardonnay.
It is delicious and light.
It's like swallowing a spring breeze That was made by peaches and angels.
Ooh.
I thought were gonna say peaches and herb.
I like them, too.
This is why we're here.
"Washoe Chardonnay: A superior white wine for the superior white race.
" Yeah.
This is not testing well amongst people in the neighborhood.
Really? Yeah.
But have the people in neighborhood- You want to hold it by the stem, dear, Because your body hand- You're so warm and hot And filled with African rage, It's gonna warm that up.
She eats like an animal.
Ma'am, please, do me the honor it's peppery.
By putting that up to your big, old lips.
She loves pepper.
All right.
Go ahead.
Hold that up there.
"Mein Kampf" Chianti? Yeah.
You know? You don't see how this could be offensive to someone, someone jewy? Well, OK.
I don't use that word.
I prefer things like "my Hebraic neighbors.
" You know, we always save a glass for Elijah.
Mmm.
Now try that one.
That is gonna melt your tits.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hitler's on to something with this one.
Well, he had a couple good ideas.
Gary.
Yes, ma'am? Admittedly, your wine is fantastic.
Well, thank you very much.
Not the issue.
It's the labels people are having a problem with, And another thing.
Are the cheeses free? Yes, absolutely.
Help yourselves, And you know what else is free? For officers of Washoe county, Any bottle is yours.
How about two bottles? Two bottles and bienvenue, enchante.
I'm gonna tell you something.
Yes, ma'am? I don't like your style, But you ain't got to tell me that but one time.
All right.
How about some buttery crackers, too? Absolutely if you want.
This cracker-Heh.
Wait a minute.
What did you call me? Ha ha! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I wasn't trying to make a joke.
I was gonna say This cracker wants me some "Mein Kampf" zinfandel.
Keep an eye on Rizzo.
Let's call this operation hide the salami.
You know what? No.
We're not gonna call it that.
That's what we're calling it.
No, we're not.
You're gonna keep an eye on Rizzo I will never refer to it as- If you think he's dirty I will never refer to it as operation hide the salami.
What do you want to call it? Just call it- Call it anything.
It's not like that.
It's not espionage.
It's just- But it kind of is.
I'm asking you to keep an eye on Rizzo.
If you think he's dirty, I want to know.
Call it keep an eye on Rizzo.
No.
We'll call it- How about we'll call it watch-A the salami? How about watch the salami? Why does it have to have a salami in it? I'm not gonna remember what this operation is Unless it has salami in it.
Tss tss tss tss tss tss tss.
Come on, big fish.
Come on, you big, fat fish.
There you go.
Ok.
Are you gonna go out front, And do I flank the- Do I flank the back? Relax, relax.
Just relax.
Jesus Christ! You're like a goddamn naggy witch.
[Sniffing.]
Why are you- What are you doing? I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna buy a shitload of drugs.
Why? But I only got $15, so give me your money.
No.
I'm not giving you money - I understand.
I'm not giving you more money, Franky.
I understand.
Give me the fucking money.
Give me the fucking money.
I mean it.
Give me some fucking money, give me your credit card, Give me the whole fucking wallet Because I'm getting a lot of fucking drugs.
I'm gonna get the fish! Fine, Franky.
All right? I'm gonna get the fish.
This is against procedure, Franky.
It's not against- It's against-It's against my balls.
Franky.
Do you love America? I love America, but what the fuck is the cue? Doosh.
All right.
All right.
I- I got a blow job by a guy, did coke, And then got another blow job by another guy.
This guy's crooked.
I'm going in.
I'm gonna bust Franky.
Fuck this shit.
I'm gonna bust Franky.
Now come on! Bozo! Ha ha! Look what happened! Look.
We got the fish! We hooked the fish, Jonesy! Ha ha ha! Whoo! Oh.
Surprise, surprise.
It's a lot.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
I'll tell you something.
You're a patriot, and you love America.
Can we celebrate with some blow jobs? You know what? I want to negotiate right now Because I know you guys fucked up.
No, we didn't.
I want to negotiate right now.
No, we didn't.
Yeah, yeah.
I get to- I get to cradle him like a little baby for 30 seconds.
No, you don't.
No.
Or I'm gonna call your guys' superior.
Ok, fine.
Do it now, do it fast.
Do it right now? Just do it fast, do it fast.
Ok.
Cradle down.
Jesus Christ.
You're a baby.
Jesus Christ, man.
You're a baby.
Say, "I'm a baby.
" I'm a baby, I'm a baby.
Say it.
Say, "I'm a baby.
" I'm a baby, I'm a baby.
"I'm a cute, adorable baby.
" I'm a cute, adorable baby.
He's a baby.
I'm a cute, adorable baby.
Oh, wow.
Holy poop.
I thought we got cancelled.
[Applause.]
No.
Ha.
That is the weirdest thing ever.
I could have sworn for sure we were cancelled.
Oh, jeez.
[Sniff.]
Hey, Frank.
Hey.
How you doing? You got a little, uh Thanks.
Uh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
What have you missed since you've been here? Um, jeez, so much has happened.
Uh, we finally got those new light bulbs That save us about 3 cents every 3 days on electricity.
Um we got a new kind of hepatitis.
It started right here in our jail.
So if you catch hep R, you can thank us.
We got that one going for you.
Mayor Hernandez got elected again Despite being actually videotaped, uh Smoking crack cocaine, but, uh He got the Latino vote.
Cindy's still here doing terrific, aren't ya? How's your English coming? I've been practicing a lot with you, Handsome guy.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ok, and we never ever call the lieutenant a handsome guy.
We just call them Lieutenant handsome, right.
Lieutenant.
That's right.
Sorry.
And I notice there's no glitter on those today.
No, and no nipple showing today.
Great job.
We're making improvements every single day.
And let's turn off the, uh, the TV.
[Turns off TV.]
thank you so much.
Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, what else? A couple deputies got burned up in that horrible explosion at Taco's, Taco's, Taco's.
We got the new light bulbs, New kind of hepatitis started here.
That's really about all the news that I can think of.
Man: is not here, I'm in charge.
Thank you, sergeant Jack.
And let's see.
Couple of deputies got exploded in an explosion New light bulbs, got a new kind of hepatitis.
We didn't get cancelled.
Oh.
Oh, oh! Something huge! The new coffee cups came in.
Hey! Hey! Ha ha! Stop! Son of a bitch! Goddamn it! Huh! Hang on, I'm coming! Woo-Hoo! Ow! Push 'em.
Push 'em together.
[Indistinct.]
Oh, god! [Sirens approaching.]
[Bang, bang, click, click.]
Uh! Uh! [Indistinct.]
Aah! mtv networks Dangle: good morning, gang.
All: morning.
[Yawns.]
Lieutenant's about to start.
Let's focus up and give him our attention.
Thank you, Jack.
Uh, could I ask today, Could we get a fresh start today? Let's not-Let's just not all go running out of the building If we hear the ice cream truck.
Please.
That happened once.
Yesterday.
And it looked really bad.
I didn't know there was a news crew across the street Filming whatever they were filming.
It just-It looks- It doesn't look great.
Could we just give all the money to one person, And then if we hear it Very good idea.
This will be the new plan.
The new plan is we will have a bag man, ok? May I tell you the nightmare in that scenario? Sure.
Change.
That is a nightmare.
You go there with all this different money, People ordering different things, You know, boppity bop bop.
And you come back, how do you give the change? Ok, let's get a task force together on this, But I think here is basically the plan.
The plan is we have a go-to bag man, And we all know who the bagman is If the ice cream truck is coming by.
I have an idea.
Bagman-I haven't called on you yet.
Trudy.
What if we all just get the same thing.
No, well, no, no, no, no! This isn't Russia.
This is a non-Communist country.
Not a communist country.
No, thank you.
We will not all get the same thing If the ice cream truck comes.
What we will do is we'll have a plan, ok? A plan.
[Ice cream truck music.]
ice cream truck.
Ice cream truck.
No, goddamn it! Ok, stop that.
Get me a Screwball! What do you want? Screwball! Dangle: sheriff's department! Sheriff's department.
Hey, how y'all doing? This is private property, sir.
It certainly is.
Private property.
Not your property, sir.
Mrs.
Henderson called.
She said there's a black man dressed up like a cow On crack cocaine harassing her goats.
Ok, she did? She did? Yeah, she did.
That goat was harassing me.
Really? Excuse me.
That goat was harassing me! What did the goat say to you? What did the goat say to you? He said, hey, man, why you up in this pen With your- I know you ain't a cow.
I said I didn't say I was a cow.
Your story doesn't check out.
This story doesn't check out.
What did she say? Tell me what she said, then.
Black man, cow costume, crack cocaine, Harassing my goats, trespassing on my property.
Ok, you know what? Let's refute those one by one.
Ok, I'm gonna refute 'em one by one.
Crack head.
I can't refute that one, OK.
Dress up like a cow.
Well, I'm o for 2, then, fine.
Harassing my goats.
That I didn't do 'cause I was up in here.
We're watching you right now! We saw you do it! I saw you do it! I wasn't harassing them, man! I was over here.
This m-This little- Don't point at him.
Ah! Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it! Stop! Goddamn it! Freeze! Goddamn it.
The crack makes 'em fast.
He's heading straight to mountain lion country.
You know what? They'll take care of him.
Mountains lions will get him.
It's the circle of life.
Ok, this undercover operation will be called Operation cobra fist.
You will be trailing Jesus del Gallos.
Scumbag.
Known PCP dealer.
Standard cover.
Don't get too close.
He's a dangerous mofo, del Gallos.
Catch him, bring him in.
Any questions? You sound awkward when you say mofo.
I felt bad as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Yeah, you don't own it so it sounds weird.
He's a bad guy.
Oh, and Jack wanted- He wanted to give you You want a new- He wanted to give you a whole speech about it Now you're partners and-And Yeah, well- He's been practicing all morning.
That's not true.
Yes, you were.
I heard you practicing.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
No, it was something else.
What were you practicing in the locker room? Doesn't matter.
Ok.
Do it.
Look, guys, you're partners now.
It's what he was practicing in the locker ro.
No, it's not.
You're partners now.
Yeah.
That's stronger than the bond Between a man and a woman.
That's stronger than the bond Between priest and confessor.
It was shorter when I heard it in the locker room.
It's like romantic love.
I want you to look at each other right now.
Wait, wait.
Jack, quick, quick time out.
The one you were practicing in the briefing- In the locker room this morning - I wasn't practicing.
The one you were practicing this morning I though was better and more fun.
Jim, what is operation cobra fist mean? What is that? It's, like one of the- You know, the fist of the a cobra's.
Frank: but they don't have hands.
[Tires screech, crash.]
Uh, my name is frank Salvatore Rizzo.
I'm the youngest of 3 of rose Marie and Salvatore Rizzo, Grandson of Lenny and Fina Rizzo and Cornelius and Mary lynch.
I was born in Ozone Park, Queens, Which for mistakes that I fully take responsibility for I am banned from.
Dangle: so we've got an employee here who's been terminated But will not leave the building, and security called us.
Sheriff's department.
Hey.
Mr.
Shahim? Yeah.
What's up? Uh, security called us.
You've been terminated.
They've asked you to leave the building.
Yeah.
I think there must be some sort of mistake.
No.
No, sir.
There is not, ok? Let me make a phone call.
I built this place.
No, no.
You may not make a phone call.
Let's talk about that outside.
You see the pantomime watch I'm gesturing at? Yeah.
That means I don't have all day.
Ok.
Great.
You know who else doesn't have all day? Me.
You know what? If you have a problem with this company, You got to take it up with them.
Let's settle it outside.
Let's talk about this outside.
We just want to escort you out.
We can talk about it outside.
I'll talk about that with my boss.
Ok.
You talk about it with go fuck yourself outside of my office.
Time to go! I'm gonna fall over.
No! No, no.
Now we're going wrong.
We're going wrong.
Ok.
No.
Shahim: I'm back in the office.
I'm back in the office.
I'm back in the office.
I'm back in the office.
All of your progress has now been thwarted Because I'm back in my own office safely.
No.
I'm bringing this fucking with me because I bought it.
No, no.
Put it down.
Put the fern down, put the fern down, put the fern down.
Hey, way to go.
Way to fucking back up your co-Workers.
Way to back up your fucking co-Workers, everybody.
I'm bringing the fucking printer with me, also.
No, no.
You have a pen? Anyone have a pen? Don't get the checkbook out.
Don't do that.
I'm gonna write a 7, and I'm gonna start writing zeroes.
I don't want to tease you.
It's up to one zero.
That's 70? Where were we? You get either $7.
00 or $70.
I look like the sort of person who would let you go for $70? Goddamn it! Goddamn it! He's got the run.
No, no.
Ha ha! Ok.
Yep.
Wrist control.
Feel that? You know what that is? Feel that? What is it? What is it? That's wrist control.
You feel that? Really? Because look at that.
Look what I'm doing.
Ok.
That wasn't perfect.
You're not controlling my wrist at all.
It wasn't perfect yet! I'm getting arrested for nothing by these idiots.
Ok.
I have a gun now! No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
I have a gun.
You don't want to do that.
I got a gun.
What happens now? What happens now? You shoot him, I shoot you.
That's what happens now.
Cool.
Where does that leave him? Wait.
Where does that leave me? I don't know about you guys, but I really don't have much to live for.
I have no friends, I hate my job, and most of all, I hate myself.
I can't think of anything to do but kill myself.
Trudy: hold it right there.
Before you take the easy way out, Why not check the Reno sheriff's department suicide prevention webpage? It's suuuper fun! You'll find hours and hours of things to do To keep you having fun and keep your mind off of suicide.
Games! Word jumbles! Sodoku! Word scrambles! And suggestions for terrific hobbies Like fishing, knitting, and word scrambles.
Thanks, Reno sheriff's department.
Now that I have some fantastic new hobbies, I don't want to kill myself anymore.
The Reno sheriff's department suicide prevention webpage- The most fun you can have not killing yourself.
It's superfun! Uh, I've served in Newark, Philly.
Then I went down to Homestead, Florida, worked in Miami, Went up to Pompano.
I did a couple of joint task forces in El Paso and st.
Louis, Spent one day in Juneau, one day, And a couple of months in Salt Lake City, and then I ended here.
I got a lot of experience.
I got a lot of experience.
Frank Rizzo is a man with a very long resume in law enforcement Without so many recommendations.
Not one letter of recommendation in the file, not one.
So you take-You know, They kind of balance each other out.
Long list of credits, no, like, "hey " "Hey.
Thumb's up.
" Frank: uh-Huh.
Oh! Jones: all right, Franky, let's go bust this guy now.
No.
We got to wait.
He hasn't made the deal.
If he doesn't make the deal, he doesn't get the stuff.
He doesn't have the stuff, we don't get the collar.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Just- Girl: fucking cops.
They're looking at us.
I know they're looking.
Listen.
Just relax.
I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna just settle them.
No.
Don't go over there.
Trust me on this, all right? I worked in Newark.
Ok.
What should I do? Should I just- Woman: I can do all the things a lady can do but one.
Oh, yeah? I love that.
Yeah.
Ok.
He's coming back.
Should I start the car and get the hell out of here? Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go behind the dumpster and get BJ's.
I am not-I'm not going to do that.
Listen.
Listen to me.
Do you want to let this guy go? No! Man up! Jesus Christ! Uh, this guy's named Reggie.
Woman: oh, my god.
You didn't tell me he was gorgeous.
Yeah.
I need to give her- You need to give her $60.
Oh.
All right.
I don't want to go.
Yeah, you do.
I don't want to- I don't want to.
Yeah, you do.
Oh, oh.
I'll bet you $1,000 you've tossed somebody's salad before socially, Not in a jail situation.
No.
Uh-Uh.
Come on! $1,000.
Come on.
Come on.
We got a jail cell with your name on it.
Can I just-Can I- Seriously? Mr.
Shahim, get in the car.
You know what? I'm tired, I'm tired.
We got a jail cell says, "Jack Shahim," right on it.
Jack Shahim? Yep.
My name's Daniel Shahim.
Check my I.
D.
, dumb ass.
Now if you're gonna take me to jail, take me to jail.
That's fine, OK, but I just want you to see something real quick.
Come here.
Huddle up.
Um, we actually do have the wrong guy.
We're supposed to have a James Jack Shahim.
This is Daniel Shahim.
This is your mistake.
What building- Oh, shit.
Oh, they go odd.
The odds are on that side.
We're about to meet with a confidential informant I made contact with when I first got to Reno.
First time I'm working with a partner.
Now I want you to take a backseat on this, OK? I've got a lot of experience with this.
I don't want you to spook him.
Oh.
Hey, Big T.
Meow! Ruff ruff! Pbbt pbbt pbbt.
Pppt pppt pppt.
Is that him? That's him.
What's the word on the street? The streets are getting crazy.
A lot of stuff's going down.
You want to add some specifics to that? We got some, uh, a couple zombies building some time machines.
He talks in code a lot.
Mm-Hmm.
That's how they do it on the streets, huh? That's how we do it.
Got to keep it on the down low.
So we got zombies.
Yeah.
Time machine.
I take that to be drug users and some time machines.
Means we got someone- Machines that go back in time.
Right.
Mm-Hmm.
What else you got for me, Big T? There's a big, uh, diarrhea embargo going down at midnight.
Tonight? Yeah.
Look.
You got to let me know what this is.
What's a diarrhea embargo? Yeah.
What is that.
That will get me killed if I give that up.
I swear to god I will protect you.
Why are you so skitterish today? It's-I had a big breakfast.
A big breakfast, or is this a code? No.
It's-I literally mean it was a You just had a huge breakfast? A huge amount of breakfast foods.
Welcome aboard.
Kid's a wealth of information.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm delighted to have a new right-hand man.
Jack Declan, I think, is an outstanding officer.
Comes us to by way of the Chicago police department.
Um, also young Franky Rizzo.
I will say on a serious note Nothing can ever, uh, make up for the loss Of, um, uh those ones.
Uh, the-The black guy? No.
The black guy didn't-No.
The black guy's fine.
He's still there.
And the-Come on.
The little- Chinese one.
Nothing could ever make up for the loss of our fallen deputies, But we got some great new additions.
Carol.
That was not-Never.
We never had a carol.
So we just got a bj by a dude.
You know that, right? It's my bad.
That was my bad.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
This is not good, man.
This is not good.
They're noticing us.
Our cover's gonna be blown, man.
Well, let's get the hell out of here.
No, no.
We're not gonna get the hell out.
This is what we're gonna do.
We got to go up there, buy some drugs, And snort some drugs with those guys.
What? We got to do this, or our cover's gonna be blown.
Jones: what it be? What it be like? Huh? Hey, man.
Same old shit is right.
I want to mix it up a little bit.
Hey, man.
We're looking for a party, man.
Yeah.
We want drugs.
There we go.
What up, homey? Whoo! Come on.
Let's go.
We're getting more blow jobs.
Time to get more blow jobs.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
Wow! What a surprise to see you here.
Yeah.
How you doing? Heil Hitler.
Hey.
And also with you.
Mademoiselle.
Do you know why we're here? I'm assuming to taste some of our delicious new Chardonnay.
It is delicious and light.
It's like swallowing a spring breeze That was made by peaches and angels.
Ooh.
I thought were gonna say peaches and herb.
I like them, too.
This is why we're here.
"Washoe Chardonnay: A superior white wine for the superior white race.
" Yeah.
This is not testing well amongst people in the neighborhood.
Really? Yeah.
But have the people in neighborhood- You want to hold it by the stem, dear, Because your body hand- You're so warm and hot And filled with African rage, It's gonna warm that up.
She eats like an animal.
Ma'am, please, do me the honor it's peppery.
By putting that up to your big, old lips.
She loves pepper.
All right.
Go ahead.
Hold that up there.
"Mein Kampf" Chianti? Yeah.
You know? You don't see how this could be offensive to someone, someone jewy? Well, OK.
I don't use that word.
I prefer things like "my Hebraic neighbors.
" You know, we always save a glass for Elijah.
Mmm.
Now try that one.
That is gonna melt your tits.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hitler's on to something with this one.
Well, he had a couple good ideas.
Gary.
Yes, ma'am? Admittedly, your wine is fantastic.
Well, thank you very much.
Not the issue.
It's the labels people are having a problem with, And another thing.
Are the cheeses free? Yes, absolutely.
Help yourselves, And you know what else is free? For officers of Washoe county, Any bottle is yours.
How about two bottles? Two bottles and bienvenue, enchante.
I'm gonna tell you something.
Yes, ma'am? I don't like your style, But you ain't got to tell me that but one time.
All right.
How about some buttery crackers, too? Absolutely if you want.
This cracker-Heh.
Wait a minute.
What did you call me? Ha ha! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I wasn't trying to make a joke.
I was gonna say This cracker wants me some "Mein Kampf" zinfandel.
Keep an eye on Rizzo.
Let's call this operation hide the salami.
You know what? No.
We're not gonna call it that.
That's what we're calling it.
No, we're not.
You're gonna keep an eye on Rizzo I will never refer to it as- If you think he's dirty I will never refer to it as operation hide the salami.
What do you want to call it? Just call it- Call it anything.
It's not like that.
It's not espionage.
It's just- But it kind of is.
I'm asking you to keep an eye on Rizzo.
If you think he's dirty, I want to know.
Call it keep an eye on Rizzo.
No.
We'll call it- How about we'll call it watch-A the salami? How about watch the salami? Why does it have to have a salami in it? I'm not gonna remember what this operation is Unless it has salami in it.
Tss tss tss tss tss tss tss.
Come on, big fish.
Come on, you big, fat fish.
There you go.
Ok.
Are you gonna go out front, And do I flank the- Do I flank the back? Relax, relax.
Just relax.
Jesus Christ! You're like a goddamn naggy witch.
[Sniffing.]
Why are you- What are you doing? I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna buy a shitload of drugs.
Why? But I only got $15, so give me your money.
No.
I'm not giving you money - I understand.
I'm not giving you more money, Franky.
I understand.
Give me the fucking money.
Give me the fucking money.
I mean it.
Give me some fucking money, give me your credit card, Give me the whole fucking wallet Because I'm getting a lot of fucking drugs.
I'm gonna get the fish! Fine, Franky.
All right? I'm gonna get the fish.
This is against procedure, Franky.
It's not against- It's against-It's against my balls.
Franky.
Do you love America? I love America, but what the fuck is the cue? Doosh.
All right.
All right.
I- I got a blow job by a guy, did coke, And then got another blow job by another guy.
This guy's crooked.
I'm going in.
I'm gonna bust Franky.
Fuck this shit.
I'm gonna bust Franky.
Now come on! Bozo! Ha ha! Look what happened! Look.
We got the fish! We hooked the fish, Jonesy! Ha ha ha! Whoo! Oh.
Surprise, surprise.
It's a lot.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
I'll tell you something.
You're a patriot, and you love America.
Can we celebrate with some blow jobs? You know what? I want to negotiate right now Because I know you guys fucked up.
No, we didn't.
I want to negotiate right now.
No, we didn't.
Yeah, yeah.
I get to- I get to cradle him like a little baby for 30 seconds.
No, you don't.
No.
Or I'm gonna call your guys' superior.
Ok, fine.
Do it now, do it fast.
Do it right now? Just do it fast, do it fast.
Ok.
Cradle down.
Jesus Christ.
You're a baby.
Jesus Christ, man.
You're a baby.
Say, "I'm a baby.
" I'm a baby, I'm a baby.
Say it.
Say, "I'm a baby.
" I'm a baby, I'm a baby.
"I'm a cute, adorable baby.
" I'm a cute, adorable baby.
He's a baby.
I'm a cute, adorable baby.