Return of the Mac (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 - [crashing.]
- [screaming.]
I'm putting my foot down.
No more reality.
I want serious work.
We.
Want.
You.
- For what exactly.
- Your own late night talk show.
So not scripted.
Not scri I don't Well? Oh, God, no.
I just got offered to be a host of this - late night talk show.
- [gasps.]
- Oh, my God! You'd be perfect for that.
- Right? "Welcome aboard, Joey Lawrence?" What the [bleep.]
! First day of the new show.
This is big, Joe.
You know, after all the indecision, I'm excited.
I'm ready to go.
Ditto.
Ditto, bro.
- So pumped.
- [honking.]
- [tires screeching.]
- Whoa.
Driving that to a coffee shop? [pop music blasts from stereo.]
- Joe.
- Oh, my God.
Are you kidding? Joe Mac! - Hey - How you doing, buddy? - Joey Lawrence.
- Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Hug it out.
Hug it out.
- How you doing, man? - All right.
- It's good to see you.
- Playing you own single, huh? Oh, you heard that? Yeah.
Twentieth anniversary remix of "Nothing My Love", man.
Record label was like, you gotta do it.
- And so I did it.
- One of my favorite songs of all time.
- This is incredible by the way.
- Oh, thank you.
Dancing with The Stars in the house! - Yeah.
- You too.
- Both on "Dancing with The Stars.
" - Yeah! I didn't wanna do it actually, but my wife was like, "You gotta do it.
" So I did it.
We did well.
Got to the finals.
Went out third, sort of crushed it.
Me too.
What do you mean you too? We've been over this a million times.
We both came in third.
- You came in third? - Yup.
- Same as me? It doesn't even matter.
- Yeah.
Look the point is, it's irrelevant.
I had a way tougher season.
Yeah you did.
I watched every episode.
- Did you? - You're super flexible.
Joey Lawrence.
Alex Pike, Joe's Legs Production.
- It's great to meet you.
Big fan.
- Thank you.
Blossom.
You are unbelievable.
I heard it's coming back.
Tell me that's true.
No.
So listen, speaking of hearing things.
I heard you have your own talk show? - Yes.
- Are you kidding me? Yeah.
Thank you.
- Congratulations, buddy.
- Thank you.
- That's so great.
- I'm excited.
It's gonna be great for you.
And it's on a good network, right? Or no, it's not.
What is it on again? It's on the the uh the Seat channel.
The lazy chair thing.
- No, no, no, no.
Com-com-comfort.
- Comfy.
Comfy Comfy channel.
- Not com-fee, but comfy.
- Comfe-e? - Comfy.
- Two Es? - No Es.
- No, it's a Y.
Like, why? Why do they even have a channel? I mean Comfy channel doesn't even make any sense.
But you know what? It doesn't even matter, 'cause you have your own show and it's on that.
- Me? I'm an actor, you know.
- Thank you.
I'm not like the talk show guy, Like, "Hey, what are you doing?" I don't know, it's I think when you interview famous people, by default, like you're not famous anymore or something.
- Got it.
- I've been asked a million times, you know, which is why I passed on that show and then they offered it to you.
[upbeat tune.]
Oh.
They didn't tell you that I passed on it first before you ended up taking it? Mmm, nah.
They must've left that little tid-bit out, yeah.
Wow.
I'm that's It shouldn't be awkward though.
It's not awkward.
It's not even a bad thing.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
It's a good thing.
- Thank you.
- I like that.
You're gonna you're gonna rock it out, dude.
You know what, I think it's going to expand the resumé, instead of just the dancing and the cruise ships with the other guys.
Just that, yeah.
You guys wear earpieces? You guys do the Britney Spears thing? - Good to see you, buddy.
- Hey man, good seeing you too.
You know what, bring it in.
Bring it in.
Hey listen, we gotta hang all right.
- Sure.
- All right.
And uh, you know what Dude, you can come work out with me any time you want.
- We can get these triceps in order.
- Excellent.
And just maybe like Jesus.
- Yeah.
- Get everything in order.
- Thank you.
- If you want to some Parkour.
- That's what I do, it works.
- I love Parkour.
- Cool.
- He's busy.
I'd love to Parkour.
All right, cool.
Listen, it was great meeting you Allan.
Call me later, all right.
- Yup Alex.
- We'll check in.
Okay.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Yeah? - You're still married aren't you? - Still married.
Second time's a charm.
I'll see you soon.
Albert, good meeting you.
Remember about that Parkour.
Whoa!! What a guy.
- What a talent! - That was not an accident.
The gift basket was meant for him! Oh, my God.
That was a re-gift basket.
Of all people.
Of all people! Look where he parks! It's Joey Lawrence.
[energetic music.]
I'm Joey Mclntyre.
You know, the little guy from New Kids On The Block.
Since then, I've had my ups.
And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it with the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
- [phone ringing.]
- [sighs.]
There.
- Tri-boob.
- A tri-boob? - A tri-bum.
- Donnie! - A bum-gina.
- A bum-gina? It doesn't Maybe it does.
No.
It's obvious! How's it going, Joe? Uh, not good actually, Donnie.
I'm kind of bummed out.
What did Alex do now? It's not Alex this time.
I just found out they offered the talk show to Joey Lawrence first.
That guy? Well, that's the business, Joe.
I mean, you weren't our first choice for New Kids.
As you often remind me.
But you were the right choice.
It's not just about being second choice, Donnie.
It's that they lied to me.
[heavy sigh.]
Are we gonna play or what? Joey lost his talk show to the guy from Saved by The Bell.
Oh! I love that guy.
Look, Joe, if you want people to deal with you straight, you gotta look 'em in the eye and demand respect.
So you think I should confront them? Yes! It's like I always say, "If you don't give it to me straight, "you can't have any "food off of my plate.
" Just go full Danza on 'em, Joe.
- Show 'em who's the boss.
- Danza? Yeah.
You're right.
Okay.
Thanks.
- A camel toe.
- Yes! Finally! Yes.
What are you guys doing? [upbeat music.]
Well, here we are.
Day one! Paige, write that down.
I think I speak for both of us when I say, we are so thrilled you decided to make Comfy your television home.
And I think I speak for myself when I say, we are beyond thrilled.
We're ecstatic.
Tingling! In all the right places.
And some of the wrong ones.
[funky beat.]
Okay.
Uh Well, I wanna get going.
When do we start? First order of business, we want you to unveil the Joey Mac Show at TV Critic Con tomorrow! [shouting.]
You mean where you announce all the news shows? I mean, it's a little early.
We don't even know what the show is yet.
[chuckling.]
- Well Joe, you are the show.
- Yeah.
Not only that, but we want you to be the face the network.
Comfy's going to have a huge presence at Critic Con this year.
Medium size presence.
We can't afford huge.
Okay.
What Malcolm doesn't understand, is that money doesn't matter.
You can't put a price on art.
Oh, I most certainly can.
Uh, okay.
What-what do you want to do there? - You just do you.
- Mmm.
Blast 'em with the baby blues.
You tell 'em how excited you are for the new show, maybe do a couple boy band dance moves, then you get off the stage.
Okay, sans the boy band dance moves.
Uhm, you never know.
Everything else, sounds fun.
Yeah.
Wonderful, Joseph.
We'll send you a limo.
I downgraded it to an Uber X.
[funky music continues.]
I'm sorry, who are you? It's Malcom.
Just ignore him.
Malcom is the executive in charge of production.
- The money guy.
- Oh.
- From corporate.
- Malcom's not creative like we are.
We come up with these brilliant ideas and then Malcom takes a dump on them, and says things like, "That's too expensive" or "Hey, that's illegal.
" or uhm, "Hey, we don't reimburse for bail.
" - I don't make the rules, so - You don't make anything, Malcolm.
- You just tear things down.
- Oh, okay.
His a big party pooper.
Again, you can't have party without a budget, so.
You can't have a party without a pooper.
That's why he's on the dumb-dumb couch.
Actually, this is ultra suede.
I got a really good deal for it, so Anyway Joseph, if there's nothing more, then uh There is actually one small thing.
- Oh.
- Uh I bumped into Joey Lawrence the other day.
Uh-oh.
- Joey Lawrence? - [tense music.]
I am not aware of who that is.
Uh maybe he's the guy that you offered this show to first? I would never.
Paige! Tell me you didn't do that.
Well, we did, Sam.
But that was before we knew you were available, Joe.
I don't wanna be anybody's sloppy seconds, okay.
Well, better to be sloppy seconds than chafing firsts.
- Am I right, Malcolm? - Uh-uh.
Not uh not sure what you mean by that.
What I'm saying is, it's not a great way to start a working relationship.
You're right Joseph.
You're right.
From this moment on, I solemnly pledge, that Paige will be nothing but upfront with you.
[drum beat.]
Oh, hey.
Uh Suzy, can you validate this? Oh! Oh yeah.
That's something.
I'm so glad you noticed.
I made it myself.
It only took me 140 hours.
I haven't slept since Tuesday.
That's dedication.
Do you want one? I can totally make you one! No, really.
I'm good and you should get some sleep.
Well, too late, I already started.
Really, no.
I'm super good, yeah.
Nope.
End of conversation.
You are now validated.
And so am I.
Thank you.
Okay, I gotta go to this TV Critic Con thing.
Look, Mommy, look, Mommy.
I'm a real housewife from Beverly Hills.
Aw.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Aw, don't worry.
We'll be fine.
I've got one last nanny to interview this afternoon.
- [little girl giggling.]
- You didn't like the others? Well, no one was really connecting with the kids.
If she's good, do you wanna meet with her? No.
If you like her, hire her.
Well, I guess I'm off to the Joey Lawrence Show.
- Don't let that guy get in your head.
- [upbeat music.]
Does it bother me that when you Google Joey, his name comes up first? Yes.
Yes it does.
Oh, you poor thing.
You'll always be the first Joey in my book.
- [music continues.]
- Rest your eyes on The Comfy Capsule.
[gears whining.]
What the hell is the Comfy Capsule? It's the thing that's going to break the Internet is what it is.
You you want me to get in this thing? You're failing to see the big picture, Joseph.
Think of yourself as a space traveler emerging from cryosleep into the Comfy Universe full of viewers.
And ratings.
Sam, you really don't expect me to do this? Actually, I do.
Paige says this will really vibrate with our online community.
Joe when you emerge from that capsule now that will be a meme-able moment.
A meme-able moment? I'll be in my dressing room.
It better be a meme-able moment.
[sighs.]
[meditation music from the other room.]
You gotta be kidding me.
Hey, buddy.
Dancing with The Stars in the house! [tense drum beat.]
- Sup? - What's up, buddy? Welcome to the Sultan's tent, man.
[grunts.]
What's going on? What are you doing here? What do you mean what am I doing here? Don't you read the trades? - I just got my own show.
- On the Comfy Channel? [laughing.]
Comfy Channel.
No.
Come on, the big boy network.
- I'm prime-time.
- [Joey sighs heavily.]
It's a funny story, actually.
The day after I turned the show - they ended up getting you to do - Mm-hmm.
I got offered my own show.
Ah, it's funny how that happens.
It's weird.
It's called Joey's Gym.
It's about a highly decorated former CIA agent, who decides to open up an orphanage in his gym.
Well sounds kind of unbelievable.
Good though, very good.
Whoa.
It's the house that whoa built, huh.
Oh, Joe, please tell me you saw the Comfy Capsule? How cool is it? They got Joe popping out of a uh, space capsule.
Like he's freakin' Sigourney Weaver.
- It's gonna be dope.
- Space capsule? What is this, Back to Future? [laughing.]
Mclntyre, huh? Hello? Mclntyre, is this not something you should be doing? Oh, okay.
They said it was gonna be a meme-able moment.
Oh, a meme-able moment, yeah.
Come on.
Seriously? You know what a meme is right? I mean, a meme a meme's a joke.
If you need to hop out of some space capsule to create some meme-able moment so people tune in to watch your show Pal, I mean really, I think you need to consider another line of work.
Hmm, you know what.
I hate to admit, but you're right.
Pod's out.
But what if it's a meme-able moment? Hey, tell 'em it's out! - A meme-able moment, Joe.
- I am not - A meme-able moment.
- Please, tell them - no pod.
- [heavy sigh.]
- Thank you, thank you.
- I heard you.
Pod's out.
- Pod out.
Pod out.
- Pod out.
- No pods.
- Didn't like it! - Who is that? - It's my manager Alex.
Oh, my God.
We gotta get you new representation.
We will.
We'll work on it.
You know what just happened here, right now? Tell me.
My little boy just became a man.
[quirky electronic music.]
Where's the Comfy display that I ordered? The one that I designed on the cocktail napkin at Chili's? I think this is it.
No, but there's no cascading chocolate fountain.
There's a folding table and a plastic bowl full of weird looking candy! [exclaims.]
We have a budget we're working with, and I spent most of it on your Comfy Capsule and Joe's dressing room accoutrement.
Don't worry, Malcolm, we can totally make this work.
[condescending tone.]
Well, of course you would think that, Paige.
You actually think that those shoes make your feet look small.
And what the hell is a Twips? It's the Latvian version of Twix.
Some say they taste even better.
It taste like goat? - With a hint of carob.
- Oh! We are launching a network here, Malcolm.
So I don't care what it costs.
Get some real candy.
Why can't you be in charge? My thoughts exactly.
Oh, hey, Paige.
Got something kind of important I need to discuss with you, if you have Oh, my God.
Twips! Did you put these out for me? [awkward chuckle.]
Wow.
It's the goat that makes it so good.
What did you wanna talk about, Alex? You know, now I don't remember.
Probably wasn't that important Oh, Joe doesn't wanna do the capsule.
He has to do the capsule.
- Got it.
He'll be there.
- Great.
And we want him to wear this.
No problem.
Uhm may I? Knock yourself out.
[upbeat tune.]
I think we're really starting to bond, Paige.
You on Tinder? Your resumé is definitely impressive.
And it smells lovely.
I make my own paper at a responsibly harvested alpine leaves.
I love that.
And it says here you're the CEO - at Salvage Sustenance? - Mm-hmm.
That's my non-profit found food co-op.
You see what we do is we take perfectly delicious food that people just throw away, and we re-purpose it.
Treasures abound, I mean, you just have to know where you look.
[trash rustling.]
Ooh.
[chuckles.]
A red delicious.
- Oh, no.
- [groans in pleasure.]
That's the flavor peak.
You know, we have a little saying.
"The browner the better.
" It's not just a saying, it's true.
- No, I'm not! - I'm sorry.
- That was mine! Give it back! - No, it wasn't.
Griffin and Reece.
- Griffin and Reece.
- Uh, may I? Griffin, I'm Flan.
Okay.
And you are now in an invisible bubble of tranquility.
Cool.
Reece.
You hare also in an invisible bubble of tranquility.
Now to keep these bubbles from popping, we must be gentle with them, yeah? And with each other.
Now float, enjoy.
I'm in a bubble of tranquility! Me too! Can I have a bubble too, please? I'm sorry, special person, I just ran out of bubbles.
- [tranquil music halts.]
- [groans.]
But sometimes when we don't get what we want.
something even better is right around the corner.
Like my book! There you go.
I love reading, I love reading.
- When can you start? - [sighs.]
I'm gonna need every second Tuesday off.
[upbeat music.]
Working out, taking care of my kids Ain't no easy feet I don't know, I'm just brain storming, but they came to me and said you gotta write the them song.
You have to sing it.
So, I'm tryin' to you know, work on it.
Maybe you can come sing some backgrounds for me? Gee, thanks.
Come on, man! I'd do it for you.
Don't get your panties all in a wad, third round.
We've been over this a million times.
We both came in third! Stop it.
Stop it, will yah! No, this ends right now.
You're living in this little fantasy world Ends right now.
Yes, we both went out third.
But dude, come on, in your season, - there were three people.
- Six.
In my season, I got all the way to finals and I lost to Emmitt Smith, who is a Hall of Famer, dude.
And who did you lose to? You lost to that noodle guy, - who with the broth.
- What? The noodle the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld.
- J.
Peterman.
- The Soup Nazi.
And his quick step was much more elegant than Emmitt Smith's.
Oh, my God, you just crossed over into the world of ridiculous, okay.
Let me tell you this, his rise and fall lacked all flexibility and control.
- What? - Just face it, Joe.
Joe, just face it, all right.
Some guys just know how to do the Latin hip-swivel thing some guys don't.
[intense drum beat.]
Are you talking about me? Because my inside rumba swivel is on point.
You know, you talk a big game, Mclntyre.
But the question remains, can you deliver? [scoffs.]
Yeah.
I can deliver.
Oh.
Well just name the time and the place.
Let's do this.
[electronic music.]
[music halts.]
Oh, my God.
Dude.
- You still got it, man.
- You know what, you got it too, pal.
- Holy crap, dude.
- Geeze.
Can I be honest with you? I never actually watched you - on Dancing with The Stars.
- Oh.
I had a friend of mine who'd call and watch it.
And he'd call me up and say, "Hey, you see this Joey Mclntyre "from New Kids on Dancing with The Stars? He freakin' sucks.
" And I believed him, but I was wrong to believe him, - because you're amazing.
- Wow.
Thank you.
And good luck on the show, man.
That's a Joey's Gym and the soundtrack and it's gonna be beautiful.
I mean, it sounds hilarious in a "I've seen it a million times" kind of way.
Really, really appreciate that.
- You gonna sing backgrounds, right? - You got it.
I'm in.
Oh, my God.
Tell me I did not just miss El Paso Doble.
No.
Uh, Alan, what the hell are those? Alex.
We'll get it sooner or later.
This is what Joe's gonna wear when he pops out of the capsule.
- I told 'em no to the capsule.
- I know you did.
And I told them, "No capsule.
" And they said, "Capsule!" And I was like, "No capsule.
" Yeah, he said he's not wearing them though.
So you know what to do, Mclntyre.
You gotta be a man.
Joe, I'll say something again, but that Paige is very scary and super hot, and that confuses me.
You gonna let 'em do this to you? Hmm? - I'll tell 'em myself.
- Yes you will.
Be a man! Good luck, Joe.
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
Hey uhm, can I trouble you for a selfie? Not gonna happen, Albert.
It's Alex.
It's gonna be our thing I guess.
[upbeat music.]
Announcer: Welcome to TV Critic Con.
[applause.]
Where is Ian Ziering? He was supposed to be on stage ten minutes ago.
Well his attorney said he's not coming unless you stop calling him Ian, his name is pronounced "Eye-in.
" The show is called "Skin with Ian.
" Why would I call a show Skin with "Eye-in?" That makes no sense! [heavy sigh.]
- Thank God for my happy little friends.
- [pills rattling.]
Because with out them I would literally lose my mind right now.
Oh, Christ, what now? - Joseph.
- Don't Joseph me.
First it was a re-gift basket, then you want me to jump out of some capsule.
Now you want me to wear these hot pants? - Ooh.
- I thought we were going to be - straight with each other.
- Absolutely.
And I apologize for Paige.
Shame on you Paige.
Please forgive me, Joe.
Now if we got you a shirt, would you jump out of the capsule? No.
No shirt, no hot pants, or capsule.
I'm gonna out there, tell everybody I'm excited about the show, and say good night.
Like we agreed to.
We can live with that.
So that would be a negative on the little antennae I'm so glad we had this talk.
Announcer: And now, everybody's favorite Joey.
Joey Lawrence! [music continues.]
Thank you! Thank you so much.
It's so great to be here with you all this evening.
Truly appreciate it, thanks a lot.
There you go, soak it up.
Joey's Gym this fall.
Check it out.
Prime time, big boy network.
[cheering, applause.]
Joey Mclntyre's singing background.
No, I'm not.
He might.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You were right, man.
This really is a meme-able moment.
Here we go, get ready.
Bang! - Bang! - - Bang! -