Return of the Mac (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
When You Can't Stop To Go
We want our viewers to curl up with you on your own late night talk show.
A late night talk show? You know our motto, Joe.
"Don't be a slob" "Take the job.
" The Comfy Capsule.
What the hell is the Comfy Capsule? It's the thing that's going to break the Internet is what it is.
If you need to hop out of some space capsule so people tune in to watch your show, I think you need to consider another line of work.
I don't know why they think you need a side kick.
Side kick? Joey Fatone? It's not the hand that I'm worried about.
[laughter erupts.]
Isn't he a hoot? Oh my God, they're gonna replace you with him.
Why is this show such a catastrophe? You're not funny.
I'm Joey McIntyre, you know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
Since then, I've had my ups.
And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it.
With the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
Ah.
The garden's coming along, huh Flan? Ooh.
Is that your recycled bath water for the Capsicum anuum? Isn't it easier it easier just to say peppers? Hope they don't mind a little Pantene.
No, no the Capsicum Peppers thrive on hostile conditions and adversity.
Much like humans.
Yeah, don't bring them over to the Comfy Channel, they'll grow bigger than your head.
Is your craft not feeding your soul like it should, Joe? [sighs.]
More like eating my soul.
Tired of getting the rug pulled out from under me every five seconds.
Joe let's get grounded.
[meditation music.]
Joe, have you ever seen a house built around a tree.
[groans.]
Maybe in one of those magazines Barrett's got stacked up in the bathroom.
Joe, you're that tree.
And Comfy is the house.
Now through out the years the core may have evolved, but you'll keep growing, striving for the sun light.
While the house will keep your bark from peeling.
Protect you from rot.
And an occasional rodent.
[coyote howl.]
Oh, I get it.
You're saying that this is like a growing experience for me, right? No.
But that works too.
Hug? No.
Let's listen to each other's hearts, huh? How about just uh- Oh.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Gotta go, Flan.
Remember Joe, strive for the sunlight.
[heavy sigh.]
[meditation music continues.]
Next up, make friends with your pen, because you will not be getting another one.
If you lose the one assigned to you, you will have to bring another Comfy sanctioned writing utensil from home.
Now you can avoid all this by using the lanyard provided.
Do not lose your lanyard.
And lastly, stop drinking so much coffee.
Thank you.
Thank you, Malcolm, that was very informational.
Moving on, we've got some very exciting news.
We've secured a sponsor for the show! [crowd oohs.]
Sponsor? Nice.
Who is it? Amazing question, mmm.
But I think I'm going to let Alejandro, our VP of marketing answer that one.
[takes deep breaths.]
I take you now to Coachella.
[electronic music.]
It's been a long day of bands and booze, and you've been dancing your ass off.
And now you have to go number one.
[bags rustling.]
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Paige.
[clears throat.]
Move.
[music halts.]
Paige.
Move.
I'm moving, I'm moving.
Woo.
[bags rustling loudly.]
[clears throat.]
We can start now.
[music restarts.]
Now you have to go number one, but you don't want to lose your place in line for Tiesto or Afrojack.
So what do you do? More to the point, where do you do? Ladies and gentleman, I give you Sometimes.
[gasping.]
The revolutionary PRG for when you can't stop to go.
[applause.]
- Uh - Thank you, Sam.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you.
What the hell is a PRG? - It's a Personal Relief Garment.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
So a diaper.
[groaning.]
No.
We don't say that word.
Oh gosh no.
Guys, you-you can't be serious.
You can't expect me to plug those things on the show.
Are you talking to me? [tense music.]
What Sam means, is that we have an entire campaign we're gonna roll out with you as the face of Sometimes.
It's the perfect marriage between personality and product.
- Think Beats by Dr.
Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
Or Jennifer Aniston and Smart Water.
Ooh.
Or uh, Macho Man Randy Savage and Slim Jim.
Nope.
Out, come on.
There will be sponsored content, commercials, and app.
All vertically integrated and seamlessly executed buy our team.
And of course, Joe, your back-end participation will be significant.
I'd like to participate in that back-end.
Ay-oh! Now let me introduce you to our incredibly popular director that we just hired to shoot your spot.
Shrimpy Kittles 2000! [applause.]
Okay Shrimpy.
Shrimpy Kittles huh? Shrimpy was one of the top directors on Vine.
He's directed over 700 films.
- Vine? - Vine.
Oh, so 700, six second films? Yes, but when you put them all together, it is quite a body of work.
Anyway.
Done deal.
Hmm.
This isn't done in any way, shape of form This was a great talk, and thank you.
Great job, Paige.
Great job, Alejandro.
Whole branding team, just really well done.
And uh, Malcolm, have I told you yet today to go [bleep.]
yourself? - Not today.
- Okay.
Consider it done.
Yeah.
Okay.
Woo.
[drum beat.]
- Sam.
Sam.
We need to talk.
- Yes, I'll hold.
[clears throat.]
Make it fast, Joseph.
I'm on hold for the mayor.
I can't wear those things.
I I can't.
There is no can, or can't.
There is only one's will.
And you will wear them.
I am so glad we had this talk.
I don't want to play the star card, but it's my name on the show.
Joseph, I hear you.
Thank you, because The Sometimes sponsorship is going to cover thirty percent of the budget for the show.
So, you gotta really look at the big picture.
- I'm looking at it.
- Mm-hmm.
And it's a big picture of me wearing those things on the side of a bus.
You know what, let me simplify.
No diaper, no show.
I'm so sorry, did I say diaper? I meant personal relief garment.
Yes, I am still holding for the honorable Mayor McCheese.
[laughs.]
Okay.
[door slams.]
So sad.
She's obviously on the verge of a breakdown.
You think? I don't know who told her to go off her meds, but we all remember what happened last time.
What? Let's just say she's still not allowed within 200 feet of Jimmy Smits.
Well I feel for her.
But, come on, Paige, I cannot wear that thing.
You shouldn't have to do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Joe, I'm on your side.
- [Joey sighs.]
- Hey I'll make a call.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, Alex.
Joe, hot scary Paige called all freaked out.
- About what? - You turned down the sponsorship deal! I fall asleep at my desk for one hour, and you make the worst decision of our career.
Alex, I am not wearing a disposable under garment.
Joe, let me ask you something.
Do you not like money? Do you know those McConaughey car commercials? He got paid to for those! [impersonates Matthew McConaughey.]
And bought an island in Dubai, called McConaughey Island.
[regular voice.]
Shaped likes a marijuana leaf.
I don't need my own island.
Especially if it's the island that diapers built.
Would you just try them on.
I'm hanging up now, Alex.
[drum beat.]
Honey, you have to taste these tomatoes from Flan's garden.
They're delicious.
I just came from a college readiness meeting at the pre-school.
- We are not ready.
- Kira's five.
What's she gonna major in, Play-Doe? This is not funny.
Do you know how much Harvard is gonna cost in fifteen years times three? Not much more than what we're paying now.
This is serious.
Okay.
Take a breathe.
There might be another way to bring in some extra cash, but actually I'm not gonna do it.
What is it? They want me to be a spokesperson for a certain product.
What product? A personal relief garment.
You mean a diaper? It's a new thing they're marketing to Millennials for music festivals and stuff.
I know, it's ridiculous! Well it's not the worst idea.
Come on.
No one's going to wear these things.
A beautiful bounty.
Flan, would you wear an adult diaper? - I would never.
- See.
- It's not environmentally friendly.
- Exactly.
And I prefer to recycle my urine.
- That We don't - You see, what I do is, I collect my urine in this bottle and then I spritz it generously over the vegetables.
That's what give these tomatoes they're big juicy flavor.
Well, it's time to pick up the kids from school.
He's good with the kids.
Man up and wear the diaper.
[smooth music.]
Oh.
Paige, there you are.
Uh So I thought a lot about it, and I'm willing to do the thing for the good of the show.
You're gonna wear the PRG? Joe, this is wonderful! You will not regret this.
- I'm pretty sure I will.
- Mmm.
- Alejandro! - Hey.
- Great news, we're back in business.
- Oh.
Joe has decided to do the Sometimes campaign.
Glad to see somebody finally came to their senses.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna let you two synergize on this.
Joe, this is gonna be so great for your brand.
[grunts.]
[whipping sound.]
Shirt off, please.
- Right here? - Yes.
Fine.
- Oh boy.
- Oh boy what? Whatever happened to this guy? That takes a couple of months.
Yeah well, we're shooting in two days, so you might wanna get on that.
[awkward exclamations.]
Hey! That's my lunch.
Hey, Joe.
[shy giggle.]
My lunch! - The waist is actually up here.
- Don't Can you not touch it, please.
Can can you please not touch it.
I don't know, Donnie.
This guy was calling me Doey Joey.
Why are you letting this guy get in your head, Joe? Who cares if you put on a few pounds.
You're a middle aged man, in a boy band.
Well I just don't want to look like Baby New Year in this diaper.
[dog whining.]
Diaper? You didn't say anything about wearing a diaper, Joe.
Yeah.
It's a long story.
Yeah, you probably should've called me before you agreed to do that one.
I might have gave a negative catch phrase this time, like, "Don't be hyper.
Under no circumstances should a middle aged man ever be caught dead in a diaper.
" Oh this is bad.
Oh, this is bad.
Yeah, I know it's bad, Donnie.
This is real bad.
Yeah, I know it's bad, but I already said I'd do it for the show, so I need your help.
Huh? Yeah, no, I'm here.
Yup.
I need to get ripped quick, Donnie.
I got two days! Okay, Joe, relax.
I got a guy, he'll help you out, okay.
You do everything he says, he'll get you camera ready in no time.
Okay.
[energetic music.]
All right, I'm here.
Let's get this.
Hey, buddy.
It's me, Scott Foley.
[energetic music.]
[grunting.]
What are we going to do, some arms, legs, little cardio? Whoa.
What are you doing? Donnie said you need to get - ripped quick, right? - Yeah.
I got something else in mind for you, McIntyre.
You're gonna love it.
You're gonna hate it, you're gonna love it though.
- All right, arms up.
- [duct tape screeches.]
Okay.
When I'm done here, go to your car.
You're gonna turn the heat on, all the way.
Then you're gonna drive to a pharmacy, you're gonna pick up twenty five pounds of Epsom salt.
Epsom salts, okay.
You're gonna go home, you're gonna put those Epsom salts in a hot bath, as hot as you can make it.
So hot you don't wanna get it, but you're gonna get it.
Like, hot enough to melt butter, hot.
So get out of this bag for the bath.
Did I say get out of the bag? Did I say get out of the bag? - No.
- No, I didn't say get out of the bag.
You're gonna stay in it, I'll tell you why.
Okay.
You're gonna stew, in the bathtub, for three to eight [whispers.]
eight [regular voice.]
hours, okay.
So long, that you feel like you might pass out you're gonna pass out, so that's why you're gonna wear a flotation device so you don't slip under the water when you pass out.
Pass out? I mean, this is a little extreme.
I thought I was gonna do some crunches.
Crunches, that's cute.
The crunch train [duct tape screeches.]
Has left the station, my friend.
No more crunches.
Oh and one more thing, there's a hundred percent chance you're gonna crap yourself.
That is why we wear the bag.
[drum beat.]
[door shuts.]
Not only must we carry your personal burdens through life, but also through the front door.
Responsibility makes me hungry.
Me too.
I want chicken nuggets.
[tense music.]
[chanting.]
Chicken nuggets.
Chicken nuggets.
Do we know where chicken nuggets come from? The freezer.
Yes, the freezer holds many mysteries, Griffin.
Gather round.
Let Flan show you a short film about where chicken nuggets really come from.
Ooh.
- [frantic clucking.]
- [screaming.]
It's not natural.
I'm home everybody.
[quirky music.]
What are you wearing? That's a good question.
Daddy, why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, why? Because he was escaping the processing plant.
[slight chuckle.]
Now that's a good one, I think.
If anybody needs me, I'll be up in the bath.
Okay.
Mr.
Chicken go free! - [egg splatters.]
- Oops.
[door shuts.]
Ugh, it's like a sauna in here.
Trying, you know, just trying to lose a few pounds before the shoot tomorrow so the kids can go to Harvard.
By the way, did you talk to the kids today? [in a weak voice.]
Uh, maybe.
Did you hear about the chicken? Uh yeah.
Kira told me.
It was funny.
It's not a joke, Joe.
I mean, we have to pay more attention to what the kids are eating.
I agree.
So, tomorrow night after your shoot, let's have a family dinner.
A family dinner.
I'm gonna bring family dinner home for the family dinner tomorrow.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
Don't stay in too long, you're gonna prune.
[quirky music.]
Scott Foley said [mumbles.]
Scott Foley said [upbeat music.]
- [chips crunching.]
- Mm.
Tell you what, Joe.
I love my mom, I love you, and I love free food.
Alex, do you mind.
I haven't eaten in two days.
Oh the diet.
Snap! Sorry about that.
Sorry you gotta miss out on this perfection.
Speaking of perfection, if you see Paige, put in a good word.
I've been thinking a lot lately, I think she's the one.
Oh! This is so moist.
Sorry, bro.
Heh-hey, somebody's looking slim and trim.
Thank you.
It hasn't been easy.
God, I'm hungry.
Well, just a couple more hours and you can eat whatever you want.
I'd eat my own foot if it wasn't covered in Epsom salt.
Has anyone seen Sam? No, what's the problem? [nervous scoffs.]
No problem.
[nervous laugh.]
What? There's no problem.
It's fine.
- Everything all right? - Oh, you know, unmedicated I mean, unpredictable Sam, but don't you worry about her.
All you need to do is focus on doing your thing in front of the camera, mister.
- Oh.
- [text message alert.]
Shrimpy'd like to run one.
[upbeat music.]
Hmm.
Wow.
Quite the spread.
Uh I thought you were gonna tighten up for this.
I'll tighten you up.
Do you like who you are when you use those words? [sighs.]
- Rolling.
- Settle everyone.
[bell rings.]
Sometimes personal relief garment spot, take one.
Shrimpy Kittles says, "Action!" Hi, I'm Joey McIntyre.
As a musician, slash actor, I'm always on the move.
But sometimes, I can't stop to go.
[clothes ripping.]
That's why I wear Sometimes.
The revolutionary PRG, with ultra absorbent technology.
How's it going? Oh great.
Joe's doing great.
Ideal for music festivals.
Long lines at the game.
Or just when you don't wanna get off the couch.
Looking good, Joseph! Whoa! - [gasping.]
- [loud thud.]
Oh, uh, cut! That's a cut! - [bell rings.]
- Nobody panic! He already signed he release form.
We can't be sued.
Oh speak to me! Can somebody get me an EMT! Speak to me, Joseph! Security! Security! Don't you die on me.
It's the day the music died! [concerned whimpers.]
There she is.
All right, let's go.
Alex: Stay with me.
Stay with me.
Ooh.
What jail did you break out of? [giggling.]
- It's just not fair.
- [phone rings.]
- Soozie: No! - [loud thudding.]
Soozie, that kind of hurts.
I'm fine.
Yes, sir.
I'm aware of the situation and I am fully prepared to take over all of Sam's duties.
- [Soozie sobbing.]
- Soozie, Soozie.
I'm okay.
Shhh.
No you're not.
Code red.
Code red.
Uh-oh.
Oh boy.
[upbeat music.]
Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I had, but I brought home family dinner.
Who wants chicken? [children screaming.]
A late night talk show? You know our motto, Joe.
"Don't be a slob" "Take the job.
" The Comfy Capsule.
What the hell is the Comfy Capsule? It's the thing that's going to break the Internet is what it is.
If you need to hop out of some space capsule so people tune in to watch your show, I think you need to consider another line of work.
I don't know why they think you need a side kick.
Side kick? Joey Fatone? It's not the hand that I'm worried about.
[laughter erupts.]
Isn't he a hoot? Oh my God, they're gonna replace you with him.
Why is this show such a catastrophe? You're not funny.
I'm Joey McIntyre, you know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
Since then, I've had my ups.
And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it.
With the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
Ah.
The garden's coming along, huh Flan? Ooh.
Is that your recycled bath water for the Capsicum anuum? Isn't it easier it easier just to say peppers? Hope they don't mind a little Pantene.
No, no the Capsicum Peppers thrive on hostile conditions and adversity.
Much like humans.
Yeah, don't bring them over to the Comfy Channel, they'll grow bigger than your head.
Is your craft not feeding your soul like it should, Joe? [sighs.]
More like eating my soul.
Tired of getting the rug pulled out from under me every five seconds.
Joe let's get grounded.
[meditation music.]
Joe, have you ever seen a house built around a tree.
[groans.]
Maybe in one of those magazines Barrett's got stacked up in the bathroom.
Joe, you're that tree.
And Comfy is the house.
Now through out the years the core may have evolved, but you'll keep growing, striving for the sun light.
While the house will keep your bark from peeling.
Protect you from rot.
And an occasional rodent.
[coyote howl.]
Oh, I get it.
You're saying that this is like a growing experience for me, right? No.
But that works too.
Hug? No.
Let's listen to each other's hearts, huh? How about just uh- Oh.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Gotta go, Flan.
Remember Joe, strive for the sunlight.
[heavy sigh.]
[meditation music continues.]
Next up, make friends with your pen, because you will not be getting another one.
If you lose the one assigned to you, you will have to bring another Comfy sanctioned writing utensil from home.
Now you can avoid all this by using the lanyard provided.
Do not lose your lanyard.
And lastly, stop drinking so much coffee.
Thank you.
Thank you, Malcolm, that was very informational.
Moving on, we've got some very exciting news.
We've secured a sponsor for the show! [crowd oohs.]
Sponsor? Nice.
Who is it? Amazing question, mmm.
But I think I'm going to let Alejandro, our VP of marketing answer that one.
[takes deep breaths.]
I take you now to Coachella.
[electronic music.]
It's been a long day of bands and booze, and you've been dancing your ass off.
And now you have to go number one.
[bags rustling.]
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Paige.
[clears throat.]
Move.
[music halts.]
Paige.
Move.
I'm moving, I'm moving.
Woo.
[bags rustling loudly.]
[clears throat.]
We can start now.
[music restarts.]
Now you have to go number one, but you don't want to lose your place in line for Tiesto or Afrojack.
So what do you do? More to the point, where do you do? Ladies and gentleman, I give you Sometimes.
[gasping.]
The revolutionary PRG for when you can't stop to go.
[applause.]
- Uh - Thank you, Sam.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you.
What the hell is a PRG? - It's a Personal Relief Garment.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
So a diaper.
[groaning.]
No.
We don't say that word.
Oh gosh no.
Guys, you-you can't be serious.
You can't expect me to plug those things on the show.
Are you talking to me? [tense music.]
What Sam means, is that we have an entire campaign we're gonna roll out with you as the face of Sometimes.
It's the perfect marriage between personality and product.
- Think Beats by Dr.
Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
Or Jennifer Aniston and Smart Water.
Ooh.
Or uh, Macho Man Randy Savage and Slim Jim.
Nope.
Out, come on.
There will be sponsored content, commercials, and app.
All vertically integrated and seamlessly executed buy our team.
And of course, Joe, your back-end participation will be significant.
I'd like to participate in that back-end.
Ay-oh! Now let me introduce you to our incredibly popular director that we just hired to shoot your spot.
Shrimpy Kittles 2000! [applause.]
Okay Shrimpy.
Shrimpy Kittles huh? Shrimpy was one of the top directors on Vine.
He's directed over 700 films.
- Vine? - Vine.
Oh, so 700, six second films? Yes, but when you put them all together, it is quite a body of work.
Anyway.
Done deal.
Hmm.
This isn't done in any way, shape of form This was a great talk, and thank you.
Great job, Paige.
Great job, Alejandro.
Whole branding team, just really well done.
And uh, Malcolm, have I told you yet today to go [bleep.]
yourself? - Not today.
- Okay.
Consider it done.
Yeah.
Okay.
Woo.
[drum beat.]
- Sam.
Sam.
We need to talk.
- Yes, I'll hold.
[clears throat.]
Make it fast, Joseph.
I'm on hold for the mayor.
I can't wear those things.
I I can't.
There is no can, or can't.
There is only one's will.
And you will wear them.
I am so glad we had this talk.
I don't want to play the star card, but it's my name on the show.
Joseph, I hear you.
Thank you, because The Sometimes sponsorship is going to cover thirty percent of the budget for the show.
So, you gotta really look at the big picture.
- I'm looking at it.
- Mm-hmm.
And it's a big picture of me wearing those things on the side of a bus.
You know what, let me simplify.
No diaper, no show.
I'm so sorry, did I say diaper? I meant personal relief garment.
Yes, I am still holding for the honorable Mayor McCheese.
[laughs.]
Okay.
[door slams.]
So sad.
She's obviously on the verge of a breakdown.
You think? I don't know who told her to go off her meds, but we all remember what happened last time.
What? Let's just say she's still not allowed within 200 feet of Jimmy Smits.
Well I feel for her.
But, come on, Paige, I cannot wear that thing.
You shouldn't have to do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Joe, I'm on your side.
- [Joey sighs.]
- Hey I'll make a call.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, Alex.
Joe, hot scary Paige called all freaked out.
- About what? - You turned down the sponsorship deal! I fall asleep at my desk for one hour, and you make the worst decision of our career.
Alex, I am not wearing a disposable under garment.
Joe, let me ask you something.
Do you not like money? Do you know those McConaughey car commercials? He got paid to for those! [impersonates Matthew McConaughey.]
And bought an island in Dubai, called McConaughey Island.
[regular voice.]
Shaped likes a marijuana leaf.
I don't need my own island.
Especially if it's the island that diapers built.
Would you just try them on.
I'm hanging up now, Alex.
[drum beat.]
Honey, you have to taste these tomatoes from Flan's garden.
They're delicious.
I just came from a college readiness meeting at the pre-school.
- We are not ready.
- Kira's five.
What's she gonna major in, Play-Doe? This is not funny.
Do you know how much Harvard is gonna cost in fifteen years times three? Not much more than what we're paying now.
This is serious.
Okay.
Take a breathe.
There might be another way to bring in some extra cash, but actually I'm not gonna do it.
What is it? They want me to be a spokesperson for a certain product.
What product? A personal relief garment.
You mean a diaper? It's a new thing they're marketing to Millennials for music festivals and stuff.
I know, it's ridiculous! Well it's not the worst idea.
Come on.
No one's going to wear these things.
A beautiful bounty.
Flan, would you wear an adult diaper? - I would never.
- See.
- It's not environmentally friendly.
- Exactly.
And I prefer to recycle my urine.
- That We don't - You see, what I do is, I collect my urine in this bottle and then I spritz it generously over the vegetables.
That's what give these tomatoes they're big juicy flavor.
Well, it's time to pick up the kids from school.
He's good with the kids.
Man up and wear the diaper.
[smooth music.]
Oh.
Paige, there you are.
Uh So I thought a lot about it, and I'm willing to do the thing for the good of the show.
You're gonna wear the PRG? Joe, this is wonderful! You will not regret this.
- I'm pretty sure I will.
- Mmm.
- Alejandro! - Hey.
- Great news, we're back in business.
- Oh.
Joe has decided to do the Sometimes campaign.
Glad to see somebody finally came to their senses.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna let you two synergize on this.
Joe, this is gonna be so great for your brand.
[grunts.]
[whipping sound.]
Shirt off, please.
- Right here? - Yes.
Fine.
- Oh boy.
- Oh boy what? Whatever happened to this guy? That takes a couple of months.
Yeah well, we're shooting in two days, so you might wanna get on that.
[awkward exclamations.]
Hey! That's my lunch.
Hey, Joe.
[shy giggle.]
My lunch! - The waist is actually up here.
- Don't Can you not touch it, please.
Can can you please not touch it.
I don't know, Donnie.
This guy was calling me Doey Joey.
Why are you letting this guy get in your head, Joe? Who cares if you put on a few pounds.
You're a middle aged man, in a boy band.
Well I just don't want to look like Baby New Year in this diaper.
[dog whining.]
Diaper? You didn't say anything about wearing a diaper, Joe.
Yeah.
It's a long story.
Yeah, you probably should've called me before you agreed to do that one.
I might have gave a negative catch phrase this time, like, "Don't be hyper.
Under no circumstances should a middle aged man ever be caught dead in a diaper.
" Oh this is bad.
Oh, this is bad.
Yeah, I know it's bad, Donnie.
This is real bad.
Yeah, I know it's bad, but I already said I'd do it for the show, so I need your help.
Huh? Yeah, no, I'm here.
Yup.
I need to get ripped quick, Donnie.
I got two days! Okay, Joe, relax.
I got a guy, he'll help you out, okay.
You do everything he says, he'll get you camera ready in no time.
Okay.
[energetic music.]
All right, I'm here.
Let's get this.
Hey, buddy.
It's me, Scott Foley.
[energetic music.]
[grunting.]
What are we going to do, some arms, legs, little cardio? Whoa.
What are you doing? Donnie said you need to get - ripped quick, right? - Yeah.
I got something else in mind for you, McIntyre.
You're gonna love it.
You're gonna hate it, you're gonna love it though.
- All right, arms up.
- [duct tape screeches.]
Okay.
When I'm done here, go to your car.
You're gonna turn the heat on, all the way.
Then you're gonna drive to a pharmacy, you're gonna pick up twenty five pounds of Epsom salt.
Epsom salts, okay.
You're gonna go home, you're gonna put those Epsom salts in a hot bath, as hot as you can make it.
So hot you don't wanna get it, but you're gonna get it.
Like, hot enough to melt butter, hot.
So get out of this bag for the bath.
Did I say get out of the bag? Did I say get out of the bag? - No.
- No, I didn't say get out of the bag.
You're gonna stay in it, I'll tell you why.
Okay.
You're gonna stew, in the bathtub, for three to eight [whispers.]
eight [regular voice.]
hours, okay.
So long, that you feel like you might pass out you're gonna pass out, so that's why you're gonna wear a flotation device so you don't slip under the water when you pass out.
Pass out? I mean, this is a little extreme.
I thought I was gonna do some crunches.
Crunches, that's cute.
The crunch train [duct tape screeches.]
Has left the station, my friend.
No more crunches.
Oh and one more thing, there's a hundred percent chance you're gonna crap yourself.
That is why we wear the bag.
[drum beat.]
[door shuts.]
Not only must we carry your personal burdens through life, but also through the front door.
Responsibility makes me hungry.
Me too.
I want chicken nuggets.
[tense music.]
[chanting.]
Chicken nuggets.
Chicken nuggets.
Do we know where chicken nuggets come from? The freezer.
Yes, the freezer holds many mysteries, Griffin.
Gather round.
Let Flan show you a short film about where chicken nuggets really come from.
Ooh.
- [frantic clucking.]
- [screaming.]
It's not natural.
I'm home everybody.
[quirky music.]
What are you wearing? That's a good question.
Daddy, why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, why? Because he was escaping the processing plant.
[slight chuckle.]
Now that's a good one, I think.
If anybody needs me, I'll be up in the bath.
Okay.
Mr.
Chicken go free! - [egg splatters.]
- Oops.
[door shuts.]
Ugh, it's like a sauna in here.
Trying, you know, just trying to lose a few pounds before the shoot tomorrow so the kids can go to Harvard.
By the way, did you talk to the kids today? [in a weak voice.]
Uh, maybe.
Did you hear about the chicken? Uh yeah.
Kira told me.
It was funny.
It's not a joke, Joe.
I mean, we have to pay more attention to what the kids are eating.
I agree.
So, tomorrow night after your shoot, let's have a family dinner.
A family dinner.
I'm gonna bring family dinner home for the family dinner tomorrow.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
Don't stay in too long, you're gonna prune.
[quirky music.]
Scott Foley said [mumbles.]
Scott Foley said [upbeat music.]
- [chips crunching.]
- Mm.
Tell you what, Joe.
I love my mom, I love you, and I love free food.
Alex, do you mind.
I haven't eaten in two days.
Oh the diet.
Snap! Sorry about that.
Sorry you gotta miss out on this perfection.
Speaking of perfection, if you see Paige, put in a good word.
I've been thinking a lot lately, I think she's the one.
Oh! This is so moist.
Sorry, bro.
Heh-hey, somebody's looking slim and trim.
Thank you.
It hasn't been easy.
God, I'm hungry.
Well, just a couple more hours and you can eat whatever you want.
I'd eat my own foot if it wasn't covered in Epsom salt.
Has anyone seen Sam? No, what's the problem? [nervous scoffs.]
No problem.
[nervous laugh.]
What? There's no problem.
It's fine.
- Everything all right? - Oh, you know, unmedicated I mean, unpredictable Sam, but don't you worry about her.
All you need to do is focus on doing your thing in front of the camera, mister.
- Oh.
- [text message alert.]
Shrimpy'd like to run one.
[upbeat music.]
Hmm.
Wow.
Quite the spread.
Uh I thought you were gonna tighten up for this.
I'll tighten you up.
Do you like who you are when you use those words? [sighs.]
- Rolling.
- Settle everyone.
[bell rings.]
Sometimes personal relief garment spot, take one.
Shrimpy Kittles says, "Action!" Hi, I'm Joey McIntyre.
As a musician, slash actor, I'm always on the move.
But sometimes, I can't stop to go.
[clothes ripping.]
That's why I wear Sometimes.
The revolutionary PRG, with ultra absorbent technology.
How's it going? Oh great.
Joe's doing great.
Ideal for music festivals.
Long lines at the game.
Or just when you don't wanna get off the couch.
Looking good, Joseph! Whoa! - [gasping.]
- [loud thud.]
Oh, uh, cut! That's a cut! - [bell rings.]
- Nobody panic! He already signed he release form.
We can't be sued.
Oh speak to me! Can somebody get me an EMT! Speak to me, Joseph! Security! Security! Don't you die on me.
It's the day the music died! [concerned whimpers.]
There she is.
All right, let's go.
Alex: Stay with me.
Stay with me.
Ooh.
What jail did you break out of? [giggling.]
- It's just not fair.
- [phone rings.]
- Soozie: No! - [loud thudding.]
Soozie, that kind of hurts.
I'm fine.
Yes, sir.
I'm aware of the situation and I am fully prepared to take over all of Sam's duties.
- [Soozie sobbing.]
- Soozie, Soozie.
I'm okay.
Shhh.
No you're not.
Code red.
Code red.
Uh-oh.
Oh boy.
[upbeat music.]
Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I had, but I brought home family dinner.
Who wants chicken? [children screaming.]