Return of the Mac (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Looking good, Joseph! - [thud.]
- [crowd gasps.]
I am fully prepared to take over all of Sam's duties.
Watch out for Paige.
She can't be trusted.
We're moving the show to daytime! - Daytime? - Daytime.
Yeah, daytime.
I really need to concentrate on my healing, not your little show.
She's taking the show to daytime.
Daytime?! Meet me in the laundry room in ten minutes.
Joseph is not and never will be daytime.
Corporate is totally gushing over this idea.
They're thinking about bringing you back to the New York office.
[excitedly gasps.]
N-n-n-no! Wait a second.
We are done here.
Moving to daytime.
I'm glad we all agree.
No we don't agree.
I quit.
[mid-tempo music.]
Come on, dad! Sawadi Kap, Joe.
I'm sensing a karmic flare in your root chakra.
Not in the mood today, Flan.
Barrett told me that you've been in the throes of a spiritual crisis since you quit the show.
[groans.]
Let me share something that gave me great comfort during a dark time.
[scoffs.]
I don't think rubbing a crystal is gonna do any good.
Oh no, uh, for full effect it needs to be inserted.
[mystical music.]
Help Flan.
Our biodome is running out of oxygen.
Don't worry my biospherists.
We'll plant more imaginary trees.
Dude, why don't you answer your door? Woah.
[chuckles.]
What are you wearing? We have to be at Comfy in fifteen minutes.
I'm not going anywhere, Alex.
I quit, remember? Okay, look.
Listen, whatever the problem is we can talk about it & at Comfy, in fourteen minutes.
I'm done with the show, okay? I didn't want to do it in the first place.
Joe, you have a contract.
They'll sue you.
Let them.
We can't handle another lawsuit, Joe.
Another lawsuit? There might be a slight copyright infringement with Joey Mac 'n' Cheese.
I said no to Joey Mac 'N' Cheese.
But you usually you say no, then you say yes.
So I cut out the middle man.
Oh, okay.
Let me cut out the middle man.
You're fired.
[scoffs in disbelief.]
Okay, you don't mean that.
I know you and you don't mean that.
You're stressed and upset and I get that, all right? So you go cool off.
I'll go to the meeting and stall until you get there.
I'll see you there.
I'm not fired.
You seem distressed.
Yeah, I just got fired, Flan.
Let me share something that gave me great comfort during a dark time.
No way! Is this your butt crystal? I'm Joey McIntyre, you know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
Since then, I've had my ups.
And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it with the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
[whimsical music.]
[deep sigh.]
- Huh? - Nobody said anything.
Oh.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-Paige.
- Always a pleasure.
- Okay.
Sam, you look great.
And I'm so pumped you're back.
Yes, we're all thrilled.
Sam's made a partial recovery.
Well, I couldn't stay away.
[chuckles.]
I mean, one more and the Comfy Channel would have turned into the Disaster Channel.
[fake laughter.]
Whoop, Paige, call corporate.
Pitch them the Disaster Network.
[ferret dooking.]
What is in the cage? B-b-b-b-Don't disturb it.
Nope, that is my stress ferret.
It's a condition of her return to work.
If I find myself spinning out of control, instead of reaching for my pills, I reach for my Soozie to come in and pet the ferret.
When exactly is Joe getting here? Any minute.
He just likes to make an entrance.
You know actors.
Sure do.
I know Steven Segal.
- Personally? - Parts of him.
[laughing.]
His balls each have their own ponytail.
That's all I'm saying.
I read that and now I'm hearing it's real.
- Real! - Segal.
- Who'd have thunk? - Alex.
I thought you had this under control.
Yes, definitely.
That's why I said, I got this under control.
Because I do.
Good, because I expect Joe to make a full apology for that little temper tantrum he threw.
Mm-hm.
We're just asking him to move to daytime.
It's not like we're asking him to come to work sober like some of us have to.
Well, I'm glad to hear that Joe's on his way because if he wasn't, he'd be in breach of contract.
Oh no, b-b-believe me.
We are fully aware.
That's why he'll be here through that door any second! It would have been real cool if he had come in right then, but you know what.
Yeah, I think he's coming.
Let's count it down.
In five, four, three, two, ferret, one.
Joey McIntyre! Come on, man.
Oh I see you got your stuff out again.
Yeah, I got that show out of the way.
I'm finally gonna focus on launching my product.
Are you sure this is the best use of your time? Yes.
Now I have the time to focus all my creative energies on this.
You know, you only take that sewing machine out when your career's spinning out of control but if that's what you want to do.
Yeah, I should have done this years ago.
[sighs.]
Oh Betsy.
There she is.
So is it like a true American ferret or did you guys ship it over from like Cuba or something.
Alex, we've been waiting for over an hour.
Joe isn't coming, is he? What?! That's crazy.
Of course Joe's coming.
Why would you even say that Joe- Ew.
[sobbing.]
He's not coming.
And the worst thing is that he fired me.
Unbelievable.
I know.
Soozie, ferret time! Alex, get out! Shh-woah, what happened to you? Ferret's a biter.
Go! We are going to rake Joseph McIntyre - over the coals.
- Mmm-hmm.
When legal is done with him, he won't have a PRG to piss in.
I cannot believe Joey's doing this to you.
[frustrated grunt.]
You're doing this to me, Paige.
I mean, this entire show was your baby.
How is this my fault? Oh Paige, sweetheart.
The lower lows always take the bullet for the upper ups.
It's the way the world works.
Anyway, case closed.
You're fired, goodbye.
Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
[exasperated gasp.]
Great ass by the way.
Squats? No, I'm just not old.
[chortles.]
- Pet faster, Soozie.
- [ferret dooking.]
- Faster.
- Oh God, it caught me.
It's biting, it's biting me.
It's biting me, Sam.
Sam, ow, ow, ow, ow! It hit bone, aw.
Hey Joe, it's Alex, your former manager.
Future manager, I hope.
I'd love to talk to you about that.
I was thinking about the first day we met.
That was the greatest day of my life.
Kings, Bruins.
I'll never forget the way your eyes sparkled when the team started brawling.
Joe, I miss you and I just I'm fired? No, no, no, no.
I don't get fired.
I'm the one who gets people fired.
Hey Paige, hold up.
Ugh.
Did I just hear you say you got fired? I know.
It makes no sense.
I'm a good person.
Do you know how many purses I've donated to charity? I go to my friends' improv shows.
That's sacrifice! I feel ya.
Especially on the improv thing.
My friend Nathan has been in a troupe called Mixed Nuts for seven years.
But you know what helps me when I get canned? Alcohol.
I would seriously kill you for a shot of bourbon right now.
Well if you don't kill me, there's a bar right down the street that I would love to take you to.
We could be sad together.
Alex, I would never be seen in public with you.
[quirky music.]
You've got a lot of certificates.
And a second place ribbon.
Yikes.
[gulps.]
Look at that.
Still fits.
In fact, it's loose.
I did not know you were a cheerleader.
I wasn't a cheerleader.
I was the captain of the Ohio All-State Lacrosse team.
I was in band, third trumpet.
They wanted me to play French horn.
I was like, don't tell me how to live my life.
Ew.
- I'm a trumpet guy.
- Shut-up.
Anyway, neighbors complain about the screaming.
Oh yeah.
Why is that? - Too loud? - No.
[rock music from speakers play.]
- You're gonna be.
- [screams.]
[laughs.]
[muffled screams.]
[beat music.]
Nice.
- That's a lot of leather, Joe.
- Mmm-hmm.
How much are you spending on this? If you want to appeal to a certain clientele, you have to use quality fabrics.
I'm surprised you don't know that.
Well, here it is.
The very first, Joey Clutch.
Kinda big, isn't it? That's the point.
Most clutches, you can't even fit your iPhone in there.
Joey Clutch you put your phone in, your wallet, a pashmina.
Joe, I work in the fashion business and I know what women want in a clutch.
[scoffs.]
It's not a competition, Barrett.
I think we can both be in the fashion industry.
Well, don't get glue on the sofa.
I know how to use a glue gun.
You're gonna burn yourself.
Ow! You burned yourself, didn't you? No, but I did ruin my prototype.
Do you know what it takes to get glue off of Venetian Suede? Yes, I do! Well, I have to go back to the fabric store now, again.
Thank you, Miss Fashion.
I don't think fabric inventory is your problem.
That clutch is too big.
I'm gonna make the next one even bigger.
Put straps on it so you can wear it on your back.
Oh my God! Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block.
- You got the wrong dude.
- Aw nice try.
I looked you up on the phone.
You're right there, man.
Ah, okay, you got me.
I'm-I'm just buying my buttons and baubles here, - buddy so - Eh, that's fine.
Uh, hey man, just uh, let me get a quick selfie, that's all.
Does it look like I want to take a selfie right now? Dude, you're a celebrity.
It's the rules.
Bro! - Whoa, hey! You gonna touch me? - [frustrated sigh.]
I'm a little short-tempered right now all right Whoa, whoa! What's that supposed to mean? What-what'd you Ah, it was a little slip of the tongue.
[shrieks.]
You-you-you-you just did it again! You just did it again.
So when I say "little" or "small" like it's an offense to you? Like I'm not Oh like every time someone says "the right stuff" to you, that doesn't offend you? Same thing, man.
Then so you understand what I'm saying.
I understand you're a jerk off.
That what I understand.
- I'm a jerk off? - You're a jerk.
I'm just trying to get home with my applique and I'm a jerk off.
Wait till I tell my wife.
Wait till I tell her that I met Joey Mac-Jerk-Off - Okay, great.
- Buying purses.
- Yeah, okay.
- Aw yeah, smile jerk off.
- Really quick photo.
- Dude, give it to me Hey, that's my phone.
Dude, that's my Dude, stop it.
Th-th-th-that's my phone.
Just, just chill.
That's my property.
Chill out, chill out! Really?! You're doing this move right now.
You're making me do it! - Are you guys see this right now? - I don't want to do this.
Are you seeing him do this to a little person?! I don't want to do this.
[rock music.]
- Oh my God.
- [phone buzzes.]
- Just move your leg - It's like wrestling a badger.
Well I'm trying so that's what you get.
Let me do it.
- Move your legs with my - Do not pick up that phone! I have to.
It's a Joe Google alert.
Do not! No, no.
Ugh, God.
[voice from phone.]
Celebrity Tantrum! Oh no he's on Celebrity Tantrum.
That can't be good.
You're not gonna get me you little prick.
You little son of a bitch.
Oh, that's a lot of buttons.
Get out of here! This is exactly what I needed.
Oh Joe.
Wh-wh-what, hey! Come on.
- Uh, where are you going? - To get my job back.
Should I wait here or [deep sigh.]
Alex, this was a moment of weakness.
If you ever tell anyone what happened here, I'll hunt you down and make you suffer.
Ooh, like in a "Fifty Shades" kind of way? More like in a "Silence of the Lambs" kind of way.
Was there sex in "Silence of the Lambs?" Just get out.
Look, I have nowhere to go, okay? I'm nothing without Joe.
Alex go be nothing somewhere else.
[voice from phone.]
That's all you had to do.
[overlapping argument.]
How many times are you gonna watch it? This guy came right at me.
He's ripped by the way.
His-his calves were the size of my thighs.
- It looks crazy.
- He's crazy.
I was simply defending myself.
Don't worry.
Some actress will flash a nip tomorrow and everyone will forget about it.
Flash a nip?! This is my career we're talking about.
The internet never forgets.
Well I don't know what you've heard, Michael, but uh, I can assure you there is no problem.
Yeah, absolutely Joey McIntyre is on board.
[hushed voice.]
I'm on the phone with the New York office.
- Get out! - [inaudible whispers.]
Video? What video? [voice from phone.]
Celebrity Tantrums.
Oh, I'm looking at it now.
Mmm-hmm.
[voice from iPad.]
That's all you had to do.
Oh, that doesn't look so bad.
Whoa, oh! That-That is a lot of buttons.
Well you know what they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
Well, no, I can see how in that particular instance it would be considered catastrophic publicity.
No, I hear you.
You know what? Listen Michael, I have this whole thing totally under control.
Yes I do.
Okay, well I'll check in.
Okay, okay bye-bye, bye-bye! Oh ferret! - I can't find him.
- What?! I'm sorry.
I was putting hydrogen peroxide on my bites and then I looked around and he wasn't there.
I only put him down for a second.
Oh no, no, no, Soozie.
I cannot handle the stress of this fiasco without my stress ferret.
Oh Suzie, plan B.
Okay, yeah, you know what? I actually, I do feel better.
[sniffs.]
Oh, that's nice.
What is that, your shampoo or your conditioner? Oh, it's actually a two-in-one.
- Oh, how about that? - Yeah.
Well I see things around here are back to normal.
Paige! What are you doing here? Didn't I fire you? - I know how to save the show.
- Huh, as do I.
- But you go first.
- I know how to get Joe back.
And you're gonna love it because it's right up your alley.
What? Have you been talking to Steven Segal? [snoring.]
What the f Joseph, welcome to your intervention.
I appreciate everyone's concern but I do not need an intervention.
Ha! I knew he was going to say that.
They always say that.
Joe, this is for your own good.
Beating up a little person is an obvious cry for help.
You can't just beat up a fan because he comes up and wants to take a selfie with you.
He attacked me.
That dude was solid by the way.
And how did you get in my house? Hm.
Joe I could not in good conscience deny these caring souls the opportunity to share their truths.
Thanks, Flan.
Thank you.
Feeling.
Heart.
Offspring gather! What pile of patchouli did you find him under? If you're not gonna leave, I'm gonna leave.
N-n-n-n Not so fast, Joey McIntyre.
You're not going anywhere until you hear us all out.
- Jack Osbourne.
- Jack Osbourne! Thank you.
As you know, Jack Osbourne had one of the longest running shows on television.
Yeah.
Everybody knows who Jack Osbourne is.
And Jack, it's nice to meet you, but all due respect, what are you doing here? I hear you've been hurting, Joe.
And you're also hurting a lot of really good people around you.
I'm just here to help, Joey.
Jack is one of the only people I know who's been to more interventions than I have.
A lot of interventions.
Also, I told him your house is for sale.
Incidentally, what is the square footage? Joe, I understand you want to fire me and I hear you out.
But we are a team, okay? Joe and Alex.
Bonnie and Clyde.
Starsky and Hutch.
All these things can't be broken up.
- [knocks on door.]
- [deep exhale.]
Say that.
Kira, hi.
Is your daddy home? Sorry Uncle Alex.
Daddy says you can't come over anymore.
He says you're a bad manager.
Ouch.
What's going on in there? Is that Jack Osbourne? It's Daddy's intervention.
An intervention without me? Yup! Well if he needs me tell him I'll be on the stoop.
[door slams shut.]
We are going to love you until you can love yourself.
Is the crown moulding original? Jack, the house is not for sale.
I see what you're doing here, bud.
I'll come in low, you come in high, we'll meet somewhere in the middle.
By the way, this kitchen is exquisite.
- I love the two sinks.
- Thanks.
Joseph, some very important people would like to speak with you.
- Hmm.
- Throw the tape.
Ow, ow, ooh, ow.
Hey Joe! It's the Wahlbergs here and we know you've been feeling down in the dumps, Joey.
And we want you to know that we care about you very much.
Yes.
And we desperately want you to get the help that you need.
Yes, Joe.
Crack is whack.
It's not that kind of intervention.
Trying to get Joey out of his funk and get him back to work.
Is he still doing that dumb talk show thing? It's just a talk show.
- Anyway Joey - God.
We want you to always remember - Desperate.
- That if you're ever feeling blue - Desperate.
- We love you.
Are you doing the gagging thing? No.
Good.
[birds chirping.]
[sobbing.]
[singing.]
Just keep your head up when you're feeling sad And keep your head up when things are looking bad Cause you were my best friend But you're not anymore [laughs.]
I've got a new best friend And his name's pizza [sobbing.]
Joe, I don't usually make mistakes, like ever.
But since you quit, I've been making quite a few.
One big one in particular! I don't even know, it was more like small.
Slightly below average.
Slight-hard to say how big it was.
Paige, be quiet.
You're boring everyone.
I want the floor.
Straight talk, Joseph.
Don't be such a baby.
Come back to work.
We have a contract.
We'll sue you.
See you on Monday everybody.
Uh, Sam! I signed on for late night skits and bits.
You're giving me daytime freaks and geeks.
I can't be any more clear than this.
I am not coming back.
But we're family and family forgives.
I forgive you for being a petulant child and you can forgive Paige for being such a bitch.
Yeah, yeah! Why is Alex eating pizza on the front stoop? And why is Jack Osbourne measuring the closet? This is an intervention.
They think it's going to get me to come back to work.
Well they're right.
You should go back to work.
But I need you to get out of my house.
- Now! - Joe, listen.
We've all had our ups and downs, especially me, I know.
And if there's two things I remember, that's when to stay put and when to move on.
I think now is the perfect time for you to move on.
You're talking about the house.
It's a fair offer, trust me.
[clears throat.]
Jack, for the last time - Hmm - Mm.
Well honey, you might Yeah I we should maybe okay, yeah.
We're gonna stay put.
Yeah.
You and I should talk.
[upbeat music.]
Eh, that's a little too bright.
Here we go.
Ooh, that's a monotone.
That's like a monotone thing.
Some bangles, some baubles.
[whispers.]
Bangles.
So I take it you're not going back to work.
Have you ever bedazzled anything? It's work.
They obviously want you to come back to the show, Joe.
Well, they're not going to fix it with a few speeches.
It doesn't make any sense.
You could be making your own television show but instead you're at home making giant purses.
How many times do I have to tell you? This is a maxi clutch.
It's something I'm designing on my own.
You wouldn't know anything about that.
Oh, I take it there's no skill involved in what I do? I didn't say that.
Well I hope you and your ridiculous maxi clutch are happy on the couch tonight.
That'd be fine because this one doubles as a pillow.
It's just a big dumb purse.
It's a maxi clutch.
["Lullaby" by Johannes Brahms plays.]
[gagging sound.]
[voice from television.]
On Celebricircus Three, Rachael Ray and her motorcycle jump of death.
Plus, Allison Janney and Joey McIntyre take on the trapeze.
["Lullaby" continues.]
[ferret dooking.]
[frightened gasp.]
[rock version of "Lullaby".]
Barrett: Alex! Get out of my house!