Rhoda (1974) s01e13 Episode Script
Anything Wrong?
- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- LOOK, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY COMING OVER SO EARLY.
- OH, NO.
LISTEN, I HAD TO BE UP ANYWAY.
THE DELIVERY MEN ARE COMING.
HEY, YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST? - JUST COFFEE.
- OK.
- HEY, IS YOUR NEW COUCH COMING TODAY? - YEAH, THE STORE CALLED THIS MORNING, WOKE ME UP TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT TIME THEY WOULD BE HERE.
- WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY? - PRECISELY BETWEEN 8:00 AM AND 5:00 PM.
- AND WHERE'S JOE? - UH, ASLEEP, STILL.
YEAH.
WELL, HE CAME IN LAST NIGHT.
HE WAS WORKING TILL 3:00 AM.
- GEE, IT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH NO SEEING HIM LAST NIGHT.
- OH, I SAW HIM ALL RIGHT.
HE, UM WAKES ME UP WHEN HE COMES TO BED.
- EVERY NIGHT? - YEAH.
- WOW! - YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I'M GLAD THE WEEKEND'S HERE, THOUGH, BREN.
WE BOTH COULD USE IT.
YEAH, SOMETHING'S BEEN A LITTLE FUNNY WITH JOE LATELY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - I DON'T KNOW.
- I THINK SOMETHING'S BOTHERING HIM, BUT, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THINGS DON'T SEEM QUITE NORMAL.
OF COURSE, WHEN YOU'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED A MONTH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS.
- HEY, THAT'S QUITE A BREAKFAST.
- OH, YEAH.
SINCE HE'S NOT UP YET, I FIGURED I'D MAKE SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL.
- OH, HE'LL LOVE IT.
- NO, HE WON'T.
IT'S FOR ME.
- HEY, RHO, WHILE YOU'RE SITTING HERE WAITING FOR YOUR COUCH, COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR? - ANYTHING.
- WELL, UH, I HAVE THIS BLIND DATE TONIGHT, YOU SEE.
THE BANK MANAGER ARRANGED I WITH HIS SON, AND I THINK THE SON MUST REALLY LIKE ME.
- WAIT, BLIND DATE? HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM? - WELL, HIS FATHER HAD ME WORK THE DRIVE-UP WINDOW ALL WEEK, AND THIS ONE GUY KEP ZOOMING PAST.
- MM-HMM.
SO? - HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR.
RHO, COULD YOU AND JOE DOUBLE DATE WITH ME TONIGHT? - TONIGHT? - YEAH, YOU KNOW.
GIVE ME SOME INSURANCE.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL ASK JOE AND I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OK? - GREAT.
LOOK, IF I'M NOT HOME, I'LL BE OUT BUYING A DRESS.
- OH, YEAH? LISTEN, BRENDA, WHERE ARE YOU DOING YOUR SHOPPING THESE DAYS? - OH, SAME PLACE.
THE ONE THAT HAS THE GREA SELECTION IN MY SIZE.
NOBLESSE OBESE.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
- WHO IS IT? - DELIVERY MAN WITH THE COUCH.
- RIGHT, GOOD.
OH, TAKE IT EASY.
PLEASE WATCH THE BACK HERE, HUH? AH.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT IT, HONEY? - DO YOU MIND DOING ME A FAVOR AND DON'T CALL ME HONEY? ALL RIGHT? - ANYTHING YOU SAY, BABY.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU.
NOW, LISTEN WILL YOU GUYS JUST BEAR WITH ME? AND WE CAN WORK HERE FOR JUS A MINUTE, 'CAUSE I'M NOT SURE SUDDENLY WHERE I WANT IT.
- HEY, LADY, DIDN'T YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WANTED I BEFORE WE GOT HERE? - WELL, YEAH, SURE.
BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT, IT'S MUCH BIGGER THAN IT WAS IN THE STORE.
- IT'S ALSO HEAVIER THAN IT WAS IN THE STORE.
LOOK, WE'VE GOT A POLICY THAT WE NEVER BREAK.
ONCE WE PUT IT DOWN, IT'S DOWN.
- THEN HOLD IT.
HEY, HEY, WAIT-- - THE SECOND POLICY IS, WHEN LADIES START LOOKING THROUGH MAGAZINES, WE PUT IT DOWN.
- UH, HEY, WAIT.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE? - SURE.
- YEAH, GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, HUH? - HEY, IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO LE US SIT DOWN LIKE THIS.
- OH, YEAH? WHY? - 'CAUSE OUR CLOTHES ARE ALL GREASY.
- WHAT? - DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUS A LITTLE JOKE I HAVE.
- VERY FUNNY, TOO.
UH, LISTEN, UM, WHY DON'T WE JUST SIT HERE, RELAX, HAVE OUR COFFEE, AND DECIDE WHERE MY COUCH WOULD LOOK BEST? MAYBE WE'LL MOVE IT, MAYBE WE WON'T.
YOU KNOW, I JUS WANT YOU TO RELAX.
- HEY, UH, THIS IS GREAT.
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE APPRECIATE HOW HARD WE WORK.
- YOU KNOW, THE FUNNIES THING JUST HAPPENED.
YOU WENT TO PUT YOUR HAND ON YOUR OWN KNEE, AND IT WOUND UP ON MINE.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
DO YOU? - YOU GOTTA EXCUSE HIM, LADY.
ONCE, 8 YEARS AGO, HE MADE A CONNECTION ON A DELIVERY.
SO, NOW EVERY TIME HE BRINGS SOMETHING IN, HE THINKS LIGHTNING IS GONNA STRIKE AGAIN.
YOU GOT A SPOON? - YEAH, SURE.
SPOON FOR YOU.
LIGHTNING ROD FOR YOUR BUDDY.
- I BELIEVE IN THE DIRECT APPROACH.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE INSTEAD OF COFFEE? - IT'D BETTER BE TEA.
MORNIN'.
- HEY, DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK WHEN YOU COME OUT OF A ROOM? - HEY, FELLA.
I'M HER HUSBAND.
- OH.
- COME ON, CHARM BOY.
WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
- WELL, I DIDN'T WANT ANY COFFEE ANYWAY.
- JOE, THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC.
- WELL, YOU WORK ON DEMOLITION SITES LONG ENOUGH, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME HERO THAT WANTS TO TAKE ON THE BOSS.
- YEAH? SO, THEN THIS ONE WAS A SNAP FOR YA, HUH? - NO, THIS ONE WAS HARD.
ON THE JOB, I ALWAYS CALL A COP.
- [CHUCKLES.]
HEY, JOE, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING TO A MOVIE TONIGHT? - WELL, IF YOU WANT TO, SURE.
- WELL, IT'S THAT BRENDA HAS THIS BLIND DATE, AND SHE ASKED IF WE'D LIKE TO COME ALONG.
HMM? - WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.
- HEY, JOE, IS ANYTHING WRONG? - OH, NO.
NOTHING'S WRONG.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG? - ARE YOU SURE NOTHING'S WRONG? - OH, NOTHING'S WRONG.
- SURE? ARE YOU SURE? - YEP, SURE.
- WILL YA LISTEN TO ME? YOU TELL ME NOTHING'S WRONG, I SHOULD JUST BELIEVE IT.
STOP ASKING YOU IF ANYTHING'S WRONG.
- RIGHT.
- I DON'T THINK I CAN STOP ASKING YOU.
- WHY? - BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING NOTHING'S WRONG THE SAME WAY CHAD EVERETT TELLS A PATIENT NOTHING'S WRONG.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA? - YEAH.
- COME ON IN.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU PLANTING? - OH, TOMATOES, WATERCRESS.
IT'S A DIET FLOWERBOX.
THIS WAY, IN THE EVENT OF A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST, I WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE A WEIGH WATCHER'S SALAD.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS INTO HEALTH FOODS, I TRIED TO RAISE A COCOA PLANT.
I HAD THIS GREAT IDEA FOR GROWING ORGANIC CHOCOLATE BARS.
- HA HA HA.
DID IT WORK? - I NEVER FOUND OUT.
ONE NIGHT, MY FRIEND ELLEN CHOPPED IT UP AND TRIED TO SMOKE IT.
YOU KNOWYOU KNOW THAT THA WAS THE WORST CASE OF ZITS I'VE EVER SEEN? OH, RHO, YOUR COUCH IS GORGEOUS.
- YEAH, IT IS.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT OUT? - OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
I CLASH WITH GORGEOUS.
- STOP THAT.
- I GUESS YOU WON'T BE READY FOR QUITE A WHILE YET, HUH? - ARE YOU KIDDING? ALL RIGHT.
OOH.
THERE.
- THAT'S THE SINGLE MOST DEPRESSING SIGH I'VE EVER SEEN.
- WHAT? - YOU DON'T KNOW WHA I'VE BEEN THROUGH.
RHODA, I'VE GOT 6 DIFFEREN KINDS OF SPRAYS ON ME.
I DO.
I DYED A PAIR OF SHOES THA WERE ALREADY MY FAVORITE COLOR, AND I KNOW THAT MY DATE STILL WON'T LIKE ME.
- NOW, DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF? BRENDA, WHAT ARE WORRIED ABOUT PASSING HIS TEST? HE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT PASSING YOURS.
- I THINK HE'LL MAKE IT.
- BRENDA, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU LOOK MARVELOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK HIM OUT.
COME ON, COME ON.
YOU'LL BE SO FULL OF CONFIDENCE, NEXT TIME HE'LL DYE HIS SHOES.
- OH, GEE, YOU KNOW, NEIL'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHERE'S JOE? - JUST RELAX, OK? - JOE? - YEAH? - WHAT IS YOUR EXPECTED DEPARTURE TIME? IT'S GETTING A LITTLE LATE.
- HEY, I'LL HURRY.
IT'S OK, I'LL BE THERE.
[BUZZER.]
- HE'LL HURRY, IT'S OK.
HE'LL BE HERE.
- UH, THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES, YES.
- IS BRENDA MORGENSTERN THERE? - UH-HUH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
- YEAH.
YES, CARLTON? I'M HERE.
- PRINCE CHARMING HAS ARRIVED.
- UH - SHORTEST PRINCE CHARMING I EVER SAW.
- HAVE YOU GOT A SAW? - SO WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM? WHERE YOU ARE NOW? OR YOUR OWN PLACE? - UH, COULD YOU TELL HIM TO-- - HEY, I'M NO A MESSENGER, YOU TELL HIM.
- NO, NO, CARLTON, I DON'T WANNA-- - [NASAL.]
HELLO? - HELLO? NEIL? - UH-HUH.
HOW ARE YOU? - FINE.
AND YOU? - FINE.
- GOOD.
UH, I'M GOING TO MY APARTMENT, NOW.
2B.
PERHAPS YOU CAN MEET ME THERE.
- OK.
- SOMETHING TELLS ME IT'S NOT GOING TO BE SENSATIONAL.
- BRENDA, WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
- OK? - YEAH.
- JOE, YOU ALMOST READY? - ALMOST.
- JOE.
HEY, WOULD YOU RATHER NOT GO? - OH, NO, NO.
I'LL GO.
YOU WANTED TO GO, SO WE'LL GO.
- LISTEN.
WHAT IF I GO? JUST ME, BY MYSELF.
I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S A MOVIE.
I'LL BE HOME VERY EARLY.
YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE-- - OK.
- OK.
I'M GONNA GO, THEN I'LL COME BACK.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- OH, JOE, BUT I - WHAT? - UH--THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.
IT'S--I'M EMBARRASSING MYSELF, HERE.
UH, I'M GONNA JUST GO.
- OK? - OK.
- 'CAUSE I SAID I WOULD WITH BRENDA.
THIS IS BEST, 'CAUSE THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO WHA YOU'RE DOING-- - OH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- SEE YA LATER, DOLL.
- BYE.
- JOE? - YEAH? - AT THE RISK OF REALLY MESSING UP OUR MARRIAGE, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY HOME? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA, IS I OK TO COME IN? - SURE, WHY NOT? - WELL, I TRIED TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE, BU YOUR LINE WAS BUSY.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGH YOU MIGHT HAVE COMPANY.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THE COAST WAS CLEAR.
- RHODA, IF THE COAST WAS ANY CLEARER, I WOULDN' EVEN BE HERE.
- NOT A GREA DATE, HUH? - OH, IT WAS PATHETIC.
- STOP IT, STOP IT.
- HE EVEN ASKED PERMISSION TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT.
- NOW, THAT'S KIND OF NICE.
- YEAH, HE KISSED OK.
ONCE ON THE LIPS AND ONCE ON THE NECK.
I THINK HE'S POTENTIALLY PASSIONATE.
- WELL, GOOD.
THEN YOU DIDN'T MIND GOING OU WITHOUT JOE AND ME LAST NIGHT.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.
I THINK IT WAS BETTER.
I MEAN, HE WOULD'VE BEEN VERY SELF- CONSCIOUS WHEN HE SWALLOWED HIS CONTACT LENS.
- OK.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T MIND.
I, UH, I JUST WANT TO BE SURE OF THAT, THAT'S ALL.
- AH.
RHODA, IS SOMETHING WRONG? - NO, NOT A THING.
- OH.
- HEY, THIS IS DOING GOOD.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YEAH, SOMETHING IS WRONG.
BUT, BRENDA, IT'S VERY INVOLVED.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT? - WELL, YESTERDAY, ALL DAY, SOMETHING WAS WEIRD.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING BOTHERING JOE, AND I DON' KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I KEEP ASKING HIM, "WHAT'S WRONG?" AND HE KEEPS TELLING ME, "NOTHING'S WRONG.
" BUT SOMEHOW, BRENDA, I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GE THE BACK OF YOUR DRESS TUCKED IN YOUR PANTYHOSE AND NOBODY'LL TELL YA.
- MAYBE YOU'RE MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.
- NO, NO.
NO.
LAST NIGHT, FOR THE FIRS TIME SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED, WHEN WE WENT TO SLEEP, WE WENT TO SLEEP.
- OH.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW, BRENDA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- LOOK, RHO, I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED, AND I MIGHT BE ALL WRONG, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE SMARTEST THING I EVER HEARD ANYBODY SAY WAS? - WHAT? - IT WAS POP WHO SAID IT.
HE SAID, "MARRIAGE IS LIKE PEPTO-BISMOL.
SOMETIMES IF YOU DON'T SHAKE IT UP ENOUGH, IT DOESN' WORK RIGHT.
" RHO RHO, YOU SEE THE THOUGHT WAS VERY GOOD.
WHAT HE MEANT WAS-- - I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT, AND I WOULD BE FINE IF I WAS MARRIED TO AN UPSET STOMACH.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
- HIYA, BREN.
- HI, JOE.
- HI.
- UH, RHODA, I JUST DROPPED DOWN TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M GOING OUT FOR A WHILE.
- OH, YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO COME ALONG? - OH, NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING I WAN TO TALK TO MY FATHER ABOUT.
- OH.
UH, ANYTHING WRONG? - OH, NO, NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
- OH, GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
- HOW ABOUT YOU? - OH, FINE, YEAH.
- GOOD.
- YEAH.
- OK.
- OK, BYE.
- GOOD-BYE.
- THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
- WHADDAYA MEAN? HE'S GOING HOME TO HIS FATHER.
- I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S KIND OF SWEET.
I MEAN, A GUY LIKE JOE, GOING TO HIS FATHER FOR SOME ANSWERS? - YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT IS SWEET.
WHAT AM I WORRYING ABOUT? HE'S JUST GETTING SOME ADVICE FROM HIS FATHER A MAN WHO'S BEEN DIVORCED TWICE.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- WHO'S THAT? - I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE.
- HEY, JOE.
- HI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - WELL, I WAS REALLY BUGGED ABOUT SOMETHING, AND I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT I BECAUSE IT'S JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY, AND I GOTTA GET IT OFF MY CHEST, BUT I CAN COME BACK SOME OTHER TIME.
- NO, NO, NO, STAY, JOE, STAY.
UH, RACHEL, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET, UH--THIS IS, UH JOE GERARD.
- HEY! SAME LAST NAME.
- YEAH, WELL, YA SEE, JOE'S, UHHE'S, UHHE'S MY SON.
- OH.
- HEY, LOOK, I HOPE I'M NO INTERRUPTING ANYTHING HERE.
- NO, NO, NO.
- OH, NO.
- SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN.
- I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH THE PAPER, TRYING TO FIGURE OU WHAT WE CAN DO THIS AFTERNOON.
I LOVE BEING FREE ON A SUNDAY.
- MAYBE YOU COULD PU SOME MORE COFFEE ON.
- OH, SURE.
SURE.
JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.
LET'S BE LOOSE.
IT'S SUNDAY.
I JUST LOVE SUNDAYS.
- SHE'S 30 YEARS OLD.
- DAD, I DON'T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS.
- I CAN PROVE SHE'S 30! - HEY, DAD, LOOK.
THE REASON I CAME OVER HERE IS THAT I'M HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH RHODA, AND I WANTED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY, AND, WELL, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
- MIND? OH, JOE, THIS IS WHA FATHERS WAIT FOR.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU WERE ONLY 16 YEARS OLD WHEN WE SPLIT UP-- YOUR MOTHER AND I-- AND I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID WE WOULDN' HAVE THESE TALKS LIKE THIS.
IT'S JUST--JOE, I HOPE I CAN DO RIGHT BY YOU.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - IT'S LITTLE THINGS, LIKE I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING ON THE WEEKEND, AND RHODA WANTS TO GO OUT, AND THAT BUGS ME.
BUT, IF WE DON'T GO OUT, THEN I JUST GET THIS GUILTY FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
SO IT'S LIKE I'M WALKING ON EGGS, AND RHODA KEEPS ASKING ME WHAT'S THE MATTER AND I CAN'T TELL HER.
- WHY? - BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I SCREWED UP MY FIRST MARRIAGE WITH MARIAN.
EVERY TIME SOMETHING WENT WRONG, WE'D HAVE A MEETING ABOUT IT.
BANG! THIS MEETING IS CALLED TO ORDER.
YOU, YOU'RE BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME.
3, 4 IN THE MORNING, WE'D BE HANGING IN THERE ABOUT HOW I WAS LETTING HER DOWN, AND HOW SHE WAS DRIVING ME UP A WALL.
DAD, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T PAY TO BE HONEST.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T DO SO WELL NOT BEING HONEST.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR MOTHER EVER EXPLAINED WHAT WENT WRONG IN OUR MARRIAGE.
- WELL, NO, SHE JUST SAID THAT, UH - WELL, IT REALLY WASN'T AN EXPLANATION.
- WELL, COME ON, TELL ME.
WHAT DID SHE SAY? - WELL, SHE SAID THAT, UH SHE JUST COULDN' LIVE WITH A BUM.
- WELL, YEAH.
THAT WAS IT.
- WELL, ANYWAY, AT LEAST MY MARRIAGE TO MARIAN TAUGHT ME SOMETHING.
YOU CAN REALLY LOUSE THINGS UP BY TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT BUGS YOU.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK WITH MARIAN DOESN'T MEAN THA YOU SHOULDN'T BE HONEST WITH RHODA.
- I KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
DIDN'T YOU ALWAYS SAY THA RHODA WAS THE BEST THING THA EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? - RIGHT.
- WELL THEN, HERE'S MY ADVICE.
FIGHT TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK.
I MEAN, TELL HER EVERYTHING.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKE ME.
AND BELIEVE ME, WHA I'VE GOT ISN'T GREAT.
- IT'S VERY GOOD - WHAT'S WRONG? - NOTHING.
- THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING? - I WAS CRYING BECAUSE THE TOMATO CROP FAILED.
- HONEY, I DECIDED THA WE OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK.
- GOOD DECISION, JOE.
YOU KNOW, I WONDER WHY I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
LET'S TALK, PLEASE.
- OK.
I HAD TO GO SEE MY FATHER TO GET SOME ADVICE AND FIND OU A COUPLE OF THINGS.
LOOK, RHODA, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT, UM, I HAVEN' BEEN MYSELF LATELY.
- NOTICED, I'VE NOTICED.
DAMN IT, JOE, WHY HAVEN'T WE TALKED? - BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU WOULD SAY! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT ANOTHER PERSON IS GOING TO SAY? - I CAN.
BELIEVE ME, I'M TELLING YOU.
I CAN.
- OK, NOW, WAIT.
JUST HOLD IT.
FIRST, TELL ME WHAT OUR PROBLEM IS, AND THEN TELL ME WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
- OK.
- OK? - OK.
NOW, I WORK HARD.
ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, I JUST WANT US TO STAY HOME AND RELAX.
BUT I KNEW IF I TOLD YOU THAT, YOU WOULD SAY, "WE DON'T GO OUT ALL WEEK.
NOW WE'RE GONNA SI HOME ON THE WEEKEND?" - WHAT A CRUMMY THING FOR ME TO SAY.
I HOPE YOU TOLD ME OFF.
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
I SAID, "SOMETIMES, STAYING HOME WITH SOMEBODY YOU LOVE CAN BE PRETTY GREAT.
" - GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
THEN WHAT? - WELL, THEN, I FIGURED YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS MARRIED TO A HERMIT.
" - NOT BAD.
AND YOU'D SAY? - "HEY, DON'T CALL ME A HERMIT!" - THAT'S GOOD.
AND, UH, THEN WHAT? - THEN WE'D HAVE A TREMENDOUS ARGUMENT, THEN I'D STORM OU OF THE HOUSE.
THE ONE PLACE I WANTED TO BE ALL WEEKEND.
- JOE, I'M SORRY FOR LAUGHING, BUT - WHAT? - YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE ARGUMENT BY YOURSELF AND YOU STILL LOSE.
OH, JOE, I KNEW IT.
I KNEW YOU WERE THINKING CRAZY THINGS.
- BUT THEN WHY DIDN' YOU SAY SOMETHING? - BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT YOU'D SAY.
- UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
SO BIG DEAL, YOU CAUGHT ME.
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF? AH, JOE, JOE, LISTEN.
I LOVE STAYING HERE, DOING NOTHING.
- YOU DO? - YEAH.
IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD, TO FEEL GOOD DOING NOTHING.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE WORKING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS WHEN I JUST OPEN MY EYES.
- OH, GEE, RHODA, IT'S REALLY GREA TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
- IT'S WONDERFUL THAT IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - [SIGHS.]
NAIL THE DOOR SHUT.
- HA HA HA.
- ONLY ONE THING MORE, HONEY.
AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING PERFECTLY HONEST - YEAH? - I CAN'T TELL YA HOW MUCH I HATE THIS COUCH.
- HEY, HEY, HEY, WATCH THE BACK THERE.
WHAT DO I CARE, IT'S NOT OURS ANYMORE.
- HA HA HA.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT COUCH WASN'T EVEN HERE LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE ITS LITTLE DENT IN THE CARPET.
SO LISTEN.
NEXT TIME I GO FOR ONE, WILL YOU PLEASE GO WITH ME? - HUH? - OH, SURE, SURE.
- AS LONG AS IT'S NOT ON THE WEEKEND.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- LOOK, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY COMING OVER SO EARLY.
- OH, NO.
LISTEN, I HAD TO BE UP ANYWAY.
THE DELIVERY MEN ARE COMING.
HEY, YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST? - JUST COFFEE.
- OK.
- HEY, IS YOUR NEW COUCH COMING TODAY? - YEAH, THE STORE CALLED THIS MORNING, WOKE ME UP TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT TIME THEY WOULD BE HERE.
- WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY? - PRECISELY BETWEEN 8:00 AM AND 5:00 PM.
- AND WHERE'S JOE? - UH, ASLEEP, STILL.
YEAH.
WELL, HE CAME IN LAST NIGHT.
HE WAS WORKING TILL 3:00 AM.
- GEE, IT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH NO SEEING HIM LAST NIGHT.
- OH, I SAW HIM ALL RIGHT.
HE, UM WAKES ME UP WHEN HE COMES TO BED.
- EVERY NIGHT? - YEAH.
- WOW! - YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I'M GLAD THE WEEKEND'S HERE, THOUGH, BREN.
WE BOTH COULD USE IT.
YEAH, SOMETHING'S BEEN A LITTLE FUNNY WITH JOE LATELY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - I DON'T KNOW.
- I THINK SOMETHING'S BOTHERING HIM, BUT, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THINGS DON'T SEEM QUITE NORMAL.
OF COURSE, WHEN YOU'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED A MONTH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS.
- HEY, THAT'S QUITE A BREAKFAST.
- OH, YEAH.
SINCE HE'S NOT UP YET, I FIGURED I'D MAKE SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL.
- OH, HE'LL LOVE IT.
- NO, HE WON'T.
IT'S FOR ME.
- HEY, RHO, WHILE YOU'RE SITTING HERE WAITING FOR YOUR COUCH, COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR? - ANYTHING.
- WELL, UH, I HAVE THIS BLIND DATE TONIGHT, YOU SEE.
THE BANK MANAGER ARRANGED I WITH HIS SON, AND I THINK THE SON MUST REALLY LIKE ME.
- WAIT, BLIND DATE? HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM? - WELL, HIS FATHER HAD ME WORK THE DRIVE-UP WINDOW ALL WEEK, AND THIS ONE GUY KEP ZOOMING PAST.
- MM-HMM.
SO? - HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR.
RHO, COULD YOU AND JOE DOUBLE DATE WITH ME TONIGHT? - TONIGHT? - YEAH, YOU KNOW.
GIVE ME SOME INSURANCE.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL ASK JOE AND I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OK? - GREAT.
LOOK, IF I'M NOT HOME, I'LL BE OUT BUYING A DRESS.
- OH, YEAH? LISTEN, BRENDA, WHERE ARE YOU DOING YOUR SHOPPING THESE DAYS? - OH, SAME PLACE.
THE ONE THAT HAS THE GREA SELECTION IN MY SIZE.
NOBLESSE OBESE.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
- WHO IS IT? - DELIVERY MAN WITH THE COUCH.
- RIGHT, GOOD.
OH, TAKE IT EASY.
PLEASE WATCH THE BACK HERE, HUH? AH.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT IT, HONEY? - DO YOU MIND DOING ME A FAVOR AND DON'T CALL ME HONEY? ALL RIGHT? - ANYTHING YOU SAY, BABY.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU.
NOW, LISTEN WILL YOU GUYS JUST BEAR WITH ME? AND WE CAN WORK HERE FOR JUS A MINUTE, 'CAUSE I'M NOT SURE SUDDENLY WHERE I WANT IT.
- HEY, LADY, DIDN'T YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WANTED I BEFORE WE GOT HERE? - WELL, YEAH, SURE.
BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT, IT'S MUCH BIGGER THAN IT WAS IN THE STORE.
- IT'S ALSO HEAVIER THAN IT WAS IN THE STORE.
LOOK, WE'VE GOT A POLICY THAT WE NEVER BREAK.
ONCE WE PUT IT DOWN, IT'S DOWN.
- THEN HOLD IT.
HEY, HEY, WAIT-- - THE SECOND POLICY IS, WHEN LADIES START LOOKING THROUGH MAGAZINES, WE PUT IT DOWN.
- UH, HEY, WAIT.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE? - SURE.
- YEAH, GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, HUH? - HEY, IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO LE US SIT DOWN LIKE THIS.
- OH, YEAH? WHY? - 'CAUSE OUR CLOTHES ARE ALL GREASY.
- WHAT? - DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUS A LITTLE JOKE I HAVE.
- VERY FUNNY, TOO.
UH, LISTEN, UM, WHY DON'T WE JUST SIT HERE, RELAX, HAVE OUR COFFEE, AND DECIDE WHERE MY COUCH WOULD LOOK BEST? MAYBE WE'LL MOVE IT, MAYBE WE WON'T.
YOU KNOW, I JUS WANT YOU TO RELAX.
- HEY, UH, THIS IS GREAT.
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE APPRECIATE HOW HARD WE WORK.
- YOU KNOW, THE FUNNIES THING JUST HAPPENED.
YOU WENT TO PUT YOUR HAND ON YOUR OWN KNEE, AND IT WOUND UP ON MINE.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
DO YOU? - YOU GOTTA EXCUSE HIM, LADY.
ONCE, 8 YEARS AGO, HE MADE A CONNECTION ON A DELIVERY.
SO, NOW EVERY TIME HE BRINGS SOMETHING IN, HE THINKS LIGHTNING IS GONNA STRIKE AGAIN.
YOU GOT A SPOON? - YEAH, SURE.
SPOON FOR YOU.
LIGHTNING ROD FOR YOUR BUDDY.
- I BELIEVE IN THE DIRECT APPROACH.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE INSTEAD OF COFFEE? - IT'D BETTER BE TEA.
MORNIN'.
- HEY, DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK WHEN YOU COME OUT OF A ROOM? - HEY, FELLA.
I'M HER HUSBAND.
- OH.
- COME ON, CHARM BOY.
WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
- WELL, I DIDN'T WANT ANY COFFEE ANYWAY.
- JOE, THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC.
- WELL, YOU WORK ON DEMOLITION SITES LONG ENOUGH, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME HERO THAT WANTS TO TAKE ON THE BOSS.
- YEAH? SO, THEN THIS ONE WAS A SNAP FOR YA, HUH? - NO, THIS ONE WAS HARD.
ON THE JOB, I ALWAYS CALL A COP.
- [CHUCKLES.]
HEY, JOE, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING TO A MOVIE TONIGHT? - WELL, IF YOU WANT TO, SURE.
- WELL, IT'S THAT BRENDA HAS THIS BLIND DATE, AND SHE ASKED IF WE'D LIKE TO COME ALONG.
HMM? - WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.
- HEY, JOE, IS ANYTHING WRONG? - OH, NO.
NOTHING'S WRONG.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG? - ARE YOU SURE NOTHING'S WRONG? - OH, NOTHING'S WRONG.
- SURE? ARE YOU SURE? - YEP, SURE.
- WILL YA LISTEN TO ME? YOU TELL ME NOTHING'S WRONG, I SHOULD JUST BELIEVE IT.
STOP ASKING YOU IF ANYTHING'S WRONG.
- RIGHT.
- I DON'T THINK I CAN STOP ASKING YOU.
- WHY? - BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING NOTHING'S WRONG THE SAME WAY CHAD EVERETT TELLS A PATIENT NOTHING'S WRONG.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA? - YEAH.
- COME ON IN.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU PLANTING? - OH, TOMATOES, WATERCRESS.
IT'S A DIET FLOWERBOX.
THIS WAY, IN THE EVENT OF A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST, I WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE A WEIGH WATCHER'S SALAD.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS INTO HEALTH FOODS, I TRIED TO RAISE A COCOA PLANT.
I HAD THIS GREAT IDEA FOR GROWING ORGANIC CHOCOLATE BARS.
- HA HA HA.
DID IT WORK? - I NEVER FOUND OUT.
ONE NIGHT, MY FRIEND ELLEN CHOPPED IT UP AND TRIED TO SMOKE IT.
YOU KNOWYOU KNOW THAT THA WAS THE WORST CASE OF ZITS I'VE EVER SEEN? OH, RHO, YOUR COUCH IS GORGEOUS.
- YEAH, IT IS.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT OUT? - OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
I CLASH WITH GORGEOUS.
- STOP THAT.
- I GUESS YOU WON'T BE READY FOR QUITE A WHILE YET, HUH? - ARE YOU KIDDING? ALL RIGHT.
OOH.
THERE.
- THAT'S THE SINGLE MOST DEPRESSING SIGH I'VE EVER SEEN.
- WHAT? - YOU DON'T KNOW WHA I'VE BEEN THROUGH.
RHODA, I'VE GOT 6 DIFFEREN KINDS OF SPRAYS ON ME.
I DO.
I DYED A PAIR OF SHOES THA WERE ALREADY MY FAVORITE COLOR, AND I KNOW THAT MY DATE STILL WON'T LIKE ME.
- NOW, DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF? BRENDA, WHAT ARE WORRIED ABOUT PASSING HIS TEST? HE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT PASSING YOURS.
- I THINK HE'LL MAKE IT.
- BRENDA, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU LOOK MARVELOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK HIM OUT.
COME ON, COME ON.
YOU'LL BE SO FULL OF CONFIDENCE, NEXT TIME HE'LL DYE HIS SHOES.
- OH, GEE, YOU KNOW, NEIL'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHERE'S JOE? - JUST RELAX, OK? - JOE? - YEAH? - WHAT IS YOUR EXPECTED DEPARTURE TIME? IT'S GETTING A LITTLE LATE.
- HEY, I'LL HURRY.
IT'S OK, I'LL BE THERE.
[BUZZER.]
- HE'LL HURRY, IT'S OK.
HE'LL BE HERE.
- UH, THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES, YES.
- IS BRENDA MORGENSTERN THERE? - UH-HUH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
- YEAH.
YES, CARLTON? I'M HERE.
- PRINCE CHARMING HAS ARRIVED.
- UH - SHORTEST PRINCE CHARMING I EVER SAW.
- HAVE YOU GOT A SAW? - SO WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM? WHERE YOU ARE NOW? OR YOUR OWN PLACE? - UH, COULD YOU TELL HIM TO-- - HEY, I'M NO A MESSENGER, YOU TELL HIM.
- NO, NO, CARLTON, I DON'T WANNA-- - [NASAL.]
HELLO? - HELLO? NEIL? - UH-HUH.
HOW ARE YOU? - FINE.
AND YOU? - FINE.
- GOOD.
UH, I'M GOING TO MY APARTMENT, NOW.
2B.
PERHAPS YOU CAN MEET ME THERE.
- OK.
- SOMETHING TELLS ME IT'S NOT GOING TO BE SENSATIONAL.
- BRENDA, WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
- OK? - YEAH.
- JOE, YOU ALMOST READY? - ALMOST.
- JOE.
HEY, WOULD YOU RATHER NOT GO? - OH, NO, NO.
I'LL GO.
YOU WANTED TO GO, SO WE'LL GO.
- LISTEN.
WHAT IF I GO? JUST ME, BY MYSELF.
I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S A MOVIE.
I'LL BE HOME VERY EARLY.
YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE-- - OK.
- OK.
I'M GONNA GO, THEN I'LL COME BACK.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- OH, JOE, BUT I - WHAT? - UH--THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.
IT'S--I'M EMBARRASSING MYSELF, HERE.
UH, I'M GONNA JUST GO.
- OK? - OK.
- 'CAUSE I SAID I WOULD WITH BRENDA.
THIS IS BEST, 'CAUSE THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO WHA YOU'RE DOING-- - OH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- SEE YA LATER, DOLL.
- BYE.
- JOE? - YEAH? - AT THE RISK OF REALLY MESSING UP OUR MARRIAGE, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY HOME? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA, IS I OK TO COME IN? - SURE, WHY NOT? - WELL, I TRIED TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE, BU YOUR LINE WAS BUSY.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGH YOU MIGHT HAVE COMPANY.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THE COAST WAS CLEAR.
- RHODA, IF THE COAST WAS ANY CLEARER, I WOULDN' EVEN BE HERE.
- NOT A GREA DATE, HUH? - OH, IT WAS PATHETIC.
- STOP IT, STOP IT.
- HE EVEN ASKED PERMISSION TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT.
- NOW, THAT'S KIND OF NICE.
- YEAH, HE KISSED OK.
ONCE ON THE LIPS AND ONCE ON THE NECK.
I THINK HE'S POTENTIALLY PASSIONATE.
- WELL, GOOD.
THEN YOU DIDN'T MIND GOING OU WITHOUT JOE AND ME LAST NIGHT.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.
I THINK IT WAS BETTER.
I MEAN, HE WOULD'VE BEEN VERY SELF- CONSCIOUS WHEN HE SWALLOWED HIS CONTACT LENS.
- OK.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T MIND.
I, UH, I JUST WANT TO BE SURE OF THAT, THAT'S ALL.
- AH.
RHODA, IS SOMETHING WRONG? - NO, NOT A THING.
- OH.
- HEY, THIS IS DOING GOOD.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YEAH, SOMETHING IS WRONG.
BUT, BRENDA, IT'S VERY INVOLVED.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT? - WELL, YESTERDAY, ALL DAY, SOMETHING WAS WEIRD.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING BOTHERING JOE, AND I DON' KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I KEEP ASKING HIM, "WHAT'S WRONG?" AND HE KEEPS TELLING ME, "NOTHING'S WRONG.
" BUT SOMEHOW, BRENDA, I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GE THE BACK OF YOUR DRESS TUCKED IN YOUR PANTYHOSE AND NOBODY'LL TELL YA.
- MAYBE YOU'RE MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.
- NO, NO.
NO.
LAST NIGHT, FOR THE FIRS TIME SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED, WHEN WE WENT TO SLEEP, WE WENT TO SLEEP.
- OH.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW, BRENDA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- LOOK, RHO, I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED, AND I MIGHT BE ALL WRONG, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE SMARTEST THING I EVER HEARD ANYBODY SAY WAS? - WHAT? - IT WAS POP WHO SAID IT.
HE SAID, "MARRIAGE IS LIKE PEPTO-BISMOL.
SOMETIMES IF YOU DON'T SHAKE IT UP ENOUGH, IT DOESN' WORK RIGHT.
" RHO RHO, YOU SEE THE THOUGHT WAS VERY GOOD.
WHAT HE MEANT WAS-- - I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT, AND I WOULD BE FINE IF I WAS MARRIED TO AN UPSET STOMACH.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
- HIYA, BREN.
- HI, JOE.
- HI.
- UH, RHODA, I JUST DROPPED DOWN TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M GOING OUT FOR A WHILE.
- OH, YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO COME ALONG? - OH, NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING I WAN TO TALK TO MY FATHER ABOUT.
- OH.
UH, ANYTHING WRONG? - OH, NO, NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
- OH, GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
- HOW ABOUT YOU? - OH, FINE, YEAH.
- GOOD.
- YEAH.
- OK.
- OK, BYE.
- GOOD-BYE.
- THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
- WHADDAYA MEAN? HE'S GOING HOME TO HIS FATHER.
- I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S KIND OF SWEET.
I MEAN, A GUY LIKE JOE, GOING TO HIS FATHER FOR SOME ANSWERS? - YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT IS SWEET.
WHAT AM I WORRYING ABOUT? HE'S JUST GETTING SOME ADVICE FROM HIS FATHER A MAN WHO'S BEEN DIVORCED TWICE.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- WHO'S THAT? - I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE.
- HEY, JOE.
- HI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - WELL, I WAS REALLY BUGGED ABOUT SOMETHING, AND I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT I BECAUSE IT'S JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY, AND I GOTTA GET IT OFF MY CHEST, BUT I CAN COME BACK SOME OTHER TIME.
- NO, NO, NO, STAY, JOE, STAY.
UH, RACHEL, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET, UH--THIS IS, UH JOE GERARD.
- HEY! SAME LAST NAME.
- YEAH, WELL, YA SEE, JOE'S, UHHE'S, UHHE'S MY SON.
- OH.
- HEY, LOOK, I HOPE I'M NO INTERRUPTING ANYTHING HERE.
- NO, NO, NO.
- OH, NO.
- SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN.
- I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH THE PAPER, TRYING TO FIGURE OU WHAT WE CAN DO THIS AFTERNOON.
I LOVE BEING FREE ON A SUNDAY.
- MAYBE YOU COULD PU SOME MORE COFFEE ON.
- OH, SURE.
SURE.
JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.
LET'S BE LOOSE.
IT'S SUNDAY.
I JUST LOVE SUNDAYS.
- SHE'S 30 YEARS OLD.
- DAD, I DON'T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS.
- I CAN PROVE SHE'S 30! - HEY, DAD, LOOK.
THE REASON I CAME OVER HERE IS THAT I'M HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH RHODA, AND I WANTED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY, AND, WELL, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
- MIND? OH, JOE, THIS IS WHA FATHERS WAIT FOR.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU WERE ONLY 16 YEARS OLD WHEN WE SPLIT UP-- YOUR MOTHER AND I-- AND I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID WE WOULDN' HAVE THESE TALKS LIKE THIS.
IT'S JUST--JOE, I HOPE I CAN DO RIGHT BY YOU.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - IT'S LITTLE THINGS, LIKE I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING ON THE WEEKEND, AND RHODA WANTS TO GO OUT, AND THAT BUGS ME.
BUT, IF WE DON'T GO OUT, THEN I JUST GET THIS GUILTY FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
SO IT'S LIKE I'M WALKING ON EGGS, AND RHODA KEEPS ASKING ME WHAT'S THE MATTER AND I CAN'T TELL HER.
- WHY? - BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I SCREWED UP MY FIRST MARRIAGE WITH MARIAN.
EVERY TIME SOMETHING WENT WRONG, WE'D HAVE A MEETING ABOUT IT.
BANG! THIS MEETING IS CALLED TO ORDER.
YOU, YOU'RE BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME.
3, 4 IN THE MORNING, WE'D BE HANGING IN THERE ABOUT HOW I WAS LETTING HER DOWN, AND HOW SHE WAS DRIVING ME UP A WALL.
DAD, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T PAY TO BE HONEST.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T DO SO WELL NOT BEING HONEST.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR MOTHER EVER EXPLAINED WHAT WENT WRONG IN OUR MARRIAGE.
- WELL, NO, SHE JUST SAID THAT, UH - WELL, IT REALLY WASN'T AN EXPLANATION.
- WELL, COME ON, TELL ME.
WHAT DID SHE SAY? - WELL, SHE SAID THAT, UH SHE JUST COULDN' LIVE WITH A BUM.
- WELL, YEAH.
THAT WAS IT.
- WELL, ANYWAY, AT LEAST MY MARRIAGE TO MARIAN TAUGHT ME SOMETHING.
YOU CAN REALLY LOUSE THINGS UP BY TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT BUGS YOU.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK WITH MARIAN DOESN'T MEAN THA YOU SHOULDN'T BE HONEST WITH RHODA.
- I KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
DIDN'T YOU ALWAYS SAY THA RHODA WAS THE BEST THING THA EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? - RIGHT.
- WELL THEN, HERE'S MY ADVICE.
FIGHT TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK.
I MEAN, TELL HER EVERYTHING.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKE ME.
AND BELIEVE ME, WHA I'VE GOT ISN'T GREAT.
- IT'S VERY GOOD - WHAT'S WRONG? - NOTHING.
- THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING? - I WAS CRYING BECAUSE THE TOMATO CROP FAILED.
- HONEY, I DECIDED THA WE OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK.
- GOOD DECISION, JOE.
YOU KNOW, I WONDER WHY I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
LET'S TALK, PLEASE.
- OK.
I HAD TO GO SEE MY FATHER TO GET SOME ADVICE AND FIND OU A COUPLE OF THINGS.
LOOK, RHODA, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT, UM, I HAVEN' BEEN MYSELF LATELY.
- NOTICED, I'VE NOTICED.
DAMN IT, JOE, WHY HAVEN'T WE TALKED? - BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU WOULD SAY! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT ANOTHER PERSON IS GOING TO SAY? - I CAN.
BELIEVE ME, I'M TELLING YOU.
I CAN.
- OK, NOW, WAIT.
JUST HOLD IT.
FIRST, TELL ME WHAT OUR PROBLEM IS, AND THEN TELL ME WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
- OK.
- OK? - OK.
NOW, I WORK HARD.
ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, I JUST WANT US TO STAY HOME AND RELAX.
BUT I KNEW IF I TOLD YOU THAT, YOU WOULD SAY, "WE DON'T GO OUT ALL WEEK.
NOW WE'RE GONNA SI HOME ON THE WEEKEND?" - WHAT A CRUMMY THING FOR ME TO SAY.
I HOPE YOU TOLD ME OFF.
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
I SAID, "SOMETIMES, STAYING HOME WITH SOMEBODY YOU LOVE CAN BE PRETTY GREAT.
" - GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
THEN WHAT? - WELL, THEN, I FIGURED YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS MARRIED TO A HERMIT.
" - NOT BAD.
AND YOU'D SAY? - "HEY, DON'T CALL ME A HERMIT!" - THAT'S GOOD.
AND, UH, THEN WHAT? - THEN WE'D HAVE A TREMENDOUS ARGUMENT, THEN I'D STORM OU OF THE HOUSE.
THE ONE PLACE I WANTED TO BE ALL WEEKEND.
- JOE, I'M SORRY FOR LAUGHING, BUT - WHAT? - YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE ARGUMENT BY YOURSELF AND YOU STILL LOSE.
OH, JOE, I KNEW IT.
I KNEW YOU WERE THINKING CRAZY THINGS.
- BUT THEN WHY DIDN' YOU SAY SOMETHING? - BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT YOU'D SAY.
- UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
SO BIG DEAL, YOU CAUGHT ME.
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF? AH, JOE, JOE, LISTEN.
I LOVE STAYING HERE, DOING NOTHING.
- YOU DO? - YEAH.
IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD, TO FEEL GOOD DOING NOTHING.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE WORKING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS WHEN I JUST OPEN MY EYES.
- OH, GEE, RHODA, IT'S REALLY GREA TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
- IT'S WONDERFUL THAT IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - [SIGHS.]
NAIL THE DOOR SHUT.
- HA HA HA.
- ONLY ONE THING MORE, HONEY.
AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING PERFECTLY HONEST - YEAH? - I CAN'T TELL YA HOW MUCH I HATE THIS COUCH.
- HEY, HEY, HEY, WATCH THE BACK THERE.
WHAT DO I CARE, IT'S NOT OURS ANYMORE.
- HA HA HA.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT COUCH WASN'T EVEN HERE LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE ITS LITTLE DENT IN THE CARPET.
SO LISTEN.
NEXT TIME I GO FOR ONE, WILL YOU PLEASE GO WITH ME? - HUH? - OH, SURE, SURE.
- AS LONG AS IT'S NOT ON THE WEEKEND.