Rhoda (1974) s01e15 Episode Script

- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA? HELP.
- RHODA, YOU NEED TO BORROW SOMETHING? - NO, NO, I'M LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE OUT.
- OH, WELL, THIS IS AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S A BETTER PLACE THAN ANY.
WHO ARE YOU HIDING FROM? - MY PARTY.
BRENDA THE VERY FIRST PARTY THA JOE AND I GIVE, RIGHT? IT'S BOMBING.
IT IS BOMBING, I TELL YOU.
IT IS TERRIBLE.
IT'S SO BAD UP THERE, I COULDN'T STAND IT.
I SAID I WAS GOING FOR MORE HORS D'OEUVRES.
- DID ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING? - SURE.
20 PEOPLE SAID, "LET ME GO.
PLEASE, ME, ME! CAN I GO?" - OH.
COME ON, RHODA, I CAN' BELIEVE IT'S THAT BAD.
- OH, BELIEVE IT.
IT'S THE PITS.
I TELL YA, IT'S TERRIBLE BRENDA, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST MY FRIENDS AND JOE'S FRIENDS.
TWO GROUPS OFTOTALLY OPPOSITE PEOPLE.
- "COSMOPOLITAN" SAYS THA MAGIC HAPPENS WHEN YOU INVITE REALLY OPPOSITE TYPES.
- WELL, THE ONLY MAGIC IS THA SOMEBODY'S HUSBAND DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A TRACE.
- RHODA, HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE IT'S NOT GOING GOOD? YOU'RE ALWAYS EXAGGERATING.
- EXAGGERATING? BRENDA, THEY'RE UP THERE WATCHING "APPLE'S WAY.
" - ALL OF THEM? - NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT ALL OF THEM.
ANOTHER GROUP IS IN THE BEDROOM WATCHING DISNEY.
- LISTEN, RHODA, YOU KNOW IT'S EARLY.
MAYBE IT'S JUS STARTING OUT SLOW.
- HMM, NO.
I HAVE TO GO UP THERE.
RIGHT NOW.
IMMEDIATELY.
AHH.
- YEAH, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.
- THANKS A LOT.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D SAY, "THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD," AND KNOCK ME UNCONSCIOUS.
- [CHUCKLES.]
YOU KNOW, I BET SOME PEOPLE WORK WEEKS TO PULL OFF A PARTY THIS DULL.
BUT WE DID IT LIKE THAT, JOE.
WE'VE GOT THE KNACK.
- YEAH, SO WE'RE NOT PARTY GIVERS.
EH, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
BESIDES, ONE GOOD THING CAME OUT OF IT.
I FOUND OUT WHO MY REAL FRIENDS ARE.
- YEAH? - THE ONES WHO ADMITTED THEY WERE HAVING A ROTTEN TIME.
- OH, JOE, YOU'RE TAKING THIS SO GOOD.
YOU REALLY ARE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT EVEN MAD THAT I SLIPPED OUT.
- WELL, I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I SLIPPED OUT, TOO.
- YOU DID? TO WHERE? - OUT TO THE TERRACE.
THAT WAY, I FIGURED IF ANYBODY REALLY WANTED A HOST TO TALK TO, THEY COULD COME ON OUT.
- AND DID THEY? - YEAH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE SOMEBODY WOULD COME OUT AND SAY, "DOESN'T THE RAIN BOTHER YOU?" - STOP IT.
WHAT ARE WE LAUGHING? THIS IS SERIOUS.
NOW, THIS IS A CRISIS SITUATION.
THE FIRST PARTY OF OUR MARRIED LIFE DIED.
WE'VE GOT TO FIGURE OU WHAT WE DID WRONG, HUH? NOW, I THINK I DID BAD BECAUSE I WAS OVERANXIOUS.
SCARED.
I MEAN, I WANTED ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO THINK YOU WERE THE LUCKY ONE.
- YEAH.
I WAS NERVOUS, TOO.
- JOE, WE ARE NOT A HIT WITH PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, WHAT'S GONNA BECOME OF US? I CAN SEE US NOW.
TWO OLD PEOPLE, HUDDLED TOGETHER, PLAYING CHECKERS AND HUMMING.
- WELL, THE PARTY WOULD REALLY HAVE BEEN GREAT IF ONLY CHARLIE WOULD'VE SHOWN UP.
- CHARLIE? - YEAH, YOU KNOW.
CHARLIE BURKE? CHARLIE.
MY BEST FRIEND SINCE I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.
HE WAS MY BEST MAN AT MY FIRST WEDDING.
- RIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF BEST FRIEND IS HE THAT HE DOESN'T SHOW UP WHEN YOU MOST NEED HIM? - WELL, HE'S A SINGLE GUY AND HE'S BUSY A LOT.
- YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- MAYBE I'LL GIVE HIM A CALL TOMORROW AND HE'LL COME OVER, HUH? - TERRIFIC.
JOE, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD'VE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
START WITH ONE GUY AND GRADUALLY WORK OUR WAY UP TO AN ENTIRE COUPLE.
- ARE YOU SURE EVERYTHING'S OK, JOE? - OH, YEAH.
- WELL, I USED EVERY WEDDING PRESEN WE GOT, EXCEP FOR THE BUN WARMER.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, NOBODY GAVE US ANY BUNS.
- HEY, RELAX, CHARLIE WILL NEVER MISS THEM.
- YEAH.
WHICH CANDLE SNUFFER SHOULD I USE? THIS ONE.
NOW LISTEN, JOE, I HOPE HE LIKES THE WINE I GOT, BECAUSE THE MAN AT THE LIQUOR STORE TOLD ME THAT THIS IS GREAT.
IT GOES VERY WELL WITH MEAT, FISH, OR POULTRY.
SORT OF AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY WINE.
- GREAT, GREAT.
TONIGHT'S REALLY GONNA BE FUN.
- WELL, IT BETTER BE, THERE'S NOTHING GOOD ON TELEVISION.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
CHARLIE! - JOE.
- COME ON IN.
- GREAT TO SEE YA.
- CHARLIE? THIS IS RHODA.
- JOE, I LOVE HER.
- HI.
- HEY.
- HOW ARE YA? - YOU KNOW, JOE'S TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU, I'M REALLY GLAD I FINALLY GOT TO MEET YOU.
- OH, LISTEN, CHARLIE, I'M GLAD TO FINALLY MEET YOU, TOO.
- YOU KNOW? YOU'RE A GREAT LOOKING GIRL.
- THANK YOU.
- NO, I MEAN YOU ARE GREAT LOOKING.
- OH, THANKS.
NOT JUST GOOD LOOKING OR ATTRACTIVE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU ARE GREAT LOOKING.
- OH, REALLY, COME ON NOW.
- WHAT A GREAT DRESS.
- OH, YEAH.
- MAKES YOU EVEN GREATER LOOKING.
- HA HA.
STOP, I'M NOT, I'M REALLY-- - YOU ARE--UNTRUE, UNTRUE.
YOU ARE A GREAT LOOKING GIRL.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU? I'M A GREAT - LOOKING GIRL.
- YEAH.
- AHH.
- JOE.
- YEAH? - DID YOU SEE THE KNICKS GAME ON THE TUBE LAST NIGHT? - OH, YEAH.
- THAT FRAZIER.
IS HE SOMETHING, OR IS HE SOMETHING? - OH, HE'S REALLY SOMETHING.
YOU REMEMBER THAT JUMP SHO AT THE END OF THE 3rd QUARTER? - WASN'T THAT INCREDIBLE? - YEAH.
- NOT ONLY THAT, BU HE'S GOT A THING HE DOES.
- HEY, CHARLIE.
IS THIS THING WITH THE PINK RIBBONS ON IT FOR ME? HUH? HA HA HA.
- THIS IS FOR YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU, CHARLIE.
- I, UH, THINK IT'S THE PERFECT HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
- THERE'S A MAID IN HERE? - GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
"A MAID IN HERE.
" OH, THAT'S FUNNY.
YEAH.
IT'S REALLY DELIGHTFUL TO HEAR SOME OF THE THINGS YOU SAY.
- IT'S, UHIT'S A CUTIE.
- YEAH.
I KNEW SHE'D LIKE IT.
DON'T ALL GIRLS HAVE ONE OF THEM STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTIONS? - IS ONE A COLLECTION? - YOU DON'T HAVE A STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTION? - NO.
- YOU GOT A CAT? - NO.
- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? IT'S OK.
WE ALL GOT OUR HANG-UPS.
IT'S GREAT.
- HEY, CHARLIE, WHAT CAN I GE YOU TO DRINK, HUH? SCOTCH? GIN? VODKA? WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE? - YOU GOT A BREW? - OH, YEAH, SURE.
- YEAH.
- RHODA? - OH, NOTHING, THANKS.
UH, CHARLIE, I HEAR YOU'RE IN THE COMPUTER BUSINESS.
- YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH? - IT'S A GREAT BUSINESS.
- UH-HUH.
- THE BEST.
- HOW'S BUSINESS? - LOUSY.
- OH.
TOO BAD.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.
WE'VE GOT THIS MACHINE, OUR COMPUTER.
IT'S NOT AS SMAR AS THE OTHERS.
- UH-HUH.
- BUT IT'S A LOT CUTER, AND IT'S EASIER TO CLEAN, SO WOMEN LOVE IT.
- I'M WAITING FOR THE SELF-CLEANING MODEL, THEN WE'RE GONNA GET ONE.
SO, CHARLIE UM, JOE NEVER MENTIONED IT.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED? - NO, BUT I'M STRAIGH AS A LOCOMOTIVE.
NO, NO, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE--THEY HEAR YOU'RE A BACHELOR AT MY AGE AND RIGHT AWAY THEY THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
SO I JUST NOW AUTOMATICALLY SAY, "I'M STRAIGHT AS A LOCOMOTIVE.
" - HEY, CHARLIE, THIS ALL RIGHT FOR YOU? - YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT.
- OH, JOE.
USE THE WEDDING PRESENT.
YOU KNOW, THE PEWTER MUGS.
- OH, GEE, I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEM.
- OH, NO, NO.
LISTEN, THE CAN'S FINE FOR ME.
I'M A CAN MAN.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
OH.
I SAID THAT RIGH IN FRONT OF A WOMAN.
- HEY, RHODA, HOW ABOUT DINNER? CHARLIE'S PROBABLY STARVED.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S ALL SIT DOWN.
CHARLIE? HERE.
- I'LL BET YOU'RE A GREAT COOK.
- NO, I'M A GREAT LITTLE COOK.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, JOE, ARE YOU ON TO CABLE? - OH, YEAH.
SURE, WHY? - WHY? THE RANGERS GAME COMES ON IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
WE COULD WATCH IT WHILE WE EAT.
- AW, GEE, CHARLIE.
RHODA WENT TO AN AWFUL LO OF TROUBLEYOU KNOW.
- OH, SHE CERTAINLY HAS, YES.
- YEAH, LISTEN, I WAS KIND OF HOPING WE COULD TALK, YOU KNOW, AND GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WE'LL LEAVE THE SOUND OFF.
- OH.
RHODA, DINNER WAS GREAT.
REALLY.
IT'S A REAL TREA FOR A BACHELOR LIKE ME.
USUALLY I EAT CRUD.
YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE COOK.
- YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE GUEST.
- SO, CHARLIE, WHEN ARE WE GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN? HUH, PAL? - WELL, AS SOON AS YOU INVITE ME.
- OK, OK, HOW ABOU NEXT TUESDAY? HUH? RHODA? - SURE.
FINE.
TUESDAY'S FINE.
- OK.
- WELL, OK.
- LISTEN, I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO THE HOCKEY GAME ON SUNDAY.
- OH, YEAH? - YOU WANNA GO? - DO I WANNA GO? OH, MAN, I'D LOVE TO.
- OK.
AND I'D LIKE TO RECIPROCATE FOR TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T WE THREE OF US GO OU TO DINNER AND, UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY THURSDAY? THURSDAY NIGHT? - THURSDAY? RHODA? - SURE.
FINE.
YEAH.
THURSDAY'S FINE.
- OK.
THAT'S GREAT.
WE'RE GONNA SEE EACH OTHER THREE MORE TIMES THIS WEEK.
OH, BOY, ARE YOU GONNA GET SICK OF ME.
- NEVER.
- AHEM.
WELL.
GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT CHARLIE.
- LATER, JOE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HA HA HA.
COME ON.
- [INDISTINCT.]
- FORGET IT! - [INDISTINCT.]
- RIDICULOUS! [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- SEE YA, BOY.
- YEAH, TAKE IT EASY.
- WELL? WAS I RIGHT? HUH? ISN'T HE SOMETHING? - OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE'S SOMETHING.
HE REALLY IS.
HE REALLY LIKES YOU, JOE.
- OH, WELL, WE GO BACK A LONG WAY.
- AND YOU REALLY LIKE CHARLIE, DON'T YA? - WELL, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- DIDN'T YA LOVE HIM? - THE QUESTION IS, "DIDN'T I LOVE HIM?" WELL, NOW, LISTEN.
LOVE IS AN EXTREME TERM, JOE.
DON'T YOU THINK? I MEAN, WHAT YOU'RE REALLY ASKING IS, "DIDN'T I LIKE HIM?" - YEAH.
DID YOU LIKE HIM? - NO.
OH, JOE, I DON'T THINK CHARLIE AND I REALLY WERE CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU TWO REALLY HIT IT OFF.
HE SAID HE LIKED YOU THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.
- NUH-UH.
NO.
HE SAID HE LOVED ME THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.
HOW CAN HE LOVE ME? HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
BESIDES, I DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO LIKES ME RIGHT AWAY.
- OK, RHODA.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE CHARLIE, IT'S NOT WORTH YOU BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.
- MM-MMM.
- NO, WE'LL BREAK A COUPLE OF DINNER DATES.
- NO BIG DEAL.
- NO, NO.
JOE, LISTEN TO ME.
I WANT TO LIKE THE GUY.
I REALLY DO.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN BE FRIEND WITH HIM IF HE KEEPS COMPLIMENTING ME ON EVERYTHING I DO, SAY, COOK, WEAR, SIT ON, TOUCH, BREATHE, THINK.
- HEY, COME ON.
SO, LOOK, WE JUST WON'T SEE HIM.
- THAT'S ALL.
- NO! HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.
- COME ON, I WANNA-- - I KNOW.
SO? - SO I WANNA TRY THERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I GOT TOGETHER WITH CHARLIE? YOU KNOW, ON MY OWN? JUST THE TWO OF US, TO TRY TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER? WHADDAYA THINK? - OH, HONEY, I'D LOVE YOU FOR IT.
- OK.
I'M GONNA DO THAT.
YEAH.
- SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU AND CHARLIE ARE GONNA DO? - OH WHAT'LL WE DO? WE'LL GO FOR LUNCH.
WE'LL TALK HAVE A FEW BREWS, PICK UP SOME CHICKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA? - YEAH.
- HI.
- HI.
- OH, BOY, I CAUGHT YOU AT A BAD TIME, RIGHT? YOU'RE GOING OUT TO EXERCISE.
- NO, I FINISHED.
THE EXERCISER'S TRYING TO GET IT OUT OF THE CLOSET.
TOMORROW I PUSH IT BACK IN.
- AHH.
- OH, WOW, DO YOU EVER LOOK TERRIFIC.
- WELL BOY, YOU HAVEN' DRESSED SO GOOD SINCE YOU WENT FOR AN EXTENSION ON YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT.
- WELL, I'M GOING TO LUNCH WITH JOE'S FRIEND, CHARLIE.
AND I CHANGED MY CLOTHES FOUR TIMES ALREADY, BRENDA.
WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO MEE A GUY YOU DON'T LIKE? - YOU'RE ASKING THE WRONG PERSON.
- STOP IT.
- LISTEN, RHO.
IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM, WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING SO MUCH? - WELL, THIS DUMB NEED I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THINGS HEAD ON.
- YOU KNOW, I HAVEN' TOLD YOU HOW I FEL ABOUT CHARLIE, BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WOULD BUM YOU OUT.
- I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU MET HIM.
- YEAH.
I SAW HIM AND JOE COMING OU OF THE ELEVATOR THE OTHER NIGHT, AND HE ACTED JUS LIKE HE DID WITH YOU.
- YEAH.
THE MINUTE HE KNEW I WAS RELATED TO JOE, HE TOLD ME HOW TERRIFIC I WAS, HOW GREAT I WAS DRESSED, WHAT A GREA SENSE OF HUMOR I HAD.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULDN' BELIEVE A WORD HE WAS SAYING.
- SO YOU FEL THE SAME WAY I DID? - I THOUGHT HE WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN I'VE EVER ME IN MY LIFE.
- BUT, BREN, HE'S NO SINCERE ABOUT ANY OF IT.
- WELL, I'D RATHER HAVE AN INSINCERE PERSON SAY NICE THINGS ABOU ME THAN HAVE A SINCERE PERSON SAY THE TRUTH.
- WILL YOU STOP THAT? BRENDA BRENDA, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN FIGHTING TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL, AND NOW SUDDENLY SOMEBODY LIKES ME BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO JOE.
I MEAN, I REMEMBER MEETING MARRIED WOMEN AT PARTIES.
SOMETIMES YOU WOULDN' EVEN HEAR THEIR NAMES.
YOU'D HEAR, "THIS IS MY WIFE.
" AS IN, "THIS IS MY ARM.
" HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE LICKED THAT? HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO BE INDIVIDUALS, YOU KNOW, AND MAKE AN IMPACT ON THEIR OWN? - AND WHAT ABOUT MA? - NOT THAT MUCH OF AN IMPACT.
- EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU ALONE? - YEAH, SOMETIMES.
BUT THEN, AREN'T WE ALL? HA HA.
- NO, I MEAN, DO YOU PLAN TO EAT HERE ALONE? - WHY? CAN'T I EAT HERE ALONE? - LOOK, LADY, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT HERE.
I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE A LO OF LOUD TALK ABOUT WOMEN.
LOTS OF DRINKIN'.
MAYBE SOME ROUGH LANGUAGE.
WOULD YA? - WHY NOT? SOUNDS A LOT LIKE MY BRIDAL SHOWER.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH? YOU DON'T LIKE WOMEN COMING IN HERE UNLESS THEY'RE ESCORTED BY A MAN.
RIGHT? - THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WE PARTICULARLY DON' LIKE THEM COMING IN HERE TRYING TO FIND A MAN TO ESCORT THEM.
- HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE-- - YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE TROUBLE, ARE YA, LADY? - OH, NO.
NO, NO.
LADIES NEVER MAKE TROUBLE.
I FIGURED I'D JUST COME IN, CURTSY AND LEAVE.
- HEY, MR.
BURKE.
- EXCUSE ME.
HEY, JULIE, HI.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY I DIDN' CALL AHEAD AND CLEAR HER.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS WITH YOU, UH - HEY, THE GREATEST OUTFI IN THE WORLD.
- OH, YEAH.
WASH AND WEAR.
TRAVELS GREAT.
- OH, EVEN BETTER.
YOUR TABLE'S NOT READY.
BE A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
- NO SWEAT.
WE'LL WAIT AT THE BAR.
- IF IT'S GOOD, NEXT TIME I BRING ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS.
- I'LL HAVE A SCOTCH AND SODA.
RHODA? - I'LL HAVE A BREW.
- SO, HOW'S THE OLD MAN? - JOE? HE'S FINE.
- YEAH, HE LOOKS GREAT.
YOU'RE REALLY TAKING GOOD CARE OF HIM.
- WELL, WHAT'S A WIFE FOR, RIGHT? - RIGHT.
SAY, I LIKE THAT, UH, WHATCHAMACALLI THERE ON YOUR HEAD.
WHADDAYA CALL THAT? - HAIR.
- HAIR.
HEY, HOW IS IT GOIN' THERE? SO, RHODA, WHA ARE WE DOING HERE? I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT? - OK, CHARLIE.
UHIT'S A LITTLE TOUGH TO GET INTO.
I MEAN, CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE? I MEAN, YOU TALK.
- ME? WHADDAYA MEAN? YOU CALLED THIS MEETING.
I MEAN, I CAN'T JUST STAND HERE AND TALK TO YOU LIKE YOU'RE SOME GIRL I'M TAKING OUT.
- WELL, WHY NOT? - WELL, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
- SURE, YOU CAN.
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THEM THAT'S DIFFEREN THAN YOU WOULD SAY TO ME? - WELL, I'D TELL THEM THINGS ABOUT MY LIFE, YOU KNOW? - WELL? LIKE WHAT? - WELL, LIKE, UH WELL, LIKE WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.
IT WAS CHRISTMAS.
BOY, I WAS REALLY A POOR KID.
WE HAD NO MONEY AT ALL.
ANY PRESENTS WE GOT CAME FROM THE WELFARE WORKER.
HEH.
I GOT A HANKY AND AN ORANGE.
- AW.
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT REALLY IS.
BOY, NOW WHY COULDN' YOU TELL ME THAT? - ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE.
I DON'T WANT TO COME ON TO YOU.
- THAT WAS A COME ON? THAT BEAUTIFUL, THAT TOUCHING STORY WAS A COME ON? - WORKS EVERY TIME.
- TABLE'S READY, MR.
BURKE.
- LISTEN, CHARLIE.
EXCUSE ME.
THAT, UH, THAT STORY, THAT LOVELY STORY YOU JUST TOLD ME, THAT WASN'T TRUE? - WELL, SURE IT WAS TRUE.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
LOTS OF THINGS ARE TRUE, BUT THEY DON'T WORK.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- LOOK, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE HERE.
THE STORY I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT WHEN I WAS 9.
- YEAH? - AND IT WAS CHRISTMAS.
WELL, THE NEXT YEAR, WHEN I WAS 10, MY FATHER HAD A JOB.
WE HAD A TREE.
I GOT A FEW TOYS.
- UH-HUH.
- THAT'S IT, SEE? NOTHING.
- OH, OK.
AHH.
OK, CHARLIE.
I THINK I'M READY TO TALK NOW.
I FEEL THAT YOU AND I HAVE-- I'M NOT READY.
- RHODA? HEY, MAYBE I CAN HELP.
LET ME GO FIRST.
- OH, YEAH, LISTEN, THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
THANK YOU.
- RHODA? I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.
- AHH.
IS THIS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR COME ONS? - WHAT? - OK, YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
GRANTED.
NOW WHY? WHAT IS THERE ABOUT ME THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE? - YOU'RE A WIFE.
- OH, THAT REALLY CLEARS THINGS UP.
- NO, NO, NO, WHAT I MEAN IS, WHY DON'T YOU ACT LIKE A WIFE? - HOW IS A WIFE SUPPOSED TO ACT? - RHODA, I COMPLIMENTED YOU ON YOUR COOKING, ON YOUR CLOTHES, ON THE WAY YOU FIXED UP THE APARTMENT.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY TO EAT IT UP.
DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS? - SURE, I CARE.
BUT I CARE ABOUT OTHER THINGS, AS WELL.
CHARLIE, THERE'S A WHOLE PERSON HERE.
- WELL, I KNOW THAT.
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? - NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
- UNTRUE.
UNTRUE! - UNTRUE? THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME NOW IS THAT I'M JOE'S WIFE.
- AH.
- NOW LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA SETTLE FOR THAT, CHARLIE.
I WANT FOR US TO BE FRIENDS.
- OH, COME ON.
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME IF I WASN' JOE'S FRIEND? - NO.
- WELL, THERE YA ARE.
THE ONLY REASON YOU WAN TO LIKE ME IS BECAUSE I'M JOE'S FRIEND.
- YEAH, SURE.
AND THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT TO LIKE ME IS BECAUSE I'M JOE'S WIFE.
- OK.
I'LL LIKE YOU.
YOU'LL LIKE ME.
WE'LL LIKE EACH OTHER! IT'S SETTLED.
THAT'S IT.
- OK, CHARLIE.
OK, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - EH, MAKE BELIEVE WE LIKE EACH OTHER.
- NO, NO, NO UNTIL WE REALLY DO.
- THAT COULD TAKE YEARS.
- YEAH, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN BEING PHONY WITH EACH OTHER.
- YOU KNOW? I LIKE YOU FOR THAT.
- YOU MEAN IT? - NO.
RHODA, PASS THE SALT.
- GET IT YOURSELF.
- OK, CHARLIE, LISTEN.
I FIGURE I'M GONNA BE MARRIED TO JOE FOR A LONG TIME.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO TRY THIS AGAIN AFTER AWHILE.
- WHAT FOR? - BECAUSE I WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.
- HOW DO WE DO THAT? WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER.
- WE COULD TRY.
- OH, TRY - LISTEN, WHY CAN' WE AT LEAST TRY TO BE REAL FRIENDS? HUH? - HA HA HA.
- WHY NOT? - IF I TOLD YA, YOU'D REALLY HATE ME.
- YEAH? TRY ME.
JUST TRY.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TRY.
I THINK MEN ARE MORE INTERESTING THAN WOMEN.
- OH, COME ON.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- I THINK MEN ARE MORE FUN THAN WOMEN.
- THAT'S A TOTALLY IRRATIONAL STATEMENT.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO ONE FURTHER.
I LIKE MEN BETTER THAN WOMEN! [PLATES CRASHING.]
- THIS IS MY FAVORITE HANGOUT.
I CAN'T COME HERE ANYMORE.
THANKS A LOT, RHODA.