Rick and Morty (2013) s03e01 Episode Script

The Rickshank Redemption

1 Rick: Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place.
Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story.
I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.
Oh, come on.
Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's? Dad, it's great to have you back, no matter where we are, but wouldn't you like to go home? Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney's is my home.
Yeah, but you just got out of prison.
I mean, how much of a step up from that is -- Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times.
You got it.
[ Grunting .]
Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect [bleep.]
didn't think I was worth your best equipment? [ Chuckles .]
Man, I told the money bugs.
I said, "You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer.
" Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain.
Oh, I think you do.
Eventually, you're either gonna relax your cerebellum Shoney's.
or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush.
[ Farts .]
Relaxed enough? [ Chuckles .]
I admire you, Rick.
[ Farts .]
[ Laughs .]
When I -- [ Farts .]
[ Laughs .]
Rick, here's -- [ Farts .]
[ Laughs .]
What's going on? It's hard to tell.
He may have manifested some sort of butt.
He can do that? He is the smartest man in the universe.
[ Sighs .]
I tell ya, the Galactic Federation taking over Earth -- best thing that's ever happened to this family.
I just got my sixth promotion this week, and I still don't know what I do.
Who cares how high they promote you? Everyone just gets paid in pills.
Well, when you're not sure what you do for a living, youcan make your own rules.
Summer, show your father some respect.
He's pulling down a six-chewable figure income.
[ Bottle shatters .]
I'll get that in a moment.
How are everyone's pills? Oh, Morty, you've hardly touched your pills.
I kind of had big pills for lunch, and I [muffled.]
wasn't gonna eat any more pills.
[ Gulps .]
Thank you, Conroy.
You spoil us, Conroy.
Grandpa Rick wouldn't put up with this! Stop saying his name! He abandoned us.
Willem Dafoe! Th-That's the guy I couldn't think of this morning.
Don't make my mistake, Summer.
Don't deify the people that leave you.
You'll end up a horse surgeon in a world controlled by aliens whose medicine keeps horses [sobs.]
healthy forever.
[ Sniffles .]
Horses live longer than tortoises now.
Is that what you want for yourself? Maybe I just want you to care if I run away yelling! Who saved room for pill brûlée? Ooh! [ Chuckles .]
I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum.
So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's.
But admit it, Rick -- you're going crazy cooped up in here.
Let's go visit some memories.
Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? [ Squeals .]
Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching.
Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? It's arousal.
Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.
Yeah, well, tough titties.
[ Rumbling .]
There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.
Well, that depends on who breaks first -- me or the titty.
Someone special you remember? Is that your memory of her out there -- between where you were on 9/11 and your favorite sports blooper? [ Whooshing .]
If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories.
If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she? The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her.
Oh, that sounds cool.
I can get what I want and you can say goodbye.
[ Sighs .]
Fine, but I'm driving.
as an excuse to strip away our freedom.
Huh? What are you -- What are you doing? Grandpa Rick must have some secret lab, right? With, like, laser guns and jets packs and a space tank! And we can go break him out of prison! Look at these dead flies! Maybe if we arrange them in a certain order, it plays a hologram or it opens a secret door.
Summer, you're freaking me out.
I know things have changed a lot, and I know you miss Rick, but getting him back wouldn't make things better.
And, you know, we're not doing so bad.
We're miserable, Morty! There's a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they weaponized the Eiffel Tower! Hey, I like being 35.
I-I can rent a car now.
Because you suck.
You've been keeping your lip zipped about it since Grandpa got arrested, but the fact is, you're freaking stoked to bail on him.
He bails on everybody! He bailed on Mom when she was a kid! He -- He bailed on tiny planet! And in case I never made this clear to you, Summer, he bailed on you.
He left you to rot in a world that he ruined because he doesn't care! Because nobody's special to him, Summer, not even himself.
So, if you really want your grandpa back, grab a shovel.
The one that won't let you down is buried in your backyard! You're right! What?! No, I'm not right.
I-I was using ghoulish overkill! Ghoulish overkill, Summer! [ Summer grunting .]
[ Thunder crashes .]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Whoa, whoa! [ Thunder crashes .]
Where are we going? To the day it all began and ended.
The moment that changed everything.
Welcome to McDonald's.
Can I take your order? Yeah, I'd like to get a 10-piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce.
Like, as much as you're allowed to give me.
In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film "Mulan," where they -- where they -- they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it's delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it's gone.
This is the only place we're gonna be able to try it, is in my memory.
Rick, you're doing this bit while your brain is melting.
All right, all right.
Is that Me.
I used to wear blue pants.
When'd you make the leap to interdimensional travel? I didn't.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't us.
You know the worst part about inventing teleportation? Suddenly, you're able to travel the whole galaxy, and the first thing you learn is, you're the last guy to invent teleportation.
Fortunately, you're about to invent something much more powerful.
[ Squeals .]
What? [ Thunder crashes .]
Summer, nobody has to know about that.
We could put it right back and pretend we never saw it, like we did with Dad's mannequin leg.
Fine, stay here.
I'll rescue Grandpa myself.
And how are you gonna do that? I don't know yet.
I'll make it up as I go.
That's what Grandpa Rick does.
That's what heroes do.
Y-You want to see what a hero Rick is? I-I'll bring you somewhere, Summer.
Um My goodness, children.
[ Sternly .]
Relinquish the illegal technology to the nearest Federation representative.
[ Normal voice .]
And then we'll all play Balderdash.
[ Both whimper, scream .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Farting .]
[ Grunts .]
Oh, my goodness! Oh, oh! My goo-- [ Crackling .]
Oh, my God.
I have that exact same top.
What is this place? And what's with "Hunger Games" Summer? That's my sister.
This used to be my home.
Imagine doing anything you want, then hopping to a timeline where you never did it.
Imagine going anywhere, anytime, with nobody able to stop you.
Sounds lonely.
Lonely? Dude, you have yourself -- your infinite selves.
It's a nonstop party where all the guests are the only person we like.
You think it's cool being the smartest man on Earth, but once we give you this technology, you become the smartest thing in every conceivable universe -- the Infinite Rick, a god.
Eh, pass.
Excuse me? Bro, Ricks don't pass on this.
Who do you think you are? A different kind of Rick, I guess.
Well, we'll see how long that lasts.
I heard sci-fi noises.
Did you make a breakthrough? Sort of.
I just took a long look at myself, and I don't think this science thing is gonna pay off.
Well, why don't I get Beth and we'll go out for ice cream? That, Dianne, is the last great idea that will ever be had in this garage.
[ Munching loudly .]
Good roasted Cronenberg, I assume.
Mom, you're looking feral.
I can't believe Rick did this.
These are the parts of Rick's adventures you don't get to see -- the parts he leaves behind.
All right, it's been great, guys.
I really only wanted to stop by here for a quick "I told ya so.
" So, uh Looking for this? What are you doing with that?! It stinks of Rick.
[ Grunts .]
No! Why?! Why would you do that?! W-W-What is the matter with you people?! You can never leave.
She cannot remain.
She stinks of Rick.
[ All scream .]
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I'm Morty C-137.
We detected a compromised portal gun.
Where is your Rick? He's in prison.
He got captured by the Federation and we were going to rescue him.
Very troubling.
We can't risk Citadel secrets falling into the Federation's hands.
We'll dispatch S.
Team Ricks immediately to break into the prison holding C-137.
And assassinate him.
Boo-nah? [ Horn honks .]
Come on, girls! The ice cream's gonna melt.
[ Munching .]
[ Whooshing .]
[ Beeping .]
Nooooooo! Wow.
This sauce is [bleep.]
You said it was promoting a movie? [ Slurping .]
Carry the three, add a two.
I got it.
I [bleep.]
got it.
I-Is that it, the portal gun? Yeah.
That's the three lines of math that separates my life as a man from my life as an unfeeling ghost.
[ Whirring .]
Mission Control, you getting this? Holy shit, yes! Yes, we got it! Yeah! Thanks, Rick.
I'll try to remember to shut off the brainalyzer.
Actually, I think it shuts off automatically once your brain is liquid.
Don't know, don't care.
Pull me out.
Hey, pull me out.
Can you hear me? Nope, they cannot.
Why not? Because the code you just uploaded wasn't actually my portal-gun formula, it was a virus giving me full control over the brainalyzer.
What are you talking about? This is a memory.
Y-You can't alter details of a memory.
True, but you can alter anything you want about a totally fabricated origin story.
It's a trap! Abort! I'm still in his Shoney's! Repeat -- we never left his Shoney's! Mission accomplished, boys.
Pull me out.
Roger that.
Okay, have fun in what's left of my brain.
I'm gonna transfer to yours.
Oh, there's not enough room for all my genius, so I'm leaving you with my fear of wicker furniture, my desire to play the trumpet, my tentative plans to purchase a hat, and six years of improv workshops.
Comedy comes in threes.
It's a trap! Abort! We never left his -- [ Farts .]
[ Laughs .]
No! Another day, another dollar.
Am I great insect creature or what?! Congratulations, Agent.
You'll be highly commended for this.
Always wait for permission to [burps.]
feel accomplishment.
That's my motto.
One thing still perplexes me -- why would Rick Sanchez turn himself in? Well, I'm just a dumb-ass bug, but it's possible Rick knew he'd be interrogated at this facility, where we not only keep our most wanted, but our most sensitive data.
Anyone here with level-nine access could [burps.]
I don't know, collapse a government.
I'm just gonna go take a dump.
Is it cool if I use the level-nine bathroom? W-W-What's the level-nine master access code again? Oh, that's easy -- 8-3 Yeah! S.
Team Ricks in the house! [ Screaming .]
Hi, Rick.
Bye, Rick.
D-99, y-you okay? [ Grunting .]
I'm bummed I didn't get to give that insect dick a test-drive.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! T-The Council of Ricks sent us.
We have your Morty and Summer.
They're prisoners on the Citadel.
Great! [ Grunts .]
Security breach in room 6755.
Not only is my plan screwed up, I also forgot how to improvise.
All security people approach.
[ Grunts .]
Security breach.
A city of Grandpas? Morty: It's the Citadel of Ricks.
All the different Ricks from all the different realities got together to hide here from the government.
But if every Rick hates the government, why would they hate Grandpa? Because Ricks hate themselves the most.
And our Rick is the mosthimself.
Not anymore, homey.
Team Ricks turned his unibrow into two brows -- with a bullet.
[ Laughter .]
Your Rick's dead! Your Rick's dead! Sir, Rick D-99 is returning from the mission alone.
Apparently, S.
Team Ricks suffered heavy casualties.
Bring him in.
He says he'll only talk to a Rick with higher clearance.
Give me that.
D-99, this is the commander in chief of the Citadel's militia.
-- good enough.
He's a spy.
Blow him up.
I'm gonna go take a shit.
Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick.
How do you plead? How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty.
It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer.
We just keep him here because he's fun.
Look at him go.
[ Laughs .]
Ha ha, yeah! We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick.
What say you, Summer? I say [bleep.]
you! My grandpa was my hero.
You killed him because you were jealous of him.
That's pretty obvious from the haircuts.
So do what you want to me, but let my brother go.
He already renounced Rick.
Morty? [ Whispers indistinctly .]
What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection.
I don't renounce Rick, and I never have.
I was just trying to protect my sister.
I wanted you to have a normal life.
That's something you can't have when Rick shows up.
Everything real turns fake.
Everything right is wrong.
All you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything.
And, well -- well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero.
He's more like a demon or a super [bleep.]
up god.
Let's not suck the ghost of his [bleep.]
too hard.
He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.
Oh, yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive.
And if you think you're safe, he's coming for you! [ All grumbling .]
[ Whistling .]
Hey, whoa, whoa! What are you doing in here? This area's for teleporting the entire Citadel to somewhere else using only buttons and dials.
Yeah, well, it's a bad idea to have it designed that way then, isn't it? [ Whirring .]
[ Screaming .]
What the [bleep.]
We just teleported into a galactic federal prison.
I'm gonna go take a shit.
[ Alarm blaring .]
Lawyer Morty: Order in the court! Whoa! What the hell?! Oh, my God! [ Screaming .]
Wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no! Whoa! [ Screaming .]
Whoa! The Citadel's been teleported to [burps.]
Federation space.
It's doomed.
This has to be C-137, you guys.
What are we gonna do?! You know he's coming for us.
All right, calm down! We have his Summer as a hostage.
Obviously, I get her.
You guys play Rick, Laser, Scissors for the Morty.
W-W-What the hell is that? Payback.
[ Screaming .]
Grandpa Rick! Duh! You're alive! Rick! Morty, take this.
You're gonna need it later.
Hold on, hold on.
Whoa! Council Member: That's enough, Rick.
What -- What's this supposed to accomplish? We have infinite grandkids.
You're trying to use Disney bucks at a Caesar's Palace here.
That's a bluff.
He's bluffing, sir.
He loves me.
You're a rogue Rick -- irrational, passionate.
You love your grandkids.
You came to rescue them.
I came to kill you, bro.
That's not even my original Summer.
Oh, my God.
He's not bluffing.
He's not bluffing! R-Rick? Why not shoot through her? 20 yards, nine-gauge plasma pistol, My first shot would liquify her insides and injure you, second shot adds recoil.
The risk to me is minimized if I wait for you to shoot her, which I'm encouraging you to do.
What the [bleep.]
Or let her go, which I will reward with a quicker death.
Because you love her! Because it's incentive for you to give me my cleanest shot, which will be your least painful death.
But if you want to die slower than that, I'm super into it.
All you got to do to get that started is kill the girl.
I hate you! Not an issue, sweetie.
That's enough! Drop the gun, Rick! Morty, I know you're too stupid to get this, but you're really [bleep.]
this up right now.
I'm not letting you let my sister die! Drop the gun! I wasn't gonna let her die, you [bleep.]
moron! Ha! Aww.
The point is hethought I was going to.
I totally did, by the way.
You're a [bleep.]
moron, Morty.
Morty, you [bleep.]
idiot! You're a serious [bleep.]
idiot, Morty! You basically killed us all! You're the worst! You're as dumb as a bag of sand.
[ All yelling .]
[ Screaming .]
Who's stupid now, bitch?! Morty, we just got him back! [ Laughs .]
That was amazing, Morty.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let's wrap this Good job, Morty.
Let's go, kids.
What?! What happened? Oldest Rick trick in the book.
"Fake gun, shoot me in standoff.
" Brilliant.
Ha, yeah.
G-Good thing I saw that note.
Can't we just portal home? Not until I finish what I started.
And that is how you get level-nine access without a password.
Freeze! Employee of the month, ladies and gentlemen.
So, what are you doing with level-nine access anyways? Destroying the [burps.]
galactic government.
Awesome! Whoa, cool! Are you going to set all their nukes to target each other? Ooh, or -- or reprogram their military portals to disintegrate their entire space fleet? Good pitches, kids.
I'm almost proud.
But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.
President, the Blemflarck's value just dropped to nothing.
What do you mean? I mean, our single centralized galactic currency just went from being worth one of itself to zero of itself.
[ Panicked murmuring .]
Calm down, people.
Deploy the galactic militia and declare martial law.
Yes, sir.
Uh, what should I pay them with? Their payment is the honor they'll feel to serve their -- Wait.
Who's paying me to yell at this guy? I can answer that -- for money.
I never thought I'd live to see this day.
[ Panicked murmuring .]
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen! There's a solution here you're not seeing.
Give me your jacket! Give me those pants! [ Indistinct shouting .]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
Insectoid Employee: There's no rich people or poor people! I want more jackets! He who controls the pants controls the galaxy! [ Whimpering .]
[ Gasps .]
[ Whimpering .]
No longer will the insects have domain over surface world! [ Whimpering .]
Jerry, what the hell is happening?! The galactic government collapsed.
Are you okay? Look, I-I'm not proud to share this, but the truth is, I just kept crawling, and it kept working.
[ Gasps .]
Oh, I'm glad you're okay.
Are we ever going to stop paying for indulging your father? Our children, our planet, our jobs? Is there anything left to lose? Just each other, and I'll never let you go.
And I'm so sorry I ever did this to us.
Guess who dismantled the government? Please don't leave me again.
I never will, baby.
I was right.
He turned himself in on purpose.
It was all part of his plan! Jerry, is there any light beer left? It's insane what you miss in prison.
No, no, no.
Foot down time.
No, you're right.
Where's the vodka? Beth, it's him or me! Seems like you guys need some privacy.
I'll, uh -- I'll be in the garage.
What the [bleep.]
Not cool, Jerry! A man's garage is his castle.
[ Beeps .]
Jerry's going to spend some time divorced.
Oh, I-I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie.
I hope I had nothing to do with that.
Oh, God, Dad, that is not your burden to bear.
I feel terrible that I misjudged you.
This is gonna be good for Jerry.
For everybody.
For everybody.
[ Text whooshes .]
I better tend to Jerry before he changes his mind and doesn't move out.
I will leave you two to your adventures.
Oh, my God.
Nancy says they're drawing and quartering aliens in the school courtyard, and it technically counts as patriotism.
Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my -- Not so fast, Morty.
You heard your mom.
We've got adventures to go on, Morty -- just you and me -- and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad.
You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Okay, take it easy, Rick.
T-T-That's dark.
Oh, it gets darker, Morty.
Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures.
First thing that's different -- no more Dad, Morty.
Oh, geez.
He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away.
Oh [bleep.]
I've rep[burps.]
laced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe.
Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home Oh, man.
without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you.
Oh! I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom Oh, man.
or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, You're gonna deny it.
and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty.
And now you're gonna have to go Oh.
and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll -- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that "Mulan" Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty.
What are you talking about? Because that's -- that's what this is all about, Morty.
Szechuan? That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake.
I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce.
McNuggets? I want that "Mulan" McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty.
What the hell? If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty.
What are you talking about, Rick? That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty.
What are you talking about?! Season -- Nine more seasons, Morty.
Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce.
What is that?! For 97 more years, Morty! What are you talking about?! I want that McNugget sauce, Morty! Is it ready? Yes.
We can bring it online now.
Do it.
I am Phoenix Person.
Phoenix Person? Is that what we settled on? I thought we all agreed on Cyber Bird.
You said you didn't care what he was called as long as we brought him back.
Yeah, but Phoenix Person? Fine [bleep.]
Who cares? [ Grunts .]
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