Rob Beckett's Playing for Time (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 01

1 This programme contains strong language.
MUSIC: We Built This City by Starship NARRATOR: This is Rob Beckett, and his life is about to change forever.
DOORBELL Mr Beckett? Howdo you know my name? It's on the package.
Oh! I wasn't expecting anything.
Sign here, please.
And this is Peggy.
She's not a courier.
She's from the future.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And so is this console.
What the? Pretty cool, right? What? Who are you? What's going on? This, Rob, will allow you to play the greatest video games ever created, transporting you back in time to the year of their release.
That seems excessive.
Not only that, Rob, but Peggy will be leading you through a series of video game challenges as you make your way back to 2018.
I ain't doing that.
Yeah, you are.
I'll see you later.
Wait! Oh, no.
And so began our hero's adventures through time.
His mission, with Peggy's help, to play his way to the present day.
AAARRRGH! Yes, here we go, Peggy! What year are we in? Welcome to 1982, Rob.
I was wondering when you were going to get here.
And what am I? You are a New Romantic.
Do you like it? I feel like a sort of, erm, sexy pirate.
You do look like a pirate, yeah.
A sexy pirate? A pirate.
Yeah, OK.
Well, we'll work on that.
Can I have a look around? Am I allowed to touch things? Yeah, familiarise yourself with the time.
Oh, hello.
All this stuff A vinyl.
See, I'm learning.
Well done, well done.
I don't know what this one is, though.
What's that? What does it say on it, Rob? Oh, yeah, it says View-Master.
View-Master, the clue's in the title.
Oh, hello.
This one ain't got trousers on.
He looks happy with it.
Maybe you should stop messing about with that.
It looks like it's got a face on it.
I've not seen them go that big.
You should put that down now, we need to crack on.
Look at it! Rob, pack it in.
It's bending! Pack it in, you're going to break it.
But why is it bending? It's not part of your quest.
Come and sit down on the sofa now, please.
Sorry, Peggy.
Now I just get excited.
Now, I couldn't allow you to face this time-travelling malarkey without a companion, so I've arranged for Gogglebox legend Scarlett Moffatt to join you.
Scarlett! Yes! Thank you for helping me.
Look at you! Do you like it? I'm loving the mullet.
Is it a mullet? I've not seen it yet.
You really suit it.
Oh, hello, it goes round there! I mean, it's a strong look for you as well.
Would you introduce any of this into your modern-day outfit? Absolutely not.
No Nothing.
Definitely not.
What's THAT bad boy? That's a VHS player.
You need two people to carry that in.
I've never seen a telly like that in real life before.
This is an '80s telly.
It's weird, innit? Welcome, Scarlett.
My name's Peggy, I'll be guiding you back to the present day.
Now, the only way that we can achieve that is for you to complete an iconic video game challenge in each year that you find yourself.
Have you got any questions? What year is it? Er, yeah, it's '82, isn't it? Yes, you've found yourself in 1982.
Do you want to know what's going on in the world? Yes, please, Peggy.
Thatcher is the Prime Minister, Reagan is the President and Time magazine have named the personal computer as their 1982 Man of the Year.
Man of the Year? Oh Oh WhatPeggy So sexist! What happened to gender fluidity? It hasn't been invented yet.
Well, what am I?! You can't get much more gender-fluid than this, I'm covered in the stuff, Peg! You're soaked! I'm soaked, I'm satu I'm wet through in gender fluid! Anyway, it's time for you to take on the greatest video game heroes in history.
You could be Donkey Kong Jr - an ape on a mission to rescue his father from the evil clutches of Mario.
It's a bit lo-fi, though, isn't it? Or there's Q'Bert, where you're a weird creature who has to change the colour of some cubes while avoiding snakes.
It's a bit like painting by numbers but with, you know, more snakes.
The game that you'll be playing is perhaps the most famous game of all time - Pac-Man.
Yes! Classic, yes.
Oh, I love Pac-Man! Pac-Man is like a budget emoji who feasts on Pac-dots while being chased around a maze by ghosts.
You must try and clear the screen of Pac-dots while avoiding the ghosts and not losing all of your lives.
Because of your weak wrists, Rob, I've provided you with a modern controller.
Fair enough.
That's Are you into computer games? Well, I was when I was younger.
Like, old-school ones like Pac-Man.
I like Crash Bandicoot.
Tekken 3.
IN GEORDIE ACCENT: Te-kken? I've never heard anyone say it Tekken 3, where you, like, were a street fighter.
Didn't really have a lot of friends, though.
People in books and Sonic the Hedgehog were my mates.
People in books? Now People in books? Scarlett, you're up first.
Are you ready to play? Yes.
Off you go.
Let's do this.
Come on, Scarlett.
I'm so excited! Here we go.
Go on, Player.
Are you any good at this? I don't know, we're going to find out! What do they call it in Newcastle - Pac-Man, man? Howay, man, let's gan play Pac-Man, man! HE LAUGHS These old games are hard.
I think they made it hard so they didn't have to, like, make a second level.
You just play this forever.
Have you ever seen a ghost? No, right, but Ergh! Ah! Ah! No! SHE SCREAMS NOOO! You play so passionately! Oh, my God! That's so intense! Sorry.
No, but do you know what I always think about ghosts? What's that? Why do you never see a ghost in just jeans and a T-shirt? Why are there never ghosts from, like, the '80s or '90s? They're always from Victorian times, aren't they? HE LAUGHS Aren't they, though? Says us, wearing this! Right, I can get them now.
Get them! I don't It just 200 points.
stresses me out when they turn to ghosts because I feel like I have to chase them.
It's when, now There, when they start flashing.
That's it.
You shit your pants.
It's squeaky-bum time when they start flashing.
I want to hide in the jail bit in the middle.
Ah! Oh Oh! Oh! I thought it was blue! Look, blue! What are you doing? I thought it was a blue ghost! No! It looked like a blue ghost! No! They all have to be blue.
Right, come on, Scarlett.
I can't You can't, you can't do it.
It's not going up! There we go.
It's quite simple, though, isn't it? Hang on, hang on.
Why is one of the Why is the cherries there? Yeah, why do they have the cherries? Is that extra points? Maybes.
I don't think I'm in the game for points when I've got five weird little ghosts chasing me.
I do love Pac-Man What is happening down here? What am I doing here? Come on.
That's it, oh! No! Oh Blocked him, the little fuckers! Oh, I hate THEY BOTH LAUGH Oh, it's so stressful! Game over! I'm actually stressed! I'm sweating! I'm sweating through my sweatband! Oh, that's really hard.
It is hard.
Oh, dear, you totally screwed that one up.
But don't worry, you can complete your own Pac-Man-inspired challenge to still make it through to the next decade.
Here's what you have to do.
Rob, you must consume ten Pac-dots in the allotted time to make it through to the next decade.
But, to make it more exciting, Scarlett must throw them into your mouth from the other side of this plinth.
Uh It shouldn't be that hard, Scarlett, Rob's mouth isn't exactly the smallest target.
Oh! Right, your time starts now.
Oh, OK.
Now, now, now! Are you a good throw? No! OK.
Oh, my God, that's SHE LAUGHS Yeah, yay! Sorry One.
Open your mouth more.
Loop it a bit, loop it.
Yes! Two.
OK, I've got it now, it's all in the wrist action.
You've got three.
Oh! Keep them going! Four.
Are you all right?! I think it went straight through! Are you all right? Right, here we go.
Ready? Yeah.
You're out of breath.
How are you My eyes are watering.
Because I'm choking to death, Scarlett! It's in the throat! Right.
There we go! How many? How many have we got now? I don't know.
Yes! Come on! Ten.
Congratulations, you've won the challenge.
You're through to the next decade.
Yeah! Rob and Scarlett have finally taken a leap into the future, but how will they cope in the '90s and beyond? NARRATOR: Scarlett Moffatt is by Rob's side on his latest adventure through time.
They're taking on the greatest gaming heroes in history.
Howay, man, let's gan play Pac-Man, man! As they journey back to the present day, will they make it home? BOTH: Yes! Here we are.
What the fuck has happened to your hair? SHE LAUGHS Is it bad? Oh, my God! Oh, is it really bad? It's SHE CRACKS UP I feel smelly.
Do I look smelly? You look like a murderer! This is cool, your outfit, though.
Is it? Yeah.
What Green Converse, and Oh, Blockbusters! Welcome to 1992.
Oh, '92! I love being in the '90s, look at all this stuff! So cool! What's that fish on the wall? That's a Big Mouth Billy Bass.
It was an ornamental singing fish, it was very popular in the '90s.
Wow, what a time.
What a time to be alive! I've got a picture of you at about that time.
Aw! Very cute.
Absolute frog-head.
Actually, that's a good haircut for me, because my dad used to cut my fringe and my mam said, one school photo, she's thrown it out now, it was like he'd cut it and then obviously it went wonky, so then he just kept cutting it and cutting it until I had a fringe this big! Rob, we've actually also got a picture of you.
Oh, really? Yep, that's me.
Aww, you're so Look at that, those glasses haven't helped, have they? The reason I've got my mouth shut is because I had these two front teeth at, like, five, and then my head just grew bigger.
So, I had these massive teeth then, that's why I used to cover them up because I was insecure about them.
I was like But I could eat an apple through a letterbox with my teeth, I wouldn't worry about it.
What did you want to be when you was growing up, then? I always wanted to be a bus driver.
A bus driver? Yeah.
Why? I just, like, loved the magic of a bus.
Like, isn't it wonderful when you go on the top deck and I don't know, you just feel king of the road.
Really? I can't actually drive, I've took my test 13 times.
13? Yeah.
I get so panicky.
Really? One time they had to pull us over and put all the air-con on because I was sweating that much.
I was proper like I'd only just set off.
Rob, what are your memories of the '90s? Ooh At primary school Yeah? .
this happened to me at six, right, the teacher said to me, "Oh, where do we begin with Robert? "He's never going to be a high flyer, is he?" Shut up! I swear on my life! Well, look at you now! Exactly, and I'm sat on a sofa playing computer games looking like a murderer.
Now, here's what's going on.
Charles and Di have separated, John Major is now in Number Ten.
And, in China, Ronald McDonald has opened his biggest restaurant over in Beijing.
He don't mess about, that clown, does he? My mum was the second person ever in the UK to have a McDonald's.
Shut up! Swear on my life! Oh, my God, that's amazing! First one opened in Woolwich, my mum was there on opening day, and then Daley Thompson opened it, he cut the ribbon.
Yeah? He got the first one, my mum was second.
Oh, my That is impressive.
And it was such a big deal back in the day because my dad said that when it first come out, he was like, his mate went, "Oh, you'll never guess, "you can just buy this burger and then "you can just take it in the street and eat it.
" Oh, my Yeah! Cos it didn't happen.
Crazy times.
THEY LAUGH OK, Rob and Scarlett, the '90s was packed with gaming heroes.
You could be trying to save the world in nonstop shoot-fest Duke Nukem.
Duke is the classic action hero - big muscles, big weapons and a tiny, tiny vest.
Or you could be playing Spyro the Dragon.
He's a little bit different becausehe is a dragon, and also because his world is a colourful, magical kingdom.
Still more realistic than Duke Nukem wearing a tiny child's vest, though.
1992 saw a whole host of gaming legends gathered together and that's why you're playing Super Mario Kart.
Have you ever played that one before? Yes.
Oh, I love I still play this! It's a classic! Yeah! Yes, Peggy, we're excited! It does give you some unrealistic ideas about go-karting.
I've never met a dinosaur with a driver's license.
Now, in this challenge, all one of you must do is win the race.
Is that understood? BOTH: Yes.
We're confident.
Well, that's reassuring.
Hard work, isn't she? Yeah.
I can hear you, Rob.
OK, sorry.
Now, you ready to play? Yes.
Off you go.
Let's do this, come on, Scarlett.
So, I'm Mario.
I'm Princess.
You're Princess Peach.
You're Mario.
The brightest computer game known to man.
I actually think the graphics are amazing.
Let's do this.
Oh, no, I'm banging into everyone.
Oh, God, it's like one of your driving tests.
Oh, no, I've stopped! Oh Where am I going?! You would be the most terrifying bus driver of all time! "Where am I going, man?!" Where am I going? "Where's the stop, man?!" It's quite hard, though, isn't it? The steering's difficult.
You're doing dad steering! You know when dads play computer games? "Oh, no, oh, God.
" I do I used to play this with my brothers a lot, multiplayer, when I was little.
Aw, did you? I just had to play with myself! SHE LAUGHS Pardon? You've turned into a different person now you've got that pervert hair.
That wig! Here we go, right.
I'm absolutely dominating this, I'm in the lead.
What am I? What am I? You're fourth, fifth.
Yes! Yes! Get it, Scarlett! Get back! Good work.
Are you allowed to go on the brown bits? You are, but you'll go slower.
The graphics are still pretty good, to say it's old school.
It's not bad.
It's very bright, isn't it? Like a kid's has done colouring in.
No, but I like that, I like all the technicolour.
Technicolour! Here we go, last lap.
Come on, come on.
We can do this.
We can, yeah.
Oh, no, I'm fourth there! Oh, no! No! No! THEY SHOUT AND SCREAM I'm going the wrong way! I was so close! I was fourth! Keep going! Come on.
Come on! Come on! Here we go, yes! I've done it! Yes! Yeah! Oh! That took longer than normal.
What year are we in, Peg? Welcome to 2018.
Though, given the decor, it could be anywhere between 1957 and the present day.
It looks complicated but it's all about a few vintage pieces with pops of colour just to bring the room alive.
Oh, OK, thanks, Peggy! Er, what happened to the noughties? I was worried this might happen.
We went to the noughties, it was brilliant, we had a great time.
Let's remember what happened and demonstrate the passage of time with a cool flashback scene - queue the track.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS There were heroes a-go-go in the noughties.
You played Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, where Nathan Drake showed his ancestor Sir Francis what 21st century treasure hunting looks like.
Though I'm not sure Sir Francis would approve of throwing grenades so close to ancient artefacts.
Next up was Spider-Man 2, which saw Peter Parker back helping New Yorkers.
Though the game attempted to recreate the thrilling chases and acrobatic fight scenes from the hit movie, you ultimately spent more time making pizza deliveries than fighting crime.
But my favourite hero of that era was Lara Croft who, by the late noughties, had come quite a long way since making polygon sexy in 1996.
You played 2009's much sleeker Tomb Raider: Legend, where Lara went freediving, squeezed through tight gaps and fought leopards all without breaking a sweat or dirtying her outfit.
What a legend.
You're right, the noughties were brilliant.
A lot better than the other places you've sent me, Peggy.
Neil! Oi, Neil, you big, bouncing bastard! Come back, it's freezing up here! He's a nightmare, Buzz, isn't he? Never boring, is it, Peg? I aim to please, Robert.
Anyway, welcome to the present day.
What are you guys planning to do when you get out of here? What are you up to, Scarlett? I think I might just go and get some food.
I think she sort of means with your career and jobs coming up.
Oh, right! WellI've got Saturday Night Takeaway.
And then I'm just hoping that other people give me jobs.
Aren't we all? Maybe the bus driving might work out, pass your test, 14th time lucky.
But I'd like to drive the bus from the top deck.
I know you can't do that.
That's a pipe dream.
But that would be the dream.
OK, now, Scarlett and Rob, if you want to get back to your real lives, you've still got one more game to play.
It's The Last Of Us.
Have you ever played it before? Oh, yeah, I've played this one.
I love a zombie.
Really? Like, me and my dad have organised our zombie .
if there was a zombie apocalypse, what we would do.
Oh, right.
In the attic, he has actually got precautions, I'm not even taking the piss.
What's he got in there? His old welding masks.
I don't know why we need them but just in case we do.
In case you need to weld some zombies to death! Yeah, and we already know that we're leaving my mam behind.
Brutal! She'd be no good.
Why? And she even admits it.
She's slow.
She's asthmatic.
I'm not holding that against her, but if she's puffing on her inhaler every 2 seconds, it's slowing us down.
My little sister can come along, though.
Oh, that's nice of you.
Is she not asthmatic? No, she's fine.
Breathing-wise, that's good.
Have you got plans for the zombie apocalypse, Rob? Yeah.
I used to work at Marks & Spencer's in Eltham and I know all the layout upstairs, so I couldthere'd be a lot of food in there and I could sort of hang out.
And really nice food as well, not even like .
cheap shit.
I don't want to start doing adverts, but if I had to choose between a Netto and a Mark's, I know where I'm going for supplies.
Anyway, The Last Of Us features one of the greatest heroes of modern gaming, Joel, who must navigate the zombie-ridden lands of America while protecting a 14-year-old girl, Ellie.
In this almost impossible mission, you must control Joel as he helps his mate Bill push a truck down a hill while being attacked by horrific zombies.
You each get to have a go at this, OK? OK.
Just try and not get your face bitten off.
All right, OK.
Scarlett, you can go first.
Are you ready? Yes.
Off you go.
Let's do this.
Come on, Scarlett.
This might be a true reflection of how I really would be if there was a zombie apocalypse.
Here we go.
Come on.
Get behind the van, got to push the van.
Oh! No, hang on, he's Oh, oh, oh! Nice little bit of moonwalking, there! I can't even get behind the van! It's like your driving test all over again! Oh, no! That's it.
Why is there so many driving games? You're doing well.
It's good graphics, though, isn't it? No, but I'm scared Right, there's some zombies.
Now, shoot them! What do I do?! Come on, shoot! What? How?! With the right button! That's it! Shoot, shoot! Fire, no! I'm trying! Get off! Get off! Press square! Press square! Quick That's it! I'm just I'm just battering No! Triangle, press triangle! Get off! No! I've been eaten already! I've been eaten already! Oh, my God! Right, OK You've got to do it, you've got to do it, Rob.
Right, come on.
There's a zombie, there's a zombie! Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him! Shoot him! I'm going to punch him in the head.
Punch him.
This is quite violent, isn't it? It is, yeah.
I'm really getting into it! Oh! Ah! Do you know what I always wonder, who cuts the grass during zombie apocalypses? I've got a lot on my plate here, Scarlett, to answer that question.
Sorry! I don't know who cuts the grass, I'm afraid.
It's always trimmed.
It is lovely, isn't it? I don't know how that's what you're getting out of this Get him! There we go, right You're doing it.
Tell me if you see any more zombies.
I'll keep my eyeballs out.
All right! Yes, there's one there! Ah! He's really fast! Right Oh Bloody hell.
Oh, cheers, Bill.
I thought zombies were meant to be slow! Oh, Bill's sorted that one out, there we go.
Ah! Right, oh Ah! Yes! Let's do this! Ah! Oh, no.
Oh, she's missing half her head! Get her! Shit, shit! Right, here we go, has she gone? Think she's gone.
Yes! Go on, Bill! Come on! Let's run off with this 14-year-old girl! That's absolutely fine, isn't it? Get She's in the van.
She's in the van! She's in the van! Right, let's go! Is there another one coming? Here we go.
Yeah, by the tree.
Where is it? They're like Mo Farah! How fast are they? I've run out of battery! Battery?! Bullets! Bullets! Come on! You'll have to punch them to death.
I can't punch them to death.
There, get the gun! Ah! Ugh! Oh, my God! Oh! Rob, what is happening?! Get off! I can't get off! Get off of him! Run away! Run away! Run, run! If in doubt, run away! Right, I need some more bullets.
Where do you get the bullets from? Back of this van, that's quite lucky they're there, isn't it? I'll have that Run! Oh, God.
Oh, you'vereally poor health now.
I know.
Really poor health.
Oh, God.
That's it, that's it, stab them.
It's like the back of the marathon, with all the ones dressed up.
SCARLETT LAUGHS It's when they, like, put their teeth out.
You'd make a good zombie.
Leave it out! Sorry.
No, but if you've got to bite people to death, you'd be a hell of a zombie! Yeah Oh, God.
OK, I Is that a compliment? Yeah! I'll take that.
Get them, get them! Come on, you cappy bastard! Yes! Have that.
Looks like you in the grunger period.
Here we go.
Right, just got to get the van.
Come on, Joel! Run, run! Come on! Come on! Come on! Get that 14-year-old girl home! Get in the van, get in the van! Get in the van! Yes! Yes! We've done it! Oh, that was so stressful! Oh, my God.
Well done, Rob and Scarlett.
You're heading back to your proper lives.
Have you enjoyed yourselves? Oh, my God, I've loved it! It's been good! Well, it's time for me to clock out now.
It says on my phone that it's been a privilege to guide you through this journey.
But, sadly, I must send you home.
Prepare to time travel one last time in three, two, one Loved it, Scarlett.
Me, too.
# You're the voice, try and understand it # Make the noise and make it clear # Ohhhh-oh-oh-ohhhh # Woah-ohhhh-oh oh-ohhhh-oh-oh # We're not going to sit in silence # We're not going to live with fear Ohhhh-oh-oh-ohhhh, Woah-ohhhh-oh-oh-ohhhh-oh-oh