Robin Hood s01e06 Episode Script

The Taxman Cometh

If you're not good, I warn you, he will kill you.
We're good.
We're the best you'll ever meet.
Arrogant too! I like it.
The rest when Hood is in my vaults.
(Insects buzzing) - Morning.
- Morning.
Ah, let's have a look.
Ah! That'll scrub up nice.
- Thank you.
- OK.
Bye now.
Who'd have thought? An artist, masquerading as a butcher.
What do you want? What is this? Beetroot? It's perfectly good meat.
- Never hurt anyone.
- Then you eat it.
- It's not cooked.
- Eat! Eat it! You sell this? People save for a month, they give everything they have for a piece of meat for the children, and you give them this? The rancid leftovers from the castle kitchen? - They're my economy cuts.
- You'll get another kind of cut in a minute.
Your economy cuts nearly poisoned half of Locksley village.
(Guard) You've got enough for yourself now.
Not a word! - Morning.
- Morning.
- We've come for the Sheriff's order.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's all here.
(Whispers) Outlaws in the storeroom! Storeroom.
Aaargh! Stop him! Quickly! Master? The sewer? No! Oh, yes! (Much) Aaaargh! Aaaargh! Oh! Ugh! Oh, lovely! Like a pig in slops.
Well, then you should be happy.
- What? - That's what it means.
A pig in slops, it means you're happy.
I've never understood that.
Why would anyone be happy in slop? (Low conversation) Madam? I am the Abbess The Abbess of Rufford.
I seek the protection of your Sheriff.
What's happened? Pilgrimage Outlaws in the forest (Gisborne) Outlaws.
Take her to the castle, get a physician.
I will return shortly.
Thank you.
(Horse whinnies) I'm just a poor farmer.
I'm going into town to sell some goat's milk.
- You will not make money.
- We won't make much.
Just enough to keep me and the orphan lad alive.
You will not make anything.
This is a male goat.
Well, well! Poverty's not what it used to be.
It's a family heirloom.
Liars we do not like.
What is this? That is crown property.
And I am ordering you to put it back! Speaks grand for a farmer.
More like a taxman to me.
It's not too late for everyone just to go on their way.
Too late for you.
Please, sir! No! Marian! Forgive me, I do not have as much time as I had planned.
I have a gift for you.
Sir Guy.
You bring too many gifts.
My mother used to say if you have wronged somebody, or if they're upset, do not be proud, offer them friendship.
If they reject you, offer a second time, and a third until they accept.
And that is what I intend to do with you.
Please, I do not need gifts.
You need a husband.
This world is not safe for a woman alone.
I can protect myself.
Even pilgrims There 's an Abbess at Nottingham, half dead.
I must tend to her.
Then I would not delay you.
Good day.
I will keep giving.
- What have we got? - Tax collector.
Oh! Very good.
At least get the facts straight.
I am a tax inspector.
It's two grades higher than a tax collector.
I do the bookwork, I don't dirty my hands with the money.
How can you be so proud? This is not taxation.
This is extortion.
I count the wealth of the world.
I don't judge it.
No, we judge it.
This is 1192, my friend.
The time for heroes is gone.
This is the age of the book-keeper now.
These markings.
They mean something.
I will not divulge state secrets.
- You! Put him down! - Hey! Word of advice, mate.
Be nice to Little John.
- Put my father down.
He has a weak heart! - Your father? John! Let the gentleman down.
What state secrets? John? Leave him alone! We do not like it when people hold back on us.
Now, tell me.
What state secrets? Gisborne seemed angry.
What did you say to him? I said I would marry him and have his children.
You could do worse.
Yes, if I married the Sheriff.
I would sooner be a nun than Gisborne's wife.
When is this willfulness going to stop? - Not to mention the other nonsense? - What other nonsense? - The Night Rider or whatever you call yourself.
- I do not call myself anything.
They say Nightwatchman.
It is dangerous.
It is foolish.
And I have forbidden it.
Father, I must do what I can.
The poor cannot feed themselves, their children I forbid it.
Your hair was a warning.
Next time you will hang.
That is my problem.
How can you be so selfish? It is my neck.
I am your father.
This is my house and You fear for your own neck.
That is the truth.
If you cannot obey me, if you I cannot obey you.
Then you leave this house.
If I tell you, how do I know you're not just going to kill us anyway? - You don't.
- That's not much of a deal.
Well, in the real world, things don't always add up.
- Very original.
- But true.
The tax money for the whole of the north is being held in Nottingham castle.
All of it? The Sheriff has the trust of the Prince.
He has been Annual Collector for the last three years.
That's true.
My father used to make extra strongboxes this time of year.
In case you have any ideas, Prince John sends a unit of his army to protect the shipment.
And yet he does not protect you? Hmph! I do not move the money.
I merely count it.
Check it out as it leaves Nottingham, check it in as it arrives in London.
Master No, surely Robin The castle's as tight as leeches' lips.
You're scared.
Well, yeah.
Look, I've dangled from a rope there.
- Not funny.
- I want that money.
I want that money before it gets to London.
Do you think taxes pay for themselves? People sweat for them.
Give their lives for them.
And when they save up enough, they can't even afford a decent piece of meat.
My friend here lost his mother.
- It's not my fault.
- You're part of the system.
Taxes we do not like.
It's one of our bugbears.
We'd give that money back to the people it was stolen from.
Where in the castle? In the vault.
Maximum security.
You'd never get in.
Yeah, you're right.
We wouldn't May I say, I am relieved! I mean, as much as I want to see that money returned to the people, I just think that We wouldn't get in, but you you would.
- She was leading a pilgrimage to Canterbury.
- Ah, Canterbury, Canterbury.
Thomas A Becket.
Everybody loves a martyr.
Her retinue were robbed and scattered to the four winds.
She's been stumbling through the forest all night.
Aww! No servants? No adoring novice nuns? Poor thing.
- I have some sympathy.
- Well, don't.
They call themselves Father Abbot and Mother Superior.
They call themselves by parents' names so that we don't notice them getting fat at our expense.
They are parasites dressed as pious.
There are worse things to dress up as than pious, my Lord.
Ah, that remark was not meant for you.
- I think it was.
- Yes Yes, it was.
For people like you.
What can I say? I'm not sorry.
Then I cannot grant you forgiveness.
Oh, where you come from, that must be a devastating thing to withhold.
But here I've no intentions of being a parasite in your castle, my Lord.
Pious or otherwise.
I shall be leaving forthwith.
I wish you a safe onward journey.
I've sent one of your messengers to Rufford.
Assuming the outlaws you are so clearly incapable of controlling allow him to get through, a retinue will arrive to escort me home directly.
I've given instructions for funds to be brought.
You will be paid for your hospitality.
Oh! Er, monies raised here go directly to support the King and his army, Funds raised by the Church go to the glorification of God.
Not war.
Ah! Just as I thought.
It is meant to be a Holy War but it is paid for out of my taxes, not yours, Mother! I had heard Nottingham under your stewardship was a godless place.
I had no idea how godless.
Yes, I know.
I should have been struck down by now.
I hope you're still here for dinner.
No charge.
- This is your chapel? - I'm sorry, my Lady.
The chapel is out of bounds.
We do not know for sure it was Hood.
The Abbess was very clear.
Does it matter? We just blame him anyway.
Robin Hood, pilgrim robber.
I want Hood to be comfortable confident bold.
Do you have a scheme? Sir, you may be comfortable with godlessness, I am not.
I am comfortable with godlessness.
In fact, I would hate to be godlessness-less.
I am denied access to your chapel, and so I am denied access to my god.
Whether you accept it or not, he is your god too.
Currently my God has another use for the chapel.
There can be only one use for a chapel.
Well, today there are two.
Let me see what I can do.
Staying for long, sir? Depends on how much money you have got for us to count.
That your same boy? Frederick? Cedric.
I'll get you an escort, gents.
Taxes in the chapel of the Lord.
I love irony.
Let the lady get on her knees to her god.
My Lord, is this safe? If something were to go wrong - Post two more guards.
- Yes, my Lord.
She's only a nun.
Ah! Forgive me if I don't join you.
- You want forgiveness now? - It was a turn of phrase.
Or was it your conscience talking? I don't know.
Have I got a conscience? You like to spar with words.
I like to spar with actions too.
- You forgive me.
- What for? For not praying for your soul.
(Chuckles) I can see you.
What? I can see you.
Underneath all that Mother Superior performance, there 's a naughty little girl, isn't there? Hm? Am I right? Underneath all the haughty, there 's quite a bit of naughty.
How dare you? I think you probably like to spar with words.
I think you probably like to spar with actions too.
Ouch The door will be locked, so knock if you want to get out.
You're locking me in?! In the chapel of the Lord? - Money! Please! - My Lady! - Please! - My children are starving! Please! (All clamoring) Help! Somebody help me! - Somebody help me, please! - Break it up! Break it up! Don't have anything to do with them, your Ladyship.
You don't belong with that sort.
Your escort, sir.
Ah The taxman cometh.
That was impressive.
Thank you.
Seeing as you owe me one, can we talk? No Master, our mission! One minute What mission? You will find out soon enough.
Do you have a problem? More than I can say in one minute.
This life, this pretence, is driving me mad.
Gisborne sniffs around me like a little spaniel.
My father would have me marry him for fear of anyone guessing we are not wholly in league with the Sheriff.
As for the Nightwatchman, it is not enough for me and it is much too much for my father.
What I want, who I am does not count.
I am sick of it all.
I'm leaving home.
To go where? I do not know.
That is unwise.
I am sick of people and it is always men telling me what is wise and what is not.
Then tell me what it is you want.
Help! I want somebody, for once, to think about how they can help me.
Help me to do what I want to do, what I think is wise.
Master! - I have to go.
- Of course you do.
- I have to go too.
- Master! We will continue this conversation.
I'd like to help.
No need.
I've made my decision.
Ah, Gisborne.
Marian wants to petition our visiting Mother Superior.
What for? To borrow a pound.
What do you think? To become a nun.
Really? A nun? My father is displeased with me.
In the abbey I could learn obedience.
But surely there are other ways.
Go and knock on her ladyship's door.
She's in the chapel.
Tell the guards I sent you.
Mother? Forgive this intrusion.
I have a request to make of you.
Speak quickly, child.
It is a difficult matter Quickly or not at all.
Very well.
I should like to be a novice in your order.
Come to my abbey in a month.
I will consider you then.
With respect, you are here today.
Consider me now.
You are bold.
Do you know who I am? Forgive me.
I am bold.
That is why I do not belong here.
It is stifling.
You think an abbey is a place to be bold? I think it is a place to breathe.
I should like to be clear.
I would stay for a year at most, and I can fund my keep.
Forgive me, something about you.
You are an unlikely novice.
You are an unlikely abbess.
You are spirited.
I could use someone like you.
I have no intention of being used.
Aargh! Will! I hate this.
So, did she agree? Yes.
I'm surprised you've not mentioned this to me before.
Should I have? Yeah.
It is done now.
I leave with her when her retinue comes.
Tonight, probably.
I must pack my things.
I thought we were friends.
I thought in time you would consider What? Marriage.
That you would consider Perhaps I am not the marrying kind.
But you will be a bride of Christ? It was a difficult decision, I confess.
(Knock on door) (Yelling) Now, listen here, I've played my part.
- What about my son? - Quiet.
- No.
I have to know he's safe.
- Enough! (All) Oi! (Banging on door) You're wasting your time.
We've been tricked.
(Roars) - Clever.
- But it's true.
The taxes of the north do come through Nottingham.
Every year at this time.
I helped make these chests.
That's why it was clever.
An inch of truth makes the lie hard to spot.
I knew we shouldn't have done this! I said! Shh! Let me think.
We're going to hang now.
We are not going to hang! Master, what do we do? I have a plan.
No, you don't.
You're right.
I don't.
I've got a plan.
As promised.
Robin Hood is in your vault.
And retinue.
Hood? How? - With all the tax chests? - Moved for the occasion.
Gisborne, this is Flaxton.
Give him a big kiss.
He's achieved something none of us could manage.
Well, come along.
Let's go and gloat.
Before that if you could settle the remainder of my payment? I have risked my life.
I haven't taken delivery yet.
He's not going anywhere.
It's just that I'm not keen to stick around for the trial.
A trial? How quaint.
You'll be paid.
Gisborne, make the arrangements.
Five hundred pounds.
Really? We weren't allowed to fit the locks on these.
They had to be the best.
As good as the castle locks.
What does that mean? It means they might well be made by the same locksmith.
I don't suppose there 's any point telling you to hurry up? - No.
- Right.
Guards! (Yells) Cluster ball! Stop! Stop! Stop! No one has to die here today! I think you know how this goes.
How much did you pay him? He was surprisingly cheap.
Did you really think he was a tax inspector? Was it enough to sacrifice his boy's life? You can kill him if you like.
Nobody will miss him, least of all me.
- You are revolting.
- Yes.
I am godless, aren't I? (Gisborne) Let's finish this here, Hood.
Forget the Sheriff, forget the soldiers.
Just you and me.
Sorry, Gisborne.
Trial by combat's not big and it's not clever.
- So you are a coward.
- I am no coward.
I just do not trust you.
Or them.
Now, step aside.
Only a coward would steal from pilgrims! What pilgrims? Defenseless women! Women in holy orders! Who's showing their breeding now, eh? Step aside.
Now! Do you know about this? Pilgrims? I haven't touched any pilgrims.
- John? - No.
The Abbess of Rufford is still alive, no thanks to you.
Never heard of her.
But he dies unless you drop the portcullis! Now! A taxman that isn't a taxman, pilgrims no one's ever heard of I think we've both been had.
Get after them! (Heavy thud) (Whimpers) No! No! Mother Superior! She was not the Abbess of Rufford.
You look like a boy.
You look like a girl.
If my father is hurt What will you do? Cry? Maybe.
Wouldn't you, if it was your father? My father was killed by you English.
Crusaders! Then you know how I feel.
I was brought to this country as a slave, tied up like an animal.
Have sympathy with me.
And on that journey, I learned every way there is of trying talk my way out of bondage.
So save your breath.
You can't blame me for trying.
(Whistle) (Whistle) - We've been tricked.
- How? - He's not really a tax man.
- Shh! It's not just us, the Sheriff's been tricked too.
Yeah, how do we know that exactly? - The inch of truth.
- What? The money.
The bit about the tax money was true.
- And? - Anybody as good as our friendly tax inspector wouldn't settle for a few pounds for catching some outlaws.
Not when the whole of the tax money for the north is on offer.
So So, Djaq.
You go back.
Untie him.
Let him overpower you.
Now, we will follow him and if I am right he will lead us to some very wealthy crooks.
No need.
- (Bones cracking) - (Groaning) Clever beggar! That is weird! It's like a circus act.
(Much) Ah, that is horrible.
(Allan) Ohh! Come on! Three groups.
Switch pursuit.
Silent running.
Go! You are really going? I have an arrangement with the Abbess of Rufford.
What would I have to do to persuade you to stay? It's too late.
I meet the Abbess in the castle in an hour.
She expects her retinue tonight.
Surely it is never too late between a father and a daughter? What can I do? Support me, as the Nightwatchman.
I want to do more, not less.
Protect me from the Gisbornes of this world.
Accept me.
The daughter you have.
Not the daughter you wanted.
And if I cannot? Then I go to meet the Abbess.
- Those are your terms? - Those are my terms.
I'm sorry.
The Nightwatchman may as well put a noose around both our necks.
If you feel that strongly You will support me? I have no choice.
Then I will stay.
Gisborne came to see you.
Just now.
I sent him away.
He will be back.
We will be strong.
Woah! Welcome back, lad.
Woah! Tell me we are in business.
Not unless we want to be! We will never have to be in business again! Come on, boy.
Come and sit next to your retirement.
No retirements just yet.
- Is this him? - You should be dead! - Many times over.
- How did you escape? Oh, a wriggle and a pop of the shoulders.
I told you, always check the tail.
We've not taken from you.
- We were never after you.
- No.
We were just the bait.
Get over it.
You get over it.
You might as well have been tax collectors.
- You do exactly the same thing.
- You can talk.
You live on the wrong side of the law just like us.
That is because the law has itself become criminal.
England is rotting from the top down.
Then why stay? We were going to Holland to set ourselves up as nobles.
Why not join us? We'd make a wonderful combination.
There are many more fools like the Sheriff of Nottingham in this world.
It is our duty to cheat them.
They're greedy.
That's why they are so easy to trick.
Join us.
With our strategies and your remarkable talents (Whispering) It would be so different.
Forget the others, just you and me.
What's he doing? Now you see what I have to put up with? What do you say? I say Little John.
What? You are pigs.
And you are in slops.
But I think you'll find they are not pigs in slops! What else have we got here? You wouldn't have wanted to retire on this.
Dirty money.
May I say I'm glad to see you there? You have said it.
If you will excuse me.
When you said that you would go to Rufford, I admit, I was disturbed.
Sir Guy, have I ever indicated that you would have a right to be disturbed? Well, I would like to earn that right.
And I'm glad that I still have the chance.
The so-called Abbess.
She was an impostor.
Pardon? I came straightaway.
I told your father.
Did he not tell you? No.
I think maybe he was being kind to me.
There are other people who would like to be kind to you.
If you would let them.
I saw him coming.
I would have headed him off.
He told me.
- It makes no difference.
- Yes, it does.
I had nowhere to run.
You did not need to agree to my terms.
Irealized that the daughter I had was the daughter I wanted.
Good morning! I have a proposition for you.
The next time you have meat to take to Nottingham, you take it to the village of Locksley, you take it to the village of Wadlow, you take it to the village of Clun.
What are you trying to do? Feed the world? Don't give me ideas.
Good morning! A proposition for you The next time you have meat for the market, you take it to the village of Nettlestone.
Now, I am paying you over the odds, I am paying you in advance.
For this year and the next.
Do you know who I am? I am Robin Hood.
Don't let me down.