Roger And Val Have Just Got In (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
The Guarantee
Oh, come on.
Definitely here somewhere.
- Val! - Yep.
Ohh No, Val, please.
I know.
But this is where it'll be.
And if it's not, we have to go through the big drawer.
- Right.
- You might as well know that now.
Right, I'll just get my coat off.
- Wh-What about the bank statement? - Oh, he stonewalled that.
Said nothing proves that's a hoover, it just says 130 quid.
That's outrageous.
He would be willing to replace it but only if we have the actual guarantee.
We'll tackle him legally.
What about the top of our wardrobe? I've looked through the top of our wardrobe.
It's not there.
Right.
Well, I'll just Then we'll get going.
You know, this is not on.
Roger, does the house smell? Eh? No, I don't think so.
Yes it does.
Do a big smell up now in the hall.
Walk suddenly into the hall and smell it.
Oh.
Like this.
Do this.
Like that.
Do that.
What can you smell? I thought it smelt when I came in.
No, nothing.
No no nothing.
- It smells normal.
- Does it? - Yeah, it - Yeah, I can confirm that, Val.
Oh.
Cos I thought it did.
I think I'm over-aware, cos I brushed it.
I think you're right.
I think you're keyed up.
I see a smell.
What's that called? There's a name for that, isn't there? When the senses swap places.
Yes, you'll have that, yes.
Yeah, I'll just see to my stuff.
- Right but don't wander off, Roger.
- I won't.
No, don't, because it's looking like the big drawer.
I poleaxed them at the board, Val.
I stunned everyone, including myself.
I hope that includes Phil.
And is it? Well, yeah, but it's pretty low.
And Esther from Legal was Well, at first, she was, "Roger Stevenson, he's a botanist.
"Why doesn't he keep out of it?" But come four o'clock I'd won her round a bit.
Who's this Esther from Legal, then? You've never mentioned her before.
Yeah.
Esther.
From Legal.
Never heard of her.
Ah, she's all right, Esther.
She's not my natural enemy, by any means.
In the wild, I'd be of no nutritional value to Esther at all.
If I was to rear up she would neither attack me nor at me.
She'd show me respect.
Yeah, we'd rub alongside each other like a lizard and a bat.
Yeah, I don't mind her.
Hang on a minute, Roger, because from what you're saying, she would actually eat the cleaners.
No, no, it's not Esther, no, she's not like that.
She's good, Val.
She thinks I'm a class act.
- Does she? - Yeah.
For all the trouble I've caused her, I could tell at the meeting she thought I was sharp.
I've done the dishwasher.
Oh.
Great.
I would have I could have done that.
- So, what did you have for lunch? - Tuna sandwich.
- Ohh.
Did you have any crisps? - No.
What did you have? Soup.
And I did have crisps.
Right.
So.
The guarantee.
We're no further forward.
Yeah.
And with less hope because it's not in the top of the wardrobe.
So we're no further forward and our hope has gone backward and that's where we're at.
OK.
So the bottom line is we've still no hoover.
Mm.
And we're heading for the big drawer.
This is my fault, partly, for advocating not supporting the corporate giant and going with this guy.
Yeah.
And you tell me the difference between this guy and the big global corporate giants.
- Size.
- Exactly.
Size.
- Nothing else.
- Well, that's the point.
He is an extremely difficult shop to deal with.
I went there today at 12:15, he was closed for lunch.
I went back at four.
In fact, Margaret Taylor stopped me as I was coming out of school and she said, "Are you still at it with that hoover?" I went back, it must have been, well, I'd say no later than ten past four, - and he was closing up.
- That's ridiculous.
He's supposed to close at five.
Margaret Taylor has got exactly the right degree of coat for all weathers.
- Anything that comes along.
- Hm.
For instance, today she was wearing a light cream anorak, it was perfect for the wind, but not too much.
A notch up from that, she's got a couple of heavier padded anoraks, still very, very smart, that she wears with a scarf, sometimes.
And then she's got one of those big sort of full-length anoraks that looks like a sleeping bag.
And finally, she's got a very, very good camel coat.
Oh.
Right, well, our only option now is to go into the big drawer and hope that it's there.
Or buy a new hoover.
From a big shop that will give us a big refund if we need it.
- And that's it.
- Is it? - Yes, it is.
- Is it, though? I'm wondering now if our Mr Hawker has a leg to stand on, you know, legally? - No, no, Roger.
Please, don't - No, no, no.
Hear me out.
Just saying, maybe we should put a little legal-eagle nous on this.
- No.
- No, we should maybe talk to someone like - Definitely not.
- No, no, no.
Yes, no.
No, you know, someone Esther, for example No! No! No, no, no, no, no.
We just find the guarantee, Roger.
Val, before we have to get into the big drawer, let's just give her a quick call.
- Please don't.
Roger! - Well, it's worth a shot - Are you calling her now? Please don't.
- Shoosh.
It'll be fine.
- Roger, don't call - It's all right.
- Don't call her, please.
- Oh, Esther? - Oh, my - Hello it's Roger.
Stevenson.
From today.
But it's not about the No.
Well, I do believe that when economic status has a bearing on the justice - Shut up.
- But can I just say, we're doomed as a soc Yes, yes.
Yes, I will.
Well it's just another sort of little, er, legal query, but this time about my hoover - Oh! - Yeah! Hey, Esther, law's law.
Anyway, in fact, let me put my wife Val on to you so - What? No! - It's OK.
Ignore her, she's fine.
- No! - It's fine isn't it, Esther? - Don't put me on.
- Val seems to think that it's not because - No, no.
No! - Here she is - Don't put me on! Don't put me on! - Er, no, sorry, she's not there.
I thought she was but it's an upside-down brush - What are you saying? - No, I see her! - No! Don't put me on! - I've got her, Esther.
I've got her.
- Esther's happy to take the call.
- Don't put me on! Take the call! Hello? Esther.
Hello.
Yeah, Val.
Yes, I've certainly heard a lot about you.
Yes.
Yes I wouldn't worry about our hoover, Esther, you've got a lot on your plate from what I hear.
I'll just pop you back to Roger to apologise.
How could you?! - Er, er, Esther, this is crazy.
- Get off the phone.
- Apologise and get off the phone.
- All we've done is - Apologise and get off the phone.
- Bought an apologise from a phone.
- I'm very sorry.
Goodbye.
- Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
I, er She, er She says she's not sure, but she's inclined to think that you don't, but she's not sure er, cos she she's employment law, as I suspected.
- Do not - I won't.
- Put me - I won't.
- On a phone - No.
- Like that, Roger - No.
- Ever, ever, ever again.
- I won't.
- Why did you put me on? - I don't know.
- You don't know why you put me on? - I don't know why any of it.
Right.
Well, next time you see me going like this and saying, "Don't put me on! Don't put me on!" Don't put me on! I won't.
Sorry.
OK.
Right.
We've put this off long enough, Roger.
- Let's face the big drawer.
- Right.
Whoa, no, no, it's all right.
- Oh.
- Shall I Shall I start on this end, or - I I don't know what you want me to do.
- Yes, you could, yes.
Right.
There's the voucher for your second pair of glasses.
Thank you.
Gaaah! Gaaaah, why do I do it? Why? I ruin my own life! You should have stopped me, Val.
You know what I'm like.
- Why didn't you stop me? - I did try to stop you.
Yes, you did, you did.
Oh, don't desert me, Val.
- Help me, help me.
- Roger Roger, calm down.
Roger, listen to me.
You are very, very upset about your dad.
- Is that it? - Yes.
Well, you're a little bit like this anyway, but yes.
- You're upskittled and skewed.
- Oh, Val You're not sleeping, you're at the hospital, you're going to work every day as normal.
It's awful.
- Esther's nothing to do with us, is she? - Not really, no.
She doesn't want to know about the hoover.
Dad would want to know.
Yeah, he will, yeah.
Yeah.
He'd want to know more about is this legal? Anything to do with people getting sacked, he loves that.
- He will.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
You should juice it up for him and tell him that all the cleaners were going to get sacked and you stopped them, he'll love it! - He'll love it.
- Oh, yeah.
He will.
Oh, the old door knocker.
- I'm sorry I put you on the phone.
- It's OK.
- I'm really sorry.
- No, Roger.
It's OK.
I don't mind.
I mean, this is frightening.
Look at this, Val.
A fierce lion with a ring in its teeth to greet people at your front door.
Hm.
It's a copy of the one on Durham Cathedral.
So something made in 1200 and odd still works.
- Exactly right.
- Mm.
Because the craftsman, excuse me, the master craftsman who made that - would be ashamed to offer a guarantee.
- Yeah.
- It'd be a source of ignominy and disgrace.
- Yeah, because they made things properly.
That's why you still find all those sandals with the buckles still on.
And the people who are allowed to touch those, the, erm - Archaeologists.
- The archaeologists could just slip them on, - do them up and go about the place.
- Yeah.
Your major downside there was it was very difficult to get a refund for hundreds of years, cos they had a stranglehold over trade.
So if you were, like, the person who made the tights in that town, there was nothing they could do.
- I don't How do you mean? Well, you'd be able to say, "Thanks, here's your tights.
" And when they got them home they'd find that one leg was that length and one leg was that length! Nothing you could do.
- I don't think that's right, Val.
- No, that is right.
It is right.
And people got sick of it, and that's why they had to bring in special powers to say, you know, "Oi, you, making the bad tights, get out.
" See, and back in 1209, I would have bought that hoover with a barter.
- I'd have paid, what? Three chickens.
- Yeah.
So, tomorrow, I would have a right to march on Mr Hawker with an army of my neighbours and say, "You, hoover merchant, your hoover is rubbish.
"So give me back my chickens.
" And if he didn't give 'em back to me, I'd just grab 'em and I'd wring their necks right in his face.
- Val! - No I wouldn't, Roger, but a medieval person would.
Brutal, yes, but you'd get your refund.
- No red tape there.
- Yeah.
Val, this is truly useless.
You know, it's only when I do that that I realise what a really good catcher I am.
Hoh! Hoh! Look, Val, look, you see? It's as if I'm plucking it out of mid-air.
Oh! Oh! That's why I was really good Phew! At rounders.
Actually, can I have a go with that now please, Roger? Well, if you offer me something that I want more than doing this, - you might get my attention.
- Right.
Erm, what about this slate coaster from the Pennine Way? No.
- Why? - Because you've not hooked me in, Val.
See, you wouldn't be doing very well as an Anglo-Saxon or a Norman, because you have no cunning.
I think that's quite a lot for a pointless spherical tin frog.
Val, you have bargaining tools you haven't even begun to utilise.
All right.
Erm what about if I let you take a medieval view of women, er, during and just after Newsnight.
- If we find the guarantee.
- I want it in writing.
- Fine.
- That's a piece of paper I will not be losing.
Oh, like a man.
- Whoosh! - What do you think this is, Val? Er Oh.
Oh, that is the stone you brought me back from your field trip to the Isle of Arran.
- Yeah.
I was trying to impress you.
- Yeah.
Who's gonna clear all this out when we're dead? - Val! - Well it's just that, those people, they won't know why this lump of stone's here.
Well it depends who clears it.
Have you told anyone? - No.
- Well, they won't know.
Actually, I didn't know.
The Council have people who come in a white van when you're dead - and clear it all away.
- Roger! We won't need that.
Mark and Birdie'll do it.
Actually, I don't want them to have to do it, do you? - I haven't really thought about it.
- But if Mike and Lois are both dead, they'll have to.
And if that's the case, they'll have cleared out their own parents' house.
So we'll be like the last bedrock.
Uncle Roger.
Auntie Val.
We'd be the last.
No, I really don't want the kids to have to do it, no.
- Do you think we're a bedrock? - What? To the kids.
I don't think I am.
I'm more of an inorganic subsoil.
Yes we are, because I know when their birthdays are.
Mark's birthday is the 17th of September and Birdie's is the hmpth of May.
I've never told anyone about this stone.
Well, everybody's got their own stone and stuff.
Hopefully.
Anyway, bequeath it.
- If it's that important, leave it to Birdie.
- No, no, it's not, it's just it's just I had a horrible vision there for a minute of, you know, people we don't know going through all of our stuff.
You know, through all our bank charges and our private stuff.
Ugh.
Do you know, you you really are bad with money, Roger.
Well, we'll just chuck all this out ourselves.
Well No.
Aaaargh! What is it? Is your back hurting as well? It's nothing.
No, j It's silly.
- It's nothing.
- What? - What is it, Roger? - Ooof! Oh I just wish I'd hadn't called Esther.
- Why? Was she annoyed? - Yeah, no, I don't No, I don't think she was annoyed.
What it'll be is, she'll have been in a hurry, and I think sometimes the two can sound similar.
Do you? Do you? - No, I don't think she was annoyed.
- Was she annoyed? Argh.
I don't know.
I I can't think about it.
It'll just be, you know, that she's busy and and our hoover's got nothing to do with the woman.
I know.
I know that, cos, you know l I just wish I hadn't rung.
But, you know, I hope she's not going round thinking, "Oh, Roger Stevenson.
Nightmare!" - No.
- She won't be.
She won't be thinking about it at all.
Just leave it, right? - Don't do anything.
- Yeah, right, no.
Cos I'm wondering if I should maybe send her a text, "Sorry if came over nightmare.
" No.
Don't do that.
Definitely don't do that.
Just leave it now, cos that's all you can do.
Cos what you really want in a situation like this is something you can never, never have and that is to bump into that person in somewhere like Sainsbury's.
- How do you mean, Val? - Well, so you can go, "Oh, hello, Esther!" "Hello, Roger.
" "Oh, Esther, sorry about, er, the phone call.
" "Oh, chillax, Roger.
No probs.
"You're clearly a nutter but not really a nutter, "and as you can see by my very calm face, "I'm not at all traumatised by your very weird phone call.
"In fact, no, I'm just, you know, going around Sainsbury's as per normal.
" That's what you want.
That's your ideal.
And you never get it.
- Yeah, well, I don't think I'll send her a text.
- No, no.
Definitely don't, no.
Right, come on.
Now.
Change your focus.
Change your focus.
Do this with me.
Right, I'm gonna get a black bin liner and anything we don't need, Roger, I'm gonna chuck.
- How old is Esther? - Eh? Er, I've no idea, Val, how old she is.
Well, 25 or 60? Which is she? Er, 33, four? Right.
Ugh.
Anyway, come on.
I don't want to spend my whole life sitting on a crate in a garage looking for a guarantee.
They give you a piece of paper and they say, "If you keep hold of that, everything'll be OK.
" - Mm.
- Well, I'm sorry, but that's not how it is.
This is ridiculous.
Trawling through the debris of our lives looking for a guarantee that we both know isn't there.
- Not if you lose it.
- No, you need to hold on to it and love it and keep it safe.
That's all you can do.
That is your only guarantee.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
I thought you were still talking about the hoover.
You've obviously moved on to broach more challenging territory.
Yeah.
Keep the stone from your field trip.
That's all you can do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The likelihood is, of course, we won't be living here.
We'll be in some sheltered built-for-purpose bungalow with a warden.
Val, will you give it a rest? I've only just got back from work.
I was great when I came in.
Right, we are not the kind to live in sheltered accommodation.
So that's not going to happen.
The only thing holding us back is the big drawer and the top of our wardrobe.
I say we hit 70, sell the house, take off in the camper van and maybe go back to St Malo.
Oh.
Yeah, that would be OK.
I could take the stone with me.
Be like our honeymoon.
- Exactly.
Beat-up old camper van - Yeah.
Got the hell outta Portsmouth, hopped on the ferry.
- Always said we'd go back.
- Yeah.
That waiter that said "Oysters!" - "Oysters!" - No, "Oysters!" Yeah, that's what I did.
"Oysters!".
Yeah, it'd be great.
I guarantee.
Yeah.
Not sure if I really want to go to St Malo to die though, Rog.
It's a very long journey, isn't it? And then when you get there, it's just like Britain.
Yeah.
Come on, come on.
Stand over there with the bin liner.
We're going to chuck the lot of this.
Right.
Here we go.
Gas bill, no thanks, paid you.
Pamphlet, stately home, never read you, gone! "Welcome to Total Broadband", don't care.
Water, council tax, pizza, photo, back of a prescription We're slinging the whole lot, Roger.
This is not our life.
This is paper.
Paper! - Why have we kept it? Why? - Yeah.
Do you know what I'm gonna do before we die? I'm gonna get all of our stuff in order, A, B, C, D, E, like that, so that I can just chuck it all with my last gasp.
- That might be very difficult to coordinate.
- No, it won't be.
Because I'll have one pile that I can chuck out just before my actual death and I'm gonna have another pile that I'm gonna chuck out at the very last possible moment.
So when it comes to it they'll just sort of have to wheel me out, like that, and I'll be, like, in a long dressing gown, or something, with a bow, or something, possibly in one of those you know those big wicker wheelchairs, and they'll just wheel me out squeaking across the lawn, it's a big green lawn with, like, stone steps.
I don't know where I am, Roger, it's just this is how I see it in my mind.
And then they have to help me heave myself up to tip it all onto the bonfire.
It's just me and three silent attendants.
I don't see you there, sorry, Roger.
And then I say, "You'll need these.
" And that'll be my will, my driving licence, a little note to explain that I want the coffin built out of very thin wood in case they bury me alive and I want them to hear me knocking, and then I'll just die.
Right.
Well, then, what we actually need is a filing system that works.
Yes, we will.
Bam, bam, bam, everything labelled, one, two, three! Red, white, blue! You see, I don't like it when you're like this, you're quite frightening.
Yes I am! That's me, organised.
No, no, no.
I'm not like that at all, am I? - No.
- Neither of us are.
We're just hopeless.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, it's Hoover.
It's here.
It's here, Roger.
This is it.
I think I've found it.
I'm shocked.
I think we've hit a bit of good luck here, Rog.
Here, have a look at it.
Is that it? I'm in shock! Is that the right make and model? Is it? - Yes, it is! - Is it? My God.
I'm staggered.
You see? That's what I said.
Keep everything.
- That's the guarantee.
- It's unbelievable.
- I'm stunned.
- We've gone straight to it.
No, I'll tell you what we've done, we've gone straight to it! I am never, ever gonna doubt my filing system ever, ever again.
We've gone exactly to where we said it would be.
We said it would be in the big drawer and it is.
- Yep.
- Yes it is! - What have I done? - You've torn up the guarantee.
- What did I do that for? - I don't know.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
I've torn up the guarantee.
Val, may I congratulate you on a splendid act of political defiance.
- I have no memory of it! - Well, there are the bits.
Well, it wasn't conscious.
It was subconscious.
I've obviously wanted to do it.
That's what subconscious is.
You want to do it more than you want to do what you consciously want to do.
I came here tonight thinking I was the legal rebel.
I gotta hand it to you, Val, you have matched me.
- Thanks, Rog.
- No.
It was a fine act.
You too have cried, "Is this legal? And if it is, is it fair?" - Mm.
Mm.
- Welcome, my honeymoon camper van.
- Long and straight was your path.
- Yes.
- And true were your passengers.
- Yes.
We've chosen the path of field-trip stones and bank charges and independent but awkward hoover shops.
- I didn't choose the hoover shop, Roger.
- Absolutely, Val.
I'll try and return the Hoover when I've sellotaped the guarantee back together.
Yeah, great.
Right, let's shove this back in the drawer.
Right.
Get rid of this.
We'll do this later.
Yes.
That's all right.
Pick up all the bits, please, Roger, and put them all on top of the microwave.
- Have you got all the bits? - Yeah, I got them.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Right.
Kitchen.
It's so ironic that this is about a hoover.
And we've been dealt the filthiest of deals.
- Now, sellotape, sellotape - In the big dish.
Got it.
- No, wait for me to do that, Roger.
- Nah, it's fairly straightforward.
No, you'd be best, Roger, to back that with card.
I don't think so.
There's writing on the back, how would he see it? He probably won't accept it, will he? - Is it legal, Roger? - Well, my guess is yes, because if you sellotape a bank note together it's still legal tender.
I've played Hawker right back into the game, haven't I? Yes, you have.
You've given him every excuse to carry it on.
- Normal? - I don't know.
I don't know any more.
I tell you what, I'm never gonna let this happen again.
Every new thing we buy from now on, I'm gonna file the guarantee.
Because tearing it up is good, but it could cost us 150 quid.
Well, if it does, we'll just chalk it up to experience.
We're not gonna chalk it up to experience.
We're in our 50s.
This is our experience.
"No probs, who cares? Just leave it, camper van, yeah.
" Mind you, I'd much rather be us.
Organisationally, I mean.
Wouldn't you? Organisationally, I'd much rather be us.
- Oh, much rather be us, organisationally.
- Yeah.
Do I want to be with a woman who tears up her hoover guarantee? Yeah, I do.
I find it stirring.
We're all right, we're all right.
Mm.
I think it's much better than out there, in here.
- What's the nosh? - Er, home-made burgers.
Superb.
Come on.
Ooh, you can have this.
Oh, thanks.
What about if I went into the hoover shop tomorrow and I said, "Mr Hawker? "I've found my guarantee, here it is" and I gave him this.
Just to underline the ridiculousness of the whole thing.
- Yes! - What would he do? Nothing.
Except fail to understand your excellent point.
Hm.
Definitely here somewhere.
- Val! - Yep.
Ohh No, Val, please.
I know.
But this is where it'll be.
And if it's not, we have to go through the big drawer.
- Right.
- You might as well know that now.
Right, I'll just get my coat off.
- Wh-What about the bank statement? - Oh, he stonewalled that.
Said nothing proves that's a hoover, it just says 130 quid.
That's outrageous.
He would be willing to replace it but only if we have the actual guarantee.
We'll tackle him legally.
What about the top of our wardrobe? I've looked through the top of our wardrobe.
It's not there.
Right.
Well, I'll just Then we'll get going.
You know, this is not on.
Roger, does the house smell? Eh? No, I don't think so.
Yes it does.
Do a big smell up now in the hall.
Walk suddenly into the hall and smell it.
Oh.
Like this.
Do this.
Like that.
Do that.
What can you smell? I thought it smelt when I came in.
No, nothing.
No no nothing.
- It smells normal.
- Does it? - Yeah, it - Yeah, I can confirm that, Val.
Oh.
Cos I thought it did.
I think I'm over-aware, cos I brushed it.
I think you're right.
I think you're keyed up.
I see a smell.
What's that called? There's a name for that, isn't there? When the senses swap places.
Yes, you'll have that, yes.
Yeah, I'll just see to my stuff.
- Right but don't wander off, Roger.
- I won't.
No, don't, because it's looking like the big drawer.
I poleaxed them at the board, Val.
I stunned everyone, including myself.
I hope that includes Phil.
And is it? Well, yeah, but it's pretty low.
And Esther from Legal was Well, at first, she was, "Roger Stevenson, he's a botanist.
"Why doesn't he keep out of it?" But come four o'clock I'd won her round a bit.
Who's this Esther from Legal, then? You've never mentioned her before.
Yeah.
Esther.
From Legal.
Never heard of her.
Ah, she's all right, Esther.
She's not my natural enemy, by any means.
In the wild, I'd be of no nutritional value to Esther at all.
If I was to rear up she would neither attack me nor at me.
She'd show me respect.
Yeah, we'd rub alongside each other like a lizard and a bat.
Yeah, I don't mind her.
Hang on a minute, Roger, because from what you're saying, she would actually eat the cleaners.
No, no, it's not Esther, no, she's not like that.
She's good, Val.
She thinks I'm a class act.
- Does she? - Yeah.
For all the trouble I've caused her, I could tell at the meeting she thought I was sharp.
I've done the dishwasher.
Oh.
Great.
I would have I could have done that.
- So, what did you have for lunch? - Tuna sandwich.
- Ohh.
Did you have any crisps? - No.
What did you have? Soup.
And I did have crisps.
Right.
So.
The guarantee.
We're no further forward.
Yeah.
And with less hope because it's not in the top of the wardrobe.
So we're no further forward and our hope has gone backward and that's where we're at.
OK.
So the bottom line is we've still no hoover.
Mm.
And we're heading for the big drawer.
This is my fault, partly, for advocating not supporting the corporate giant and going with this guy.
Yeah.
And you tell me the difference between this guy and the big global corporate giants.
- Size.
- Exactly.
Size.
- Nothing else.
- Well, that's the point.
He is an extremely difficult shop to deal with.
I went there today at 12:15, he was closed for lunch.
I went back at four.
In fact, Margaret Taylor stopped me as I was coming out of school and she said, "Are you still at it with that hoover?" I went back, it must have been, well, I'd say no later than ten past four, - and he was closing up.
- That's ridiculous.
He's supposed to close at five.
Margaret Taylor has got exactly the right degree of coat for all weathers.
- Anything that comes along.
- Hm.
For instance, today she was wearing a light cream anorak, it was perfect for the wind, but not too much.
A notch up from that, she's got a couple of heavier padded anoraks, still very, very smart, that she wears with a scarf, sometimes.
And then she's got one of those big sort of full-length anoraks that looks like a sleeping bag.
And finally, she's got a very, very good camel coat.
Oh.
Right, well, our only option now is to go into the big drawer and hope that it's there.
Or buy a new hoover.
From a big shop that will give us a big refund if we need it.
- And that's it.
- Is it? - Yes, it is.
- Is it, though? I'm wondering now if our Mr Hawker has a leg to stand on, you know, legally? - No, no, Roger.
Please, don't - No, no, no.
Hear me out.
Just saying, maybe we should put a little legal-eagle nous on this.
- No.
- No, we should maybe talk to someone like - Definitely not.
- No, no, no.
Yes, no.
No, you know, someone Esther, for example No! No! No, no, no, no, no.
We just find the guarantee, Roger.
Val, before we have to get into the big drawer, let's just give her a quick call.
- Please don't.
Roger! - Well, it's worth a shot - Are you calling her now? Please don't.
- Shoosh.
It'll be fine.
- Roger, don't call - It's all right.
- Don't call her, please.
- Oh, Esther? - Oh, my - Hello it's Roger.
Stevenson.
From today.
But it's not about the No.
Well, I do believe that when economic status has a bearing on the justice - Shut up.
- But can I just say, we're doomed as a soc Yes, yes.
Yes, I will.
Well it's just another sort of little, er, legal query, but this time about my hoover - Oh! - Yeah! Hey, Esther, law's law.
Anyway, in fact, let me put my wife Val on to you so - What? No! - It's OK.
Ignore her, she's fine.
- No! - It's fine isn't it, Esther? - Don't put me on.
- Val seems to think that it's not because - No, no.
No! - Here she is - Don't put me on! Don't put me on! - Er, no, sorry, she's not there.
I thought she was but it's an upside-down brush - What are you saying? - No, I see her! - No! Don't put me on! - I've got her, Esther.
I've got her.
- Esther's happy to take the call.
- Don't put me on! Take the call! Hello? Esther.
Hello.
Yeah, Val.
Yes, I've certainly heard a lot about you.
Yes.
Yes I wouldn't worry about our hoover, Esther, you've got a lot on your plate from what I hear.
I'll just pop you back to Roger to apologise.
How could you?! - Er, er, Esther, this is crazy.
- Get off the phone.
- Apologise and get off the phone.
- All we've done is - Apologise and get off the phone.
- Bought an apologise from a phone.
- I'm very sorry.
Goodbye.
- Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
I, er She, er She says she's not sure, but she's inclined to think that you don't, but she's not sure er, cos she she's employment law, as I suspected.
- Do not - I won't.
- Put me - I won't.
- On a phone - No.
- Like that, Roger - No.
- Ever, ever, ever again.
- I won't.
- Why did you put me on? - I don't know.
- You don't know why you put me on? - I don't know why any of it.
Right.
Well, next time you see me going like this and saying, "Don't put me on! Don't put me on!" Don't put me on! I won't.
Sorry.
OK.
Right.
We've put this off long enough, Roger.
- Let's face the big drawer.
- Right.
Whoa, no, no, it's all right.
- Oh.
- Shall I Shall I start on this end, or - I I don't know what you want me to do.
- Yes, you could, yes.
Right.
There's the voucher for your second pair of glasses.
Thank you.
Gaaah! Gaaaah, why do I do it? Why? I ruin my own life! You should have stopped me, Val.
You know what I'm like.
- Why didn't you stop me? - I did try to stop you.
Yes, you did, you did.
Oh, don't desert me, Val.
- Help me, help me.
- Roger Roger, calm down.
Roger, listen to me.
You are very, very upset about your dad.
- Is that it? - Yes.
Well, you're a little bit like this anyway, but yes.
- You're upskittled and skewed.
- Oh, Val You're not sleeping, you're at the hospital, you're going to work every day as normal.
It's awful.
- Esther's nothing to do with us, is she? - Not really, no.
She doesn't want to know about the hoover.
Dad would want to know.
Yeah, he will, yeah.
Yeah.
He'd want to know more about is this legal? Anything to do with people getting sacked, he loves that.
- He will.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
You should juice it up for him and tell him that all the cleaners were going to get sacked and you stopped them, he'll love it! - He'll love it.
- Oh, yeah.
He will.
Oh, the old door knocker.
- I'm sorry I put you on the phone.
- It's OK.
- I'm really sorry.
- No, Roger.
It's OK.
I don't mind.
I mean, this is frightening.
Look at this, Val.
A fierce lion with a ring in its teeth to greet people at your front door.
Hm.
It's a copy of the one on Durham Cathedral.
So something made in 1200 and odd still works.
- Exactly right.
- Mm.
Because the craftsman, excuse me, the master craftsman who made that - would be ashamed to offer a guarantee.
- Yeah.
- It'd be a source of ignominy and disgrace.
- Yeah, because they made things properly.
That's why you still find all those sandals with the buckles still on.
And the people who are allowed to touch those, the, erm - Archaeologists.
- The archaeologists could just slip them on, - do them up and go about the place.
- Yeah.
Your major downside there was it was very difficult to get a refund for hundreds of years, cos they had a stranglehold over trade.
So if you were, like, the person who made the tights in that town, there was nothing they could do.
- I don't How do you mean? Well, you'd be able to say, "Thanks, here's your tights.
" And when they got them home they'd find that one leg was that length and one leg was that length! Nothing you could do.
- I don't think that's right, Val.
- No, that is right.
It is right.
And people got sick of it, and that's why they had to bring in special powers to say, you know, "Oi, you, making the bad tights, get out.
" See, and back in 1209, I would have bought that hoover with a barter.
- I'd have paid, what? Three chickens.
- Yeah.
So, tomorrow, I would have a right to march on Mr Hawker with an army of my neighbours and say, "You, hoover merchant, your hoover is rubbish.
"So give me back my chickens.
" And if he didn't give 'em back to me, I'd just grab 'em and I'd wring their necks right in his face.
- Val! - No I wouldn't, Roger, but a medieval person would.
Brutal, yes, but you'd get your refund.
- No red tape there.
- Yeah.
Val, this is truly useless.
You know, it's only when I do that that I realise what a really good catcher I am.
Hoh! Hoh! Look, Val, look, you see? It's as if I'm plucking it out of mid-air.
Oh! Oh! That's why I was really good Phew! At rounders.
Actually, can I have a go with that now please, Roger? Well, if you offer me something that I want more than doing this, - you might get my attention.
- Right.
Erm, what about this slate coaster from the Pennine Way? No.
- Why? - Because you've not hooked me in, Val.
See, you wouldn't be doing very well as an Anglo-Saxon or a Norman, because you have no cunning.
I think that's quite a lot for a pointless spherical tin frog.
Val, you have bargaining tools you haven't even begun to utilise.
All right.
Erm what about if I let you take a medieval view of women, er, during and just after Newsnight.
- If we find the guarantee.
- I want it in writing.
- Fine.
- That's a piece of paper I will not be losing.
Oh, like a man.
- Whoosh! - What do you think this is, Val? Er Oh.
Oh, that is the stone you brought me back from your field trip to the Isle of Arran.
- Yeah.
I was trying to impress you.
- Yeah.
Who's gonna clear all this out when we're dead? - Val! - Well it's just that, those people, they won't know why this lump of stone's here.
Well it depends who clears it.
Have you told anyone? - No.
- Well, they won't know.
Actually, I didn't know.
The Council have people who come in a white van when you're dead - and clear it all away.
- Roger! We won't need that.
Mark and Birdie'll do it.
Actually, I don't want them to have to do it, do you? - I haven't really thought about it.
- But if Mike and Lois are both dead, they'll have to.
And if that's the case, they'll have cleared out their own parents' house.
So we'll be like the last bedrock.
Uncle Roger.
Auntie Val.
We'd be the last.
No, I really don't want the kids to have to do it, no.
- Do you think we're a bedrock? - What? To the kids.
I don't think I am.
I'm more of an inorganic subsoil.
Yes we are, because I know when their birthdays are.
Mark's birthday is the 17th of September and Birdie's is the hmpth of May.
I've never told anyone about this stone.
Well, everybody's got their own stone and stuff.
Hopefully.
Anyway, bequeath it.
- If it's that important, leave it to Birdie.
- No, no, it's not, it's just it's just I had a horrible vision there for a minute of, you know, people we don't know going through all of our stuff.
You know, through all our bank charges and our private stuff.
Ugh.
Do you know, you you really are bad with money, Roger.
Well, we'll just chuck all this out ourselves.
Well No.
Aaaargh! What is it? Is your back hurting as well? It's nothing.
No, j It's silly.
- It's nothing.
- What? - What is it, Roger? - Ooof! Oh I just wish I'd hadn't called Esther.
- Why? Was she annoyed? - Yeah, no, I don't No, I don't think she was annoyed.
What it'll be is, she'll have been in a hurry, and I think sometimes the two can sound similar.
Do you? Do you? - No, I don't think she was annoyed.
- Was she annoyed? Argh.
I don't know.
I I can't think about it.
It'll just be, you know, that she's busy and and our hoover's got nothing to do with the woman.
I know.
I know that, cos, you know l I just wish I hadn't rung.
But, you know, I hope she's not going round thinking, "Oh, Roger Stevenson.
Nightmare!" - No.
- She won't be.
She won't be thinking about it at all.
Just leave it, right? - Don't do anything.
- Yeah, right, no.
Cos I'm wondering if I should maybe send her a text, "Sorry if came over nightmare.
" No.
Don't do that.
Definitely don't do that.
Just leave it now, cos that's all you can do.
Cos what you really want in a situation like this is something you can never, never have and that is to bump into that person in somewhere like Sainsbury's.
- How do you mean, Val? - Well, so you can go, "Oh, hello, Esther!" "Hello, Roger.
" "Oh, Esther, sorry about, er, the phone call.
" "Oh, chillax, Roger.
No probs.
"You're clearly a nutter but not really a nutter, "and as you can see by my very calm face, "I'm not at all traumatised by your very weird phone call.
"In fact, no, I'm just, you know, going around Sainsbury's as per normal.
" That's what you want.
That's your ideal.
And you never get it.
- Yeah, well, I don't think I'll send her a text.
- No, no.
Definitely don't, no.
Right, come on.
Now.
Change your focus.
Change your focus.
Do this with me.
Right, I'm gonna get a black bin liner and anything we don't need, Roger, I'm gonna chuck.
- How old is Esther? - Eh? Er, I've no idea, Val, how old she is.
Well, 25 or 60? Which is she? Er, 33, four? Right.
Ugh.
Anyway, come on.
I don't want to spend my whole life sitting on a crate in a garage looking for a guarantee.
They give you a piece of paper and they say, "If you keep hold of that, everything'll be OK.
" - Mm.
- Well, I'm sorry, but that's not how it is.
This is ridiculous.
Trawling through the debris of our lives looking for a guarantee that we both know isn't there.
- Not if you lose it.
- No, you need to hold on to it and love it and keep it safe.
That's all you can do.
That is your only guarantee.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
I thought you were still talking about the hoover.
You've obviously moved on to broach more challenging territory.
Yeah.
Keep the stone from your field trip.
That's all you can do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The likelihood is, of course, we won't be living here.
We'll be in some sheltered built-for-purpose bungalow with a warden.
Val, will you give it a rest? I've only just got back from work.
I was great when I came in.
Right, we are not the kind to live in sheltered accommodation.
So that's not going to happen.
The only thing holding us back is the big drawer and the top of our wardrobe.
I say we hit 70, sell the house, take off in the camper van and maybe go back to St Malo.
Oh.
Yeah, that would be OK.
I could take the stone with me.
Be like our honeymoon.
- Exactly.
Beat-up old camper van - Yeah.
Got the hell outta Portsmouth, hopped on the ferry.
- Always said we'd go back.
- Yeah.
That waiter that said "Oysters!" - "Oysters!" - No, "Oysters!" Yeah, that's what I did.
"Oysters!".
Yeah, it'd be great.
I guarantee.
Yeah.
Not sure if I really want to go to St Malo to die though, Rog.
It's a very long journey, isn't it? And then when you get there, it's just like Britain.
Yeah.
Come on, come on.
Stand over there with the bin liner.
We're going to chuck the lot of this.
Right.
Here we go.
Gas bill, no thanks, paid you.
Pamphlet, stately home, never read you, gone! "Welcome to Total Broadband", don't care.
Water, council tax, pizza, photo, back of a prescription We're slinging the whole lot, Roger.
This is not our life.
This is paper.
Paper! - Why have we kept it? Why? - Yeah.
Do you know what I'm gonna do before we die? I'm gonna get all of our stuff in order, A, B, C, D, E, like that, so that I can just chuck it all with my last gasp.
- That might be very difficult to coordinate.
- No, it won't be.
Because I'll have one pile that I can chuck out just before my actual death and I'm gonna have another pile that I'm gonna chuck out at the very last possible moment.
So when it comes to it they'll just sort of have to wheel me out, like that, and I'll be, like, in a long dressing gown, or something, with a bow, or something, possibly in one of those you know those big wicker wheelchairs, and they'll just wheel me out squeaking across the lawn, it's a big green lawn with, like, stone steps.
I don't know where I am, Roger, it's just this is how I see it in my mind.
And then they have to help me heave myself up to tip it all onto the bonfire.
It's just me and three silent attendants.
I don't see you there, sorry, Roger.
And then I say, "You'll need these.
" And that'll be my will, my driving licence, a little note to explain that I want the coffin built out of very thin wood in case they bury me alive and I want them to hear me knocking, and then I'll just die.
Right.
Well, then, what we actually need is a filing system that works.
Yes, we will.
Bam, bam, bam, everything labelled, one, two, three! Red, white, blue! You see, I don't like it when you're like this, you're quite frightening.
Yes I am! That's me, organised.
No, no, no.
I'm not like that at all, am I? - No.
- Neither of us are.
We're just hopeless.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, it's Hoover.
It's here.
It's here, Roger.
This is it.
I think I've found it.
I'm shocked.
I think we've hit a bit of good luck here, Rog.
Here, have a look at it.
Is that it? I'm in shock! Is that the right make and model? Is it? - Yes, it is! - Is it? My God.
I'm staggered.
You see? That's what I said.
Keep everything.
- That's the guarantee.
- It's unbelievable.
- I'm stunned.
- We've gone straight to it.
No, I'll tell you what we've done, we've gone straight to it! I am never, ever gonna doubt my filing system ever, ever again.
We've gone exactly to where we said it would be.
We said it would be in the big drawer and it is.
- Yep.
- Yes it is! - What have I done? - You've torn up the guarantee.
- What did I do that for? - I don't know.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
I've torn up the guarantee.
Val, may I congratulate you on a splendid act of political defiance.
- I have no memory of it! - Well, there are the bits.
Well, it wasn't conscious.
It was subconscious.
I've obviously wanted to do it.
That's what subconscious is.
You want to do it more than you want to do what you consciously want to do.
I came here tonight thinking I was the legal rebel.
I gotta hand it to you, Val, you have matched me.
- Thanks, Rog.
- No.
It was a fine act.
You too have cried, "Is this legal? And if it is, is it fair?" - Mm.
Mm.
- Welcome, my honeymoon camper van.
- Long and straight was your path.
- Yes.
- And true were your passengers.
- Yes.
We've chosen the path of field-trip stones and bank charges and independent but awkward hoover shops.
- I didn't choose the hoover shop, Roger.
- Absolutely, Val.
I'll try and return the Hoover when I've sellotaped the guarantee back together.
Yeah, great.
Right, let's shove this back in the drawer.
Right.
Get rid of this.
We'll do this later.
Yes.
That's all right.
Pick up all the bits, please, Roger, and put them all on top of the microwave.
- Have you got all the bits? - Yeah, I got them.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Right.
Kitchen.
It's so ironic that this is about a hoover.
And we've been dealt the filthiest of deals.
- Now, sellotape, sellotape - In the big dish.
Got it.
- No, wait for me to do that, Roger.
- Nah, it's fairly straightforward.
No, you'd be best, Roger, to back that with card.
I don't think so.
There's writing on the back, how would he see it? He probably won't accept it, will he? - Is it legal, Roger? - Well, my guess is yes, because if you sellotape a bank note together it's still legal tender.
I've played Hawker right back into the game, haven't I? Yes, you have.
You've given him every excuse to carry it on.
- Normal? - I don't know.
I don't know any more.
I tell you what, I'm never gonna let this happen again.
Every new thing we buy from now on, I'm gonna file the guarantee.
Because tearing it up is good, but it could cost us 150 quid.
Well, if it does, we'll just chalk it up to experience.
We're not gonna chalk it up to experience.
We're in our 50s.
This is our experience.
"No probs, who cares? Just leave it, camper van, yeah.
" Mind you, I'd much rather be us.
Organisationally, I mean.
Wouldn't you? Organisationally, I'd much rather be us.
- Oh, much rather be us, organisationally.
- Yeah.
Do I want to be with a woman who tears up her hoover guarantee? Yeah, I do.
I find it stirring.
We're all right, we're all right.
Mm.
I think it's much better than out there, in here.
- What's the nosh? - Er, home-made burgers.
Superb.
Come on.
Ooh, you can have this.
Oh, thanks.
What about if I went into the hoover shop tomorrow and I said, "Mr Hawker? "I've found my guarantee, here it is" and I gave him this.
Just to underline the ridiculousness of the whole thing.
- Yes! - What would he do? Nothing.
Except fail to understand your excellent point.
Hm.