Romantically Challenged s01e02 Episode Script

All right, counselor, I've got one for you.
How about this? I'm on trial for robbing a bank.
They found a gun registered in my name.
However, I reported it stolen - a week before the crime.
- Mmm.
- Can you get me off? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can get you - Oh! Nice try, Shawn.
- Ugh, so close! And I'm not gonna say "penal system" - or "witness box" either.
- Ugh.
- Hey, Rebecca.
- Hi.
- Hey, buddy.
- Did you eat all my pudding? Well, that depends.
Are you angry or impressed? Man, I needed that pudding.
You know I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow, that's all I was gonna be able to eat for a week.
Well, don't worry about it, on the way to pick you up from the dentist tomorrow, I'll buy you some more.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Now I just need your credit card number.
What? I'm sorry, man.
I thought I had it memorized.
Well, that's so great.
No, I'm so happy for you.
Mnh-mnh.
You have a nice life then.
Who was that? - You guys remember Hot Guy David? - Yeah.
Apparently there's a Mrs.
Hot Guy David.
- Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
- Eh, whatever.
But on the bright side, he said our three-night stand might have saved his marriage.
I I think that you need to go out with a nice guy.
I think you can do a little better.
All right, fine.
I'll have sex with your sister.
- I just said, she can do better.
- Yeah, but in my defense, - you only said, "a little better.
" - Mm.
How about the new waiter guy? That guy is really friendly, - and he was kinda flirting with you yesterday.
- Mm? Mnh.
What about that guy? The guy with the mullet and the churro? Or as I like to call him, "The Future Mr.
Guy I Had Sex with Twice.
" Please, please just give a nice guy a chance.
Please.
All right, fine.
I'll go out with waiter boy.
Watch.
He'll be here in five seconds.
Five Four Three You're early.
Resinc by JesKa So you're sure you know where the dentist's office is? Yes, Perry.
I know where the office is.
Oh, and, hey don't worry about the dentist fondling you while you're sedated.
Uh, it's probably just an urban legend.
Wait.
What are you What are you talking about? Huh? Oh, I can't hear you, I'm going through a tunnel.
- You're s a bye.
- What? What is that? "Dentist.
" Yeah.
I know.
Uh "Dentist.
" Uh, "Dentist" and "Dentist.
" and "Did you see the post-its?" No, Perry, I haven't forgotten.
Oh, and if I had, uh, there's another helpful reminder on my car.
Good-bye.
- Oh, hey, let me help you with that.
- Thank you.
You're very welcome Melissa Mac Barbara - Sarah.
- Gonna be my next guess.
Shawn.
So, uh, vegan ribs, huh? You know, I actually find these more satisfying than the real thing.
I do, too.
Are you a vegetarian? And then some, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, see you tomorrow, everybody.
Bye! Bye, Evan.
Bye, Talon, Har Rebecca? What the hell lo are you doing here? - Shouldn't you be lawyering? - I couldn't wait.
I was too excited.
How did your date with Neil go? - Waiter guy? - Yeah.
- Horrible.
- Really? Yes.
I mean, he was, like, pulling out chairs, opening up doors, he kept offering me his coat Ooh.
And you didn't try to mace him? Trust me, Bec.
He was a total loser.
Oh, Ellie, your lunch box.
Here, pumpkin.
Wait.
So you think he's a complete loser because he was too nice to you? - Exactly.
- I should've known you were gonna do this.
Do what? Blow off a perfectly nice guy to go back to the creeps you always date.
- I don't always date creeps.
- Mnh.
Why can't you trust my judgment on this? Because the last time I saw you with a nice guy was in high school, and he was our teacher.
Please, just give Neil another chance.
No.
No, I am a grown-up, and I can make my own choices now.
I don't need my big sister making them for me.
- Ok.
You're you're right.
I'll stay out of it.
- Thank you.
Or I won't.
Shawn? Shawn? Where are you? Where are you, Shawn? You're You're Minutes late.
So I guess the toughest part about being at the ashram in India was seeing all the beggar children.
You know, I just I couldn't help them all.
But you came up with that irrigation system.
No, you're right.
I guess I did help them all, so thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
I totally lost track of time.
I should get these into the fridge.
- Um - Of course.
Do you maybe wanna help me bring them back to my place, or Uh, yeah, sure.
I got nothing else to do, so 125 street, please.
- Where? - 125 street, please.
- What? - 125 street! You don't have to swear at me, sir.
That you understood? Hi, Neil.
I'm not sure if you remember me.
Of course I do, - you're Lisa's sister.
- Yeah.
I had the best time on our date.
I called her, but I haven't heard back yet.
Yeah, about that, can I talk to you for a second? Well, I was about to go to the bathroom, but I can hold it.
- Shall we sit? - Sure.
Oh That's very sweet.
What a gentleman.
So, um, here's the thing about Lisa She's not used to dating guys that treat her well.
Oh, that's terrible.
She's such a sweet girl.
Yeah, I agree, but y you know, sometimes she just doesn't know what's best for her.
Mm.
The air conditioning just kicked in.
Are you cold? - No, not really.
- Well I don't want to take any chances.
There we go.
I'm sorry I'm sorry that I don't have anything warmer.
That's so sweet.
Uh, a anyhow, as I was saying, I I really think that you are gonna need to be persistent with Lisa.
- You know? So ask her out again.
- Ok, I will.
I still feel like you're cold.
I have a fleece in my car.
It's only six blocks away.
- Wait.
No, no.
I I'm ok, really.
- No, I'm back in two minutes.
Oh, you're crazy.
Ok, uh Hey, Perry? Perry! - Judas! - Oh! Ah Hey, buddy, you got home ok.
That's great.
Yeah, no thanks to you.
I am so sorry, man.
I screwed up.
But but here's the thing I met this girl.
Oh.
Oh, that's right, 'cause in Shawn world, random girl beats best friend every time.
No! No no no, you you don't understand.
It you know, she was out in the street, she was all alone, she was in a real bind - and she needed help getting home.
- I was in a bind, too.
Yeah, but she was hot and does the yoga! Just face it, Shawn.
You don't really care about anybody but yourself.
What? That's so not true.
I don't know why you're making such a big deal about it.
So I, what? I made one mistake.
- Oh! Oh, just the one mistake? - Yeah.
One mistake.
That's it? Okay, then let me ask you a question.
Where's my puddin'? Coming.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Can I stay here tonight? Perry kicked me out.
- Yeah, of course.
Come in.
- Thanks.
I just got a new mattress for the pullout.
Oh, no.
That sounds uncomfortable.
Tell you what? Why don't you come upstairs and sleep in your bed with me? Oh, thank you.
Hey, thanks for letting me stay, Bec.
You know, I I would've gone to a hotel, but, you know, I'm kinda broke, and I keep forgetting Perry's credit card number.
Have you spoken to him yet? - No, not yet.
- Has he ever kicked you out before? No.
Well, once he didn't speak to me for two days because I gave his spare key to a woman I was certain was Kirsten Dunst, but it turns out, she was just someone who steals stuff.
So what's your plan? I mean, not that you can't live here forever, because that would be like a dream come true.
You're too kind, but, no.
You know, when we fought in the past, I usually just give him a little time to cool off.
Then I bring a six-pack home, and we talk it out which means I drink the six-pack, and he talks it out.
You know, and then things pretty much go back to normal, so I'll be out of your hair pretty soon.
I hope so, because that whole naked sleepwalker routine's gonna get old real fast.
That is a real condition! - Hey, Lisa.
I was wondering if maybe you would like - to go out again sometime.
- No.
Mm.
I think you're just saying that 'cause you're not used to dating nice guys.
- What makes you think that? - A little bird told me.
- What "little bird"? - A parakeet.
It was your sister Rebecca.
I can't believe she would go behind my back like that.
I She specifically said that she would stay out of my business.
Well, ma'am I am putting my foot down.
You and me, tomorrow night.
- Not gonna happen.
- Fair enough.
It's me! - Come in.
- Hi.
I brought you pudding and wanted to come by and see how you were recovering after your surgery.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
See, you remembered.
You must be one of those things they call I know there's a name for it Oh, that's right friend.
- You know, he's staying with me.
- How's that going? Well, Shawn is Shawn.
He tried to pull this whole naked sleepwalking routine.
That is a real condition, you know.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about him.
Really? I mean, you've had a day to cool off.
Aren't you ready to have your make-up beer and patch things up? Well, why would you say that? Well, that's what Shawn said.
Really? He said that? Is it too late to say that he didn't? Hmm.
Interesting.
Ok, so he All right.
That's good.
So he was just Ok.
All right.
- He just thought this would blow right over, huh? - Well, that's how it usually works, you know.
- He screws up, and you let him off the hook.
- Oh, ok.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
I've been too easy on him.
You know, if he doesn't understand how angry I am, then maybe I just need to do something to make it be a little clearer.
Ooh.
Butterscotch.
My favorite.
Thanks.
Hey, sissy! - Hi.
- Oh.
Mmm.
Thanks.
Listen, Rebecca, I wanted to talk about this whole Neil thing.
Really? Why? Did he ask you out again? No.
Have, uh have you seen him? No, no.
You know, in fact, I was actually thinking that it was wrong of me to interfere in your dating life, you know.
If you don't want to go out with Neil, you shouldn't have to.
Really? What, uh, made you decide that? Well, it's, you know It's just something I was thinking about.
Oh.
Ok, well I've been doing some thinking, too, and I've realized that Neil is just definitely not right for me.
That's totally fine, honey.
- Really? - Yeah.
But maybe he's right for you.
Uh, no, I I really don't think that, yeah, that's a good idea.
So he's good enough for me, - but he's not good enough for you? - No, no.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Ok, well, then I'll set it up.
We'll double.
Double? Oh, I'll be there.
I wouldn't miss your guys' first date for the world.
Hey, buddy, I brought make-up beer.
Perry, did you change the lock? Oh, my God.
And you threw all of my stuff out of the apartment? Well, I'm so sorry my date's running a bit late.
He's in surgery.
Oh, is he a doctor? Sure.
Listen, I just have to say it it is so great that even though you and I have a past, tou're still ok with me taking out your sister.
Well, one of us had to snatch you up.
And I'm so happy it's you, sis.
Wait.
What is that? Is someone hungry? 'Cause I just heard your stomach make a tiny, cute noise.
- Sound familiar? - Uh I'm gonna run and get the waiter.
- No, no, Neil.
I can I can wait.
- Oh.
All right.
Uh, may I? Uh, yeah, sure.
You know what, Neil? She may not be hungry, but uh, - maybe she's thirsty.
- Oh, you are? What would you like? Water? Coffee? Ooh, tea.
Chamomile? English breakfast? Darjeeling? Jasmine? Lapsang souchong? Please stop naming teas! Oh, come to think of it, No, she doesn't look thirsty at all.
However, she does look a bit tense.
Neil? Oh, maybe someone needs a visit from the ten little tender menders.
No.
Aah! Neil, I'm ok, really.
You're right.
You know, it's not in your shoulders.
Lemme at those piggies! Aah! Oh, my God.
Neil Will you please give us a minute? Take three.
I owe you an apology.
You do.
You went behind my back.
I know.
It's just sometimes, because I'm your big sister, I think I know what's best for you, But I but I don't, you know, - and from now on, I will trust your judgment.
- Thank you.
Yeah, and I just want you to know, this all came from a good place.
- I want you to be happy.
- I know you do.
And I promise to never doubt you again.
I mean, this guy is even worse than you said.
- He's unbearable.
- Uh Sorry, Neil.
No, it's my fault for hovering.
What happened to you? I had my wisdom teeth removed.
That's right.
I was thinking and thinking, and I realized that the only way I could show you how bad I felt was to go through what you went through.
It was pretty hard to find a dentist who would remove perfectly healthy teeth, but he was moved by my story.
Did ya buy it for even a second? No, Shawn.
This isn't a joke, man.
I'm sorry.
I I mean, I I'm beginning to see what our friendship is really about now.
- I I give and give, and you take and take.
- What? That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
You don't give a damn about me.
- That's what you think? - Yes, that is what I think.
- Really? - I think I think that.
- Really? - Really.
So Please.
- Fine.
You know what? If if I don't give a damn about you, then how come I know that you like to have the first cup of coffee out of the pot, because after that you think it gets all burn-y Or that you like to throw your towel in the dryer before you get in the shower so that when you come out, it's all nice and warm Or that you hold the phone up to your right ear because your left ear is still a little deaf because of the firecracker that went off when we were kids? Uh, which I'm sorry about, too, by the way.
And how come I know that you plan the guest list for your fantasy wedding every single night before you go to sleep? And, uh I hope to God I'm still on it.
I'm sorry I let you down, Perry.
I know you are, buddy.
I know.
I Now get the hell out.
Yes, please.
No, I'm joking! I'm joking.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Of course you're still invited to my fantasy wedding.
But I stuck you at table six.
Hey, that's fine.
Just save the last dance for me.
So I, uh, heard you tried the old naked sleepwalker routine on Rebecca.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for, uh, backing me up on that, - by the way.
- No problem.
Hey, you want me to order a pizza? Sounds good.
I'll give you my credit card.
No, no.
Not this time.
I got it memorized.
Is he here? I can't see him.
Guys, we cannot keep doing this.
We're gonna have to find a new place to hang out.
No, you're not.
I was worried you guys would think this was awkward if I was still here, so I fired myself.
Oh, y you didn't have to do that.
No, it's ok.
I'm gonna try to get my old job back Pittsburgh P.
D.
, gang unit.
You were a cop? Till I got suspended for brutality, yeah.
You know what? Maybe we should go out again.