Ronny Chieng: International Student (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Someone Who Leaves.
PROFESSOR DALE: Morning everyone, and welcome to your first day of law school.
- I'm Ronny.
- I'm Asher.
Law is about conflict.
- Argh! - (GLASS SMASHES) I want you to write 1,000 words on conflict resolution, based on my book, which is not available in bookstores.
DANIEL: I've got an idea.
How about none of you get the book and all of you fail? You, uh, like to wrap the old laughing gear round a couple of frothies? What?! His family have won the drinking contest for three generations.
I'll enter a team to play against you, and if we win, you give us the text book.
- You have a drinking team? - Yes.
(SPLUTTERS) (GLASS SMASHES) You guys have one hour to sober up.
Personally, I would recommend a kebab.
Followed by a long vomit.
- What's your team name? - Uh, I don't know.
Guys? I don't give a fuck.
I'll put that down for now but you might want to workshop it.
Yesterday, I got off a plane really looking forward to studying in your country.
Now, today, to do an assignment, I have to drink beer faster than a bunch of idiots.
(CHEERING) (ASHER VOMITS) Oh, go, you good thing! Are you sure you don't want to go hang out with your friends? I think I am hanging out with my friend.
Ronny Chieng: International Student S01xE01 Air Date 07 June 2017 Guest: (N.
) Someone Who Leaves.
Uh, so, this is the front door.
And this is the rec room.
- Hmm.
- Hey, guys.
(VIDEO GAME BLEEPS) This is the mah-jong table.
Ho! Ooh (OTHERS GROAN) And this is the bathroom! Oh, shit, Sorry, Joderick.
- Joderick? - (GAGS) Like Jon plus Derrick? And this is the kitchen.
And that's International House.
Thanks for the tour! Is it okay that I'm here? - Yeah.
Of course.
- I just don't want to intrude.
You're not intruding.
You're my guest.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - What the fuck is she doing here? Hi, Elvin.
Good to see you again.
Who give you permission to bring the guest? - You think this hotel, huh? - I live here.
I can bring whatever guests I want.
Why are you so scared of expanding your social circle? That's how it start.
You let one tourist in, then they all start coming.
Next thing you know, you be colonised.
What are you talking about? That's what happened in Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore.
You should know that.
(KNOCKING) WOMAN: Hello? Is that another one of your guests? I don't know! Can I help you? Uh, Karen Ford, Student Administrator? Oh, hi, Karen.
This is Craig, the American international student who was supposed to be here last week.
He won't be late again, will he? No, ma'am.
Hey, guys! Psyched to be down here in Australia.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- Hey.
Can someone show him around? ELVIN: Do we get extra credit for it? - No.
- Well, then, why I do? I'll show him around.
It's always nice to meet new people! - Hey, I'm Ronny.
- Craig Cooper - I'm Asher.
- Hey.
How are you? Okay.
Craig's in room 310.
And remember, keep it considerate in here.
Okay? Okay.
Will do.
- (DOOR OPENS) - So, how are you one week late? I know, right? Yeah.
You you should.
Man, I'm telling you, that flight was crazy awful.
- Take off your shoes! - ELVIN: Take off your shoes! You're practically shitting in the house right now.
Sorry.
Sorry.
So This is how you do things in the international frat, huh? Yeah, it's not a frat.
It's more like student accommodation.
Let me show you around.
This is the front door.
- This is the rec room.
- (VIDEO GAME BLEEPS) This is the mah-jong table.
Going for shi san yao! Nice.
OTHERS: Oooh.
And this is the bathroom.
Oh, goddammit, Joderick! Learn to close the door.
- Hey.
- Hello.
And this is the kitchen.
Wow.
Sweet digs.
Hey! (IMITATES AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) This is not a knife! This is a knife! Am I right? What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, what's this? Food? - Is this communal? - That's not for sharing! - I make that! - Oh! My God! Did you make this? Delicious! So light and flaky! If I have a birthday, you're making the cake! Stop touching my tarts! Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, man.
Don't worry, Craig.
Some people are just unwelcoming.
Let me show you to your room.
Sure thing.
Fucking colonists.
So, what's the mix here at International House? Any Brazilians? Russians? Colombians, right? Not exactly.
And what was that dessert I had? It was awesome.
Oh, that was an egg tart.
Yeah, yeah, but what was it made of? Uh egg? Man! I did not know egg could taste like that.
Hope I wasn't pissin' that guy off? Oh, you probably were, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Everyone does eventually.
Well, I mean is there anything I can do? I don't want to rock the boat here.
Yeah, you could just try talking a little softer.
Oh.
Got it.
Drop the decibels.
Don't upset the frat.
Also, it's not a frat.
310 right? Right.
This is you, man! Nice! RONNY: Ow! Ohh! Whoo! So, this is where the magic happens.
Am I right? Are you talking about sex? You're damn right I am.
So how many people do you think are gonna come tonight? - What to your dick? - No! Here.
To the party.
I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to study! Okay, first of all, I don't know how far a mile is, and second of all, you cannot have a party here.
- It's against college rules.
- Yeah.
Can you imagine? Elvin would lose it.
Okay.
What if I had just a few guests? Well, yeah, you can have a few guests.
Like, anyone who lives here can have guests.
Great.
Okay, I'll ask a few guests.
- Yeah, what what does that mean? - You know Just a few guests.
Definitely not having a party.
Yeah, you don't have to air quote that.
You can have a few guests, but you cannot have a party.
I don't know how to make this any clearer.
I got you.
No party.
I don't know why you're touching your nose, but I don't like it.
Man, just having a few friends, not having a party and this place is definitely not a frat.
Yes, there is no double meaning here.
You cannot have a party.
And no more than two guests.
I got it! You say that but I feel like you don't? Man I totally hear you.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Fuck! Oh my God! These egg tarts are awesome! Elvin should sell these for money! Yeah, if there is a kitchen left to make them in.
I specifically told Craig not to have a party! It's not that bad.
At least everyone's obeying the no-shoes rule! Yeah, sure, no shoes but feel free to vomit in the rice cooker! (LAUGHS) Come on! You're always complaining - Sorry.
It's too loud.
- About how insular.
- Turn it down man.
It's too loud.
- International students are.
And now you've got a bunch of outside guests here to experience your culture.
STUDENTS: (CHANT) USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! - Craig - Yo, sick party, bro.
How good's this (SLURS) 'shwang ching lao hua'? It's shao hsing cooking wine.
And you shouldn't drink it.
It's very high alcohol content.
Oh, is it? Hey, what what do you call these? They're delicious! Those are Elvin's egg tarts.
(SLURS) 'Owin yeeg duart' 'duart'? Sure.
Close enough.
I hope you asked him for permission before you ate them.
STUDENTS: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! - Yo.
Craig! - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! See! I told you this would happen! You bring in one guest, next thing you know Yeah, yeah.
I know.
Colonisation! They spoil our resource and corrupt our tradition! And someone steal all my egg tarts! Who allowed Craig to bring all the guests, huh? Okay.
I'll go talk to him.
All right? Yo, Craig! I very clearly said no more than two guests! Do you not speak English or something? Ronny! No, hey No, no, I can read between the lines, man.
- Back at my old frat, we used to - This isn't a frat! You've got to ask everyone to leave! Now! (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) Okay.
I think I got a solution.
Everyone! (CLEARS THROAT) - (FEEDBACK SQUEALS) - Hey, hey! Hey! Check, one, two! - Hey, everybody, listen up! - Uno momento.
Craig's got something important to say! Shh! Okay.
Now, it's come to my attention that some people here don't like the party.
(BOOING) But some people do.
(CHEERING) Now, I didn't fly 8,000 miles to not have a good time.
Thanks, Joe-Derrick.
WOMAN: What the hell is Joe-Derrick doing? Okay, so, how about everyone who doesn't want to party go to the north side of the house, okay? And those who want to have a good time, come over here to the south.
(CHEERING) WOMAN: Yeah! Cheers! See? This is exactly what happened back home.
They turn the south against the north.
Craig! Yo! Craig! You gotta stop this party, man! Look, I know you want us to stop the party, okay? But if we do it too soon, it's gonna cause instability in the house.
- What?! - So I propose a gradual exit strategy.
I promise there'll be a full withdrawal by the morning.
That sounds perfectly reasonable! Turn down for one! (CHEERING) No! No.
Get off the raft! ELVIN: Go back! Go back to where you come from! No! You're not WEI JUN: Stay! Stay in the south! (GROANS) Good job on showing Craig around.
What you say, huh? Welcome to International House.
Feel free to fucking destroy it! How is this my fault? Whoo! Awesome night.
Ronny! Thanks for letting me ask a few guests over, man.
It was more than a few guests.
Yeah! You think? Oh, and don't worry about these guys on the floor here.
I just thought it'd be easier for them to stay than go home before the party.
You mean after the party.
No, before the actual party.
That thing last night, it was just a pre-party.
The real party is tonight.
You colonised us.
And you let this happen.
No, no, no.
It's not colonisation.
It's globalisation.
Cross-cultural exchange at its best, man.
No, no, this American cultural imperialism.
And we taking our independence back.
- Wait, are you guys kicking me out? - Yes.
Whoa.
I'm sorry.
Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot, okay? - Was it that egg tart thing? - It's the whole thing! Come on, just look me in the eye and tell me you didn't have a good time last night.
We didn't have a good time last night.
We had a terrible time last night.
- It was awful.
- JODERICK: It was okay.
Listen, man, after flying 8,000 miles, wouldn't you rather go to a place that not only accepts your partying but, like, celebrates it? Some place you can be as loud and as disgusting as you want.
Where would I go? (SNORTS AND COUGHS) Morning! Sick parties, brah! Whoo! I don't know.
Maybe stay with Mick.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
There's heaps of room at Bradman House.
It's rad fun! Party never stops.
There's a party tonight.
But be warned.
This is Australia, mate.
We go (DEEP VOICE) hard.
Dude I go super-hard.
We go rock hard, mate.
Like a diamond on Viagra hard.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I go so hard, if I was in a car crash, my dick would survive intact, still hard.
Then you could use my dick to cut the other survivors out of the wreckage.
Okay.
That's pretty hard.
Okay, you're both really hard.
Just grab yourselves by the dicks and get out.
(MAN GROANS) Get out! Goddamn, they everywhere.
KAREN: Hello? No more guests! Yeah, the party's o Shit.
Mrs Fern? Ford.
Karen Ford.
Do you have any idea how many university conduct guidelines your little party violated last night? Yeah, about that, so that 10.
10 violations.
Unauthorised, "sick bitchin'", "totally lit" parties are a violation of your college occupancy agreements, and they're extremely inconsiderate to other students.
I couldn't agree more.
It was incredibly inconsiderate for that American student you brought here yesterday to organise this party without our permission.
You mean Craig? Yeah.
He's the one who's 100% responsible for this.
Actually, Ronny let him have the party.
I said he could have two guests.
Two guests? That's how parties start! That's what I say.
That's what I said.
So, where is Craig? Oh, yeah, he went with this guy, Mick.
He's got, like, no sleeves.
Oh, I see.
Easy to blame the person who's not here to defend themselves.
Uh actually, it's easy to blame the person who's totally responsible for something, yes.
Whatever it is, you can explain the whole thing to the Student Conduct Board.
Oh But we the victim of colonisation.
Anyone who is in my line of vision right now, I want to see you at the Conduct Board tomorrow, 1pm.
Too late.
I saw you.
Yeah, but what about Craig? Well, bring Craig along to the hearing and then we will get to the bottom of this.
Okay.
We'll bring Craig and you can talk to him yourself.
We've got nothing to hide.
MAN: (GROANS) Aagh! (SCREAMS) (MAN GROANS) See? Nothing to hide.
MAN: I think I've broken my clavicle.
Good! (MAN GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
That party was crazy! - How's the clean-up? - We keep finding people in cracks.
Yo, Craig got us in a lot of trouble with that party last night.
- Have you seen him? - No.
- I don't think he's here.
- (PHONE BUZZES) Oh, boy.
Hey, Mum.
- Hi, Ronny.
Where are you? - I'm in class right now, actually.
Are you spending all your time playing video games and partying? No.
Some people just don't know how to behave themselves, lah, when they move away from home for the first time.
Yeah, I think I'm old enough to have self-discipline, okay, Mum? Remember when you were little and we went to Disneyland? And you like it so much, you refuse to leave? Yeah, you slapped the shit out of me in front of everyone.
It hurt me more than it hurt you! But it worked! You know, you can't solve every problem with a child by beating the shit out of them.
You say that now, lah.
Wait till you have kids of your own.
Yeah, well, I'm never gonna do that to my kids.
You have kids? When? What did I tell you about pregnancy? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure you can't get pregnant through the ass.
- Right? So, don't worry about it.
- What?! Ronny! - What you talking about?! - Mum, I gotta go, okay? - Class is starting.
Love you.
Bye.
- Ronny?! Don't you dare! - Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
- Ronny! Where? Is that true? Oh, yeah, I saw a movie about it once.
- There's no ovaries in the anus.
- No.
- About your mum slapping you? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With Chinese people, you get in trouble for not beating your kids.
PROFESSOR DALE: Morning, everybody.
Property law.
More specifically, forced eviction.
Now they say a man's home is his castle.
But what happens if a man comes home and finds all of the locks on his castle have been changed in his absence, all of his possessions are strewn across the front lawn in some sort of statement of finality by his soon-to-be ex-wife? Am I then legally entitled to scale the perimeter of my castle? Well, am I?! JODERICK: Um Uh Uh No? And that was the opinion of the police.
Last night.
So, where's Craig, huh? The hearing's at one o'clock! He must be at Bradman House.
So, where's Bradman House? It must be on campus.
We'll just go to colleges and figure it out.
PROFESSOR DALE: It's not on campus.
What? It's a share house on Drummond Street, filled with degenerate students who have been kicked out of colleges for waging a constant war against hygiene and sobriety.
Why are you looking for that place? Oh, we had an American international student who turned our college into a frat party, so we sent him there.
You ever set fire to a giant pile of tyres? Uh, no, not lately.
The rubber fuels the fire, and it sucks in all the pure oxygen from around and belches out poisonous smoke that kills everything that comes near it.
That's Bradman House.
Okay, that's cool, but I actually really need those notes.
Sending a bloody American frat boy to live with a lot of hard-drinking Australians that's like pouring kerosene onto a tyre fire.
(FLAMES CRACKLE) Uh Should someone be putting that out? - (ALL COUGH) - No! Let it burn.
(FIRE ALARM BELL RINGS) (ALL COUGH) All right, I'm gonna go get Craig.
Who's with? ASHER: I'll come.
I can handle hard-drinking Australians.
I'll come too.
I think you need the backup.
No, no, no, no.
no.
I'm not going anywhere near there.
But tell him I want my egg tarts back.
Yo, just make some new ones, man.
Do I look like a fucking bakery? (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Okay.
I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that's Bradman House.
Are you eating egg tarts? I'm sorry.
I didn't have lunch.
- Do you have any more? - Yeah! - They are amazing! - I know! What does he put in them? Eggs! It's just eggs.
- Try some.
- No.
Let's go.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS) I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think my mum was right.
This is what happens when you live without self-discipline and no one tells you when to stop.
Oh, hey, man, come on in.
Welcome to the party.
Welcome, welcome.
Hey, Mick.
Is everyone okay here? Okay? Everyone's great, man.
This is the sickest party ever.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Okay, whatever.
Please don't tag me on Facebook.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not Facebook it's Snapchat.
It's it's in the now.
Snapchat's the now.
It's here one minute and then it's gone.
You know? It's living in the present.
No future.
No past.
Only the now.
Know what I'm sayin'? Sure.
We're all here, looking for Craig.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's our guest.
Don't you understand? Yeah.
I know what guests are.
They're great, but guests eventually leave.
Oh, no, no, no.
Craig's different, man.
He's a genius.
He combined beer pong, keg stands and boat races, man.
He figured out USA and AUS use the same letters, man! (LAUGHS) We're the same, man! We're the same Okay.
Where is he? I don't know.
Is he in here? He's not going anywhere, man.
- Look, I just need to speak to him.
- I said he's not going anywhere! Hang on a minute.
Is that an 'yeeg deyart'? Can I have a bite? They're delicious.
I'm so hungry! Wait, Wei Jun, how many egg tarts do you have? Um, I don't know.
Just a couple.
Whoa! You're the one who took all of Elvin's egg tarts? I'm sorry! I only meant to take one! But they're so light and fluffy, I couldn't stop myself.
All right.
Everybody listen up.
Hey, everybody.
Yo! - (MUSIC STOPS) - Listen up, everyone.
Hey I have a bag of egg tarts.
- Huh? - What? All right, fine.
'Yeeg durrrts'! - Ah! - Oh, yeah! I don't want any of you.
I just want the American.
He's inside.
Last room on the left.
All right let's go.
This ain't gonna last long.
Come on.
- (SHOUTING) - Guys? - Come on! - Oh - We'll hang here and hand them out.
- Mmm! (COMMOTION CONTINUES OUTSIDE) (MYSTICAL MUSIC) Craig? Hey, Craig? You in here? Craig? Craig Craig? Craig, is that you? Where are you from? It's Ronny from International House.
I lived there once.
Yeah, yesterday.
Remember you had a party there that almost destroyed the place after you specifically told me you would not do that! What do you want? Listen we all got into a lot of trouble because of that party, so we need you to come with us now to clear our names.
Why would I leave this place? Everyone's having such a good time.
That's all I want.
For people to always have a good time.
Yeah, but are you still having a good time, Craig? I always have a good time.
Right.
Listen, you can't only have good times, okay? You also need bad times.
If you just have good times, how will you even know you're having a good time? They all just become the same time.
- Right, let's go.
- I don't want to leave.
The party isn't over.
Craig, let's go, right now.
No.
What are you gonna do about it? Something my mum would have done a long time ago.
Aaaah! No! Aaah! Aaah! Oh! The horror! The horror! Aah! Ronny! Stop! Violence is never the answer! Okay, look, I know this looks bad but sometimes controlled violence with good intentions is the answer.
Aaah! Aaah! Wait! Wait! (SNIFFS) I know that smell.
Yeah! Remember? Egg tarts.
Do you want some? So exotic and delicious! Do you have any more? Yeah.
Uh, there is a lot more where that came from.
Just come with us.
What are these egg tarts made from again? Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Egg! Egg! (SLAPS REPEATEDLY) Egg! It's egg! You mother fucker! KAREN: Craig Cooper, did you hold a party at International House that violated the rules regarding public indecency, vandalism, environmental pollution, noise pollution and ethical treatment of animals? That sounds about right.
Okay.
These are very serious offences.
As punishment I give you one official warning.
Three warnings and you could face the Student Disciplinary Action Board.
So, what you're saying is I could have one more party before I get three strikes? - Yes.
- Awesome! Okay, the rest of you, you're in the clear.
- Oh! - JODERICK: Thank you.
Okay, very good, thank you very much.
Craig, you may return to International House.
Don't cause any more trouble there.
Don't worry, he won't, because we kick him out.
What do you mean? We all agree he have to go because he too American.
Uh, you do realise you have absolutely no authority to do that.
In fact that constitutes a level three ethnic discrimination violation, the penalty of which is one official warning to all of you.
ALL: No! ELVIN: But my record was spotless! Oh, that's it? That actually sounded like a pretty serious charge.
Whew! Well looks like I'm back.
Totally my bad for culturally colonising you guys.
You're right.
I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to do American things.
You mean you didn't fly 12,000 kilometres just to do American things.
Yeah.
Stop being so American! Hang on.
Didn't you guys just come all the way to Australia from Asia and just live exactly like you do back home? What? No! We experience Australian culture! I spend so much more time in the sun! Look at my tan.
Yeah, okay.
CRAIG: Just on that, what is the maximum number of guests I can invite to International House? Zero! This whole thing prove we can't just open up International House for whatever guests come in, because they start flooding in and destroy our way of life? From now on, we need strict vetting for every guest that come in.
Okay, okay, so what I'm hearing is two guests each.
No, man.
No more guests.
All right, I got you.
No, there's no non-verbal communication here.
No guests, no parties, nothing.
Ronny, Ronny, I totally hear you man.
Don't touch your nose! No! Zero.
Are you kidding me?! We just went through a fucking thing 'cause you wouldn't listen! - What about a small gathering? - No! - A quiet soiree? - Craig, I swear to God! PROFESSOR DALE: Two days till we play the medical students! And I am not gonna lose to those soft cocks for a third year running.
Why is Dale coaching? Because it makes him happy? Do some bloody work! So, you can just knee someone in the face? You can do anything if you mark the ball.
What's a mark? Honestly what is anything that's going on? - Wait, you play chapteh? - Do you guys play? DALE: Why are none of you people on my footy team? This is gonna revolutionise the game.
Okay, so, how exactly are these blow-ins supposed to help us win? You can't tackle a player who's not holding the ball.
Where the hell are Ronny and Elvin? I've been trying to call them all morning and I can't even get a ring.
MICK: I don't know what the law team are doing.
But whatever it is, it is not working.
If anyone knows where Ronny and Elvin are, get them!
- I'm Ronny.
- I'm Asher.
Law is about conflict.
- Argh! - (GLASS SMASHES) I want you to write 1,000 words on conflict resolution, based on my book, which is not available in bookstores.
DANIEL: I've got an idea.
How about none of you get the book and all of you fail? You, uh, like to wrap the old laughing gear round a couple of frothies? What?! His family have won the drinking contest for three generations.
I'll enter a team to play against you, and if we win, you give us the text book.
- You have a drinking team? - Yes.
(SPLUTTERS) (GLASS SMASHES) You guys have one hour to sober up.
Personally, I would recommend a kebab.
Followed by a long vomit.
- What's your team name? - Uh, I don't know.
Guys? I don't give a fuck.
I'll put that down for now but you might want to workshop it.
Yesterday, I got off a plane really looking forward to studying in your country.
Now, today, to do an assignment, I have to drink beer faster than a bunch of idiots.
(CHEERING) (ASHER VOMITS) Oh, go, you good thing! Are you sure you don't want to go hang out with your friends? I think I am hanging out with my friend.
Ronny Chieng: International Student S01xE01 Air Date 07 June 2017 Guest: (N.
) Someone Who Leaves.
Uh, so, this is the front door.
And this is the rec room.
- Hmm.
- Hey, guys.
(VIDEO GAME BLEEPS) This is the mah-jong table.
Ho! Ooh (OTHERS GROAN) And this is the bathroom! Oh, shit, Sorry, Joderick.
- Joderick? - (GAGS) Like Jon plus Derrick? And this is the kitchen.
And that's International House.
Thanks for the tour! Is it okay that I'm here? - Yeah.
Of course.
- I just don't want to intrude.
You're not intruding.
You're my guest.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - What the fuck is she doing here? Hi, Elvin.
Good to see you again.
Who give you permission to bring the guest? - You think this hotel, huh? - I live here.
I can bring whatever guests I want.
Why are you so scared of expanding your social circle? That's how it start.
You let one tourist in, then they all start coming.
Next thing you know, you be colonised.
What are you talking about? That's what happened in Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore.
You should know that.
(KNOCKING) WOMAN: Hello? Is that another one of your guests? I don't know! Can I help you? Uh, Karen Ford, Student Administrator? Oh, hi, Karen.
This is Craig, the American international student who was supposed to be here last week.
He won't be late again, will he? No, ma'am.
Hey, guys! Psyched to be down here in Australia.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- Hey.
Can someone show him around? ELVIN: Do we get extra credit for it? - No.
- Well, then, why I do? I'll show him around.
It's always nice to meet new people! - Hey, I'm Ronny.
- Craig Cooper - I'm Asher.
- Hey.
How are you? Okay.
Craig's in room 310.
And remember, keep it considerate in here.
Okay? Okay.
Will do.
- (DOOR OPENS) - So, how are you one week late? I know, right? Yeah.
You you should.
Man, I'm telling you, that flight was crazy awful.
- Take off your shoes! - ELVIN: Take off your shoes! You're practically shitting in the house right now.
Sorry.
Sorry.
So This is how you do things in the international frat, huh? Yeah, it's not a frat.
It's more like student accommodation.
Let me show you around.
This is the front door.
- This is the rec room.
- (VIDEO GAME BLEEPS) This is the mah-jong table.
Going for shi san yao! Nice.
OTHERS: Oooh.
And this is the bathroom.
Oh, goddammit, Joderick! Learn to close the door.
- Hey.
- Hello.
And this is the kitchen.
Wow.
Sweet digs.
Hey! (IMITATES AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) This is not a knife! This is a knife! Am I right? What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, what's this? Food? - Is this communal? - That's not for sharing! - I make that! - Oh! My God! Did you make this? Delicious! So light and flaky! If I have a birthday, you're making the cake! Stop touching my tarts! Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, man.
Don't worry, Craig.
Some people are just unwelcoming.
Let me show you to your room.
Sure thing.
Fucking colonists.
So, what's the mix here at International House? Any Brazilians? Russians? Colombians, right? Not exactly.
And what was that dessert I had? It was awesome.
Oh, that was an egg tart.
Yeah, yeah, but what was it made of? Uh egg? Man! I did not know egg could taste like that.
Hope I wasn't pissin' that guy off? Oh, you probably were, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Everyone does eventually.
Well, I mean is there anything I can do? I don't want to rock the boat here.
Yeah, you could just try talking a little softer.
Oh.
Got it.
Drop the decibels.
Don't upset the frat.
Also, it's not a frat.
310 right? Right.
This is you, man! Nice! RONNY: Ow! Ohh! Whoo! So, this is where the magic happens.
Am I right? Are you talking about sex? You're damn right I am.
So how many people do you think are gonna come tonight? - What to your dick? - No! Here.
To the party.
I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to study! Okay, first of all, I don't know how far a mile is, and second of all, you cannot have a party here.
- It's against college rules.
- Yeah.
Can you imagine? Elvin would lose it.
Okay.
What if I had just a few guests? Well, yeah, you can have a few guests.
Like, anyone who lives here can have guests.
Great.
Okay, I'll ask a few guests.
- Yeah, what what does that mean? - You know Just a few guests.
Definitely not having a party.
Yeah, you don't have to air quote that.
You can have a few guests, but you cannot have a party.
I don't know how to make this any clearer.
I got you.
No party.
I don't know why you're touching your nose, but I don't like it.
Man, just having a few friends, not having a party and this place is definitely not a frat.
Yes, there is no double meaning here.
You cannot have a party.
And no more than two guests.
I got it! You say that but I feel like you don't? Man I totally hear you.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Fuck! Oh my God! These egg tarts are awesome! Elvin should sell these for money! Yeah, if there is a kitchen left to make them in.
I specifically told Craig not to have a party! It's not that bad.
At least everyone's obeying the no-shoes rule! Yeah, sure, no shoes but feel free to vomit in the rice cooker! (LAUGHS) Come on! You're always complaining - Sorry.
It's too loud.
- About how insular.
- Turn it down man.
It's too loud.
- International students are.
And now you've got a bunch of outside guests here to experience your culture.
STUDENTS: (CHANT) USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! - Craig - Yo, sick party, bro.
How good's this (SLURS) 'shwang ching lao hua'? It's shao hsing cooking wine.
And you shouldn't drink it.
It's very high alcohol content.
Oh, is it? Hey, what what do you call these? They're delicious! Those are Elvin's egg tarts.
(SLURS) 'Owin yeeg duart' 'duart'? Sure.
Close enough.
I hope you asked him for permission before you ate them.
STUDENTS: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! - Yo.
Craig! - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! See! I told you this would happen! You bring in one guest, next thing you know Yeah, yeah.
I know.
Colonisation! They spoil our resource and corrupt our tradition! And someone steal all my egg tarts! Who allowed Craig to bring all the guests, huh? Okay.
I'll go talk to him.
All right? Yo, Craig! I very clearly said no more than two guests! Do you not speak English or something? Ronny! No, hey No, no, I can read between the lines, man.
- Back at my old frat, we used to - This isn't a frat! You've got to ask everyone to leave! Now! (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) Okay.
I think I got a solution.
Everyone! (CLEARS THROAT) - (FEEDBACK SQUEALS) - Hey, hey! Hey! Check, one, two! - Hey, everybody, listen up! - Uno momento.
Craig's got something important to say! Shh! Okay.
Now, it's come to my attention that some people here don't like the party.
(BOOING) But some people do.
(CHEERING) Now, I didn't fly 8,000 miles to not have a good time.
Thanks, Joe-Derrick.
WOMAN: What the hell is Joe-Derrick doing? Okay, so, how about everyone who doesn't want to party go to the north side of the house, okay? And those who want to have a good time, come over here to the south.
(CHEERING) WOMAN: Yeah! Cheers! See? This is exactly what happened back home.
They turn the south against the north.
Craig! Yo! Craig! You gotta stop this party, man! Look, I know you want us to stop the party, okay? But if we do it too soon, it's gonna cause instability in the house.
- What?! - So I propose a gradual exit strategy.
I promise there'll be a full withdrawal by the morning.
That sounds perfectly reasonable! Turn down for one! (CHEERING) No! No.
Get off the raft! ELVIN: Go back! Go back to where you come from! No! You're not WEI JUN: Stay! Stay in the south! (GROANS) Good job on showing Craig around.
What you say, huh? Welcome to International House.
Feel free to fucking destroy it! How is this my fault? Whoo! Awesome night.
Ronny! Thanks for letting me ask a few guests over, man.
It was more than a few guests.
Yeah! You think? Oh, and don't worry about these guys on the floor here.
I just thought it'd be easier for them to stay than go home before the party.
You mean after the party.
No, before the actual party.
That thing last night, it was just a pre-party.
The real party is tonight.
You colonised us.
And you let this happen.
No, no, no.
It's not colonisation.
It's globalisation.
Cross-cultural exchange at its best, man.
No, no, this American cultural imperialism.
And we taking our independence back.
- Wait, are you guys kicking me out? - Yes.
Whoa.
I'm sorry.
Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot, okay? - Was it that egg tart thing? - It's the whole thing! Come on, just look me in the eye and tell me you didn't have a good time last night.
We didn't have a good time last night.
We had a terrible time last night.
- It was awful.
- JODERICK: It was okay.
Listen, man, after flying 8,000 miles, wouldn't you rather go to a place that not only accepts your partying but, like, celebrates it? Some place you can be as loud and as disgusting as you want.
Where would I go? (SNORTS AND COUGHS) Morning! Sick parties, brah! Whoo! I don't know.
Maybe stay with Mick.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
There's heaps of room at Bradman House.
It's rad fun! Party never stops.
There's a party tonight.
But be warned.
This is Australia, mate.
We go (DEEP VOICE) hard.
Dude I go super-hard.
We go rock hard, mate.
Like a diamond on Viagra hard.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I go so hard, if I was in a car crash, my dick would survive intact, still hard.
Then you could use my dick to cut the other survivors out of the wreckage.
Okay.
That's pretty hard.
Okay, you're both really hard.
Just grab yourselves by the dicks and get out.
(MAN GROANS) Get out! Goddamn, they everywhere.
KAREN: Hello? No more guests! Yeah, the party's o Shit.
Mrs Fern? Ford.
Karen Ford.
Do you have any idea how many university conduct guidelines your little party violated last night? Yeah, about that, so that 10.
10 violations.
Unauthorised, "sick bitchin'", "totally lit" parties are a violation of your college occupancy agreements, and they're extremely inconsiderate to other students.
I couldn't agree more.
It was incredibly inconsiderate for that American student you brought here yesterday to organise this party without our permission.
You mean Craig? Yeah.
He's the one who's 100% responsible for this.
Actually, Ronny let him have the party.
I said he could have two guests.
Two guests? That's how parties start! That's what I say.
That's what I said.
So, where is Craig? Oh, yeah, he went with this guy, Mick.
He's got, like, no sleeves.
Oh, I see.
Easy to blame the person who's not here to defend themselves.
Uh actually, it's easy to blame the person who's totally responsible for something, yes.
Whatever it is, you can explain the whole thing to the Student Conduct Board.
Oh But we the victim of colonisation.
Anyone who is in my line of vision right now, I want to see you at the Conduct Board tomorrow, 1pm.
Too late.
I saw you.
Yeah, but what about Craig? Well, bring Craig along to the hearing and then we will get to the bottom of this.
Okay.
We'll bring Craig and you can talk to him yourself.
We've got nothing to hide.
MAN: (GROANS) Aagh! (SCREAMS) (MAN GROANS) See? Nothing to hide.
MAN: I think I've broken my clavicle.
Good! (MAN GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
That party was crazy! - How's the clean-up? - We keep finding people in cracks.
Yo, Craig got us in a lot of trouble with that party last night.
- Have you seen him? - No.
- I don't think he's here.
- (PHONE BUZZES) Oh, boy.
Hey, Mum.
- Hi, Ronny.
Where are you? - I'm in class right now, actually.
Are you spending all your time playing video games and partying? No.
Some people just don't know how to behave themselves, lah, when they move away from home for the first time.
Yeah, I think I'm old enough to have self-discipline, okay, Mum? Remember when you were little and we went to Disneyland? And you like it so much, you refuse to leave? Yeah, you slapped the shit out of me in front of everyone.
It hurt me more than it hurt you! But it worked! You know, you can't solve every problem with a child by beating the shit out of them.
You say that now, lah.
Wait till you have kids of your own.
Yeah, well, I'm never gonna do that to my kids.
You have kids? When? What did I tell you about pregnancy? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure you can't get pregnant through the ass.
- Right? So, don't worry about it.
- What?! Ronny! - What you talking about?! - Mum, I gotta go, okay? - Class is starting.
Love you.
Bye.
- Ronny?! Don't you dare! - Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
- Ronny! Where? Is that true? Oh, yeah, I saw a movie about it once.
- There's no ovaries in the anus.
- No.
- About your mum slapping you? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With Chinese people, you get in trouble for not beating your kids.
PROFESSOR DALE: Morning, everybody.
Property law.
More specifically, forced eviction.
Now they say a man's home is his castle.
But what happens if a man comes home and finds all of the locks on his castle have been changed in his absence, all of his possessions are strewn across the front lawn in some sort of statement of finality by his soon-to-be ex-wife? Am I then legally entitled to scale the perimeter of my castle? Well, am I?! JODERICK: Um Uh Uh No? And that was the opinion of the police.
Last night.
So, where's Craig, huh? The hearing's at one o'clock! He must be at Bradman House.
So, where's Bradman House? It must be on campus.
We'll just go to colleges and figure it out.
PROFESSOR DALE: It's not on campus.
What? It's a share house on Drummond Street, filled with degenerate students who have been kicked out of colleges for waging a constant war against hygiene and sobriety.
Why are you looking for that place? Oh, we had an American international student who turned our college into a frat party, so we sent him there.
You ever set fire to a giant pile of tyres? Uh, no, not lately.
The rubber fuels the fire, and it sucks in all the pure oxygen from around and belches out poisonous smoke that kills everything that comes near it.
That's Bradman House.
Okay, that's cool, but I actually really need those notes.
Sending a bloody American frat boy to live with a lot of hard-drinking Australians that's like pouring kerosene onto a tyre fire.
(FLAMES CRACKLE) Uh Should someone be putting that out? - (ALL COUGH) - No! Let it burn.
(FIRE ALARM BELL RINGS) (ALL COUGH) All right, I'm gonna go get Craig.
Who's with? ASHER: I'll come.
I can handle hard-drinking Australians.
I'll come too.
I think you need the backup.
No, no, no, no.
no.
I'm not going anywhere near there.
But tell him I want my egg tarts back.
Yo, just make some new ones, man.
Do I look like a fucking bakery? (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Okay.
I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that's Bradman House.
Are you eating egg tarts? I'm sorry.
I didn't have lunch.
- Do you have any more? - Yeah! - They are amazing! - I know! What does he put in them? Eggs! It's just eggs.
- Try some.
- No.
Let's go.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS) I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think my mum was right.
This is what happens when you live without self-discipline and no one tells you when to stop.
Oh, hey, man, come on in.
Welcome to the party.
Welcome, welcome.
Hey, Mick.
Is everyone okay here? Okay? Everyone's great, man.
This is the sickest party ever.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Okay, whatever.
Please don't tag me on Facebook.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not Facebook it's Snapchat.
It's it's in the now.
Snapchat's the now.
It's here one minute and then it's gone.
You know? It's living in the present.
No future.
No past.
Only the now.
Know what I'm sayin'? Sure.
We're all here, looking for Craig.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's our guest.
Don't you understand? Yeah.
I know what guests are.
They're great, but guests eventually leave.
Oh, no, no, no.
Craig's different, man.
He's a genius.
He combined beer pong, keg stands and boat races, man.
He figured out USA and AUS use the same letters, man! (LAUGHS) We're the same, man! We're the same Okay.
Where is he? I don't know.
Is he in here? He's not going anywhere, man.
- Look, I just need to speak to him.
- I said he's not going anywhere! Hang on a minute.
Is that an 'yeeg deyart'? Can I have a bite? They're delicious.
I'm so hungry! Wait, Wei Jun, how many egg tarts do you have? Um, I don't know.
Just a couple.
Whoa! You're the one who took all of Elvin's egg tarts? I'm sorry! I only meant to take one! But they're so light and fluffy, I couldn't stop myself.
All right.
Everybody listen up.
Hey, everybody.
Yo! - (MUSIC STOPS) - Listen up, everyone.
Hey I have a bag of egg tarts.
- Huh? - What? All right, fine.
'Yeeg durrrts'! - Ah! - Oh, yeah! I don't want any of you.
I just want the American.
He's inside.
Last room on the left.
All right let's go.
This ain't gonna last long.
Come on.
- (SHOUTING) - Guys? - Come on! - Oh - We'll hang here and hand them out.
- Mmm! (COMMOTION CONTINUES OUTSIDE) (MYSTICAL MUSIC) Craig? Hey, Craig? You in here? Craig? Craig Craig? Craig, is that you? Where are you from? It's Ronny from International House.
I lived there once.
Yeah, yesterday.
Remember you had a party there that almost destroyed the place after you specifically told me you would not do that! What do you want? Listen we all got into a lot of trouble because of that party, so we need you to come with us now to clear our names.
Why would I leave this place? Everyone's having such a good time.
That's all I want.
For people to always have a good time.
Yeah, but are you still having a good time, Craig? I always have a good time.
Right.
Listen, you can't only have good times, okay? You also need bad times.
If you just have good times, how will you even know you're having a good time? They all just become the same time.
- Right, let's go.
- I don't want to leave.
The party isn't over.
Craig, let's go, right now.
No.
What are you gonna do about it? Something my mum would have done a long time ago.
Aaaah! No! Aaah! Aaah! Oh! The horror! The horror! Aah! Ronny! Stop! Violence is never the answer! Okay, look, I know this looks bad but sometimes controlled violence with good intentions is the answer.
Aaah! Aaah! Wait! Wait! (SNIFFS) I know that smell.
Yeah! Remember? Egg tarts.
Do you want some? So exotic and delicious! Do you have any more? Yeah.
Uh, there is a lot more where that came from.
Just come with us.
What are these egg tarts made from again? Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Egg! Egg! (SLAPS REPEATEDLY) Egg! It's egg! You mother fucker! KAREN: Craig Cooper, did you hold a party at International House that violated the rules regarding public indecency, vandalism, environmental pollution, noise pollution and ethical treatment of animals? That sounds about right.
Okay.
These are very serious offences.
As punishment I give you one official warning.
Three warnings and you could face the Student Disciplinary Action Board.
So, what you're saying is I could have one more party before I get three strikes? - Yes.
- Awesome! Okay, the rest of you, you're in the clear.
- Oh! - JODERICK: Thank you.
Okay, very good, thank you very much.
Craig, you may return to International House.
Don't cause any more trouble there.
Don't worry, he won't, because we kick him out.
What do you mean? We all agree he have to go because he too American.
Uh, you do realise you have absolutely no authority to do that.
In fact that constitutes a level three ethnic discrimination violation, the penalty of which is one official warning to all of you.
ALL: No! ELVIN: But my record was spotless! Oh, that's it? That actually sounded like a pretty serious charge.
Whew! Well looks like I'm back.
Totally my bad for culturally colonising you guys.
You're right.
I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to do American things.
You mean you didn't fly 12,000 kilometres just to do American things.
Yeah.
Stop being so American! Hang on.
Didn't you guys just come all the way to Australia from Asia and just live exactly like you do back home? What? No! We experience Australian culture! I spend so much more time in the sun! Look at my tan.
Yeah, okay.
CRAIG: Just on that, what is the maximum number of guests I can invite to International House? Zero! This whole thing prove we can't just open up International House for whatever guests come in, because they start flooding in and destroy our way of life? From now on, we need strict vetting for every guest that come in.
Okay, okay, so what I'm hearing is two guests each.
No, man.
No more guests.
All right, I got you.
No, there's no non-verbal communication here.
No guests, no parties, nothing.
Ronny, Ronny, I totally hear you man.
Don't touch your nose! No! Zero.
Are you kidding me?! We just went through a fucking thing 'cause you wouldn't listen! - What about a small gathering? - No! - A quiet soiree? - Craig, I swear to God! PROFESSOR DALE: Two days till we play the medical students! And I am not gonna lose to those soft cocks for a third year running.
Why is Dale coaching? Because it makes him happy? Do some bloody work! So, you can just knee someone in the face? You can do anything if you mark the ball.
What's a mark? Honestly what is anything that's going on? - Wait, you play chapteh? - Do you guys play? DALE: Why are none of you people on my footy team? This is gonna revolutionise the game.
Okay, so, how exactly are these blow-ins supposed to help us win? You can't tackle a player who's not holding the ball.
Where the hell are Ronny and Elvin? I've been trying to call them all morning and I can't even get a ring.
MICK: I don't know what the law team are doing.
But whatever it is, it is not working.
If anyone knows where Ronny and Elvin are, get them!