Ronny Chieng: International Student (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Extension Quest
1 Ronny Chieng: International Student 1x04 "Extension Quest" June 28, 2017 And almost finished the last question here.
RONNY: And I'm pretty much done too.
I just have to compile the bibliography.
For the first time ever, it looks like we're gonna finish early! A whole day, in fact! BOTH: Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! Even more amazing, the fact that you got it done on that! What? It's retro vintage.
You can't say it like it's cool.
Just because it's old doesn't mean it's cool.
Like I don't know, apartheid is old.
Doesn't make that cool.
Well, not all of us can afford the latest gadgets.
I paid for this with my own money.
I'm just saying, I have an abacus that has more computing power than that.
Anyway I'm done.
Let me just save and make a backup.
What the hell is that?! Free software.
It came with the computer.
There's a bunch of old games here too.
Squirt Bird.
Turtle Stomp.
Crab Friends.
Mr Bread.
Wait, hang on.
Is that Is that Lizard Quest? First-edition labelling as well.
See? Told you it was cool.
This is a classic.
Whoopee? - You've never played this before? - No.
All right, let me show you.
You gotta see this.
Well, hang on.
Should I back up my work first? You've already saved, right? Yeah, backing up's for amateurs.
(SYNTHESISED 1980s GAME MUSIC) So, what's this about? Okay, it's this really cool old-school adventure game, right, where you complete quests.
So, for example, right now, you want the magic key, so you've got to go get the gemstone from the wizard and then put the gemstone into the statue, and then it turns around, reveals the secret dagger.
Then we All you're doing is collecting stuff and bringing it back to someone.
No, it's fun.
Look.
See? I just got the magic worm.
Can I please back up my stuff now? (COMPUTER BLEEPS, WHIRRS) Wait, what's happened? - (BEEP) - Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh"? "Uh-oh" what? What? Is that part of the game? COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- Oh, shit.
- It's some kind of weird old virus.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Are you kidding me?! Wait, hang on.
I can fix this.
Please don't wreck anything.
This take-home exam is due tomorrow.
I'm not gonna wreck it! Well, you already did.
This isn't my fault.
This is, like, an old computer.
The virus was probably dormant inside it, like bacteria in the Arctic.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Actually, believe it or not, I'm actually pretty good at computers.
- Okay, then.
- COMPUTER: by the sperm virus.
Trust me.
I'll have this fixed in no time.
(CRACKS KNUCKLES) Ha ha ha ha ha (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) (DETERMINED MUSIC) Sperm Sperm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sperm Sperm - Sperm - Yep.
Yep.
- Sperm, Sperm, Sperm, Sperm - Yep! Yes! Yes! - Fuck! - Huh? - What? Is it fixed? - No.
Not yet.
I'm working on it.
Ronny! The take-home exam is due at 5pm today! I know.
I can fix this.
I promise.
I just need a little bit more time.
Look, I might try and get an extension, just in case I have to start again from scratch.
Okay, but you're wasting your time! I'll have this fixed within the hour! (DOOR CLOSES) You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Shut up! (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) What department do you want to speak to? Oh.
Uh, my computer broke, so my assignment got deleted.
What department do you want to speak to? I'm having trouble with my computer.
Late payment of fees, termination of enrolment, special consideration I just need an extension for my take-home exam.
So, you want to apply for special consideration? Yes.
I think.
My computer got this virus.
Student name? Asher Angus.
Reason for special consideration? My computer got a virus, so I can't access my assignment.
Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.
It's your responsibility to back up your own data.
Oh, no, you don't understand.
It wasn't my fault.
The computer Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.
It's your responsibility to back up your own data.
But I was backing it up when it broke.
Computer problems are not a valid excuse for Okay! So, what would be a valid excuse? Medical issue.
Death in the family.
Military service.
Jury duty.
- Relationship breakdown - Yep.
That.
I just got out of a bad break-up and, uh it really distracted me from doing my work.
I'm sorry to hear that.
What was the reason for the break-up? He, uh Well, we um Sexually.
Yeah, there were sexual problems.
Just unable to connect in a sexual way.
Also, he cheated on me.
Many couples experience sexual incompatibility and infidelity.
- It's not your fault.
- Thank you.
So, is that it? You'll now need to provide proof of the relationship and break-up.
So, like, photos of my boyfriend sorry, ex-boyfriend? Photos.
Letters.
Emails.
All accepted.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) Sorry, what time were you open till? What department did you want to speak to? Are you serious? COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hey, guy.
What's going on? Not now, Joderick! I'm trying to fix a computer! Oh.
Have you tried, uh, rebooting it in safe mode? Yeah, of course! I think it's a virus.
Or tried the AVG AntiVirus? No.
I can't even get to a command line to run it.
Have you tried removing the hard drive and then accessing it from Yes! It doesn't show up! Well, if you're stuck I'm not stuck.
I'm still fixing it.
Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe you should go down to the basement.
- No! - To the never-ending LAN party.
No! Trojan Wang or one of the computer guys can fix this.
Those guys aren't computer experts.
They're just a bunch of gaming trolls.
And that place always smells like someone's shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well, if you want it fixed quick, it's worth a shot.
Otherwise, go get some professional help from the, uh campus computer shop.
No! I can fix this! (CHUCKLES) Okay.
COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Ha ha ha ha (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) - (GUNFIRE) - MAN: Take it! MAN: Yeah! You are going! Take it hard! - Whoo! Yeah! Suck my dick! - Bullshit! Shit! - Suck it! Whoo! Oh! - Yes! RONNY: Hey, guys? Uh I need some help here.
Oh, Ronny.
You back for another spanking, huh? - (OTHERS LAUGH) - Would you like to be spanked, huh? - Bad boy need to get a spanking? - (OTHERS JEER) - Whoo! Misbehaving, huh? - (LAUGHS) No, I need (SIGHS) some help with a computer problem.
That's 'cause you're a fuckin' noob and need help getting good! - Get good! - ALL: Get good! Get good! Get good! Get good! - Get good! - God! Okay! I'm a noob! I need help getting good! I suck! You guys rock! I'm at the mercy of your incredible microtwit skills.
I will straight up pay cash money to anyone who can help me fix this computer.
What is that, man?! I've got a 386 at home.
It can't even run Alley Cat and it's smaller than that piece of crap.
I see your problem, Ronnie.
That's a shitty rig! Yeah, okay.
The computer sucks.
Whatever.
It's not mine.
It's my friend's, okay? She's got a really important take-home exam on it ALL: Oooh! and we're just trying to get it out.
- Ooh la la! - A girl, eh? Huh? You want to get that ass, Ronny, huh? - Get that pussy? - You want to be on that ass? - Dirty boy, Ronny! - Smack that ass? She's just a friend.
I'm just trying to help her out.
Man, you need to get red-pilled.
Stop being a cock, man.
You ain't never getting out of the friend zone.
Okay, I'm in the friend zone! Whatever! Can you fix this computer or not? You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
- (ALL LAUGH) - Ha ha ha ha ha - This is the Sperm virus, man! - Yeah? It's a classic! Sperm! Why would you want to get rid of that? ALL: Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Okay, thanks for your help.
Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! (ALL SCREAM) Sperm! Ohh! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! So did they help? No! And they're terrible people.
You need a data recovery guy.
Those guys are even worse.
They're just rude, condescending idiots who treat people who ask for help like shit.
Plus, half the time, they don't even do anything.
They just charge people to find out they can't solve anything.
Bunch of goddamn mouth-breathing snake oil salesman.
Hey, Ronny.
Did you get my computer fixed? Not yet, but I'm working on it.
Well, seeing as you broke it, I need a small favour.
Well, I didn't break it, but I will fix it.
But if you don't, I need an extension by 5pm, so you have to pretend to be my boyfriend in a couple of photos.
What? Why? (SIGHS) Apparently the student admin doesn't give extensions for actual problems, so you have to make one up.
Okay.
That doesn't make any sense.
I know.
Now, smile in this photo while I kiss you on the cheek.
(CAMERA CLICKS) Okay.
And one more.
We're a couple and we're in love.
(CAMERA CLICKS) (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) And this will get you an extension? Hopefully, but if not, you'll have my computer fixed, right? Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
I got your back! COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha Hey, Joderick, what was the name of that campus computer shop? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Don't give me that sass.
KAREN: I can't accept these.
What do you mean, you can't accept these? They prove I was in a relationship.
They don't prove anything.
It's just photos of you and a man.
Anyone could stand next to a man and take his photo.
- But I'm kissing him.
- On the cheek.
What difference does it make? Section 12A of the code regarding extension on the grounds of relationship breakdown requires photographic evidence, e.
g.
open-lipped kiss on the mouth.
That's actually written down in the official rules? Yes.
You must bring me an image of you and your ex-partner kissing with open mouths.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) Okay, so, if I bring you a photo of us kissing with open mouths, would that work? - Yes.
- That's all I need? (SIGHS) Yes.
Great.
Do you need to see tongue? Can't hurt.
This side here, with all the colours, all the lights, pictures, all that, that's the side you've got to worry about, okay? This side here, the side with nothing, that's just the back.
You just forget about that side.
(MAN GRUNTS) - Hi.
- What do you want? Uh, I got a problem with this computer.
Obviously.
Why else would you be here? What's the actual problem? Um I need to recover a very important file from it.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Oh.
That's a pretty old machine, man.
Yeah.
It is.
You really should have backed up your data.
Yeah, well, I didn't, so let's just move on to the next step, yeah? Why didn't it happen? Okay, uh, not that it's relevant to the job, but, uh, I was in the middle of backing it up when we got hit by a virus that took out the whole operating system.
So, if you could just recover this really important file, - that'd be great, thank you.
- Hmm How do you know it was a virus? How do you know it wasn't just a hardware failure? Because I'm pretty good with computers.
Well, if you were, you wouldn't really be here, you know? Well, I don't really need a lecture right now.
I just kind of need you to do your job.
So, can you get this file out or not? Ehhhhhh Have you even tried restarting? Restart? That's what you're gonna go with? Yeah, obv Yes, I've tried restarting it, of course.
I'm not like someone's grandparent.
Okay? Well, your computer's as old as someone's grandparent.
Yeah, well, it's not my computer.
It's my friend's.
I'm just helping her recover a very important file that we need really urgently by today.
Okay.
I see what's going on.
You've got a friend who's a girl.
You're trying to help her fix her computer.
You're hoping you're gonna you're gonna cop a root? Eh? (CHUCKLES) What, do you think you're gonna get some ass? (LAUGHS) Ah.
Listen, man.
How about this? How about I pay you money and you shut the fuck up and do your job? - How about that? Is that easy or? - Oh, yeah, okay.
How about this? How about this, actually? If you're gonna be really rude, if you're gonna be a dick, you know, I've just got you on film, so Film me, then.
I'm being a dick? You're the dick! You're the one charging people to fix their computers when all they need is, like, malware removal or defragmentation.
Meanwhile, I come in with an actual computer problem, and guess what? You can't do shit! You can't do shit.
- I can do shit! - You can't do shit! If you were any good at computers, you'd be working at Google.
But you're here because you can't do shit! Yeah, well, keep yammering on.
Oh, this is going straight on YouTube.
Fine.
Put it on YouTube, man.
If you're gonna film it, I'm gonna film you.
Well, cool! Then you're filming me, I'm filming you! I'll film you filming me! Yeah, right.
Well, I'm gonna film you, then.
Everyone can see what shitty customer service looks like.
Okay, cool, well, I'm filming you and everyone can see what shitty customer.
looks like.
Great.
Well, you know what? I'm just gonna film you for eternity, then.
Well, that's fine.
We'll keep filming each other for eternity.
- Fine by me.
- It's fine by me, man.
I just uploaded all my photos, so I've got 64 gigs in this bitch! That's 10,000 hours of theoretical filming time! Ohh, as if, mate! Your battery's gonna run out way before then! I've got a charger.
I can charge my phone, I'm good to go! Oh yeah, well, lend me one of your chargers.
- No! - Damn it! Ronny? Ronny? - Joderick, do you know where he is? - No idea.
Shit! What time is it? Oh.
It's, like, uh 4pm.
God.
I need this extension processed by 5pm or I'm screwed.
Hey mate.
I've got a huge favour to ask.
Okay, so, I'm just trying to get a photo of me kissing Ronny so it looks like we used to go out, but he's not here, so can you please pretend to be Ronny in this photo? Yeah.
Sure.
- If I have to.
- Great.
Thanks.
(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY) ASHER: Mmm Oh, okay.
Great.
Perfect.
Thanks, mate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here? - Oh, hey! - Hey.
Is he - Are you dressed like me? - Yes I needed to get some more proof that you and me used to date, so I was looking for you to get some photos of us open-mouth kissing or whatever, but you weren't around, so I just got Joderick to do it.
Oh yeah, cool.
Well, I'm available now if you need more photos or something for accuracy or science.
No, I need to get that extension by 5pm.
How's the computer going? Yeah, um, about that actually Great! See you when I get that extension! Huh.
Yes, I can accept this as proof of relationship.
Thank you! Finally! So, now, can you please, please process my extension? Sure.
All I need is proof of the break-up.
- What? - All I need is proof of the break-up.
What? You said this was all I need.
I said that was all you need to prove the relationship.
Now you need to prove the break-up.
Okay, can you please, please, please tell me exactly, 100%, everything you need from me to get this done? A divorce certificate.
What? But I wasn't married.
Or your ex-partner can come in to corroborate.
That's insane.
It's not insane.
It's the procedure listed under section 13B.
So, you want me to bring the person I had such a bad break-up with that I'm now claiming psychological distress over in here to talk about how bad our break-up was? It's what the procedure requires.
I actually hate you.
You'd be surprised how often people say that.
Would I? I bet it's a lot.
Yeah.
It's a lot.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) - (RINGING TONE) - RONNY: Hello? Asher? - Ronny.
- Asher, I've got something to tell you.
- Me first, me first.
- No, listen.
I couldn't fix the computer.
- I've tried everything.
- It's okay.
No.
It's not okay.
The whole time, I ask you to trust me I could do it, and I couldn't do it, and now it's almost 5pm and you're gonna be late.
Ronny, shut up for a second.
I can write the whole thing from memory again, but I need an extension, and I only have five minutes to get it.
Just start running towards the admin office and I'll explain.
- What? - Ronny, just start running.
- Okay, great.
- I'm coming to get you.
- Turn around.
I'll meet you there.
- Okay.
Okay.
When you get to the admin building, I need you to say that you're my ex-boyfriend and that you had sexual problems and you cheated on me and we had a very bad break-up.
What?! That's what you need to say for me to get the extension.
Okay, but what kind of sexual problems? - It doesn't even matter.
- No, what are we talking about here? I wouldn't even know how to lie about that.
I've never had sexual problems.
In fact, I've only had the opposite.
I don't know! Just say your dick bleeds when you get hard.
What the fuck? It's a rare genetic disorder.
Oh, okay.
Then what about the cheating? - What about it? - I don't know.
What are the deets? What was her name? How long was I cheating for? How did you find out? This isn't The Wire.
Just make something up! All right, fine, but I broke up with you and you like the dick bleeding.
Okay.
I'm here.
Thank you so much! I mean you bastard! I never want to see you again! Ohh! (GASPS) Oh! Here he is! My ex.
(RONNY GASPS) Yeah.
I'm Ronny.
I'm her ex-boyfriend.
I know you from somewhere.
Yeah, International House.
We've met several times.
- No, somewhere else.
- Okay, whatever.
I'm her ex-boyfriend.
We broke up.
We're both very upset about it.
(PANTS) Oh, shit.
It affected her ability to do the assignment.
Can you please give her an extension? There.
You have confirmation.
Is it done? Okay, if you are her ex-boyfriend, you should be able to answer the questions on this form.
Okay, sure, whatever.
How long were you together? Uh (SIGHS) uh, two years.
And when did you break up? Last week.
Why? Oh, uh yeah, uh bleeding dick, and I cheated on her a lot with it.
And last question, why did you fall in love with her? - Why did I fall in love with her? - Yes.
If you were in a relationship, you should be able to answer that.
Just tell her.
- (WHISPERS) What? - Yes, tell me.
Okay.
I fell in love with her because she's a w wonderful person.
And I I love how she's always helping everyone around her.
Not because she wants something out of it, but just because she cares.
And I love how positive she is.
Like, even when I'm freaking out and everything is terrible, she just makes everything okay.
And I I even love how bad she is with technology.
Your computer's so shitty.
And that's cute.
That's super cute.
And I love how when I first met you, it was like meeting an old friend.
And I love how she never made me feel like I didn't belong or that I was different.
And I I just fell in love with everything about her.
Okay?! (SIGHS) Wow.
It seems like you really care for each other.
In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if you even broke up.
Oh oh, y-yeah, yeah, but yeah, but, you know, players gotta play.
This bleeding dick isn't gonna fuck itself.
You know, lots of girls want this, and I want to have sex with lots of women too, and also, her arms are too long and her face is weird and she can't cook.
See? He is a real dick.
I'm a huge dick.
- And we are through.
- Yeah, over! That's right.
That's where I know you from.
You're that guy on this video that everyone's been sharing.
What video? You're the dick! Get this on camera! You're the dick! You're the one charging people to fix their computers and all you're doing is just removing malware or, like, defragmenting their computer, when really, when someone comes in with an actual problem, you can't do shit! You can't do shit! Yeah, it's true.
They can't do shit.
When you go to these tech guys, all they do is just charge you Yeah, okay.
Yeah, that's me.
Yeah, that's how I roll.
You know, that's how I treat other humans.
You know what I'm saying? Come at the king, I strike back.
That's how I treat everyone.
That's how I treated her.
If you don't know, now you know.
Extension granted.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) (LAUGHS) Thank you! Also, Asher, this may be none of my business, but you're right to get rid of this guy.
He is a real piece of shit.
Whoa.
Thanks, mate.
You saved me in there.
Yeah, no problem.
Always happy to help.
All that stuff about you being in love with me.
Oh! Great acting.
It really sold the authenticity.
Yeah, yeah, acting.
Yeah, I'm a really good actor.
- It's one of my skills.
- Anyway I'd better get to work on the take-home exam.
Yeah, hey, you know, if you need help with that, I'm happy to come over and help you piece it back together.
Thanks, Ronny.
I really appreciate it.
Yeah, like I said, no problem.
Always happy to help a friend.
Friendship.
Whoo! (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) DANIEL: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Law Faculty comedy show, You Have the Right to Remain Funny! ASHER: You should audition with me.
I'm offering you a part in the show.
Thank you so much! (LAUGHS) I've got a character that I think you're gonna be perfect for.
Is it the 'Angry Asian Laundry Man'? Yeah, I wrote it specifically for you.
- Will you guys just bang already? - We're just friends, man.
WEI JUN: You might be friends now, but you are just one heartbeat away from looking at her differently.
You want to, like, go for a coffee or something? I'd love to, but Daniel just asked me to go work on some improv with him.
What are you gonna do on this date? I don't know.
I'll take her for dinner and I'll get her, like, a rose.
Why don't you just show up with a hockey mask and a machete? Ni hao, mates.
Welcome to W:east.
I don't know about mixing these two cultures.
They both work so well individually, but when you put them together, it kind of feels like it ruins them both.
- I have feelings for - Daniel said the same thing.
BOTH: What?
RONNY: And I'm pretty much done too.
I just have to compile the bibliography.
For the first time ever, it looks like we're gonna finish early! A whole day, in fact! BOTH: Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! Even more amazing, the fact that you got it done on that! What? It's retro vintage.
You can't say it like it's cool.
Just because it's old doesn't mean it's cool.
Like I don't know, apartheid is old.
Doesn't make that cool.
Well, not all of us can afford the latest gadgets.
I paid for this with my own money.
I'm just saying, I have an abacus that has more computing power than that.
Anyway I'm done.
Let me just save and make a backup.
What the hell is that?! Free software.
It came with the computer.
There's a bunch of old games here too.
Squirt Bird.
Turtle Stomp.
Crab Friends.
Mr Bread.
Wait, hang on.
Is that Is that Lizard Quest? First-edition labelling as well.
See? Told you it was cool.
This is a classic.
Whoopee? - You've never played this before? - No.
All right, let me show you.
You gotta see this.
Well, hang on.
Should I back up my work first? You've already saved, right? Yeah, backing up's for amateurs.
(SYNTHESISED 1980s GAME MUSIC) So, what's this about? Okay, it's this really cool old-school adventure game, right, where you complete quests.
So, for example, right now, you want the magic key, so you've got to go get the gemstone from the wizard and then put the gemstone into the statue, and then it turns around, reveals the secret dagger.
Then we All you're doing is collecting stuff and bringing it back to someone.
No, it's fun.
Look.
See? I just got the magic worm.
Can I please back up my stuff now? (COMPUTER BLEEPS, WHIRRS) Wait, what's happened? - (BEEP) - Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh"? "Uh-oh" what? What? Is that part of the game? COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- Oh, shit.
- It's some kind of weird old virus.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Are you kidding me?! Wait, hang on.
I can fix this.
Please don't wreck anything.
This take-home exam is due tomorrow.
I'm not gonna wreck it! Well, you already did.
This isn't my fault.
This is, like, an old computer.
The virus was probably dormant inside it, like bacteria in the Arctic.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Actually, believe it or not, I'm actually pretty good at computers.
- Okay, then.
- COMPUTER: by the sperm virus.
Trust me.
I'll have this fixed in no time.
(CRACKS KNUCKLES) Ha ha ha ha ha (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) (DETERMINED MUSIC) Sperm Sperm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sperm Sperm - Sperm - Yep.
Yep.
- Sperm, Sperm, Sperm, Sperm - Yep! Yes! Yes! - Fuck! - Huh? - What? Is it fixed? - No.
Not yet.
I'm working on it.
Ronny! The take-home exam is due at 5pm today! I know.
I can fix this.
I promise.
I just need a little bit more time.
Look, I might try and get an extension, just in case I have to start again from scratch.
Okay, but you're wasting your time! I'll have this fixed within the hour! (DOOR CLOSES) You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Shut up! (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) What department do you want to speak to? Oh.
Uh, my computer broke, so my assignment got deleted.
What department do you want to speak to? I'm having trouble with my computer.
Late payment of fees, termination of enrolment, special consideration I just need an extension for my take-home exam.
So, you want to apply for special consideration? Yes.
I think.
My computer got this virus.
Student name? Asher Angus.
Reason for special consideration? My computer got a virus, so I can't access my assignment.
Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.
It's your responsibility to back up your own data.
Oh, no, you don't understand.
It wasn't my fault.
The computer Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.
It's your responsibility to back up your own data.
But I was backing it up when it broke.
Computer problems are not a valid excuse for Okay! So, what would be a valid excuse? Medical issue.
Death in the family.
Military service.
Jury duty.
- Relationship breakdown - Yep.
That.
I just got out of a bad break-up and, uh it really distracted me from doing my work.
I'm sorry to hear that.
What was the reason for the break-up? He, uh Well, we um Sexually.
Yeah, there were sexual problems.
Just unable to connect in a sexual way.
Also, he cheated on me.
Many couples experience sexual incompatibility and infidelity.
- It's not your fault.
- Thank you.
So, is that it? You'll now need to provide proof of the relationship and break-up.
So, like, photos of my boyfriend sorry, ex-boyfriend? Photos.
Letters.
Emails.
All accepted.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) Sorry, what time were you open till? What department did you want to speak to? Are you serious? COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hey, guy.
What's going on? Not now, Joderick! I'm trying to fix a computer! Oh.
Have you tried, uh, rebooting it in safe mode? Yeah, of course! I think it's a virus.
Or tried the AVG AntiVirus? No.
I can't even get to a command line to run it.
Have you tried removing the hard drive and then accessing it from Yes! It doesn't show up! Well, if you're stuck I'm not stuck.
I'm still fixing it.
Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe you should go down to the basement.
- No! - To the never-ending LAN party.
No! Trojan Wang or one of the computer guys can fix this.
Those guys aren't computer experts.
They're just a bunch of gaming trolls.
And that place always smells like someone's shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well, if you want it fixed quick, it's worth a shot.
Otherwise, go get some professional help from the, uh campus computer shop.
No! I can fix this! (CHUCKLES) Okay.
COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Ha ha ha ha (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) - (GUNFIRE) - MAN: Take it! MAN: Yeah! You are going! Take it hard! - Whoo! Yeah! Suck my dick! - Bullshit! Shit! - Suck it! Whoo! Oh! - Yes! RONNY: Hey, guys? Uh I need some help here.
Oh, Ronny.
You back for another spanking, huh? - (OTHERS LAUGH) - Would you like to be spanked, huh? - Bad boy need to get a spanking? - (OTHERS JEER) - Whoo! Misbehaving, huh? - (LAUGHS) No, I need (SIGHS) some help with a computer problem.
That's 'cause you're a fuckin' noob and need help getting good! - Get good! - ALL: Get good! Get good! Get good! Get good! - Get good! - God! Okay! I'm a noob! I need help getting good! I suck! You guys rock! I'm at the mercy of your incredible microtwit skills.
I will straight up pay cash money to anyone who can help me fix this computer.
What is that, man?! I've got a 386 at home.
It can't even run Alley Cat and it's smaller than that piece of crap.
I see your problem, Ronnie.
That's a shitty rig! Yeah, okay.
The computer sucks.
Whatever.
It's not mine.
It's my friend's, okay? She's got a really important take-home exam on it ALL: Oooh! and we're just trying to get it out.
- Ooh la la! - A girl, eh? Huh? You want to get that ass, Ronny, huh? - Get that pussy? - You want to be on that ass? - Dirty boy, Ronny! - Smack that ass? She's just a friend.
I'm just trying to help her out.
Man, you need to get red-pilled.
Stop being a cock, man.
You ain't never getting out of the friend zone.
Okay, I'm in the friend zone! Whatever! Can you fix this computer or not? You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
- (ALL LAUGH) - Ha ha ha ha ha - This is the Sperm virus, man! - Yeah? It's a classic! Sperm! Why would you want to get rid of that? ALL: Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Okay, thanks for your help.
Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! (ALL SCREAM) Sperm! Ohh! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! So did they help? No! And they're terrible people.
You need a data recovery guy.
Those guys are even worse.
They're just rude, condescending idiots who treat people who ask for help like shit.
Plus, half the time, they don't even do anything.
They just charge people to find out they can't solve anything.
Bunch of goddamn mouth-breathing snake oil salesman.
Hey, Ronny.
Did you get my computer fixed? Not yet, but I'm working on it.
Well, seeing as you broke it, I need a small favour.
Well, I didn't break it, but I will fix it.
But if you don't, I need an extension by 5pm, so you have to pretend to be my boyfriend in a couple of photos.
What? Why? (SIGHS) Apparently the student admin doesn't give extensions for actual problems, so you have to make one up.
Okay.
That doesn't make any sense.
I know.
Now, smile in this photo while I kiss you on the cheek.
(CAMERA CLICKS) Okay.
And one more.
We're a couple and we're in love.
(CAMERA CLICKS) (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) And this will get you an extension? Hopefully, but if not, you'll have my computer fixed, right? Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
I got your back! COMPUTER: You have been impregnated by the Sperm virus.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha Hey, Joderick, what was the name of that campus computer shop? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Don't give me that sass.
KAREN: I can't accept these.
What do you mean, you can't accept these? They prove I was in a relationship.
They don't prove anything.
It's just photos of you and a man.
Anyone could stand next to a man and take his photo.
- But I'm kissing him.
- On the cheek.
What difference does it make? Section 12A of the code regarding extension on the grounds of relationship breakdown requires photographic evidence, e.
g.
open-lipped kiss on the mouth.
That's actually written down in the official rules? Yes.
You must bring me an image of you and your ex-partner kissing with open mouths.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) Okay, so, if I bring you a photo of us kissing with open mouths, would that work? - Yes.
- That's all I need? (SIGHS) Yes.
Great.
Do you need to see tongue? Can't hurt.
This side here, with all the colours, all the lights, pictures, all that, that's the side you've got to worry about, okay? This side here, the side with nothing, that's just the back.
You just forget about that side.
(MAN GRUNTS) - Hi.
- What do you want? Uh, I got a problem with this computer.
Obviously.
Why else would you be here? What's the actual problem? Um I need to recover a very important file from it.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Oh.
That's a pretty old machine, man.
Yeah.
It is.
You really should have backed up your data.
Yeah, well, I didn't, so let's just move on to the next step, yeah? Why didn't it happen? Okay, uh, not that it's relevant to the job, but, uh, I was in the middle of backing it up when we got hit by a virus that took out the whole operating system.
So, if you could just recover this really important file, - that'd be great, thank you.
- Hmm How do you know it was a virus? How do you know it wasn't just a hardware failure? Because I'm pretty good with computers.
Well, if you were, you wouldn't really be here, you know? Well, I don't really need a lecture right now.
I just kind of need you to do your job.
So, can you get this file out or not? Ehhhhhh Have you even tried restarting? Restart? That's what you're gonna go with? Yeah, obv Yes, I've tried restarting it, of course.
I'm not like someone's grandparent.
Okay? Well, your computer's as old as someone's grandparent.
Yeah, well, it's not my computer.
It's my friend's.
I'm just helping her recover a very important file that we need really urgently by today.
Okay.
I see what's going on.
You've got a friend who's a girl.
You're trying to help her fix her computer.
You're hoping you're gonna you're gonna cop a root? Eh? (CHUCKLES) What, do you think you're gonna get some ass? (LAUGHS) Ah.
Listen, man.
How about this? How about I pay you money and you shut the fuck up and do your job? - How about that? Is that easy or? - Oh, yeah, okay.
How about this? How about this, actually? If you're gonna be really rude, if you're gonna be a dick, you know, I've just got you on film, so Film me, then.
I'm being a dick? You're the dick! You're the one charging people to fix their computers when all they need is, like, malware removal or defragmentation.
Meanwhile, I come in with an actual computer problem, and guess what? You can't do shit! You can't do shit.
- I can do shit! - You can't do shit! If you were any good at computers, you'd be working at Google.
But you're here because you can't do shit! Yeah, well, keep yammering on.
Oh, this is going straight on YouTube.
Fine.
Put it on YouTube, man.
If you're gonna film it, I'm gonna film you.
Well, cool! Then you're filming me, I'm filming you! I'll film you filming me! Yeah, right.
Well, I'm gonna film you, then.
Everyone can see what shitty customer service looks like.
Okay, cool, well, I'm filming you and everyone can see what shitty customer.
looks like.
Great.
Well, you know what? I'm just gonna film you for eternity, then.
Well, that's fine.
We'll keep filming each other for eternity.
- Fine by me.
- It's fine by me, man.
I just uploaded all my photos, so I've got 64 gigs in this bitch! That's 10,000 hours of theoretical filming time! Ohh, as if, mate! Your battery's gonna run out way before then! I've got a charger.
I can charge my phone, I'm good to go! Oh yeah, well, lend me one of your chargers.
- No! - Damn it! Ronny? Ronny? - Joderick, do you know where he is? - No idea.
Shit! What time is it? Oh.
It's, like, uh 4pm.
God.
I need this extension processed by 5pm or I'm screwed.
Hey mate.
I've got a huge favour to ask.
Okay, so, I'm just trying to get a photo of me kissing Ronny so it looks like we used to go out, but he's not here, so can you please pretend to be Ronny in this photo? Yeah.
Sure.
- If I have to.
- Great.
Thanks.
(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY) ASHER: Mmm Oh, okay.
Great.
Perfect.
Thanks, mate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here? - Oh, hey! - Hey.
Is he - Are you dressed like me? - Yes I needed to get some more proof that you and me used to date, so I was looking for you to get some photos of us open-mouth kissing or whatever, but you weren't around, so I just got Joderick to do it.
Oh yeah, cool.
Well, I'm available now if you need more photos or something for accuracy or science.
No, I need to get that extension by 5pm.
How's the computer going? Yeah, um, about that actually Great! See you when I get that extension! Huh.
Yes, I can accept this as proof of relationship.
Thank you! Finally! So, now, can you please, please process my extension? Sure.
All I need is proof of the break-up.
- What? - All I need is proof of the break-up.
What? You said this was all I need.
I said that was all you need to prove the relationship.
Now you need to prove the break-up.
Okay, can you please, please, please tell me exactly, 100%, everything you need from me to get this done? A divorce certificate.
What? But I wasn't married.
Or your ex-partner can come in to corroborate.
That's insane.
It's not insane.
It's the procedure listed under section 13B.
So, you want me to bring the person I had such a bad break-up with that I'm now claiming psychological distress over in here to talk about how bad our break-up was? It's what the procedure requires.
I actually hate you.
You'd be surprised how often people say that.
Would I? I bet it's a lot.
Yeah.
It's a lot.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) - (RINGING TONE) - RONNY: Hello? Asher? - Ronny.
- Asher, I've got something to tell you.
- Me first, me first.
- No, listen.
I couldn't fix the computer.
- I've tried everything.
- It's okay.
No.
It's not okay.
The whole time, I ask you to trust me I could do it, and I couldn't do it, and now it's almost 5pm and you're gonna be late.
Ronny, shut up for a second.
I can write the whole thing from memory again, but I need an extension, and I only have five minutes to get it.
Just start running towards the admin office and I'll explain.
- What? - Ronny, just start running.
- Okay, great.
- I'm coming to get you.
- Turn around.
I'll meet you there.
- Okay.
Okay.
When you get to the admin building, I need you to say that you're my ex-boyfriend and that you had sexual problems and you cheated on me and we had a very bad break-up.
What?! That's what you need to say for me to get the extension.
Okay, but what kind of sexual problems? - It doesn't even matter.
- No, what are we talking about here? I wouldn't even know how to lie about that.
I've never had sexual problems.
In fact, I've only had the opposite.
I don't know! Just say your dick bleeds when you get hard.
What the fuck? It's a rare genetic disorder.
Oh, okay.
Then what about the cheating? - What about it? - I don't know.
What are the deets? What was her name? How long was I cheating for? How did you find out? This isn't The Wire.
Just make something up! All right, fine, but I broke up with you and you like the dick bleeding.
Okay.
I'm here.
Thank you so much! I mean you bastard! I never want to see you again! Ohh! (GASPS) Oh! Here he is! My ex.
(RONNY GASPS) Yeah.
I'm Ronny.
I'm her ex-boyfriend.
I know you from somewhere.
Yeah, International House.
We've met several times.
- No, somewhere else.
- Okay, whatever.
I'm her ex-boyfriend.
We broke up.
We're both very upset about it.
(PANTS) Oh, shit.
It affected her ability to do the assignment.
Can you please give her an extension? There.
You have confirmation.
Is it done? Okay, if you are her ex-boyfriend, you should be able to answer the questions on this form.
Okay, sure, whatever.
How long were you together? Uh (SIGHS) uh, two years.
And when did you break up? Last week.
Why? Oh, uh yeah, uh bleeding dick, and I cheated on her a lot with it.
And last question, why did you fall in love with her? - Why did I fall in love with her? - Yes.
If you were in a relationship, you should be able to answer that.
Just tell her.
- (WHISPERS) What? - Yes, tell me.
Okay.
I fell in love with her because she's a w wonderful person.
And I I love how she's always helping everyone around her.
Not because she wants something out of it, but just because she cares.
And I love how positive she is.
Like, even when I'm freaking out and everything is terrible, she just makes everything okay.
And I I even love how bad she is with technology.
Your computer's so shitty.
And that's cute.
That's super cute.
And I love how when I first met you, it was like meeting an old friend.
And I love how she never made me feel like I didn't belong or that I was different.
And I I just fell in love with everything about her.
Okay?! (SIGHS) Wow.
It seems like you really care for each other.
In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if you even broke up.
Oh oh, y-yeah, yeah, but yeah, but, you know, players gotta play.
This bleeding dick isn't gonna fuck itself.
You know, lots of girls want this, and I want to have sex with lots of women too, and also, her arms are too long and her face is weird and she can't cook.
See? He is a real dick.
I'm a huge dick.
- And we are through.
- Yeah, over! That's right.
That's where I know you from.
You're that guy on this video that everyone's been sharing.
What video? You're the dick! Get this on camera! You're the dick! You're the one charging people to fix their computers and all you're doing is just removing malware or, like, defragmenting their computer, when really, when someone comes in with an actual problem, you can't do shit! You can't do shit! Yeah, it's true.
They can't do shit.
When you go to these tech guys, all they do is just charge you Yeah, okay.
Yeah, that's me.
Yeah, that's how I roll.
You know, that's how I treat other humans.
You know what I'm saying? Come at the king, I strike back.
That's how I treat everyone.
That's how I treated her.
If you don't know, now you know.
Extension granted.
(SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) (LAUGHS) Thank you! Also, Asher, this may be none of my business, but you're right to get rid of this guy.
He is a real piece of shit.
Whoa.
Thanks, mate.
You saved me in there.
Yeah, no problem.
Always happy to help.
All that stuff about you being in love with me.
Oh! Great acting.
It really sold the authenticity.
Yeah, yeah, acting.
Yeah, I'm a really good actor.
- It's one of my skills.
- Anyway I'd better get to work on the take-home exam.
Yeah, hey, you know, if you need help with that, I'm happy to come over and help you piece it back together.
Thanks, Ronny.
I really appreciate it.
Yeah, like I said, no problem.
Always happy to help a friend.
Friendship.
Whoo! (SYNTH FANFARE PLAYS) DANIEL: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Law Faculty comedy show, You Have the Right to Remain Funny! ASHER: You should audition with me.
I'm offering you a part in the show.
Thank you so much! (LAUGHS) I've got a character that I think you're gonna be perfect for.
Is it the 'Angry Asian Laundry Man'? Yeah, I wrote it specifically for you.
- Will you guys just bang already? - We're just friends, man.
WEI JUN: You might be friends now, but you are just one heartbeat away from looking at her differently.
You want to, like, go for a coffee or something? I'd love to, but Daniel just asked me to go work on some improv with him.
What are you gonna do on this date? I don't know.
I'll take her for dinner and I'll get her, like, a rose.
Why don't you just show up with a hockey mask and a machete? Ni hao, mates.
Welcome to W:east.
I don't know about mixing these two cultures.
They both work so well individually, but when you put them together, it kind of feels like it ruins them both.
- I have feelings for - Daniel said the same thing.
BOTH: What?