Room 104 (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Swipe Right

You are such a silly man.
You think I don't know what my job is.
All I do is create chaos.
That is what you're going to get.
Trust me, I'm quite serious.
I already started putting more money into groups of little punks in Grozny, nationalistic skinheads Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Two things matter: They need to have a good name so that they seem like a movement.
But then also crucial is we have to fund the little whatever-they're-called young socialists or whatever is the opposite.
Hey get some hippie kids from the university who listen to folk music and love gays and Pussy Riot and the "power to the people.
" Yes.
It definitely will confuse some people.
We need to confuse some people.
We got this.
The takeaway here is, I am on a trip.
I will be right back.
It is personal.
That is why they are called personal days.
Just tell them, "You either ride with us or collide with us.
" Yes, you might say, "You have no choice.
" Or "My way or the highway.
" But someone who is a non-idiot might say what I have suggested.
You are aware that sometimes you come off like you've never managed a democracy before.
My God.
I do not even really have time to take a shower.
She's supposed to get here at 8:00.
[RUSSIAN ACCENT] You'll never be sad if you take a shower before you meet a woman.
[DOOR SLAMS, WATER RUNNING] - How's your room? - It's a dump.
It's fine.
It's identical to this one.
[AS LIZ TAYLOR DOING BETTE DAVIS] "What a dump! What's that from?" - [WATER SHUTS OFF] - Liz Taylor doing Bette Davis.
I know! That's what she says.
She asks that.
She says "What's this from?" - It's in the play, it's not me.
- I know.
But seriously, why did you choose this place? Yeah, I did not want to come on too strong, you know.
Too fancy.
She seems very down-to-earth in her emails.
Well, I won't be out too late tonight.
If this one-horse town has no piano bar, I will search out this famous "Walmart.
" It's so nice to see how different countries do their packaging.
I love it.
There I will buy a six-pack of beer because for some reason there is no hotel bar here.
Which was definitely your mistake.
You know something, most girls do not want to meet a man for the first time in a motel room.
I explained the situation and I already said there will be security here and all that.
She understands.
It's normal.
It's normal perhaps for some kind of important political technologist in our country, but for her it's non-standard.
Let me see you.
Bars, public spaces, that's normal.
- Hmm.
- No, no, no.
I'm sure it's fine.
You trust each other.
I get it.
I am not going to try to sleep with her.
I'm going to try to really make a connection.
[GIGGLES] Hi, I'm Darla Andrews.
I'm Oh [GIGGLES] Okay, um yeah.
Darla Andrews.
Uh, hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, I'm Darla.
Ochin' priyatna.
So nice to meet you, Darla.
I'm so sorry, but I have to run.
You must be Nathan.
" [GIGGLES] [DOOR CLOSES] Thank you for coming to meet me.
I was looking forward to it.
Yes, please.
This way.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.
[CLEARS THROAT] It's fancy.
I have very much enjoyed our correspondence.
Oh, I I just think you're such a great writer.
It has been such a pleasure.
I am an amateur at best.
[LAUGHS] Oh, no.
You are very lovely in person.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
I hope I look like my picture.
At least enough.
- Totally! Do not worry! - [PHONE RINGS] Oh, unbelievable! Fuck my mother.
Eh I have to take this.
So sorry for the swearing.
I did not want to be called when I am just meeting you.
You do very high-level English language swearing.
I told you I was doing it.
Hell yes, I told everybody I was doing it.
The question you need to be asking is, how can you afford not to back your own enemies? - [CORK POPS] - No rational person would do that, so then how can they understand that we did it? - Exactly! They can't.
- Oh, thank you.
Some biker gangs are also supporting us.
And I have a Black Panther type thing in the works I haven't even announced yet.
That's right, baby! They won't even know what hit them! - [GIGGLES] - Bam! Be gone.
All right.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you seen like you've been a little modest about having such a fancy job.
I do not admire false modesty.
It's true that in my country I have some influence.
The people we are discussing will be like your cartoon characters, with the birds and the stars spinning around the head area.
Bam! [CHUCKLES] But although I have been a person of influence, that is not why I am here.
Oh, I don't think you came all this way just to like, "influence" me.
A side effect of having influence is that it can be distorting to you personally.
Like how, um rich people never know if someone really likes them or just wants their money? Yes, I would expect it would be similar.
It is a funhouse mirror, in a way, and then you forget what you really look like.
I used to know more rich people, and they had worries like that.
I used to make more money, too, that's why I mean, I'm-I'm doing good.
I'm fine now.
I'm great, actually.
This looks delicious.
I'm glad that it appeals to you.
So, where you're from, um, what does it signify when a man wears, um So, you are a veterinarian? Um almost.
I am a veterinary nurse.
You care for baby animals.
Yup, and they love it.
You, uh, put the medicines in their eyes and their ears.
Yeah, all that.
That is nice, isn't it? Yeah.
It's so pure, how people love their pets.
Sometimes it is hard, though, when I when I can't help them, but it's always really real.
And that can be hard to come by.
What is that supposed to mean? Nothing.
I I'm so sorry.
Sometimes I stress myself out.
Of course, you are just talking about, uh, "keeping it real," right? Exactly.
It's just, you know talking about my job.
Do you like vodka? Yeah.
I know gay guys who make it a point not to lisp, and French guys who make it a point not to womanize.
But no.
I had to be a Russian who likes vodka.
- [LAUGHS] - [DOOR OPENS] But at least I am not provincial this vodka is Canadian.
[POURING] To my first international Internet date.
[LAUGHS] Mine, too, actually.
But, uh, domestic? I mean, I've tried.
Uh, You know.
What were they like, the others? Oh, jeez.
Um, well, one guy, uh, started telling me on the second drink how badly he wanted to have kids.
So yeah.
Do you really want to hear about this? Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, I really don't care what a guy's job is, but I did notice when I started going on these dates, that all of them, the rich ones and the poor ones, they all seem to think that they should be doing better by now.
You know? Like making more money, or just being happier.
It's really tender when a stranger shares something intimate with you.
You know? They didn't even know they're transmitting it, but they were blaring it like neon signs of sadness.
- Every single one of them.
- Hmm.
Was it a lot? Sometimes.
Some of them just more of like a like a slight melancholy vibe.
Guys Was it a lot of guys? Oh.
Um Well, I didn't sleep with them all.
All good.
'Scusey! I so sorry.
You see, I'd like to get to know more about you, as a person.
One of my best qualities is my attentive listening and my interest in others.
Do you prefer fish or chicken? - Fish.
- Hmm.
- [CLANGING] - [SIGHS] [SNIFFS] It was the same when I worked in reality TV.
Listening, observation.
You guys have reality TV? Of course we do.
Do you know that sometimes it isn't totally real? You know, I think that it used to be - more real, but then it became obvious - The way you hold attention - that they're just casting people that - tease people, make them wait, - dazzle them with spectacle - we know are gonna flame out - is very structured.
- or be like, "I didn't come here - to make friends.
" - It's not all literally true.
We are saying the same thing, in fact.
Um well, I, uh, have to say I think it's really great that you've been able to stay so creative while having a government job.
You know, those two things seem really different in my mind, but what do I know? Um, I was really sad I couldn't read your book.
I looked for it, but I couldn't find it in English.
It is a wonderful book, but I didn't write it.
You didn't write it? - No.
- Oh.
I wish.
It has somebody else's name on it.
Someone else named Nathan Ivanovich? That is not my name.
A pen name I guess so.
Do you like the fish? So what's your real name? You know, I also designed a city.
Did I tell you about that? It's not finished yet, but maybe you could come see it.
What do you like to be called? I am like the guy who wanted to have a baby with you on the second drink.
I did not mean to invite you to Russia so soon.
I apologize.
Why did you want me to call you by your pen name? I didn't say it was my pen name.
I mean, the book is a piece of shit.
Ivanovich is a Hamlet-obsessed hack.
I would've been totally embarrassed to have written it.
Let me sign you a copy.
Well, whomever he is, why do you think he's obsessed with Hamlet? Are you kidding? All Russians should be obsessed with Hamlet.
It is the story of power-obsessed men with small areas of total dominion, the occasional murder by poisoning and a basic inability to tell what is real, what is a ghost, what's happening, who's crazy, and who's sane.
It's brilliant.
What do your friends call you? That again? Seriously.
[MUTTERS] Pardon? [MUTTERS] I still didn't catch it.
[MUTTERS] Hey, what is your favorite kind of Russian music? Oh, I don't really know any Russian music.
I did hear those guys out there, but, uh, that's about it.
Okay, so in this country, when a man wears a piece of jewelry on this finger, it typically signifies Nom De plume.
No, that he's married.
So Okay, I know that sometimes people lie on their profiles, like tell little white lies like about their height or their age Nom De guerre like "The Fox," or "The Jackal.
" No.
That's No, I think that there's a language barrier, 'cause what I - Pen name.
- Right.
Real name.
That's a pen name, and then what's your real name? - Pen name.
- Right, that's a pen name.
Real name, pen name, real name.
Don't matter what you call me.
Realest in the game.
[DOOR OPENS] Pen name, real name Don't matter what you call me Realest in the game Let me show you what boss means Whips, house, jacket, it don't matter what the cost be Realest in the game The realest around from Kitay down to Kerch If you're looking for a boss you can end your search Real recognize real But the others can't touch this If life is a game, you can say that I've won this In Moscow they love me, in Grozny they want me Down in Khamovniki, they always try to hug me Swing through St.
Petersburg, drop a couple stacks Fuck the garment bag, I'ma take the whole rack In Presnensky they all want to sex me In Yakimana the honeys always wanna, huh Crane your neck, catch a glimpse of the man Who be runnin' the streets from the Grads to the Stans [PLAYING OLD-WORLD SOUNDING ANTHEM] Oh, yeah! You know what time it is! I have my whole squad up in here! Oh! Crimea! Ho! Cry me a damn river! Cash stacked long from Lavry to Dezhnev I've got more whips than the Comrade Brezhnev Speaking of cars, I gotta couple of hundred And a diamond in my chain for every coup that I funded Pen name, real name, don't matter what you call me Lookin' at my wrist, let me teach you how to floss, G Whip, house, jackets, it don't matter what the cost be Greatest rapper ever, now you know who the boss be [PANTING] What? No? Oh.
Well, okay.
Okay, then.
Eh, gentlemen, give us a minute.
I thought you were going to this famous "Walmart.
" Overrated.
Are you okay? We have a salad course.
Would you like a salad course? I I don't need a salad course.
Um [CLEARS THROAT] I'm very flattered.
You're an incredible singer, and dancer and rapper.
There's still an elephant in the room, though.
Excuse me just a moment.
[DOOR CLOSES] What's his real name? You're still on that? I don't understand, our emails were so promising.
I know what it's like.
- You do? - Sure.
Being pampered by a charismatic leader in a hotel room where maybe even he thinks he's in love with you.
Plus, power is intoxicating.
- So is vodka.
- Isn't that what dates are for? You squint at things and try to see the best in a guy.
I like giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I do.
Wait, are you in character right now? Often.
I lose track.
You didn't even Google him? I didn't think I needed to.
We'd been emailing for months.
- I thought - Girl, it's not that hard.
Especially after Crimea.
When I walked in here, he was wearing a wedding ring.
But when I checked again, he wasn't.
And then I swear he just was.
He can be a little bit indecisive about his self-presentation.
Seriously, what are you doing? I don't know.
You know what, you're a grown woman.
Figure it out.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] [SIGHS] Alas, Nathan Ivanovich.
I never knew you.
I don't know what is, only what seems to be.
Or not to be.
How do we even hold up this heavy life, which I myself have had a hand in reducing down to bare survival? Survival.
Survival sucks, but it is possible death is worse.
Of all the things I have been party to, I, who have the power to bend the course of history, have come up against a problem one small woman and who to be to her.
I should be real to her.
Unless I am corroded to my depth.
I am out of scale.
I feel myself so.
I should give it a whirl.
[DOOR OPENS] Are you married? Well, yes and no.
[SIGHS] I just Googled you.
And if I'm not mistaken, you have a wife.
You can Google me? Yeah.
I can.
It was pretty easy, too.
It would've been easier if you didn't have so many pseudonyms.
So, do you and your wife have some sort of arrangement? Eh, yes and no.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, I mean, sort of.
There's no sort of.
Either you're married or you aren't, or your wife and you have an arrangement or you don't.
Don't get upset.
I'm not upset.
I just need to know.
I mean, I'm not above casual sex, but I think we both know that's not why we're here.
I really liked writing to you and I like talking to you and now we're in a hotel room and I need to know.
Why didn't you ask me before about being married.
Because you checked the box.
What box? The one about being single.
[SIGHS] Did you lie about the sex questions, too? No.
No, no, no, no.
Of course not.
- It would mess up the algorithm.
- [SIGHS] What's the point of having a girlfriend or a mistress or whatever it is you want me to be if you're just gonna act the same way you do at home, or at work, or whatever? I know.
This is the tragedy of my life.
[SCOFFS] Do you know the tragedy of my life? No.
I know.
Because you never asked me.
You're really charming on the Internet, but then in person, you don't even ask me shit like what's the tragedy of my life or even if my parents are alive.
I know your parents are alive because it came up in the email when you went back to Wisconsin.
For my dad's funeral.
This is not my first language.
Don't you even wanna try being honest just for like one day, like for an experiment? - [STAMMERS] - [SCOFFS] Look, I need to be around someone real, and, Darla, I can feel that about you.
You are so freaking real.
And all I do is create chaos which is remarkably effective but you are actually, truly real.
And that-that is what I need.
That is why I am here.
I'm sorry.
I I'm gonna go.
No, no, no, no, no! Please, please.
Please stay just for a little longer.
Hey, stay for dessert.
A wonderful white chocolate mousse.
I need to go.
Oh, my God.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] No, no, no, they are saying that it is not safe for you to leave because there is a wildfire.
I don't see any wildfire.
They are saying there is a shooting.
It's not safe for you to go.
I didn't hear any shooting, did you? Some threat of shooting or a bomb threat or something like that.
I don't believe you.
- [JIGGLING DOORKNOB] - All right.
Oh, my God! They lock it from the outside? No, no, please, please relax.
[SIGHS] You'll break the knob.
Thank you for staying.
It means a lot to me.
There is so much to say about the tragedy of my life.
And from your writing, I believe you will really be able to understand the pains that come from being such an important political technologist.
You see, it started when I was a child.
At the academy in the mountains, the Ural Mountains.
- They can be beautiful - [SIGHS] but they can be deadly.