Roseanne s01e01 Episode Script

- mom.
- what? - i got a knot in my shoe.
- wear loafers.
- come on, mom.
- all right.
give it here.
can i have pie for breakfast? no, that's contaminated.
go sit down and eat your breakfast now, and don't spill your milk today neither.
here you go.
is there coffee? - dan? - yeah? isn't there coffee every morning? yes.
in the 15 years we've been married, has there ever been one morning where there wasn't any coffee? no.
then why do you have to ask me every morning if there's coffee? is there toast? - what's going on with you? - mother, this is very important.
our school's having a food drive for poor people.
well, tell them to drive some of that food over here.
- mother! - two cans.
that's it.
don't touch that creamed corn.
i'll get it.
- hello? - mom! - he started it.
- did not.
knock it off, you two.
stop it.
get away.
- listen to your mother.
- you heard your father.
- don't tell him that.
- get off the phone.
- mom - now.
i got to go.
bye.
dad, you know what would be really good for breakfast? - what? - pie.
- tell him no.
- no.
oh, hi.
i looked in the mirror and i'm getting boobs.
becky can't talk now.
oh, my gosh.
i was supposed to give you this.
- what is it? - it's a note from my history teacher, miss crane.
- you got to meet with her at 3:15.
- today? uh-huh.
why do you wait till the last minute to tell me these things? yeah, and take your brother and sister with you.
you guys didn't even brush your teeth.
we don't have time.
we'll miss the bus.
- bye.
- dan: bye.
quick, they're gone.
change the locks.
what is it? - i really don't wanna pick - what? i can't stand it when people leave toast crumbs on the butter.
what difference does it make? you're gonna smear it on your toast.
it ain't right.
you don't like it when people leave jelly in the peanut butter jar.
well, that's sickening.
- same thing.
- is not.
- afraid so.
- all right, here.
nice, fresh butter.
knock yourself out.
i love you, darlin'.
i love you, too.
save me that detergent coupon.
becky! - dan.
- what? the sink's all backed up again.
i'll plunge it right after breakfast.
i don't want you to plunge it.
i want you to fix it.
- you got it, babe.
- this is the third time this week.
- you got to fix it today.
- absolutely.
mom, my bookbag just fell apart.
i just bought it yesterday.
- mom, please, you gotta take it back.
- all right.
i'll do it after work.
- thanks.
- bye.
- goodbye.
could you meet with darlene's teacher today? i can't do it today.
i'm putting in a bid on a job.
if i get it, me and freddy start construction this afternoon.
how about this bookbag? can you exchange that? could you fit that into your tight schedule there? it's either that or fix the sink.
okay, fix the sink.
i'll do everything else- like i always do.
i'll have to get off work an hour early, lose an hour's pay, totally rearrange my whole schedule.
but i don't mind.
are you ever sorry we got married? every second of my life.
- me, too.
- you are really? - nah.
- okay, me neither, then.
hey who would you have married if you didn't marry me? - rosie-! - come on, who? no one.
oh, i'm sure you wouldn't- who? this time i swear i won't get mad.
- i know, beth winchester.
- are you kidding? i'm not gonna get mad.
i just want you tell me the truth.
i swear i'm not getting mad.
just tell.
josephine carter.
josephine carter, that old slut? she had great toes.
- toes? - yeah.
she used to sit there and cross her legs and dangle her shoe off the end of her toe.
drove me crazy.
- so you were gonna marry her for that? - yes, ma'am.
well, why didn't ya? well, the morning i was gonna propose, i took her over to this little coffee shop, a real quiet out-of-the-way place.
and just as i was about to pop the question, she smeared toast crumbs all over her butter.
that was it.
i got up, i left.
i didn't even pay the check.
you think you're pretty cute, don't ya? pretty much.
booker, i got to get off an hour early today.
i can't do it.
we're 200 cases behind on that gillman order.
but i gotta, booker.
it's really, really important.
you have to understand my position.
well, you have to understand my position.
i got to go to school and talk to my kid's teacher.
roseanne, here at wellman plastics, we are a team.
i'd like to make us a winning team.
all the players are equally as important.
the running backs are no more important than the pulling guards.
- pulling guards are no more- - yeah, i got it.
it's like a big ol' quilting bee.
a what? where all the barefoot women on the prairie get together and they all stitch this one really incredible quilt, and no one patch is any more important than any other patch kind of thing.
uh-huh.
the woman sewing this patch has to get off an hour early today.
- look, roseanne- - i'm looking, booker.
- give me a break.
- all right.
i'll give you a half an hour, and it's coming out of your check.
well, there goes the porsche.
i just love it when a guy talks sports.
it does something to me.
the only thing that's more exciting is when dan talks about hydraulic jacks and snow tires.
you can joke all you want.
you got yourself the ideal man.
- oh, "ideal," huh? - sure.
i'd give anything to have a man like dan.
he stays home.
he never runs around on you.
he's good to the kids, and he's hygienic.
well, crystal, you think he came that way? it's 15 years of fighting that made him like that.
you're so full of it.
i'm serious.
a good man don't just happen.
they have to be created by us women.
you think you know everything.
well, i do know everything, crystal.
a guy is a lump like this doughnut.
so first, you got to get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him.
then you got to get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from the beer commercials.
and then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
hi, sis.
- hi.
roseanne.
- what? you realize that most people use only two percent of their mind's potential? - that much, huh? - last night i went to this incredible seminar.
what was it this time, "dare to be a millionaire"? - "see it and be it.
" - be what? - hi, jackie.
- hey, crystal.
roseanne, this guy, dr.
jerry macklett, he teaches you how to tap into the hidden treasures of your unconscious mind.
- he does, huh? - yeah, it's so simple.
he goes, "if your mind can conceive it and your heart can believe it, then you can achieve it.
" achieve what? sis here went to another one of her incredible seminars.
it's great.
it's great.
- maybe i should go with you to one of your seminars.
- "see it and be it.
" that's the one you should go to, crystal.
this will change your life.
- i've love to change my life.
- jackie: well, you can.
for only $30- it's a one-night course, what you get are the basics of visualization.
- visualization? - you use your mind's potential to get anything you want.
you want a brand-new car? all you do is visualize it.
that sounds easy enough.
maybe you're on to something here, sis.
- yeah, you- get out of here.
- i'm serious.
i'm visualizing a clean house and kids who don't talk back and a husband who waits on me hand and foot.
you can have that.
and we're all getting in crystal's brand-new car and we're driving up this beautiful mountain road to go to the countryside to visit my sister in the nut barn.
hi.
are you the history teacher? yes.
i'm ms.
crane.
hi.
i'm darlene's mom.
oh, i'd given up on you.
you're 15 minutes late.
i'm really sorry.
i got here as soon as i could.
i don't think we can do this today.
- what? - i have another engagement.
what, you're gonna go play tennis? squash.
could we do this another day? no.
i had to get off from work an hour early and lose pay, then i got caught in traffic.
all right, we'll do it today.
have a seat.
darlene has been demonstrating behavioral problems.
what does that mean? she's been barking in class.
- barking? - like a dog.
well, did you tell her to stop it? - ms.
crane: i did.
- did she stop it? - she stopped.
- what's the problem? i feel this barking is an aggressive manifestation of a deeper internal problem.
huh? now, let me explain.
we have found that when behavioral problems arise in the classroom, it usually indicates a problem at home.
uh-huh how would you describe your relationship with your daughter? i'd say it's typical.
"typical"? not special? typical.
do you feel you spend enough time with your daughter? you mean like "quality time"? yes.
do you spend any free time with darlene? well, i have three kids and i work, so i don't have any free time.
see, now, that may be the problem.
mm-hmm i think the problem is is that there is no problem.
your daughter barks.
our whole family barks.
i talked to your history teacher today.
oh, ms.
crane the pain? yeah, you're a real jokester, all right.
turn that down.
she says you've been barking in class.
yeah.
well, what do you wanna do that for? mom, she is so boring.
if i don't bark, i'll fall asleep.
mom, did you get my bookbag? - yeah, it's over there.
- okay, thanks.
i mean it, darlene.
you need to knock it off.
i'm serious.
no more barking.
but everyone makes fun of ms.
crane.
mom, this is blue.
- hey, i'm talking to mom.
- well, so am i.
- shut up.
- don't tell me to shut up.
you are so immature.
stop it, you two.
knock it off.
you're gonna use that bag until you're 30.
oh, great.
i'm just gonna look like a freak.
- what else is new? - shut up.
this is why some animals eat their young.
i want you to take all of your stuff o your room right now.
- hi, babe.
- hi.
dad, i struck out mark winstead six times.
- yeah, i saw that in the sports page.
- dad- and something about him being your boyfriend? what? he is not my boyfriend.
you always strike out the one you love mrs.
winstead.
he is not my boyfriend.
i can't stand him.
- did you get any beer? - it's on the counter.
thanks, honey.
you're a peach.
hey, this is warm.
that's all right.
dan? yes? how come that sink ain't fixed yet? i'm gonna get right on it.
aw, check this out.
a genuine hand-carved figurehead.
uh-huh, yeah.
when i get the boat finished, i'm gonna slap this baby right on the front.
- oh, you are, huh? - yeah, ain't it a beaut? i can't believe dwight was gonna throw this out.
what were you doing over at dwight's? me and freddy went over there to help him work on this truck.
you said you were gonna start a job today.
well, i didn't get it.
somebody put in a lower bid.
so you had, like, the whole day off? no, i didn't have the whole day off.
i was busy making contacts.
with what, dwight's truck and a six-pack? - oh, come on, roseanne.
- oh, come on, dan.
i was hoping to kick a little work my way.
i got my last two jobs from dwight.
well, maybe he can get you your next wife.
- maybe.
- ooh! what would i ever do without you? just sit there and drink your beer, hubby.
i'll fix the sink myself.
the hell you will.
i'll fix the sink.
oh, talk is cheap, mr.
fix-it.
fixing a sink is a husband's job.
i am the husband.
and i'm the wife, so it's my job to do everything else, right? - oh, don't give me that.
- oh, well, it must be true.
i put in eight hours a day at the factory, then come home and put in another eight hours.
i'm running around like a maniac, taking back- - mom, where's the tape? - in the bathroom, third drawer- bookbags, talking to teachers and everything else, - and you don't do nothing! - whoa! hey, i do plenty around here.
like what? clean the gutters.
and? what's the point here, roseanne? there is no point, okay? no point.
the point is you think this is a magic kingdom where you just sit up here on your throne.
- oh, yeah? - yeah.
and you think everything gets done by some wonderful wizard.
poof! the laundry's folded.
poof! dinner's on the table.
you want me to fix dinner? i'll fix dinner.
i'm fixing dinner.
oh, but, honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago.
think i can't cook? i can cook.
i'm cooking.
and i'll spend the rest of the night washing up the dishes.
- hey, i do the dishes.
- when? thursday, 6:45 p.
m.
we can't have a big can of corn for dinner.
i'll do it.
oh, let me do it.
it's easier.
see? i try to help.
well, you better try a little bit harder.
you know why? you better come down off of your throne right now and start helping me out 'cause i'm getting fed up.
well, i got a royal news flash for you- mom, dad! darlene cut her finger off! - roseanne: what happened? - she cut herself with the scissors.
let's see.
okay.
come on, let's go.
take her to the emergency room! she needs a tourniquet! shut up, honey.
i'm just gonna rinse this off first, okay? - darlene: ow - dan: it's okay.
it's gonna be all right.
we just got to keep your finger above your head.
- but it hurts.
- yeah, honey.
try not to think about your finger.
think about something else.
- i can't.
- yeah, you can.
- think about a flower.
- flower? yeah, close your eyes.
go ahead, close 'em.
okay.
now, think about a real pretty flower.
it's out in the middle of the field, and the sun's shining on it.
- can you see it? - no! forget about the flower - think about the demolition derby.
- what about it? - remember how that yellow station wagon got clobbered? yeah, that was neat.
and then two guys sandwiched him and slammed him into a wall.
- yeah? - dan: and then ricky tornado come full speed and tore the guy's rear end off and flipped him over.
yeah, that was a blast.
okay, bub, you're all finished.
- i am? - yep.
i didn't even feel it.
- roseanne: pretty cool, huh? - yeah.
thanks.
- are you hungry? - not really.
- great, i'll fix dinner.
- great.
here you go.
oh, thanks, babe.
thank you.
honey, feel that board.
you won't believe how smooth it is.
run your hand along it.
feels good, huh? yeah, i'm trembling with excitement.
just think when you and i are retired, we're gonna be cruising the caribbean on this baby.
i'm not getting on this thing.
it'll be great.
we'll spend our last years together sailing through paradise.
this sailor stuff really turns you on, huh? absolutely.
there's nothing more romantic than drifting on the open sea.
- yeah? - yeah.
be all alone together every night, cuddle up in bed moonlight dancing on the water.
every night will be a voyage to ecstasy.
you're turning me on.
- i am? - yeah.
let's do it.
what about the sink? anywhere you want.