Roseanne s01e14 Episode Script

that's more like it.
mom, the bathrooms are done, but nobody can use them will grandpa gets here tomorrow night.
how about we don't use them all year and then we never have to clean 'em? - i found a quarter.
- that's mine.
i lost it.
finder's keepers.
darlene, i found five bucks under your bed yesterday.
- what? - tell her, d.
j.
finder's keepers.
oh, no, don't tell me the maid didn't show up.
great news, dan.
my dad's decided not to come for the weekend? right, he's coming for the whole week.
- you're kidding me.
- right.
i- i hate you.
okay, you guys, when i get back, i wanna see this room like i left it this morning, only clean.
i already did my share.
how come i always have to help them? - because you're the oldest.
- bOTH: ha-ha! and 'cause i pay you twice as much allowance.
- bOTH: what? - ha-ha.
hey, what you reading, handsome? how to fix a cement finisher.
oh, yeah, i think i saw that movie, dan.
isn't that the one where the son hides out in the garage all weekend fixing the cement finisher to avoid his father? don't tell me how it ends.
there is no end, dan, 'cause there's no beginning.
if hiding out's your tactic this year, it ain't gonna work.
what tactic? i got to finish the cement finisher, don't i? yeah, but you've been talking about doing that for the past three months.
just break down and buy a new one.
you got any idea how much a new cement finisher costs? no, dan, i missed this month's copy of "modern pavement.
" haven't you ever heard of a father and son not getting along? i hear it all the time.
i'm tired of it.
he's a sweet man.
he's a little overbearing, but this family's all he has.
and he's gonna spend the whole weekend telling me how to run it.
oh, you run this family? i mean it, rose.
he's gonna walk in here and he's gonna tell me i'm wasting my time as a contractor.
he's gonna say, "work smart, danny, not hard.
" so why don't you give yourself a break.
you handle him smart, not hard.
well, it's easier than it sounds.
i'm sorry to say it, but he really gets on my nerves.
yeah, but these visits are really important to your dad, dan.
i know.
i'm being silly.
well, anyway, he's only gonna be here 72 hours.
flies live out their entire life span in 72 hours.
so maybe he'll get caught in the screen door and he'll be here forever.
hey, lover boy.
i'm ready for him.
i told you i was gonna make this weekend work.
bottle of gold premium, his favorite.
sodium-free club soda.
and here's the clincher- barq's gourmet cashews.
- grandpa! - how come they never run like that when i come home? they do, dan, it's just in the opposite direction.
come on.
this is gonna work out great.
- don't worry.
- that's the spirit, honey.
remember, he's your father and he loves you, and when that fly dies, he's out of here.
hon, the house looks great.
yeah, we should enjoy it now 'cause it won't look like this again till d.
j.
moves out.
hi, grandpa.
d.
j.
, quit pulling.
darlene, are you sure you can handle that? no problem, grandpa.
what did i tell you kids about letting strangers in the house? i am no stranger than the guy you married.
rosebud! the daughter i never had.
yeah, well, ed, you would've died in labor.
how's it going, dad? danny, danny, danny.
i didn't drive 320 miles for a handshake.
how about a google? - come here! - aah!aah! see? that's my little boy.
bOTH: wah-oh! how you been, dad? i've been great, i've been great.
how about you, how's i goin'? great, great, business is terrific.
- you look great.
- i'm feeling great, son.
- tell, grandpa.
- i got something for you, grandpa.
well, i have got something for you, too.
darlene, do you think you could get that suitcase open? now, listen i want you to take very good care of that, all right? that is genuine camel's hair.
so it won't need much water.
here you go, sport.
- thanks.
- rOSEANNE: whoa.
let's see.
darlene.
darlene! any darlenes in this house? - right here.
- oh, there you go.
wow.
an ant farm.
no.
it's no farm.
that's a condo.
yeah.
you see, that's an ant condo.
there's a little health club for them on the top floor.
so they can bulk up and become roaches.
what about me, grandpa? what about you, honey? you know.
know what? grandpa, where's my present? oh, no.
i knew i was gonna forget somebody.
grandpa.
there's got to be something here somewhere.
some one last thing.
i just- oh! see, that's a diary.
you wear the key close to your heart so it won't be read by thanks, grandpa.
yours is in the mail.
ed, you know you don't have to bring us anything.
as soon as you leave, we take their stuff.
dad, i got a little something for you out in the kitchen.
son, you don't have to get anything for me.
dan, i told you he doesn't want that cash gift of over $10,000.
grandpa, show me how these work.
okay, here.
you see, you are under arrest.
but no! cool.
let my try.
darlene, i got a feeling you're gonna have an even nicer pair of those someday.
i don't know how you two do it.
- how about it, dad? - gold premium? - that's the best there is.
- yeah, go pretty good with those cashews.
somebody's living the high life around here.
who? ed, why don't you just go ahead and open 'em up.
sure, rosie, right away.
danny, how much you pay for these? whatever it was, i'm sure it was too much.
you know the deals my dad gets.
when you've got friends, you never pay retail.
you don't mean to tell me you actually have friends in the nut business? nuts, cookies, candies, lighters, pens, tongs.
you never pay full price for that stuff.
- dARLENE: i got it! - take my car.
off the list price.
right, and they also threw in a digital radio.
- and you know why? - you're friends with the salesman.
that's right, danny boy.
cRYSTAL: hey, everybody.
- hey.
- hope i'm not interrupting.
- crystal, you remember ed.
- my, my, my.
take my breath away.
well, hello, ed.
there must be something in the lanford water because you get prettier every time i see you.
and every time i see you, you have more charm.
he gets it wholesale.
roseanne, i got an emergency.
my hair dryer's busted.
the darn thing's supposed to have three settings- cool, warm, and hot - but all i could get was cool, hot, and hot.
you got one i could borrow? nah.
geez, i wish i knew somebody that could get me a good deal on one of those darn things.
hair dryers.
west coast distributorship.
i was this close, danny.
this close.
your cubs are looking good this year.
yeah, they are.
yeah, they are.
'course it's still spring training.
i don't know, they could be contenders.
everybody's a contender in spring training.
"cement finisher maintenance manual.
" no, that's nothing.
cement finisher's acting up again.
seems to me that thing is always broken.
nah, nah.
- how's business, dad? - never better.
i'm selling forklifts faster than they can make 'em.
good for you, dad.
that's why they stick me with this punk kid who couldn't sell a life preserver to a drowning man.
i told the sales manager, "if i had my son with me, we could put this company right through the top.
" pa, i don't need you talking to no sales manager for me, dad.
we've been over this a million times.
i ain't no salesman.
well, yeah, the world needs handymen, too.
i'm not a handyman, dad.
i'm a contractor.
you could be a salesman.
you could be a damn good one.
- i like what i do.
- i didn't say you didn't.
all i am saying is you got to work smart, not hard.
work smart, not hard.
i'm building a business, and it takes time.
what are you building? you're a contractor.
what do you work, six months out of the year? yeah - we're a little slow during the wintertime.
that's what i'm talking about.
- i got stuff lined up.
- lined up? you have a family.
you got to line something up for this family.
- i take good care of my family.
- i know you do, son.
no, you don't know.
you don't know.
i ain't a salesman.
i'm a contractor.
and let's drop it.
fine.
- bye-bye, ed.
- bye-bye, sugar.
you keep drinking that water.
dARLENE: grandpa, i can't find the key for these handcuffs! they don't need a key.
i'll show you again, but this is the last time.
- what did he do? - he did exactly what i said he was gonna do.
he's not here five minutes and i'm a handyman who can't support his family.
- well, dan- - i don't wanna talk about it, roseanne.
he just better stay the hell outta my way this whole visit.
i don't care if i ever see him again.
i guess i really messed things up this time, huh, rosie? yeah, ed.
it's all over your shoes.
- here, ant.
- come and get it.
what are you guys doing? me and d.
j.
's trapping ants for his ant condo.
we put jelly on bread, grandpa.
when the ants come out, we smash 'em over the head with a two-by-four.
same way i caught dan.
where is danny boy? i thought for sure he'd be out here.
well, he went out for a glass of coolant.
he's really got some temper, huh? only on special occasions.
where are you going? somebody's got to stay in here and catch these ants.
you can.
gee, thanks.
got a great kid there.
yeah, he's great when he's not rotten.
there's no such thing as a rotten son, rosie.
they're too precious.
i don't know about mothers and sons, but with fathers and sons a father looks at his son, and he sees every mistake he ever made.
he just wants to put him on some kind of path where he won't make those same mistakes.
- but, ed- - no, a father and a son you see what would've, what could've, what should've been.
ed- ed, when you're on the phone, do you ever use the top half? oh, oh, yeah- yeah, i run off at the mouth sometime, but so do you.
yeah, but when i speak, i'm speaking for all of womankind.
what does all of womankind know about fathers and sons? all i was doing was giving danny a little fatherly advice.
but that's the thing about fatherly advice.
it's a give-and-take kind of thing.
you can only give it so much before the kid can't take it anymore.
- yeah, but- - yeah, but- bOTH: you know- - you should go talk to him.
- talk to him, yeah.
the world's still out there? hey, danny, you remember 1962, wrigley field, opening day? you were there.
who's on the mound? the pitcher.
you don't know, do you? it's a big guy, right-hander.
i really can't think of his name.
neither can i.
i once had this fight with this guy, earl veltoff.
he and i were partners out in des moines for three weeks.
he had the most annoying habit.
he used to suck his teeth.
cardwell was on the mound, don cardwell.
that's the guy.
yeah, we almost got a foul ball.
- this close.
this close.
- yeah.
we would've had it, too, if you hadn't been yakking to the people behind us about the invention of the forklift.
you know what this is like, danny? this is like ants.
what's like ants? what the hell are you talking about? you and me.
when an insect threatens an anthill, the ants instinctively protect those they're related to.
that's nature.
that's life.
that's dinner.
see ya.
- hey, danny.
- what? i came here to square things with you.
why are you making it so tough? we're square, pop.
cardwell was knocked out in the first.
- who did they bring in? - bob buhl.
oh, that was a year.
pass the potatoes, please.
if something almost happened in do beets stain your teeth? we were on the road to memphis.
- you were about three years old, danny- you remember? - vividly.
it was raining cats and dogs.
the windshield wipers, they're working like a charm.
i said to your mother, "audrey, i'm gonna revolutionize the automobile industry.
" an idea as simple as a hula hoop, as practical as a paper clip.
- who knows what it is? - mud flaps? no.
that's pretty good.
but now see, try to think about the rear of the car.
ed, the only thing i can think of that you do in the rear of a car, i know you didn't invent it.
rear windshield wipers.
give this young lady you invented rear windshield wipers? could've, should've, would've.
boy, i'm telling you.
but your mother, she had to have a rest stop.
well, casting no aspersions, she was eight months pregnant at the time.
she was a little incontinent.
so we stop, and i lose my train of thought.
it wasn't until two years later till i see a pair on the back end of a chrysler imperial i remember i invented 'em.
this close, danny.
this close.
i learned my lesson.
you got to grab your opportunities when they come by.
darlene, pass the beets, please.
well, do they? - do they what? - stain your teeth.
teeth, let me tell you about teeth.
- dad.
- the most beautiful teeth i ever saw were on a movie star.
- esther williams.
- dad, we've already heard this story.
i haven't.
yeah, i'd like to hear it.
okay, great.
tell it.
you're in san diego.
it's 1951.
bobby thompson's home run.
shot heard 'round the world.
- let him tell it.
- no, no.
no, it's okay.
mgm's making a movie down in san diego, see.
- and guess who's down there.
- esther williams.
give the young lady well, then what happened? ask your father.
you're in the coffee shop.
no.
i was in the main dining room.
i turned around- he's gonna tell it.
he's gonna tell it.
well, dan, it's not like we haven't heard your stories 30 times.
what stories? oh, come on, dan.
how many times have i listened to the incredible story about how you were the first customer ever at the new supermarket? i'll tell ya, dan, if you don't wanna hear my stories, you don't have to hear my stories.
as a matter of fact, you can freeze in hell before you hear another one of my stories.
- excuse me.
- come on, sit down! dan, cool it.
i'll take care of it.
i got us into this, i'll get us out of it.
ed, you're half right.
you got us into it, and i'll get us out of it.
dan the statute of limitations on parental crime runs out when you're about 30.
so he didn't invent the rear windshield wiper.
that's not it.
so he never really met esther williams.
it's not the windshield wipers.
it's not esther williams.
it's his fork.
what? he holds his fork the same way i do.
i hold my fork the same way he does.
i'm him.
i think you're reading a little bit too much into silverware.
i'm sitting there at the kitchen table, honey, and i'm watching him and i'm listening, and it's me, and i hate it.
well, you know, dan, if you didn't know ed conner and you just bumped into him, you'd go have a couple of beers, and you'd talk about baseball, and he'd probably sell you a forklift.
you know what scares me the most? when he was 36 years old, he was right where i am today.
- that's me down the road.
- no, that's him.
those are his choices.
that's ed.
roseanne, i got a broken-down truck.
i got a broken-down cement finisher.
i hear myself telling the same damn stories 12 times.
well, i'm not saying you're not boring.
you're just boring in a different way than your dad.
it's genetic.
it's in the genes.
you see him, you get me.
well, maybe that's why i like him.
you know, he has that certain virile conner charm, you know.
come back in there with me, come on.
yeah, we might be missing a good story.
allow me to introduce- making yet another appearance at our dinner table- the lovely, the indefatigable mr.
dan conner and his lovely wife tammi.
now, where were we? i asked for the potatoes, and you hit the road.
ask him for the carrots and see what happens.
carrots.
i hate carrots.
you know why? tell me.
would you stop hogging all of these blankets? blankets? let me tell you a little something about blankets.
i came this close to inventing the blanket in 1969.
it was right after woodstock.
and a guy named navajo joe up to me and he says, "i already invented the blanket.
" so he took it away from me.
wasn't it? woodstock.
who was on the mound that year? fergie jenkins.
boy, what a set of chompers he had.
you talk about teeth.
but he went plumb midget on me.
and he went and sunk all his money into what you call a hair dryer stock.
he tried to invent a five-speed, four-door mix hair dryer, and he lost all his dough.
then he couldn't do nothing about it.
so i ups to him and i says, "fergie, what the heck do you know about hair dryers anyway?" he goes, "well, it gets windy in chicago.
" i said, "chicago?" "yeah, i was almost in the band chicago.
i used to mix their sound tracks for 'em, but i couldn't quite get it, see.
" ahh good night, ed.
night.
night.
what the hell do you know about night? i was almost on the edge of night one time, except i got my foot cut off in vietnam, and i couldn't quite make it to the audition.
and the cabdriver didn't speak english, so he didn't know- shut up! i was shut up in a cave one time.
the meramac caverns just south of st.
louis.
it was me and three other guys.