Roseanne s01e23 Episode Script

i never thought i'd say this, but i actually miss booker.
well, that's because our new supervisor's - a real slime ball.
- i agree.
that mr.
faber's a pain in the butt.
pardon my language.
you sewer mouth! you know, faber wouldn't get on my nerves so much if he'd just die.
no, no, death's too good for him.
what he really deserves is to have to work for himself.
i don't know.
i think we should explore this death idea a little further.
are you hens still cackling about the new rooster? when we find a rooster, lou, we'll cackle.
okay, lou, how? how do you handle faber? two words: look busy.
well, i got two words for you, lou.
anyway.
well, are you little ladies enjoying your lunch? well, the veal is tres bien.
and how was your swordfish, sis? as usual, the food is to die for, but the ambience stinks.
hey, uh, blondie, your work station's a mess.
well, we always clean up at the end of the day.
i know.
but your area's an obvious safety hazard.
and if you'll refer to the employee's manual, you'll note that the supervisor is responsible for spotting and eliminating safety hazards.
well, great, while you're doing that, can we see the dessert tray? i hate to give an order twice.
aw, sit down, blondie.
this here is a job for a brunette.
- super brunette! - da-da-da-da! fABER: i wasn't talking to you.
i was talking to her.
well, then you're obviously tampering with destiny here, if you're willing to sweep up little bits of plastic on your lunch hour for no apparent reason.
" da-da-da-da! boy, one thing i hate to see in a plastics factory is little bits of plastic laying around.
well, they won't be laying around much longer, will they? so you're just gonna stand there and watch me? maybe i will, maybe i won't.
well, that's a big decision there.
i guess that's why they pay you the big bucks, huh? will you hold this for a minute? honey, i'm not here to hold.
i'm here to supervise.
oh, yeah, i get it- shirt, tie.
that's what you do.
i must be stupid.
well, when you're right, you're right.
how long you been here, anyway? long enough.
your, uh, personnel file says 11 years.
you know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but do you see any of them around here? your work is great compared to your attitude.
well, i'm just keeping the morale up, you know, trying to make your job easier.
that's what i'm talking about, your attitude.
now, my brother has this dairy farm.
you know, some of those cows take to milking right off, some of 'em take a little longer.
every once in a while you run across a real stubborn one.
but you know what? sooner or later they all give milk.
well, nothing like a little livestock story to start out the day.
i think you know what i mean, sugar.
girls, you'll never believe what he wanted me to do! well well, mr.
faber.
well, i'm afraid this old girl's got to put it to bed.
- sylvia, it's friday night.
- and it's early.
yeah, but i need two days to recover.
- you know, these new quotas are killing me.
- cRYSTAL: yeah.
- good night, everybody.
- night, sylvia.
faber's a maniac.
oh, hey, he passed maniac about a month ago.
you got that right.
when i'm really smokin', i can pull maybe 15 units a minute.
that's, uh, which is 7,200 units a day.
and my quota's what does he think i am? - a factory worker.
- you got that right.
here's a couple of cold ones for the tired working masses yearning to be free.
hey, don't forget the unemployed masses.
i better not drink this.
i may do something i regret.
yeah, like last time you left your barrettes in the bathroom.
well, i'm one sip of beer away from going over to the phone, calling that mr.
faber and giving him what for.
dan, you better hose her down.
my quota's 8,000.
i can't do 8,000.
- i can maybe do 7,000.
- i don't know what's with this guy.
- nobody can do 8,000 units.
- mm-mmm.
i heard him say last week, there may not be any room at wellman for people who can't make the quota.
he'd fire us for not making 8,000? we gotta put a contract out on this guy, or we gotta send somebody up to the front office and complain to mr.
wellman.
what for? wellman doesn't set the quotas.
faber does.
i used to set 'em when i was there.
oh, it's so unfair.
- that scum bucket.
- so we're killing ourselves so he can look good? it's so unfair! now, when i was there, i never set the quota higher than 5,500.
boy, i like a guy with low standards.
if faber set the quotas too high, you gotta tell him he's unrealistic.
not to mention just downright silly.
oh, dan, cut me off.
well, somebody needs to go and talk to faber.
somebody needs to set this guy straight.
somebody really does.
well, somebody doesn't feel like it, so just forget about it.
i mean, you're talking about a guy that wants to see my head mounted above the women's restroom.
- forget it.
- jACKIE: roseanne? remember when we were little kids and we used to go out in the backyard way in the corner so we couldn't see the house, and we'd imagine what we were gonna do when we grew up? i was gonna own and operate a chain of pet stores, and you were gonna go to new york city and become editor in chief of mother earth news.
so, how come we're sitting in a dive like this figuring out how to hang on to a job that we hate for eight bucks an hour, which we can't even live off of anyway, try to fill quotas that we can't fill, 'cause if we don't, we're gonna get canned? it's- you got some pretzel hanging off your chin.
come in.
well, you sure keep this place neater than booker ever did.
and you got rid of miss january.
i'm personally grateful for that.
what do you want, roseanne? well, i was wondering if we could maybe talk, you know, like people.
sure.
have yourself a seat, sugar.
can i close the door? whenever that door closes, things tend to slow down out there.
yeah, well, i guess you're right about that.
yeah, you'd know.
what can i do for you? well, i was hoping that maybe this would be a good time to, um, discuss quotas.
sure.
okay, you know that new that's, like, very difficult.
i mean, it's very difficult.
uh-huh.
here we are, working eight hours a day, and we're busting our hump, and we still come up short.
we can't do it.
it's very demoralizing, you know? live with it.
hey, i'm telling you that we can't meet our quotas.
then what do you suggest we do about it, honey bunch? - i suggest you lower the quotas.
- yeah.
then maybe a couple days a week we could all knock off early and have a factory picnic.
yeah, like that! okay, like you lower the quotas, okay? what happens is, like, then morale goes up, and then when morale goes up, i mean, the productivity increases, you know? i mean, we look good, you look good.
i know how business works, sugar.
you scratch my back, i scratch your back.
now, i'm more than willing to scratch your back.
the big question is, are you willing to scratch mine? now, mrs.
faber isn't gonna pop out of a closet dressed up like a dutch girl, now is she? that's exactly what i'm talking about: disrespect and a smart mouth.
okay, so just cut to the chase, faber.
you want the quotas lowered? i'll lower the quotas.
thank you very much.
what a minute.
i've still got an itch.
so, lay it on me.
what do you want? i want you to modify your behavior.
i don't want you ever talking back to me.
i don't want to be the butt of your jokes.
and when you speak to me, i want you to do it with respect.
and no one but you and me will ever know we had this little talk.
no one, or else the quotas stay up and the pink slips go out.
do we have a deal? yes.
yes, what? yes, we have a deal.
sir.
- what are you gonna do this weekend? - hey, that's right.
we've got an actual weekend i don't have to use to catch up on sleep.
i never thought 6,500 units would seem like a vacation.
what do you guys got lined up? oh, probably just the usual.
i'm going to the science fair at willy's school.
he made a brontosaurus out of egg cartons.
once when roseanne was in school, you made something out of egg cartons.
- what was that? - stonehenge.
hey, you guys, uh, why don't we take care of this before we go on break? why don't we take care of it after work? 'cause we're gonna get in a hassle with faber and he's gonna win, and life is just too short, so let's take care of it and forget about it.
roseanne, honey, you know the rule: no food outside the lunchroom.
oh.
this is gum.
thank you, doll.
i appreciate your cooperation.
and, uh when you're done here, would you mind putting some paper towels in the men's room? no, i don't mind.
thanks.
what's with you? come on, he lowered the quota.
why push our luck? come on, mom! yeah, just five more minutes.
not five more minutes.
not one more minute.
it is 9:00.
what does that tell you? - you're ticked off.
- go.
what's all the hubbub, bub? you know, they're your kids too, or maybe you just don't even care what time they go to bed.
they're two minutes late.
what's the big deal? the big deal is that they don't know how to obey the rules.
- what's the matter, hon? - don't call me hon.
- babe, i've been calling you hon for 15 years.
- don't call me babe neither.
look, lady! i'm sorry, dan.
it ain't you.
- that faber guy? - god, i hate him! want me to beat him up for you? no.
come on, i will.
- what would you do to him? - okay.
okay, like, um, i'd wait for him by the bike rack after school.
and then, you know, i'd wait for him to come out of gym class, um, and i'd put a bunch of marbles in my sock and i'd say, "hey, keith, come on over to my house after school.
i've got the original cast recording of carousel.
" god, i sold my soul to the devil for 6,500 units! what the hell are you talking about? i made a deal with him.
he said he'd lower the quotas if i lowered myself and showed him some respect, but a little's turned into a lot.
i just can't take it anymore.
honey, if you're that miserable, just quit.
- it's not worth it.
- i can't quit.
well, you can't go on like this.
i mean, i'd lose everything.
i wouldn't get any hospitalization.
i couldn't get any kind of unemployment.
the kids could never get sick, or grow.
we had kids before we had hospitalization.
we'll manage.
it'll take a long time to find another job.
we'll manage.
we got married, they said we wouldn't make it.
we had three kids, they said we wouldn't make it.
you know what we're like? we're like one of those clown balloons that every time you knock it over, it just turns right-side up again.
we'll be okay.
well, say i quit, okay? and then becky comes in here and she wants a new pair of designer jeans, okay? - mm-hmm.
- so then what are you gonna tell her? well, i'd have to tell her the truth.
i'd just look her right in the eye and say, "honey, you know you could've had those jeans if your mom hadn't been a big baby and quit her job.
" - supportive? - i think so.
not.
roseanne, you know i'm right.
admit it.
jackie, did it ever occur to you that maybe i just do not like putting people down? no, no.
it did occur to me that you were losing your touch.
- well, think again.
- how about yesterday? faber was in here throwing his weight around, you had a golden opportunity to slam him, and you didn't.
you stooped to an all-time low and called him "sir.
" - don't remind me.
- what's the matter with you? jackie, maybe she's going through something personal.
oh, yeah, right, crystal.
ladies, can i have your attention? sure, mr.
faber.
i have a little announcement to make.
now, plastics is a competitive industry.
now, let's face it, we make money selling product.
so it only stands to reason, the more product we sell, the more money we're gonna make.
so what are you raising our quotas to? nothing you girls can't handle.
we're gonna try and i have every confidence that you girls can cut the mustard.
and if you can't, it's been nice working with you.
can you believe that? - i'll never make that quota.
- come on, roseanne.
i'll buy you a cup of coffee.
i'll be there in a minute.
what the hell do you think you're doing? we had a deal.
the operative word here, roseanne, is "had.
" yeah, i know who you are.
i know who you are, and if you didn't have this job, you'd be in an alley.
you sound angry, roseanne.
you told me if i towed the line that you'd drop the quotas.
why are you doing this? - because i can.
- no, you can't.
i did, and when i broke you, i knew you were just like the rest of 'em.
and you'll stay and you'll do your 8,000, and so will your loser friends, or they're gone.
well, this ain't the way you motivate people.
and you know what? any manager would know that.
and you are a lot of things, but you ain't no manager.
sweetheart, you just bought yourself a bunch of trouble.
no, sweetheart, you did.
hey, i'm not done with you.
don't you walk away when i'm talking to you.
- you okay, sis? - no, i'm not okay.
i mean, i tried to be okay, but he doesn't want me to be okay.
he doesn't want any of us to be okay.
you know why? because he's not okay, okay? roseanne, i told you not to walk away from me.
i'm walking away from you, faber, and i'm walking away from this stinking factory.
i'm walking away from this lousy job.
well, that was a wonderful performance, roseanne.
but if any of you are considering joining her, may i point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.
i guess we're not gonna make our quota today, honey bunch.
- here goes.
- thank you.
i can't believe i did this.
i mean, i'm glad i did it, but i can't believe i did it.
oh, so you spilled the beer nuts.
big deal.
i can't believe i quit.
oh, oh.
you know, i was at that factory longer than anybody here.
you know what i'm going to miss about wellman most? not one damn thing! i can't believe i quit.
it's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation- my sister, ex-wellman employee, and a heck of a woman in her own right- what was your name again? sally field.
aLL: yay!