Roseanne s03e07 Episode Script
Trick or Treat
1 A niner to Marvin, possible straight, another duck for the monsignor, zippo, and shinola for the dealer.
Bet's to you, paladin.
Two bits.
[Burp.]
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
The king.
Judges.
5.
5.
Thank you.
A 5 from the communist judge.
Did I tell you guys about my cousin Leon? He bought two mail-order brides through a catalogue.
UPS delivered them to his door buck naked.
They both looked like Michelle Pfeiffer, except they had really big heads.
Ok, who wants to chip in for Arnie's therapy? He's paying me for that story.
I told you about me dating that belly dancer, right? Oh, listen to this.
This chick had such muscle control, she could pick up Hey, honey.
Jackie, D.
J.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
Can I try on my Halloween costume, mom? Well, hey, go knock yourself out.
So what were you all saying? Oh, yeah, I'd, uh You could use a cross-cut saw on that, but I'd use a band saw, 'cause it's a lot easier.
You look like a band saw man.
Hey, you better use your coasters.
Ha, made you look.
Power tools.
That's their little code for "Fallopians approaching.
" Like we don't know what goes on when we leave that room.
They talk about their first time, their last time, and how many times.
Then they multiply it by five and spit at each other and go home.
I wonder why.
We're talking about the only animal on earth that would wear black socks with Bermuda shorts.
[Baby talk.]
Now, we put on our little ears.
Why do I have to do this? Because her needs a Halloween costume.
I don't want to go to Dan's stupid lodge stupid haunted house thing.
But it's for charity.
But it's no fun having some 60-year-old guy with a pot belly jumping at me saying "ooga booga.
" It was scarier now than when I was 8.
I want to see you get out there again.
I just broke up with Gary.
I'm depressed.
I'm tired and miserable.
I look so cute.
I'll get you, my pretty.
Hey.
You look great.
So scary.
I need a broom.
It's in the kitchen.
Hey, hey.
Look everybody, D.
J.
's a witch.
Why don't you fly upstairs and put on your pjâs? I can't fly without a broom.
Sure you can.
Look.
Ok.
I'll be up in a minute, champ.
Two daughters isn't enough for you? What are you talking about? He's dressed like a witch.
Witches are girls.
This is the 90s, Dan.
Witches are women.
We can't let him do this.
He got to pick his own costume.
Why not something like a vampire or a nice ax murderer? Like, um, Lizzie Borden? There's other ax murderers, Roseanne.
I get it.
You want him to be a manly virile stud of an ax murderer.
There's no little sissy ax murderer for Dan Conner's boy.
Boys shouldn't dress up like girls.
Darlene dressed up like a pirate three times.
That was cute.
He'll come home with a bloody nose.
That is stupid.
I got to get back in there.
Would you talk to him? D.
J.
! Instead of a witch, you want to dress up like Madonna? I did my best.
Hi, mom.
Yeah.
So how long you going to be? Ok.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
Ok.
Bye.
Dad, mom's still at work! She says she and aunt Jackie will meet us there! I'll be right out! Darlene, you're not even ready.
We'll be leaving any minute.
I don't feel so good.
What's wrong? My stomach.
Oh! Oh, my god! Oh! Aah! Aah! Aah! So do you want some Pepto Bismol or something? Ok.
Let's get going.
Where's D.
J.
? We'll get him.
[Imitating Curly.]
You don't look half bad, toots.
Thank you.
I'm supposed to remind you to bring the brownies.
[Imitating the Three Stooges.]
Lamebrain, you forgot the brownies.
Boink.
Ow ow ow.
Hey, leave him alone.
Oh, wise guy, eh? Nyaaaah.
W-w-w-woo W-w-w-w-woo Woo! All right, knock it off.
I'll get the brownies.
Hey, hey, hey.
Uh, what's this? It's D.
J.
I thought you changed your mind? No.
Well, look, the costume's great and everything.
Why not just, uh, say you're a warlock? What's a warlock? It's a guy witch.
Ok.
Let's get rid of this.
Why? Warlocks don't have brooms.
Then I want to be a witch.
Witches are girls.
Warlocks are guys.
They can do anything a witch can do.
They can turn people into frogs, they make thunder and lightning, Grant wishes.
That's a fairy godmother.
Rrah! You're not helping.
Ok, look, uh Oh, hey, look! It's a magic wand.
You take this and tell people you're a wizard.
I don't want it.
I don't want anything.
All right.
Let's go.
Spread out! Certainly.
I'm not going in there dressed like this.
Roseanne, you're being ridiculous.
You took off your nose and your ears.
Take off your costume.
I'll never get it back on.
Just get in here.
You look adorable.
You really think so? Get in here.
Oh, I left my purse in the car.
Here's a quarter.
Call Dan, and we can get out of here.
I feel like I'm having one of them dreams where you go to school in your underwear.
Come on.
It's Halloween.
I'm the only person here in a costume.
Hello.
Who is this, Eddie? Oh, Arnie.
Listen, is Dan around? Could you find him and tell him that the car broke down and to pick me and Jackie up at the Lobo? Tell him to hurry.
Trick or treat to you, too, Arnie.
This will be a while.
We should wait in the car.
It's freezing outside.
I'll buy you a drink.
Ok.
A little help.
What can I get you? I'll have a white wine.
What about you, fella? Come on, pal.
I'm busy here.
What are you drinking? [Deep voice.]
Give me a beer.
Don't do this.
You'll embarrass us.
Call me Bob.
White wine for the lady, and a beer for you, pal.
So, uh, how's the action in here? Oh.
Action? Chicks.
I don't know, fella.
Ladies bowling league comes at 10:00.
10:00, huh? Good thing I brought my little squeeze box with me.
Oh You're such a pig.
Yeah, but that's why you like me, right, honeybunch? That'll be 4 bucks.
Pay the man, doll.
Well, why should I pay? You're the man.
You pay.
You know I left my purse in the car.
Oh, all right.
I'll pay for you again.
I don't know why I always am attracted to these losers.
Gee, it must be her time of the month.
Now I know why you're single.
You're such a lousy date.
Look, Bob, I'm going to go call Dan again.
Fine.
I'm going to mingle.
No, don't.
Don't.
You're not serious.
Me and the guys, we're going to hang out.
You got a problem with that, babe? Excuse me.
Um, you know, you could do much better.
I don't see you here with anybody.
You're kidding me? Honest to god.
This broad was so hot, I thought she was going to kill me.
Yeah.
Badda-bing badda-boom.
So then, she brings out this suitcase full of sex toys, and I'm thinking, this broad is freaky.
As long as you're getting your battery charged, what's the damn difference? While you're getting your car washed, you might as well get the hot wax.
I want to know what she wants with you when she's got a suitcase full of sex toys.
That supposed to be a joke? Ok.
Oh.
Well, anyway We were going pretty good, and I was catching my groove, doing what makes me me, and then her roommate walks in and says, "can I join you?" Are you kidding me? Yeah, right.
I mean, way to go! Then her roommate takes off all her clothes, and I got both of them to deal with.
Hold on a minute.
Let me ask you a question.
Are you making this stuff up as you go along? You calling me a liar? No.
Badda-boom badda-bing.
Yeah, oh, I mean, long as you're getting your, uh Cue chalked, it don't matter what ball you hit.
Did I mention these girls were, uh, these girls were coeds Then just keep an eye out for him, ok? Hurry up.
Bye.
What? Oh, man.
What? Man, it was awesome.
It reminds me of that movie where that lady hung out with the gorillas, but they accept her as one of their own.
Cool.
What did they talk about? Well, ok, the head gorilla, he's like standing around telling these sex stories, and the less dominant gorillas are just standing around believing it.
What's so new about that? I think I figured out why they do it.
Do tell.
If one of them has sex, it seems like the rest have a chance, too.
So you think that's it? It gives them a feeling of hope and pride.
Order me another beer.
Why? Where are you going? I'm going to the men's room.
No, Roseanne.
Don't go in there.
Don't do it.
I'm just going to go update your phone number.
God, it stinks in here.
Ahh.
Aah.
So how you doing? Fine.
You watch that, uh, Blackhawks game on TV? No.
Oh, you're a Bulls fan, eh? Oh, I get it.
It's like being in an elevator.
Aaauuugh! Give me a break.
How you doing, Mr.
Thompson? Hi, girls.
This is even lamer than last year.
But did you see that Freddy Krueger guy checking me out? Beck-head, there were 19 Freddy Kruegers.
Which one are you referring to? The cute one.
This is just great.
Rosie called.
Her car broke down.
She and Jackie need to be picked up at the Lobo.
Aw, man.
That stupid car.
Hey, Arn? Yo.
I who are you supposed to be? I'm Elvis' ghost, man.
[Imitating curly.]
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Let's go pick up your mom.
Where's D.
J.
? I saw him in the chamber of everlasting horror.
Yeah, whining about that stupid broom.
Oh, jeez.
You guys wait here, ok? D.
J.
Deej.
Aagh! Hey, Jimmy, you seen D.
J.
? No, Dan, I haven't seen him.
Deej.
Deej.
D.
J.
Hey, Andy, you seen my boy? He's dressed up like a w wizard.
Give it up, Dan.
The kid's a witch.
Andy, you got three boys.
This is a phase, right? Oh, yeah.
The kid hits a certain age, he does weird stuff.
I think D.
J.
's hiding.
I probably traumatized him.
He just wanted a broom so he could pretend to fly.
That probably means he wants to be a pilot.
You can't turn everything he does into a career.
It means more to you than to him.
Yeah, but some kid might deck him.
We were kids.
We survived, right? Look at us now.
Dad.
D.
J.
? Dad? D.
J.
Where you been, boy? Scaring people.
Yeah? Well, you scared me.
I didn't know where you were.
You mad at me? Nah.
You mad at me? Nah.
All right.
Let's go get you a broom.
Ok.
Whenever my old lady gives me crap about equality, I just tell her, you're so equal, let's see you pee on a campfire.
Hey, uh, Bob, looks like your old lady just found a new fireman.
Well, we got an open relationship.
That 'cause you can't keep her in line? Well, it's harder to control a woman who ain't inflatable.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Yo, bitch! You're making me look bad in front of the other guys.
I don't see any ring on this finger.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi Crystal? What are you doing here? I'm here to drown my sorrows.
Get me a pink squirrel.
Keep them coming.
I had a terrible date, and it's my fault.
I could have ordered chicken, which was reasonably priced, but I had to have the surf and turf, signaling I owed him something.
When I was not accommodating, he dumped me.
Stop blaming yourself for everything.
You got a right to eat without letting some guy put you on the menu.
You're better than that.
Really? You got to tell yourself you're a quality woman and stop judging yourself according to what men think.
What's your name? Don't you recognize me? Well, refresh my memory.
Where might we have met? At Roseanne's house? Roseanne? Trick or treat.
Well, of course, I knew it was you.
No, you didn't.
I was playing along.
No.
You were ready to sleep with me.
I was going to make you buy me dinner first.
Hello, girls.
Bob.
Hey.
Of course you ladies recognize Warren Beatty.
You want to dance? I'm talking with my friends.
Maybe some other time.
You'd rather sit with burl Ives than dance with me? Let's dance.
No, thank you.
I'm not going to bite you.
Unless you want me to.
Oh, Hardy har har.
Hey, nobody's talking to you.
Come on, let's dance.
No.
Leave her alone.
I'll dance with him.
You will not.
Sit down! I'm sick of you.
You've been in my face all night.
Just take a hike.
Who's going to make me? Yeah, that's real grown up.
Fight about it.
Fine with me.
Come on, fat boy.
Let's take it outside.
Well, she She started it.
Ok, ok, I have to tell you something.
I'm a woman.
You're going to be when I'm done.
Hey.
Leave him alone.
What's it to you? He's my husband.
What? Anybody that messes with him, messes with me.
Did you want to mess with me? No way.
Oh, my hero.
Oh, here's a real man for you.
That beard kind of tickles.
Badda-boom badda-bing.
Bet's to you, paladin.
Two bits.
[Burp.]
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
The king.
Judges.
5.
5.
Thank you.
A 5 from the communist judge.
Did I tell you guys about my cousin Leon? He bought two mail-order brides through a catalogue.
UPS delivered them to his door buck naked.
They both looked like Michelle Pfeiffer, except they had really big heads.
Ok, who wants to chip in for Arnie's therapy? He's paying me for that story.
I told you about me dating that belly dancer, right? Oh, listen to this.
This chick had such muscle control, she could pick up Hey, honey.
Jackie, D.
J.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
Can I try on my Halloween costume, mom? Well, hey, go knock yourself out.
So what were you all saying? Oh, yeah, I'd, uh You could use a cross-cut saw on that, but I'd use a band saw, 'cause it's a lot easier.
You look like a band saw man.
Hey, you better use your coasters.
Ha, made you look.
Power tools.
That's their little code for "Fallopians approaching.
" Like we don't know what goes on when we leave that room.
They talk about their first time, their last time, and how many times.
Then they multiply it by five and spit at each other and go home.
I wonder why.
We're talking about the only animal on earth that would wear black socks with Bermuda shorts.
[Baby talk.]
Now, we put on our little ears.
Why do I have to do this? Because her needs a Halloween costume.
I don't want to go to Dan's stupid lodge stupid haunted house thing.
But it's for charity.
But it's no fun having some 60-year-old guy with a pot belly jumping at me saying "ooga booga.
" It was scarier now than when I was 8.
I want to see you get out there again.
I just broke up with Gary.
I'm depressed.
I'm tired and miserable.
I look so cute.
I'll get you, my pretty.
Hey.
You look great.
So scary.
I need a broom.
It's in the kitchen.
Hey, hey.
Look everybody, D.
J.
's a witch.
Why don't you fly upstairs and put on your pjâs? I can't fly without a broom.
Sure you can.
Look.
Ok.
I'll be up in a minute, champ.
Two daughters isn't enough for you? What are you talking about? He's dressed like a witch.
Witches are girls.
This is the 90s, Dan.
Witches are women.
We can't let him do this.
He got to pick his own costume.
Why not something like a vampire or a nice ax murderer? Like, um, Lizzie Borden? There's other ax murderers, Roseanne.
I get it.
You want him to be a manly virile stud of an ax murderer.
There's no little sissy ax murderer for Dan Conner's boy.
Boys shouldn't dress up like girls.
Darlene dressed up like a pirate three times.
That was cute.
He'll come home with a bloody nose.
That is stupid.
I got to get back in there.
Would you talk to him? D.
J.
! Instead of a witch, you want to dress up like Madonna? I did my best.
Hi, mom.
Yeah.
So how long you going to be? Ok.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
Ok.
Bye.
Dad, mom's still at work! She says she and aunt Jackie will meet us there! I'll be right out! Darlene, you're not even ready.
We'll be leaving any minute.
I don't feel so good.
What's wrong? My stomach.
Oh! Oh, my god! Oh! Aah! Aah! Aah! So do you want some Pepto Bismol or something? Ok.
Let's get going.
Where's D.
J.
? We'll get him.
[Imitating Curly.]
You don't look half bad, toots.
Thank you.
I'm supposed to remind you to bring the brownies.
[Imitating the Three Stooges.]
Lamebrain, you forgot the brownies.
Boink.
Ow ow ow.
Hey, leave him alone.
Oh, wise guy, eh? Nyaaaah.
W-w-w-woo W-w-w-w-woo Woo! All right, knock it off.
I'll get the brownies.
Hey, hey, hey.
Uh, what's this? It's D.
J.
I thought you changed your mind? No.
Well, look, the costume's great and everything.
Why not just, uh, say you're a warlock? What's a warlock? It's a guy witch.
Ok.
Let's get rid of this.
Why? Warlocks don't have brooms.
Then I want to be a witch.
Witches are girls.
Warlocks are guys.
They can do anything a witch can do.
They can turn people into frogs, they make thunder and lightning, Grant wishes.
That's a fairy godmother.
Rrah! You're not helping.
Ok, look, uh Oh, hey, look! It's a magic wand.
You take this and tell people you're a wizard.
I don't want it.
I don't want anything.
All right.
Let's go.
Spread out! Certainly.
I'm not going in there dressed like this.
Roseanne, you're being ridiculous.
You took off your nose and your ears.
Take off your costume.
I'll never get it back on.
Just get in here.
You look adorable.
You really think so? Get in here.
Oh, I left my purse in the car.
Here's a quarter.
Call Dan, and we can get out of here.
I feel like I'm having one of them dreams where you go to school in your underwear.
Come on.
It's Halloween.
I'm the only person here in a costume.
Hello.
Who is this, Eddie? Oh, Arnie.
Listen, is Dan around? Could you find him and tell him that the car broke down and to pick me and Jackie up at the Lobo? Tell him to hurry.
Trick or treat to you, too, Arnie.
This will be a while.
We should wait in the car.
It's freezing outside.
I'll buy you a drink.
Ok.
A little help.
What can I get you? I'll have a white wine.
What about you, fella? Come on, pal.
I'm busy here.
What are you drinking? [Deep voice.]
Give me a beer.
Don't do this.
You'll embarrass us.
Call me Bob.
White wine for the lady, and a beer for you, pal.
So, uh, how's the action in here? Oh.
Action? Chicks.
I don't know, fella.
Ladies bowling league comes at 10:00.
10:00, huh? Good thing I brought my little squeeze box with me.
Oh You're such a pig.
Yeah, but that's why you like me, right, honeybunch? That'll be 4 bucks.
Pay the man, doll.
Well, why should I pay? You're the man.
You pay.
You know I left my purse in the car.
Oh, all right.
I'll pay for you again.
I don't know why I always am attracted to these losers.
Gee, it must be her time of the month.
Now I know why you're single.
You're such a lousy date.
Look, Bob, I'm going to go call Dan again.
Fine.
I'm going to mingle.
No, don't.
Don't.
You're not serious.
Me and the guys, we're going to hang out.
You got a problem with that, babe? Excuse me.
Um, you know, you could do much better.
I don't see you here with anybody.
You're kidding me? Honest to god.
This broad was so hot, I thought she was going to kill me.
Yeah.
Badda-bing badda-boom.
So then, she brings out this suitcase full of sex toys, and I'm thinking, this broad is freaky.
As long as you're getting your battery charged, what's the damn difference? While you're getting your car washed, you might as well get the hot wax.
I want to know what she wants with you when she's got a suitcase full of sex toys.
That supposed to be a joke? Ok.
Oh.
Well, anyway We were going pretty good, and I was catching my groove, doing what makes me me, and then her roommate walks in and says, "can I join you?" Are you kidding me? Yeah, right.
I mean, way to go! Then her roommate takes off all her clothes, and I got both of them to deal with.
Hold on a minute.
Let me ask you a question.
Are you making this stuff up as you go along? You calling me a liar? No.
Badda-boom badda-bing.
Yeah, oh, I mean, long as you're getting your, uh Cue chalked, it don't matter what ball you hit.
Did I mention these girls were, uh, these girls were coeds Then just keep an eye out for him, ok? Hurry up.
Bye.
What? Oh, man.
What? Man, it was awesome.
It reminds me of that movie where that lady hung out with the gorillas, but they accept her as one of their own.
Cool.
What did they talk about? Well, ok, the head gorilla, he's like standing around telling these sex stories, and the less dominant gorillas are just standing around believing it.
What's so new about that? I think I figured out why they do it.
Do tell.
If one of them has sex, it seems like the rest have a chance, too.
So you think that's it? It gives them a feeling of hope and pride.
Order me another beer.
Why? Where are you going? I'm going to the men's room.
No, Roseanne.
Don't go in there.
Don't do it.
I'm just going to go update your phone number.
God, it stinks in here.
Ahh.
Aah.
So how you doing? Fine.
You watch that, uh, Blackhawks game on TV? No.
Oh, you're a Bulls fan, eh? Oh, I get it.
It's like being in an elevator.
Aaauuugh! Give me a break.
How you doing, Mr.
Thompson? Hi, girls.
This is even lamer than last year.
But did you see that Freddy Krueger guy checking me out? Beck-head, there were 19 Freddy Kruegers.
Which one are you referring to? The cute one.
This is just great.
Rosie called.
Her car broke down.
She and Jackie need to be picked up at the Lobo.
Aw, man.
That stupid car.
Hey, Arn? Yo.
I who are you supposed to be? I'm Elvis' ghost, man.
[Imitating curly.]
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Let's go pick up your mom.
Where's D.
J.
? I saw him in the chamber of everlasting horror.
Yeah, whining about that stupid broom.
Oh, jeez.
You guys wait here, ok? D.
J.
Deej.
Aagh! Hey, Jimmy, you seen D.
J.
? No, Dan, I haven't seen him.
Deej.
Deej.
D.
J.
Hey, Andy, you seen my boy? He's dressed up like a w wizard.
Give it up, Dan.
The kid's a witch.
Andy, you got three boys.
This is a phase, right? Oh, yeah.
The kid hits a certain age, he does weird stuff.
I think D.
J.
's hiding.
I probably traumatized him.
He just wanted a broom so he could pretend to fly.
That probably means he wants to be a pilot.
You can't turn everything he does into a career.
It means more to you than to him.
Yeah, but some kid might deck him.
We were kids.
We survived, right? Look at us now.
Dad.
D.
J.
? Dad? D.
J.
Where you been, boy? Scaring people.
Yeah? Well, you scared me.
I didn't know where you were.
You mad at me? Nah.
You mad at me? Nah.
All right.
Let's go get you a broom.
Ok.
Whenever my old lady gives me crap about equality, I just tell her, you're so equal, let's see you pee on a campfire.
Hey, uh, Bob, looks like your old lady just found a new fireman.
Well, we got an open relationship.
That 'cause you can't keep her in line? Well, it's harder to control a woman who ain't inflatable.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Yo, bitch! You're making me look bad in front of the other guys.
I don't see any ring on this finger.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi Crystal? What are you doing here? I'm here to drown my sorrows.
Get me a pink squirrel.
Keep them coming.
I had a terrible date, and it's my fault.
I could have ordered chicken, which was reasonably priced, but I had to have the surf and turf, signaling I owed him something.
When I was not accommodating, he dumped me.
Stop blaming yourself for everything.
You got a right to eat without letting some guy put you on the menu.
You're better than that.
Really? You got to tell yourself you're a quality woman and stop judging yourself according to what men think.
What's your name? Don't you recognize me? Well, refresh my memory.
Where might we have met? At Roseanne's house? Roseanne? Trick or treat.
Well, of course, I knew it was you.
No, you didn't.
I was playing along.
No.
You were ready to sleep with me.
I was going to make you buy me dinner first.
Hello, girls.
Bob.
Hey.
Of course you ladies recognize Warren Beatty.
You want to dance? I'm talking with my friends.
Maybe some other time.
You'd rather sit with burl Ives than dance with me? Let's dance.
No, thank you.
I'm not going to bite you.
Unless you want me to.
Oh, Hardy har har.
Hey, nobody's talking to you.
Come on, let's dance.
No.
Leave her alone.
I'll dance with him.
You will not.
Sit down! I'm sick of you.
You've been in my face all night.
Just take a hike.
Who's going to make me? Yeah, that's real grown up.
Fight about it.
Fine with me.
Come on, fat boy.
Let's take it outside.
Well, she She started it.
Ok, ok, I have to tell you something.
I'm a woman.
You're going to be when I'm done.
Hey.
Leave him alone.
What's it to you? He's my husband.
What? Anybody that messes with him, messes with me.
Did you want to mess with me? No way.
Oh, my hero.
Oh, here's a real man for you.
That beard kind of tickles.
Badda-boom badda-bing.