Roseanne s03e09 Episode Script

[Television plays.]
I said turn it down, toad brain.
You're not my boss.
I'll rip your face off from the inside, goon.
You cannot harm me.
Sorry.
So you really think it was cool, huh? Yeah, who said? Wow.
I guess the whole school knows.
What does the whole school know? Class picture.
Fourth row, second from the left.
Oh, my god.
Becky, you're giving the finger.
Let me see.
D.
J.
, go watch TV.
I can't believe it.
The nerd flips the bird.
I'll call you back, ok? Come on.
You were just scratching your shoulder, right? Why is it such a surprise? Because you're a butt-kisser, and you never get into any decent trouble.
I'm totally impressed.
Wrong, Jackie.
It's Paul Revere and the Raiders, but Mark Lindsay was the singer.
Like there was a Paul Revere.
Read the back of the album.
Paul Revere's the blond guy playing the keyboards.
Why didn't he sing? Because Mark Lindsay sang better.
How come it wasn't Mark Lindsay and the Raiders? Because Paul's mother let them practice in their garage.
Oh.
Becky got a picture today, and she won't let me see it.
It's just my class picture.
I didn't want him getting it all gross.
Well, let me see it.
Sure.
See? I want to see.
Me first.
Why? 'Cause.
No fair.
Becky, where are you? You mean you can't see me? Look, everybody.
Daddy's home.
Oh, hi, daddy.
Hi, Princess.
Bud, kitten.
Margaret.
What is it, our anniversary with the big, greasy car part? You're fixing her car, and I won't have to drive her.
Come on.
We've had fun together.
It's fun listening to you give directions.
Speed up, slow down, turn left, turn right, date him, not him.
I got the part I've been looking for.
All I got to do is figure out what it is.
Oh, look.
This guy's giving the old one-digit salute.
Yeah, where? Right here.
It's very subtle, under the chin.
There's another one around the back.
Oh, look it, a double, the guy with the arms crossed.
Bravo.
Here's the guy adjusting his glasses.
He's rubbing his eye.
Ooh, a mislead.
Let me try to find one now.
You thought it was funny when the other kids did it.
But the other kids aren't my kid, right, Dan? Not to my knowledge, dear.
Well, I'll leave you guys alone since I know how disappointed you are in Becky.
I think I'm getting a "D" in math.
Go to your room.
What's Becky doing? D.
J.
D.
J.
, go watch TV.
I can't believe it's Becky.
It's almost as good as his we're number one in the football picture.
That was a classic.
Your parents were so very overjoyed.
They were so uncool.
I don't know, Dan.
We ought to do something.
I'm not punishing her for this.
But we got to be parents.
Not ours.
We can't bust her for things we did.
Yeah, but I mean, on one hand, I don't want her to think we approve, then on the other hand, I feel so close to her right now.
Say, guys.
Um, your son just gave Gilligan the finger.
Dan.
Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island.
Dan.
All right.
All right.
D.
J.
, get in here, little buddy.
Becky! Yeah? Have a seat.
Let's see.
Uh, how could I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors.
See the big guy in the third row? Don't stick him up in the air at anybody.
Mom did when she was driving.
Well, the idiot cuts me off.
Scoot.
Ok.
I'm going to see if this fits.
They've taken these pictures forever.
You'd think the photographer was wise to it.
Well, every generation thinks they're the first.
You know that picture of Washington crossing the Delaware? The guy in back looks like he's rowing See? Now you think the painter would've caught that.
So how much trouble am I in? Sit down.
So? So? This doesn't seem like you, Becky.
Did you know these guys? Was it a dare thing or something? No.
I just did it.
I don't know why.
Don't do it again, or you're going to get grounded.
Ok.
Is that it? You're doing dishes tonight, too, and that's final.
But, mom, it's my turn to do the dishes.
Yeah, well, nobody has to know that.
Yeah, that's correct, Amy.
Fourth row, second from the left.
Yeah, her name's Becky Conner My sister.
I do, too, have a sister.
She's just been in, uh reform school.
Darlene, you want to hand me that dish? Got to go.
Fingers needs me.
Here you go Sis.
Thanks.
That was Amy Williams.
Her sister's a senior, and even she knows about it.
Seniors are talking about me? Everyone is.
It's like all of a sudden you're Cool.
Well, I've always been cool But sometimes it's just Cooler not to flash how cool you really are.
[Door slams.]
We should just get a new car.
That car was built the year Becky was born.
It's got a lot of history.
We bought it last year.
It's got somebody else's history.
We can't afford our own history.
[Telephone rings.]
Let's get a used '81.
Oh, an '81! Dream on! Yeah.
Hold on a minute.
Uh, it's for "Mrs.
Conner.
" It sounds serious.
Who is it? It's Becky's school.
Hello.
This is, uh, Mrs.
Conner.
Uh-huh.
Geez! Yeah, ok.
I'll be there.
What? You and your finger just got suspended.
Cool! Cool? You think it's cool I have to see the principal and take time off? You think that's cool, huh? Uh Mmm Becky.
And don't be thinking you'll be laying around here on your butt and watch TV.
There's plenty stuff to do around here.
Dan, you'll be home fixing the car, right? Make sure she does it all.
A minute ago you said it was no big deal.
Well, that was before you got me in trouble.
Now I got to go to your school.
I don't want to go to school.
Don't worry, honey.
It'll be all right.
If you run into that assistant principal who told me I wouldn't amount to anything, tell him Dr.
Conner says hi.
Will the following students please report to the administration office? Brian McDermott.
Thank you.
Um, I'm Rebecca Conner's mom.
I'm here to see the principal.
He'll be right with you.
Please Take a seat with the other mothers.
Finger? We're all fingers over here.
Roseanne Harris? I used to be.
Well, I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
What is it, 15 years? It's at least that long.
Isn't this weird, running into each other, especially at the principal's office? I'll tell you what's really weird.
What? I don't have the foggiest idea of who you are.
Anne Marie.
Dixon? It's Mitchell now.
Did you marry Chuckie Mitchell? Yeah.
Who would've thought.
You? Well You remember that good-looking blond guy that took me to the junior dance? Yeah.
Yeah, he dumped me.
I ended up with Dan Conner.
It's really good to see you.
Yeah.
Boy This place really brings back memories, like the time we got dragged in here for burning our bras, and you told Principal Leeb it was a political statement.
Oh, man.
Ya know, Anne Marie, it wasn't even my bra that I burned.
It was Sally Glimpsher's little tiny bra.
No.
She didn't need it, and I had gym that day, so I figured I wasn't going to get on the trampoline.
I could've hurt somebody.
I remember Sally Glimpsher.
Boy, she was always in trouble.
I think they were just giving her conjugal visits in detention.
So tell me, which one is yours? Mmm, right there.
Aw Mm-hmm.
It's her first obscene gesture.
Her father and I are just so proud.
Here's Chuckie Jr.
Oh, geez, he's got his father's finger.
Yeah.
This is taking a while, isn't it? I hope I'm not late for work.
Me, too.
I hope to talk this guy out of the three-day suspension.
I hope I can talk at all.
I feel like I'm 15, listening to what a horrible person I am.
I used to sit there gnawing on my fingernails.
Yeah.
Of course now they've grown back, and I think I can handle it.
Principal Hiller will see you now.
I didn't do nothing! Anne Marie did! Get out of here! Ladies, thanks for coming down.
Please, have a seat.
Boy, everything sure looks a lot smaller.
No offense.
Now, what do we think about this? Mrs Mitchell.
Mrs.
Mitchell, yeah.
And your son has been suspended for three days.
True.
Well, you must have an opinion about that, and I'd like to hear what it is.
I really think a three-day suspension is a little much.
I think she's right.
I have to agree here.
I'm not saying flipping the bird is right, but three days is a long time.
Couldn't you start smaller, say, like, first a warning, and then maybe detention? Something like that? Ok, you may be right, but I don't think so.
You see, this is the warning.
Next time they're down for something, it'll be two weeks.
Two weeks at home, watching TV.
Boy, that'll really make them mad.
Yeah.
And you are? Roseanne Harris Er, Conner.
Well, it's easy to see where Becky gets her attitude.
What do you mean by that? She's she's 16, she gets really good grades, she's not pregnant.
I'd say that's damn near perfect.
Well I have evidence to the contrary here, Mrs.
Conner.
What are you saying, she's a bad kid, or are you calling me a bad mother? I know how hard it is to juggle a career and children.
Hey! My children are my career, ok? You must be talking about my job, which you're making me late for.
Me, too.
I sympathize, ladies, really I do, but I just can't do this all by myself.
Maybe you could spend the days with your kids and teach them about respect Respect for others, respect for themselves.
Uh, do your kids do this in the family pictures? No way.
No.
They do it here.
That's right.
Following that logic, Mrs.
Conner, as long as they're not stealing anything out of your living room, they can hold up a convenience store.
We're not talking about armed robbery here.
We're talking about teenagers flipping the bird.
I think we should get over it.
Maybe you're right, but I don't think so And neither do all these parents who have called in to complain about the photo.
They want it re-shot at our cost.
Frankly, Mrs.
Conner, that's not within our budget.
What would you have me tell them about what your daughter did? Uh That it's a political statement.
Funny But I don't think they would laugh, and I don't think they want to "get over it," because they did their job as parents.
If you won't do yours, I'll see that it won't happen again by handing out a longer suspension next time.
Now Let's try this again.
What do we want to do about this? Did you drain the oil out of the crankcase? Yeah.
Take the filter off? Uh-huh.
Put the oil in the pan? Yeah.
All this black stuff came squirting out.
Slide on out of there.
Thank god.
Yeah.
Now you're ready to lube.
You know, dad, I-it's not like I don't like all this or anything, but mom kind of wanted me to work in the house.
But mom's not here.
Dad, I hate all this.
I know, but you're keeping your old dad company, and, damn, we're having fun! Now get back on under there.
Dad? Yeah.
What am I supposed to do? Sorry.
You know those pointed doohickeys I showed you? Yeah.
Point your gun at them and fire.
Ok.
Eww! All this yellow slime is oozing out.
Oh, my god! Get out of there quick! Sorry about that.
It was a little garage humor.
Real funny, dad.
Ohh, look at my hands.
They're all greasy and dirty.
Here you go.
Wipe them off on this sandwich.
Say, dad, were you ever suspended? Just once.
For what? Snoring too loud in detention.
Spent the next three days tuning up my dad's Rambler.
So this is kind of like a time-honored family tradition, huh? You bet.
Get on back under there now.
Hi.
Where's your dad? In the garage.
What? No hug and kiss for your good daughter? As soon as I get one.
Hi, mom.
What are you doing with Becky's picture? I put that in my special hiding place.
That's where I found it.
Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture? Three hands? Yeah.
Look.
Let me see.
Ahh! She didn't do it.
I'll kill her! This turned out pretty good.
If you're expelled, you can do lube work.
You know, don't you? Know what? Have a look, Dan.
It's not your finger, is it? It could've been.
Hey, Becky's got three hands.
Catch up, Dan.
What do you mean, "could've been"? It was the kid next to me.
Why didn't you say anything? The picture came out, and everyone thought I was cool.
You two didn't seem to care, so I figured, "hey, I'm popular.
Might as well go with it.
" And then you got suspended, and I had to go down to the principal's office and get humiliated.
How long were you going to go with this? Till now? You let your mom take the heat to be popular? I'm sorry, but I didn't get away with anything.
I got suspended.
Well, you're going to school tomorrow.
I can't.
Oh, yes, you can.
I'll take another hour off work and straighten everything out with our principal.
Then everyone will know I didn't do it.
Yeah.
Life sucks, don't it? You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you're mad because I didn't? Next year I'll moon the class photo so you'll be proud of me.
Just make sure that it's your own butt.
You'll have to wait.
I've been waiting for this all my life.
I'm baaaack.
What is it, Mrs.
Conner? Fourth row, second from the left.
Did you ever lay awake nights thinking, "if I had that one moment to live over again, I would do it differently"? I'm having that moment, and you're in it.
Obviously there's been a little mistake.
I'll lift Becky's suspension.
And I think an apology's in order.
Ok.
I think you're right.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Conner.
And what about the other mothers that were in here? Their children really did it.
Their kid makes one mistake, and they're bad mothers? I believe how a student behaves reflects the attitudes of the parent.
What if Becky wishes she'd done it? What kind of mother would I be? I have already apologized I'll tell you what kind of mother that makes me The exact same kind of mother I was yesterday.
No matter how much we try to control our kids, at some point, they'll just do what they'll do.
They are like people that way.
But isn't it our job, Mrs.
Conner, to make sure they become responsible, mature adults? Absolutely, absolutely.
But we must remember, Mr.
Hiller, that it's not easy.
Like, say, when I'm in here next year because of something my Darlene does And I will be here Just remember that today I was a good mother.
I'll do that, Mrs.
Conner.
See you next year.
Tuesdays will be good for me.
Attention, all students taking Latin, you're wasting your lives!