Roseanne s06e24 Episode Script

I need to know, bo, Does Vicky really love Sloan? Or is there a chance I can win her back? What are you doing? I'm watching my stories.
Bo really loves Nora, but the court case is tearing them apart.
And Cord is helping out Luna-- Oh! I just dropped your baby.
Shh! In a second! [baby coos.]
Oh, Jackie.
You're not gonna get what you want from these soap opera guys.
They can only love you for an hour a day.
'course, that is four times longer than Dan.
Well, they may not really exist, but they're better than Fred.
I am not gonna let this happened to you, Jackie.
You're turning into that scary old lady down the block With the satellite dish and the tall grass.
[knocking.]
[Fred.]
hey, Jackie! [sighs.]
Get rid of him.
Hi, Roseanne.
I came by to talk to Jackie.
Think it's a good idea? Sure, you got your dental records, don't ya? I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, Roseanne.
I was gonna propose and everything, But it just seemed like a more sensible idea for us to live together.
Well, aren't you just Jackie's knight in sensible armor.
What's she been doing the last couple of days? She's been comparing you to these soap opera guys.
Guess who's ahead? [sighs.]
[tv plays.]
Oh, god.
I suppose she wants me to be more like this guy.
No.
That guy's in love with his mailman.
But maybe some of these other guys.
Roseanne, I don't understand this romantic stuff.
What am I supposed to do? I don't know, but you should do something just for her, real special.
Like what? I don't know! But it should be, like, you know, big and dramatic.
She's always hated that beard.
My beard? Hey, i've had this beard since high school.
Yeah, I know, but you were just wearing it then so you could look old.
Trust me, you don't need it no more.
I always thought my beard made me look more interesting.
You know, i've talked to a lot of women, And they say that the only interesting thing about you Is Jackie.
Well, all right.
I love this beard.
But if you think shaving it off is gonna prove something to her, I'll give it a try.
Thanks, Roseanne.
No problem.
Well, what'd you do that for? I don't hate his beard.
Yeah, I know, but it always kinda bugged me.
Who's your mommy? Huh? Who's your mommy? Maybe you'd have a better idea who his mommy is If his mommy would just give in and marry his daddy.
Who's your annoying old hag, huh? So Fred didn't propose last time.
I bet he would if the next time he came over, You were wearing a nice dress And maybe a little lipstick.
He's a pig.
[doorbell rings.]
He's a pig with a steady job.
Nothing but the best for your little girl, huh, mom? Why, it's Darlene and young David! I bought a rattle for the baby.
Just thought i'd drop it off.
Oh, David, how sweet! David's always thrilled to meet someone smaller than him.
He's so cute.
I just love him.
Darlene, you wanna hold him? Yes! Uh, it's just like a cat, right? Grab it by the back of the neck? That's a boy! Sure.
[baby cooing.]
There's a boy.
Now what? Now just hold him and enjoy it.
[baby cries.]
oh, ho, ho Okay, i'm done.
Oh How can you be done? Look at his little hat.
Doesn't he make you wanna have a baby? No, I don't like kids.
I didn't even like myself till I was 14.
Wait a minute.
So, you don't wanna have kids? I mean, I thought we were gonna be together.
What if I want one? Well, you're gonna have to plant your seed somewhere else, farmer bob.
So, what I want doesn't count at all? I mean, having my baby would be a wonderful way of saying how much you love me.
Hearing you say that, David, my new goal in life is to die barren.
Don't be silly, Darlene.
Women were made to make babies.
The end! Oh, god, not even you could believe that crap, right, David? Well, you all seem to be pretty good at it.
So, what are you saying, it's a woman's job to have children? I mean, can you really be that sexist? Me? I am not sexist.
I am much too frightened of women to be sexist.
Well, then what did you mean? I didn't mean it was a job.
I just think that it's every woman's satisfying, Fulfilling obligation.
Oh, come on, Darlene.
This is not my opinion.
This is just nature.
I mean, you can't see that 'cause you're just being irrational.
Oh, you're right, David.
I'm not being rational.
I know, I must have my period or something, right? I would never say that, but are you? David, I just changed my mind about premarital sex.
Darlene She always gets like that.
Did I tell you I like his little hat? Stay away from my son.
Don't mind Jackie, David.
I think her friend is visiting.
What? What's the matter? Jackie just told me what you said to Darlene, and I cannot believe you.
She didn't understand me.
She said that you told her that having a baby Was her obligation.
Oh.
Well, I guess she did understand me.
[laughs.]
women.
How can she think i'm anti-woman? She's your wife.
Compared to you, I am a woman.
Compared to a woman, you're a woman.
Maybe it just so happens that i'm secure enough with my masculinity To be a woman.
Dave, your problem is women expect a lot from you.
When you turn out to be just another guy, then they're all let down.
You think it's better for women not to expect much of you? Sure, then any little thing you do, They love you for.
Thanks, Mark.
You don't usually help me out like this.
We should talk more often.
Yeah, i'd like to.
Really? Yeah.
But right now, I gotta run upstairs.
When I tell Becky I think you're a sexist jerk, It's gonna pay off big! Got another one for ya.
Where'd you get that? I'm already washing every dish in the house.
Yeah, i'd like to help, but I think there's a game on.
All right, enjoy yourself.
I'm just gonna keep doing dishes.
'cause I noticed that there's still some skin left on my hands.
Hey, you guys.
See, Dan? What'd I tell ya? He does have a weak and characterless chin.
I gotta talk to Jackie right away BecauseI think I know what she wants.
I been watching her soaps.
Jackie? We gotta talk.
Oh, god.
Fred, You keep showing up, you think eventually i'll change my mind? Will you marry me? Don't you think we should leave? We should, but pipe down.
Fred, I don't feel like I can Give you an answer right now.
That's good, 'cause I don't want your answer yet.
First I want to take you away, to a cabin by lake geneva.
I rented a red one, right on the water, Just like the one you used to dream about when you were a little girl.
And then, I want to sit in front of the fireplace, And I wanna drink champagne and just look at you.
And I don't want you to answer me until midnight.
Because that way, if you say no, I'll have had at least one perfect night with you.
You can watch the kid, can't ya? Aw.
Well, I don't know about you, But I had a tough time keeping a straight face through that one.
What? Oh, come on, Roseanne.
Couldn't you see what was going on? Old freddy was in the doghouse and he barked his way out.
Ah, damn.
No game on.
I do not believe you, Dan.
The most romantic thing we'll probably ever witness in our lives, Right here, in our own house, And it doesn't even touch you in the least bit.
Ah, touch me.
Who said it didn't touch me.
I just-- ooh, look, rugby.
We have no romance in our lives! What are you talkin' about? I'm very romantic.
Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.
Come on, Roseanne.
We're too old for what that stuff Jackie and fred are gonna do there.
Besides, we got stuff that's better than romance.
We got, uh, memories of romance.
I'm just gonna watch this game, if that's okay.
You don't need the game, Dan.
You've got memories of games.
I must remember to beat Fred.
[jazz plays on tv.]
Well, so you joined us at last.
This is most truly a wonderful surprise.
Well, my marriage has finally hit the skids.
I'm all yours, Boyd.
Now that you're here, my thirst is quenched.
Hold on, you two.
You may be my brother, and you may be my son, But this is a woman.
A woman i'm not related to.
Out of my way.
Wait a minute.
I'm looking for romance, but I can't have all of you.
At least, not at the same time.
If you'll be mine, my darling, I can give you everything You've always wanted.
Wow! I've always wanted everything that i've always wanted.
Don't listen to him.
Okay? Because what you need Is a soul mate.
Someone who can extinguish The loneliness burning in your soul.
Someone who knows your deepest, Darkest thoughts.
[Roseanne.]
man, this guy is good.
He really knows what goes on inside of us women.
[man.]
it's true.
I do know what's going on inside of you.
[Roseanne.]
really? Can you hear this? Yes.
Can you hear this? Wow! Talk about being in sync.
What about you, Cord? [Roseanne.]
wow! Good answer.
[Dan.]
Roseanne, i'm home! Cheese it, it's my husband! Hey, I thought I kicked you out.
No, you kicked out Dan conner.
I have returned as Dan Juan.
How come you don't smell like cars? Because I am wearing cologne.
Where'd you get that? You better not have watered down any of my Jean Nate.
No, it's my own.
It come in the mail.
From the vintage sellers at the a&p.
Wow, wine! We haven't had wine since the night we, uh, Celebrated the odometer on your truck rolling all the way Around to zero again.
[chuckles.]
Break out the crazy straws, baby.
I am in a mood.
Oh, Dan, you know I am a sucker For a man who can harness the power of fire.
Yeah.
Prepare yourself for a little treat.
[chuckles.]
let the romance begin.
Romancing the bone? Yeah, I figured we could pop it in, watch it for a few minutes, And then, you know And then what? Barf? I did something wrong, didn't I? No, Dan, you just did everything wrong.
This is nothing but disgusting, pornographic filth.
Got romance in the title.
It's just some sick old male fantasy that only appeals to other sick old males.
It can't be just for men.
It's got scenes with only women.
I did this for you.
Fine, if you don't want this, what the hell do you want? We been married 21 years.
You oughta know what I want by now.
Well, obviously, I don't.
Why don't you just tell me and i'll just do it! Because if I have to tell you what it is, Then I might as well just go do it myself.
Darlene, may I speak with you, please? Hey, dave, we don't need that macho crap in here.
I think I can handle it.
I know you can.
It's just the kind of stuff that this guy says Really ticks me off.
Makes us all look like pigs.
I put mayo on both sides.
Just the way you like it.
Thanks, babe.
Darlene, listen.
I realize how unfair I was being to you.
Uh Look, the fact is I love you so much that even if you don't wanna have kids, I still wanna be with you forever.
Really? Yeah.
Wow.
David, you're never gonna be happy if you don't have kids.
Well, If you ever change your mind-- no pressure-- Um, and you're willing to have kids, I could be the one to stay home and raise them.
I could change their diapers and take them to school And do all that stuff.
You'd do that? Yeah.
[sighs.]
wow.
I mean, but would you still have time to cook? Of course.
I know how important having a career is to you.
You should have everything you want in life.
Thanks.
That is so romantic.
Romantic? The guy stays at home while the girl goes out and earns a living? [sighs.]
so you wouldn't be willing to do that for me? No, it'd be stupid.
Why would it be stupid? Because there's no way you could ever make as much as me.
That's because the world is so unfair to women.
[jazz plays on tv.]
Oh, Cord.
I'm so glad I picked you.
To hell with those other guys.
And their shirts.
Perhaps a sweet? Wow, this looks like real antique china! Yes.
I would never dream of asking you To soil your delicate hands washing dishes.
Boy, you sure do talk pretty for a man.
And tonight, beneath the stars, I plan to serenade you.
Dan did that only once, And he had his hand under his armpit.
A night of romance is what I have in store for you, girl.
A night you will never forget.
But first, We must share this.
Romancing the bone? I'm home, Dan.
So get out.
It's my turn in the house.
Hark, the sound of angels.
Welcome home, honey.
I got a little surprise for you.
Oh, no, not again.
Come on, Roseanne.
I watched your soap, just like Fred, And, you know, I think I learned a few things.
Surprise! Oh, Dan, you cleaned up! No, I cooked dinner.
Who says you can't put a metal pan in a microwave.
[sighs.]
you know, I really appreciate the effort, honey, But you don't get it.
So please don't try anymore.
What, candlelight dinner, that's romantic, isn't it? Yeah, if there wasn't seagulls hovering above the sink.
Yeah, I guess I could wash those, or Oh, wait a minute.
I got an idea.
You know, maybe it'd make your life easier If I gave you this.
What? Yes, Mrs.
R.
Conner, Of Lanford, Illinois.
Say hello to your only slightly used dishwasher.
Oh, my god! Pretty great, isn't it? I was watching them soap operas, and I didn't know what the hell they were talking about, But man, they got commercials for all kinds of dishwashing stuff.
Did you know that glasses aren't supposed to have spots? Oh, Dan, I love you, despite your many flaws.
And I love you, despite my many flaws.
So, is there something special I can do for you? If I had to tell you, it wouldn't be romantic.
Hey! Man, this thing is so cool to watch.
We should take it out there in the living room and trade in the tv for more dishes.
I'm gonna get another beer.
You want one? Yeah, but put mine in a glass and bring it to me on a plate.
I'm back! So, did you say yes? I said yes! [both screaming.]
Congratulations, man.
Yeah, thanks.
How's that traffic? Not bad.
So, where's the baby? 'cause I wanna tell him his daddy's gonna be his daddy.
Eh, you pulled it off, huh? Yeah, well, I couldn't even believe it myself, but Turns out, uh, I'm kind of great at this romantic stuff.
So, anytime you need any pointers, I'm here for you.
Well, i'm not an expert like you, But after 21 years of marriage, There is a little trick I learned That, you know, I could pass on to you.
Really? What is it? Oh, you're just being nice.
You don't want my advice.
No, seriously.
I'm curious.
Surprise her with this.
Yeah, show that to Jackie tonight, It drives women crazy.
Wow.
Thanks.
Yeah, i'm here for you, buddy.