Roseanne s07e04 Episode Script

Rose, where's that itch cream? I got me one fierce bug bite.
Dan, you know that mirror in the bathroom? Well, that mirror is actually a magical door that opens into a world of medicine.
I looked in the medicine cabinet, and it ain't in there.
Are you sure it was the medicine cabinet you looked in? Was it cold? Was there milk and beer in there? Come on, Becky, I can't sleep with the light on.
Well, I can't read with the light off.
I looked on every shelf.
I even moved a jar.
Shh! If I don't get some sleep, I'm gonna be in a bad mood all day tomorrow.
So, how is that different from any other day of the week? Good one, Becky.
I'm tired, and I want to sleep.
Turn off the damn light.
I'm not tired, and I don't want to sleep.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Where's that cream? I got me another bite.
Why don't you go downstairs and read? You can turn on every light in the damn house then.
If I go downstairs- They've been fightin' for three days over a light? No, Dan, they are not actually fighting about a light.
The light is just an excuse for what they're really fighting about, like that time we had the fight about you and your bad breath.
What do you mean? I was actually mad because you came home late, so you brushed your teeth for nothin'.
I'm keeping the light on so I can read.
Fine.
Let's see how well you can read without the light bulb.
Aah! Ha ha ha! He's 23, and he just figures out light bulbs are hot.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well, Roseanne, the reviews are in.
Our suggestion box is full.
You know what that means? Yeah, time to get a new box with no slot on the top.
Oh, you know, I wonder how someone with your obvious people skills could be afraid of a little suggestion box.
Well, it's demeaning.
It reminds our regular customers that they are unable to write.
Well, just remember there is nothing to fear but, well, everything that's inside.
Ha.
Okay, suggestion number 1: "The meat is a little dry.
" I would agree with that.
Suggestion number 2: "Make that uptight blond guy "stop hovering over us while we're trying to eat.
" I would agree with that.
Now let's see suggestion number 3: "Lose the waiter guy.
He reminds me of my mother.
" Well, aren't we clever, Roseanne? Stuffing the suggestion box.
This is your suggestion, isn't it? Guess again.
Well, luckily, uh, I don't value the opinion of anyone who would choose to eat here.
Okay, a deal's a deal.
Free pie.
Sorry I'm late.
The baby kept me up all night.
Well, you married him.
I was up all night, too.
Why? 'Cause Becky and Mark were having a big fight in the next room, and it's hard to sleep when you're wearing a stethoscope.
My, they certainly have been fighting a lot lately, hmm? I try to get Becky to talk about it, but she won't.
It's a shame when a daughter won't talk to her mother about certain marital problems.
You know! I never said that.
You totally know.
What's goin' on? Well, it's sort of a bedroom thing.
I swore to Becky I wouldn't tell.
Well, it's not my fault that you make promises you can't keep.
Well, there's really nothing to tell because there's nothing to tell.
Nothing? So how much nothing? Like five weeks of nothing, and when you're trying to have a baby, that is a whole lot of nothing.
So Becky shut Mark down.
I wonder what his brain's gonna do with all that extra blood.
Yeah, I guess one could interpret the situation in that way if one only had partial knowledge.
Spill it.
Well, um according to Becky, she is not the one holding back.
Wow.
Really? Yes.
Mark is just not interested in sex.
Poor Becky.
Yeah.
Now she'll have to teach him to talk.
But please don't tell Becky that I told you, because I promised.
You know I wouldn't do that.
Besides, my word is every bit as good as yours.
I just think maybe she felt more comfortable talking to someone who might understand her problem.
Oh, no way.
Your kid's and you guys still aren't doin' it? No, we're doing it, but things have gotten kind of rushed.
Well, rushed is kind of fun, you know.
Sometimes me and Dan try to race the microwave popcorn.
It's not fun to rush every time.
Fred is so nervous about wakin' the baby up that he is beginning to gloss over some vital areas.
Oh, my God.
Are you talking about- You mean he gets in the elevator, but he won't go down? If I wasn't gay before, I would be now.
Well, if you weren't gay before, then a whole bunch of guys owe you a big apology.
Hey, have you gotten to the really horny part of pregnancy yet? Well, uh, you don't see any delivery boys circling my house yet, do you? No, so-Well, that must be tough on Dan if you're not all that interested.
Yeah, he's convinced that it's 'cause we're stale, you know, so he thinks he's gettin' these big ideas out of these crazy men's magazines, stuff to try, you know, like, uh last night, he wanted to suck my toes.
Really? Yeah.
Did it get you excited? No! But it got him goin'.
No! Dan? No! Yeah.
Well, it turned out pretty good, but I wasn't gonna kiss him after that.
Hello? Oh, uh, David Healy? How do you girls keep getting this phone number? We've had it changed five times.
Hey, it's a Betty Fuller, and she wants you to go have coffee with her.
Uh, I don't drink coffee.
Coffee is just a code, David.
She's trying to be ladylike.
She can't just come right out and say "Nail me!" Please, Mrs.
Conner, just tell her I'm not in.
Uh, yeah, Betty, hi.
I'm sorry, but, uh, David isn't here.
Apparently, he had an emergency slouch and mope seminar to attend.
But I'll let him know you called.
Thanks, I think.
Why don't you go out with her? Betty's a nice person.
I just don't think it would work out with her.
Well, it doesn't have to work out with her.
She's a practice girl.
You know, she's like the frame that you bowl before you actually start keeping score.
Look, I'm just not ready to have coffee with someone.
When I'm ready to have coffee with someone, then I'll have coffee with someone.
Well, you better start drinking coffee pretty soon, or you're gonna end up alone in your room grinding your own beans.
Good afternoon, family pseudo-family.
Boy, do I feel good.
Well, of course you do.
You haven't been here all day.
You are lookin' at a man whose crew just finished the bi-yearly maintenance on the school buses five-count 'em- five days early.
City's so pleased, they're talking bonus.
It'll never happen, but there is talk.
Well, um, David, could you get out of here? 'Cause I need to speak to Mr.
Conner alone.
Oh, Roseanne, don't speak to me alone.
Not when I just finished the school buses five days early.
Mr.
Conner wants you to stay, and yet I want you to leave.
Whatever will you do? Oh, what? Okay, Becky and Mark, they're having all these sex problems, but after you talk to Mark, then you fill me in.
I just remembered somethin' that I have to deal with that isn't this.
No, come on.
Now, this is serious because this could split Becky and Mark up, and you know how our daughters are- they dump 'em, and then we're forced to raise 'em.
Why don't you talk to Becky? Because Becky isn't the one havin' the problem.
Mark's the one that won't put out.
Whoa.
Boy, am I swamped with the noises in my head.
Come on, Dan, this is serious.
He's gotta talk to another man.
No way.
Men don't talk to each other about this kind of stuff.
I thought you and Mark were supposed to be good friends.
We are friends.
You men.
You say you have these great friendships, but all you really have is just another hairy person to eat chips and itch with.
What could be better? You have to do it, Dan.
You have to do it to help Becky.
No.
I helped my daughter learn to walk.
I helped my daughter learn how to ride a bike.
I helped my daughter with her homework.
But I refuse to help my daughter get some.
I'm tellin' you, he could take him.
You kiddin'? Never.
He could never take Tyson.
I got to go with Bob on this one.
He looked pretty old.
I'm not talkin' about the Rocky in Rocky 5.
I'm talkin' about the Rocky in Rocky 1.
You know, the real Rocky.
All right, I'll tell you who Rocky definitely couldn't take: Terminator.
Oh, that's a completely different thing.
The Terminator guy, he's not even real.
You know what, you guys? You ever think we spend too much time talking about sports and stuff? We never talk about our relationships.
Well I'll tell you somethin' about my wife.
She could take Tyson and the Terminator.
Hey, Dan, I'm serious.
Maybe we should open up a little.
It wouldn't hurt us to talk about personal things that really matter.
Well, I gotta go to the can.
Can't get much more personal than that.
Hey, this is nuts, guys.
I mean, we're all married.
We've all got marital issues.
Fred- Like money and love and sex.
Fred, did Roseanne get ahold of you? Now, take me and Jackie, for instance.
When we first got married, we had a lot of sex.
Then we went through a period where we hardly had any sex at all.
Oh, dear God.
Maybe you're the only one of you not having sex.
What's that supposed to mean? I mean maybe Jackie put some more men on the job.
Okay.
I gave it a shot.
Let's just drop it.
Uh, hit a little bit too close to home, huh? Not my home.
It's not my wife who said she's not gettin' any.
What the hell are you talkin' about? I know what hasn't been goin' on between you and Becky.
I told Roseanne we shouldn't talk about this.
I mean- Just screw the both of youse.
Dan.
God, Fred, what were you thinking? I was tryin' to help.
The guy's obviously in pain.
Well, he's in a lot more now.
Mark, stop punchin' that truck! How did Roseanne get you to talk to him? I think she might be right about this.
Maybe guys should talk more about this kind of stuff.
Wrong! We're guys.
When we talk about sex, there should be bragging, dirty jokes, and the occasional limerick.
That's it.
But women discuss everything, and they live longer.
No, they don't live longer.
We die sooner from boredom from listenin' to their discussions.
I just think if we could talk about more intimate stuff the way that women do, it would make us feel good.
Like, I gotta try to talk to Mark again.
Fred, haven't you been listenin' to me? Why don't you just stop and think? Dan, look, if Mark's havin' a little bit of trouble in the sack, maybe he could use some advice from a guy who's got a pretty good track record in that department.
Kinda counts you out, doesn't it? Excuse me? Come on, Fred, we're communicating.
Doesn't that make you feel just great? Apparently, it's not as great as Roseanne's toes make you feel.
Well, all I know is, you're gonna flunk marriage is you can't pass the oral.
Oh, my God.
Oh, we know too much, we know too much, we know too much.
Dan.
Fred.
There is no graceful way out of this, so let's just look at our feet and walk away.
Get out and date.
I told you, Mrs.
Conner, I'm not ready.
Well, I don't care if you are.
I am.
So I went through your yearbook, and I circled all the girls that looked desperate.
You circled all the cafeteria ladies.
Well, try to ignore the hairnets.
Guess what happened today.
Everyone talked real slow.
How dare you! Because I felt like it, that's why! You know what I'm talkin' about? No, but I don't like your tone! I'm talkin' about you tellin' Jackie about- the other night.
That? Yes, that! What goes on in our bedroom is sacred.
Oh, yeah.
That's from the Old Testament, right? A toe for a toe.
Shut up with that! Now thanks to you, Mark and Fred and I now know stuff about each other that no guy should ever know about another guy.
And what's worse, we all know that we know.
Well, it's not easy being a woman, is it, Dan? You just don't get it, do you? It's gonna take years of us guys not talkin' to each other to get back to where we were.
Why don't you all just cut your tongues out? We all know that Fred doesn't need his.
That's it.
I can play this little game, too, Roseanne.
How would you like it if I told everyone our personal stuff? What if I told everybody that you're not too interested in sex lately? Well, yeah, why don't you go tell everybody that your wife turns you on all the time for sex? That'd really embarrass me.
This sucks.
Fine, Mark, you drive off! You jerk! I can't believe Aunt Jackie.
I confided a huge secret to her, and then she went and told Fred.
Now Mark is madder than ever.
I know.
We all know.
What? Well, your aunt Jackie is a huge blabbermouth, and she tells everybody everything! You should hear what she told about your father! Roseanne! This is great.
So everyone knows that my husband finds me repulsive.
Oh, Becky, nobody thinks that.
Just leave me alone.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You just managed to make everyone's life worse.
Yes, and I'm exhausted! I could use a little help next time! Hi.
I brought you up some dinner.
Everybody was real hungry, though, so it's mostly just peas.
I don't want any.
Becky, remember when you were a little girl and, um, I used to come up here and sit on the bed with you and I used to brush your hair and you'd tell me about all the stuff that happened to you that day in school? We never did that.
Well, I always wanted to.
Mom, I should be studying.
You know, Becky, this problem that you and Mark are having- Mom, I'm really not comfortable talking about this with you.
Well, why not? We're two married, mature women, and I think that we can talk about, you know it.
Mom It's one of the great things about being women, you know? We can talk intimately in a way that men can't.
You know sober.
Mom, I'm pretty sure I know what Mark's problem is.
He's feeling like I'm moving away from him because I'm going to school and he's not.
Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
That's- That's really good.
I know this is not my fault.
I mean, Mark's just feeling insecure, and he needs to work it out.
Well- Well, that's great.
See? See? This kind of girl talk can really help a lot.
Well, I got most of that stuff from David.
You girl-talked with David? Talkin' to David made me feel a lot better.
I bet it made you feel a lot taller, too.
You ready to go? Where you goin'? Just to talk.
David's really sweet.
Well, I'm sweet.
How come nobody ever talks to me? We're just gonna go have some coffee.
David is not ready for coffee.
Yeah, I think I am.
Don't you think you should be having coffee with your own husband? Mark doesn't want any.
Hey, if Mark's not interested in having coffee, then I'll have coffee with her.
Well, I had to hear it again from Dan last night.
I don't cuddle enough.
Oh, man! Cuddling? I hate it.
I work hard all day.
I come home I want my dinner little zip-a-dee-doo-dah slap him on the ass, I'm out like a light.
I always take a couple extra minutes with Dan, you know, to finish him off.
Otherwise, I have to lay there and listen to him gripe.
Daaahhh! Fred.
I really feel bad about what happened at the garage the other day.
I know.
I really hurt you, Mark.
I wanted to call you, but I just didn't feel like I could.
You can call me, Fred, anytime.
You know that.
Even if it's just to talk.
Well, you see, Mark, we don't always get that from you.
I mean, sometimes you seem so distant.
I know, and I- I don't mean to be.
Oh, this is delicious, Dan.
Yeah, but how many calories? Oh, like you should worry.
Hey, now, I got my problem areas.
Oh, please! I would trade my waistline for your thighs any day.
Why don't you roosters give it a rest, huh? There'll be plenty to gossip about tomorrow.
Roseanne, please.
And while, uh, we're on the subject there, cupcake, I think you could do without that pudding.
Why must you always embarrass me in front of my friends?!