Roseanne s08e09 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) Oh, Dan, tell Roseanne I borrowed the double boiler, not the stew pot, And the ladle, not the slotted spoon, okay? You want me to write that down? Jackie was here Took stuff.
- got it.
- Dan.
I'm serious, because Roseanne might need the ladle And I just want her to know that I have it, okay? Jackie has the ladle.
We have a ladle? Hey, I knew it, I knew it.
There's still one credit card company willing to take a gamble on us.
Well, melanie mcphee, customer relations, You're about to lose your job.
And she so looked forward to working with us.
Hey hey hey.
Ray wilson sent us two tickets To come and see him play in Chicago.
Stingray wilson, wow.
Wow.
Man, did you even know he was back in town? Yes, I have heard something to that effect.
Oh, those were good times when you used to play for him.
Not for him, with him.
Some people thought I carried him.
Yeah, right.
Like ringo carried john, paul and george.
I held my own with him, didn't I, Rosie? Yeah, remember that time you guys played the county fairgrounds? You rocked that place.
That was after I left the band.
Oh.
Well then who the hell was I making out with after the show? You know what, Dan? I'm starting to remember now and you were good.
You were really good-- really really good.
Don't patronize me, Jackie, because I really was good.
Rosie, you remember those gigs we played at the sportsman's lodge? We packed that joint five weekends in a row.
Yeah, I remember you would have had six, But the owner bumped you guys for that wrestling bear.
You were in a band? Yes, is that so hard to believe? Yeah.
A little, 'cause-- No, sir.
( theme music playing ) ( laughs ) Hey, d.
J.
, what do you got there? Mice.
Ho ho.
Hey, guys.
Oh, d.
J.
, they're great.
What are you doing with these cute little fellas? I'm bringing them to sell to the research lab.
What? I'm raking it in too.
Look, last batch got me this watch.
D.
J.
, it's blood money and it's wrong.
I think your parents should know about this.
Hey, wait wait wait.
Now what would it take to keep you quiet about this? You're trying to buy me off? You know, darlene's birthday is coming up.
You could probably use a little extra cash.
I don't need it that bad.
I'll just get her something nice and simple With the money I do have.
Yeah, darlene's pretty understanding.
Remember last year when all you did was give her a ride into the country? Now exactly how long did it take you to walk back from the country? ( sighs ) ( stammers ) mice do eat a lot of really fatty foods, Like cheese, So they probably wouldn't live that long anyway.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Let's see here.
This ought to about cover it.
Here, put a nice pretty bow on it.
I'm trying really hard not to notice That you're sending me some nonverbal message.
That or you've got rabies.
Okay, fine, you want to get into this? Jackie made that comment about ringo.
It made me feel like a complete idiot.
You were standing right there and you didn't even come to my defense.
I gave her a dirty look.
You call that defending me? It wasn't just any dirty look, Dan.
It was my combination nostril flare, Lip curl and half a squint.
Go spit.
If you think i'm talented, say it.
I think you're talented.
You're just saying that.
God, your old singing buddy comes back into town And now you're acting like your whole life has been a big mistake.
Not my whole life, Roseanne.
Oh, so it's my fault, right? I had to make a choice.
You made me feel like if I went on the road with ray, You wouldn't be there when I got back.
This isn't about joining a band, Dan.
You're using that as some excuse to avoid what's really going on here.
What's really going on here? Do the words "midlife crisis" Mean anything to you? You are making no sense.
Yes, I am, Dan.
You are the very same age my dad was When he took up with that mistress.
Yeah? Maybe I should check and see If his mistress is still available.
Well, I think enough has been said here.
- good night.
- good night.
You mean we're both actually going to sleep in our bed? Yes, if there's room.
( sighs ) You win.
( phone ringing ) Hello? Hello.
David, you've got to help me.
A couple of the mice got loose.
If my mom finds out, she's gonna kill me.
If two mice live and one little boy is killed, Justice has been served.
Hmm.
I wonder what animal rights activist Darlene would think When she found out that you drove me Down to that lab with those mice.
You wouldn't tell her.
"Darlene, he just sat in the car counting his money While his furry friends were butchered.
" I've got to get my own place.
Hey, how many is a couple of mice? You know, you both can't be the horsie at the same time.
Morning, Jackie.
Yikes.
You guys aren't talking to each other, are you? Wow, your powers of observation Never cease to astound me.
No, actually, Dan thinks that I ruined his life.
Because of me, he did not get to pursue his great dream Of being the king of rock 'n' roll! I did not stop Dan from being a musician.
I know that.
Believe me, I could've stopped him if I wanted to But I didn't.
Did I? Of course you didn't.
Did you? I mean, did Dan ever once stop and think That maybe I gave up some of my dreams too? Yes! When you were eight you wanted to be a magician.
And then you wanted to be the flying nun for a while.
Well, who didn't? Okay, i'm gonna get going.
Just give me the tickets and i'll get out of here.
- what tickets? - the tickets to see ray wilson play.
You gave her our tickets? Hey, you guys are talking again.
No, I didn't just give her the tickets.
She had to promise to help me throw all your crap out.
Well, I still want to go, and i'm going.
Oh, you are going, all right.
So then, looks like it's just you and me, big guy.
Or actually why don't you just go on your own? And you have a good time, pal.
You probably should cut down on your salt, Dan.
That's what killed elvis.
Okay, guys, what are we looking for? Well, if you don't tell anybody-- mice.
( gasps ) oh, god.
Okay, well.
Good luck to you both.
( laughs ) I found them.
Really? Cool! No no, not cool.
Cats.
Lots of cats.
Cats eating mice.
It's a killing field out there.
My business is ruined! That serves you right, d.
J.
.
What you were doing was wrong, and you were forced to stop.
While I mourn for those little mice, Those cats may have done you a big favor.
You're right.
The lab pays $1/lb for cats.
Here, kitty kitty kitty! ( blues music playing ) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
We're taking a little break.
We'll be right back.
But remember the more you drink, the better we sing.
Oh man, I love the blues.
I got to hang out in blues clubs more often.
No you shouldn't, Jackie, you would just depress people.
I'm not kidding, my life is the blues.
I've been chewed up, spit out, rode hard and put away wet.
If it wasn't for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all.
da da da da.
( door knocking ) Oh my god.
Roseanne, Jackie.
- wow.
- hey! - great to see you.
- you too.
Oh, man.
I thought I saw Dan here.
How are you two doing? Oh, we're kind of having a fight.
It's not that same one you had No, it's a different one.
Of course, that one's not over yet either.
So, stingray ( laughs ) There's something that i've always meant to clear up.
You know when you asked me out and I told you I had a cold? I've always felt kind of bad about that.
That's okay, there's no hard feelings.
I just feel kind of bad.
You must've really been hurting 'cause you went And wrote that whole song about it and everything.
What song? You know, "run around," you know.
when I saw through the voice of a trusted friend who needed to humor me and tell me lies I really did have a cold.
Uh, Jackie? That song's not about you.
I think it is, Roseanne.
- tell her, ray.
- it's not about you, Jackie.
( clears throat ) Okay.
All right, so-- good.
Never really cared for that song anyway.
Don't worry about her, she's out of her mind.
She thinks that song "gloria" is about her, too.
Boy, this feels like old times.
Us backstage at a gig, Jackie all hyper, you and Dan fighting.
Yeah, well, this fight's kind of your fault.
You come back to town a big star And now dan's old rock 'n' roll dreams are keeping him up at night.
- really? - yeah.
Well, that and me hitting him.
We've been pretty lucky, What with the kids and everything like that.
And we have a lot of laughs together, But it's not the most exciting life And I think dan's starting to feel it.
The grass is always greener, you know? He'll get over it.
I don't know, he's pretty down.
Hey, you don't think that back then That I wasn't supportive about the music, do you? All right, then what about the other one? god, I want to touch you in the place you want to hide Now that song was about me, wasn't it? Yeah, sure, okay.
I knew it, I knew it, this is so embarrassing.
I've got to get back out there.
Don't worry so much, Roseanne.
( blues playing ) stand and walk stand! ( music stops ) Thank you.
I want to do this next number with my old buddy Dan conner.
Let's see if we can get him up here.
Dan, come on.
Oh god, I hope he makes it through this.
Don't worry about it, Jackie, he'll be great.
( guitar playing ) come on baby, don't you wanna go? oh, come on baby, don't you wanna go? back to the same old place sweet home Chicago oh, come on baby, don't you wanna go? I said come on baby, don't you wanna go? well, to the same old place sweet home Chicago well, one and one is two six and two is eight come on, baby now don't you be late hidey-hey baby, don't you wanna go? back to the same old place sweet home Chicago come on baby, don't you wanna go? I said come on baby, don't you wanna go? back to the same old tale sweet home Chicago.
Thank you.
Put your hands together for Dan conner.
You know, Dan used to be in the band, But he split 'cause he found a better gig, And that better gig's over there.
Take a bow, Rosie.
Oh god, I bet i'm next.
It's good to see two friends who really got it together And love each other a lot.
And Dan you've got a great gig.
Hey, that was my buddy Dan conner singing up there.
Best man at my wedding.
Came here in the same car.
Hey, Rosie, join us.
Hey, bob, leave us.
So, uh, you like what you heard? Yeah, you know i've always been your biggest fan.
I was thinking about it, and maybe it is true.
Maybe I did hold you back.
You didn't hold me back.
You don't have that much power over me.
Okay, you didn't have that much power over me.
I just wanted to be with you.
I'm not your dad.
Yeah, I know.
( blues playing ) oh, once upon a midnight dearie I woke with something in my head I couldn't escape the memory of a phone call and what you said suck it in, suck it in if you're rin tin tin or anne boleyn make a desperate move or else you'll win and then begin to see what you're doing this m.
T.
V.
Is not for free, it's so p.
C.
It's killing me so desperately i'll sing to thee of love sure, but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self and I can't keep these feelings on the shelf i've tried, well, no, in fact I lied could be financial suicide but i've got too much pride inside to hide or slide i'll do as i'll decide and let it ride until i've died and only then shall I abide by this tide of catchy little tunes of hip three-minute ditties I wanna bust all your balloons, I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground, i've found I will not mess around unless I play, then hey, I will go on all day hear what I say, I have a prayer to pray, that's really all this was when i'm feeling stuck and need a buck, I don't rely on luck because the hook brings you back I ain't telling you no lie the hook ooh ooh, yeah on that you can rely.
Thank you.