Roseanne s08e12 Episode Script

Kinda nice being here before the store opens.
Very peaceful.
Very still.
Shh, there's a deer over there by the brillo pads.
Good morning, ladies.
Parkin, manager.
Nice to see you're right on time.
Yeah well, that's 'cause I have to leave early.
Now where can we go to sit and drink coffee? Apparently in your car.
All right.
Here, let me show you the demonstration area you'll be working right down here.
We're expecting a huge crowd this weekend, And if you saw the circular in today's paper, You probably know why.
Oh, they got a newspaper on the weekdays? Yes, they do.
Here are two new products we're rather excited about That you'll be giving out samples of today.
"soyasausage" right here, And cheese in a can.
"'soyasausage,' America's first meatless all-vegetable Sausage-like product.
" Cheese in a can.
"cheese" ( clears throat ) "in a can.
" All right, i've got a lot to do so i'll make this brief: Offer one sample to the customer.
Just one.
Let them try it, then suggest that they buy some To take home, you see? Sound good? Sounds very good.
Mr.
Parkin, Is there a particular type of customer that we should be looking for? I like your pluck.
All right, let's talk demographics.
Each shopper, we find, is looking for something different.
Women in their 40s are looking for quality, for example.
Women in their 20s and 30s are looking for affordability.
On the other hand, men in their 40s are-- Are looking for women in their 20s.
Hey, how much are we getting paid? $4.
25 an hour, Plus-- and here comes the big money-- unit you move.
Wow, I couldn't be more excited If I knew how to multiply.
So if I have a really good day, I could pay for all those christmas presents I just bought.
Right, 'cause they were what? Well, good luck, And just remember the three rules of product sampling.
Chase, tackle, threaten? Smile, sample Sell.
Whatever.
Okay, so Which one do you want, Roseanne? The soyasausages? Oh yeah, you would like that, wouldn't you? 'cause nobody's gonna buy that crap.
Besides, if I go home smelling like sausage, Dan will never let me get any rest.
Smile, sample, sell.
Smile, sample, sell.
Well, hello there, Mrs.
John q.
Shopper.
Smile.
Would you like to try some of our soyasausage? Sample.
Why don't you take some home for your family? They're bound to enjoy it.
Sell.
Sweet damn it, it works.
Oh, relax, Jackie.
You don't have to do anything.
People will eat cotton in a supermarket As long as there's a toothpick in it.
Hey, did you know you could cure cancer With three cups of hot water and a pepper? Yeah, I know we just took these jobs To bring in a little extra cash, But that doesn't mean we don't have to take it seriously.
All right.
I am ready.
Skillet's nice and hot.
I got the toothpicks.
I got the napkins.
Everything is handy within reach.
I got my backup here.
People are gonna start flooding through that door any second.
Don't you think you ought to get your area ready? Come and get it before it hardens.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughs ) You know, Dan, since i'm helping you with this linoleum and all-- Yeah yeah, i'll help you put new linoleum in your trailer.
Who cares about that, man? I wanna be the first person to slide across this in my socks.
You'll be wearing pants too, young man.
Hey, Deej, I thought this might help you draw that cat for your art class.
Now you can use these pictures to study bone structure, Musculature, coloring.
It's a cat calendar.
I know.
Look at March.
This is from 1987.
I can't use this.
All these cats are dead by now! That is not true.
They're on a big farm with a nice cat lady.
- besides, i'm done.
- well, wait a minute.
Let me see.
D.
J.
, you were supposed to draw a cat.
- read the bubble over his head.
- "meow.
" Sounds like a cat to me.
Dan: David, d.
J.
, get in here a minute.
D.
J.
, I think you can do a lot better If you'd just apply yourself.
- you wanna be proud of this, don't you? - I am proud of this.
You try holding a cat down with one hand And tracing it with the other.
Now I've got a very important job for you guys.
You stand in the corners So it doesn't roll up.
And if it does roll up, Don't worry, we'll get you out of there, man.
- hey, Mark, what time's the movie? - 5:00.
We gotta get going.
D.
J.
, you're just gonna ditch your art project to go to some movie? Yeah, he is.
Van damme is so cool.
You know why? His last name's a cuss word.
Mr.
Conner, I don't think d.
J.
Should go to a movie.
Look, he's hardly put any effort into this art project.
Is that so? D.
J.
Is this the absolute best you can do? - yes, sir.
- cool.
- here's some popcorn money.
- thanks, dad! Mr.
Connor, you just let d.
J.
Blow off his homework To go watch some horribly violent movie.
D.
J.
Doesn't have a problem with violence.
You've met his mother.
Now run and get me some more of these encyclopedias.
Oh, and try to keep them in alphabetical order.
I don't wanna spend all day putting them back.
Mmm, smell, everybody.
Smell.
That full-bodied aroma is created by our thoughtful blend of spices.
You know I don't mind getting up a little early each morning To cook soyasausages for my big guy.
Yeah.
My husband thanks me in a thousand different ways.
A knowing glance, a gentle touch, It just makes it all worthwhile.
( laughs ) Mmm, soyasausages.
( laughing ) There we go.
Another sucker, another 15¢.
Okay, now the trick is to aim it right down the center aisle there.
You gotta give it some arm too, 'cause them are two-liter bottles right there.
And i've been doing this for a while.
You guys should start small, Like with a cornish game hen or something.
Now Okay.
Strike! Here's a silly question.
Could you stop doing that? I suggest you try Taking your job a little more seriously.
Try to be more like Jackie here.
Well well well.
You know, Roseanne, You stand in back of that skillet, And you feel all that heat and all that pressure, and you wonder why.
And then one day, the clouds part, And the manager throws a little bit of sunshine into your life.
And then you realize that he's only a grocery-store manager, And all the clouds come back.
This isn't bad.
Oops, got a fish on the line.
Not bad? Why, soy is god's gift to arteries.
That's a lovely blazer you're wearing.
That really brings out the color in your eyes.
Oh well, i'll take three boxes.
Oh, three? Okay.
Hey, that's really a great-looking sweatsuit you got on there.
It kind of matches the rug in my husband's pickup truck.
What's on the crackers? Oh, well, today we're sampling some delightful aerosol cheese.
It's great, I love it.
I've been eating it all day.
Just the one day? You're so witty.
How many would you like? This cheese stuff sucks.
I wanna do them.
You picked the cheese.
That was your choice.
You must be going crazy from the soy fumes.
You picked the cheese.
Okay fine, switch.
No biggie.
I finally found something i'm good at.
I can sell anything.
I'm crazy Jackie! I must be insane! You know what my advice to you is: Just do the best you can.
It's not a competition.
It is now.
Hey! Hey, kid, get over here and eat some of this.
It's soy-tastic.
Hey, these are good.
Why don't you go and tell your mom To come over here and buy a few boxes from me? Oh, my mom's not here.
- well, do you got any money? - no.
Well, get out of here.
I'm sorry, but this is not a cat.
This is an amorphous smear Of existential nothingness.
Oui oui! ( french accent ) now let us retire to henri's And speak of revolution! Well come on, Mr.
Conner, does this look like a cat to you? D.
J.
Says it's a cat, it's a cat Recovering from a stroke.
Made all the more tragic by his having no neck or legs.
This is not a cat.
( french accent ) you're boring me.
He put zero effort into that.
He should be home right now redoing it.
I already told him he could go to the movies.
That way when I rent it, he can point out where all the good nudity is.
And then you let him go with Mark, of all people.
- so? - so Mark-- mark's Mark.
Maybe one of the reasons d.
J.
's so lazy about his schoolwork Is that he hangs around with a guy like Mark.
What's wrong with Mark? I'm just saying that mark's probably not the best role model in the world.
You certainly don't want d.
J.
Taking after him.
Why not? Mr.
Conner, i'm trying-- No, why wouldn't I want d.
J.
To be a standup guy Who busts his ass to support himself and his wife? Mr.
Conner, all i'm saying is that-- No, I know what you're saying, David, and I think it stinks.
Mark may not be einstein, but you know what? He makes the most of what he's got.
He tries.
That's more than I can say for some people around here.
Who, me? Wow, smart guys like you catch on real quick.
Hey, I try.
No, David.
You don't try.
You work part-time at a pizza parlor, And you spend the rest of your life sitting on the couch Making ironic comments about everybody else.
Irony's for people who don't do anything.
You get my drift? Mr.
Conner, we're talking about d.
J.
Yeah, and you know what? The truth is I'd rather have him hang around with Mark than with you.
Excuse me, i've got work to do.
Look at me! Look at me! I can barely keep ahead of the demand! Well, try to stay ahead of this demand-- Shut up.
It just kills you That I might be better than you at something.
Actually, Jackie, there's a lot of things you're better than me at: Finding unavailable men, Setting unreachable goals, And ass-kissing.
What have you got there? Soyasausages-- They're not only good tasting, but good for you.
I haven't eaten any and I feel like crap.
Cheese in a can, It's really good.
And because these are made without pork, You'll be tops with your jewish pals.
Ooh.
Yes, cheese in a can.
It's really really good.
Now that's what's known as marketing, Roseanne, And, man oh man, am I good at it.
You want marketing? I'll show you marketing.
Attention, shoppers! Try soyasausages.
Almost as good as the cheese, But without the spider eggs and hair.
That is not true! Truth has no place in marketing, Jackie.
And they cure cancer.
Soyasausages-- the food of demons.
Eat it and go to hell! Yeah, where you'll meet the inventor of cheese in a can! Yeah, nice try, Roseanne.
Nice try.
In fact That was just "grrreat.
" Oh, Jackie.
You and your silly tricks.
But as everyone knows ( laughs ) Trix Are for kids! M&m chocolate candies-- They melt in your mouth Not in your hand.
You know, the best part of waking up, Jackie, Is folgers in your cup! ( chuckles ) Dishwashing liquid.
( cackles ) You're soaking in it! Say it! Say it! Okay, all right! Fine! You're better than me.
There, madge.
Five years ago-- Five years, at uncle wong's, I was handed a fortune that said "someday your hidden talent will be revealed.
" Today that fortune has come true.
Congratulations, Jackie.
You know how to sell cheese.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha! - oh Jackie? - what? Got milk? ( laughing ) Hello, ladies.
( laughing ) How's your day? I see you're really throwing yourself into your work here.
Very impressive.
( forced laugh ) Get out.
You mean we don't work here anymore? I don't even think I work here anymore.
That's fine then.
So who do we go see about getting paid? - can I give you a hand with that? - no, I got it.
Mr.
Conner, i've been thinking about what you said.
It really made a lot of sense.
So i've decided I need a change.
I need a big change, So i'm gonna move out.
Look, I didn't mean to be that hard on you earlier.
Hey, i'm not asking you for an apology.
I just don't know why the hell you got so upset.
- you don't? - no.
You mean in that deep sensitive soul of yours, You can't understand why I might be upset When you rip apart Mark-- A guy that doesn't read much-- he's not book smart-- But who works real hard every day at the Lanford city garage To support his wife and his family? You can't understand why that might not upset me? I think I can.
( stammers ) I'm a little scared to say it now.
Mr.
Conner, i'm sorry.
I should not have put Mark down like that, And I certainly didn't mean to put down anyone else.
Yeah.
Forget it.
And you're right, I should get off the couch and apply myself more.
Yeah, that's good.
So are we okay now? Yeah, we're cool.
You know, Mrs.
Conner is gonna love this new linoleum.
No no no no.
Don't tell her it's new.
See, every couple of years or so She asks me to clean behind the stove, And i've always found that doing this is much easier.
So, David, what's your time frame? - for what? - for moving out.
But we just sort of made up and everything.
Well yeah, I know, but you're the one that said you should move out.
Yeah well, I just said that So that you could talk me out of it.
I think we're just holding you back by letting you live here.
- oh, no you're not.
- yeah, we are.
I mean, it was great when you were in high school, But now you're a man.
No i'm not.
I know it's hard for you to hear, but you are a man.
Stop saying that.
I said I was sorry.
David.
David, you didn't think we were gonna let you live here forever, did you? I don't know.
Not "forever.
" Come on, David.
It may take me awhile to find a place.
That's okay.
I'm not kicking you out.
Yes, you are.
Yeah, I guess I am.
( laughing ) I've never had to do this before.
All the other kids couldn't wait to get out of here.
So then shouldn't my loyalty buy me An extra month or two? Done.
You're gonna be okay, David.
Yeah.
Okay, Dan.
Yeah, you'll see.
It'll be fun.
A couple, three months from now, you'll be out on your own.
You'll have a job.
Before you know it, You'll start feeling more grown up, Just like your brother Mark.
Wee! ( theme music playing ) Good evening, everybody.
I'm verne lundquist, And welcome to beautiful Lanford, Illinois, Where fans are going wild over what they hope will become a new olympic sport.
And here comes our first competitor onto the floor now.
Scott hamilton-- An olympic champion and a gutty little competitor, Has left the ice behind For the exciting new sport of linoleum sock skating.
Now watch-- he's going for the triple wally with the split twist! Well, he backed off.
Might have been worried about that kitchen cabinet.
Wonderful! And now here comes the hometown favorite-- Mark healy For the pas de deux portion of the routine.
A beautiful maneuver.
This is an important day for Mark healy.
He missed the nationals last year Because he got on the wrong bus.
And here comes the finale Lovely.
Well-deserved bows For national treasure scott hamilton, And for Mark healy, hard-working dumb guy.