Rugrats (1991) s01e11 Episode Script
Touchdown Tommy / The Trial
[ gasps]
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
[ baby gasps]
[ rubber squeaking]
[ baby talk]
OOH!
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE WAS JUST FINE A MINUTE AGO.
OH, NO!
STU, LOOK AT
THAT GIGANTIC BRUISE.
HE JUST BUMPED HIS HEAD
TRYING TO GET THAT BALLOON.
STU! ARE YOU BLAMING TOMMY'S
CONCUSSION ON THE BALLOON?
CONCUSSION?!
IT'S NO
THE BALLOON'S
FAULT, STU.
HOW CAN BETTY AND I
TRUST YOU DADS
WITH THE BABIES
DURING THE GAME THIS AFTERNOON?
YOU WON'T WATCH THEM AT ALL.
OF COURSE WE WILL.
ALL YOU BOYS
WILL BE THINKING ABOUT
IS GUZZLING SODA
AND GOBBLING PORK RINDS.
TIME-OUT! I HAVEN'T EATEN
PORK RINDS IN YEARS.
MAYBE I SHOULD STAY HOME.
THIS PLACE IS AN ACCIDENT
WAITING TO HAPPEN.
DIDI, HE WON'T
HURT HIMSELF AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?
INVENT SOMETHING
TO KEEP TOMMY
FROM HURTING HIMSELF.
YOU CAN'T KEEP A BABY
FROM HURTING ITSELF.
I USED TO CRAWL
THROUGH MAMA'S CACTUS GARDEN
HUNTING FOR HORNY TOADS.
HORNY TOADS, POP?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
AND ALL I HAD ON
WAS MY BIRTHDAY SUIT.
WHAT WILL YOU DO,
PUT TOMMY IN A BUBBLE?
IF I DON'T THINK OF SOMETHING
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE TURNS
LOOKING AFTER THE KIDS
WATCHING THE GAME IN SHIFTS.
SHIFTS?
WELL, GET BUSY THEN.
[ baby talk]
POP! THAT'S IT! LOOK!
PROTECTIVE HEAD GEAR!
HUH?
[ ringing]
DREW.
DREW? STU.
STU?
I THINK I'VE SOLVED
THIS BABY-SITTING THING.
GET AHOLD OF THE OTHER DADS.
THE GAME IS STILL ON,
AND DREW?
YEAH, STU?
THIS IS TOP SECRET.
OH, DIDI
WE'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SHOWYOU.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DIDI, YOU AND BETTY
MAY GO TO THE MALL
WITHOUT FEAR.
WE CAN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE TOMMY IS NOW
VIRTUALLY UNBRUISABLE.
HE IS?
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
WHAT ON EARTH IS IT, STU?
PRESENTING THE BONKOMATIC
BABY BUMPER.
THE BONKO-WHOZIT BABY WHAT?
THE BONKOMATIC OFFERS
COMPLETE CRANIAL SUSPENSION
PROTECTION FROM
THE 1,001 HAZARDS
OF THE AVERAGE
AMERICAN HOUSEHOLD
ABSOLUTE FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT,
AND BEST OF ALL
A WORRY-FREE DAY
OF SHOPPING FOR MOM.
I DON'T KNOW, STU.
ARE YOU SURE
IT WILL WORK?
DEED, IT'S GUARANTEED.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BETTY AND I WILL BE BACK
IN A FEW HOURS.
BYE-BYE.
YES!
YES!
WHAT'S IT FOR, ANYWAY?
YEAH, WHAT'S IT FOR?
I THINK IT'S TO KEEP MY FACE
FROM GETTING OUT.
[ doorbell buzzes]
HALT! WHO GOES THERE?
HI, POP.
PASSWORD?
PORK RINDS.
BINGO!
HEY, CHARLES. GREAT!
YOU BROUGHT
THE BIG SCREEN REMOTE.
OOH, AND SURROUND-A-THON STEREO.
I DON'T KNOW, STU.
MAYBE THIS FOOTBALL GAME
ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER WATCH
THE CHESS PLAYOFFS
ON THE CULTURE CHANNEL?
GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, GUYS?
PUT IT IN YOUR EAR!STUPID!
WHAT'S THAT STUPID THING
ON YOUR HEAD?
Stu:
GUYS, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE
I CAN SHOW EVERYONE.
HERE IT IS.
THE ANSWER TO ALL
OUR PARENTING PROBLEMS
THE BONKOMATIC BABY BUMPER!
WOW!
THAT'S THE CAT'S MEOW!
GUYS, WE'RE TALKING COMPLETE
CRANIAL PROTECTION HERE.
BABY GETS TO PLAY.
DAD GETS TO GO
ABOUT HIS BUSINESS
AND VOILA--
NO MORE WORRIED MOMS.
BEST OF ALL, EACH KID GETS ONE!
All:
YES!
[ grunting]
HELLO AGAIN EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO OUR COVERAGE
OF FOOTBALL'S BIG EVENT--
THE ULTRA BOWL.
I'M CHICK HEARN,
COMING TO YOU LIVE
FROM THE LONE STAR STATE
WITH MY GOOD FRIEND,
HANK DUFF.
HI, FOLKS.
HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE BACK ON
YOUR OWN HOME TURF?
FEELS GREAT, CHICK.
COME ON, HOUSTON!
GO GET 'EM, DALLAS!
ACTUALLY, BOTH TEAMS
HAVE THEIR STRONG POINTS.
CHUCKIE?
YOU IN THERE?
I THINK SO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR DAD
MADE ME WEAR
THIS DUMB BABY HELMET.
THEY'RE NOT DUMB, ANGELICA.
THEY'RE REALLY NEAT.
Both:
YEAH.
AND LOOK AT THIS!
WOW!
COME ON, CHUCKIE.
LET'S TRY IT.
I LEARNED THIS IN BALLET CLASS.
It's first and ten.
Parnelli gets the snap.
Hands off to Jenkins,
who goes up the middle.
Stopped at the line
of scrimmage.
FACE IT, STU.
THAT DALLAS LINE
IS IMPENETRABLE.
IMPENETRABLE?
BUNCH OF WIMPS IS MORE LIKE IT.
IN MY DAY,
WE PLAYED REALFOOTBALL.
COME ON, POP.
REAL FOOTBALL?
YEP, BACK AT MINNESOTA STATE
THEY CALLED ME THE GALLOPING
THE GALLOPING
GEEZER?
VERY FUNNY.
I WAS THE GALLOPING
HEY! WE OUT
OF PORK RINDS ALREADY?
THERE'S MORE
IN THE KITCHEN.
WOULD YOU GIVE THE KIDS
THEIR BOTTLES
GALLOPING GEEZER?
GALLOPING GEEZER, HUH!
WHOA
OKAY, SPROUTS.
MILK BREAK.
HERE YOU GO, PHIL.
AND HERE'S ONE FOR LIL.
AND THIS ONE'S FOR OLD CHUCKIE.
AND HERE'S ONE
FOR MY LITTLE PRINCESS.
BOTTLES ARE FOR BABIES, GRANDPA.
I'M NOT A BABY!
HUH! I PLUMB FORGOT.
FIXED UP SOMETHING SPECIAL
FOR YOU, SCOUT.
DRINKIE LITTLE BOBBA,
BABY-BOO?
WOW! IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK!
Both:
CHOCOLATE MILK?!
CHOCOLATE MILK?!
GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!
NO, IT'S MINE!
I SAID GIVE IT!
UH-UH.
GIVE ME
THAT CHOCOLATE MILK!
GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!
Sebastiami on the draw play.
Nowhere to go, Chick.
He squirts through
to pick up seven yards
before he's finally
dragged down from behind.
Dallas ball, second and three
at their own 18-yard line.
SECOND AND WHO?
All:
THREE!
TURN IT UP, STU.
MY EAR'S ON THE FRITZ.
Here's the snap!
Dawkins dropping back
but the pocket collapses.
He's trapped in the backfield!
Big Bubba Nagursky
breaks through!
Looks like a sack for sure.
Kincaid's open
at the line of scrimmage.
Dawkins gets the ball off
just as Bubba smashes him.
WOW! WHAT A SHOVEL PASS!
SHEER LUCK.
Here comes a draw play
up the middle
But Nagursky's there
and he grabs Kincaid
around the knees.
Ho, a fumble! Loose ball!
What's going on down there?
These guys got moves
like nobody in the league.
But wait! DiAngelo dives on it!
What a break for Dallas.
He came out of nowhere.
And believe me
he doesn't want
to give up that ball.
Dallas ball, first and ten
at the 11-yard line.
What?
The Statue of Liberty play?
How long since we've seen
that one?
NOT SINCE MINNESOTA STATE,
YOUNG FELLA!
HEY, LIL! OVER HERE.
Look at this, Hank.
They're playing
backyard football
with this explosive
Houston team.
Not a prudent thing to do here
in the House of Pain.
Uh-oh!
The line coming at him!
Ouch!
That hurts, Chick.
Dawkins has the ball,
but there's Bubba again.
Go Bubba!
Dawkins's under severe pressure.
He hesitates.
He pump fakes the ball.
He looks to Kincaid.
He throws the bomb!
It's intercepted, Hank!
Wow! Nagursky made
an all-pro move
on this one, Chick.
Let's take another look.
Mud everywhere, Chick.
What a mess, Hank.
We'll be back
with more Ultra Bowl coverage
after these messages.
IT'S EMPTY!
Didi:
ANGELICA PICKLES!
WHAT IN THE WORLD
IS GOING ON HERE!
HUH?
All:
HUH?
All:
UH-OH.
WHAT ARE THE KIDS
COVERED WITH?
WHAT ARE THOSE STAINS
ALL OVER MY LIVING ROOM?
I DON'T KNOW.
LOOKS LIKE
CHOCOLATE MILK.
CHOCOLATE MILK?
WHO WAS WATCHING HER?
I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD HAVE WATCHED
THE CHESS TOURNAMENT.
OOH, YUCK!
YUCK!
GET HIM OFF ME!
All:
ALL RIGHT!
[ groaning]
OPEN UP, TOMMY.
[ crashing]
OH, BETTY,
THAT WAS MR. FLUFFLES
TOMMY'S FAVORITE LAMP.
Tommy:
OH!
[ bawling]
THERE, THERE, SWEETIE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS TAKING MY NAP,
AND I HEARD A LOUD SOUND.
ONE OF THE BABIES
BROKE THE LAMP
UNCLE STU MADE FOR TOMMY.
AW, MR. FLUFFLE-LUFFLES?
I'M AFRAID SO, HONEY.
I SAW A LAMP
LIKE THAT
AT BABY WORLD LAST WEEK.
LET'S CALL
AND SEE
IF THEY STILL GOT ANY.
GREAT IDEA, BETTY.
I LOVE MY CLOWN LAMP
LIKE A BROTHER
AND NOW HE'S GONE.
WHY MY LAMP? WHY?
HE NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
HE JUST SHINED HIS LIGHT
ON STUFF AND SMILED.
QUIT BELLYACHING.
FORGET YOUR
DUMB OLD CLOWN LAMP.
YOUR MOM'S BUYING YOU
A NEW ONE ANYWAY.
I DON'T WANT A NEW ONE.
I WANT MY OLD ONE.
TOMMY, IT'S GONE.
THEN I WANT TO KNOW
WHO DID IT.
WHICH ONE OF YOU
BROKE MY LAMP?
WELL, TOMMY,
THERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
WE COULD HAVE A TRIAL.
WHAT'S A TRIAL?
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
TOMMY, YOU SIT IN THIS CHAIR.
SINCE IT WAS
YOUR CLOWN LAMP
YOU GET
TO BE THE JUDGE.
THE FUDGE?THE FUDGE?
NO! JUDGE!
CAN'T YOU BABIES TALK RIGHT?
AND HERE'S YOUR GRAVEL.
JUST HIT IT ON THE TABLE
AND SAY, "ORDER! ORDER!"
ORDER! ORDER!
NOT YET!
SEE THESE TEDDY BEARS?
THEY'RE THE JERKY.
THE JURY?THE JURY?
NOT THE JURY.
THE JERKY!
AT THE END OF THE TRIAL,
THE JERKY GUYS
WHISPER
TO EACH OTHER
THEN ONE OF THE STORYTELLERS
GOES TO JAIL.
NOW, SINCE I'M
THE SMARTEST PERSON HERE
I'M GOING TO BE THE PERSECUTOR.
WHY CAN'T WE BE
THE PERSECUTOR?
WATCH IT,
OR I'LL MAKE YOU THE JERKY.
FOR MY FIRST WITLESS, I CALL
PHIL AND LIL!
US?US?
JUST STAND UP.
OKAY, NOW,
RAISE YOUR HANDS.
DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL RUTH,
ALL RUTH, AND NOTHING BUT RUTH
SO HELP YOU, BOB?
JUST SAY YOU DO.
YOU DO.YOU DO.
NOW, SAY YOUR NAMES.
BUT, ANGELICA,
YOU KNOW OUR NAMES.
SAY THEM FOR THE JERKY!
PHIL.
LIL.
WHERE WERE YOU
ON THE NIGHT OF JUNE 6?
HUH?
HUH?
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
YES OR NO?
NO.
YES.
AHA! SO YOU DID BREAK
TOMMY'S LAMP.
NO!HONEST!
WE WOULD NEVER
BREAK TOMMY'S LAMP.
A LIKELY STORY.
BUT WE DIDN'T DO IT.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
IN OUR OWN WORDS
JUST WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE PLAYING YOU'RE IT.
PHIL WAS IT.
NO. LIL WAS IT.
UH-UH. PHIL WAS IT.
YOU WERE IT, LILLIAN.
NO,YOU WERE IT,
PHILLIP.
YOU!YOU!
YOU!YOU!
ORDER! ORDER!
MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD TALK
ABOUT THE CLOWN LAMP
INSTEAD OF WHO WAS IT.
SORRY.
YEAH, SORRY.
ANYWAY, WE RAN OVER
TO THE LAMP
AND STARTED PLAYING
RING AROUND THE ROSEY.
WE WENT AROUND
AND AROUND.
AND AROUND.
AND THEN WE LET GO.
WE RAN, AND WE RAN.
AND WE RAN SOME MORE.
UNTIL SUDDENLY,
WE HEARD IT.
[ crashing]
AND THAT'S ALL WE SAW.
A VERY GOOD STORY
BUT IT ISN'T
THE WHOLE STORY, IS IT?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, DON'T YOU?
WELL
ISN'T THERE ANOTHER STORY
YOU'D LIKE TO TELL US?
LIKE WHAT REALLYHAPPENED.
YOU DID START BY PLAYING
A NICE GAME
OF RING AROUND THE ROSEY
BUT SOON THE GAME
STOPPED BEING SO NICE.
FASTER AND FASTER YOU SPINNED
AND EVEN FASTER
UNTIL YOU REALLY GOT DIZZY
AND THEN YOU LET GO.
BUT WHEN YOU DID, SOMETHING
YOU DIDN'T EXPECT HAPPENED.
YOU KNOCKED THE LAMP!
SO YOU RAN AWAY
AND YOU DIDN'T STOP RUNNING
UNTIL YOU HEARD A CRASH.
[ crashing]
AND THAT'S
HOW YOUBROKE THE LAMP!
NO!
WE DID KNOCK THE LAMP
WHEN WE RAN BY
BUT BUT WE
DIDN'T BREAK IT.
HONEST.
NO. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T,
AND BESIDES, THERE WAS
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM WHEN
THE LAMP BROKE, WASN'T THERE?
WHO?
WHO?
YES, WHO?
WHO COULD HAVE KNOCKED
OVER THE LAMP
AND LEFT YOU
TO GET IN TROUBLE?
COULD IT HAVE BEEN CHUCKIE?!
NO! NO!
THERE'S
THE POOPETRATOR!
I CALL CHUCKIE
TO THE STAND.
DO YOU SWEAR
TO TELL RUTH
AND ALL THAT STUFF?
DO I HAVE TO..?
YOU CAN TELL HE DID IT.
I DIDN'T BREAK IT.
[ squeaking]
JUST TELL YOUR STORY, CHUCKIE.
I WAS JUST WATCHING PHIL AND LIL
PLAY WHEN IT HAPPENED.
THEY WERE PLAYING
RING AROUND THE ROSEY
AND IT LOOKED DANGEROUS
SO I JUST SAT ON THE FLOOR
AND WATCHED THEM.
THEN THEY RAN AWAY.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW
I WAS ALL ALONE.
THEN I HEARD A NOISE
FROM BEHIND ME.
I TURNED AROUND
AND THERE IT WAS--
A MONSTER!
I RAN, AND RAN, AND RAN, AND RAN
BUT I COULD HEAR IT THUMPIN'
RIGHT BEHIND ME
SO I HID
UNDER THE COUCH.
BUT THAT ISN'T REALLY
THE WHOLE STORY, IS IT, CHUCKIE?
WHA WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHEN YOU WERE SITTING THERE,
WATCHING PHIL AND LIL PLAY
YOU STARTED THINKING ABOUT
BAD IDEAS, DIDN'T YOU, CHUCKIE?!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
THAT LAMP--
YOU WANTED TO PUSH IT MORE
MUCH MORE, DIDN'T YOU?!
NO!YES!
YOU WANTED TO PUSH IT
TILL IT FELL OVER.
YOU WANTED
TO BREAK THE CLOWN LAMP!
IT'S TRUE!
IT'S TRUE!
I WANTED TO BREAK THAT LAMP.
I WANTED TO BREAK IT
'CAUSE IT WAS SCARY.
I'M BAD, TOMMY.
REAL BAD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
OF THE JERKY
CHUCKIE BROKE THE LAMP.
NO!
I THOUGHT
ABOUT BREAKING THE LAMP.
I EVEN WANTED TO
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.
LIAR!
ORDER! ORDER!
IF CHUCKIE SAYS
HE DIDN'T BROKE THE LAMP
THEN HE DIDN'T BROKE THE LAMP.
BUT, TOMMY, IF I DIDN'T DO IT,
WHO DID?
WELL, WE DON'T KNOW
WHO BROKE THE LAMP
BUT WE DO KNOW
WHO DID NOT BROKE THE LAMP.
PHIL AND LIL
COULD NOT BROKE THE LAMP.
THEY WERE PLAYING
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE I
'CAUSE YOUR HEAD
WAS UNDER A PILLOW.
ANGELICA COULDN'T HAVE
BROKE THE LAMP
'CAUSE SHE WAS TAKING
HER AFTERNOON NAP
AND I COULDN'T HAVE BROKE IT
'CAUSE I WAS
HEY
WAIT A MINUTE.
ANGELICA, DIDN'T YOU
ALREADY TAKE A NAP
THIS MORNING
BEFORE YOU CAME OVER?
UM
I TOOK TWO NAPS TODAY.
BUT, ANGELICA
IF YOU WERE TAKING A NAP
HOW DID YOU KNOW HOW FAST
WE RINGED AROUND THE ROSEY?
WELL
AND HOW DID YOU KNOW
WE HIT THE LAMP
WHEN WE RAN AWAY?
UM
AND AND
HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THE OTHER STUFF YOU KNOWED?
I I
ANGELICA DID IT?
YOU MEAN, YOU BROKE MY LAMP?
OH, BROTHER!
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU BABIES
EVERYTHING?
ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT.
I'M THE ONE
WHO BROKE THE LAMP
AND I DON'T CARE.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
BUT WHY, ANGELICA?
WHY DID YOU DO SUCH A BAD THING?
WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
IT ALL STARTED IN THE HALLWAY.
I WAS LOOKING FOR A CRAYON,
SO I COULD DRAW ON THE WALL
AND BLAME IT ON YOU, TOMMY.
[ laughs]
AND THEN I SAW HIM--
CHUCKIE SITTING BY THE CLOSE
WATCHING PHIL AND LIL PLAY
SOME STUPID GAME--
THE KIND OF GAME BABIES PLAY
BUT DON'T INVITE
THE BIGGER KIDS TO PLAY
WHICH REALLY MAKES ME MAD.
SO, I FOUND YOUR HALLOWEEN MASK
LYING ON THE GROUND, TOMMY.
I PICKED IT UP
AND PUT IT ON,
AND THEN I ATTACKLED HIM.
CHUCKIE YELLED
LIKE A FRAIDY CAT AND RAN AWAY.
THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT--
THAT STUPID CLOWN LAMP
WITH ITS STUPID FACE
AND ITS GOOFY NOSE
AND THAT STUPID SMILE.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE
HE'D NEVER SMILE AGAIN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I DID I
AND I'D BREAK IT AGAIN
IF I HAD THE CHANCE
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE'S NOTHING
YOU BABIES
CAN DO ABOUT I
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T TALK.
HA-HA-HA!
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
Betty:
ANGELICA!
OOPS.
I DIDN'T DO IT!
I DIDN'T DO IT!
WE HEARD THE WHOLE THING.
SO YOU BROKE THE LAMP,
YOUNG LADY.
WELL, YOU CAN JUST SIT
IN THE KITCHEN WITH US
UNTIL YOUR FATHER
GETS BACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY'LL DO TO HER?
DO YOU THINK
SHE'LL GO TO JAIL?
I DON'T KNOW.
Angelica:
NO! NOT THE CHAIR!
NOT THE CHAIR!
DOES THIS MEAN
THE PERSECUTOR DID IT?
YUP. I GUESS THE PERSECUTOR'S
THE POOPETRATOR THIS TIME.
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
[ baby gasps]
[ rubber squeaking]
[ baby talk]
OOH!
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE WAS JUST FINE A MINUTE AGO.
OH, NO!
STU, LOOK AT
THAT GIGANTIC BRUISE.
HE JUST BUMPED HIS HEAD
TRYING TO GET THAT BALLOON.
STU! ARE YOU BLAMING TOMMY'S
CONCUSSION ON THE BALLOON?
CONCUSSION?!
IT'S NO
THE BALLOON'S
FAULT, STU.
HOW CAN BETTY AND I
TRUST YOU DADS
WITH THE BABIES
DURING THE GAME THIS AFTERNOON?
YOU WON'T WATCH THEM AT ALL.
OF COURSE WE WILL.
ALL YOU BOYS
WILL BE THINKING ABOUT
IS GUZZLING SODA
AND GOBBLING PORK RINDS.
TIME-OUT! I HAVEN'T EATEN
PORK RINDS IN YEARS.
MAYBE I SHOULD STAY HOME.
THIS PLACE IS AN ACCIDENT
WAITING TO HAPPEN.
DIDI, HE WON'T
HURT HIMSELF AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?
INVENT SOMETHING
TO KEEP TOMMY
FROM HURTING HIMSELF.
YOU CAN'T KEEP A BABY
FROM HURTING ITSELF.
I USED TO CRAWL
THROUGH MAMA'S CACTUS GARDEN
HUNTING FOR HORNY TOADS.
HORNY TOADS, POP?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
AND ALL I HAD ON
WAS MY BIRTHDAY SUIT.
WHAT WILL YOU DO,
PUT TOMMY IN A BUBBLE?
IF I DON'T THINK OF SOMETHING
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE TURNS
LOOKING AFTER THE KIDS
WATCHING THE GAME IN SHIFTS.
SHIFTS?
WELL, GET BUSY THEN.
[ baby talk]
POP! THAT'S IT! LOOK!
PROTECTIVE HEAD GEAR!
HUH?
[ ringing]
DREW.
DREW? STU.
STU?
I THINK I'VE SOLVED
THIS BABY-SITTING THING.
GET AHOLD OF THE OTHER DADS.
THE GAME IS STILL ON,
AND DREW?
YEAH, STU?
THIS IS TOP SECRET.
OH, DIDI
WE'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SHOWYOU.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DIDI, YOU AND BETTY
MAY GO TO THE MALL
WITHOUT FEAR.
WE CAN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE TOMMY IS NOW
VIRTUALLY UNBRUISABLE.
HE IS?
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
WHAT ON EARTH IS IT, STU?
PRESENTING THE BONKOMATIC
BABY BUMPER.
THE BONKO-WHOZIT BABY WHAT?
THE BONKOMATIC OFFERS
COMPLETE CRANIAL SUSPENSION
PROTECTION FROM
THE 1,001 HAZARDS
OF THE AVERAGE
AMERICAN HOUSEHOLD
ABSOLUTE FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT,
AND BEST OF ALL
A WORRY-FREE DAY
OF SHOPPING FOR MOM.
I DON'T KNOW, STU.
ARE YOU SURE
IT WILL WORK?
DEED, IT'S GUARANTEED.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BETTY AND I WILL BE BACK
IN A FEW HOURS.
BYE-BYE.
YES!
YES!
WHAT'S IT FOR, ANYWAY?
YEAH, WHAT'S IT FOR?
I THINK IT'S TO KEEP MY FACE
FROM GETTING OUT.
[ doorbell buzzes]
HALT! WHO GOES THERE?
HI, POP.
PASSWORD?
PORK RINDS.
BINGO!
HEY, CHARLES. GREAT!
YOU BROUGHT
THE BIG SCREEN REMOTE.
OOH, AND SURROUND-A-THON STEREO.
I DON'T KNOW, STU.
MAYBE THIS FOOTBALL GAME
ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER WATCH
THE CHESS PLAYOFFS
ON THE CULTURE CHANNEL?
GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, GUYS?
PUT IT IN YOUR EAR!STUPID!
WHAT'S THAT STUPID THING
ON YOUR HEAD?
Stu:
GUYS, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE
I CAN SHOW EVERYONE.
HERE IT IS.
THE ANSWER TO ALL
OUR PARENTING PROBLEMS
THE BONKOMATIC BABY BUMPER!
WOW!
THAT'S THE CAT'S MEOW!
GUYS, WE'RE TALKING COMPLETE
CRANIAL PROTECTION HERE.
BABY GETS TO PLAY.
DAD GETS TO GO
ABOUT HIS BUSINESS
AND VOILA--
NO MORE WORRIED MOMS.
BEST OF ALL, EACH KID GETS ONE!
All:
YES!
[ grunting]
HELLO AGAIN EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO OUR COVERAGE
OF FOOTBALL'S BIG EVENT--
THE ULTRA BOWL.
I'M CHICK HEARN,
COMING TO YOU LIVE
FROM THE LONE STAR STATE
WITH MY GOOD FRIEND,
HANK DUFF.
HI, FOLKS.
HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE BACK ON
YOUR OWN HOME TURF?
FEELS GREAT, CHICK.
COME ON, HOUSTON!
GO GET 'EM, DALLAS!
ACTUALLY, BOTH TEAMS
HAVE THEIR STRONG POINTS.
CHUCKIE?
YOU IN THERE?
I THINK SO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR DAD
MADE ME WEAR
THIS DUMB BABY HELMET.
THEY'RE NOT DUMB, ANGELICA.
THEY'RE REALLY NEAT.
Both:
YEAH.
AND LOOK AT THIS!
WOW!
COME ON, CHUCKIE.
LET'S TRY IT.
I LEARNED THIS IN BALLET CLASS.
It's first and ten.
Parnelli gets the snap.
Hands off to Jenkins,
who goes up the middle.
Stopped at the line
of scrimmage.
FACE IT, STU.
THAT DALLAS LINE
IS IMPENETRABLE.
IMPENETRABLE?
BUNCH OF WIMPS IS MORE LIKE IT.
IN MY DAY,
WE PLAYED REALFOOTBALL.
COME ON, POP.
REAL FOOTBALL?
YEP, BACK AT MINNESOTA STATE
THEY CALLED ME THE GALLOPING
THE GALLOPING
GEEZER?
VERY FUNNY.
I WAS THE GALLOPING
HEY! WE OUT
OF PORK RINDS ALREADY?
THERE'S MORE
IN THE KITCHEN.
WOULD YOU GIVE THE KIDS
THEIR BOTTLES
GALLOPING GEEZER?
GALLOPING GEEZER, HUH!
WHOA
OKAY, SPROUTS.
MILK BREAK.
HERE YOU GO, PHIL.
AND HERE'S ONE FOR LIL.
AND THIS ONE'S FOR OLD CHUCKIE.
AND HERE'S ONE
FOR MY LITTLE PRINCESS.
BOTTLES ARE FOR BABIES, GRANDPA.
I'M NOT A BABY!
HUH! I PLUMB FORGOT.
FIXED UP SOMETHING SPECIAL
FOR YOU, SCOUT.
DRINKIE LITTLE BOBBA,
BABY-BOO?
WOW! IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK!
Both:
CHOCOLATE MILK?!
CHOCOLATE MILK?!
GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!
NO, IT'S MINE!
I SAID GIVE IT!
UH-UH.
GIVE ME
THAT CHOCOLATE MILK!
GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!
Sebastiami on the draw play.
Nowhere to go, Chick.
He squirts through
to pick up seven yards
before he's finally
dragged down from behind.
Dallas ball, second and three
at their own 18-yard line.
SECOND AND WHO?
All:
THREE!
TURN IT UP, STU.
MY EAR'S ON THE FRITZ.
Here's the snap!
Dawkins dropping back
but the pocket collapses.
He's trapped in the backfield!
Big Bubba Nagursky
breaks through!
Looks like a sack for sure.
Kincaid's open
at the line of scrimmage.
Dawkins gets the ball off
just as Bubba smashes him.
WOW! WHAT A SHOVEL PASS!
SHEER LUCK.
Here comes a draw play
up the middle
But Nagursky's there
and he grabs Kincaid
around the knees.
Ho, a fumble! Loose ball!
What's going on down there?
These guys got moves
like nobody in the league.
But wait! DiAngelo dives on it!
What a break for Dallas.
He came out of nowhere.
And believe me
he doesn't want
to give up that ball.
Dallas ball, first and ten
at the 11-yard line.
What?
The Statue of Liberty play?
How long since we've seen
that one?
NOT SINCE MINNESOTA STATE,
YOUNG FELLA!
HEY, LIL! OVER HERE.
Look at this, Hank.
They're playing
backyard football
with this explosive
Houston team.
Not a prudent thing to do here
in the House of Pain.
Uh-oh!
The line coming at him!
Ouch!
That hurts, Chick.
Dawkins has the ball,
but there's Bubba again.
Go Bubba!
Dawkins's under severe pressure.
He hesitates.
He pump fakes the ball.
He looks to Kincaid.
He throws the bomb!
It's intercepted, Hank!
Wow! Nagursky made
an all-pro move
on this one, Chick.
Let's take another look.
Mud everywhere, Chick.
What a mess, Hank.
We'll be back
with more Ultra Bowl coverage
after these messages.
IT'S EMPTY!
Didi:
ANGELICA PICKLES!
WHAT IN THE WORLD
IS GOING ON HERE!
HUH?
All:
HUH?
All:
UH-OH.
WHAT ARE THE KIDS
COVERED WITH?
WHAT ARE THOSE STAINS
ALL OVER MY LIVING ROOM?
I DON'T KNOW.
LOOKS LIKE
CHOCOLATE MILK.
CHOCOLATE MILK?
WHO WAS WATCHING HER?
I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD HAVE WATCHED
THE CHESS TOURNAMENT.
OOH, YUCK!
YUCK!
GET HIM OFF ME!
All:
ALL RIGHT!
[ groaning]
OPEN UP, TOMMY.
[ crashing]
OH, BETTY,
THAT WAS MR. FLUFFLES
TOMMY'S FAVORITE LAMP.
Tommy:
OH!
[ bawling]
THERE, THERE, SWEETIE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS TAKING MY NAP,
AND I HEARD A LOUD SOUND.
ONE OF THE BABIES
BROKE THE LAMP
UNCLE STU MADE FOR TOMMY.
AW, MR. FLUFFLE-LUFFLES?
I'M AFRAID SO, HONEY.
I SAW A LAMP
LIKE THAT
AT BABY WORLD LAST WEEK.
LET'S CALL
AND SEE
IF THEY STILL GOT ANY.
GREAT IDEA, BETTY.
I LOVE MY CLOWN LAMP
LIKE A BROTHER
AND NOW HE'S GONE.
WHY MY LAMP? WHY?
HE NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
HE JUST SHINED HIS LIGHT
ON STUFF AND SMILED.
QUIT BELLYACHING.
FORGET YOUR
DUMB OLD CLOWN LAMP.
YOUR MOM'S BUYING YOU
A NEW ONE ANYWAY.
I DON'T WANT A NEW ONE.
I WANT MY OLD ONE.
TOMMY, IT'S GONE.
THEN I WANT TO KNOW
WHO DID IT.
WHICH ONE OF YOU
BROKE MY LAMP?
WELL, TOMMY,
THERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
WE COULD HAVE A TRIAL.
WHAT'S A TRIAL?
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
TOMMY, YOU SIT IN THIS CHAIR.
SINCE IT WAS
YOUR CLOWN LAMP
YOU GET
TO BE THE JUDGE.
THE FUDGE?THE FUDGE?
NO! JUDGE!
CAN'T YOU BABIES TALK RIGHT?
AND HERE'S YOUR GRAVEL.
JUST HIT IT ON THE TABLE
AND SAY, "ORDER! ORDER!"
ORDER! ORDER!
NOT YET!
SEE THESE TEDDY BEARS?
THEY'RE THE JERKY.
THE JURY?THE JURY?
NOT THE JURY.
THE JERKY!
AT THE END OF THE TRIAL,
THE JERKY GUYS
WHISPER
TO EACH OTHER
THEN ONE OF THE STORYTELLERS
GOES TO JAIL.
NOW, SINCE I'M
THE SMARTEST PERSON HERE
I'M GOING TO BE THE PERSECUTOR.
WHY CAN'T WE BE
THE PERSECUTOR?
WATCH IT,
OR I'LL MAKE YOU THE JERKY.
FOR MY FIRST WITLESS, I CALL
PHIL AND LIL!
US?US?
JUST STAND UP.
OKAY, NOW,
RAISE YOUR HANDS.
DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL RUTH,
ALL RUTH, AND NOTHING BUT RUTH
SO HELP YOU, BOB?
JUST SAY YOU DO.
YOU DO.YOU DO.
NOW, SAY YOUR NAMES.
BUT, ANGELICA,
YOU KNOW OUR NAMES.
SAY THEM FOR THE JERKY!
PHIL.
LIL.
WHERE WERE YOU
ON THE NIGHT OF JUNE 6?
HUH?
HUH?
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
YES OR NO?
NO.
YES.
AHA! SO YOU DID BREAK
TOMMY'S LAMP.
NO!HONEST!
WE WOULD NEVER
BREAK TOMMY'S LAMP.
A LIKELY STORY.
BUT WE DIDN'T DO IT.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
IN OUR OWN WORDS
JUST WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE PLAYING YOU'RE IT.
PHIL WAS IT.
NO. LIL WAS IT.
UH-UH. PHIL WAS IT.
YOU WERE IT, LILLIAN.
NO,YOU WERE IT,
PHILLIP.
YOU!YOU!
YOU!YOU!
ORDER! ORDER!
MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD TALK
ABOUT THE CLOWN LAMP
INSTEAD OF WHO WAS IT.
SORRY.
YEAH, SORRY.
ANYWAY, WE RAN OVER
TO THE LAMP
AND STARTED PLAYING
RING AROUND THE ROSEY.
WE WENT AROUND
AND AROUND.
AND AROUND.
AND THEN WE LET GO.
WE RAN, AND WE RAN.
AND WE RAN SOME MORE.
UNTIL SUDDENLY,
WE HEARD IT.
[ crashing]
AND THAT'S ALL WE SAW.
A VERY GOOD STORY
BUT IT ISN'T
THE WHOLE STORY, IS IT?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, DON'T YOU?
WELL
ISN'T THERE ANOTHER STORY
YOU'D LIKE TO TELL US?
LIKE WHAT REALLYHAPPENED.
YOU DID START BY PLAYING
A NICE GAME
OF RING AROUND THE ROSEY
BUT SOON THE GAME
STOPPED BEING SO NICE.
FASTER AND FASTER YOU SPINNED
AND EVEN FASTER
UNTIL YOU REALLY GOT DIZZY
AND THEN YOU LET GO.
BUT WHEN YOU DID, SOMETHING
YOU DIDN'T EXPECT HAPPENED.
YOU KNOCKED THE LAMP!
SO YOU RAN AWAY
AND YOU DIDN'T STOP RUNNING
UNTIL YOU HEARD A CRASH.
[ crashing]
AND THAT'S
HOW YOUBROKE THE LAMP!
NO!
WE DID KNOCK THE LAMP
WHEN WE RAN BY
BUT BUT WE
DIDN'T BREAK IT.
HONEST.
NO. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T,
AND BESIDES, THERE WAS
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM WHEN
THE LAMP BROKE, WASN'T THERE?
WHO?
WHO?
YES, WHO?
WHO COULD HAVE KNOCKED
OVER THE LAMP
AND LEFT YOU
TO GET IN TROUBLE?
COULD IT HAVE BEEN CHUCKIE?!
NO! NO!
THERE'S
THE POOPETRATOR!
I CALL CHUCKIE
TO THE STAND.
DO YOU SWEAR
TO TELL RUTH
AND ALL THAT STUFF?
DO I HAVE TO..?
YOU CAN TELL HE DID IT.
I DIDN'T BREAK IT.
[ squeaking]
JUST TELL YOUR STORY, CHUCKIE.
I WAS JUST WATCHING PHIL AND LIL
PLAY WHEN IT HAPPENED.
THEY WERE PLAYING
RING AROUND THE ROSEY
AND IT LOOKED DANGEROUS
SO I JUST SAT ON THE FLOOR
AND WATCHED THEM.
THEN THEY RAN AWAY.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW
I WAS ALL ALONE.
THEN I HEARD A NOISE
FROM BEHIND ME.
I TURNED AROUND
AND THERE IT WAS--
A MONSTER!
I RAN, AND RAN, AND RAN, AND RAN
BUT I COULD HEAR IT THUMPIN'
RIGHT BEHIND ME
SO I HID
UNDER THE COUCH.
BUT THAT ISN'T REALLY
THE WHOLE STORY, IS IT, CHUCKIE?
WHA WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHEN YOU WERE SITTING THERE,
WATCHING PHIL AND LIL PLAY
YOU STARTED THINKING ABOUT
BAD IDEAS, DIDN'T YOU, CHUCKIE?!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
THAT LAMP--
YOU WANTED TO PUSH IT MORE
MUCH MORE, DIDN'T YOU?!
NO!YES!
YOU WANTED TO PUSH IT
TILL IT FELL OVER.
YOU WANTED
TO BREAK THE CLOWN LAMP!
IT'S TRUE!
IT'S TRUE!
I WANTED TO BREAK THAT LAMP.
I WANTED TO BREAK IT
'CAUSE IT WAS SCARY.
I'M BAD, TOMMY.
REAL BAD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
OF THE JERKY
CHUCKIE BROKE THE LAMP.
NO!
I THOUGHT
ABOUT BREAKING THE LAMP.
I EVEN WANTED TO
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.
LIAR!
ORDER! ORDER!
IF CHUCKIE SAYS
HE DIDN'T BROKE THE LAMP
THEN HE DIDN'T BROKE THE LAMP.
BUT, TOMMY, IF I DIDN'T DO IT,
WHO DID?
WELL, WE DON'T KNOW
WHO BROKE THE LAMP
BUT WE DO KNOW
WHO DID NOT BROKE THE LAMP.
PHIL AND LIL
COULD NOT BROKE THE LAMP.
THEY WERE PLAYING
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE I
'CAUSE YOUR HEAD
WAS UNDER A PILLOW.
ANGELICA COULDN'T HAVE
BROKE THE LAMP
'CAUSE SHE WAS TAKING
HER AFTERNOON NAP
AND I COULDN'T HAVE BROKE IT
'CAUSE I WAS
HEY
WAIT A MINUTE.
ANGELICA, DIDN'T YOU
ALREADY TAKE A NAP
THIS MORNING
BEFORE YOU CAME OVER?
UM
I TOOK TWO NAPS TODAY.
BUT, ANGELICA
IF YOU WERE TAKING A NAP
HOW DID YOU KNOW HOW FAST
WE RINGED AROUND THE ROSEY?
WELL
AND HOW DID YOU KNOW
WE HIT THE LAMP
WHEN WE RAN AWAY?
UM
AND AND
HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THE OTHER STUFF YOU KNOWED?
I I
ANGELICA DID IT?
YOU MEAN, YOU BROKE MY LAMP?
OH, BROTHER!
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU BABIES
EVERYTHING?
ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT.
I'M THE ONE
WHO BROKE THE LAMP
AND I DON'T CARE.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
BUT WHY, ANGELICA?
WHY DID YOU DO SUCH A BAD THING?
WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
IT ALL STARTED IN THE HALLWAY.
I WAS LOOKING FOR A CRAYON,
SO I COULD DRAW ON THE WALL
AND BLAME IT ON YOU, TOMMY.
[ laughs]
AND THEN I SAW HIM--
CHUCKIE SITTING BY THE CLOSE
WATCHING PHIL AND LIL PLAY
SOME STUPID GAME--
THE KIND OF GAME BABIES PLAY
BUT DON'T INVITE
THE BIGGER KIDS TO PLAY
WHICH REALLY MAKES ME MAD.
SO, I FOUND YOUR HALLOWEEN MASK
LYING ON THE GROUND, TOMMY.
I PICKED IT UP
AND PUT IT ON,
AND THEN I ATTACKLED HIM.
CHUCKIE YELLED
LIKE A FRAIDY CAT AND RAN AWAY.
THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT--
THAT STUPID CLOWN LAMP
WITH ITS STUPID FACE
AND ITS GOOFY NOSE
AND THAT STUPID SMILE.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE
HE'D NEVER SMILE AGAIN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I DID I
AND I'D BREAK IT AGAIN
IF I HAD THE CHANCE
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE'S NOTHING
YOU BABIES
CAN DO ABOUT I
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T TALK.
HA-HA-HA!
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
Betty:
ANGELICA!
OOPS.
I DIDN'T DO IT!
I DIDN'T DO IT!
WE HEARD THE WHOLE THING.
SO YOU BROKE THE LAMP,
YOUNG LADY.
WELL, YOU CAN JUST SIT
IN THE KITCHEN WITH US
UNTIL YOUR FATHER
GETS BACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY'LL DO TO HER?
DO YOU THINK
SHE'LL GO TO JAIL?
I DON'T KNOW.
Angelica:
NO! NOT THE CHAIR!
NOT THE CHAIR!
DOES THIS MEAN
THE PERSECUTOR DID IT?
YUP. I GUESS THE PERSECUTOR'S
THE POOPETRATOR THIS TIME.
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation