Run the Burbs (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Carol the Conqueror

1 (ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ANDREW: Hailing from Calgary, Alberta, the family man with the ultimate wrestling body slam.
It's the Battering Pham! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! Are you ready for the TV event of the summer?! Summer, summer, summer.
Looks like we got a grudge match, ladies and gentlemen! Who's the Battering Pham up against? Looking for 50 bucks, she's the champ with no money, dealing with a serious case of FOMO.
It's Khia.
That was disappointing! Come on! You used to love this stuff! - Yeah, well, wrestling's fake.
- You're fake! Sorry.
Obviously it's fake, but the pageantry is real.
What do you want 50 bucks for anyways? Lil' Buster concert tickets.
That's a lot of money for someone I've never heard of.
- Who else is goin'? - Mannix And friends.
It's a friend thing.
- Is Hudson comin'? - No! No dads.
I'll take that as a soft maybe.
- CAROL: Hello? - Who's that? Is this The Purge? Andrew.
Really? Still doing the Battering Pham? KHIA: Auntie Carol! - Aw.
- Hi! - What are you doin' here? - I've got a conference on Monday.
So I thought I'd fly in early and visit my loser brother and his beautiful family.
Loser? I'll show you loser.
- I'm not touching you.
- (SIGHING) - I'm not touching you.
- (GROANING) - It doesn't even hurt.
- What about this? - (BONES CRACKING) - (GROANING) Leo, you're missing it! Auntie Carol's beating up Dad.
Don't come down, Leo.
I don't want you to see this.
- Say it! - (LAUGHING) Carol is the prettiest, smartest, strongest woman in the world.
And? - I smell like cat pee.
- (GIGGLING) Does this look right to you? Dad, stop e-mailing the weather stations when the forecast is off.
If you don't hold them accountable, they'll start making things up.
So, what's it gonna be? Bubble tea of the day for me.
- And Dad? - Small coffee.
Come on.
Mix it up a little.
Yeah, Ramesh.
How 'bout a mango smoothie? - Small coffee.
- You got it.
CATHY: One bubble tea of the day.
So, what are you guys doing Wednesday? Why? Who wants to know? Uh, me.
I'm just hosting a games night.
- I have plans.
- Ooh, how secretive.
- No, they're not.
- Okay.
What are your plans? Well, I was going to eat, clean-up, watch some tennis re-runs, and then there's this econometrics problem I've been noodling over.
Okay, Dad, those aren't plans.
That is just like a montage of boredom.
I'm also going to watch Andrew's in-depth walk-through on the Back to the Future trilogy.
You know you could watch the movies? But how will I know that they're worth watching unless someone explains it to me? (SINGING IN VIETNAMESE) And the fluid from his lungs shot out and hit the ceiling.
- Cool.
- Gross.
Trying to make food over here.
Enough with the gross doctor stories.
Your dad isn't great with blood.
Yeah, he fainted from seeing his own nose bleed.
Noses shouldn't bleed.
Classic Quang.
Doesn't "Quang" mean smart? Yes.
Yes, it does.
Not when it's about you, Quang.
They don't know about your nickname? Leo, tell Bác Carol about Vietnamese school.
I'm really good.
All right.
Hit me with some.
- Eh! - (LAUGHING) Your accent's better than your dad's.
That's what my teacher said! - No! What? - Quanger's gonna Quang.
Okay, so when your dad was about your age, but shorter, a little bit chubbier Khia! Tell us about Little Buster.
(GASPING) I love Lil' Buster.
Right? Well, I'm trying to get Dad to give me money to go see him live.
- Why don't you do chore doors? - I hate chore doors.
Chores? I'm out.
Yeah, I'm with Leo.
- CAROL: There's a cash prize.
- You have my attention.
For rice paper rolls, you shouldn't use boiling hot water.
Warm water's better.
Oh, looks like Aunt Carol can't take the heat.
- (YELLING) - (LAUGHING) Don't know what I'm seein' but I like the feelin' Ooh, look.
Art classes.
Camille, please.
They can't even make a decent poster.
Bowling league? You know they don't clean the finger holes of those balls.
It's disgusting.
Didn't you and Mom used to do stuff like this? Before she got sick, yes.
We used to bowl all the time.
I just don't think it would hurt to be a little bit more social.
I am plenty social.
Would you mind taking a step back from me, please? - He was too close to me.
- Oh, I didn't say anything.
Before we get started, just remember this was your aunt's idea.
Okay, there's a chore in each cup.
Punch the cup you want, do the chore, get the cash.
But be wary of temptation! As the money goes up, so does the difficulty! - I thought you hated this? - I hate mind games.
That's why I'm warning you.
Yeah, well, 10 bucks is not a lot of temptation.
Girl's got standards.
- Respect.
- KHIA: Yeah! Damn, Carol! Stop gentrifying chore doors! This is easy.
Clean the basement storage.
You were gonna get me to do this for 10 bucks? That's the mind game.
Chore doors was your grandfather's way of teaching us about greed.
Ba was teaching us the value of hard work.
You don't have to do it.
Oh, I'm doing it.
This is a hundred bucks, baby.
(GIGGLING) Hey, remember when Dad put a thumbtack in one of the cups? Why are you making me look bad? Quang, you're a grown-ass man dressed as a wrestling character that you made up when you were a child.
- How you look is on you.
- (DOOR OPENING) CAMILLE: Babe, whose car is that? Quang, come on! I was kidding! I like your headband.
Oh, my God! Carol! - Hi! - Oh, Carol the doctor! We read about you saving the lives of kids in that cave.
- That must've been messy.
- And rewarding.
And you! Ramesh, you are looking healthy AF, my man! You hear that, Camille? I'm looking healthy as an F.
Have you been working out? You look good.
- You okay? - Just Carol being Carol.
- (RUMBLING DOWNSTAIRS) - What was that? - KHIA: I'm fine.
- Oh, Khia is doing chores.
(LAUGHING) Since when? Since Carol started throwing around big time dollar bills.
Okay, time for a breather.
I'll I'll handle this, Battering Pham.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
Get that sweet tush out of here.
We set the bar high, on top 'cause we so fly (TOILET FLUSHING) (SIGHING) Lil' Buster concert t-shirt.
Fifty bucks? No problem.
- I got it.
- What's happening? How long have you been in there? Well Never mind.
You wanna make twenty bucks? Twenty bucks? Yeah! Moby, Bret, and Jojo were talking about going in on a drone.
- Bret wasn't in - I don't care.
- You in or not? - Deal.
But, I take juice breaks every hour on the hour.
- (WATCH BEEPING) - Juice break.
- You get 30 seconds.
- I only need 10.
Camille, oh, my God! These onion bhajis are so good.
They're actually for later, but I'm glad that you enjoyed them.
Okay, give me the latest.
You want motorcycle skin graft, or superglued butts? - Butts plural? - Butts plural.
Okay, I want both.
Dad, did you hear? Carol's gonna tell us a story.
Already heard.
Gruesome ending.
What are you doing? This portrait mode doesn't do me any favours.
CAROL: I got him on some dating apps.
CAMILLE: Dating apps? I mean, I leave you for 15 minutes and you're online dating? I mean, you don't even give your phone number to the dentist.
Camille, honestly, I don't know why I didn't do this earlier.
This Tru Bond app has introduced me to Wilhelmina.
She loves parasailing and the harpsichord.
Sounds like Wilhelmina can't choose a hobby.
Forget Wilhelmina.
We didn't match.
But, here's another one! Judy J.
She likes fun places and tight spaces.
Cool doctor aunt shows up with her cool doctor dollar bills always cool doctor-one-upping me.
(YELLING) Well, at least Khia does chores.
I asked Mannix to wash the dishes last night.
You know what she said to me? "Mom and Claude take us out to eat.
" Well, ooh la! Ra-ti-da! Must be nice.
(GRUNTING) She's tellin' my kids to do chores? - In your house? - On my home court? Are we too sensitive? Man, you shut your beautiful mouth.
Would you ever ask a bird not to fly? Hm? Or a sunset not to dazzle? You have feelings! You gotta feel those feelings! I am! That's the problem.
You can't let her get you down like that, man.
You're living the dream! - I guess.
- You guess?! Andrew! House in the burbs.
Incredible wife, amazing kids.
- Hot sister.
- Easy.
Dope neighbours.
You can't let your Carol hater-ade rain all over your parade.
You know what? You're right.
It's not my fault that Carol's a loner.
She did this to herself.
That that's not exactly what I was saying.
Her bank account might be bustin' with dollar bills, but my heart is bustin' with love.
Dude, stop saying "bustin'.
" Once again, the hoop solves all! Alley-oop! - (GRUNTING) - You okay? - No, I almost had it.
- Okay.
Can't see me now Do you think I should use a different photograph? Maybe the one with the boat.
Oh, definitely use the one with the boat.
But technically it's not my boat.
By the time they find out Okay, Carol.
Um, you have been so helpful, but I don't love the idea of my dad hooking up with randoms.
She shan't be random for long.
Dad! But, this is what you wanted.
I'm out there! - And he's about to get in there.
- Carol! I know.
I just It all feels a little sudden.
It's been nearly 20 years.
So what's the rush? - (PHONE CHIMING) - Ding dong! Lady on the line! Okay, time to reel her in.
Carol knows what I'm talking about.
You know I'm paying you, right? Can you move a little faster? (SPEAKING SLOWLY) Okay.
I guess Bobo and Joby are getting a drone without you.
It's Jojo and Moby! And Bret.
Except I just checked the group chat.
Bret's back on the fence.
Just move! (SIGHING) Come on! - Is this Dad and Bác Carol? - KHIA: I guess.
- LEO: They look so happy.
- Yeah, and? It's just that they're always fighting and going at each other.
Is that gonna happen to us? You get mad at me a lot.
I do not! (WATCH BEEPING) Don't even think about it.
Hey-o! Right, well, I'm off to Bubble Bae.
But wrestling's gonna start.
My apologies, but I have an Internet date.
- Playa! - (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) RAMESH: Wish me luck! - (SIGHING) - That bad, huh? What? No, everything is fine.
I don't feel weird about this at all.
Hey, at least he's makin' time for love.
Yeah, sure.
I just think that we should all prioritize love.
You know what I mean? - Are you talking about me? - ANDREW: No, no, no.
I was just thinkin' that I got a great house, incredible wife, amazing kids.
Yeah, you do.
And, I would love the same for you.
- Excuse me? - Oh, what happened to "pet store guy?" Yo, you know who was cool? Pet store guy.
Stop talking about pet store guy.
- What's your problem? - My problem is you.
Not everyone marries the first person who kisses them, okay? What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What I'm sayin' is, if you put as much effort into nurturing a relationship as you put into being this world famous doctor, maybe you could have a nurturing relationship.
What? She's not hearing me right.
I'm just saying that someone could love you! - (DOOR CLOSING) - Carol? - (DOOR CLOSING) - Camille! It's about to start.
Where's Leo? I don't know.
He's your son! What happened? Nothing.
We just need space.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: That's been years in the making.
Any updates to your dad's date? We getting a new grandma? - Khia! - Maybe.
It's fine.
I mean, if he's happy, I'm happy.
- That is very wise.
- CAMILLE: I know.
And I'm glad that he's trying new things.
I mean, Tru Bond seems like a good app.
Tru Bond? Um, isn't that app for people with like - How do you know what it is? - Everyone does! Okay, what is Tru Bond for? - People with a freaky streak - Khia, enough! But, yeah.
Freaky streak.
- Like - (SIGHING) (WHISPERING) How do you both know about this? BOTH: My friends told me.
I gotta go.
So, is Auntie C doing, like, a money transfer thing, or should I just wait 'til she gets back? She might not be back.
Oh, that sucks.
I was gonna show her this.
This was the first time I beat your aunt at Mario Kart.
Leo's worried we're gonna end up like you two.
Really? Yeah.
What do you think? Well, it depends.
Do I get to be the stay-at home dad, or the rich doctor? Funny.
(SIGHING) I gotta find your aunt.
- You good to watch Leo? - Sure.
Hey! Make sure she brings my money! AVERY: I swear my rabbit knows me better than anyone.
RAMESH: Lucky bunny.
(LAUGHING) You're so funny.
No, I'm being serious.
Rabbits are very lucky.
Their feet at least.
(LAUGHING) So, what do you do for fun? I enjoy movies quite a bit.
New ones, old ones, you name it.
Ooh, anything exciting? I just watched Blade Runner.
It's the most erotic reflection on mortality I've ever seen.
- Sounds like my kind of movie.
- You've not seen it? Well, I guess I'm not very mainstream.
So, what got you on the app? - Doctor recommended! - Really? I mean, I suppose she's more my niece-in-law? But really, my daughter's the one who pushed me into it.
Love a pushy daughter.
Makes for a stronger daddy.
It's Andrew.
(SIGHING) How'd you find me? I mapped out the nearest hotels, checked for ones with water slides - You called Mom? - I called Mom.
- Ugh.
- (SIGHING) She also mentioned that things just ended with a guy you were seeing.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Why? I broke it off with him.
It wasn't working.
I'm sorry.
- Stop being sorry! - Sorry! I don't know what to say! Do you know what Mom told me right before I came here? - No.
- That I should take Lorenzo back, because I'm running out of time to have kids.
Was Lorenzo the pet store guy? - Stop it! - Sorry.
I like my life.
What you have is great for you, but it's not what I want.
Even though it's what everyone else wants for me.
I just want you to be happy.
And, I know it's different, but, I get it.
You know what Mom said to me when I told her I'd stay home with the kids? - Hm? - Nothing.
For three months.
Oh, my God.
I wish.
You know, we put our lives together, we'd make one passable Asian child.
Check this out.
Oh, my God! Stop it! (GASPING) Yo, I was adorable.
And you know I let you win, right? - Okay, take it easy.
- (KNOCKING) TIM: It's, uh, it's Tim.
From Tru Bond.
- Should I go? - Already bonded! TIM: Ah, okay.
Yeah, um, maybe we don't tell Mom about this.
I'm just gonna powder my nose and we can go.
Unless join me in the bathroom? I can hold it.
I don't care much for public restrooms.
Hey, Dad! Finally! Let's make a break for it.
What? Why? That app isn't what you think it is.
What do you mean? (WHISPERING) - I know that.
- Oh, so you - Oh.
- Yes.
Now, your ongoing presence here is really killing the buzz.
Okay, well then, I was just Oh.
Who's this? - Hi, I'm Camille.
- Camille, will you be joining? - No.
- No! Did you find Auntie C? No.
Psych! She'll tear you apart, stitch you back up, and do it all over again.
Get ready for a full-body ex-slam-ination! - It's Carol the Conqueror! - (KIDS CHEERING) Who wants a ct scan to the solar plexus? I do! ANDREW: Be careful! She's stronger than she looks.
Don't do it! He's just a kid! I almost forgot.
Thank you.
- What's this?! - Brother bonus.
Go make Juju and Toby jealous.
You know those aren't their names.
- Whatever.
- ANDREW: Hey, you two! - (SHUTTER CLICKING) - Aw, that's so cute.
- (BOTH GRUNTING) - Pham grab! Stop! I wasn't ready! CAROL: Come here, guys! Get his legs.
- I got his legs! - Leo, no! CAROL: Leo, bite his leg! Bite his leg! ANDREW: (SCREAMING) Get off me! - (OTHERS YELLING) - LEO: Body slam! - (OTHERS YELLING) - CAROL: Get him, Leo.
- CAROL: Oh, he's slowing down.
- Where's your dad? - He's still out.
- Playa's gon' play.
(FEIGNING LAUGHING) Jealous? I got all I need right here.
Come on.
(OTHERS LAUGHING AND CHEERING) ANDREW: Coming down the stairs, she may have a new step-mom by the end of the night.
It's Mom the Rom Com Power Bomb.
CAMILLE: M-e-u-l Are you in Leo's Vietnamese school homework? No.
I don't know.
I'm inspired.
He's learning Vietnamese.
You're Vietnamese.
I thought I should learn.
Plus - (SPEAKING VIETNAMESE) - Oh, you are amazing.
I know, also, Vietnamese is hard.
Oh, it's not that bad.
Hey, quiz me.
- Okay, uh, cousins.
- Easy.
"Anh ho" for older male cousin, "chi ho" for older female cousin, and "em ho" for younger cousin of any gender.
- Correct.
- That's why they call me Mr.
Nobody calls you that, but the accent is doing it for me.
Ooh, the Vietnamese accent very underrated in the sexy accent department.
- What's next? - (CAMILLE LAUGHING) - Aunts? - Oh, I got a ton of aunts.
You got bác for your parent's elder sister, cau, and yee.
- And that's it? - There are five answers.
Stop putting so much pressure on me! Vietnamese is very hard.
Your secret is safe with me, Mr.
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