Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e01 Episode Script


1 Y'all need to hide yo' kids, and hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband, 'cause ya boy Ryan done made it.
Whoo-whoo! (LAUGHS) It's been total Hansanity around here.
We just started rolling on season 2 of "Crimes.
" The execs at White- preems want to position it as more of a revival since those are all the rage these days.
"Murphy Brown," "Will & Grace," and kind of "Roseanne," but I'm not gonna talk about that here because, uh, yeesh.
(CHUCKLES) Right? Anyhow, our pick-up was looking pretty hairy there for a second.
But the head honchos at YouTube, Robert Kinsel and Susanne Daniels, shorted their Google stocks, so boom, here we are.
Season two, baby! Okies.
Quick recap from season uno.
Sad emoji face.
I didn't book the role of white Aaron Burr in "Hamilton: America Vengeance" but eggplant emoji, I had a blast playing Hercules Mulligan.
Total sleeper role.
Like a lot of times, they didn't even wake me up.
I heard my part was trimmed a touch in post, but you know what they say, "I'm just the editor, stop calling my house.
" Okay, right here mi amigo.
Perfect, thanks.
Okay, here we are.
Red carpet for "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" It's show time for your Ry guy.
Roll the mains.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (SHOTS FIRING) - I got your text.
- RYAN: Hey.
- What's the emergency? - You mean, besides your fashion emergency? You look like you're dressed for an agency screening, and not a premiere.
You see me at work, I always dress like this.
But this isn't work.
For you.
It's work for me.
Red carpet interviews can be a total minefield.
Hey, how do you feel about Kanye? Who's husband are you? Oh, can you please move out of the way, sir? - We're trying to get a picture of Kristen.
- Hansen! - Why did you text me? - Oh, I was trying to figure out who I should walk down the rojo carpet with.
See, Timothée Chalamet just did the Oscars with his mom, and so that's played.
Plus, my mom said she had a thing.
- Probably the same thing my wife was at, so - Hansen, you invited me to your premiere? - Yeah.
- That's the emergency? This is my day off! Okay, I don't think I used the "e" word specifically but Oh? Come quick.
It's an emergency.
Life or death.
- Do you know what literally means? - Literally no idea.
How do I look? Just kidding.
I know I look great.
New suit, who this? (CHUCKLES) Also, pro-tip, always put your iPhone in your jacket pocket that way it doesn't ruin the line of your pants.
I literally couldn't care less.
(CHUCKLES) Call-back joke.
Now watch and marvel as you witness what Ryan A.
Hansen was born to do.
- Hey, how you doing? - Oops, red carpet is for talent only.
No, I am talent.
I'm in the movie.
- Ah, and what is your name.
- Bryan! Hey, it's okay, Julie, he's with me.
Hello Detective Jessica Mathers.
You look like a piece of candy - in a sport coat, my Lord.
- JESSICA: Thank you, Joel! All right, Bry Guy, it's crimson carpet time.
Let's do it.
Ugh, thank you so much, Joel.
Um, it's Ryan, by the way.
Remember, you played me for an entire episode of my show last year? Don't live in the past, Bryan.
Hey, everybody.
- PHOTOGRAPHERS: Joel! Joel! Right here! - Yeah, all right, there you go, thank you.
Okay, last one.
JK, take as many as you want, you guys.
That's right.
And look, and pose, and grin, and act like you just heard a joke.
(FEIGNED LAUGHS) And point like you know somebody.
Hey! You guys.
Hey, guys.
(CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) - Who are you? - Ryan Hansen.
Current IMDB star meter Oh, you need IMDB Pro for that now.
That's new.
Well, it's in the low four figures.
Step and repeat, I know the drill.
I think you can probably just keep stepping.
Okay, thanks.
Thank you guys so much.
Ryan Hansen.
Alexander Hamilton, I'm gonna make you wish you never wrote the Federalist papers or my name isn't Aaron motherfucking Burr.
And because this is a duel, guess what? That's right, bitch.
I brought two guns.
Ooh, that's me.
- Here comes my big monologue - Shh! Sorry.
Sir, I'd just like to say Wow, they really cut me down.
Must be saving me for the airplane version.
(LIGHT CHUCKLE) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) Everything's legal in Jersey.
Ryan, what the hell happens at these Hollywood things that requires a chain to close.
Relax, I save that stuff for the after, after, after-party.
This is just a fresh dashiki and kufi cap.
Then you go in the bathroom and do an SNL style quick change.
If you put that outfit on your body I will shoot you.
No, you don't get it, it's for a role.
See, Kevin Feige, the Pres pro of Marvel Studios is going to be at this after-party tonight.
So I wanted to dress in character.
- You playing an extremely bad idea? - Ha-ha, no.
My agent's assistant's roommate told me that Marvel is prepping a "Black Panther" musical.
The plan? To do a reverse "Hamilton.
" So a show no one goes to see? No, so in "Hamilton," it's mostly diverse actors playing white roles, right? Well, Marvel is going to flip history on its head a second time.
"Black Panther" with an all white cast.
That's why I'm wearing this dashiki.
To show that I'm culturally sensitive enough to pull it off.
No, an all white "Black Panther" is 1,000% the most offensive idea I have ever heard.
And I am including season two of this show in that.
Hey, I was worried it might be offensive, too.
But then I realized you have to look at the intent.
And I'm pretty sure Marvel intends to make an awesome musical.
You have to remember this is the company that brought us "Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark," so, I hope that put some of your concerns to rest.
It does not.
I feel you on that one.
Wakanda all day.
It's Wakanda forever.
I'm pretty sure you're thinking of "Batman Forever," but that's DC.
Totally different cinematic universe.
Someone is gonna get seriously sued over this.
They're calling it "Wakanda Forever: Turn Off the Dark.
" - What is the problem? - I'm leaving.
No, Mathers, Mathers, hey, look! I know that Hollywood parties aren't your thing, but it's gonna be fun tonight, okay? Look, you're rolling with the Han-man, right? Check it.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, what's up? Ryan Hansen, plus one.
Yeah, you're not on the list, hoss.
Uh, you mind checking again, hoss? 'Cause I'm in the movie.
I mean, just for a second, but still.
It's like a full half-day on set.
Oh, Mr.
Star, come on in.
We got four bottles of Goldschlager on ice just for you guys.
Come on, seriously? Martin Star? - He's not even in it.
- (PHONE RINGING) He's in "Silicon Valley," you're not.
Well, I'm in Studio City.
I understand, we're on it.
We have to go.
No, I'm not going anywhere until I convince Kevin Feige that Wakanda needs to share their vibranium with the world, in song.
Besides, wasn't this you day off? I'm investigating something on the side.
- We need to get out of here.
- Oh, little side hustle, I get it.
Oh, that's my boy Feige.
Kev, Kev-dog.
Killmonger, sweet Killmonger You are strong I am stronger What's that? I accept your challenge, cousin.
Meet you at the waterfall.
- Ryan.
- What? Snap out of it.
If we don't grab this suspect now - Suspect, what are you talking about? - (TIRES SCREECHING) (GUN FIRING) - (SCREAMING) - Oh, my God! Mathers, you're shot.
Get the plates.
(TIRES SCREECHING) INTERCOM: Code blue, code blue, Dr.
Parra, Dr.
Bugwani in the OR stat.
I am so sorry I couldn't get the license number, but it was a Tesla, zero emissions paper plate, okay? Hang in there, Mathers.
You're gonna be okay.
Doc, is she gonna be okay? Is there something we can do stat? Is Clooney on duty? I mean, I know he was peds on the show, but we need the best for her and the Cloon-dog always delivers.
Your partner's lost a lot of blood.
(RYAN SIGHS) She's not just my partner.
She's my friend.
We'll do what we can.
Hey! Oh, thanks so much for coming in.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Traffic, right? Ugh, the worst.
So so glad we could make this work out.
What can I get you, coffee, water, CBD oil? No, I'm good.
So, we're not doing the Captain Jackson bit this season? We're going with Lady Captain? Oh, it's actually Captain Lade'e.
- Lade'e.
- It's Hawaiian.
Oh, okay.
First of all, I want to say from all of us at the department - we are so sorry about - (PHONE CHIMES) Hold on one second.
I just need to respond to this.
And one second longer after this moment I'll be done.
Your partner You seem kind of familiar, do we know each other? Maybe, I used to work in the biz.
I was a development executive at NBC Uni.
I oversaw "Chicago PD" and before that, "Chicago Med.
" I'm a huge fan of the Chicago extended television universe.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- PD, Fire, Med, Sanitation, Animal Control.
Huge hits.
The Mayor figured if I ran nine seasons of a cop show, I could clean up one precinct.
And/or get some more eyeballs on this mess.
- (CHUCKLES) - Sure.
Well, hey, it is really great to meet you, but I gotta get back to my partner in the hospital.
Oh, no need to rush.
The hospital reached out, Mathers is stable and in a contractually induced coma.
- Don't you mean medically induced? - That's what I said.
Ry guy, I am a huge fan of your work.
I mean, I haven't seen most of it, or any of it really, but from what I hear, it's some A+ stuff.
And I love the format.
I do.
I'll say it.
I don't have any notes.
It's working.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
That said, I am gonna need to make some drastic changes.
Hang on, are you cancelling me? I didn't say cancel.
Did I say cancel, Shoshana? No one said "cancel.
" Has she been here this whole time? Shoshana's my assistant.
She's in every meeting, she's on every phone call.
Never forget that.
Listen, RyRy, you don't have a partner.
When the Mayor came up with "Celebrity Vice Squad," he envisioned something like "Castle" season three.
But it's trending more like "Castle" season seven.
Not to mention "Cobra Kai" has really raised the bar.
That was existing IP, our show is original.
Is it though? - Yeah.
- "Kai" has 40 million views and a 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
I mean, what's your show's tomatometer? We don't have one.
What do you mean you don't have one? Like, literally no one reviewed our show the first season.
- And you got another season? - That's right.
That's insane! Do you understand what I'm saying Ry bread? I do.
And you're right, Mathers was shot because I wasn't famous enough to get into the after-party.
Now Captain Lade'e, you listen to me-ee.
I can do this with the LAPD's help or I can do this on my own, lone wolf style.
Cancel me or don't cancel me, but I will not rest until I find the man, woman, or gender fluid shooter who shot Mathers.
Whoo! Yes! (CLAPPING) Yes! Yes to that.
You know what? That's Shondaland, okay? That did it for my downstairs, Ryan, thank you! Ooh, I'm feeling this.
It's episodic, but with a serialized element.
Ooh, it's the best of both worlds, but I'm not going to commence you working alone.
You need someone to supervise you.
That's why, I'm pairing you up with a new partner.
Think of it as a long form chemistry read.
Okay, well, what's his deal? Too old for this shit? Loose cannon? By the book? Dog cop? I teach him some new tricks, he teaches me a few old ones? (SIGHS) No, you'll have a human partner.
- For now.
- Okay, he just caught a case.
He's already on the scene.
- I wouldn't keep him waiting.
- Okay.
That's your cue, go! That's my cue.
Good note, thank you.
- Bye, Shoshana.
- Don't talk to Shoshana.
Shoshana, don't ever date an actor.
Fuck them, don't date them.
Uh-oh, Frankenstein.
Oh! Ryan! - BOTH: Quack, quack, quack - (IMITATES GUN SHOT) - (IMITATES GUN SHOT) - Ooh! - Oops.
- (LAUGHTER) - Hey, man.
- Hey, man, so sorry about Mathers.
(SIGHS) Yeah, it's terrible.
Crazy how she got sidelined right as they were starting production on season three of "The Handmaid's Tale.
" - Wait, what? - What? Hm, nothing.
I didn't I wasn't.
Oh, uh, so what's the deal here? Oh, the victim's a 25-year-old male.
He was taking a picture in front of the selfie while at this pop-up museum when he was killed.
Syringe to the back of the neck.
The ushe.
- Well, typical.
- Yeah.
Wait, what are you doing here? Oh, Captain cast a new partner for me.
Sort of a "must hire" kind of deal.
I think this is his case.
Oh, shit.
Vince Vicente is your new partner? - Wait, you know him? - Everyone knows him! He's no joke.
Oh, no worries, I'll take care of the comedy.
I just need a straight man.
Is he here? Yeah, inside.
Questioning witnesses.
VINCE: Tell me what you saw.
- Oh, my God, he's so cool.
- The coolest.
Damn, you gotta be more careful, cuz.
You know, you could get really hurt.
Listen, if you don't tell me what you saw right now I'm gonna book you in possession of a deadly weapon and I'm throw a little resist and arrest in there, too.
(GROANS) Man, I don't have a gun, I swear.
Is that so? Here.
It don't look like that to me, man.
- Dirty cop.
- The dirtiest.
That's fun.
I gotta go intro myself.
- Good luck.
- Okay.
Detective Vince Vicente.
Hey, cool name.
Is that a little first thought? We can pitch on it.
Kidding, but not really.
(GIGGLES) - Who the hell are you? - Oh, not a "fansen" I see.
That's okay, nobody's perfect.
I'm internet famous celebrity, Ryan Hansen.
I'm your new partner.
Or, I guess technically you're my new partner because you're on my show.
I'm not on your show, But I'm not gonna make a big deal about it.
No, thank you.
I heard your partners get shot.
So you have heard of me.
Hey, you don't even have to ask, I'm happy to sign a headshot for you.
I'd happy to shoot you in your head if you don't shut your mouth.
Whoa-ho-ho! Going full "Shield.
" Love the instinct.
Tonally, not right for the show, but it is your first scene so I'll allow it.
I don't have time for this shit.
Wait, did you just say you're too old for this shit? - No.
- Could you real quick? Maybe, after this scumbag tells me what he saw.
- (GRUNTS) - (SPECTATORS GASP) So it's a dozen people out here and ain't nobody seen nothing? Huh? That's bullshit! - (CHUCKLES) - That's impossible! - Uh, it's totes possible.
- Come again? Well, nobody saw anything because they're all looking at themselves.
This this is L.
's hottest new pop-up museum this week, - for a few hours.
- What's a pop-up museum? (LAUGH) That's so Mathers of you not to know anything about anything cool.
It's like a regular museum, but it's temporary, for profit, and they don't you teach about anything.
But it is perfect for pictures.
That's why nobody saw anything.
They're all too busy taking selfies.
So you're telling me that there's no witnesses to a murder in broad daylight because the people of Los Angeles would rather take pictures of themselves than help out their fellow human being in need.
(CHUCKLES) Over-simplify much? Is avocado toast just avocados on toast? Yeah.
Well, I guess that is what it is.
Solid insight.
Okay new partner, wanna help me figure out my old partner's shooting? No, because I'm not your new partner.
I got my own murders to solve, and I don't need "White Guy #4" slowing me down.
Awesome "meet-cute.
" You don't have to be afraid.
She's in a coma, but she can hear every word you say.
She just won't be able to respond.
I'm sure she'll love nothing more than to hear you talk to her for as long as you want without any interruption.
You're right.
She would totally love that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
(SIGHS) Hey, Mathers.
I'm sorry.
The truth is, if I was even like Max Greenfield-level famous, we would have been inside the after-party and you would have been safe.
Ah, man, the two of us had such great chemistry, right? Sure, I carried most of the scenes, but with enough practice, I could totally see you delivering a stand-out performance on a highly regarded streaming show, too.
Maybe "Bosch"? That's still a thing, right? "Bosch"? Eh, whatever.
Hey, I really want to find the person who did this to you.
But Captain Lade'e said I have to work with Vince to find your shooter.
And he doesn't want to work with me because he wrongfully thinks I suck.
I mean, who can keep all these motivations straight? Unless, if I help Vince solve his current case, maybe he'll help me solve yours.
Yes! Look at us, still got it.
- Ow! Oh, shoot.
- (MACHINE BEEPING) Oh, God, um Nurse! Oh! Ow.
I cracked the case.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- I can't wait to hear this.
- Well, let me give you a little advice - my first acting coach gave me.
- Quit? - No.
- Stop doing that with your face? No, what? No Why would you even Okay, you know what? It's all about patience.
- Patience.
- Well, get to it already, Hansen.
Okay, check this out.
Right there.
She did it.
She could definitely be holding a syringe in this picture, - just off frame.
- Doesn't make any sense, man.
If she's a killer, why would she photograph herself in front of the crime scene? Well, because she's a disaster artist.
Man, fuck James Franco.
No, not the movie, but I totally feel you on that.
The disaster artist is someone who gets off on the social media boost they get when they post a picture of themselves in front of something horrible happening.
It's kind of like that movie "Nightcrawler" but for millennials like me.
Here's one of her smiling in a cemetery.
Bikini selfie in front of a heart attack.
Cry-ie face at a funeral.
I'm telling you, man.
This is our girl.
Sound like some serial killer shit to me.
Ho-ho, I wish.
We should be so lucky.
Those shows run forever.
But our girl started running into a problem.
It's getting harder and harder to find a disaster to take a selfie in front of.
So she started creating her own disasters and staging them at all the places where assholes take selfies.
That's a hell of a theory.
Got any proof? Hey, look at that.
We ended up right where started.
That's convenient for coverage.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, she just posted another photo.
Well, lookie here.
Hey, you wanted proof? How about a lark-filtered confessional photo? Now tell me that picture's not worth a thousand words.
Toxicology said the poison in the syringe was cyanide.
So if we find her quickly enough maybe she'll still have some on her.
Well, I think I know where she's going next.
Well, how the hell you possibly know that? Well, she's taken photos at every popular L.
selfie spot.
Except one, the Venice canals, in Venice, Los Angeles.
Not in Italy.
Obvi', we don't have the budget to go there, so - Then let's go.
- Ride together, partner? It'll be like the movie, "Ride Along.
" Except, I'm like a taller Kevin Hart.
I told you, you're not my partner.
Okay, that is so something Cube would say.
I'll tell ya, this ain't the L.
I live in.
Oh, you closer to the Grove? Inglewood.
I grew up in South Central.
Oh, my gosh! It's so on the nose, I love it.
So, what was your childhood like? Nice and stable like everyone I know? You ever see "Batman"? It's like that.
Darker, and without the money.
Burton, Schumacher, or Nolan.
Can't get much darker than Nolan.
But I get it, your back-story is one big mystery.
Are you really as dangerous as you seem? Or, is there a heart of gold underneath all that gruffness? Either way, you sir, are an onion.
And we're gonna unpeel you over the next seven episodes.
We're gonna solve this case and then we're never going to speak again.
Or that.
Oh, my God.
There she is.
VINCE: Is that a syringe? She's going to kill them both.
Not if we can help it.
Hand in, partner.
Nah, move! Move! You're under arrest! First foot chase of the season.
Excuse me.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, excuse me! - Hey! Watch it! - Uh! This feels so shoe leathery.
You going somewhere? Hold on.
Whoa, what Ah! - Drop the needle, let's talk.
- Talk? What's there to talk about? I'm only doing what the algorithm demands, and it demands blood.
So drop the piece before pretty boy here gets so much cyanide that he's dead before he hits the water.
Okay, that water is super gross.
Please don't throw my beautiful corpse in it.
Vince, hey.
She's serious, okay? So if you're really my partner, you will drop your weapon.
Vince, come on! I told you, Hansen, we're not partners.
- (GUN SHOT) - Ah! Ah.
- Uh.
- Okay, I give up.
(HANDCUFFS CLOSING) - He shot you.
- Yeah, he did.
Right in the phone.
See, Vince knows I always put my phone in my jacket pocket so it doesn't ruin the line of my skinny jeans.
Right VV? Sure.
Let's go with that in the report.
Don't arrest me, arrest the system that rewarded me with a social media following for posting those photos.
Well, seems a little thinky for this show.
Nice job.
Thank you.
Admit it, you liked working with me, come on.
I'll do it if I'm legally obligated to.
Can't tell you how much that means to me.
You know, this whole time I thought you were a dirty cop? But then when you shot me back there, - it all clicked.
- Hm.
You're not a dirty cop, you are a rogue cop.
It's a fine line, but a distinctly different archetype.
Whatever, man.
Rogue cop, that is so cool.
Hey, now that I helped you close the selfie case, maybe you can help find Mathers' shooter.
Maybe tomorrow.
Or maybe tonight.
Not for work, but um, wanna come over to my place for a home cooked meal? You know, we can bond a little bit.
Nah, I don't really socialize with my partners.
So we are partners.
All right.
I'll order a Lyft, that's okay.
That's fine.
Does this thing still work? Crap.
Hey, you guys got a phone? - (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) - Honey, I'm home.
BOTH: Daddy! RYAN: Hey, girls.
AUDIENCE: Aww! So, Mr.
Season two pickup, how was the first episode back? It was awesome.
- Yeah? - Mathers got shot and she's in a season-long coma, - which is a real bummer.
- AUDIENCE: Aww! But they gave me this new rogue partner, and together we're solving this "Who shot Mathers mystery" over multiple episodes like a real prestige drama.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Oh, so that's how they wrote her out.
Oh, please, Steven, at least try to play against type.
- Hi, Ryan.
- Ryan, who are they? Oh, yeah, my parents moved in next door.
- They're our new neighbors.
- Ryan, they're not your real parents.
Yeah, I know, I wanted to use my actual Dad, like in "Master of None," but he tested bad, like real bad.
And my mom wouldn't come down on her quote, so the producers were like, hey, two men.
Sort of like a, "My Two Dads" thing.
Girls, meet your gaybors.
Thank you.
So, how is season two treating my big, strong, biological son? Hey, now, that test tube had semen from both of us in it - (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - so there's no way to know whose son he really is.
And also, he does have my likable on-screen presence.
You are irresistible, Adam, that's for darn sure.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - AUDIENCE: Aww! You know what? I'm sorry I got mad at you for not telling me that your gay TV parents moved in next door.
Well, thank you for apologizing for my mistake.
- It's very sitcom wife of you.
- (GIGGLES) Just promise, no more surprises.
Hey, I promise, no more surprises.
Hey, Hansen, I changed my mind about that home cooked meal.
- I hope that's okay.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) What the hell? Come on, Vince, the blocking's a little tricky, but you'll get used to it.
- Don't film me.
Don't - (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Don't film me.
Turn the camera off.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - Off, now! Oh, boy, this guy's gonna be a real handful.
Am I right? - (LAUGHTER) - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (SCOFFS) No, I'm working on this reboot.
Yeah, they're rebooting another TV show.
(SIGHS) It makes wanna reboot my lunch.
It's for YouTube Red, or Premium, or Freeform, or whatever they're calling it these days.
Like anybody cares.
It's mostly amateur bitcoin documentaries.
You know how much they're charging now? $11.
99 a month.
Yeah, to watch Ryan fucking Hansen.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, "Cobra Kai" is definitely worth that much.
It's so good.
(GUN SHOT) Whoa, what a cliffhanger.
I bet you have a ton of questions.
Like, "Who can I give a million dollars to so I can find out who the killer is right now?" Well, the answer is no one because you can watch episode two for free.