Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e07 Episode Script
A River of Candy Corn Runs Through It
I can't wait for our new furniture to get here.
I know.
It's gonna be here just in time for our nice, quiet Halloween at home.
You mean, we're not visiting relatives this year? Hope, hope.
Nope.
I called them and told them that we just can't make the family gathering this year.
I am so glad.
I hate flying during the holidays.
The traffic getting back to the universe is always vacuum-to-vacuum.
Halloween might actually be fun this year? Not that Grandpa's game of Find My Teeth isn't without its charms.
We'll rent movies, stir up some candy corn, listen to Jim Nabors, sing Halloween songs.
You're talking about the album, right? I don't want him at the house again.
MAN'S VOICE: Hey, delivery.
Oh, I just love that Other Realm furniture.
It's always delivered on time, and you don't have to tip anybody.
- And there's a 300-year warranty.
SALEM: Heh-heh-heh.
- Salem.
- If you ladies don't mind, I got a lot of new territory to mark.
Oh.
This is so not me.
How do you get to be friends with those guys? - I think we'd have to fill in a form.
- You know what I'd say to Asher? - What? - "Hello.
" That would take guts.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Hi, Asher, guess what.
I'm having a Halloween party - Friday night.
- Really? It's gonna be awesome.
Great food, a DJ, me.
- And you know what the best part is? - What? No freaks.
Gee, you think she wanted us to hear that? Don't let Libby get to you.
Just tell yourself what I tell myself: These are the best years of her life.
Hey.
Did you hear? Sabrina's having a Halloween party.
- Really? - Yeah.
And it's gonna be great.
Music, dancing and other things cool people do.
Heh.
I'm glad to know the B-list people have someplace to go.
Is she inviting teachers as well? [STUDENTS CHUCKLING.]
Sabrina's bash is gonna make your party look like a civil-service exam.
Wow, Sabrina swore she'd never have a party.
Really? Hey, Sabrina, great news about your party.
- Party? STUDENTS: Whoa, party? [STUDENTS CLAMOURING.]
STUDENT 1: All right.
STUDENT 2: Whoo-hoo.
Sabrina, you might want to know, - you're having a Halloween party.
- What? Well, I would've said my house, but I was afraid my parents would dance.
I can't have a party at my house.
Why not? Your house is cool.
It's old, gothic, kind of spooky.
Right, it's all wrong for a Halloween party.
You have to tell them it's not happening.
- So when's the party, Sabrina? - Uh Sabrina might not-- Probably is definitely not having the party STUDENTS: Aww.
almost.
So you were just making the whole thing up? Well, what I was doing was, I was-- Telling too soon.
She wasn't supposed to tell until I asked my aunts.
So you still might have the party? It all depends on what my aunts say.
Of course you can have a party.
A mortal Halloween, how quaint.
I need you guys to tell me no.
Don't you want to spend a quiet Halloween at home? This is more important.
Your first party.
Why don't you have kids over more often? Because, like most teenagers, I'm self-conscious about the fact that we're witches.
Yes, but we're people too.
Now, don't worry, we'll make sure no witchy stuff happens during the party.
Come on, think about it.
All your friends having fun, dancing.
Actually, I think it would be fun to have some people over.
You know, be normal for once.
And if all goes well, you might just go from normal to toast of the town.
And if anything goes wrong, we could always move to another town, right? - Sometimes it's so hard to be young.
- I know.
But I think I handle it pretty well.
- Salem, those are for the guests.
- Mm.
I'm just making sure all is right.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Cheetos should be served at room temperature, you know.
HILDA: Sabrina, phone call.
- It's a boy.
- Can I lick the bowl? Yes.
Of course, you'll be horribly burned.
Hello, party central.
Hey, Sabrina, it's me.
I've got some bad news.
- I can't come to your party.
- What? My mom and dad said I have to take my brother - and his friends trick-or-treating.
- You're kidding.
- Did they just spring this on you? - Yeah, they just reminded me that they told me about it two weeks ago.
So they're totally to blame.
I got a bad feeling about all this free candy.
My little brother gets hyped up just eating an apple.
Oh.
I'll see you later, I hope.
Great.
Harvey can't come to my party.
He's the only guy I had confirmed.
FEMALE VOICE: Here we go again.
- Sabrina, did you turn on the TV? No.
That's weird.
[VOICES CHATTERING.]
What are you putting in the candy corn? MSG.
What could it hurt? [SABRINA SCREAMS.]
- What's the matter? - Our furniture.
It's talking.
Could you people bug off? Marvin, could you possibly be nice - to the new owners for a change? - Aw Couches are from Mars, chairs are from Venus.
All this from a 26-year-old who still lives with his parents.
I've been looking for a place.
Think it's easy? [WHISTLES.]
Thank you.
What the heck is going on here? Apparently we accidentally bought talking furniture.
Do you want to say "duh," or should I? Talking furniture? What, were they people that were turned into furniture? Of course not.
Where would you get an idea like that? It's just furniture that talks.
That's right.
We're sideshow acts.
We have personalities and feelings, you know.
- Yeah.
- And we're great for single people.
And I can't wait to get to know each and every one of you.
- Zap them back.
- Why? They could be fun.
- Aunt Zelda, my party.
- Okay.
- That's odd.
- What's the matter? I know.
We put them on our credit card, and until they're paid off, we can't zap them away.
Well, I have a suggestion: Do something.
Please? We'll just go back to the store and tell them they made a mistake.
Come on.
Okay, well, don't be too long, because I don't like being left alone with furniture I hardly know.
Here, you just relax, dear.
Phew.
Hmm! Creepy.
Oh, I forgot everything is closed in the Other Realm on Halloween.
Except Denny's.
Let's have some pie.
No.
We'd better get back home.
Sabrina may need our help.
But pie Are you gonna put that there? Yes.
Do you have a problem with that? No, no, don't let a sense of style ruin your design.
How would you like to spend the rest of your life in a garage sale? Ha-ha-ha-achoo-hoo! A couch who's allergic to cats? Finally, someone whose life is more pathetic than mine.
Oh, thank goodness.
Well, guys, it was nice knowing you.
Be sure to write.
I'm sorry, but everything is closed in the Other Realm.
- We can't zap them away just yet.
- Ugh.
But they can't stay here, I have mortals coming over.
Well, we'll just take the furniture - down to the basement.
- And burn it? [FURNITURE CHATTERING.]
Calm down, calm down.
We'll just leave you there for the duration of the party.
No one will know that they're there.
We once kept a Viking down there for centuries.
Oh, we did let him go, didn't we? Oh, yeah.
Remember when we-- I'm sure it's a cute story.
Why don't you tell it after we move the furniture.
[CHUCKLING.]
Stop it.
Stop it.
I'm ticklish.
Maybe you should start with the striped chair.
He has no sense of humour.
I don't think that's funny.
Hey, be gentle.
Watch out for my arms.
Hey.
[SMALLER CHAIR SCREAMS.]
SMALLER CHAIR: Get me out of here.
Get them off me.
All right.
- All right, calm down.
- Ouch, ouch, ouch.
- What is it? - What's the matter? - Ouch, ouch, ouch.
- We've got termites.
So spray something.
That won't do any good, these are Other Realm termites.
Talking furniture attracts them.
- Look.
- Help me.
- Are you gonna finish that knothole? - Bah! [BOTH MUNCHING NOISILY.]
Get them off me.
This is bad.
This is really bad.
The furniture talks, the termites talk, I haven't finished decorating [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[CRYING.]
And now the party's starting.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Just get the door.
- We'll think of something.
- Alert the authorities, I beg you.
Oh, pipe down.
[SMALLER CHAIR WHIMPERING.]
Quack, quack, quack - Hi, it's me, Valerie.
Heh.
- Great costume.
I thought I'd get here early and help.
That way I would intentionally be the first one here instead of accidentally being the first one here.
I'm the first one here, aren't I? - Yup.
SMALLER CHAIR: I don't wanna die.
- Who's that? - My aunt.
She's having a midlife crisis.
My dad had one of those, he bought a red car.
So, what can I do? Um Go in the kitchen and fill some bowls with pretzels.
Okay, sure.
Sabrina, thanks for going through with this.
You're a good friend.
Thanks, Valerie, and don't worry, it's gonna be a great party.
And normal, very normal.
HILDA: I swear, I will knock the stuffing out of you.
We're starting her on hormones next week.
How about those pretzels? [KIDS YELLING.]
Now, don't forget to say "thank you.
" [DOORBELL RINGS.]
What have we here? [KIDS CLAMOURING.]
Trick-or-treat for UNICEF? [GRUNTS.]
Thank you.
Excuse me, but I am not going back to the basement.
Take it easy, Chair.
Okay, for now, the termites are confined to the basement.
Can't we call a magic exterminator? No, it's a holiday, and they're very devout.
Got it.
For the time being, we could feed the termites our old, used furniture.
BOTH: Yeah! - We'll start with the old lawn chairs, the coat tree and Salem's scratching post.
- Hey.
- It's a birthday present and you never use it.
You never use the Waterpik I gave you.
Let's not get ugly.
It's for the sake of Sabrina's party.
Or the tea cosy Okay, look, guys, this is my first party, and I really need it to go well.
My aunts will keep the termites at bay.
If you behave yourselves and not say a word, I promise I'll I'm talking to furniture.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Okay, listen up, you upholstered losers.
If you misbehave for just one instant, I'll cut you, man.
[ALL WHIMPERING.]
Hey, guys, happy Halloween.
Thanks for coming.
ZELDA: Coming through.
Just working on my triceps.
Okay.
Well, help yourselves.
There's chips, soda, cookies, raw vegetables-- How'd those get there? VALERIE: Sabrina, I love your bubbling cauldron-- - Aw, shoot! - Valerie, wait.
Uh-- Okay, I'll be back in a minute.
Everyone have a good time and talk amongst yourselves.
I mean, the people talk.
Nothing else should talk.
And why would it? Gotta go.
What's the matter? What's the matter? I'm a duck.
No one else here is a duck.
Dave's got a little alligator on his shirt.
It's not the same.
I always do stupid stuff like this.
Why'd you have to have this party in the first place? Couldn't help myself.
From now on, I'm gonna be a total recluse.
I'll create this mystique around myself that people will find really fascinating, but they'll never see me in public.
Or you could just take the costume off.
I can't.
My mom sewed me in.
Sabrina, more guests have arrived.
Are any of them wearing Halloween costumes? I'm sorry, honey.
One boy's wearing a cap.
Why didn't I take my little brother's teasing seriously? [ALL YELLING.]
Hey! Stop egging that house! [ALL YELLING.]
Come back here, I mean it! You know, they try juveniles as adults in this state now! [KIDS YELLING.]
Everyone having a good time? [JIM NABORS SINGING OVER STEREO.]
- What is that music? - I don't know.
It was on the stereo.
- It sounds like Jim Nabors.
- No.
And certainly not him in person.
[MAGIC DINGS, MUSIC CHANGES.]
I know what this party needs: candy corn.
Heh.
Aunt Hilda, it was a very nice gesture, but in case you didn't notice, we're not 5 years old.
Yes, I'm very aware of that, but if I were you, I would really play up the candy-corn angle.
- Why? - Follow me.
Is that the antique rocker my mother gave me? - Yes.
I'm going to feed the termites.
- Do it.
What happened? Well, we tried to double the recipe, and we accidentally squared it.
- Well, zap it away.
- I tried that, but it didn't work.
Does the recipe book have any answers? Oh, there's a chapter called "What to Do If You Make Too Much Candy Corn.
" What does it say? "You can never make too much candy corn.
" No! Don't come in here! No, no, no, Zelda's naked! It's that midlife thing again.
I'm so glad you decided to come downstairs.
No, I'm just here to announce that I am now officially insane.
I could have sworn I heard a doorbell coming from inside your linen closet.
Oh, well, that's where I keep my wind chimes.
And it does get a little draughty in there.
Heh-heh-heh.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ah.
MONSTERS [SINGING.]
: Ya-la-la-la-la Oh, Halloween carollers.
Listen, we're kind of in the middle of something, so could you just make it a quick Halloween carol? Great.
ALL: On the 12,000th day of Halloween My true love gave to me - 12,000 eyeballs - 1 1,999 ear of newt But I just came to tell you about the doorbell and now I'm leaving.
- No, you have to stay at the party.
- No, I can't, I can't.
You have to help me out here.
- But they'll laugh at me.
- Well, at least they'll be entertained.
- All right, I guess I owe you.
- Thanks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
MAN: Trick-or-treat.
Huh? I said, trick-or-treat.
Quizmaster, not now, not tonight.
Well, when you least expect it, the perfect time for a quiz.
Would it help if I said I was having a party? Oh, yes.
This is a party? Man, I've been to Amish quilting bees that were more happening than this.
And when are you appearing at the Laugh Factory? Candy corn? What am I, 5? - Just give me that quiz, now.
- Okay.
Pop-quiz challenge number one: - make me a pumpkin.
- Whatever you say.
This is not what I meant.
- You want me to hollow you out now? - No.
Turn me back, woman.
Not funny.
Come on, you have to admit that was pretty impressive.
What if some kid had come around with a baseball bat? - Can I go back to the party now? - No.
I have one more question.
What? Can I use your bathroom? - Down the hall, on your left.
- Thank you.
Oh, now what? Halloween carollers from the Other Realm.
They promised me they'd be quiet if I gave them some candy corn.
Valerie, how's the party going? People are reading, you'd better do something quick.
I'll be right there.
ZELDA: Heads up, lady with a plank.
- Ooh! Mmp! That's it.
I've tried to be a normal teenager and have a normal social life, but it's no use.
I might as well face it, this party's over.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey, is the party still going on? - Oh-- Absolutely.
Come on in.
Thanks.
[QUIETLY.]
We'll give it a few minutes.
Wow, a cool guy came to your party.
I'm a duck.
So, Sabrina, this is your party, huh? [GIGGLING.]
Yeah.
We have to get people to dance.
- Okay, let's make room.
- Okay.
[COUCH GIGGLES.]
Know what? Why don't we just dance around the furniture? It's all the rage in New York.
[DOOR BREAKS, SABRINA GASPS.]
Oh, no.
[MUNCHING NOISILY.]
Oak veneer.
I knew it wasn't the real stuff.
So how about some tunes? Well, the stereo's kind of on the blink right now, but I think I have a transistor radio somewhere in the house.
Well, you know, Libby's got a DJ at her party.
Maybe we should all go there.
GUYS: Yeah.
- No, come on, guys, stay.
We don't need music to dance.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oop.
Valerie? Valerie, are you all right? Quack once for yes, twice for no.
VALERIE: I'm okay.
The tail-feathers broke my fall.
Weird.
These look like bite marks.
What could have caused them? COUCH: Termites.
[GUESTS SCREAMING, CHATTERING.]
Listen, everyone, I can explain.
[MONSTERS SINGING.]
And they would be? [RUMBLING.]
[GUESTS SCREAMING.]
COUCH: Oh.
And that is? Cool.
Sabrina, how did you rig all this Halloween stuff up? It's awesome.
Oh, a little imagination and some yarn.
It's really inventive.
I mean, everyone's done spaghetti brains, but a river of candy corn? Salem, nobody knows that this stuff is real.
Excellent.
Attention, kids.
I urge you to accept me as your ruler.
Wow, the cat talks.
Say, [SLOWLY.]
"Asher.
Asher.
" [MIMICS ASHER.]
Loser.
Loser.
Cool party, Sabrina.
VALERIE: Could someone help the duck? I'm so glad some other people decided to wear costumes.
Ha-ha.
COUCH: Hey, thanks for eating those termites, pal.
No problem.
Taste like frog legs.
Thanks.
I think I'm suffering from post-traumatic trick-or-treat syndrome.
That's too bad because I've had a very restful evening.
SALEM: This next song is ladies' choice.
I know what will make this night really perfect.
[BAND STARTS PLAYING.]
[GUESTS CHEERING.]
Wow.
It's the 10,000 Maniacs.
[SINGING.]
On bended knee I've looked through Every window then Touched the bottom The night a sleepless day instead A day when love came Came easy like What's lost now found Beneath a blinding Okay, so I forgot how good this stuff is.
What are you still doing here? Is there another quiz? No.
In fact, I have a confession to make.
I didn't come here to quiz you tonight.
I came because I had to work, and, well, all my family's way on the other side of the Realm.
And, well, I kind of get lonely during the holidays.
That's sweet.
So, what you're saying is, you gave me a quiz when I was having a nervous breakdown for no reason? Basically.
Mind if I dance with the duck? I crashed through mirrors I crashed through floors Of laughter then Libby, you're at my party? Please.
I only came by to see the largest gathering of weirdoes ever.
Is that 10,000 Maniacs? Yeah.
Why don't you call them weirdoes to their faces? Heh.
I heard her party's been over for hours.
A bunch of kids egged her house.
And you would save me I throw a great party.
And I held you Like you were my child We were, we were We were, we were without In doubt We were, we were We were, we were without Saving for a rainy day Rainy day
I know.
It's gonna be here just in time for our nice, quiet Halloween at home.
You mean, we're not visiting relatives this year? Hope, hope.
Nope.
I called them and told them that we just can't make the family gathering this year.
I am so glad.
I hate flying during the holidays.
The traffic getting back to the universe is always vacuum-to-vacuum.
Halloween might actually be fun this year? Not that Grandpa's game of Find My Teeth isn't without its charms.
We'll rent movies, stir up some candy corn, listen to Jim Nabors, sing Halloween songs.
You're talking about the album, right? I don't want him at the house again.
MAN'S VOICE: Hey, delivery.
Oh, I just love that Other Realm furniture.
It's always delivered on time, and you don't have to tip anybody.
- And there's a 300-year warranty.
SALEM: Heh-heh-heh.
- Salem.
- If you ladies don't mind, I got a lot of new territory to mark.
Oh.
This is so not me.
How do you get to be friends with those guys? - I think we'd have to fill in a form.
- You know what I'd say to Asher? - What? - "Hello.
" That would take guts.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Hi, Asher, guess what.
I'm having a Halloween party - Friday night.
- Really? It's gonna be awesome.
Great food, a DJ, me.
- And you know what the best part is? - What? No freaks.
Gee, you think she wanted us to hear that? Don't let Libby get to you.
Just tell yourself what I tell myself: These are the best years of her life.
Hey.
Did you hear? Sabrina's having a Halloween party.
- Really? - Yeah.
And it's gonna be great.
Music, dancing and other things cool people do.
Heh.
I'm glad to know the B-list people have someplace to go.
Is she inviting teachers as well? [STUDENTS CHUCKLING.]
Sabrina's bash is gonna make your party look like a civil-service exam.
Wow, Sabrina swore she'd never have a party.
Really? Hey, Sabrina, great news about your party.
- Party? STUDENTS: Whoa, party? [STUDENTS CLAMOURING.]
STUDENT 1: All right.
STUDENT 2: Whoo-hoo.
Sabrina, you might want to know, - you're having a Halloween party.
- What? Well, I would've said my house, but I was afraid my parents would dance.
I can't have a party at my house.
Why not? Your house is cool.
It's old, gothic, kind of spooky.
Right, it's all wrong for a Halloween party.
You have to tell them it's not happening.
- So when's the party, Sabrina? - Uh Sabrina might not-- Probably is definitely not having the party STUDENTS: Aww.
almost.
So you were just making the whole thing up? Well, what I was doing was, I was-- Telling too soon.
She wasn't supposed to tell until I asked my aunts.
So you still might have the party? It all depends on what my aunts say.
Of course you can have a party.
A mortal Halloween, how quaint.
I need you guys to tell me no.
Don't you want to spend a quiet Halloween at home? This is more important.
Your first party.
Why don't you have kids over more often? Because, like most teenagers, I'm self-conscious about the fact that we're witches.
Yes, but we're people too.
Now, don't worry, we'll make sure no witchy stuff happens during the party.
Come on, think about it.
All your friends having fun, dancing.
Actually, I think it would be fun to have some people over.
You know, be normal for once.
And if all goes well, you might just go from normal to toast of the town.
And if anything goes wrong, we could always move to another town, right? - Sometimes it's so hard to be young.
- I know.
But I think I handle it pretty well.
- Salem, those are for the guests.
- Mm.
I'm just making sure all is right.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Cheetos should be served at room temperature, you know.
HILDA: Sabrina, phone call.
- It's a boy.
- Can I lick the bowl? Yes.
Of course, you'll be horribly burned.
Hello, party central.
Hey, Sabrina, it's me.
I've got some bad news.
- I can't come to your party.
- What? My mom and dad said I have to take my brother - and his friends trick-or-treating.
- You're kidding.
- Did they just spring this on you? - Yeah, they just reminded me that they told me about it two weeks ago.
So they're totally to blame.
I got a bad feeling about all this free candy.
My little brother gets hyped up just eating an apple.
Oh.
I'll see you later, I hope.
Great.
Harvey can't come to my party.
He's the only guy I had confirmed.
FEMALE VOICE: Here we go again.
- Sabrina, did you turn on the TV? No.
That's weird.
[VOICES CHATTERING.]
What are you putting in the candy corn? MSG.
What could it hurt? [SABRINA SCREAMS.]
- What's the matter? - Our furniture.
It's talking.
Could you people bug off? Marvin, could you possibly be nice - to the new owners for a change? - Aw Couches are from Mars, chairs are from Venus.
All this from a 26-year-old who still lives with his parents.
I've been looking for a place.
Think it's easy? [WHISTLES.]
Thank you.
What the heck is going on here? Apparently we accidentally bought talking furniture.
Do you want to say "duh," or should I? Talking furniture? What, were they people that were turned into furniture? Of course not.
Where would you get an idea like that? It's just furniture that talks.
That's right.
We're sideshow acts.
We have personalities and feelings, you know.
- Yeah.
- And we're great for single people.
And I can't wait to get to know each and every one of you.
- Zap them back.
- Why? They could be fun.
- Aunt Zelda, my party.
- Okay.
- That's odd.
- What's the matter? I know.
We put them on our credit card, and until they're paid off, we can't zap them away.
Well, I have a suggestion: Do something.
Please? We'll just go back to the store and tell them they made a mistake.
Come on.
Okay, well, don't be too long, because I don't like being left alone with furniture I hardly know.
Here, you just relax, dear.
Phew.
Hmm! Creepy.
Oh, I forgot everything is closed in the Other Realm on Halloween.
Except Denny's.
Let's have some pie.
No.
We'd better get back home.
Sabrina may need our help.
But pie Are you gonna put that there? Yes.
Do you have a problem with that? No, no, don't let a sense of style ruin your design.
How would you like to spend the rest of your life in a garage sale? Ha-ha-ha-achoo-hoo! A couch who's allergic to cats? Finally, someone whose life is more pathetic than mine.
Oh, thank goodness.
Well, guys, it was nice knowing you.
Be sure to write.
I'm sorry, but everything is closed in the Other Realm.
- We can't zap them away just yet.
- Ugh.
But they can't stay here, I have mortals coming over.
Well, we'll just take the furniture - down to the basement.
- And burn it? [FURNITURE CHATTERING.]
Calm down, calm down.
We'll just leave you there for the duration of the party.
No one will know that they're there.
We once kept a Viking down there for centuries.
Oh, we did let him go, didn't we? Oh, yeah.
Remember when we-- I'm sure it's a cute story.
Why don't you tell it after we move the furniture.
[CHUCKLING.]
Stop it.
Stop it.
I'm ticklish.
Maybe you should start with the striped chair.
He has no sense of humour.
I don't think that's funny.
Hey, be gentle.
Watch out for my arms.
Hey.
[SMALLER CHAIR SCREAMS.]
SMALLER CHAIR: Get me out of here.
Get them off me.
All right.
- All right, calm down.
- Ouch, ouch, ouch.
- What is it? - What's the matter? - Ouch, ouch, ouch.
- We've got termites.
So spray something.
That won't do any good, these are Other Realm termites.
Talking furniture attracts them.
- Look.
- Help me.
- Are you gonna finish that knothole? - Bah! [BOTH MUNCHING NOISILY.]
Get them off me.
This is bad.
This is really bad.
The furniture talks, the termites talk, I haven't finished decorating [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[CRYING.]
And now the party's starting.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Just get the door.
- We'll think of something.
- Alert the authorities, I beg you.
Oh, pipe down.
[SMALLER CHAIR WHIMPERING.]
Quack, quack, quack - Hi, it's me, Valerie.
Heh.
- Great costume.
I thought I'd get here early and help.
That way I would intentionally be the first one here instead of accidentally being the first one here.
I'm the first one here, aren't I? - Yup.
SMALLER CHAIR: I don't wanna die.
- Who's that? - My aunt.
She's having a midlife crisis.
My dad had one of those, he bought a red car.
So, what can I do? Um Go in the kitchen and fill some bowls with pretzels.
Okay, sure.
Sabrina, thanks for going through with this.
You're a good friend.
Thanks, Valerie, and don't worry, it's gonna be a great party.
And normal, very normal.
HILDA: I swear, I will knock the stuffing out of you.
We're starting her on hormones next week.
How about those pretzels? [KIDS YELLING.]
Now, don't forget to say "thank you.
" [DOORBELL RINGS.]
What have we here? [KIDS CLAMOURING.]
Trick-or-treat for UNICEF? [GRUNTS.]
Thank you.
Excuse me, but I am not going back to the basement.
Take it easy, Chair.
Okay, for now, the termites are confined to the basement.
Can't we call a magic exterminator? No, it's a holiday, and they're very devout.
Got it.
For the time being, we could feed the termites our old, used furniture.
BOTH: Yeah! - We'll start with the old lawn chairs, the coat tree and Salem's scratching post.
- Hey.
- It's a birthday present and you never use it.
You never use the Waterpik I gave you.
Let's not get ugly.
It's for the sake of Sabrina's party.
Or the tea cosy Okay, look, guys, this is my first party, and I really need it to go well.
My aunts will keep the termites at bay.
If you behave yourselves and not say a word, I promise I'll I'm talking to furniture.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Okay, listen up, you upholstered losers.
If you misbehave for just one instant, I'll cut you, man.
[ALL WHIMPERING.]
Hey, guys, happy Halloween.
Thanks for coming.
ZELDA: Coming through.
Just working on my triceps.
Okay.
Well, help yourselves.
There's chips, soda, cookies, raw vegetables-- How'd those get there? VALERIE: Sabrina, I love your bubbling cauldron-- - Aw, shoot! - Valerie, wait.
Uh-- Okay, I'll be back in a minute.
Everyone have a good time and talk amongst yourselves.
I mean, the people talk.
Nothing else should talk.
And why would it? Gotta go.
What's the matter? What's the matter? I'm a duck.
No one else here is a duck.
Dave's got a little alligator on his shirt.
It's not the same.
I always do stupid stuff like this.
Why'd you have to have this party in the first place? Couldn't help myself.
From now on, I'm gonna be a total recluse.
I'll create this mystique around myself that people will find really fascinating, but they'll never see me in public.
Or you could just take the costume off.
I can't.
My mom sewed me in.
Sabrina, more guests have arrived.
Are any of them wearing Halloween costumes? I'm sorry, honey.
One boy's wearing a cap.
Why didn't I take my little brother's teasing seriously? [ALL YELLING.]
Hey! Stop egging that house! [ALL YELLING.]
Come back here, I mean it! You know, they try juveniles as adults in this state now! [KIDS YELLING.]
Everyone having a good time? [JIM NABORS SINGING OVER STEREO.]
- What is that music? - I don't know.
It was on the stereo.
- It sounds like Jim Nabors.
- No.
And certainly not him in person.
[MAGIC DINGS, MUSIC CHANGES.]
I know what this party needs: candy corn.
Heh.
Aunt Hilda, it was a very nice gesture, but in case you didn't notice, we're not 5 years old.
Yes, I'm very aware of that, but if I were you, I would really play up the candy-corn angle.
- Why? - Follow me.
Is that the antique rocker my mother gave me? - Yes.
I'm going to feed the termites.
- Do it.
What happened? Well, we tried to double the recipe, and we accidentally squared it.
- Well, zap it away.
- I tried that, but it didn't work.
Does the recipe book have any answers? Oh, there's a chapter called "What to Do If You Make Too Much Candy Corn.
" What does it say? "You can never make too much candy corn.
" No! Don't come in here! No, no, no, Zelda's naked! It's that midlife thing again.
I'm so glad you decided to come downstairs.
No, I'm just here to announce that I am now officially insane.
I could have sworn I heard a doorbell coming from inside your linen closet.
Oh, well, that's where I keep my wind chimes.
And it does get a little draughty in there.
Heh-heh-heh.
Excuse me.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ah.
MONSTERS [SINGING.]
: Ya-la-la-la-la Oh, Halloween carollers.
Listen, we're kind of in the middle of something, so could you just make it a quick Halloween carol? Great.
ALL: On the 12,000th day of Halloween My true love gave to me - 12,000 eyeballs - 1 1,999 ear of newt But I just came to tell you about the doorbell and now I'm leaving.
- No, you have to stay at the party.
- No, I can't, I can't.
You have to help me out here.
- But they'll laugh at me.
- Well, at least they'll be entertained.
- All right, I guess I owe you.
- Thanks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
MAN: Trick-or-treat.
Huh? I said, trick-or-treat.
Quizmaster, not now, not tonight.
Well, when you least expect it, the perfect time for a quiz.
Would it help if I said I was having a party? Oh, yes.
This is a party? Man, I've been to Amish quilting bees that were more happening than this.
And when are you appearing at the Laugh Factory? Candy corn? What am I, 5? - Just give me that quiz, now.
- Okay.
Pop-quiz challenge number one: - make me a pumpkin.
- Whatever you say.
This is not what I meant.
- You want me to hollow you out now? - No.
Turn me back, woman.
Not funny.
Come on, you have to admit that was pretty impressive.
What if some kid had come around with a baseball bat? - Can I go back to the party now? - No.
I have one more question.
What? Can I use your bathroom? - Down the hall, on your left.
- Thank you.
Oh, now what? Halloween carollers from the Other Realm.
They promised me they'd be quiet if I gave them some candy corn.
Valerie, how's the party going? People are reading, you'd better do something quick.
I'll be right there.
ZELDA: Heads up, lady with a plank.
- Ooh! Mmp! That's it.
I've tried to be a normal teenager and have a normal social life, but it's no use.
I might as well face it, this party's over.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey, is the party still going on? - Oh-- Absolutely.
Come on in.
Thanks.
[QUIETLY.]
We'll give it a few minutes.
Wow, a cool guy came to your party.
I'm a duck.
So, Sabrina, this is your party, huh? [GIGGLING.]
Yeah.
We have to get people to dance.
- Okay, let's make room.
- Okay.
[COUCH GIGGLES.]
Know what? Why don't we just dance around the furniture? It's all the rage in New York.
[DOOR BREAKS, SABRINA GASPS.]
Oh, no.
[MUNCHING NOISILY.]
Oak veneer.
I knew it wasn't the real stuff.
So how about some tunes? Well, the stereo's kind of on the blink right now, but I think I have a transistor radio somewhere in the house.
Well, you know, Libby's got a DJ at her party.
Maybe we should all go there.
GUYS: Yeah.
- No, come on, guys, stay.
We don't need music to dance.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oop.
Valerie? Valerie, are you all right? Quack once for yes, twice for no.
VALERIE: I'm okay.
The tail-feathers broke my fall.
Weird.
These look like bite marks.
What could have caused them? COUCH: Termites.
[GUESTS SCREAMING, CHATTERING.]
Listen, everyone, I can explain.
[MONSTERS SINGING.]
And they would be? [RUMBLING.]
[GUESTS SCREAMING.]
COUCH: Oh.
And that is? Cool.
Sabrina, how did you rig all this Halloween stuff up? It's awesome.
Oh, a little imagination and some yarn.
It's really inventive.
I mean, everyone's done spaghetti brains, but a river of candy corn? Salem, nobody knows that this stuff is real.
Excellent.
Attention, kids.
I urge you to accept me as your ruler.
Wow, the cat talks.
Say, [SLOWLY.]
"Asher.
Asher.
" [MIMICS ASHER.]
Loser.
Loser.
Cool party, Sabrina.
VALERIE: Could someone help the duck? I'm so glad some other people decided to wear costumes.
Ha-ha.
COUCH: Hey, thanks for eating those termites, pal.
No problem.
Taste like frog legs.
Thanks.
I think I'm suffering from post-traumatic trick-or-treat syndrome.
That's too bad because I've had a very restful evening.
SALEM: This next song is ladies' choice.
I know what will make this night really perfect.
[BAND STARTS PLAYING.]
[GUESTS CHEERING.]
Wow.
It's the 10,000 Maniacs.
[SINGING.]
On bended knee I've looked through Every window then Touched the bottom The night a sleepless day instead A day when love came Came easy like What's lost now found Beneath a blinding Okay, so I forgot how good this stuff is.
What are you still doing here? Is there another quiz? No.
In fact, I have a confession to make.
I didn't come here to quiz you tonight.
I came because I had to work, and, well, all my family's way on the other side of the Realm.
And, well, I kind of get lonely during the holidays.
That's sweet.
So, what you're saying is, you gave me a quiz when I was having a nervous breakdown for no reason? Basically.
Mind if I dance with the duck? I crashed through mirrors I crashed through floors Of laughter then Libby, you're at my party? Please.
I only came by to see the largest gathering of weirdoes ever.
Is that 10,000 Maniacs? Yeah.
Why don't you call them weirdoes to their faces? Heh.
I heard her party's been over for hours.
A bunch of kids egged her house.
And you would save me I throw a great party.
And I held you Like you were my child We were, we were We were, we were without In doubt We were, we were We were, we were without Saving for a rainy day Rainy day