Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e10 Episode Script

Okay, that hurt.
Sabrina, you're gonna be late for school.
Oh! Hey.
A promotional cap is not a toy.
Sorry.
It's my stupid hair.
I know what I need: professional help.
You really don't have time-- José Eber! Way to conjure.
Okay, be honest with me.
- Am I too light? - Hey! He's here for me.
Excuse me, you just slept funny.
My problems are centuries old.
Yeah, but I have a social life.
I don't know where I am or what's going on, but my fee is $1,000 an hour.
Shake your head, darling.
Can you see my roots? And I thought I looked pert before.
Nothing like a run in the morning to make you feel alive.
I thought running involved speed.
Why is the cat dressed like a jockey? Coach.
I'm her coach.
I'm training for a decathlon, and, no, you're not.
Did you know that the world's fastest animal is the cheetah? Let me share my feline expertise.
You only wanna be my trainer because the Other Realm gives generous stipends to coaches.
And the fame.
Let's not forget the fame.
[ZELDA HUMMING.]
Either you've had a religious experience, or-- You saw Susie.
I just attended a lecture of hers in the Other Realm.
So uplifting.
That woman is so inspirational.
Because of her, I stopped killing for sport.
Well, she sounds like a saint.
Who is she? Your no-good Uncle Clyde's illegitimate daughter.
And she's coming to visit you this Friday to tell you about the family secret.
- Great.
- What's the matter? All this talk about Susie has me depressed.
Susie can make anyone feel inadequate.
Not that.
No one mentioned my cute hair.
Hey, Harvey.
Whoa! You're-- That-- Picked it out myself.
Have you lost your sight? No.
Since my mom's been pregnant, she's been too busy to shop for me, so I got to buy my whole winter wardrobe alone.
You mean there's more? Cool.
Oh, what's that? Oh, the chamber of commerce is publishing a brochure to attract tourists.
They're looking to hire an attractive, fun young couple for the cover.
- The mister and I are going to try out.
- Really? I tell you, Salinas, you'd swear he was John Travolta.
If he were taller and had hair.
Okay, maybe he should also lose the pockmarks.
We should try out.
We're attractive and fun and boil-free.
Please.
We are the best-looking couple.
- I thought you were dating Dan.
- Dan's a blond.
We'd clash.
You know, she's so obsessed with her looks.
Let's prove to her we're cuter.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
You're doing that all wrong.
You're right.
I should be hitting a sack full of cat.
You can't be my coach.
- Are you ready? - For what? We're going to meet with Susie.
We're gonna shore up the eroding hillsides of Venus with kudzu, remember? Right.
Darn it, I can't.
- My trainer's making me do sprints.
- Really? Well, I'm glad to see the two of you have come to an agreement.
Susie's helping me realise how important it is to have harmony in the family.
You break another promise, I'll kill you.
Thank you, Hilda.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You'll never regret this decision.
You're welcome.
Now run till you bleed! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, you ready to go to the modelling audition? Another of your winter outfits? So trying hard didn't make a difference? You know, funny thing, I went shopping at a swap meet and I picked up a bag of cool guy clothes.
Um, why don't you go try them on.
It's like taking a trip to the mall without leaving the house.
Okay, but it's gonna make me want one of those huge cinnamon things.
Fashionable yet affordable.
Wow.
I've never seen a more brochure-looking outfit.
Not only that, the pants don't itch.
Surprise.
Ooh.
Nice Zamboni.
Say hello to the Domin-A-Tron.
Straight from the Other Realm.
It's all ours, pending 48 more payments.
Don't tell me.
When I'm not using it, it'll fit under my bed.
Just press the start button.
Somebody's been reading the instructions.
DOMIN-A-TRON: Level-one workout activated.
Oh, no.
You got a talking one.
If you need me, I'll be right over here, carbo-loading.
"Famine, pestilence, war.
" War.
I like it.
When did you become a Republican? Susie's been encouraging me to invent something that will truly benefit mankind.
And what are you doing after lunch? I can't decide whether to wipe out disease or hunger, or maybe take a bite out of crime.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
This is she.
That's great.
Thank you! Harvey and I just won the cutest-couple contest for the Westbridge brochure.
That's nice, sweetie.
You must be so excited.
It's no big deal.
I'm just doing my part to help the community.
Oh, speaking of helping, Susie will be here soon.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
I'm the best.
Oh, yes, Kate Moss, eat your heart out.
Oh, that's right, you don't eat.
I can't make it.
Salem, a few words of encouragement, please? [SNORING.]
Didn't work.
I'm stopping.
Do not quit.
You can do it.
Maybe I can.
Workout complete.
You're a winner.
You're a winner.
Huh? Was someone complimenting me? I've gotta get going.
Cousin Susie will be here any minute.
See you later, big guy.
Excellent workout.
You are a lovely lady.
I like this machine.
It's so honest.
Yes! I'll get all the glory with none of the work.
Heh-heh-heh.
By the way, cat, I am going to be the new coach.
The fame will be mine, and I will crush anyone that gets in my way.
It's alive! The Domin-A-Tron is alive, and it doesn't like me.
Oh, you are just jealous because I like it better than you.
It's a machine.
It's not alive.
Well, I guess it's possible that I'm wrong, if you pushed a "threaten the cat" button.
I wonder what's taking cousin Susie so long? She probably stopped to heal the sick.
So she'll wanna wash her hands when she gets here.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
- Cousin Susie.
SUSIE: Hello, all.
SALEM: What'd you bring me? - Cousin Susie, I've heard so much-- Whoa! Sit by me, dear.
I want to apologise for being so late.
I stopped to deliver a cauldron of chicken soup to my neighbour.
The old lady that lives in the shoe.
Yes.
She's very lonely now that all her children have grown.
- They don't visit.
- Where are they supposed to stay? She turned the toe into a sewing room.
Well, I try not to judge.
Oh, cousin Susie, you are goodness personified.
- Oh, please.
ZELDA: Can't you see it? Sure.
Let's talk about the family secret.
Oh, I really don't have time right now.
Um, I've gotta write a term paper on the history of term papers.
- I think it's for extra credit.
- Oh.
Harvey, I'm sure whatever you wear will be just fine.
No, not plaid.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Gotta go.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Oh, well, actually I was just about to take a shower.
Well, we didn't get a chance to talk earlier, and I noticed you were a little uncomfortable.
Oh! I've gotta remember fabric softener when I wash my underwear.
Sabrina, do you have a problem with the way I look? No, you're a very nice wart-- Woman! Beauty is very important to you, isn't it? No.
I'm just not looking at you because I'm being coy.
But looks are fleeting.
Someday you'll learn that.
Maybe sooner than you think.
What do you mean by that? Older witches are supposed to teach things to younger witches.
- How to crochet? - Don't worry.
You'll see.
SALEM: Time for my pre-breakfast meal.
I am your leader.
All appliances will obey my every command.
Now I know why he was on sale.
Help! Sabrina, it's horrible.
Just horrible.
Oh, no.
Is it my face? Oh, good.
Cousin Susie didn't do anything to me.
But-- But the appliances are taking over the house.
No one is safe.
No one! Salem, no more sardines and Mystery Science Theater before bedtime for you.
[SOBBING.]
- Whoa! - It was really great how I fooled you into thinking I wanted to win that brochure contest.
Yeah.
Who'd wanna be on a cover where thousands of people will see and admire you? Get away from me, Sasquatch.
I guess cousin Susie was just trying to scare me.
HARVEY: Hi, Sabrina.
- Oh, hey, Harvey.
Whoa.
SABRINA: Harvey, your face! Yeah, I know.
My dad's sending me to an endocrinologist.
Well, on the bright side, your clothes look good.
Cousin Susie, who's so cutesy Please come and help Harvey Out of this hair doozy Okay, I got your point.
I put too much emphasis on appearances, and now my boyfriend's ugly.
I learned an important lesson.
Now, please make Harvey cute again.
Only you can fix him, Sabrina.
Not with all the Nair in New England.
When you've truly learned your lesson, he'll change back.
Cookie? But just one.
Maybe I've had enough.
According to this heart monitor, I'm dead.
Remember the decathlon.
You can take home the gold.
I don't know why Salem despises this machine.
I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to the Sunbeam Corporation.
ZELDA: Salem! I have just had a major breakthrough.
Using deionisation and a smidge of hantavirus, I have discovered a process for converting an everyday substance into an edible protein.
Oh, cousin Susie is gonna be so proud of me.
[SALEM GASPS.]
Okay, I'm not imagining this.
So, uh, what did the nurse say? Well, after she stopped screaming, she told me I should see an orthopaedic doctor for the hump and a dentist for my teeth.
Then she gave me this book on hygiene and asked me to leave.
Same thing she did when I got acid in my eye.
Cousin Susie's done a horrible, hideous, gross thing to Harvey.
Don't speak that way about cousin Susie.
She's the best person in the whole world.
Right now she's feeding homeless witches.
But Harvey's growing hair and turning into a beast.
He's a 17-year-old boy.
- Sounds like he's right on track.
- But he's growing a giant wart-- I don't have time to talk about this right now.
I am almost finished with this portable machine that will turn dirt into food.
It's going to ease the suffering of millions.
Fine.
Easy to see where your priorities lie.
Someone should cross-reference this thing.
[SALEM WHIMPERING.]
- What are you doing? - Hiding.
You didn't happen to see a rogue iron out there, did you? Poor Harvey.
He's been pregnant, turned into a bowling pin, a frog Hey, wait.
When he was a frog, I kissed him and that broke the spell.
If I kiss him, that'll prove to cousin Susie that I don't have a problem with the way he looks.
Gotta go.
Don't tell the food processor you saw me.
I've gotta rest.
Stop.
You can do it.
No, really.
I'm in pain, and Judge Judy is on.
Become a winner.
There must be a glitch.
Ow! I'll tell you when you can take a break, sister.
Now, work.
I must have set this thing on tough love.
Nope.
Still tastes like dirt.
You exercise like a girl.
I am a girl! And now, thanks to you, I'm in pretty good shape.
Ow! You know, for a cold metal machine, you're pretty heartless.
I'm finding Salem.
I can't let go! I control everything in the house.
You can let go after you've given me 50 reps.
Seven.
Eight [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Harvey? - Yeah, it's me.
- Whoa.
- I know.
My mom just made an appointment with the veterinarian.
Oh, well, if they say anything about emptying a faecal gland, run.
I can't really stay.
I just came by for a kiss.
Really? Okay.
Nothing! [SINGING.]
Kumbaya, my Lord Okay, what gives? I mean, I've proven that looks don't matter to me.
I kissed that beast.
Well, Sabrina, some lessons aren't that easy to learn.
Believe me, that wasn't easy.
I still got the whisker burns.
Please, I need a hint.
Sorry.
Fine.
If you take pity on me, I'll be at the Slicery, trying to wash down a hairball.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- What are you doing? - Apparently, working my biceps.
Have fun.
[MOUTHS.]
Help me out! Hey, Sabrina.
What are you doing here? I was running through the woods and I got hungry.
Thanks for sitting with me.
I know it's hard with all these people staring.
Yeah.
They are staring.
But I'm sitting here with you.
Obviously, I don't care what you look like, because here I am with you, looking like you do.
Lesson learned.
Who are you talking to? Obviously, no one.
Oh, shoot, I got pizza in my fur.
I'd better get it out before it knots.
I wonder if there's a watering hole nearby.
Did I just say "watering hole"? Hi.
Can I get you something? Yeah, can I get, uh--? Uh - A soda? - Yeah.
And a soda.
- I'm Jake.
- Sabrina.
So I saw you were with that guy who's outside going through the Dumpster.
Someone said he's your boyfriend.
Actually, we're just friends.
[HARVEY HOWLS.]
Actually, he's a friend of a friend.
Stop! Let me stop! Wuss.
Weakling.
Mama's girl.
Salem, do something! Unplug him! SALEM: I can't.
I'm scared.
Just remember this: this machine does not know where we hide the treats.
Domin-A-Tron, you've met your match.
[DOMIN-A-TRON YELLS.]
SALEM: I'll just go get him.
Finally, the machine that will save the world is built.
Maybe that's what I'll call it.
Must chew through wires.
Must save Hilda.
Mmm, not bad.
[DOMIN-A-TRON GRUNTS.]
Oh, yes! Oh, no! It was okay for me to flirt with Jake.
Don't look at me that way.
It was the normal teenage thing to do.
And it has nothing to do with the fact that Jake's so cute and Harvey's so repulsive.
For your information, mister, I would like Jake even if he did look like Harvey used to look.
You know, leave me alone, I gotta get some homework done.
Oh, what's with the electricity in this house? It's a long story.
Got any lip balm? Legs won't stop cramping.
I'm never gonna compete in the decathlon.
I guess it's safe now to tell you, I was gonna bet against you.
Aw, sorry about your machine, Zellie.
Oh, that's okay.
Susie pointed out to me that hungry Third World families often don't have a lot of electricity.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Harvey.
[HISSES.]
[MEOWS.]
I just stopped by to thank you.
You've been really supportive of me during my transformation to hideous man-beast.
Oh, and I wanted to give you this.
Oh, it's a rock shaped like a heart.
That's so sweet.
I carved it myself with my bare hands.
I love it.
Well Do you wanna come in and hang out? [HARVEY GROWLING.]
[HOWLS.]
[GROWLS.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I can't remember when I've had such a good time.
Yeah, I know.
Maybe I shouldn't have bitten Mrs.
Popowski.
Oh, you didn't break the skin.
But what was everyone staring at? I mean, do I have something in my teeth you didn't tell me about? I think they were staring at me.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Well, I'm gonna go wash my paws.
That's the problem when your knuckles drag.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, Sabrina.
I hope this isn't too forward, but I was in the neighbourhood-- Jake, remember the other day when you asked if the guy in the Dumpster was my boyfriend? - Yes.
- Well, I really should have said yes.
He is my boyfriend.
He's the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.
You've finally learned your lesson.
That's great! What was it? Well, when you stopped caring about looks, you enjoyed Harvey for the person he is.
You learned that true beauty is on the inside.
Wow, I really did learn something.
Cool.
Although, no one should turn down orthodontia.
Wow.
What kind of soap do you use? ALL [SINGING.]
: Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya You know, I'm used to her looks and I'm even starting to like the song.
That makes you and Susie.
This has been a wonderful visit.
But before I leave, I have something for you, Sabrina.
A whip? Well, it's a little late.
Harvey's not a beast anymore.
This is a clue to the family secret.
Oh, this clears it up.
And here's another clue: We all have good and bad parts.
These clues are kind of confusing.
I'm getting depressed again.
Wait a minute.
ALL [SINGING.]
: Kumbaya, my Lord Better.
Just the cat.
Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya So the doctor said it was just hormones.
But now that I'm back to normal, my dad's refusing to give the money back to Hard Copy.
I'm sorry we had to miss the photo shoot.
That's all right.
I'm okay with the couple who won.
It meant a lot to them.
As the official representative of the town of Westbridge, I just want to say thank you.
And restrooms are for patrons only.
Daddy, we have to move.