Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e04 Episode Script

[MONKEY GIBBERING.]
The gall of that creep.
He's selling watches right outside my clock shop.
It would be one thing if he sold those fried cinnamon sticks, but he's in direct competition with you.
You have to admit, it's kind of funny.
In a morally bankrupt sort of way.
I'm gonna go out there and show him that the little hand is on the 2, and the big hand is on his face.
Hilda, come on, now.
Calm down.
I'm sure if we call the authorities, they'll ask him to move along.
And he's got one of those little monkeys.
What a pathetic way to attract attention.
Hey, maybe you wouldn't have such a hard time selling clocks if you had some of that monkey's charm.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Or maybe if you did.
- Like I'd ever do that.
Like they even make little bellhop suits for cats.
Oh, that's right, you're a witch.
[CRYING.]
I'll be back with your towels and ice.
ZELDA: Hilda, I gotta tell you, I think we should wait for the city to take action against that watch hustler.
No, they'll take forever to crack down.
I'm telling you, this is a better plan.
I'm gonna beat that little dancing monkey at his own game.
Play it, Sam.
The humiliation is only eclipsed by the chafing.
[PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE.]
You'll do anything to avoid the draft, won't you? [TOASTER DINGS.]
Hey, this is great.
Is someone offering us a big-screen TV just to look at Other Realm condos? Almost as good.
Grandma wants to visit.
Can we be home this time? Oh, please, no.
Not Mother and her little bag of sleights.
She can help me with my sociology homework.
I have to trace the family tree.
I don't know where to put my uncles with the goat-boy genes.
Sabrina, dear, for us, time spent with Mother is bittersweet.
More like bitter-bitterer.
But I haven't seen my grandma in ages.
Can't you give her a chance for me? Well, Mother does know about the family tree.
I guess I don't need maternal nurturing.
I have a nearly successful clock shop.
So we'll do it for Sabrina.
Whoo-hoo.
I see some hard candy in my future.
And I promise, this will be her best visit ever.
We're doing the right thing.
And I can keep it together until Mother leaves.
[RESUMES PLAYING.]
- Stop that! - Gah! I still don't see how doing a genealogy study is gonna get me into the college of my choice.
Oh, maybe you'll find a long-lost relative who donated Harvard's sitcom wing.
The real problem is, I don't have time to work on it.
My parents are making me babysit three afternoons a week.
They're not even going out.
Think that's fair? Only if they compensate you by extending the curfew of your choice.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Where would I be without your cool, rational thinking? Home by 10.
SABRINA: I love all this old family stuff.
Hey, Grandma, did you find those pictures down there? Got them.
Give me a hand, would you, dear? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, and I found Hilda's baby violin.
- Did I ever tell you she was a prodigy? - Oh, only every time you mention her.
But these dresses are the real prize.
Zelda and Hilda got so much attention when they wore them.
Two of those walking down the road towards me would certainly turn my head.
It's great that you brought Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda's stuff.
Oh, they're my daughters.
I adore them.
Especially in those dresses.
Oh, they were so cute, you just wanted to squish them.
- Hi.
HILDA: We're home.
We were just talking about you.
Zelda.
Oh.
Hilda.
Oh.
I just love your hair.
Big hugs and a compliment, not too shabby.
It's so much nicer than the way you used to wear it.
Oh.
You mean the way I wore it for a whole century? Hmm.
Seemed longer.
Oh, and, Zelda, congratulations on your latest Ph.
D.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
It took a lot of hard work.
Yes, a Ph.
D.
- Still no M-R-S? - No, Mom.
No husband.
Just a chance to use my silly knowledge to change the world.
We've had a lot of fun looking through this old trunk.
We found Aunt Hilda's baby violin.
Oh, yes, all those violin lessons.
Now, that was money well-spent.
But the cotillion, well, that was a dead end, huh? Okay, enough about that.
We found this picture of you when you were little girls on some farm.
Now, that, my friends, is what I call a happy memory.
HILDA: That was a nice time.
ZELDA: Yes, it was.
I wasn't married then either.
Oh, Hilda, look how pretty you are when you smile.
Ever thought of doing that again? Oh! Well, this has been just great.
But I am late for that thing.
Oh, that thing.
Me too.
Catch you in a hundred years, Mom.
I sense some tension.
Tell me the truth, they're not getting along, are they? They just need to remember some happy memories.
Hard candy? Grandma.
Oh, thank goodness we have your shop to escape to.
I know.
I hope Mother never finds out I gave up the violin to buy it.
You'll never hear the end of it.
The violin is the only thing I ever heard her praise you for.
If by "praise" you mean statements like, "That's enough.
Go play with your friends.
Oh, it's bedtime.
" This belonged to that cad, the Earl of Sandwich.
Oh, he had the biggest crush on my Zelda.
But she refused to be another notch on his epaulette.
My girls always followed their hearts.
That's wonderful.
Why don't you tell them that? How about now? We'll go see them at the clock shop, and you-- Wait, wait.
- Did you say "clock shop"? - Yeah.
Aunt Hilda bought her own clock shop.
Now she owns her own business.
So she gave up the violin? Actually, she blew it up.
Talk about following your heart, huh? Excuse me.
[EXPLOSION.]
Grandma? Oh, this can't be good.
Hello.
Would you like to buy a clock? Oh, no, thanks.
I just bought a Rolex from the monkey.
- Do you have a restroom? - Out.
Out.
You primate frequenter.
Shoo! [BELL JINGLES.]
- Hilda, we are also primates.
- Where is Salem? He's supposed to be attracting business by looking cute in the window.
I'll check the back.
[SALEM SNEEZES.]
Aha.
Salem, what are you doing down there? The capuchin just made another sale.
I don't want people to see me this way.
And I think that monkey's riddled with Ebola.
Grandma? Grandma? [COUGHS.]
Did you go in the kitchen and make a sandwich? Did you finish your sandwich, and now you need a nap? Look what Sabrina zapped to us.
We did have one great summer on that farm.
Yeah.
I don't remember fighting with Mother at all.
Either that, or I'm repressing a horrible memory.
I just think it's a shame that you aren't witches with a magic clock that would allow you to bring someone back from the past, from, say, a farm, who would help you remember.
Good idea.
I could have done without the sarcasm, but good idea.
Let's find someone to help us understand Mother.
Let's not get snagged in the fact that, once again, the children are asked to heal the parent.
Grandma? Remember we were gonna tell your daughters how much you love them? Grandma? Okay.
I've lost Grandma.
You must be careful not to bring Mother back from the past.
The one in the present is all I can handle.
[CHANTING.]
Mom's here, and it's a bummer Bring us a friend From that happy farm summer [CLOCK CHIMES.]
Pinky, the pet pig.
Oh.
I don't think we're gonna get any answers, unless he's been hanging around with Arnold Ziffel.
[WHIMPERING.]
Okay, okay.
Not bad.
Hey, a monkey.
Hang in there, baby.
Oh-ho-ho.
Oh, no.
Oh.
[PLATES SHATTERING.]
Salem, I hate to tell you this, but Ed Sullivan's been off the air for years.
- Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda? HILDA: Back here.
Joe Franklin's still interested.
Nice pig.
Yes, but he refuses to get back inside the magic clock.
Oh, well, maybe the clock's kosher.
By any chance, have you seen Grandma? No.
She doesn't know about this place.
She does now.
I told her Aunt Hilda gave up her violin for the clock shop.
- How could you? - I don't know.
It never occurred to me that what you do for a living might be a secret.
- Anyway, I can't find her.
LYDIA: Hilda Spellman? I found her.
She said wonderful things about you, and I think she'd like to share them.
But first, we have to get through this crisis.
Okay.
Say, "I should've told you about the shop.
I couldn't be sorrier.
" - Got it? - Got it.
Okay.
Remember, "Couldn't be sorrier.
" Go.
I went home and got these.
Bills.
Do you know what I've spent on 200 years of violin lessons? About two-thirds of what I've spent on 300 years of therapy, you controlling, control-freak controller.
Did you hear "sorry"? Well, that's interesting information.
People, people, what we have here is an opportunity for truth and growth.
- I never knew you felt so dominated.
- Veal have more autonomy.
I receive your meaning loud and clear, and I won't be bothering you again.
I'm going home.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Go after her.
Look, she's still outside buying a watch from the monkey.
Sabrina, I think you've gotta face it, we're never going to get along.
This is just the way our family is.
On the bright side, this was one of the nicest visits we've ever had.
I am not giving up.
Maybe if I show Aunt Hilda all the things of hers that Grandma saved, she'll realise she really cares.
Wow.
I never knew this.
How could you be so unforgiving to your mother who loved you enough to adopt you? Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not adopted.
It says right here that-- I was adopted? - I'm adopted? - I thought you knew.
- I'm adopted? - Hey, that made things better.
Well, being adopted certainly explains my feelings of rootlessness and emptiness.
I didn't know you felt rootless and empty.
Well, why would you? You and Mother obviously don't share my genetic tendency towards empathy.
ZELDA: Oh, this is silly.
A piece of paper doesn't change who your family is.
Yeah, what really matters is how you feel.
Okay.
I feel awful.
- I don't know who I am.
- You're my Aunt Hilda.
You're Aunt Zelda's sister.
You're Salem's frequent foil.
Wait a minute, Hilda.
Come here.
Oh, no.
HILDA: I've gone from "Who am I?" to "Where am I?" What happened to her reflection? It's gone.
This is the first symptom of a very serious condition.
Hilda's lost her identity.
And when a witch loses their identity, they eventually disappear.
"Disappear" like the Invisible Man, or "disappear" like we visit once a year and bring flowers? I got a bad feeling it's the latter.
- We gotta do something.
- Right.
Sabrina, you go see what you can find out from the Other Realm adoption records.
I'll track down Mother and get the whole story.
- What about me? - You stay here in your clock shop, where you can cling to your identity as a clock merchant.
An identity shrouded in failure.
Oh, but I do feel bad.
We haven't fed the pig.
I'll take whatever information you can give me.
- Name? - Sabrina Spellman.
Oh, you mean the name of the adopted one.
Hilda Spellman.
- Zelda Spellman? - No, Hilda Spell-- Wait a minute.
What's Aunt Zelda's name doing in there? She was adopted into the Spellman family.
Aunt Zelda and Aunt Hilda were both adopted? Heh.
And yet none of this was the family secret.
SALEM: What'd you find out? If I can find Aunt Zelda's adoption papers, maybe Hilda will listen to her.
Zelda was adopted? - Ah.
Got them.
- Burn them.
Destroy them.
Buy a shredder and put it on my card.
Salem, relax.
This is a good development.
- Zelda's stable.
She's a scientist.
- Okay.
She understands that family is who loves you, - not whose genes you have.
- Okay.
Maybe her attitude will rub off on Hilda.
- Okay.
ZELDA: I'm back.
Anybody home? Get ready for a clinic in things going well.
SALEM: Okay.
Mother is in neither realm.
I looked everywhere.
Even the Red Lobster.
Did you have any luck? Oh, well, I have some pretty good news.
SALEM: Maybe Sabrina's right.
She'll tell Zelda, and Zelda will help Hilda, and everyone will be healed.
I'm off to the clock shop to see if it will help with my feelings of rootlessness and emptiness.
ZELDA: Oh, dear.
SALEM: No reflection? Oh, no, no.
"Zelda's stable.
She's the scientist.
Zelda's stable.
She's the scientist.
" I hope that little routine was worth a lifetime - without tummy rubs.
- Gah? I'm adopted too.
You can never let me have my moment, can you? - This is all my fault, and I have to fix it.
- Yes.
I would suggest you get help from your family, but you've managed to dissolve that.
Aunts are adopted.
Father's probably adopted.
You got a grandmother that Lord knows if you're even related to.
You're right.
- Who am I, anyway? - Don't go there.
But it's so sad.
Little Sabrina has no family.
Where'd all this emotion come from? Oh, no, you're questioning your identity.
And since you're part mortal, instead of disappearing, part of your personality will fade.
- Which part? - Apparently, the rational part.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, no, someone's at the door.
It could be Death, or someone really icky.
We'll never know until someone answers it.
And you're the only one here with hands.
Right.
Okay, you can do it.
You can do it.
I can't do it.
Do it.
Hey.
Could I hit you up for some more of that cool, logical thinking? Harvey, I thought I'd never see you again.
- Are you having eye problems? - I am? Let's start over.
I'm upset about my family tree.
I'm back four generations.
The only thing I've learned about the Kinkle clan is we're all exterminators.
- Dear Lord, no! - Bad exterminators, Sabrina.
My great-great-grandfather killed rats with a stone.
My family stinks.
Oh, but they're your family, and family's what matters.
- Godspeed, Harvey Kinkle.
- Right-o.
Okay.
I have an identity.
I'm Sabrina.
I have two aunts who need me.
These memories might help.
Hey, I'm being pretty rational.
[GASPS.]
A nameless teddy bear I have no connection to? When I get back, I'm naming you.
Dear God, please patch up my family and make them as good-- No, make them better than they were before.
One of the ways you might improve us: wet food for the cat.
If you see fit to answer this prayer, please send me a simple yet unmistakably clear sign.
Let coins rain down on the kitchen table.
Okay.
Plan B.
Okay, it appears said watch salesman is down the block.
Step outside, make a positive ID, and the system will take it from there.
He's the one with the monkey.
How hard can that be? - Are you refusing to identify the man? - I can't even identify myself.
- We could draw you a picture.
- You change your mind, you call me.
Why didn't you identify monkey man? We thought the fact that we are slowly disappearing into nothingness might give the officer pause.
Okay.
This is making me really emotional.
Must stay strong.
I'm Sabrina, the girl with the disappearing aunts.
- What's this? - A reminder of who you are and how much your mother loved you.
Now I have to get back to the Other Realm.
Never surrender.
Maybe this will help.
- Aah! - Oh, not those dresses.
Oh.
Oh, remember how Mother used to insist we wear them? "Oh, you look so cute.
Just like twins.
" Like huge, galumphing, yellow twins.
There's one thing I've always wanted to do.
- Ha-ha.
- Oh, I'll never forget the time you covered for me when my dress was inadvertently smeared with bacon grease and set aflame.
Remember how you took the blame when mine was "accidentally" exposed to gamma rays? Heh-heh.
Those were good times, despite the radiation.
That's because we were always there for each other.
That's right.
- Hey, Hilda, you're not faded anymore.
- Neither are you.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I guess no matter who our parents were, or weren't, we are sisters.
Hmm.
Who just happened to have a crazy mother - who we can be glad didn't spawn us.
- Ha-ha.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hickory, Dickory, Clock.
We've always got time for you.
Get your non-reflecting butts home, stat.
And I would never ask a highly ethical person, like yourself, to bend the rules if it wasn't a matter of life and disappearance.
Actually, we don't seal the adoption records in this realm.
Give me.
What are these vermin-infested animals doing here? And more importantly, why aren't there newspapers down? I borrowed Popo and his little friends as a visual aid.
So listen and learn.
Like you ladies, these animals do not live with their biological parents.
They are all adopted.
But they aren't whining and they aren't fading, because they are loved.
And so are you.
Even if your mother is a crazy shrew.
You're absolutely right, Salem.
Don't call Mother a shrew.
She's a nutcase.
Now would you be so kind as to peer into yonder mirror? Should we tell him we're already back to normal? Why spoil his moment? - Hallelujah, we're healed.
- It's a miracle.
Still waiting on those coins, big guy.
Trouble deciding what to have for lunch? - Hey, you guys are whole again.
- Because we know who we are.
A loving, unrelated-by-blood family.
And we have you to thank for it.
I thought you had me to thank.
Sabrina, when you gave us those dresses, you really helped us reconnect with ourselves.
So did you wanna meet the biological mother I brought back? - Mother? - I suppose I owe you an explanation.
- Sit down, dears.
- This ought to be rich.
Well, your sister Vesta was terribly jealous of all the attention you got when you were little.
So being the scamp that she is, she turned your father and me into pigs.
Go, Vesta.
The Witches' Council decided people with pigs' feet couldn't raise children.
So when Vesta refused to turn them back-- - You adopted us out.
- To a nice family in the country.
- No wonder we loved that farm.
- She wasn't there.
Oh, no, your father and I lived in the barn.
Actually, Dad got very good at working an Instamatic with his snout.
Heh.
That's right.
You found us those truffles.
Then, one month later, we finally got Vesta to turn us back.
Grandma head-butted her.
Well, to get you back legally, we had to adopt you, hence, the papers in the trunk.
So when you had the choice, you still wanted us.
- You like us.
You really like us.
- Oh, of course I do.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, now that that's all settled, can we discuss why neither one of you has called me in the last week? Excuse me, Mother, but the moment hasn't shifted back to you yet.
We almost disappeared.
Come on, guys, think about those fun times on the farm.
- Sabrina-- - With all due respect-- Butt out.
Yep, without a doubt, this has been the best visit ever.
You're sure Pinky's not the pig your father was in the past? No.
Dad had a much curlier tail.
- A much stronger odour.
- Mother, one question.
All that old stuff in that trunk, and yet you threw out my old Vogues.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh.
If you're here to get me to press charges, I've had a change of heart.
That little monkey has to eat too.
Actually, the fellow with the bargain watches filed a complaint.
I'm here to cite you for unregistered livestock.
- It is swine-flu season.
- What? Well, at least we have something to talk about at the next reunion, huh?