Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e06 Episode Script
Episode LXXXI: The Phantom Menace
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
How do you like my new litter box? [LAUGHS.]
Halloween.
Is it just a date on the calendar that people from England don't know about? Or is it a state of mind? Or is it a state of being? I frankly don't know.
But come along on our Halloween journey and maybe by the end, we'll all know.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
Is this lining real satin? Sabrina, could you help me pick up some stuff this afternoon? "Water balloons, toilet paper, dry ice, rotten eggs"? One more thing, could you find out where the biology lab gets those pigs in formaldehyde? Your mom on another one of her crazy diets? Hey, we only have 33 hours and 12 minutes left till Halloween night.
We gotta start planning our pranks and tricks now.
I can't.
Dreama and I are gonna go look for after-school jobs.
We figured the best time to do it would be after school.
But this could be our last hurrah.
My dad says that the Westbridge City Council is gonna make it illegal for kids over the age of 17 to trick-or-treat.
That's just wrong.
I was gonna march against sweatshop labour in the Orient, but now I've got this.
I can't believe how few glamorous, high-paying, after-school jobs there are for inexperienced teenagers.
Life is so unfair.
So have you decided if you're an existentialist, an idealist or a nihilist? Actually, currently, I'm an unemployed-ist.
Thought you were in my philosophy class.
Sorry.
Can you believe it? A real, live college student was talking to you.
College is gonna be so great.
We'll get to take classes like philosophy and hang out in places like this with guys who take philosophy.
- Why don't you get a job here.
- That'd be great.
This place is so cool and none of the furniture matches.
- Do you know how to make coffee? - No.
But if my cat can do it when he's half-asleep, how hard can it be? Oh, excuse me, I'd like to speak to the manager.
- You from the Health Department? - No.
Then I'm the manager.
I'm also the cashier, the table busser and the bouncer.
Matter of fact, do you know what they call me? - What? - Josh.
Oh, well, excuse me, Mr.
Josh.
I'm looking for a job.
You are, huh? You got any experience? Experience? I travel with my own Melitta filters.
So you got no idea how to make coffee? - None.
- Could I get a little service? Oh, I'm sorr-- Oh! Nice save.
If you can pour as well as you catch, you're hired.
Fantastic.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is gonna make it hard to negotiate salary, isn't it? So was the roller coaster scary? Scary? They make you sign an organ-donor form before letting you on.
We rode upside down, holding boiling soups and lawn darts.
And still, not scary.
Here it is, the Halloween season and we can't find one thing to scare us.
Perhaps we should give that dentist who works without Novocaine another try.
In just a few hours, people will be mistaking me for Juan Valdez.
All right, let me know what you think and be brutal.
[COUGHS.]
- Come on, it can't be that bad.
- You try it.
It's fine.
Just a little chewy.
It's been decades since I've enjoyed the sweet taste of terror.
Your wait has come to an end, my fright-craving friend.
Suppose the three of us go to a graveyard, and I'll read some of the ghost stories I've written.
The Tales of Salem.
See, the mere prospect paralyses you with fear.
No, but your sad little suggestion gave me an idea.
You know who writes stories that are truly scary? - Edgar Allan Poe.
- You're right.
Hey, let's make use of our time-travel clock and invite him for a Halloween dinner.
Don't tell me you're scared by Sissy Pants Poe? Are you implying that the author of "The Tell-Tale Heart" isn't scary? His stories are scary because I gave him all his best ideas.
If it weren't for old Salem, you'd be shivering to "The Tell-Tale Kidney.
" Okay, here's the correct way to bus a table.
First, the trash.
Try to avoid screaming, "Yuck," at the top of your lungs.
I once saw my vice principal in his boxer shorts, not a peep.
Next, the mugs.
All right, I like to pretend the half-full ones mean good luck.
And then you reach the mother lode.
A whole quarter tip.
You think you can handle that table? Yeah, just hand me a germ-laden rag and I'm on it.
Oh, by the way, I know it's last-minute, but is there any chance you can work the night shift on Halloween? While everyone else is goofing off, I get to make coffee and wash dirty cups? - And clean the spill tray.
- All this and minimum wage? Where go I get my shots? Great news, Hildie.
Edgar Allan Poe R.
S.
V.
P.
'd.
We're on our way to being truly scared.
- Ooh.
He even wrote it in blood.
- Actually, I think that's red crayon.
Good, there's scary and there's gross.
Hi, Sabrina, how's our favourite coffee maker? The correct term is barista.
I love my job.
College kids are so sophisticated.
They talk about art and literature and foreign films.
By the way, who's Jack Kerouac, what's cubism and can I get a futon? While you're here, give us a hand.
Edgar Allan Poe is coming for dinner.
We want the house to be really scary so he'll be comfortable.
I thought the sound of clanking chains might be nice.
[CHAINS CLANKING.]
I was thinking more along the lines of thunder and lightning.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
- So much for the tool shed.
- Let's get decorating.
It's my turn to hang up the skeleton.
You're dreaming.
You always get to hang up the skeleton.
- Well, then, it's tradition.
Give me.
- Don't make me separate you two.
What is it about this holiday that makes people act immature? - Well, she started it.
- The pranks and hokey horror stuff.
You know, lucky for me, I've got plans for Halloween.
I'm gonna be working at the coffeehouse.
Sabrina, you're a witch.
Witches can't run away from Halloween.
Watch me.
I'm done will all this kid stuff.
[VOICE MOANING.]
Okay, that was ominous.
- Yeah, and it didn't scare me a bit.
- Me either.
You know, I've been thinking of revising my will and leaving you my entire collection of Pez dispensers.
- What do you want? - A ride to the graveyard tonight? - Please? - No can do.
I've gotta work.
[VOICE MOANING.]
Oh, that's right.
You've got that nice boss.
Real generous guy.
- Thinking of others, giving of himself.
- Your point? Think he'd give me a ride to the graveyard? You know, I'm really surprised our special pumpkin-flavoured coffee hasn't been more popular.
Think it has to do with the fact that it's a hideous shade of orange and tastes like pumpkin? BOTH: Trick or treat.
- None of the above.
- Great costumes, huh? You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find ones that fit.
- It's flame-retardant.
- Aren't you old for this? Not until the city council passes that law.
Tonight is gonna be a Halloween for the record books.
We're gonna warm up by egging Coach Cook's house, work in a cow tip or two, and time permitting, wrap things up by streaking across old Lady Blankenship's front yard.
I'm glad to see you've added subtlety to your bag of tricks this year.
Harv, why are we standing here? We should be out there burning poop.
I know how you love Tootsie Pops, so I'll save any I get for you.
Wash your hands first.
Cute kids.
I guess that's what happens when pregnant women smoke.
Well, I've gotta get to the library and finish my essay on Shakespeare's comedies.
I've compared, now I'm ready to contrast.
Wait, you're gonna leave me here to run things by myself? That's why I asked you to work tonight.
I really need someone I can trust.
The last guy I left here rented it out to bikers.
How can you can trust me? I've only worked here one day and I have very shifty eyes.
I'll only be a couple of hours.
I'll be back in time to help you close up.
But what if someone comes in and wants to order something? You give it to them? I promise you Halloween night here is so easy.
The place is a morgue.
[VOICE MOANING.]
Josh was right.
I can handle this.
And he's depending on me.
[VOICE MOANING.]
- And that's not scary.
ZELDA: You're a witch, Sabrina.
You can't run away from Halloween.
And that's just the onset of senility.
- May I help you? - I wanna chop you up in little pieces.
- You want what? - I want a cup of coffee.
Okay, I'm just letting my imagination get the best of me.
But if I turn around and he's got an axe, he loses the benefit of the doubt.
Okay, well would you like to join our Biscotti of the Month Club? I don't think I'll be back.
This coffee's so strong, it could wake the dead.
[VOICE MOANING.]
"Wake the dead.
" What was that guy talking about? I mean, this batch was almost liquid.
See? Everything is fine.
So far I've served five or six people and not a single attempt on my life.
[TRAY CLATTERS.]
Aah! Okay, calm down.
It's just the muffin tray.
Muffins are not scary.
They're fat-free.
I'm gonna die! Hi, Dreama.
- Hilda, I'd like you to meet Mr.
Poe.
- It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Thanks for the ride.
That voice, it's so scary.
May I take your cape? - No garment could be scarier.
- This is the stuff of nightmares.
The only thing scary about that cape is that he died in it and never had it cleaned.
Well, if no one wants to listen to my horror stories, I'll just go shred some beloved sweaters.
[CHATTERING.]
Apparently an AA meeting just let out.
Mind giving me a hand here? I've never really made a cappuccino before.
Well, that's where good old-fashioned American ingenuity comes in handy.
Okay, and a little magic.
Frothy milk, nice and hot-tay Whip me up two low-fat lattes [IMITATES MILK FROTHING.]
Okay.
There you go.
[ALL GROANING.]
There you are.
Listen, Zelda forgot to pick up the one thing that will make Edgar Allan Poe feel at home.
An open bar? - A black cat.
- Forget it.
Fine, then I'll go with my second choice.
Quoth the raven, "Bite me.
" - Finally, we get a moment to relax.
- I know.
You know, I have to admit, before you got here, I was feeling sort of [THUNDER CRASHING.]
Afraid.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
It's just a severe thunderstorm.
On a calm, cloud-free evening.
This has nothing to do with my aunts trying to warn me that I couldn't avoid Halloween? [VOICE MOANING.]
- Stop that.
- I thought that was my stomach.
What kind of people go out for coffee in weather like this? [ALL GROANING.]
The flesh-eating zombie kind.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Mmm.
Oh.
Ladies, that was the best meal I've had in years.
In the afterlife, they don't cook with salt.
Can you believe how much roast beef he ate? Talk about "The Pig and the Pendulum.
" And four desserts.
That'll teach you to serve rum cake.
Still, we're lucky to have the scariest writer of all time as our Halloween guest.
Mr.
Poe, would this be a good time for you to read us a story? Absolutely.
If you don't mind, I'd like to read something new.
[SCREAMS.]
I'm just practising.
[ZOMBIES GROANING.]
I don't think that lock was built to withstand an onslaught from the undead.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
Wait a minute, we're witches.
I don't feel like visiting With corpses today Please make those zombies Go away Uh-oh.
We have to get rid of them the old-fashioned way.
- What's that? - Help, help, help! [THUNDER RUMBLING AND CHAINS CLANKING.]
Would you mind turning down your thunder? If you turn down your clanking chains.
[RUMBLING AND CLANKING STOP.]
Very well.
A poem by Edgar Allan Po-- [PHONE RINGING.]
What is that ringing? A telephone.
That's how we communicate these days.
Haven't you people ever heard of e-mail? Salem, get the phone.
Go ahead, curdle our blood.
[COUGHS AND SPITS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
"Salem, we're too busy being scared out of our wits to answer the phone.
" Hello? Salem, exactly what did my aunts mean when they said that I couldn't avoid Halloween? - I'm fine, how are you? - Salem.
If you run away from Halloween, Halloween will find you.
And it won't be happy.
Ugh! And once Halloween has found you, how do you get it to un-find you? That'll require research.
Do it, and hurry.
Right, like I got nothing better to do than save your anti-Halloween butt.
[ZOMBIES GROANING.]
Of all the ways to go, death by zombie? I can't bear to look.
What are they doing? Are they clawing at our flesh? Actually, they're having a party.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[ZOMBIES GROANING.]
I am so fired.
Josh is gonna be back any second and I'm pretty sure zombies are messier than bikers.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Excuse me.
Ugh! Sorry.
Eck! Just because their bodies are rotting doesn't mean they can't shower once in awhile.
- Hello? SALEM: Here's the deal.
To get out of your predicament, you have to experience the fun of Halloween.
Fun? I'm up to my arms in arms.
If I may suggest some fun, think of a trip to the graveyard to listen to Salem's horror stories.
[DIAL TONE.]
Hello? [ZOMBIES GROANING.]
What fresh hell is this? You don't understand.
My boss trusted me to keep an eye on this place and if he comes back and it's not-- Ow! This happens when you try to reason with someone who's decaying.
ZOMBIE: Toilet paper.
Oh, great, just what I need.
More Halloween fun.
- Wait, that is what I need.
HARVEY: Brad, give me another roll.
DREAMA: It's Harvey and Brad.
Harvey, quit tp'ing the Christian Science Reading Room and get over here.
Interesting clientele.
What's that smell? This is our last year we can trick-or-treat.
So let's make it count.
Gee, Sabrina, we thought you were too mature for Halloween.
- Stop talking and start tp'ing.
BRAD: Okay.
- They're leaving.
- Woo-hoo! We broke the spell.
Oh, wait, who forgot their foot? What did I tell you about Sabrina's pranks? Her family takes Halloween very seriously.
And you keep telling me they're not weird.
Harvey, you were right.
Why not just loosen up and enjoy Halloween? As long as little kids aren't making fun of us to our faces.
You're the best.
"I love you enough to let you walk.
But I love you too much to let you run.
But you don't want to walk.
You want to run.
Let's skip.
- Part 17.
" - Excuse me, Mr.
Poe? I don't mean to interrupt, but we thought that you were going to read us something less dull.
She means something scary.
Horror? I haven't done that tripe in years.
There's a much bigger market in inspirational writing.
Is that what this is? Hilda, he's our guest.
We have to be polite.
"Rainbows and sparkles, kittens in a box.
" He's going down.
See you guys later.
And don't let all the crickets loose in Mr.
Kraft's house till I get there.
Okay, a quick clean-up and I'm home free.
So I don't get fired And take a lot of flack - Help me clean up before my boss-- JOSH: Sabrina? Oh.
Josh, hi.
What happened to this place? Look at all this toilet paper.
You wouldn't believe how many kids came dressed as Mr.
Whipple this year.
I'm sorry.
I know it's easy to get behind on your bussing - when you're the only one here, but - Am I fired? I mean, I know I have to clean up and all, but after that, am I fired? Well, it is Halloween.
People should have fun.
And we are insured.
Hey, what's that? I don't see any-- [SCREAMS.]
Wow, I guess this was worth 14.
95.
Are you okay? As soon as my heart starts beating again, I'll be swell.
Well, I heard you like them, so I brought you a Tootsie Pop.
Thanks.
So really, I'm not fired? "Though she screamed as loud as she could, not a sound could be heard, for the water slowly but inexorably rose over her face.
" Poor Salem, he was so determined to read his stores whether anyone listened or not.
"Until at last, she was no more.
" The end.
See, I told you they were scary.
My first mortal Halloween.
I had such a great time.
- Yeah, it was fun.
- Your boss, Josh, he's great.
There's one thing that bothers me about him.
- What? - I have a huge crush on him.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
So, what is it we learned in this week's episode? That, try as you may, you cannot run away from Halloween.
That you never really know what lurks beneath your neighbourhood sewer grate.
And that those zombies were really scary.
[GASPS.]
Oh, right, my coffee.
Hey, where's my biscotti?
How do you like my new litter box? [LAUGHS.]
Halloween.
Is it just a date on the calendar that people from England don't know about? Or is it a state of mind? Or is it a state of being? I frankly don't know.
But come along on our Halloween journey and maybe by the end, we'll all know.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
Is this lining real satin? Sabrina, could you help me pick up some stuff this afternoon? "Water balloons, toilet paper, dry ice, rotten eggs"? One more thing, could you find out where the biology lab gets those pigs in formaldehyde? Your mom on another one of her crazy diets? Hey, we only have 33 hours and 12 minutes left till Halloween night.
We gotta start planning our pranks and tricks now.
I can't.
Dreama and I are gonna go look for after-school jobs.
We figured the best time to do it would be after school.
But this could be our last hurrah.
My dad says that the Westbridge City Council is gonna make it illegal for kids over the age of 17 to trick-or-treat.
That's just wrong.
I was gonna march against sweatshop labour in the Orient, but now I've got this.
I can't believe how few glamorous, high-paying, after-school jobs there are for inexperienced teenagers.
Life is so unfair.
So have you decided if you're an existentialist, an idealist or a nihilist? Actually, currently, I'm an unemployed-ist.
Thought you were in my philosophy class.
Sorry.
Can you believe it? A real, live college student was talking to you.
College is gonna be so great.
We'll get to take classes like philosophy and hang out in places like this with guys who take philosophy.
- Why don't you get a job here.
- That'd be great.
This place is so cool and none of the furniture matches.
- Do you know how to make coffee? - No.
But if my cat can do it when he's half-asleep, how hard can it be? Oh, excuse me, I'd like to speak to the manager.
- You from the Health Department? - No.
Then I'm the manager.
I'm also the cashier, the table busser and the bouncer.
Matter of fact, do you know what they call me? - What? - Josh.
Oh, well, excuse me, Mr.
Josh.
I'm looking for a job.
You are, huh? You got any experience? Experience? I travel with my own Melitta filters.
So you got no idea how to make coffee? - None.
- Could I get a little service? Oh, I'm sorr-- Oh! Nice save.
If you can pour as well as you catch, you're hired.
Fantastic.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is gonna make it hard to negotiate salary, isn't it? So was the roller coaster scary? Scary? They make you sign an organ-donor form before letting you on.
We rode upside down, holding boiling soups and lawn darts.
And still, not scary.
Here it is, the Halloween season and we can't find one thing to scare us.
Perhaps we should give that dentist who works without Novocaine another try.
In just a few hours, people will be mistaking me for Juan Valdez.
All right, let me know what you think and be brutal.
[COUGHS.]
- Come on, it can't be that bad.
- You try it.
It's fine.
Just a little chewy.
It's been decades since I've enjoyed the sweet taste of terror.
Your wait has come to an end, my fright-craving friend.
Suppose the three of us go to a graveyard, and I'll read some of the ghost stories I've written.
The Tales of Salem.
See, the mere prospect paralyses you with fear.
No, but your sad little suggestion gave me an idea.
You know who writes stories that are truly scary? - Edgar Allan Poe.
- You're right.
Hey, let's make use of our time-travel clock and invite him for a Halloween dinner.
Don't tell me you're scared by Sissy Pants Poe? Are you implying that the author of "The Tell-Tale Heart" isn't scary? His stories are scary because I gave him all his best ideas.
If it weren't for old Salem, you'd be shivering to "The Tell-Tale Kidney.
" Okay, here's the correct way to bus a table.
First, the trash.
Try to avoid screaming, "Yuck," at the top of your lungs.
I once saw my vice principal in his boxer shorts, not a peep.
Next, the mugs.
All right, I like to pretend the half-full ones mean good luck.
And then you reach the mother lode.
A whole quarter tip.
You think you can handle that table? Yeah, just hand me a germ-laden rag and I'm on it.
Oh, by the way, I know it's last-minute, but is there any chance you can work the night shift on Halloween? While everyone else is goofing off, I get to make coffee and wash dirty cups? - And clean the spill tray.
- All this and minimum wage? Where go I get my shots? Great news, Hildie.
Edgar Allan Poe R.
S.
V.
P.
'd.
We're on our way to being truly scared.
- Ooh.
He even wrote it in blood.
- Actually, I think that's red crayon.
Good, there's scary and there's gross.
Hi, Sabrina, how's our favourite coffee maker? The correct term is barista.
I love my job.
College kids are so sophisticated.
They talk about art and literature and foreign films.
By the way, who's Jack Kerouac, what's cubism and can I get a futon? While you're here, give us a hand.
Edgar Allan Poe is coming for dinner.
We want the house to be really scary so he'll be comfortable.
I thought the sound of clanking chains might be nice.
[CHAINS CLANKING.]
I was thinking more along the lines of thunder and lightning.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
- So much for the tool shed.
- Let's get decorating.
It's my turn to hang up the skeleton.
You're dreaming.
You always get to hang up the skeleton.
- Well, then, it's tradition.
Give me.
- Don't make me separate you two.
What is it about this holiday that makes people act immature? - Well, she started it.
- The pranks and hokey horror stuff.
You know, lucky for me, I've got plans for Halloween.
I'm gonna be working at the coffeehouse.
Sabrina, you're a witch.
Witches can't run away from Halloween.
Watch me.
I'm done will all this kid stuff.
[VOICE MOANING.]
Okay, that was ominous.
- Yeah, and it didn't scare me a bit.
- Me either.
You know, I've been thinking of revising my will and leaving you my entire collection of Pez dispensers.
- What do you want? - A ride to the graveyard tonight? - Please? - No can do.
I've gotta work.
[VOICE MOANING.]
Oh, that's right.
You've got that nice boss.
Real generous guy.
- Thinking of others, giving of himself.
- Your point? Think he'd give me a ride to the graveyard? You know, I'm really surprised our special pumpkin-flavoured coffee hasn't been more popular.
Think it has to do with the fact that it's a hideous shade of orange and tastes like pumpkin? BOTH: Trick or treat.
- None of the above.
- Great costumes, huh? You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find ones that fit.
- It's flame-retardant.
- Aren't you old for this? Not until the city council passes that law.
Tonight is gonna be a Halloween for the record books.
We're gonna warm up by egging Coach Cook's house, work in a cow tip or two, and time permitting, wrap things up by streaking across old Lady Blankenship's front yard.
I'm glad to see you've added subtlety to your bag of tricks this year.
Harv, why are we standing here? We should be out there burning poop.
I know how you love Tootsie Pops, so I'll save any I get for you.
Wash your hands first.
Cute kids.
I guess that's what happens when pregnant women smoke.
Well, I've gotta get to the library and finish my essay on Shakespeare's comedies.
I've compared, now I'm ready to contrast.
Wait, you're gonna leave me here to run things by myself? That's why I asked you to work tonight.
I really need someone I can trust.
The last guy I left here rented it out to bikers.
How can you can trust me? I've only worked here one day and I have very shifty eyes.
I'll only be a couple of hours.
I'll be back in time to help you close up.
But what if someone comes in and wants to order something? You give it to them? I promise you Halloween night here is so easy.
The place is a morgue.
[VOICE MOANING.]
Josh was right.
I can handle this.
And he's depending on me.
[VOICE MOANING.]
- And that's not scary.
ZELDA: You're a witch, Sabrina.
You can't run away from Halloween.
And that's just the onset of senility.
- May I help you? - I wanna chop you up in little pieces.
- You want what? - I want a cup of coffee.
Okay, I'm just letting my imagination get the best of me.
But if I turn around and he's got an axe, he loses the benefit of the doubt.
Okay, well would you like to join our Biscotti of the Month Club? I don't think I'll be back.
This coffee's so strong, it could wake the dead.
[VOICE MOANING.]
"Wake the dead.
" What was that guy talking about? I mean, this batch was almost liquid.
See? Everything is fine.
So far I've served five or six people and not a single attempt on my life.
[TRAY CLATTERS.]
Aah! Okay, calm down.
It's just the muffin tray.
Muffins are not scary.
They're fat-free.
I'm gonna die! Hi, Dreama.
- Hilda, I'd like you to meet Mr.
Poe.
- It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Thanks for the ride.
That voice, it's so scary.
May I take your cape? - No garment could be scarier.
- This is the stuff of nightmares.
The only thing scary about that cape is that he died in it and never had it cleaned.
Well, if no one wants to listen to my horror stories, I'll just go shred some beloved sweaters.
[CHATTERING.]
Apparently an AA meeting just let out.
Mind giving me a hand here? I've never really made a cappuccino before.
Well, that's where good old-fashioned American ingenuity comes in handy.
Okay, and a little magic.
Frothy milk, nice and hot-tay Whip me up two low-fat lattes [IMITATES MILK FROTHING.]
Okay.
There you go.
[ALL GROANING.]
There you are.
Listen, Zelda forgot to pick up the one thing that will make Edgar Allan Poe feel at home.
An open bar? - A black cat.
- Forget it.
Fine, then I'll go with my second choice.
Quoth the raven, "Bite me.
" - Finally, we get a moment to relax.
- I know.
You know, I have to admit, before you got here, I was feeling sort of [THUNDER CRASHING.]
Afraid.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
It's just a severe thunderstorm.
On a calm, cloud-free evening.
This has nothing to do with my aunts trying to warn me that I couldn't avoid Halloween? [VOICE MOANING.]
- Stop that.
- I thought that was my stomach.
What kind of people go out for coffee in weather like this? [ALL GROANING.]
The flesh-eating zombie kind.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Mmm.
Oh.
Ladies, that was the best meal I've had in years.
In the afterlife, they don't cook with salt.
Can you believe how much roast beef he ate? Talk about "The Pig and the Pendulum.
" And four desserts.
That'll teach you to serve rum cake.
Still, we're lucky to have the scariest writer of all time as our Halloween guest.
Mr.
Poe, would this be a good time for you to read us a story? Absolutely.
If you don't mind, I'd like to read something new.
[SCREAMS.]
I'm just practising.
[ZOMBIES GROANING.]
I don't think that lock was built to withstand an onslaught from the undead.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
Wait a minute, we're witches.
I don't feel like visiting With corpses today Please make those zombies Go away Uh-oh.
We have to get rid of them the old-fashioned way.
- What's that? - Help, help, help! [THUNDER RUMBLING AND CHAINS CLANKING.]
Would you mind turning down your thunder? If you turn down your clanking chains.
[RUMBLING AND CLANKING STOP.]
Very well.
A poem by Edgar Allan Po-- [PHONE RINGING.]
What is that ringing? A telephone.
That's how we communicate these days.
Haven't you people ever heard of e-mail? Salem, get the phone.
Go ahead, curdle our blood.
[COUGHS AND SPITS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
"Salem, we're too busy being scared out of our wits to answer the phone.
" Hello? Salem, exactly what did my aunts mean when they said that I couldn't avoid Halloween? - I'm fine, how are you? - Salem.
If you run away from Halloween, Halloween will find you.
And it won't be happy.
Ugh! And once Halloween has found you, how do you get it to un-find you? That'll require research.
Do it, and hurry.
Right, like I got nothing better to do than save your anti-Halloween butt.
[ZOMBIES GROANING.]
Of all the ways to go, death by zombie? I can't bear to look.
What are they doing? Are they clawing at our flesh? Actually, they're having a party.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[ZOMBIES GROANING.]
I am so fired.
Josh is gonna be back any second and I'm pretty sure zombies are messier than bikers.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Excuse me.
Ugh! Sorry.
Eck! Just because their bodies are rotting doesn't mean they can't shower once in awhile.
- Hello? SALEM: Here's the deal.
To get out of your predicament, you have to experience the fun of Halloween.
Fun? I'm up to my arms in arms.
If I may suggest some fun, think of a trip to the graveyard to listen to Salem's horror stories.
[DIAL TONE.]
Hello? [ZOMBIES GROANING.]
What fresh hell is this? You don't understand.
My boss trusted me to keep an eye on this place and if he comes back and it's not-- Ow! This happens when you try to reason with someone who's decaying.
ZOMBIE: Toilet paper.
Oh, great, just what I need.
More Halloween fun.
- Wait, that is what I need.
HARVEY: Brad, give me another roll.
DREAMA: It's Harvey and Brad.
Harvey, quit tp'ing the Christian Science Reading Room and get over here.
Interesting clientele.
What's that smell? This is our last year we can trick-or-treat.
So let's make it count.
Gee, Sabrina, we thought you were too mature for Halloween.
- Stop talking and start tp'ing.
BRAD: Okay.
- They're leaving.
- Woo-hoo! We broke the spell.
Oh, wait, who forgot their foot? What did I tell you about Sabrina's pranks? Her family takes Halloween very seriously.
And you keep telling me they're not weird.
Harvey, you were right.
Why not just loosen up and enjoy Halloween? As long as little kids aren't making fun of us to our faces.
You're the best.
"I love you enough to let you walk.
But I love you too much to let you run.
But you don't want to walk.
You want to run.
Let's skip.
- Part 17.
" - Excuse me, Mr.
Poe? I don't mean to interrupt, but we thought that you were going to read us something less dull.
She means something scary.
Horror? I haven't done that tripe in years.
There's a much bigger market in inspirational writing.
Is that what this is? Hilda, he's our guest.
We have to be polite.
"Rainbows and sparkles, kittens in a box.
" He's going down.
See you guys later.
And don't let all the crickets loose in Mr.
Kraft's house till I get there.
Okay, a quick clean-up and I'm home free.
So I don't get fired And take a lot of flack - Help me clean up before my boss-- JOSH: Sabrina? Oh.
Josh, hi.
What happened to this place? Look at all this toilet paper.
You wouldn't believe how many kids came dressed as Mr.
Whipple this year.
I'm sorry.
I know it's easy to get behind on your bussing - when you're the only one here, but - Am I fired? I mean, I know I have to clean up and all, but after that, am I fired? Well, it is Halloween.
People should have fun.
And we are insured.
Hey, what's that? I don't see any-- [SCREAMS.]
Wow, I guess this was worth 14.
95.
Are you okay? As soon as my heart starts beating again, I'll be swell.
Well, I heard you like them, so I brought you a Tootsie Pop.
Thanks.
So really, I'm not fired? "Though she screamed as loud as she could, not a sound could be heard, for the water slowly but inexorably rose over her face.
" Poor Salem, he was so determined to read his stores whether anyone listened or not.
"Until at last, she was no more.
" The end.
See, I told you they were scary.
My first mortal Halloween.
I had such a great time.
- Yeah, it was fun.
- Your boss, Josh, he's great.
There's one thing that bothers me about him.
- What? - I have a huge crush on him.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
So, what is it we learned in this week's episode? That, try as you may, you cannot run away from Halloween.
That you never really know what lurks beneath your neighbourhood sewer grate.
And that those zombies were really scary.
[GASPS.]
Oh, right, my coffee.
Hey, where's my biscotti?