Sabrina The Teenage Witch s07e19 Episode Script

You Slay Me

You'll be happy to know that Aaron and I have picked the place to have our wedding.
- The Ritz? The Four Seasons? - The backyard.
Oh.
Well, that's very I thought Aaron had money.
He does, but Sabrina and I decided on having a simple unpretentious wedding.
Yes, we just want to exchange our vows in an intimate setting surrounded by only family, friends and, you know, the people we invited just for gifts.
Have you thought of professing your love naked under an old elm tree, surrounded by mother earth's beauty? Well, we checked, but mother earth is booked solid.
You know, that naked-under-the-elm-tree thing Forget it.
They can have their simple trailer-park wedding.
But I am going to throw her a first-class bridal shower.
- You're planning a shower? - Yep.
That's the maid of honor's job.
She hasn't even picked one.
Well, I think we know who that's going to be, Miss Earth-Mother.
So I'm sending out the invitations tomorrow.
Oh, it's gonna be tough to send out invitations when I have her address book.
I have been looking all over for that.
Sorry, but my invitations are already stamped and ready to go.
I can't believe this.
"Casual"? Who raised you? Okay, Today's Bride, Modern Bride, Bridal Path.
I thought she looked a little horsy.
Okay, let's head out.
What? Head out? Yeah, to the bridal fair.
I thought we could knock off all our wedding preparations in one afternoon.
A bridal fair? But why do I have to go? Because there's no such thing as a "groomal" fair.
Look, this is our wedding.
Don't you think we should make every decision together? But I'll be the only guy there.
No, you won't.
How about that? You're the only guy here.
Oh, I can't believe this place.
It's as big as the auto show, only with tons of things I don't care about.
Come on.
How could you not care about tiaras? You're not gonna wear one of those, are you? Why not? This way, I can not only be the center of attention, but I can also be the centerpiece.
Yeah, you could always wear it backwards.
Yeah, very hip-hop.
Hello, welcome to Taffeta Town.
Ooh, look at how big this thing is.
You could get married in it and have the reception underneath it.
Ha, yeah, with a fairly decent-sized dance floor.
I said ivory, not off-white, not ecru.
Why is everyone conspiring against me? Sabrina, if I haven't said it lately, I am very glad to be marrying you.
- Thank you.
- Mm.
And, no, you can't go wait in the car.
Worth a shot.
Check out this monstrosity.
Ha, ha.
- I've gotta try it on for a laugh.
- Heh-heh-heh.
Ooh, and a little exercise.
Wait, you're not gonna leave me out here alone, are you? - I mean, what am I supposed to do? - Hold my purse.
Would you like some help? Uh, no, I think I've got it or it's got me.
Look out, giant doily coming through.
- You look beautiful.
- Oh, I look ridiculous.
Ha, ha.
I feel like a giant blimp on her way to cotillion.
Aaron's is gonna get such a Oh, my gosh.
I'm a princess.
Would you like to see the matching veil? It comes with a veil? So I thought for the shower, we could do a high tea with assorted finger sandwiches, followed by parlor games.
I think we should have a goddess festival.
We can bead bracelets, give each other henna tattoos, sing folk songs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, Sister Moon.
If I am gonna let you help me plan this shower Help you? I'm letting you help me.
Besides, I think I know Sabrina better than you.
Which is why she's gonna pick me as her maid of honor.
Oh, you got the maid part right.
Oh, this is great.
Not only am I getting a husband, I'm getting a Sherpa.
That's a whole lot of simple going on.
Yeah, simple went out with the 6-foot cherub ice sculpture.
But if you're happy, I'm happy.
- I'm ecstatic.
- Mm-hm.
Okay, you're officially released.
Go be a guy.
But only to a certain point.
I'm on it.
Sabrina, what happened? Well, I got to thinking.
You know, a wedding is really for the guests.
So, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't give them a little show, a little razzle-dazzle, a little napkin folded like a swan.
Oh, thank goodness you've come around.
I mean, how many times does a girl get to walk down the aisle? Two, three times tops.
Wait until you see my veil.
It's like a mini-gown for my head.
Salem, I've seen the future and it's me dressed as a princess.
And I've had the very same dream about you.
Wait, that didn't sound right, either.
You know, I realized this wedding is gonna set the tone for our whole fairy-tale life together.
I mean, without the poison apples and singing dwarfs.
Just to clarify, I don't dream about you in dresses all the time.
There's so much to do, I don't know where to start.
I mean, I have to book a ballroom, a caterer, musicians.
How do you even start to plan a fairy-tale wedding? At the beginning.
"Once upon a time, there was a handsome young cat " What I need to do is talk to a real princess.
Oh, of course.
Daddy, please, don't take away my gold card.
Wrong kind of princess.
I swear, spells like that are just designed to help keep the magic-book publishers in business.
Okay, princess.
Let's see.
Oh, hey, look at this.
Cinderella, perfect.
Hello.
Cinderella Charming.
Sabrina, frantic.
So you took your husband's name? Um, I'm a traditionalist.
Plus, my maiden name was Schneiburger.
Ooh, good call.
So I was hoping you would help me.
I'm trying to plan the perfect fairy-tale wedding with all the trimmings: Doves, wandering minstrels A gilded carriage with coachmen? Uh, I don't think Aaron's gonna go for that.
He's talking about having his brother drive us in his minivan.
Oh, first mistake.
You're the bride.
This is your special day.
You've gotta insist on getting everything you want, and the rest will fall into place.
So you think it's possible for me to have the wedding of my dreams? Honey, I was a chimney sweep who married a prince, so anything's possible.
Just remember, it's your day.
I'll do that.
Thanks, Cindy.
Any problems, you know where to find me.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a man coming to dredge the moat.
A moat? I'd like a moat.
What do you think? Great, huh? They're great.
Very heavy, very metal.
So, uh, let's talk food.
Now a buffet is easier, but a sit-down dinner is so much classier.
Oh, and then there's the whole soup-or-salad quandary.
Oh, this would be so much easier with a fairy godmother.
Industry slang for our wedding planner.
Whatever you want.
But, uh, what about the band? For the wedding? Well, if you think they can handle "Sunrise, Sunset.
" But I thought we agreed to go a little non-traditional with the music, and that I could pick the entertainment.
But All right.
We did agree.
- They'll be fine.
- Ha, ha.
Hey, it's your special day, Sabrina.
Insist on what you want.
Actually, what I meant was no.
They won't be fine.
No, listen to me.
I want doves.
And I want them painted blue.
Well, how long do they live normally? I'm all for yelling at service people, but when you make them cry, they're useless for hours.
Quit your sniveling and just get the job done.
Morgan, you said you were gonna help me pick out tablecloth colors.
Well, I got swatches, but now that you're going with blue doves, I'm not sure if they're right.
I ask for so little.
Speaking of which, you, where are you with our vows? I'm working on a draft, but I may need to re-write it.
It's filled with words like "love" and "compassion.
" I am surrounded by incompetent people.
Who are doing the best they can.
Why are you acting like this? Yeah, we're breaking our necks trying to help you with your wedding.
Breaking your necks doesn't help me.
Busting your butts would.
I've seen you sweat more looking for the remote.
What? No, no, unacceptable.
Well, somebody's gonna have to rethink his priorities, Reverend.
You know, I really think you should take the credit for this shower.
Like you said, you two are so much closer friends.
Oh, no, no, no.
If anyone should be the maid of honor, it's you.
So I am just gonna step back and let you take the bullet.
I mean credit.
Hey, Sabrina around? Why am I even speaking to you? Put the bishop on.
Oh, there's the shrill cry of my beloved now.
So when are you guys planning on getting your own place? Look, I know that Sabrina's been acting a little crazy lately, but maybe we should cut her some slack.
I mean, all brides get stressed out like this before their wedding, right? Please say yes.
Did you hear them? I mean, is it too much to ask for the perfect storybook wedding? Sabrina, I hate to say it, but you really are turning into a monster.
I am not a monster.
I am a princess.
I stand corrected.
Oh, this dress is all wrong.
Hey, bridezilla, take it down a notch.
Listen, nobody asked you to come down here, Mr.
Nag-A-Lot.
- Oh! Is everything okay in there? No, no, everything is not okay.
What's going on? Oh, just another raging out-of-control bride preparing for the happiest day of her life.
Uh, let's give her some space.
Walk quickly, don't look back.
Someone better get in here and help me or nothing will grow on this spot for 200 years.
Look, before you destroy the greater Boston area, you've gotta listen to me for two seconds.
Oh, quit your yammering and grab a pincushion.
This dress isn't gonna size itself.
Sabrina, forget the dress.
- Look at yourself.
- What? You have to imagine me with my hair done, but I still look like a princess.
But look around you.
Look what you've done.
Well, it's not my fault.
I mean, I'm in a hurry.
And the service here is terrible.
Look under the dress.
Oh, my feet.
And I've got a tail.
And I'm leaving destruction in my wake? Oh, my gosh, I'm not a princess.
I'm a dragon.
Wake up, woman, you're not a princess, you're a dragon.
I just said that.
I know.
I just always wanted to do that.
Why won't it go away? Why is this happening to me? I mean, sure I was the teensiest bit demanding, but you have to be when you're planning the perfect fairy-tale wedding.
Besides, I was just following Cinderella's advice.
That'll teach you to listen to a woman who can't keep track of her shoes.
I've gotta slip out of here before anybody sees me.
Uh Oh, yeah.
Very discreet.
Okay, made it across town without anyone seeing me.
Well, except for those Japanese tourists.
Yeah, that was unfortunate.
Now all I need to do is get up to my room, find Cinderella and get some answers.
Surprise! Holy cheese and crackers.
Surprised? Surprised, shocked, stunned, taken aback.
- How's that? Gotta go.
- You can't go.
This is our way of saying that even though you treated us poorly, we are better people than you.
Enjoy your shower.
What was that? - Nothing.
Just Kimmie being a klutz again.
Uh, now if you'll excuse me.
Why are you wearing your wedding dress? Test drive.
You know, the good news is, it really holds the curves.
Sabrina, wait.
Well, that is beyond rude.
Now I don't feel so guilty about re-gifting her.
- Sabrina? - Oh, Aaron, um, hi.
Shower's in there, act surprised, bye.
Wait, wait, wait.
I think we need to have an Ow.
Jeez.
What are you wearing under there, steel-toed boots? Of course.
Heh.
Would it kill you to open a bridal magazine? Stupid feet, stupid tail, stupid dress.
Yeah, it took me a while to get used to my tail.
But again, I have no experience with or fantasies about a dress.
Cindy, hello? Are you home? Oh, where could she possibly be? Maybe she and Snow White and Rapunzel are having a sleepover.
With pillow fights.
Ooh, now that's a fairy tale.
- Not helping.
- Not trying.
Huh.
There may be an advantage to this thing after all.
Like they say, a cat will always land on his face.
Sabrina, open up.
We need to talk.
Super busy.
- What's going on? - She's barricaded herself in there.
Well, she better come out.
Because if I have to sit down there with those loser friends of hers, she has to too.
No offense.
You know, Sabrina's quirky behavior can be endearing, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Sabrina, open up.
Hold on, let me try.
Sabrina, open up.
It's all in the tone.
Hello? Cindy, it's just me.
Don't freaked out by the giant eyeball.
Why don't you ring the doorbell? Well, if there was a doorbell, don't you think I'd Oh, look, a doorbell.
Oh, there you are.
I've been wandering all over this castle for 20 minutes.
You have a family of serfs squatting in the root cellar.
I told Mom and the girls they should have been nicer to me.
So how are the wedding plans going? Did you find a place for the ceremony? Yeah, Jurassic Park.
Look.
I've become Tyrannosaurus wreck.
With the right train, no one will notice.
Let me show you the one I wore.
It was gorgeous.
Well, I don't wanna hide the problem, I wanna get rid of it.
You know, Aaron is very understanding, but I think this 6-foot kickstand might be a deal-breaker.
Well, then you're better off without him.
I mean, Prince Charming left years ago, but you don't see me crying.
What? He left? But I thought you had the perfect fairy-tale life.
No, I had the perfect fairy-tale wedding.
Oh, I have to show you pictures of the reception.
Oh, my gosh, you're a dragon too.
Small price to pay for the perfect wedding day.
This isn't what I want, alone in a turret with nothing but memories.
What's funnier than downtrodden townsfolk doing the electric slide? Why did I listen to you? Oh, I've been so focused on the wedding.
I forgot all about the happily-ever-after.
I've got to go back, refocus my priorities and pay attention to what's really important.
Wow, I feel better already.
Ugh.
You know, usually when I have these revelations, the magical side effects tend to go away.
Yo, I've learned my lesson.
Any advice? Don't go with the pumpkin carriage.
You'll never get rid of the smell.
Salem, I'm gonna be a dragon for the rest of my life and it's all my fault.
Well, look at it this way.
You'll never have to shave your legs again.
No, because I'll have to sandpaper them.
Well, worry not, my scaly maiden.
I've done some research and found the perfect solution.
All you need to do is find a prince to slay you.
Well, where am I gonna find a prince? Well, I know a couple of queens and a dog named Duke.
Hey, you're right.
I am getting used to the tail.
- Sabrina.
- Whoa.
No, you can't come in here.
No, I'm coming in and we're gonna talk or this wedding is off.
But you can't see the bride in her wedding dress.
What? But I just saw you downstairs.
Yeah, and we've had nothing but bad luck ever since.
- Now, please don't look at me.
- Okay, fine, whatever.
All right, but I'm not leaving here until we have this out.
This wedding is out of control.
- I know and I'm so - No, no, no.
Now, I don't want to hear any more demands.
All right? Look, Sabrina, this isn't just your day.
It's our day.
And I'm gonna have some input.
Wait, what did you just say? I'm saying that this whole fairy-tale wedding of yours has gone too far.
And this is one prince charming who's not gonna put up with it anymore.
Of course, you're my prince.
No, not a prince.
Just a guy who wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and I think you've lost sight of that.
I couldn't agree more.
- Really? - Really.
All I want is the happily-ever-after.
Something else we agree on.
Oh, and just so you know, I'm okay with a tux but I'm not wearing tails.
I'm right there with you.
Bye.
Bye, Erin.
Bye, Kimmie.
Bye, Maureen.
We'll do this again soon.
Well, not for me, hopefully.
Ha, ha.
But for one of you, hopefully.
Oh, that was absolutely perfect.
I can't thank you guys enough.
Apparently, I really can't.
Guys, I said I'm sorry.
Ooh, bathtub beads.
Later.
Later.
Look, I know you guys went through a lot of trouble, and I know I've been a little bit demanding.
Sabrina, you weren't a little anything.
You were a great big raging Okay, I get it.
Look, I'm really sorry.
I can't even begin to explain.
It's okay.
Apology accepted.
I know you're going through a lot right now and I can't really blame you for not being yourself.
- Ahem.
- I can.
But I won't.
You know, it really was a great shower.
The finger sandwiches were my idea.
So just curious, have you given any thought to flower girls, bridesmaids, and, oh, I don't know, maid of honor? Morgan, don't put her on the spot.
So have you? Well, I have thought about it and I've decided on my maid of honor.
But I need to let you know, it's not gonna be one of you.
- Oh.
- Okay.
It's gonna be both of you.
- Great choice.
- We approve.
But I'm really the main maid of honor, right? You just couldn't leave it alone, could you? Nothing is ever simple.
I'm definitely going with something simpler and half the petticoats.
Scaling back, huh? Please don't mention scaly backs.
Aaron and I are just finding some middle ground.
Instead of using the backyard, we found a church we both like.
But I can't believe how much I still need to do.
If Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer are your maids of honor, where does that leave me? You want to be my maid of honor? It's always nice to be asked.