Saint George (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Why Can't We Be Friends?
Oh, come on.
If you're gonna come here, assimilate! Get out of the streets, and get your asses to work! Mom, who else is gonna do those jobs? Can I tell you something, and you won't get mad? This country's got too many Mexicans.
All they do is come here, steal loose change, have babies, and loiter.
Yeah, I see one loitering in my kitchen right now.
Go back to where you came from! You know, I thought you'd have more compassion.
You used to be a farm worker.
You marched side-by-side with Cesar Chavez! I just told you that to get you off your fat ass and get a job.
I was never a farm worker.
I was bent over, all right, but I wasn't in a field.
Hey, lazy Mexican.
When are you gonna get that fixed? Okay, I got a contractor coming over today.
Let your tio fix it.
He can fix anything.
My drunk-ass uncle? No, thanks.
I hired a professional.
Oh.
A professional.
Now that you live in a big house in a fancy-ass white neighborhood, your own Uncle's not good enough to work on it? Yeah, you're right.
Oh, hey, a commercial.
Ay! La energia! I was watching that.
Too many Mexicans on TV.
Mom! Can you watch where you put your stuff down? I can't show up at school with coffee rings and chorizo stains all over my tests! Can I tell you something, and you won't get mad? Oh, no.
Why are you teaching? You were always stupid.
Teaching is my way of giving back.
Giving back what? Giving back stupid? There's enough stupid people in the world, Saint George.
You've done your job.
Well, if you're still alive when I get home, we'll continue this conversation.
Oh, I'll still be alive.
I'm gonna outlive your fat ass.
Hey, dad.
What are you doing here? It's not my day.
Mom's dropping me off.
"Not my day.
What are you doing here?" Is that the way a father greets his son? Hey, look, Mac, I don't have Harper until the seventh.
And today is the seventh.
It is my day.
Welcome! I'll be upstairs.
Harper, give your grandma a hug! I'm not gonna hug her.
She's mean.
You got that right, Hyper.
His name is "Harper.
" She doesn't even know his name? What kind of woman delights in terrorizing her own grandson? Flaca! Well, what did she say? You know what? She's giving you a recipe for salsa.
I would be writing this down.
Listen, I'll pick up Harper tomorrow night.
Just make sure he takes his probiotics, and help him fill out his application for soccer.
And make sure he does his math homework.
Wait a minute, I have my class tonight.
Oh, so you would rather spend the evening with 25 kids you don't know than spend the evening with your own son? Okay, it's not an evening, it's two hours.
And my mom is here, she'll watch him.
No, we've been through this.
I don't trust your mother with our son.
She's negative.
She is racist, profane, and judgmental.
That's true.
Look, look, all right, listen to me.
Your friends pay $7 an hour to have a Mexican woman watch their kids.
Here you're getting it for free.
Okay.
Just make sure he does his math homework and help him fill out that application for soccer.
And don't let your mom cuss at him in Spanish.
Don't worry.
I'll watch the little son of a bitch.
Perfect English.
You're worrying for nothing.
Have a good evening.
Yo, Georgie! Your mama called me on the phone.
Said we had an electrical emergency.
Okay, tio, I'm not letting your drunk ass near my electricity.
I got a contractor coming over.
You'll let a licensed professional work on it, and you won't let me? Hell, yeah.
What does he got that I don't got? Uh, he's got a license and a truck and a blood alcohol level lower than 4.
9.
You know how white you sound right now? That's sad.
Tio, you don't know anything about wiring.
What about that time that you electrocuted yourself at the church carnival? That's right! They had to shut down the rides till the smell of your burnt hair went away.
It never grew back on my legs.
Hey, but I didn't drop my beer.
It got warm, but I didn't drop it.
You know what, tio? That's the most attention anyone's ever paid to you.
Do you remember what you said when you woke up? "I'm alive!" Yeah, I was alive.
Hey, come on, Georgie.
Hey, I can get a contractor's license from junior! Okay, tio, I don't want you or your son junior working on my house.
You guys will kill yourselves.
Oh, hello.
Is the, uh, man of the house here? No, senor.
He no here.
Listen, amigo.
Just call him on your telefono and let him know the electrician's here.
Pool boy.
Uh, we no speak English.
Please don't tell nobody.
We we no wanna go back to Mexico.
Nobody likes us there.
Ay! All right, fool, you're hired.
Yeah! Let me at that control panel! You don't have any tools? I got all the tools I need right here.
I thought George only wanted "professionals" working on his precious house.
He does.
But the licensed contractor didn't even think he lived here.
"Is the man of the house home?" You might want to hire a white person to answer your door.
But you shoulda seen him.
Standing there like a big stupid.
Hey, do you wanna get fired? No, no.
You're a disgruntled employee and you haven't even started yet.
Yeah, Georgie, this is all I need.
Tools for the trade! Are you serious? You're gonna work on my house with a spatula and a butter knife? See? You hold the wires back with this, and you turn the screws with this.
Counterclockwise.
All right, let me know which way you're gonna shoot out.
Probably counterclockwise.
Good luck, Buzz! "To infinity and beyond!" "Why don't you go back to where you came from?" We've all heard it.
My mom said it to me this morning.
But does anybody really know where they're from? Beverly Hills.
Okay, did you know that Beverly Hills used to be part of Mexico? Oh, my God.
No way.
Oh, my God.
Way.
And if you look behind the bushes, you'll probably still see some Mexicans there.
The history of America is the history of immigration.
From Plymouth Rock forward.
A lot of people say that the Pilgrims were the first illegal aliens.
I mean, how do you discover land that people already live in? I don't even think Pilgrims have been to Arizona.
Can you imagine Sheriff Joe pulling over a Pilgrim because his taillight is out? A lot of people say that illegal aliens are taking jobs away from Americans.
If an illegal alien takes your job, you know what? Your job sucks.
I don't think anybody's saying, "well, I wanted to pick strawberries 'cause I heard you get to wear this cool hat.
" Everyone is from someplace else.
So where are you from? Mexico? Yeah.
You know, I know I don't look it.
But I am Mexican.
I'm also a little Native American.
Not enough to get a casino, but enough to black out when I drink.
Grandma, can you turn that down? It's too loud, and that language gives me a headache.
"That language.
" You mean Spanish? I don't understand it, and it makes my head hurt.
I'm trying to do my math homework.
Open your eyes, Hooper.
Harper.
All you need to learn is in this box.
Not in those books.
You see that guy? That lady is crying because the man chopped up her brother, who was part of the cartel.
Put him in the trunk and set the car on fire.
What does it have to do with math? The man owed money.
He got killed.
That's math.
He got chopped up into 11 different pieces and scattered in 5 different places.
That's also math.
Fractions.
Yo! Where's this wire coming from? Oh, don't worry about it.
I I'm just kicking back, enjoying my beverage.
I thought you hated la energia.
I do.
But I put some Tequila in it.
Hey, I'm celebrating! You don't never have to pay electricity bills forever.
Why would I not have to pay electricity bills forever? Because last night under the cloak of darkness I connected your electricity to your neighbor's house.
Tio! You can't steal electricity, man.
This is a good neighborhood.
People pay their bills, they're gonna find out.
Unhook it.
Now! Are you crazy? I just set you up with free electricity for life.
You know what? Now you thank Junior.
Because Junior was very inspirational in the result of of this operation.
Seriously, how many of those have you had? Seven.
Whatever you did, undo it.
Now.
Vamonos.
I can never do nothing! Grandma, I can't eat this.
It makes my stomach gurgle.
Eat it.
Grandma, I can't drink that.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
And besides it expired last week.
So what? Your father used to drink milk that was chunky.
I told him the lumps were marshmallows.
Hey, dad.
Grandma said you used to drink chunky milk.
I never drank chunky milk.
I drank milk that had marshmallows in it, though.
Are you gonna insult me by not eating my food? It smells weird.
It's not my food that smells.
It's probably your ass.
That's not nice.
Hey, come on.
Listen, I'm not gonna let you talk to Harper like that.
I'll talk to anybody any way that I want in my own house.
This isn't your house.
This is my house.
You are an unwelcome guest.
Well, for nine months, you were an unwelcome guest in my womb.
Well, I'm sure a lot of men went in, but only one came out alive.
You didn't even wait for the doctor to slap me.
You hit me first, then you put a little knife down, and you told the doctor I came at you.
Dad, mom wants to talk to you.
George.
George, we need to talk.
I'm not here! I can see you! Harper, I need to talk to your dad alone.
Thanks.
What is going on? Your mother is trying to get Harper to eat food that will upset his tummy.
I don't want that deranged woman near my son.
Okay.
Hang on, Mac.
Why don't you tell her yourself? Put the knife down.
Put the knife down.
Alma.
MacKenzie.
How many times do I have to go over this? You have Harper's list of approved foods.
Respect my child enough not to feed him dairy.
He is lactose-intolerant.
Flaca! What did she say? She said she likes you better with your hair up, that your neck is long, but you pull it off.
That is not what she said.
I know that tone.
That tone is is very insulting and extremely demeaning.
It's Spanish.
That's how everything sounds! I want her to apologize.
My God, really? Mom, will you apologize to MacKenzie? Mom! Apologize to MacKenzie.
Vamonos.
I'm sorry.
That is not an apology.
Okay, wait a minute.
What are you talking about? She just told you she was sorry! She doesn't mean it.
Look at her face! She didn't mean it.
That's true, I don't mean it.
I may be saying "sorry," but in my head I'm thinking "whore.
" George, it is this kind of obvious disregard for my opinion in this household Don't ask me how you did it.
Not a single one of you passed this test.
It was really hard.
- It was really hard.
- Yeah.
Okay, yes, it's hard, but you make it harder when you don't study.
Look, I'm here to teach you guys.
Well, apparently, you're not doing a good job.
We all failed.
Well, you're smart, because someone taught you the word "apparently.
" I realize I'm new at this but, at one time, I was just like you.
Skinny? I was a terrible student.
I struggled, I had dyslexia, I hated school, so I dropped out.
Seems you did all right without an education.
Yeah, you're rich.
We looked you up on the Internet.
Ah! La energia! Okay, I'm successful because I went back to school and got my G.
E.
D.
like you guys are trying to do.
A teacher said to me, "you can be anything you wanna be with an education.
" And no one had ever said that to me.
So because of that teacher, I went to college, and I built a business, and I worked my ass off seven days a week, 14 hours a day, for ten years.
And it paid off.
So you're right la energia! I love it! Every time somebody says it, I get $3.
La energia! That's $6! But don't you have to give half to your ex-wife? All right, that's $3.
Tio, you ready? All right, pull! Dad? Hang on, Harper.
I'm in the middle of something, I can't right now.
But, dad, I Harper, in a minute! Oh! All right Big baby! Fixed.
I hope you're happy! Where's your shirt? Burned off.
Hey.
Honey What's wrong? I don't know.
I don't feel so good.
Are you getting sick? My stomach's gurgling.
I think so.
Well, what did you eat today? Nothing.
Nothing? I think it was the smell.
Your dad didn't feed you? Okay, go get your stuff.
I'm taking you home.
George.
She's gonna punish you.
You are really something, do you know that? Wait a minute, what did I do now? Do you even know that your son has a stomachache? How? He didn't eat anything today! There's nothing in this whole house that you'll let him eat! Oh, hell.
There's a bloody cow tongue just laying in the sink.
That's tomorrow's dinner.
Yeah, well, Harper can't eat that, okay? He has a very sensitive system.
You know he has borderline IBS.
IBS? "Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
" Mom, chorro.
Ah! Chorro.
George! Can I talk to you in the living room? She got IBS too.
"Irritable Bitch Syndrome.
" I don't know why you're laughing.
You're the carrier.
Tongue, George? Tongue? Of course Mexicans would eat a meat that could taste you back.
Okay, well, I'm sorry if we don't get our nutritionally-balanced food delivered to our doorstep at the beginning of each week.
Oh, my God! Monday! It's an egg-white omelet! What's for lunch? Yay! An almond.
You are such a pain in the ass.
Yes, you know what? You've made that abundantly clear.
Now if I'm such a pain in the ass, why did you marry me in the first place? I don't know, I thought you would change.
From being a handsome Mexican with exquisite taste? You eat tongue! You know, I didn't realize being married to a Mexican meant "telenovas," chopped up bodies, and irritable bowel syndrome.
Well, it was on our wedding invitation.
Yo! Hey! Lady Mac! Hey, I don't care what Georgie says, you're still a fine-looking specimen! Oh.
You see, George? This is what I'm talking about.
Every time my son comes over here, it's like he's crossed the border into Tijuana.
You've got tattooed shirtless Mexicans running loose and bloody cow parts just floating in your sink.
I should have known better than to leave him here and think you'd take care of him.
Why did you even fight for custody? I fought for custody, because he's my son too.
Oh, that's precious.
Because you find every excuse you can to ignore your son.
These days, it's teaching and playing golf.
When we were married, it was work.
You always put Harper and me second.
Deep down inside, you know I'm right.
Okay, well, you know, I don't think I have to go deep down.
I know I wasn't there.
But let me ask you something.
You're trying to make me feel guilty for working hard, and it's not gonna work, all right? I was a damn good provider.
George, you worked all the time.
Well, I had to work all the time because you kept spending money.
Purses and shoes and belts.
I spent money to get your attention.
All those purses, shoes, and belts were a cry for help.
A cry for help? So all those alligators had to die because you were crying for help.
All right.
You were a good provider, but you think that's the same thing as being a good father? It's not! Did you help Harper with his homework? Huh? Did you help him fill out his application for soccer? You didn't even know he had a stomachache.
You have got to be more involved in your son's life.
He is up there right now.
But he is not always gonna be here.
Because he's gonna grow up, and he's not gonna know his father.
And you are gonna regret that.
- You know what? - What? You're absolutely right.
Hmm? I did not hear you.
You heard me! You're right.
I need to be his father.
I'll make more of an effort to be a parent and to be more involved with my son.
Hooper.
Well, thank you.
You know, if we're being honest there, candy land I need to tell you something I probably should have told you a long time ago.
Well, okay.
When you shave your legs you miss a part on the back and that hair's about that long, and it's nasty! What's that? Hey, don't tell me how I did it, okay? But you're the only house on the block with power.
Where is your shirt? It burned off.
There you are.
Your mom's looking for you to take you home.
How are you feeling? Better.
Listen, Harper.
I know sometimes I haven't been the best Yeah, dad, I know.
You know, Harper, you don't know.
I've always had a hard time Dad, we're cool.
Really? Really.
Hey, do you know we're the only house on the block with power? Well, Harper, let that be a lesson to you.
Always hire family.
Look at the craftsmanship on those wires.
If you're gonna come here, assimilate! Get out of the streets, and get your asses to work! Mom, who else is gonna do those jobs? Can I tell you something, and you won't get mad? This country's got too many Mexicans.
All they do is come here, steal loose change, have babies, and loiter.
Yeah, I see one loitering in my kitchen right now.
Go back to where you came from! You know, I thought you'd have more compassion.
You used to be a farm worker.
You marched side-by-side with Cesar Chavez! I just told you that to get you off your fat ass and get a job.
I was never a farm worker.
I was bent over, all right, but I wasn't in a field.
Hey, lazy Mexican.
When are you gonna get that fixed? Okay, I got a contractor coming over today.
Let your tio fix it.
He can fix anything.
My drunk-ass uncle? No, thanks.
I hired a professional.
Oh.
A professional.
Now that you live in a big house in a fancy-ass white neighborhood, your own Uncle's not good enough to work on it? Yeah, you're right.
Oh, hey, a commercial.
Ay! La energia! I was watching that.
Too many Mexicans on TV.
Mom! Can you watch where you put your stuff down? I can't show up at school with coffee rings and chorizo stains all over my tests! Can I tell you something, and you won't get mad? Oh, no.
Why are you teaching? You were always stupid.
Teaching is my way of giving back.
Giving back what? Giving back stupid? There's enough stupid people in the world, Saint George.
You've done your job.
Well, if you're still alive when I get home, we'll continue this conversation.
Oh, I'll still be alive.
I'm gonna outlive your fat ass.
Hey, dad.
What are you doing here? It's not my day.
Mom's dropping me off.
"Not my day.
What are you doing here?" Is that the way a father greets his son? Hey, look, Mac, I don't have Harper until the seventh.
And today is the seventh.
It is my day.
Welcome! I'll be upstairs.
Harper, give your grandma a hug! I'm not gonna hug her.
She's mean.
You got that right, Hyper.
His name is "Harper.
" She doesn't even know his name? What kind of woman delights in terrorizing her own grandson? Flaca! Well, what did she say? You know what? She's giving you a recipe for salsa.
I would be writing this down.
Listen, I'll pick up Harper tomorrow night.
Just make sure he takes his probiotics, and help him fill out his application for soccer.
And make sure he does his math homework.
Wait a minute, I have my class tonight.
Oh, so you would rather spend the evening with 25 kids you don't know than spend the evening with your own son? Okay, it's not an evening, it's two hours.
And my mom is here, she'll watch him.
No, we've been through this.
I don't trust your mother with our son.
She's negative.
She is racist, profane, and judgmental.
That's true.
Look, look, all right, listen to me.
Your friends pay $7 an hour to have a Mexican woman watch their kids.
Here you're getting it for free.
Okay.
Just make sure he does his math homework and help him fill out that application for soccer.
And don't let your mom cuss at him in Spanish.
Don't worry.
I'll watch the little son of a bitch.
Perfect English.
You're worrying for nothing.
Have a good evening.
Yo, Georgie! Your mama called me on the phone.
Said we had an electrical emergency.
Okay, tio, I'm not letting your drunk ass near my electricity.
I got a contractor coming over.
You'll let a licensed professional work on it, and you won't let me? Hell, yeah.
What does he got that I don't got? Uh, he's got a license and a truck and a blood alcohol level lower than 4.
9.
You know how white you sound right now? That's sad.
Tio, you don't know anything about wiring.
What about that time that you electrocuted yourself at the church carnival? That's right! They had to shut down the rides till the smell of your burnt hair went away.
It never grew back on my legs.
Hey, but I didn't drop my beer.
It got warm, but I didn't drop it.
You know what, tio? That's the most attention anyone's ever paid to you.
Do you remember what you said when you woke up? "I'm alive!" Yeah, I was alive.
Hey, come on, Georgie.
Hey, I can get a contractor's license from junior! Okay, tio, I don't want you or your son junior working on my house.
You guys will kill yourselves.
Oh, hello.
Is the, uh, man of the house here? No, senor.
He no here.
Listen, amigo.
Just call him on your telefono and let him know the electrician's here.
Pool boy.
Uh, we no speak English.
Please don't tell nobody.
We we no wanna go back to Mexico.
Nobody likes us there.
Ay! All right, fool, you're hired.
Yeah! Let me at that control panel! You don't have any tools? I got all the tools I need right here.
I thought George only wanted "professionals" working on his precious house.
He does.
But the licensed contractor didn't even think he lived here.
"Is the man of the house home?" You might want to hire a white person to answer your door.
But you shoulda seen him.
Standing there like a big stupid.
Hey, do you wanna get fired? No, no.
You're a disgruntled employee and you haven't even started yet.
Yeah, Georgie, this is all I need.
Tools for the trade! Are you serious? You're gonna work on my house with a spatula and a butter knife? See? You hold the wires back with this, and you turn the screws with this.
Counterclockwise.
All right, let me know which way you're gonna shoot out.
Probably counterclockwise.
Good luck, Buzz! "To infinity and beyond!" "Why don't you go back to where you came from?" We've all heard it.
My mom said it to me this morning.
But does anybody really know where they're from? Beverly Hills.
Okay, did you know that Beverly Hills used to be part of Mexico? Oh, my God.
No way.
Oh, my God.
Way.
And if you look behind the bushes, you'll probably still see some Mexicans there.
The history of America is the history of immigration.
From Plymouth Rock forward.
A lot of people say that the Pilgrims were the first illegal aliens.
I mean, how do you discover land that people already live in? I don't even think Pilgrims have been to Arizona.
Can you imagine Sheriff Joe pulling over a Pilgrim because his taillight is out? A lot of people say that illegal aliens are taking jobs away from Americans.
If an illegal alien takes your job, you know what? Your job sucks.
I don't think anybody's saying, "well, I wanted to pick strawberries 'cause I heard you get to wear this cool hat.
" Everyone is from someplace else.
So where are you from? Mexico? Yeah.
You know, I know I don't look it.
But I am Mexican.
I'm also a little Native American.
Not enough to get a casino, but enough to black out when I drink.
Grandma, can you turn that down? It's too loud, and that language gives me a headache.
"That language.
" You mean Spanish? I don't understand it, and it makes my head hurt.
I'm trying to do my math homework.
Open your eyes, Hooper.
Harper.
All you need to learn is in this box.
Not in those books.
You see that guy? That lady is crying because the man chopped up her brother, who was part of the cartel.
Put him in the trunk and set the car on fire.
What does it have to do with math? The man owed money.
He got killed.
That's math.
He got chopped up into 11 different pieces and scattered in 5 different places.
That's also math.
Fractions.
Yo! Where's this wire coming from? Oh, don't worry about it.
I I'm just kicking back, enjoying my beverage.
I thought you hated la energia.
I do.
But I put some Tequila in it.
Hey, I'm celebrating! You don't never have to pay electricity bills forever.
Why would I not have to pay electricity bills forever? Because last night under the cloak of darkness I connected your electricity to your neighbor's house.
Tio! You can't steal electricity, man.
This is a good neighborhood.
People pay their bills, they're gonna find out.
Unhook it.
Now! Are you crazy? I just set you up with free electricity for life.
You know what? Now you thank Junior.
Because Junior was very inspirational in the result of of this operation.
Seriously, how many of those have you had? Seven.
Whatever you did, undo it.
Now.
Vamonos.
I can never do nothing! Grandma, I can't eat this.
It makes my stomach gurgle.
Eat it.
Grandma, I can't drink that.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
And besides it expired last week.
So what? Your father used to drink milk that was chunky.
I told him the lumps were marshmallows.
Hey, dad.
Grandma said you used to drink chunky milk.
I never drank chunky milk.
I drank milk that had marshmallows in it, though.
Are you gonna insult me by not eating my food? It smells weird.
It's not my food that smells.
It's probably your ass.
That's not nice.
Hey, come on.
Listen, I'm not gonna let you talk to Harper like that.
I'll talk to anybody any way that I want in my own house.
This isn't your house.
This is my house.
You are an unwelcome guest.
Well, for nine months, you were an unwelcome guest in my womb.
Well, I'm sure a lot of men went in, but only one came out alive.
You didn't even wait for the doctor to slap me.
You hit me first, then you put a little knife down, and you told the doctor I came at you.
Dad, mom wants to talk to you.
George.
George, we need to talk.
I'm not here! I can see you! Harper, I need to talk to your dad alone.
Thanks.
What is going on? Your mother is trying to get Harper to eat food that will upset his tummy.
I don't want that deranged woman near my son.
Okay.
Hang on, Mac.
Why don't you tell her yourself? Put the knife down.
Put the knife down.
Alma.
MacKenzie.
How many times do I have to go over this? You have Harper's list of approved foods.
Respect my child enough not to feed him dairy.
He is lactose-intolerant.
Flaca! What did she say? She said she likes you better with your hair up, that your neck is long, but you pull it off.
That is not what she said.
I know that tone.
That tone is is very insulting and extremely demeaning.
It's Spanish.
That's how everything sounds! I want her to apologize.
My God, really? Mom, will you apologize to MacKenzie? Mom! Apologize to MacKenzie.
Vamonos.
I'm sorry.
That is not an apology.
Okay, wait a minute.
What are you talking about? She just told you she was sorry! She doesn't mean it.
Look at her face! She didn't mean it.
That's true, I don't mean it.
I may be saying "sorry," but in my head I'm thinking "whore.
" George, it is this kind of obvious disregard for my opinion in this household Don't ask me how you did it.
Not a single one of you passed this test.
It was really hard.
- It was really hard.
- Yeah.
Okay, yes, it's hard, but you make it harder when you don't study.
Look, I'm here to teach you guys.
Well, apparently, you're not doing a good job.
We all failed.
Well, you're smart, because someone taught you the word "apparently.
" I realize I'm new at this but, at one time, I was just like you.
Skinny? I was a terrible student.
I struggled, I had dyslexia, I hated school, so I dropped out.
Seems you did all right without an education.
Yeah, you're rich.
We looked you up on the Internet.
Ah! La energia! Okay, I'm successful because I went back to school and got my G.
E.
D.
like you guys are trying to do.
A teacher said to me, "you can be anything you wanna be with an education.
" And no one had ever said that to me.
So because of that teacher, I went to college, and I built a business, and I worked my ass off seven days a week, 14 hours a day, for ten years.
And it paid off.
So you're right la energia! I love it! Every time somebody says it, I get $3.
La energia! That's $6! But don't you have to give half to your ex-wife? All right, that's $3.
Tio, you ready? All right, pull! Dad? Hang on, Harper.
I'm in the middle of something, I can't right now.
But, dad, I Harper, in a minute! Oh! All right Big baby! Fixed.
I hope you're happy! Where's your shirt? Burned off.
Hey.
Honey What's wrong? I don't know.
I don't feel so good.
Are you getting sick? My stomach's gurgling.
I think so.
Well, what did you eat today? Nothing.
Nothing? I think it was the smell.
Your dad didn't feed you? Okay, go get your stuff.
I'm taking you home.
George.
She's gonna punish you.
You are really something, do you know that? Wait a minute, what did I do now? Do you even know that your son has a stomachache? How? He didn't eat anything today! There's nothing in this whole house that you'll let him eat! Oh, hell.
There's a bloody cow tongue just laying in the sink.
That's tomorrow's dinner.
Yeah, well, Harper can't eat that, okay? He has a very sensitive system.
You know he has borderline IBS.
IBS? "Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
" Mom, chorro.
Ah! Chorro.
George! Can I talk to you in the living room? She got IBS too.
"Irritable Bitch Syndrome.
" I don't know why you're laughing.
You're the carrier.
Tongue, George? Tongue? Of course Mexicans would eat a meat that could taste you back.
Okay, well, I'm sorry if we don't get our nutritionally-balanced food delivered to our doorstep at the beginning of each week.
Oh, my God! Monday! It's an egg-white omelet! What's for lunch? Yay! An almond.
You are such a pain in the ass.
Yes, you know what? You've made that abundantly clear.
Now if I'm such a pain in the ass, why did you marry me in the first place? I don't know, I thought you would change.
From being a handsome Mexican with exquisite taste? You eat tongue! You know, I didn't realize being married to a Mexican meant "telenovas," chopped up bodies, and irritable bowel syndrome.
Well, it was on our wedding invitation.
Yo! Hey! Lady Mac! Hey, I don't care what Georgie says, you're still a fine-looking specimen! Oh.
You see, George? This is what I'm talking about.
Every time my son comes over here, it's like he's crossed the border into Tijuana.
You've got tattooed shirtless Mexicans running loose and bloody cow parts just floating in your sink.
I should have known better than to leave him here and think you'd take care of him.
Why did you even fight for custody? I fought for custody, because he's my son too.
Oh, that's precious.
Because you find every excuse you can to ignore your son.
These days, it's teaching and playing golf.
When we were married, it was work.
You always put Harper and me second.
Deep down inside, you know I'm right.
Okay, well, you know, I don't think I have to go deep down.
I know I wasn't there.
But let me ask you something.
You're trying to make me feel guilty for working hard, and it's not gonna work, all right? I was a damn good provider.
George, you worked all the time.
Well, I had to work all the time because you kept spending money.
Purses and shoes and belts.
I spent money to get your attention.
All those purses, shoes, and belts were a cry for help.
A cry for help? So all those alligators had to die because you were crying for help.
All right.
You were a good provider, but you think that's the same thing as being a good father? It's not! Did you help Harper with his homework? Huh? Did you help him fill out his application for soccer? You didn't even know he had a stomachache.
You have got to be more involved in your son's life.
He is up there right now.
But he is not always gonna be here.
Because he's gonna grow up, and he's not gonna know his father.
And you are gonna regret that.
- You know what? - What? You're absolutely right.
Hmm? I did not hear you.
You heard me! You're right.
I need to be his father.
I'll make more of an effort to be a parent and to be more involved with my son.
Hooper.
Well, thank you.
You know, if we're being honest there, candy land I need to tell you something I probably should have told you a long time ago.
Well, okay.
When you shave your legs you miss a part on the back and that hair's about that long, and it's nasty! What's that? Hey, don't tell me how I did it, okay? But you're the only house on the block with power.
Where is your shirt? It burned off.
There you are.
Your mom's looking for you to take you home.
How are you feeling? Better.
Listen, Harper.
I know sometimes I haven't been the best Yeah, dad, I know.
You know, Harper, you don't know.
I've always had a hard time Dad, we're cool.
Really? Really.
Hey, do you know we're the only house on the block with power? Well, Harper, let that be a lesson to you.
Always hire family.
Look at the craftsmanship on those wires.