Samantha Who? s01e11 Episode Script

Once upon a time, there was a girl who made the tiniest mistake on the way to happily-ever-after.
Yeah, hi, Todd.
It's me again.
In some countries it's actually considered rude to ignore messages after someone has left 20 or 30 of them.
Maybe not as rude as pretending that you and I had sex to get rid of your girlfriend.
But it's close.
Trust me, the new girlfriend's no prize either.
Anyhoo Um, if you call me back, maybe we can work this out.
Anyway, bye.
- Good morning, Mr.
Chapman.
- Is it ? Is it, really ? My mistake.
I thought this was the morning Funk decided to drop in - for his twice-yearly visit.
- Funk ? - Funk.
- Oh ! Right, the other name on the sign.
Yes, the other name.
But you see mine's first.
Why ? Because one of us devotes every minute to this place, while the other travels around the world to attend to his little billion-dollar empire.
Oh ! That's funny, I just always thought it was alphabetical.
Alpha - OK, the point is, it's first.
- OK.
- He wants us in the conference room.
- Let's do it.
The Wall Street Journal says that Winston Funk needs no introduction.
Yet here I am once again, introducing him.
So here he is.
Good morning.
It's a pleasure to see you all.
I want to apologize for the dust my helicopter kicked up this morning.
Chase ? And what the hell is that ? No one here is hearing impaired.
Yet.
The soul of success is anticipation.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Someone's in love with Funk.
Oh, please, don't be ridiculous.
Is he not the most adorable billionaire ever ? Good morning, ladies.
Scurbee.
- What were you even trying to say ? - I have no idea.
- Do you see what he does to me ? - Yes.
God, he is everything I have ever wanted in a man and it's not the money.
I swear, it is not the money.
I would love him if he was just a millionaire.
And he's getting divorced.
Should I go for it ? Andrea, he is charming, good-looking, rich and available.
- If you don't go for him - I will tear you apart.
- I was kidding.
- Yeah, me too.
- Hello, Sam.
- Hey.
You.
- Samantha Newly ? - Mr.
Funk.
The day we've been waiting for has finally arrived.
Marry me.
Scurbee.
- Aren't you going to try it on ? - No.
No, I shouldn't.
I can't.
Maybe just for a second.
Whoa.
That's heavy.
Ah Wow.
It's flawless, like you.
Whoa, there.
Hey.
You think you can just propose and then touch me ? Georgette and I are through.
Are you still with that boyfriend ? Ted ? Fred ? Frodd.
Todd.
No.
- Then there's nothing in our way.
- Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Small thing.
Um, I don't remember you.
Is this about my haircut ? Because I thought you'd like it.
- No.
- You want to touch it ? No.
Look, I haven't told anyone around here about this, but I think that maybe you should know, since the rest of our lives is hanging in the balance and all.
But I was hit by a car, and I went into a coma, and now I have amnesia.
Ring's not big enough.
That it ? No.
No, that's not Wait, they make them bigger ? You are never an easy sell.
I've always liked that.
Look, it's the truth.
I was out for eight days and when I woke up I couldn't remember my name, or my friends, or liquid soap.
I'm still a little fuzzy on what an REO Speedwagon is.
- Oh, my God.
You're serious.
- Yeah, I just don't remember us.
Which is a shame, because I'm guessing it was good.
It wasn't REO Speedwagon, but yeah.
So, I'm sorry.
I just can't.
Oh, hey, you know, but if you're in the marrying mood, I can refer you to a dynamite brunette No.
It's cool.
I should go.
I should probably give this back to you.
I don't want to.
There you go.
If Andrea finds out that I had a relationship with this guy, she is going to kill me.
I accidentally ate her yogurt the other day and she bent back all my fingers.
Ooh, a woman scorned.
That's such a great antagonist.
Antagonist for what ? I'm taking an online romance novel writing class.
- Really ? - My heroine is a beautiful amnesiac with a dark past and an uncertain future.
My nom de plume is Dena Devereaux.
Well, don't base your novel on my romantic life because Todd won't even return my phone calls.
So what happens next ? I don't know.
Flip ahead and you tell me.
Well, are you a heroine who's willing to risk everything she has to win the stableboy she loves ? Or are you a heroine who just gives up and throws herself on some rocks ? Todd won't return my phone calls.
There's nothing that I can do.
Rocks.
Fetch ! They've had a hard day.
Oh, Todd.
I just wanted to say that You know what ? You can ignore me all you want, but just keep in mind that by now I do know your routine.
I know when you get your coffee, and those big fat cinnamon rolls that you just love so much, but then you feel so guilty for eating them that you go and run off the calories in the park like a girl.
Anyhoo, I'm just checking in because OK, Sam.
You win.
What ? One second.
I have to go.
- It was you.
- Cinnamon roll for Todd.
I need you to know why I did what I did to you and Chloe.
- I don't care.
- It's because I have these feelings It doesn't matter.
Don't say it.
You don't even know what I was going to say.
- I think I do.
- Oh, really ? Well, maybe I was going to say that I am having feelings about the situation in the Middle East.
And now you are never going to hear them.
It doesn't matter because I'm with Chloe now and nothing you can say is gonna do anything but make everybody feel bad.
And those are my feelings.
Oh, yeah ? Well, how is that going to help the troops ? And so, her yearning for the stableboy unrequited, our heroine headed through the dark of night, seeking comfort at the warm hearth of her kindly but addled parents.
There she is, our beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and naturally blonde daughter.
Hello again, Sam.
Hi.
Well, you're just not used to hearing the word "no," are you ? I hear it all the time.
It's that little noise, right before yes.
He's going to teach me how to fly his helicopter ! So, um, what are you doing here ? Or, "Hello, so nice to see you again" is what we sometimes say to company.
Samantha, Winston just dropped by to He said we could call him Winston.
I came by to ask your father for your hand in marriage.
And I said yes ! I didn't even think about it.
- Congratulations, honey.
- Wait.
Wait.
No.
No.
No, no.
Mother - Samantha ? - What ? Could you help me in the kitchen for just a moment ? Excuse us.
A little nervous.
What ? When were you going to let me know that a billionaire was in love with you ? - Oh, God.
- He used to date that girl from X- Men ! Mom, I don't even know him.
I mean, how can I love him ? Plus Andrea is in love with him.
Oh, Andrea.
She just loves him for his money.
Yeah, so do you.
Yes, but I'm not the one marrying him.
And neither am I.
Why not ? Any girl would jump at the chance to marry Winston Funk.
He's been on magazine covers.
He flies jets.
The man could snap his fingers and have every window in this house weather-stripped.
I said I'll get to it.
You know Winston was telling me about his jet, so I wanted to show him mine.
It was nice of your mother to give me the potatoes to take home.
She's gonna want the container back.
Whatever you do, please don't lose the lid because she really hates that.
I hope my coming here tonight wasn't too much.
It was.
I know.
But when I buy a business, I also like to buy the parent company.
So, um it's cold.
We could be in Barbados by morning.
You know who likes the tropics and also bossing around people from third world countries ? My friend Andrea.
I want you.
Just because you can't remember my feelings for you doesn't make them go away.
I know.
But that little sound after "no," it's still "no.
" Since your accident have you seen snow ? No, and I'm not going to go to Aspen with you either.
Oh, my God.
How did you just do that ? Never underestimate the power of a man in love.
Plus I could see it starting to fall against the street light.
- It's my first snow.
- Yeah.
- Look at Mr.
Fancy.
- You're welcome.
You You have a little Hey ! - Mom ! - OK.
OK.
Now, you take a picture of me and your dad with the car.
They say a diverse portfolio will protect you in a bumpy real estate market.
But this company thrives on risk.
If the market goes south, we'll go north.
Trust me.
I can sell snow to an Eskimo.
- What the hell was that ? - What ? - That giggle.
- Nothing.
It's nothing.
It was the joke.
Because you know, an Eskimo wouldn't have to buy snow.
What is going on with you and Funk ? Nothing ! Nothing ! I even kept mentioning your name last night.
- You spent the night with him ? - No, crazy.
- It was just dinner.
- You had dinner with him ? Yeah, but we were with my parents.
- He met your parents ? - It doesn't matter, OK.
- I told him I'm not gonna marry him.
- He proposed ? Just a little.
He proposed to the old me not to the new me.
I didn't know that we had a relationship.
You knew I liked him back when you did have one and you just kept seeing him.
I know.
I know.
But you cannot blame me for something I don't remember doing.
Are you telling me you have no feelings for him now ? Now ? - Um ? - Um, um ! See, I knew it, I knew it.
That's it.
You know what ? I'm done ! I'm done with you and I'm done with Funk.
If he doesn't want me, it is his loss.
Yes ! Exactly.
Wait a minute.
You're done with me, too ? Yes.
I am.
I have been patiently waiting for my old Sam to come back.
But I better be careful what I wish for because you, you're definitely back.
Oh, oh ! Fine ! I hate you and I don't like your shoes today.
If you fell off the face of the earth, I wouldn't even care.
Good ! Then it's more billionaires for me.
And then Andrea stormed out of the bathroom.
She had a piece of toilet paper on her shoe and I didn't tell her.
I really think that this relationship is completely over.
Oh, pishposh.
Contretemps and discord are always to be expected between friends with fiery natures.
You'll stop talking like this when you finish your book ? One does hope so.
Uh, excuse my interruption.
Are you Miss Newly ? Yes, it is I.
Yes, I am.
Mr.
Funk is outside in his car and was wondering if you'd care to join him.
Well, tell him thank you very much, but the answer is no, I would not care to join him.
I would care for him to leave me alone.
And that's what I would care for.
- As you wish.
- Thank you.
- Madam.
- Oh ! "Abandoning all chance of happiness, the heroine rebuffed the advances of the mysterious prince, even though there was no hope with the stableboy, and her evil friend, Androgena, had been trampled by oxen.
" You know what ? Forget Todd, screw Andrea.
You know what ? I can do whatever the hell I want ! "And with that, the heroine ran like the wind to the prince's chariot.
" Please, don't write what I do before I do it.
It's just creepy.
- "And still she ran !" - Stop it.
Ooh ! - OK.
- OK what ? OK.
I mean, you seem nice enough.
So why not ? - Are you saying you'll marry me ? - No.
No, I'm saying that, you know, maybe you can buy me coffee sometime.
A cup.
Not a franchise.
I smell cupcakes.
Are you so rich that you smell like cupcakes ? Yes, I am.
No.
Roger's wife bakes cupcakes.
And someone's bad at sharing.
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.
We should go Are you going to see Chapman ? I am not gonna take Stonehouse's workload just because his baby came early.
I didn't ask his wife to do a 10K for cancer.
Do me a favor.
Tell him I am the perfect person for the job in New York.
But then you'll be gone and I'm gonna be left here alone.
No, you'll come visit.
It's New York.
It'll be fun.
Come on.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Get him ! I know why you're here.
What do you want me to do ? The Stonehouse kid weighs two pounds.
- Don't give Andrea the promotion.
- Wow, did not see that coming.
You girls.
You see ? That's why kittens can't share the same ball of yarn.
- I like it.
- I just think that she's too valuable.
To the company, I mean.
- Done.
- Thanks.
- What'd he say ? - Oh, my God.
I tried my best.
But he just he doesn't want to lose you.
That is so not fair.
- He is so selfish.
- I know.
Honey, you're bummed.
But, hey, I know someone who needs a trip to the Sweet Sugar Bake Shop, huh ? Let's get you a cupcake.
There's this soccer game in Madrid this weekend which you might enjoy.
I've owned the team a year.
I thought if I bought a team I might not find soccer so dull, but no.
I can't do this now.
I've got to go.
Forget the soccer.
We'll get a hot dog or something.
No.
No, I just have to take care of something.
Rain check ? Yeah, sure.
Whoa.
I can walk from here.
Roger will take you wherever you want to go.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Hey, Roger ? Do you know someplace called the Sweet Sugar Bake Shop ? Hi.
I remembered that we would come here when we wanted to feel better.
I I don't remember why, but Look, I don't care if you hate me.
No, no.
You know what ? I do care.
Because best friends aren't supposed to hate each other.
I mean "best haters", who wants that, right ? I know that I should've told you earlier about Winston but it just means that I was so scared to lose you.
Kind of like how you lost me when I came out of the coma a completely different person.
I'm sorry that I never thought about how hard that must be on you.
But, you know, I'm not gone.
I'm here.
I guess, if you want me.
We sit here to smell the cupcakes.
It's like eating them but with none of the calories.
Hm ? Um, one more thing.
It's kind of funny, actually, uh Do you remember that job that you wanted in New York so badly ? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I kind of sabotaged it.
- You did ? But it was only because I didn't want to lose you.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, I sort of killed a job for you in LA.
- Really ? - Yeah.
You did that for me ? We really do care about each other.
Oh.
And our heroine realized that even as she waited for happily ever after, her friends would keep her company during the wait.
Friends and also a ration of the sweet cakes that came in the cups.
And so the beautiful, beautiful amnesiac decided to sit out for a chapter and let the other characters do whatever the hell they want.
She was tired.
"Snap and shake.
" Todd.
- What are you doing here ? - Who is this guy ? Huh ? Are you kidding ? Oh ! Nice shot, Mom.
Maybe next time you can give me two more chins.
So who is he ? Just some billionaire who wants to marry me.
No biggie.
Look at this.
Unbelievable.
Yesterday you wanted me in your life and you're all over town with this guy ? Um, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
What do you want me to do ? Sit around and not get married ? And with fire in his heart, the shy but smoldering stableboy yielded to the stunning blonde amnesiac.
She was his destiny.
Well, now look what you made me do.
Damn it, Sam ! He was just too dense to know it yet.