Samantha Who? s01e14 Episode Script

You know how when a waiter tells you not to touch your plate because it's hot you have to touch it ? I guess there's a part of you that wants to see how hot the plate really is.
But maybe you touch it because, inside, you just want to do something wrong.
Did you hear that ? - What was it ? The door ? - No, my back cracked.
Oh, God, I love that.
Don't do that to me.
If Chloe catches us Oh, she's not gonna catch us.
I saw her get into a cab five minutes ago.
- She didn't see you ? - I was hiding behind a newspaper, which was very informative.
You know that we have never had a black president ? Or a woman ? This country's weird.
- Your back ? - Not my back ! Oh, Frank, it's you.
Pardon me.
I thought you said you weren't going to be home and that I should leave your "As Seen On TV" package inside.
Changed my mind.
A lot of work.
All the photography, you know ? I mean, enough with the weddings already.
Take the money and buy a house, people ! Where shall I put the package ? OK, look, Frank.
Lately things haven't been great with Chloe and me.
Maybe she moved in too soon.
Maybe we're just different people.
Relationships.
Am I right ? - By the table ? - Perfect.
Don't judge me, Frank.
Oh, that ship sailed a long time ago.
You ever thought about running for president ? In the couch ? What were you hiding as, spare change ? Ha, ha.
I panicked, all right ? Have you ever seen Todd's back ? That chick has nails.
My heart is still beating like crazy.
Feel this.
I'm kind of creeped out that there's something in our chests pumping blood.
- I do not like that.
- I've never been so scared.
And you love every second of it.
- Where is everyone today ? - What do I love ? Sneaking around.
Cheating on boyfriends, being the other woman.
You get off on it.
I bet if I bought this place I could double the business.
Ooh, I've always wanted to own my own coffee shop.
We could be partners.
We could live above the store and have great adventures together.
You know, just because I used to like to sneak around does not mean I still do.
Just because if I liked chocolate before the accident doesn't mean I still do.
- You're eating a chocolate croissant.
- I don't like sneaking ! First thing, I'd fire everyone.
That would be fun.
Ooh ! We could call it "Andena.
" That's a combination of both of our names.
I just thought of that.
I don't need some kind of buzz, just to be excited about Todd.
That's why you only started liking him after he started dating Chloe.
That is so not tru Yeah.
Oh, my God, it is.
I do like the buzz.
I love the buzz.
I get off on the buzz.
- OK.
- Wait, do I hate that about me ? No, I do not.
You know what they say about the forbidden fruit.
No, I do not.
Hey, Todd, I got your message.
And 12 :00 is good, so I will meet you on the bridge by the park.
Wait, no one checks these messages but you, right ? Uh, yeah, so, OK, so, yeah, I'll see you on the thing by the thing.
This is your dry cleaner.
- Sam ? - Hey.
Where are you going dressed all snazzy ? - Me ? - Uh-huh.
Nowhere.
Just off to play some bridge with the ladies.
Like that ? With the boobs and everything ? These ? Well, the gals are always showing off theirs, so I'm like, "Why not rub mine in their faces ?" Um, I'll tell all the gals you said hi.
Yeah, well, I don't even know who the gals are.
The gals.
I can't name them.
Do you know all your friends' names ? I got to go.
We tee off in 20 minutes.
Wait, I thought you said you were playing bridge.
We are.
Between holes.
The course plays very slow.
A lot of old people.
If I ever get like that, pull the plug.
Where have you been ? Sorry, I told Chloe I was going to play basketball.
And I wanted it to look real, so I jumped into a pickup game.
Then it went into overtime, and you had to win by two points.
Oh, yeah.
I could have helped you get sweaty, but, yeah.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm bad at this.
When she asked me who I was going out with, I blanked.
I couldn't even think of my own friends' names.
I said "Lancelot.
" It was a disaster.
Anyway, I'm here now, so Oh, my God.
My mother wasn't going to play golf.
That may be the unsexiest line I've ever heard.
- My mother's having an affair.
- And we have a new winner.
- Your mother's not having an affair.
- You didn't see her, all right ? She was definitely sneaking off somewhere to get some strange.
Sam, you're projecting.
You think she's having an affair because you are.
You think ? Come on.
She's not the kind of woman who has an affair, is she ? No, no, she's the kind who collects roosters.
- God, what is the matter with me ? - You know what ? Nothing.
You feel guilty.
And you know what ? So do I.
That's why I've got to put an end to this.
You want to stop seeing me ? - No.
I'm breaking up with Chloe.
- Oh ! Oh, good.
Wait ! No.
Don't.
- Thought you wanted to be together.
- Of course I do.
- I'm just kind of worried.
- About what ? About you.
Because, you know, I'm just feeling like maybe you're with me because you kind of get off on all this sneaking around.
- I really don't think - Shh ! We're out of time.
- We should talk about this.
- Tomorrow we will talk about you getting off on all the sneaking.
- So where do you want to meet ? - At a hotel.
Check in as Monty.
Monty, yeah.
What ? I don't know why everyone thinks sneaking around is so bad.
Spies do it.
And they're defending the country.
So I'm like a patriot.
Thanks, Sam.
I started to feel so bad about what I was doing, that I actually thought my own mother was screwing around.
How stupid is that ? You know what ? I think I'm going to go see how much they want for this place.
- I'm going to go with her.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- What's going on ? - Nothing.
I wanted to watch her negotiate.
Why, is something going on ? Andrea, you know something, and I want to hear it.
There was an incident, a few years ago.
You and I were coming out of a club.
And ? Usually you're like, "Oh, my God," and you remember everything.
Just tell me the story.
Please.
- Hey, is that your mom over there ? - No, that's your mom.
- No, really.
Is that your mom ? - That's your mom.
- No ! - Oh, that's my mom.
Regina Newly ! Sam ! Andrea.
- What are you doing here ? - Me ? Nothing.
Just cheese.
Tasting it.
Just tasting cheese with the gals.
Someone's not wearing her wedding ring.
Well, cheese makes me bloat.
Especially Roquefort and some cheddars.
And the occasional goat Will you stop looking at my fingers ? Excuse me ! Thank you ! Oh, sweetie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think your mother's having an affair.
Yeah.
How cool is that ? Oh, my God.
My mother's been having an affair for years ? Maybe not.
I mean, maybe it's something else.
Yeah.
You're right.
Maybe she's turning tricks to pay for her community college.
Guys ! This is going to kill my father ! My aunt found out that my uncle was having an affair.
And two weeks later, they found her dead from a broken heart.
And a boating accident.
You know, maybe she is telling the truth, though.
Maybe cheese does make her bloat.
I just need to know for sure.
- Oh, you could sprinkle cheese - About the affair, honey ! I was watching Oprah last week, and she was talking about ways to tell if someone's having an affair.
- Oh, my God, we both watch Oprah.
- Oh, my God, we're twins ! The first sign is dieting.
No, I mean, she eats whatever she wants.
- Bitch.
- She doing anything different in bed ? Actually, yeah, she's been doing this new thing with her I don't know ! Underwear ! Underwear ! Is she buying sexy lingerie ? Andrea, what do you think I do ? Go rifling through her underwear drawer ? New.
New.
New ! New ! New ! - New ! - Samantha ? - Hey, Dad.
What up ? - What the hell is going on in here ? Um You know, if I told you, I don't think you'd be very happy.
I don't expect things to make me happy.
I'm from a different generation.
- I needed money.
- What for ? A concert.
Rock concert.
Yeah, this great band.
They're called Lancelot.
They dress up like knights and stuff.
- You want to go ? - No.
Just clean up in here and come down to dinner.
Funny, the Lancelot, they have this song called Come to Dinner.
It's like : Come to dinner in the castle of our love Yuck ! - More meatloaf, Regina ? - No, just salad.
Oh, really ? You dieting, perhaps ? - No, actually, I had a late lunch.
- Really ? - How was it ? - Very tasty.
I had orange roughy.
- I bet you like it roughy.
- What is the matter with you ? OK, enough ! There is something going on under this roof that's divided our family for a long time, and I am not going to stand for it anymore.
Ha.
That's right.
You tell her, Pop ! Regina, our daughter is a junkie.
What ? No, I am not ! The first response is denial.
I caught her going through our drawers looking for money to get her fix.
That is so not true ! Don't pretend you were going to see Lancelot, because according to the Internet the band does not exist.
That's right.
I used the Internet.
I thought it might be drugs.
That probably caused your memory problem.
I was hit by a car ! That's what happens when you don't pay your dealer.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
May I be excused ? Thank you.
It is not in my head, all right ? I saw my mother's panties.
I'm gonna put my shirt on.
I'm starting to feel weird.
I cannot believe she is having an affair with some man right here in this city.
I wonder if he's paying $300 for a hotel room, too.
Huh ? Oh, I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
We can just talk about this later.
OK ? All right.
- I wonder what he looks like.
- OK, then.
I'm sure he's Latin and all swarthy.
You know like, "Come on, Regina.
Let me make sweet love to you.
" That's not Latin, that's French.
I don't care.
I'm not calling him Daddy ! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Todd.
I just can't do this right now.
I need to find out who this guy is.
All right ? Rain check ? - Yeah.
- Ooh, chocolate.
And there's another eight bucks.
I've never followed anyone before.
Well, once, but he wanted me to.
I mean, he told me not to.
But he wanted me to.
Ooh.
Wow, he's cute.
Ooh.
Yeah, if he came into my coffee shop, I would hire him.
Ooh, he could be our barista, play Spanish guitar.
- He could emcee on open-mike night.
- We're not having an open-mike night ! - You said "we !" - God, I can't take this anymore.
Mother ! - Be right there.
- Sure.
- Well, hello there, darling.
- What are you doing ? Don't tell me that you're tasting cheese or playing bridge-golf because I know you are cheating on Dad ! - Cheating ? - Mm-hmm.
Come on, Mom.
The makeup, the new lingerie, the boobs in the afternoon ? I never could fool you, Samantha.
You're a smart girl.
That's my fault.
I breast-fed you the first four weeks of your life.
So who is he ? What's his name ? - Rory.
- Rory ? Rory ? Kind of sounds like a dog throwing up.
I realize you're good now, Samantha, and you're no longer subject to the temptations the rest of us feel.
But don't you judge me for something you've done a thousand times.
I'll see you at home for dinner.
I made scalloped potatoes.
Hi.
Don't get all excited.
It's not a marijuana plant.
So, um where's Mom ? I don't know.
Upstairs ? She's not upstairs, Dad.
She's not even here.
Her car's gone.
Oh.
Well, she's out then.
See ? This is the problem.
You don't even know where she is or who she's with.
Or if they're Latin ? Or French ? Or Rory ? OK, I don't care how much it costs, we're getting you into a program.
Dad, you two are living parallel lives.
Sammy, your mother and I are just fine.
When two people have been married as long as we have, you learn to give each other space.
You water a flower too much, it dies.
If you don't water it enough it'll find someone to have sex with who will.
Boy, Sammy, flowers don't have sex.
It's called cross-pollination.
I've got a book.
I'll show you.
That's it, that's it.
You're coming with me.
- Where we going ? - There's something you need to see.
- OK, but we're taking my car.
- Fine.
I'm not going to get jacked holding some ditch weed and a dub sack of kokomo.
And no more Internet ! I'm so sorry, Dad.
I thought she had everything she needed.
I mean, what kind of a woman does this ? There's no parking here, so why don't you just valet ? I'm not gonna pay five dollars for parking.
I'm mad enough ! Go inside, get your mother, because if I see the man she's with I'm gonna put my fist through his eye ! - I'm just going to circle.
- All right.
Sam ? What the hell are you doing here ? You need to come outside to the car.
No, I'm not going to leave.
We will talk when I go home.
Two, please.
Do we look like we work here, mister ? Scoot.
Right this way.
- You're a waitress ? - Hostess, thank you.
You have to be having an affair because you're not wearing your wedding ring.
Single girls get bigger tips.
What about all that fancy new lingerie ? Because I'm your mother, I can't wear a garter belt and thong ? - No.
No, you cannot.
- I'll see that you get some bread.
Wait, a job ? This is your big secret ? Yes.
Yes, it was.
One thing in my life that I don't have to account for to anyone.
It's just mine.
Well, if you're gonna stay here, fold.
I am part of a whole different world here.
Last week I seated a guy from Malaysia.
When would I ever meet people from Malaysia ? I'd never set foot in that country.
You told me you were having an affair.
I mean, you lied.
Because I knew, if I told you I had a job, you would tell your father.
But you do not understand him.
I know that man, and if he ever thought that I needed to or even wanted to work, he would feel he had failed me completely.
So I let you think it was an affair.
Because I knew you would never tell him that.
I found a parking space ! It seems I'm still getting to know you.
Tell me where he is so I can rip off his head and feed it to the dog ! - Howard, there isn't anybody here.
- Sammy told me all about it.
No, Dad.
I was wrong.
So you're protecting him too, huh ? All right, I want the truth.
Right now.
Mom.
Mom, just tell him.
He'll understand.
OK.
OK, Howard I'm ashamed to say that I was going to have an affair, but I sent him away.
- Oh ! For Pete's sake.
- I just couldn't do it.
There he was, sitting across the table.
Ten years my junior.
Tall, athletic.
Boot-cut jeans.
And I said no.
No, I love my husband.
And if I have a problem, I'm going to go home, and I'm going to deal with it.
No.
I'm going to have to deal with it, Regina.
Sammy's right.
I've been neglecting you.
Well, I didn't want to have to be the one to say it, - but maybe a gift now and then.
- Anything.
Howard.
Hi.
Two for lunch ? Right this way.
Sammy's got a job ? I hope they don't give her a urine test.
Psst ! Todd ! Todd ! Sam ? What are you doing here ? Chloe's upstairs.
I know.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
I want to be the one upstairs, Todd.
You know ? Not the one in the plant.
I want something stable, Todd.
I want something where the people love each other so much, they're willing to lie very bizarrely just to protect each other's feelings.
I don't want to sneak around anymore.
So you have to choose.
It's either Chloe or me.
- Wait, I was the one who said - Shh ! We talk too much.
You.
And you know, if I ever want to work, then I am gonna work, you got that, bucko ? Wait.
That thing about touching the plate after the waiter tells you it's hot ? The most exciting time is that moment right before you touch it.
After that, you're just an idiot sitting in a restaurant with a burnt finger.
Hey, Frank.
- Ms.
Newly.
- Big news.
Todd is going to be my boyfriend.
I guess the man's never heard the phrase, "Fool me twice, shame on me.
" Ooh Funny, funny, Frank.
The truth is, as one who's had my share of meals, it's a lot more fun when you're not in pain.