Samantha Who? s02e04 Episode Script

a chae to rebuild your life from the ground up is a pretty big job, especially when there are cracks in your foundation, but an important tool is self-respect, being able to look yourself in the mirror and like what you see.
paper or plastic? hey there.
i was just,um,bringing you guys some food.
i mean,you're always feeding me,so now we are - even.
- you know,if you got a job, you wouldn't have to steal food from your parents.
i'm looking,but i just don't want to have a job.
i want to have the job,you know.
- i mean,i quit my last job because - because you made a lot of money doing bad things.
can i finish? because i made a lot of money doing bad things, but now i just want to do something that is meaningful.
i mean,you're the one who said that i was cut out for better things,right? that was when the leaves were green, look at all the pretty fall colors.
i'm very close.
i sent out my rÉSum?to every single charitable organization and nonprofit in chicago, and i posted it online.
online? you know,if you watched the local news like a normal person, you'd realize that's how the perverts get you.
well,i will take that risk and the creamed corn.
sam,you have six e-mails here from a "mr.
footsiepants.
" ugh! just delete those.
god,he is relentless.
plus,it doesn't matter, because in about 30 minutes, i have an interview with a certain b.
m.
e.
foundation.
they help the poor or the sad or feeble or something.
i was just too excited to rd the whole thing.
hey,sammy.
you look great.
you're definitely gonna get that job.
todd? sammy,it's me.
look me in the eye.
you have to remember your own brother.
seth,i told you she wouldn't think it was funny.
sam,this is seth.
he's an old friend of ours.
okay,mine.
great.
it's nice to meet you.
yeah,he's just,uh,moved back from florida and needs a place to crash.
oh.
okay.
can i talk to you for a sec? yeah.
what are you doing? - he can't crash here.
- why not? - because you're already crashing here.
- no,i'm not crashing here.
i pay rent.
i'm your roommate.
well,then,you know,it's just-it's too many men.
all right,just with you, the soap in the shower looks like a hamster.
this is my home.
i can have friends stay over if i want.
oh,really? well,how would you like it if i just,like,all of a sudden brought home one of my sketchy girlfriends to spend the night? why,is heidi back in town? okay,i don't even want to know.
hey,those are my tweezers by which i mean they are your tweezers.
hi.
here are the shoes you wanted for the interview.
thank you.
how do i look? nothing works.
huh? except those earrings.
can i borrow those,actually? i have a meeting today.
oh,yes.
now i'm gonna be late.
hello,ann-drea.
seth.
oh,god.
it's back.
that's right, and i'm carrying your baby.
i hoped you were dead.
i mean,i heard you were dead, and then i hoped it was true.
well,i don't know if you follow pro basketball, but i just signed on with chicago.
still a towel boy? still a lawyer? that was a good one.
okay,is this better? oh,no,no,no,no,no.
wide belts are out.
look,i'm not just a clich? i keep up.
why am i listening to a thong inspector? hello? hello? is any-hello.
is anybody here? i'm here for the interview.
please don't be perverts.
my mother will never shut up.
five minutes early.
impressive.
though on time would seem less desperate.
oh,my god.
what are you doing here? i'm your interview.
you? you're b.
m.
e.
? best mom ever.
oh! i changed belts three times for this? - and that's the one you picked? - i'm out of here.
- oh,no.
samantha,you're not going anywhere.
- why not? - 'cause i have your keys.
that's why.
- no,give me those.
no,no,no,no,no.
give me them back.
i'll give them back to you once you hear me out.
i have four words to say- "you," "me," "real," "estate.
" i have four more words- "i'll," "take," "the," "bus.
" samantha! samantha.
samantha! now you said you wanted to do good.
what's better than putting families in homes? you like families,don't you? in theory,yes.
they sound a lot better on paper.
look,all we need is your license.
i'll do all the work.
i got us that building back there.
if we sell it, you'll be able to pay your bills for three months with the 30% commission that you're going to make.
you mean 50%.
wow.
i heard you were good.
deal.
no.
no.
i did not leave real estate to go back into real estate.
what kind of mother would i be if i allowed you to starve to death? what are you trying to prove? you finally lost those 5 pounds.
well,what about you? i thought dad didn't want you to work.
well,he also doesn't want his daughter foraging for food in dumpsters like a bear.
i am not a charity case,okay? i am an intelligent and capable woman.
in fact,i happen to have several promising offers from mr.
footsiepants.
okay.
okay.
i will do it.
but just for now.
i know.
i understand.
i know that you don't want to do this foreve but,you know,until you do,listen.
we have a showing tomorrow morning, and i've made up some fake listings so that people will think we've done this before.
no.
no.
no fake anything,all right? i have done that before, and this time,i'm not gonna lie about it, and i'm not going to compromise myself.
understand? absolutely.
no lying of any kind.
okay.
thank you.
starting now.
Samantha Who S2 ep04 ??? - so much light.
- isn't there? you know-oh,and i shouldn't be saying this- but this is our favorite listing.
isn't it,samantha? mm,it's certainly up there.
oh,that sounds terrible,like having a favorite child.
do you have children? no,no,but one day.
mm.
god forbid.
really? 'cause the architecture is fantastic.
it has all the detail of an early hans laqul.
you have a very good eye.
yeah,but it's not.
it's not.
um,actually,the buildings on eher side are, but this one was built about which makes it even more rare.
wow.
your honesty is so refreshing.
isn't it? isn't she just we'll knock off $30,000 if you buy it right now.
apparently,we're in a very unstable market.
funny.
i like that.
another realtor.
awkward.
i'll take it outside.
oh,take your time, give us a chance to call our other buyers.
he seems nice.
yeah.
what are you doing? just improving your curb appeal.
it's obvious he likes you.
let's close this deal.
oh,that is just too bad.
i was really looking forward to working with you.
i'm so sorry we couldn't close the deal.
oh,jeez.
could you get that for me,please? no.
this is what i'm talking about.
i'm not gonna compromise myself for this job,okay? samantha,it's called sales.
real estate is not about selling a building.
it's about selling yourself.
no,selling yourself is actually calledprostitution.
well,real estate is the second-oldt profession.
- no,it's not.
i know i have amnesia, but at least i know that.
it is not.
- is,too.
it's so.
it's- man,those people didn't make me laugh once.
oh.
you know,owen,you must have an awful lot of questions.
why don't the three of us discuss this over drinks? i could do that.
oh,shoot.
you know,it's just gonna be the two of you.
i just remembered i have another showin have fun.
- regina! - not now.
can't talk.
phone's ringing.
senator! um,so if you do plan on bing this building here, i just want you to know that i'm gonna be completely honest with you about all of its faults.
i know.
that's so weird.
are you new at this? no,no,actually,i've been d oing it for quite a while.
i just haven't been working that long with my mom ster.
i- i call my sister "momster.
" oh.
yeah,no.
just 'cause she's kind of like a mother and a-and a monster.
you look hot.
thank you.
let's please just try to keep this about business,okay? no,hot,like yeah.
don't be nervous.
it wastes energy.
plus,when i was in africa, they told me it attracts bees.
you went to africa? oh,that's so funny.
i went to africa.
oh,i mean, um,uh,miami beach,but yeah.
what,uh,why did you go to africa? i was making water with the sun.
wow.
that's really beautiful.
i'm sorry.
what does that mean? i don't know.
it means one of my companies,uh,builds solar still which makes potable water for areas suffering drought.
mm.
so you do good for people.
that's what you do.
well,i try.
mm.
so if someone ever asks you,"what do you do?" you-you just say,"good.
" yeah,that's why i want to get the building, 'cause i want to convert it into solar-powered green spaces, so that low-income families don't have to pay for energy.
can i get some potable water over here? please.
sorry.
i kind of get a little geeky when i talk about this stuff.
no.
no,it's not- it's not geeky at all.
i- i love it.
we should,uh,talk about the building,right? yes.
yes,we should talk about the building.
please don't tell my momster.
oh,we had such a magical night.
we had drinks,and then we had dinner, and then we had coffee,and - then you slept with him to sell him a building.
no.
we spent the entire evening just getting to know each other.
like,his-let's see.
his,um, his middle name is david.
he's allergic to raisins, and he lives this completely green lifestyle.
i mean,his whole house is green.
cept for the ceilings.
they're white.
i tried to have a one-night standon a plane once, but we crossed the international date line, so it ended up being a 2-night stand,but it was not a one-night stand,okay? owen and i had a connection.
ooh.
us,too.
yeah,we switched planes in hong kong.
anywho,oh,he is just such an amazing person.
did i tell you guys that he makes water for thirsty people? i mean,how sexy is that? guys,i really- i think i like him.
i like someone,too-seth.
oh,that's so funny,'cause you also hate seth.
but i like basketball players,and seth can get me to tony dane, my favorite player on the team.
andrea,no.
you're not gonna pretend to like seth to go mee(@a guy,are you? well,i am not trying to sell him a building.
we had a connection.
i slept with him because we care about each other, and we both want to save the world.
those are the only reasons i have sex,too, exceptor the guy on the plane.
i have such a soft spot for copilots.
hey,frank.
- miss newly? - mm-hmm? a nice young man driving an electric car puttered by and left you this.
don't say another word.
don't cheapen this for me,frank.
i had a magical and unforgettable evening.
and at what point where you elected fire chief? samantha newly,what did you do? nothing.
what happened with owen yesterday? yesterday? yesterday? nothing.
nothing.
we had drinks,we talked, we-just it was a little bit of drinking.
it was a lot of talking.
why? because he's not buying the building.
that's why.
he's not? no.
he found another building he likes better.
what other building? nuh-unh! - i thought i told you to charm him.
- i did charm him.
i was very charming.
i bet she charmed the pants off him.
i don't understand.
you've had so much experience.
there must be something wrg with your technique.
oh,my.
my technique is fine,mother.
obviously not.
maybe could show you a thing or two.
no,i'll tell you- i'll tell you who knows how to handle a businessman - your father.
oh,i give up.
frank,see what you can do with her.
having a good day,frank? best of my career.
we should be watching wrestling.
come in! hello,andrea.
you should have been here five minutes ago.
- i was naked from the waist down.
- because he sat on a pizza.
the point is,naked,waist down.
what's going on,andrea? okay.
this may sound stupid, but i was thinking last night- what were you wearing? and i realized that maybe the reason you drive me crazy is that you drive me crazy.
okay.
what? okay.
what? i'm-don't make me say it.
i want to take you to dinner tomorrow night.
oh,come on,seth.
you're not falling for this,are you? your eyes are so brown.
she's up to something.
yeah,and we're gonna get up to something,too, - if you would just shut up.
- you have great hair.
thank you.
no,i'm serious,man.
think about it.
i mean,she's her,and you're you.
meaning what? meaning she's hot,and you're a guy who sits in pizza.
i mean,what are people gonna say when they see you two walking down the street? either "a," i'm super talented ,or "b," i'm super loaded.
or that you're dying,and she's your last wish.
yeah,so dinner tomorrow night?okay.
wear something else.
and how could he not buy the building after i slept with him? well,you didn't sleep with him to make him buy the building.
well,no,of course not.
i slept with him because i like him.
i just kinda thought we were in a different place,you know? like we're in the place where we buy each other's buildings.
thank you.
well,maybe he just likes your building more like a friend.
oh,god.
i can't-i can't believe how stupid i am.
of course.
i mean,why would he- why would he buy the building when he can get the realtor for free? hey,i think you're lucky he didn't buy it.
how am i lucky? because if he did,you'd always be wondering if he did it because he owes you.
oh.
oh,i get that.
yeah.
- you know,like a whore.
- i said i get it.
by his not buying your building, it shows you how much he respects you.
you know,you're right.
you're absolutely right.
wow.
i like him very much now.
hey.
i got your message.
what's up? - good news.
- what? hey.
samantha.
hey,you.
uh,what are you- what are you doing here? i'm buying your building.
- what? - aren't you excited? thrilled.
why don't you just leave the money on the nightstand? what is matter with you? you come back and behave yourself! sorry.
i - are you mad at me? well,no,at first i wasn't,and then i-i was, and then i wasn't again,but yojust couldn't leave that alone,now could you? you'll have to excuse my sister.
she had a major head trauma.
we don't let her use scissors.
i - i didn't want to cause a thing here.
i just wanted to buy the building.
yeah,well,you should have thought of that before you jumped in the sack.
yes,i slept with him.
i hope you're happy,mom.
we hope you're happy,mom.
god rest her soul.
she died when we were really little.
i don't know what you think, but this has nothing to do with what happened between us.
yeah,well,then why did you change your mind? the other altor was lousy in bed.
too soon? sorry.
i just-i just got a bad vibe from the other guy.
i thought he was hiding things.
oh,well,lord knows we don't hide much.
don't start with me.
this was your idea.
i did not tell you to go all the way.
it's not like we're trying to sell a mall.
samantha,i don't know what i did wrong, but i know i did something,and i'm sorry.
and i'd like to make it up to you by not buying the building.
you would do that for me? well,for you,samantha, i would not buy every building in the world.
i'll take off $40,000.
that's it.
thank you.
chili's.
i've passed this place a hundred times.
never thought to come in,though.
no,you're missing out.
i mean,look at this right here.
crispy honey-chipotle chicken crispers.
i mean,you could stop at any one of those words and be very happy.
you know makes me really happy? how handsome you a.
are you doing something different? i do a lot of things different.
some of 'em go over well,some of 'em don't.
and you smell amazing.
you wearing cologne? no,i'm eating a ton of corn.
it makes me smell sweet, like you,you little minx.
oh,my god.
you touched my nose.
how hot.
we should do that dog thing where we eat something until we kiss.
you know what i'm talking about? like this come here.
woof.
woof.
woof.
woof.
woof.
woof.
woof.
no! no.
i cannot do this.
i'm an attorney.
and you're disgusting.
i'm going.
now? before you get a basketball player's phone number? what? excuse me? basketball? i don't know what you're talking about.
all right.
i had you going,though, with the whole woof,woof,woof,woof,woof.
all right.
whose number do you want? i got michael dently's, tony dane's,dante roy's tony dane-that one.
oh,yeah.
no,he's a good guy.
he has a boat.
i love boats.
why are you doing this? - well,i know how this thing ends.
- what thing? look,you're gonna go out with tony, and you're gonna have fun and sex, and he's gonna buy you a lot of blah,blah,blah,blah,blah.
but after a while, you're gonna want something different,something real, someone who cares less about what's out there - and more about what's inside.
- uh,don't touch me.
and i'm gonna be there,'cause i know it's right,and so do you.
you're crazy.
no,i'm right.
no,you're gross.
but this is really good,and i'm taking it.
hey,that's mine.
jeez,if i'd known you were gonna carry me for ten blocks, i wouldn't have had dessert.
no,it's my fault.
i walk everywhere, and i forget that pretty girls like to wear pretty shoes.
i'll call you tomorrow.
one way to build self-respect is to surround yourself with people you admire who also admire you.
- i'm not carrying you to the elevator.
- shh but at the end of the day, no matter how much someone else cares about you, you have to respect yourself, to be able to look yourself in the mirror.
sam,you're home late.
long day? uh.
yeah.
yeah,i was-i was like,"mom,i want to go home," and she was like,"no.
" yeah,i'm exhausted.
night.
i think your roommate has a roommate on the side.
darn it.