Sando (2018) s01e05 Episode Script


1 The board wants you to stand down.
I've been the face of this company for 20 years.
Well, maybe it needs a new face.
Play us a jingle, Don.
UhI do songs now, Vicki.
You write one iconic jingle, and suddenly it defines your whole career.
I seem to remember the master bedroom being pretty cosy.
You were married to her.
Like, there's nothing I need to worry about? I've been burnt too many times to ever go back to Sando.
Oh, yeah.
(sinister music) Sick of being locked into dodgy furniture finance contracts? (clang!) Oh! Well, it's time to break free, with Sando's Break Free Sale.
All: Do 'em a deal, Sando! How about no deposit, no interest, and no repayments for 24 months? It so good .
it's criminal.
(siren blares) Genuine pleather couches, only $299.
Bona-fide oriental buffet, only $199.
Formal Korean barbecue dining sets, only $349.
Don't get trapped, break free, at Sando's Break Free Sale today.
No deposit, no interest, and no repayments for 24 months.
Announcer: Sando's Warehouse.
New stores in Mankinook, Booyong, Shaftwood and Browntown.
She's the Package Deal Queen! Sync& corrections by Alice I can't do this.
It's not right.
Damnit, why can't I quit you? Because you don't want to.
Your sister is my best friend, I can't hurt her feelings.
What about my feelings? I don't love you any less, Eric, but I can't love you anymore.
Then it's over.
I'm shipping out to Quanzhou to become a Shaolin master.
- But that's seven years' training.
- Three at TAFE.
(speaks chinese dialect) No.
Don't go.
(gasps) Eric? Eric? Eric.
Eric! It's OK.
I'm not going to master the ancient ways of kung-fu.
I've been banned from TAFE.
Eric, you need to let me in.
I can't help you, if you don't open up to me.
I have strong feelings for someone.
As in, not your mother? No.
Doesn't matter.
This girl doesn't even know I exist.
Have you talked to her? - Yeah.
- Then she knows you exist.
She knows about this Eric, but she doesn't know this Eric.
- Mmm.
- Nobody does.
Well, have you tried telling her how you really feel? I've always wanted to ask her out, but what if she says no? What if she says yes? Sometimes you have to take a risk.
Now, if a guy asked me out to dinner, I'd say yes.
- You would? - Mm-hm.
Because life's too short for that Eric not to ask that girl out.
You done blubbering about your mummy issues yet, snowflake? - Vic.
- What? The jingle man sent me.
He's waiting for everyone.
I'm a boy, trying to be a man Won't you help me now? Won't you help me now? Won't you help me now? Who's the jingle for? It's not a jingle, it's a song.
Sounds pretty jingle-y to me.
No, it doesn't.
It's a song from my new album.
How many jingles can you fit on an album? Must be heaps.
You could run them continuously like a Hooked On Jingles album.
Right, check this one out.
I'm living the dream but the nightmare is still alive I tried to turn it off but it haunts me when I drive Come on down Listen to my story Come on down Won't you come on down? Sounds just like the other jingle.
What's your album called, Dad? Not sure yet.
Got a few ideas.
Five Leaf Clover.
Um Catch 23.
Commercial Brake - but 'break' spelled like car brake.
(laughs) What about justJingles? Mum, Dad said they're not jingles.
Oh, oh, Dad, what about that? Not a Bunch of Jingles? - Jingle Fever.
- Welcome to the Jingle.
- Mr Bojingles.
- Jingles! You know what? I don't have to put up with this.
I've actually scored a gig down at the White Stag Hotel.
I'm playing my album.
- A paid gig? - Yeah.
It's $400, but still $400? Dad, that's amazing.
Yeah, the publican wanted six but I got him down to four.
Who's the dealmaker now, Sando? So you're paying him? Yeah, pay for play, that's how the industry works.
Now I can see where Eric got his keen eye for business.
I get a cut of the cover charge.
- There's a sausage sizzle.
- So it's a lunchtime show? It's afternoon.
It's the prime 4pm spot.
So after Quiz Time with Professor Pickles the Trivia Clown.
Ooh, clown's a hard act to follow.
And the footy's on.
Then don't come.
If you'll excuse me, I've got to go rehearse somewhere that's not here.
If you want me, you'll have to come to the gig.
(mobile phone ringtone) Let's go Sando! Hear that? Better than any song.
Excuse me.
Hello, Tony.
Let me find somewhere private to talk.
Sack me? I thought you said it was temporary.
Well, it's not my decision, Sando.
It's the board's.
They want a get-together next week to finalise.
But the business is named after me.
I think there might be another option.
Oh, right.
What, you and me on a leather couch with wine and cheese? - No, thank you.
- You missed that opportunity.
No, I think I can convince the board to not sack you and instead maybe keep you on for another six months.
Oh, right.
At which time you step aside citing exhaustion, maybe a gambling addiction, a complicated women's health issue.
And you usher me in as the CEO.
You're not high from sniffing a Birchgrove lounge set, are you? Tony, Tony, Tony.
Let me do you a deal.
I'm not haggling with you, because I'm not a customer.
In fact, I'm the opposite to a customer.
I could have been the Package Deal King with you, Sando.
We could have ruled this place together.
But guess what? You didn't see me.
So right now, I have formalised the paperwork.
I want you down here by 3:30 this afternoon to sign it.
If you are one millisecond late, the deal is off the table.
Tony, listen, I (hangs up) Shit! (gasps) Mummy? Oh, too cute.
Shit, shit.
(sighs) Stupid key.
(sighs) G'day, Don.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I just, ah, thought I'd come out and see how you're doing, you know.
Because all that stuff in there, I just hope our feedback was helpful.
Yeah, about as helpful as a two-legged chair.
(laughs) That's funny.
Oh, you're good with words.
That's why you're such an excellent jingle writer, you know? I don't know why you're ashamed of it.
It's what the world needs, is people like you.
You need people like me.
I gave up everything for you, you know? I raised those kids while you worked.
I gave up my career to wrote your jingles.
I even took your surname.
Yeah, because it was good for business.
You were never going to make it with a name like Donald Sackryder.
It's pronounced Sa-ckryder, OK? It's Viking heritage.
It means strong and noble.
Did Vikings chant catchy war cries as they went into battle, did they? I want you to go, now.
OK, yeah.
Because I've got something really important to prep for later.
No, Vicki, I want you to leave for good.
- Shit.
- What? That's the only key and that's the only way out.
But I have an extremely important business meeting this afternoon.
And I have a gig this evening.
- Lunchtime.
- After lunch.
- Susie! - (yells) Help! Rian, come out, sweetie.
Mm-mm! You're hurting mummy's feelings.
You're making Mummy think that you don't value Mummy's time.
Leave me alone! Alright, I'll do you a deal.
You come out and I will buy you Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Do a deal? I thought you didn't want us doing deal parenting because of, you know who? Oh, my God.
I just She wouldn't come out, I'm running late for a potential investor.
I justI'm sorry.
An investor? Great! Who? No-one important.
Probably actually a waste of time.
But speaking of which, I really have to go.
Sweetie, come out of there.
How do I know you're not Mummy just changing her voice to sound like Daddy? Well, would Mummy say, if you come out now, I'll take you to the comic book store to get you the new Freya the Funky Fairy series you want? Why are you so upset at Mummy? Did you know she's a goblin? (laughs) SweetieMummy's not a goblin.
Goblins don't exist.
They're make-believe, likeSanta.
Santa's not real? Oh, no, Santa's real, very real.
Couldn't be realer.
Come on, Rian, this is silly.
Is this? Mummy.
It's obviously fake.
It's been photoshopped or something.
People aren't born with pointy ears like this.
Goblins are.
(blender whirrs) Oh, Eric! You scared me.
I decided to take your advice and ask the girl I like out for dinner.
Good for you.
So how are you going to do it? OK.
How about, "Would you like to have dinner with me?" Perfect.
But try it for me again and, um, maybe just a little more human-y and a little less .
Would youlike tohave dinner? That's still robot-y.
Would you like to have dinner with me? Would I ever? See? You did it! Now quite that wasn't so hard, was it? - So, what you're saying is - I'm saying you nailed it.
How could a girl say no to that? You'd better get yourself ready for a date, mister.
Tonight? Why not? Strike while the iron's hot.
Now, remember, don't stress.
I want you to be yourself, and everything will be fine.
Be myself? Be myself.
Be yourself? That's the worst advice I've ever heard.
- Why? - Seriously? Look, you're a grown man who lives at home, collects action dolls and wants to have a Star Wars-themed wedding.
Star Wars wedding, where did you get that stupid idea? Hey, give that back! All I'm saying is, you suck the girl in on the pretence of being someone cool.
And after you've trapped her into marrying you, then you can be yourself.
But not before.
What do you know? You're 10.
I'm 10, but I've already had 11 girlfriends and one fiancee.
- One fiancee? - Danica from nippers.
Whoo, man, she wanted to get married when we turned 16, start a family! Man, I couldn't commit.
I hate kids.
(text alert) Kev's here, gotta bounce.
Seriously, take my advice.
I'll see you in a week.
Got a sec? - Where did you get this? - Rian found it.
I thought Susie torched all these.
Yeah, the names she used to get called.
" Mum really came up with some pearlers.
What are you doing? Trust me, if that gets out, that's what your marriage is going to look like.
You must never talk about goblin ears again.
Do you understand? I did - one Christmas.
She threw the turkey knife right across the table.
She was nine.
I'll never forget the rage in her eyes.
Sometimes, I wonder if she really is a goblin.
Goblins don't exist.
Except in New Zealand.
That's why they filmed The Hobbit there.
Eric, that's a movie.
Yes, Gary, I know.
So, why doesn't Susie have goblin ears anymore? Dr Durkel, German, amazing plastic surgeon.
He did my nose.
It used to be much smaller.
Now I can finally wear adult sunglasses.
(no sound) Heeeeeeeelp! If only the builder had done a dodgy job on the sound-proofing like he did on the house renovations.
There is no reception in here with the door closed.
It's like a bloody padded cell in here.
Yeah, well, I like peace and quiet.
We're just going to have to wait for someone to come.
Who? They all think I stormed out and left the house.
Because you stormed out and left the house.
If I'm late for this gig, Vicki I don't think that your gold coin donation sausage sizzle is nearly as important as the future of my company.
Here we go again, always making it about you.
You know what? You're addicted to you.
Addicted to you? It sounds like a Nicabate jingle.
You should write that one up.
- I write songs.
- Songs? More like mid-life crisis power ballads.
I am not having a mid-life crisis.
Oh, OK? Well, so what's Nikki then? Your long-lost soul mate? Nikki is not a mid-life crisis, OK? Nikki is the reason I have an album.
She's why I've got my mojo back.
- The wind beneath your wings.
- Yeah.
I've never been more creative than I have been in the past month and it's because of her.
Don, do the maths.
She's been living here for years.
I've been here for a month and I'm your wind.
Maybe you're too gutless too admit it, but we both know .
I've always been your muse.
(stifled laugh) That's just (laughs) That's Aha! - I knew I had a spare.
- Thank Christ for that.
Can get out of this sad man den.
You really need to get to this meeting, don't you? Yes, I think I have made that abundantly clear.
You know what? Maybe it's time I made it about me for once.
(gulps) Donald Sandringham nee Sackryder, what have you done? (laughs) Anything else? A hearing aid, perhaps? Uhyeah, yeah, sorry.
Rian, do you want to go grab a couple more comic books? - Yeah! - OK.
- Hey, can I ask a question? - Yep.
Goblins aren'taren't real, are they? I meanright? I mean, it's nonsense, isn't it? I was just looking at that poster Does this look like nonsense to you, mate? (maniacal laughter on phone) - What's with her today? - Hm? Hey, babe, can you help? So the sit-down with the investor went really well today.
He totally gets my business model.
I think he might be the answer, babe.
Can youscratch something for me? Because I've got my gloves Uh, sure.
It's just behind my ear.
Hurry, it's driving me nuts.
Ow! What am I, a sausage? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
(high-pitched squeal) I can't believe you.
You drew blood.
I can't believe you - do you even have any blood? What are you talking about? What you're not talking about - the little secret you've been keeping.
I'm sorry.
I was gonna to tell you.
- And then I didn't.
- Great.
So if I didn't see any photographic evidence I never would have found out.
Photographic? You had someone spy on me? - Did I? - It's just business, Gary.
Oh, and what business is that? Making the world think that goblins don't exist.
- My meeting with Kevin? - Kevin? My potential investor is Kevin, that's who I met with today.
What are you talking about? I wasn't talking about Kevin, but I will .
at some point need to talk about Kevin.
I'm talking about this.
Where did you get that? Our daughter thinks you're a goblin! And you do too.
Don't you, Gary? - No.
- Well, my jig is up.
You've discovered my dark shame, our seven-year-old is right.
- I am a goblin.
- Really? I'm afraid so.
I just I didn't know how to tell you I eat small cats and live under a bridge.
Of course I'm not a goblin, Gary! I know.
I know.
It's just that, it got stuck in my head and I can't get it out.
I was born with Stahl's Ear.
It's an extra cartilage fold scaphoid portion of the ear, commonly known as 'pointy ear'.
It took me a long time to get over it.
Did Kevin know about your ears? - Yeah.
- Right.
So, you could tell him, the one who cheated on you.
But not me, your husband who you love and trust, apparently.
You know what? - This is pointless.
- Yeah? Well, if your ears had been, we wouldn't be arguing.
(weeps) That is hurtful.
(sighs) Pointy ears.
Bloody key's gone down the wrong way.
Is there a right way for a key to go down? No bourbon, no whisky - what kind of man cave is this? Ooh, dessert wine.
That answers my first question.
Don't you open that.
That is expensive stuff.
- Vicki, what are you up to? - Drink up.
I am going to get you so pissed that you spew your guts out and the key with it.
Should only take half a glass.
Oh, you still think I'm an easy drunk? Well, you never could drink me under the table.
What about your 40th? Well, I had half a slab before we even got there.
Yeah, I found that out on the drive over after you rear-ended that Mr Whippy van and the cops showed up.
Oh, that's right.
And we had to switch seats.
Once again, I took the fall.
For me.
Why is that? Sando: Oof.
I think I forgot to vomit.
I think I forgot to make you.
I wonder who they'll get to replace me at the gig.
I hear Daryl Braithwaite's back on the scene.
I'll be honest with you Donny, you're no Ed Sheeran onstage, but you're bloody Mick Jagger in the sack.
How do you know that? I just, you know, heard.
Don Mm? Get your axe.
That's not an axe, that's an electric guitar.
Some rock star.
Ow! That's a '63 Les Paul! Don't worry, Don.
I'll get you another one.
You can't.
It belonged to .
Jimmy Page! Yes.
Through the floor.
Watch this! Oh, God.
I got through the floor! (text message alert) It does sound better.
Eric! Are you having your date here? Oh, look at you.
She's going to be very impressed.
- Is she? - She is.
Does she like roses? Ah, probably.
Then why won't she take it? - Because she's not here.
- She's right in front of me.
I'm right in front ofyou.
Should we kiss now? (man turns footy off, crowd groans) Hey! What's going on? P.
: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome legendary singer-songwriter, it's Donny Sandringham.
Go nuts! (silence) G'day everyone.
This first one is Oh! I swallowed a key earlier.
Long story.
- Oh - Nah, doesn't matter.
Go on.
This is a new one.
It's called Addicted To You.
Well, I saw you at the milk bar drinking a thickshake And I said, "Hey who's that?" (all groan) - Then you walked out - Woman: What is shit! So I put the jukebox on and started dancing right where you sat Because I'm addicted to you Addicted to you Addicted to you Because I'm (groans painfully) Oh! Stupid key! Hey, buddy, do you know what I'm addicted to? The footy, so shut up! (all laugh) You're a nobody.
Get off! - Off! - All chant: Off! Off! Off! Is this the crowd singalong bit? Off! Off! Off! Off! Sorry I'm late, had some shopping to do.
Off! Off! Off! Alright, let's do Operation Save Don's Arse.
I'm going to set off the fire alarm, you get him off the stage! Wait, wait, look.
Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Oh, yeah, a nobody, am I? (crowd continues chanting "off!") Well, who wrote this? Let's go Sando Come on down to Sando's And build yourself a dream The price is low and away we go She's the Package Deal Queen (all sing along) Come on! Let's go Sando! Whoo! Yeah! (cheering and applause) I actually love that jingle, it's so catchy and fun.
Oh, yeah, you like jingles? Then here's a few Aussie classics.
The cats of Australia have made their choice Snappy Tom, Snappy Tom (all sing along) At Snappy Tom time, they're all of one voice Snappy Tom, Snappy Tom (crowd cheers) Slip, slop, slap Slip on a shirt, slop on sunscreen and a slap on a hat Slip, slop, slap In the sun this summer say - "Slip, slop, slap.
" (cheering) Yes, Donny! For anything mechanical, we've got it All: They'll fix the car! Lubemobile will come to you That's 13 30 32 That's 13 30 32! (crowd cheers) Ooh! (groans) All chant: Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! Good on you, jingle man.
Oh, shit, the key's coming.
Take me to the dunny.
Now! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Dunny! Oh They're lovely, thank you.
Wait, where's Daddy told me you're not a goblin - you're a magical fairy elf.
I promise I won't tell anyone.
(phone rings) Sorry.
Tone Bone.
Well, I hope you're parking your car because this deal is off in exactly five minutes.
Let me do you a deal.
There is no deal.
See you at the board meeting, bye-bye.
(Donny groans and farts painfully) (key jingles on porcelain) Oh! That's better out than in.
(flushes dunny) Come on down to Sando's And build yourself a dream Price is low and away we go She's the Package Deal Queen Let's go Sando's! Got any CDs, bro? Well, my album should be out in about No, no, no.
The jingles.
Just the jingles, bro.
Let's get a photo.
(shutter clicks) No.
(Donny singing 'Addicted to You')