Sanford and Son (1972) s02e05 Episode Script

Oh, you miserable Hello? Good morning, Bubba.
Yeah, he's up.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I just passed his room and the snoring has stopped and the groaning has started, so he's up.
I don't have time to talk to you now 'cause I'm fixing myself some breakfast.
What? I'm having some eggs.
Yeah, fried.
No potatoes, Bubba.
And coffee.
And toast, Bubba.
Whole wheat, Bubba.
I gotta hang up now, okay? Good-bye.
Listen, don't say it.
Don't say one word.
If you do, the headlines in tomorrow's paper will be "Son Goes Berserk And Attacks Old Man.
" - What are you talking about? - This dumb breakfast I just ruined.
Why can't you cook breakfast? It's your tooth that's bad, not your hands.
And speaking of that tooth, when are you gonna do something about it? This has been going on for over a week, and it's not getting better.
I don't want no dentist to be foolin' around in my mouth.
Why not? They make me nervous.
All them drills and chisels and screwdrivers they be sticking down your mouth.
They don't even care if they hurt you.
They just yank you and thank you.
That's the way it used to be.
Nowadays they give you one of them needles and you don't know what hit you.
- Now I know I ain't goin'.
- Well, why not? Are you kiddin'? A needle? I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff.
It'd change me from Friendly Fred toJunkieJoe.
No.
They give you a shot of Novocain.
Novocain? What for? It deadens your mouth.
And in your case, that sounds like a terrific idea.
Ain't nobody gonna give me no shot to deaden my mouth or nothin' else.
Everything stays alive.
You're just gonna walk around here looking like a big, foolish rabbit.
I'm gonna start calling you Bugs Bunny.
Don't worry.
I'll cure it.
What do you think they did before they had dentists? They hollered a lot.
And finally all their teeth fell out.
And they spent the rest of their days sitting in a cave gumming grits.
- Who is that? - Bubba.
He's bringing me something.
Come on in.
- Good morning, Fred.
- Morning, Bubba.
- Did you get it? - Right here, old buddy.
The old asafetida bag.
- That stuff is strong.
- It's supposed to be.
That's how you know when you got a good batch.
What do I do with it, Bubba? Put it upside my cheek? That's all.
Just lay it up beside the sore side.
Let me take a look at that sore side.
That's ugly.
- Where you looking at? - On the left side, toward the front.
That is ugly.
It's on the right side, toward the back.
That's ugly too.
You got a lot of ugliness in your mouth.
- At least mine is on the inside, Bubba.
- Yeah? - I was only kiddin'.
- Okay, Fred.
- Thanks a lot.
- Okay, Fred.
- Hope your tooth gets better.
- I hope so too.
See ya.
Hey, son.
Wanna know how I'm gonna cure my toothache without goin' to the dentist? Here's how.
Good Lord, Pop, what is that? It's a toothache remedy Bubba got from his grandmother.
- That stinking stuff? What's it called? - Stinking stuff.
And that's gonna cure your toothache? What's inside it? It's an "asafisity" bag.
- A what? - It's an "asafisity" bag.
See, it wards off all kind of illnesses like cold and flu and pneumonia and toothaches.
Yeah, what's inside that bag? It got the shell from a rotten egg and a rotten yolk from a rotten egg and the end of a rotten carrot and a whole clove of garlic rotten.
You wear that thing and a garbage truck will pick you up.
- What you say? - Don't come near me with that thing.
Stay away from me.
That smells terrible.
I don't know how you can wear that.
If I feel If your tooth isn't better when I come back, you're gonna go to the dentist.
You got that? I'm not gonna argue.
Don't come near me.
I'm not gonna argue.
You are going to the dentist.
Don't come near me.
- I don't wanna go to no dentist.
- Get that smell outta this house.
Wait a minute, son.
Pop, you home? Pop, you up there? You are getting sleepy.
Sleepy.
You are completely relaxed.
You will follow my instructions, and you will be completely relaxed.
When you awaken from this experience you will be completely relaxed and without pain.
The pain will be gone.
No more pain.
Say, what is going on in here? You big dummy.
See what you did? You broke the spell.
What are you doing? He was hypnotizing me outta my pain.
You messed it up.
- Hypnotizing? - Right.
It's a friend of Bubba's.
He's a trained hypnotist.
Professor Poag.
- Professor Sylvester Poag.
- And you're a hypnotist.
- Among other things.
- What does that mean? I'm also a handwriting expert, a public accountant and a hairstylist.
And you gonna hypnotize my father out of his toothache.
He was doing it too.
Then you walked in, and the pain came back.
Not in my mouth, but a lot further down.
Pop, are you serious? Do you actually think you can get rid of a toothache with hypnosis? - I actually think so.
- I don't believe this.
Why are ye fearful, oh ye of little faith? Are you also a minister? I'm a minister, a justice of the peace and a reformed rabbi.
See? Come on, Professor.
Let's get on with it.
Listen.
If you gonna stay, you gonna have to hush because this room is being used for hypnosis.
Let's go, Professor.
All right.
Now, keep your eye on the swinging pendant.
You will find yourself getting completely relaxed.
You will do as I say, and I will rid you of your pain.
You will do as I say, Mr.
Sanford, and I will rid you of your pain.
Are you ready to do as I say? Very well then.
I want you to raise your right arm and hold it straight out.
When I count to three, you will raise your right arm.
It will become rigid, stiff as a board.
You will not be able to move it.
One, two, three.
Mr.
Sanford, you weren't concentrating.
You must help me.
Now, I'm gonna ask you to raise your left arm.
Your left arm.
It will become rigid, stiff as a board.
You will not be able to move it.
When I count to three, you will raise your left arm.
One, two, three.
What's the matter, Mr.
Sanford? I can't concentrate.
My son here What happened? Your son is obviously a willing subject.
He's in a state of hypnosis.
- You're kidding.
- No, it's a fact.
- You mean, he'll do anything you say? - Just about.
Tell him to fly out of here.
No.
What I'd better do is snap him out of it.
Young man, when I count to three, you will lower your arms and you will feel better than you've ever felt before.
One, two, three.
Well, I'm still waiting.
Yeah, you big dummy.
While you was waitin', he hypnotized you.
What are you talking about? That's right.
You was standing there with your arms spread out.
All you needed was some tail feathers and you'd look like a buzzard.
And you expect me to believe that? You don't have to believe it.
I saw you.
You stood glass-eyed like T.
J.
When he found out he was drafted.
Wasn't he? - He was out.
- That's right.
- You care to go on, Mr.
Sanford? - No, that little bit did me swell.
I sure appreciate your dropping by.
I feel good.
Say, Professor, how much do I owe you? Because of the interruptions, I'll only charge you two dollars.
Two dollars.
- And I'll have a tiny shot if it's okay.
- Sure, go right ahead.
Thank you.
I'm also an alcoholic.
I know you're not gonna believe this, but that guy made my tooth feel better.
That's great.
If your tooth is okay, then you can have some lunch.
But I ain't hungry.
Well, if your tooth is all right, how about drinking some ice water? I ain't thirsty either.
Listen.
If you drink this ice water then that means I won't have to call up the dentist.
If you drink this, your tooth is all right.
Drink some ice water.
- I'll do it, but just to satisfy you.
- You're gonna love that.
How's your tooth feel? Okay? Is your tooth okay? Are you sure your tooth is okay? Well, let me see you smile.
Your tooth is okay.
You can eat anything.
I won't have to call a dentist.
How about some peanut brittle? Wait a minute.
How about some ice cream? Some ice cream, Pop? Huh? Where you goin'? I don't understand.
If the tooth is all right, where you goin'? I told you, I don't wanna see no doctor 'cause my tooth don't hurt no more.
It's that old story.
Once you get to the dentist's office, the pain stops.
- Sit down.
- I will not.
What? You're gonna have to sit down when the doctor examines you.
No, I ain't.
I'm gonna be in a running position.
I don't know why you didn't let me see the hypnotist again.
He was a lot cheaper than this.
Pop, this is a city clinic.
It's free.
So is an autopsy free.
You don't see me running down there trying to get none, do you? Would you sit down? - I don't wanna sit down.
- Sit down over there.
What? What's that? - Sounds like a drill to me.
- Then I know I ain't staying here.
Sit down.
Lamont, listen.
Listen to that.
That sound like one of them drills they use in an aircraft plant.
If the doctor's hand slipped, wham! It's a hole in my head.
You mean another hole in your head.
If you don't stay right where you are and get this over with I'm not going back home, and I'm not going back to work.
Is that clear? - Yeah, it's clear.
- Good.
- Just one thing.
- What? - I'll do it, but under one condition.
- And that is? I want a white dentist.
- What did you say? - You heard me.
I want a white dentist.
What makes you think you're gonna get a black dentist? You said it's a free clinic, didn't you? Where do you think you find black dentists? In Beverly Hills? Wasn't you the guy that told me that you didn't want nothing white but milk? My tooth wasn't hurtin' then.
Explain to me why you want a white dentist all of a sudden.
Because I want the best available dentist for my tooth.
That's why.
Now, just by coincidence, the best dentist schools are of the white people, by the white people and for the white people.
Don't it seem likely that the best dentists would be white? White dentist, please.
Do you know that Dr.
Charles Drew the man that developed blood plasma, was a black man? And that the first successful open-heart surgery was performed by a black man? If I need blood plasma or open-heart surgery, I'll get a black man.
But right now, I want a white man for my tooth.
Do you realize you're turning your back on the brothers? Who? No, I ain't.
A brother's all right for a drinking buddy but for my tooth I want a white dentist.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
May I help you? Yeah.
I called about an appointment for my father.
The name is Sanford.
Oh, yes.
May I ask you a few questions? And may I ask you one? Pardon me? Do you just go out with dentists or could you squeeze in a junk dealer? - Would you stop that and sit down? - Oh, shut up.
Sit down.
You have to forgive my father.
He was making a little joke.
I know.
I'm sure that toothache isn't letting him think about much else.
Listen, honey.
I don't have no toothache all the time.
Say, what you doing tonight? - Didn't I tell you to stop it? - I'm talking to her, not you.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Sanford, how long have you had this trouble? Ever since he was born.
I'm warning you, Pop.
I was talking about the pain you're having.
That's what I'm talking about.
My son, the pain.
Would you stop it? Your tooth, Mr.
Sanford.
How long has it been giving you trouble? It's been giving me trouble a couple of days, but it's all right now.
- So I guess we can go, huh? - No, we can't.
Now sit down.
You can go in now.
We'll complete your card after the dentist is finished.
Right this way, please.
- Go ahead and ask her.
- I beg your pardon? Nothing.
My father was just wondering who his dentist was gonna be.
It'll be someone good.
We have an excellent staff here.
No, what I mean is, where do these dentists come from? Most from around here in California.
But we do have a few from other countries.
Canada, Mexico.
Africa? Why do you always have to do stuff like that? Sit in this chair, Mr.
Sanford.
What we gonna do, eat now? This is just a little protection.
The dentist will be with you in just a moment.
Did you hear that? Just for protection.
It's for blood.
- Stop.
It is not.
- It is.
See? They butcher your mouth, then you lean over here and bleed in this sink.
And when it's finished draining out ya, there you are, dead.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I'm dead.
Here you go, Mr.
Sanford.
All right, if you will open, please? Doc, wait.
My tooth don't hurt no more, honest.
My tooth don't hurt no more.
- Let's look anyway.
Open, please.
- You're the dentist here, huh? Yes, I am.
Will you open, please? - How long you been a dentist? - Quite some time.
Did you go to school or take a correspondence course.
You'll have to forgive my father, Doctor.
He's a little nervous.
I understand.
But, Mr.
Sanford, in order for me to know what I have to know so I can get down to business, you will have to open.
Until I know what I have to know, the business stays closed.
All right.
I think I know what your problem is.
Excuse me, please.
What is wrong with you? You just insulted that man.
He's obviously a qualified dentist or he wouldn't be with the title "doctor.
" I'm ashamed of you, Pop.
Okay.
You got the shame, he got the title but this is my mouth.
If you don't wanna get your tooth fixed, get up and leave.
Okay, I will leave here.
I don't need this.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Aha.
Here we go.
Excuse me a minute while I wash up.
See the difference between him and that other guy right away? Yeah, it's like night and day.
I ain't talking about that.
I'm talking about washing his hands.
I like that.
Listen.
Humming, singing.
Happy and humming.
Now, Mr.
Sanford.
Let's have a look and see what the problem is.
Anything you say, Doc.
I bet your father's a dentist too.
Where'd you all go to school, Harvard? No, my father's not a dentist.
He's an electrician.
Actually, I got started in dentistry through a correspondence course.
What? I got started that way.
Then, of course, I went on to a university.
Oh.
And then you went to Harvard.
No, I went to night school at City College.
Open, please.
That's ugly.
Mr.
Sanford, this is a little more complicated than I thought.
Would you excuse me a minute? I want to check this out very carefully.
Were you happy with that joker? He sounds terrific.
City College at night.
You heard him, didn't you? He's gonna check it out.
Business.
These people are all business.
I don't care anymore.
I just want to get this over with and get out of here.
Mr.
Sanford, that tooth is in a tricky position and you should be in the best possible hands.
I've asked Dr.
Rogers to take over.
He's the head of oral surgery.
Hello, brother.
Now, Mr.
Sanford, if you'll open your mouth nice and wide so I can get your foot out first.
Open your mouth.
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Pop.
- Your tooth feel okay today? - Great.
They do good work at the clinic.
Hey, I hope you learned something from that, Pop.
When something is wrong with you, you go to a doctor or a dentist.
It doesn't matter who he is or where he comes from.
- Let science take care of it.
- I couldn't agree with you more.
That's right.
This is 1972.
All of those old home remedies were from way back when man didn't know better.
Yeah, that's that old-time stuff.
What is this? It's from the telephone company.
"Due to an error in last month's billing we are enclosing a refund in the amount of $5.
25.
" - A refund for me? - That's right.
- Then it's true.
It's true, isn't it? - What's true? You know that tooth I had pulled? They say if you sleep with a pulled tooth up under your pillow that the good fairy will bring you some money.
So you are the good fairy.
So, give me my money, good fairy.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.