Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

The Queen of England

Oh, it is a good thing we moved Gary because the geologist at the project site seems pretty sharp, and I think she would've noticed a talking head.
I, too, have news.
I've broken ground on our bookshelves.
And I got the last of the cherry wood at the lumber yard.
Met a guy in the parking lot who offered to build them for 50 bucks, but I said, "No, sir, I need to do this myself, and you are not wearing shoes.
" Mm.
I'm thinking about this for the design.
Those are the bookshelves in the Nazi's house.
- You wanna build Nazi bookshelves? - The bookshelves weren't Nazis.
If anything, those shelves were Nazi-occupied.
Mm, okay.
So, you wanna take a break and go kill Gary? Sure, I could take a break.
Great, and then I can go grocery shopping for our dinner with Lisa, and you can spend the rest of the day building your Nazi bookshelves.
And maybe we just call them "bookshelves.
" [SHEILA] That might be hard.
When we returned her car, Kayla was so excited.
She can't wait to get to Michigan and start her new life.
And her baby is so adorable.
- [CHUCKLES] - So cute.
I could eat her with a spoon.
- I would never eat her with a spoon.
- Oh, Hailey.
Look at her.
She's growing up so fast! She's gonna be taller than me soon.
She already is.
- So, wow, closure! Isn't that great? - I love it.
So, we have a few thoughts on your "departure.
" There's a beautiful overlook at the top of Pike's Ridge that we sometimes hike to.
[SHEILA] Yeah, we could lay you down in a meadow of wildflowers.
And as the butterflies say goodbye to the morning dew So, too, will we say farewell to Gary West.
- Yeah, I don't wanna do that.
- Well, we know you also like porn.
You could watch a few girls go at it for a while, and we could shoot you in the back of the head.
There are no wrong choices.
- No, I don't want to die at all.
- What? But But Hey, hang on.
What I think Joel is saying is, "But But Hey, hang on.
You said if we gave the deed to Kayla, you'd be ready to go.
" I've been thinking about it, and I want to live to see Kayla turn her life around.
I want to see Hailey grow up.
You're a talking head in a flower vase.
Still better looking than you, buddy! - Not in a swimsuit.
- Guys! How do you have so much testosterone without balls? She asked you a question, Joel.
I say we open a window, put him on the sill, and crack him like a walnut.
I feel like my life could still have meaning.
Put an iPad in front of me.
I can follow Kayla's life on Instagram and Facebook.
Look, I know we didn't shake on this deal, but we had an agreement.
If you guys want to kill me, I can't stop you.
I mean, it is two against one.
All I'm saying is, I don't wanna die.
He doesn't want to die.
I know, but we can't keep a head in our basement forever.
I know, but we can't kill him if he's begging us not to.
- I know! - So, we're on the same page.
- The same shitty page.
- Then why are we fighting? We're not fighting.
We're having a heated agreement.
Good morning, adults.
How am I? Well, something happened yesterday you might wanna know about.
What was it? I met another undead person.
Oh, crap.
You found Gary.
And, boy, way to keep it interesting, guys.
But I was actually talking about the girl who dated Eric for five minutes.
- Ramona.
- What? Ramona? Rite Aid girl is undead? How's that even possible? - Did you bite her? - No! I don't just run around biting people.
I've never even met her.
- Well, if you didn't bite her - Then how did she get sick? Oh, my God! If we find out what you two have in common We might finally understand what happened with me.
I know! And figure out how this all started! I know! And see if other people have it! I know! - It could be spreading.
- That's what I'm saying.
Then why does it feel like we're still fighting? Yeah, that's weird.
We have to talk to Ramona.
- Any idea where she lives? - Yeah.
- I can take you there.
- No, give us the address.
- You need to go to school.
- Seriously? Guys, come on.
- Include me.
- Your mother's right.
One person in this family should have a normal life.
Not totally normal.
Someone's getting chocolate milk in their lunch today.
- Ooh.
- Fine, I'll go to school.
Oh, can I ask one question about the head in our basement? - Sure.
- What the fuck? Well, Gary was the first person I sampled, and we didn't know we had to kill the brain.
Destroying the brain is literally the one thing that everybody knows about the undead.
You were there when we buried him! I didn't see you picking up a stake! - [DOOR SLAMS] - Yeah.
Maybe we make Gary's life so unpleasant he wants to die.
Well, we already took his body away.
What are we gonna do? Stop brushing his teeth? You brushed his teeth? We don't want that hole in his cheek to get any bigger.
Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't get back to your bookshelves.
- I could've talked to Ramona myself.
- No, I should be here.
Besides, if this is the rise of the undead and the end of humankind, - we may not need bookshelves.
- Yeah, well, I'll still wanna read.
Do you remember me? I'm Joel.
And this is my wife, Sheila.
Hello, Sheila.
It's nice to finally meet you.
It's great to meet you, Ramona.
Here, let me help you with that.
We just wanted to talk to you about - Jesus Christ.
- No, thank you, I'm not religious.
There are body parts in here.
Yeah, that's my lunch.
Why don't we go inside? - Hey, Eric.
How you holdin' up? - I'm okay.
No, I'm not.
I'm really bummed about Ramona.
- Yeah, I'm sorry that happened to you.
- [SIGHS] So, my parents freaked out when I told them about her.
They're going to her apartment.
Really? To tell her she never should've dumped me? Sure.
I love your parents.
Your dad's the best.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS] You've been out of school a couple days.
You ready to be here? Honestly, everything's been so intense.
There is a talking head in my basement.
Tell you about that later.
I'm actually looking forward to a day without any life-and-death issues.
Abby, you're here.
Thank God.
There is a crisis.
Cindy tore her shorts while twerking to win this bet, and now she has nothing to wear to gym.
And Talia definitely has an extra pair, but she is being a total cunt about it.
Well, Sarah, everything's gonna be fine 'cause I have an extra pair of shorts in my locker.
Oh, my God.
You are literally saving her life.
Feel like I'm on vacation.
- So, how long have you been like this? - About three weeks.
[GASPS] Same with me.
Great! And what did you do in the days before you turned? Maybe there's something you two have in common.
It was pretty uneventful.
I went to the dry cleaners.
- Me too.
Which one? - Manny's.
Oh, we go to Chazz's.
They're good with denim, and - they serve hot dogs.
- What else? Uh I dropped a pumpkin off of a roof with my cousin.
- What else? - I saw a cloud that looked like Charlie Brown, but my friend didn't think so.
I once saw a cloud that looked like Snoopy.
- That's fun.
- I don't see this helping.
Come on, Ramona.
Where did you go where you might've been exposed to a virus? The day before I got sick, I went to my former job as an auctioneer.
- You were an auctioneer? - Why? Did you go to an auction? No, it's just really hard to picture.
I had a natural gift for it.
The high energy, the rapid-fire musicality of the presentation.
It was very exciting.
I hated it.
I always dreamed of being a slower, duller person, but was never brave enough to make it happen, until now.
I always wanted to be bolder, and now I am.
And Loki was a criminal, and he wanted to be folk singer.
- And Gary - Is an asshole.
Who wants to be a better person.
By dying, we get to be the people we've always wanted to be.
- I like who I am now.
- Me too.
I don't care how it happened.
Why do you? Because you're eating human flesh, and I just don't think a lot of people should be running around doing that.
I used to be high-strung and judgy like you.
You need to relax.
- Sheila, would you like some jogger? - Where did you get that guy? Rocky Peak Park.
That's where I get all my joggers.
So, you're the one that killed the guy there last week.
You left half a body behind.
You have to take all the pieces with you, Ramona.
Otherwise, it attracts attention, and that's bad for all of us.
But people have so many parts.
I know, it's hard.
I would've been caught a long time ago if I didn't have Joel to help me.
But you don't have a Joel, so you have to be a little more careful.
I have a question for you.
- Did you ever throw up a red ball? - Yes.
Wasn't that weird? - Where do you keep yours? - In the freezer.
The freezer? Doesn't it get lonely? Lonely? - Oh, my God! - What the fuckity-fuck is that? Your ball grew legs? I left it on a counter for a few days, and when I came back, it had legs.
I call it "Mr.
Ball Legs.
" I'm ready to go home.
Ooh, tater tots! Oh, no, someone touched this one.
[PHONE VIBRATES] Ugh, Christian posted about Janie again.
[ABBY] What's going on? It's honestly so sad.
So, Janie and Christian got into a fight at Meghan-with-an-H's party, right? And then he breaks up with her in front of everyone.
And then he hooks up with Chess Club Megan in the media room.
Janie sent him, like, a million texts begging him to take her back, and now he's posting screenshots of all her texts online.
[LAUGHTER] Could you imagine? I mean, I would literally die.
Wow, that's really shitty.
[SARAH] Janie cried yesterday in history class.
Such a pretty crier.
So pretty.
Oh, my God, he just posted another one.
[LAUGHTER] Someone should do something.
- You're right.
I'm gonna unfollow him.
- Totally.
Whetherton, there's smoke coming from a trash can outside.
Goddamn it! Well, thank you for putting that responsibility on me.
Hey, let me get that for ya.
- Hey, Christian.
What's up? - [GROANS] Hey, Janie, how's it going? Oh, no, someone touched this one.
Yeah, that's not me.
Guess who's here! Sweetie, that's your cue.
- Ramona? - Look who couldn't resist my delicious boy.
Hey, Eric.
Oh, you can kiss in front of me.
It's okay.
- Go.
- Oh.
I'll be downstairs with headphones on.
They're noise-canceling.
- All noises.
- Oh, God.
I'm sorry about my mom.
She's a little nervous.
This is a big deal for her.
That's okay.
So, what have you been up to? Nothin'.
I've just been lying here, successfully throwing a ball up and down.
- What are you doing here? - I decided I need you back in my life.
Really? [CHUCKLES] That sounds great! I may never let you go.
That sounded less great.
There's no legs on my ball.
Or Loki's.
There's gotta be something in this Serbian book.
You'd think spider monsters would be worthy of their own chapter.
Maybe I'll defrost my ball and see what happens.
Do not defrost it.
This was inside of me, Joel.
My body, my ball, my choice.
Please, God, if I win one argument this year, let it be this one.
Fine, I won't thaw it out.
Unless you keep telling me I can't.
What are we gonna do about Ramona? We can't have her leaving bodies around.
I know.
Do you think we'll have to? - I don't want to kill her.
- Good.
Me neither.
She's, like, Abby's age.
Plus, she's the only one at that drugstore who gives a damn about customer satisfaction.
Maybe we could teach her.
We could have her tag along when we go kill our first Nazi.
I don't know, honey.
We've got a lot on our plate.
I don't wanna be opening up a finishing school for the undead.
- [GASPS] Whoa! - Oh, my God! [SHEILA] That knight has Mr.
Ball Legs on his shield.
- [JOEL] What does it mean? - [SHEILA] I don't know.
- Is he a knight that fights the undead? - Or is he an undead knight? [BOTH] Whoa.
Either way, it's terrifying.
I realize it's not their fault, but fucking Serbia! Other than tennis players, has anything good come out of that country? - [DOOR OPENS] - [ABBY] I'm home! You were doing something.
- I swear to God, every time.
- Mm-mm.
- Hey, Abby, how was school? - Normal, just like you wanted.
Hey, didn't you guys invite Lisa for dinner tonight? You know, to make up for you killing her husband, and this one eating him? - Oh, God, we completely forgot! - We have to cancel.
We can't.
This was the dinner to make up for the last one we canceled.
Mm, if you cancel again, it might look like you don't know what you're doing.
We know, Abby, we're bad at everything because we're your parents.
No, it's because prior to this, you led a mindlessly happy suburban existence, which left you fundamentally unprepared to deal with the life-and-death decisions that now plague your every waking moment.
- Jesus.
- Don't listen to her.
I'll defrost a frozen lasagna.
Can you go down to the basement and grab a bottle of wine? - And a soup from the earthquake kit.
- Okay.
But just sometime, I'd like one day to go as planned.
Tomorrow, I promise.
All bookshelves, all day.
Sure, tomorrow.
- I'm sorry I broke Dad.
- Oh, it's not your fault.
Between Ramona and Mr.
Ball Legs, he's had a big day.
- Mr.
Who Legs? - Set the table, sweetie.
So have you and Sheila come to any conclusions about my future? Not yet, Gary.
Damn it! All we have is tomato soup.
You can't serve tomato soup with lasagna.
It's just not done! You all right? I see a man that needs to talk.
I'm fine.
All I wanted to do the last couple days was build bookshelves.
But who am I kidding? With Sheila's situation, I'm never gonna do normal things again.
Her change has had a big effect on me too.
Ask me how.
No, I see that.
Look, you two are awesome, really.
You listen to each other.
You make decisions together.
I've never had that.
I may never have it.
Dude, you don't know that.
You could, uh - Anyway, I interrupted you.
- Sure, Sheila's got a lot going on.
Her life's always gonna be bigger than yours.
It's like It's like being married to the Queen of England.
- It's not exactly like that.
- You got two ways of looking at it.
Either it's, "My needs are always gonna come second" or "Jesus Christ, I'm fucking the Queen of England.
" Appreciate what you have, buddy.
Stop trying to turn it into something it's never gonna be.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Thank you, but we're having dinner guests, so I gotta put you in the cabinet, stuff a sock in your mouth.
- Understood.
- Okay.
- Ramona! - Hi.
Where are Anne and Lisa? Oh, my mom's finishing making her famous nine-layer dip, and Anne had a church thing.
But Ramona's back in my life forever! You guys are together again? Uh-huh.
In fact, Ramona here wants me to go later with her to kill someone.
- [CHUCKLES] What? - She said she wants me to be her Joel.
Does that ring any bells for anyone? - Joel? - No.
We just went over today and told her she has to be more careful.
Yeah, and that we realize how much harder she has it because she's all alone.
And doesn't have anyone to help her clean up and carry bodies, like I do for Sheila.
- Okay, I see what happened.
- I hear it too.
- Ramona, you can't just take Eric.
- Why not? He's perfect.
He's little, so if he tries to run, I can catch him.
Then I'll do something small but memorable to his legs so he won't try it again.
[CHUCKLES] Hear that, everyone? Does everyone hear what's happening right now? [SIGHS] Excuse me.
- I need to check on the lasagna.
- I'll come with you.
- No.
- No, you're right.
Too many cooks.
- What are you doing? - I'm fucking the Queen of England! - [BOTH] What? - It's an expression.
It means no more looking back.
I'm all in.
I don't know how you got there, but I dig where you're at.
Hammer-knife's ready.
Let's save the boy.
Okay, Abby, you go to your room and stay there.
No way! Eric's my friend.
I pushed him into this relationship.
This time, I go with you.
Okay, but if things go south, you grab Eric and stay behind us.
- You understand? - Yes.
- Abby.
- I understand.
You guys ready? - Ready.
- Not quite.
[BEEPS] Let's do this.
I was thinking maybe we'd move to Seattle.
Joel was right.
Two people killing in the same town draws too much attention.
Plus, I love the Seahawks.
Oh, God, you're into sports? This relationship is getting even more untenable.
Ramona, we need to talk.
I know how hard it must be for you to live like this on your own, but if Eric doesn't want to go with you, it's not gonna work.
Let me tell you about this guy.
He is not gonna be good at hunting people.
He gets queasy.
He's panicky.
- His orthotics squeak when he runs.
- Hey.
- You know I love you, man.
- Really? Then I'll bite him, and he'll want to hunt with me.
I'm not leaving without him.
Well, then I guess you're not leavin'.
Sorry! Oh, the seventh layer of my nine-layer dip is always such an asshole.
It's sour cream, and it always wants to settle into the olives, which are layer six.
I used to separate them with pimentos.
I don't know why I stopped doing that.
Oh, right.
Because Dan didn't like pimentos.
God, I do not miss him.
Oh, fuck me, I forgot the chips! I'm so spacey, and I'm not even high.
By the way, if you are high, that dip is what you're gonna wanna eat, Joel.
What's going on? Eric why aren't you standing next to your girlfriend? She's not gonna bite.
Oh! What a cute, weird couple you two make.
I'll be back.
[MICROWAVE DINGS] Lasagna's done.
- [SNARLS] - [GRUNTS] - [SNARLING] - [ABBY] No! - [ERIC SCREAMS] - [SNARLING] - Abby? - You wanted me to have a normal life? This is it.
This is who I am now.
I'm the fucking Queen of England.
Okay, that's not the expression.
And tomorrow, we're gonna have a talk about this whole thing.
- Ramona, it's over.
Just give up.
- But I want a Joel! And not just to hunt with.
I want what you two have.
I don't want to do this alone anymore.
Oh, sweetie.
Well, you can't just grab someone off the street and have what we have.
- Why not? - [CHUCKLES] Because Joel and I built a life together.
We spent 20 years learning to care for each other.
And lately, I've done nothing but bring chaos to his life.
And does he complain? Often.
But that's okay 'cause he's given up so much for me.
But when you love someone, that doesn't matter.
Because it's not about what you give up, it's about what you get.
And I don't complain that much.
So, I guess if I'm gonna find my Joel, the relationship should be built on more than just hurting his leg.
- That's right.
- I've got chips! Oh, my God.
What happened? Ramona broke up with me.
And I am very upset.
[PORCELAIN SHATTERS] Given the circumstances, I think we should reschedule dinner.
Which, I think we can all agree, is different than canceling.
[RAMONA'S VOICE] Dear Eric, I'm moving to Seattle, where perhaps someday I will meet my Joel.
I can't take Mr.
Ball Legs on a plane because of 9/11, so I'm leaving him behind.
Please ask the Hammonds to take care of him.
I left the key under the mat.
of my neighbor because it seemed too obvious to leave it under mine.
Good luck, Eric.
Surfing man emoji.
Maybe this could be Gary's pet.
So, we're keeping Gary? It felt good not to kill Ramona.
I like not killing people.
I've always liked it.
I just forgot how much.
You're sweet.
I'll look for a shopping bag to put this thing in.
Well, now that Ramona's gone, how are we gonna find out what killed both of us? There's gotta be a link.
Are you sure you didn't go to any auctions? I think I would remember.
And I can't imagine how something like this would spread through an auction.
I don't know.
Maybe an infected medieval goblet or a cursed piece of movie memorabilia? I didn't go to an auction.
I didn't.
Hon, didn't we eat at Japopo's two nights before you got sick? - Yeah.
- Would that have been on a Friday? - Yeah.
- And didn't you have the clam special? Yeah.
Why? So did Ramona.