Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s02e06 Episode Script


1 Calzone, eggplant parm, mushroom pizza.
No clams.
Spaghetti, lasagna.
No clams.
Going through all these Japopo's receipts is making me hungry.
Can we go there tonight? They may have killed your mother, so no.
Also, the food's not great.
Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird? - I promise.
- There's this guy at school, Sven You can do better.
Okay, starting now.
He asked me out, so we're getting coffee today.
Do I tell Eric, who likes me and may be really hurt? Or do I not tell him, which feels like I'm hiding it because Sven is hot and spent a summer in Greece playing guitar? Well, let me ask you a question.
Does Sven know your mother and I are constantly looking for people to kill? Dad.
Eric is your friend, and it's gonna hurt him a lot more if he finds out from someone else, so you should tell him.
Thanks, Dad.
That was uncharacteristically good parenting.
Couldn't just let me have the straight win, huh? I feel like I gave you enough.
Hi, guys.
How's it going with the receipts? This is the final one.
And it's chicken piccata.
Someone didn't read my first Yelp review.
"If you like capers, try a Marx Brothers movie because you won't find any in this piccata!" Okay.
So, the night we ate at Japopo's, clams was a special, and only three people ordered them.
You, Ramona, and a guy named Ed Thune.
Colonel Ed Thune.
We Googled him.
He's single, retired, and he thinks that a profile picture is literally a profile.
If he's undead, the clams are definitely the source of this thing.
You and Ramona could be a coincidence, but three people is a pattern.
Way to go, you guys.
This is huge! If we know it's the clams, we can stop it from spreading.
We could literally save the world! It's all up to us! - Then let's go find Ed Thune! - Ooh! - Today's not good.
- What? Honey, it's the world.
We have that meeting with Carl, and then we're pitching to that investor.
Yeah, but - The world! - Dad's right.
What could possibly be more important than saving the Holy shit, it's Sven! Hey, how was paddle boarding? Who's Sven? Just a boy who's gonna break Eric's heart.
I really think we should talk to Ed Thune today.
We absolutely should, tomorrow, because if we don't make that meeting today, Carl's gonna take us off the biggest project of our lives.
But if Ed is feral and infecting people today, what good is a housing development when rabid armies of flesh-eating goons are roamin' the streets? - We both have really good arguments.
- I don't think we both do.
Okay, how about this? You go talk to Ed.
And if he's undead, we know it's the clams.
And if he's feral, we go back together and make him regular dead.
In the meantime, I'm gonna take that meeting with Carl.
Speaking of making people dead, you should not go talk to Carl by yourself.
Don't worry, I have a plan.
I'm just gonna act like old Sheila, who's demure and chipper and never had an orgasm while eating a man's liver.
Judging by your look, I haven't mentioned that before.
No, you have.
I just never know what to say.
You think you can even act like the old Sheila around Carl? I think so, but maybe you're right.
Maybe it's too dangerous, and I shouldn't go.
- I really think that's best.
- Fooled you, motherfucka.
That was the old, agreeable Sheila.
I'm gonna nail this.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Anne.
Hey, uh, Joel, you're a pretty good dancer, right? - No.
Who told you that? - You did.
Remember, honey, that's why you trashed Principal Novak's house, is because you were giving his grandmother dancing lessons.
Of course.
I was confused because you asked me if I was a pretty good dancer, which I'm not.
I'm an outstanding dancer.
Salsa, tango, numerous others that I know.
Perfect! Lisa's birthday's coming up, and I wanna take her dancing.
She loves the tango, but I don't know the first thing about it.
Can you teach me? The thing is, I'm a little busy.
- Yeah, he's really busy.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Uh-huh.
I could do it anytime, work around your schedule.
- Okay.
- Great.
How's tonight at 6:00? - Okay.
- I have Bible study at 9:00.
- Is three hours enough time? - Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye, Sheila.
Bye, Anne.
- What the fuck? - She makes me nervous.
You said you were busy, and I backed you up.
All you had to do was stick with that.
I'm worried about you talking to Ed Thune without me.
He's a colonel, and as you just demonstrated with Deputy Garcia, you're not good with authority.
I think it's because you have a cold, dominating dad.
- Can we leave Father out of this? - The way you froze with Anne? If you do that with Colonel Thune and he's gone feral, you're gonna end up wearing your intestines as a necklace.
I'll just stake the place out, see what I can learn.
I promise I'll be the coward you want me to be.
Thank you.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
Don't kill Carl.
Don't get killed by Ed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here is the satellite image of the fracking site.
I think that that blurry thing might be a construction trailer.
Or a shoebox.
I'm having trouble with the scale.
Well, that's a field or gravy.
Maybe we should bring biscuits just to be safe.
It's gonna be hard shutting down a fracking site if we don't know what's there.
We need better pictures.
We can't just go in there.
They'll see us.
- Do you know what a ghillie suit is? - Assume I don't.
It's a camouflage outfit that snipers make from local flora, which enables them to disappear into their surroundings.
If you have a couple extra hours this afternoon, we can gather dirt and leaves I have a date today.
What? Sorry.
That was the wrong way to do that.
I thought it would be better if you found out from me than someone else.
- There's this guy, Sven.
- Cool.
Do you mean handsome Sven who was on Good Morning America after he saved his little brother from a shark attack? Or another totally non-threatening Sven who I've never met or heard of? - This is weird for you.
- Totally not weird.
Heard the shark wasn't even that big, so You sure you're okay with it? 'Cause, you know, if you're not, then I could Okay, thought you were gonna jump in there, but I am going out with him.
And you should, 100 percent.
You were happy for me when I went out with Ramona, so I'm happy for you.
Because if life has taught me anything, it's that human emotion is all about fairness.
Well, thank you for trying and failing to be cool.
That's kinda my jiggity jam.
Good morning, Carl.
I stopped on the way and got your coffee.
Oh, give it to me.
I also picked up some of those Danishes your doctor doesn't let you have.
Oh, you are bad.
So good.
Come on, let's be bad together.
Oh, I can't.
I'm on a new diet.
I can only eat meat.
- That's stupid.
Come on, have one.
- I will literally throw up on you.
Fuck me for being generous.
All right, well, the investor's gonna be here this afternoon to hear the concepts for the first six houses.
Yeah, I know, Carl.
You're reading off a memo I wrote to you.
Whoa! You're rough in the morning.
Have a lamb chop or somethin'.
Nobody is stealing your memo byline, okay? - Anyway - "Anyhoo.
" I like it when girls say "anyhoo.
" It's cute.
- Um, anyhoo - Better! Um, I've been doing some research, and I thought that maybe we could design these homes with a more sustainable approach than we typically see in Santa Clarita.
There's this article in the New York Times about smart homes.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
People don't give a shit about sustainability.
They want big beige boxes.
Actually, according to this study, many new home buyers Sheila.
Mm-mm? Big beige boxes is how we make money.
Now, if you wanna be part of that, your job is to smile and back up everything I say.
Understand? Absolutely.
Well, then let's see the smile.
Come on, bigger.
More teeth.
That's better.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
What the fuck is wrong with your eye? Oh, shit! Well, that told me nothing.
Fuck it.
- Yes? - Good morning.
I'm Martin L.
Taylor, Esquire, and I'm putting together a lawsuit against a local eatery, Japopo's.
If you've eaten there recently, you may be entitled to a share of a very large settlement.
Sorry, son, I've never been there.
Now, if you'll excuse me You are Ed Thune, right? - Colonel Ed Thune.
- It's just This is your receipt, isn't it, Colonel? Oh, Japopo's.
Yeah, the Italian place on Soledad.
I'd completely forgotten.
If I could just ask you a few questions Of course, Martin.
Come on in.
I wouldn't want to impose.
We can just talk here.
You're letting all the cold air out.
Come inside.
You're not deteriorating.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, your blood Technically, your black goo hasn't changed since we gave you the serum.
May I? Well, that's a relief.
Looks like you got the eye back in okay.
That's good.
Eh Except I got your nose.
If I'm not deteriorating, then why did my eye get weird? Well, I noticed you've been biting your nails.
- Are you under stress? - A little.
I'm working on a project with my boss, and he doesn't like the newer, bolder me.
So, I'm trying to act like old Sheila, when, really, all I wanna do is snap off his jaw and feed him his balls.
Well, like any of us, when you bottle up your feelings, they come out in other ways.
For some, it's hives or panic attacks or getting shingles so young, your doctor wants to send you to Virginia for a special study.
- Maybe you should quit the project.
- I can't.
Why not? It's only money.
And everyone with money says money's not important.
It's more than that.
If I can't control my emotions, then I can't function in the world.
And I don't wanna go through life only being undead.
I understand.
It's like that billboard with the old guy riding a bike that says, "I am more than my irritable bowel syndrome.
" Yeah, kind of.
We thought my grandma had irritable bowel.
Turns out she was just what her pharmacist called a "grumpy pooper.
" Eric, I adore you, but this isn't helping.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna have to suck it up.
That's what people do at work all the time.
Just tell me that it isn't gonna get worse.
Oh, it'll probably get a lot worse.
For all we know, your eye could pop out and, well, take somebody's eye out.
This is a complicated medical condition.
Maybe I will style my hair differently so no one will see.
That might work.
Wandering around Greece playing my guitar was like a dream.
After a month, I woke up, and I realized I'd travelled halfway around the world, and I'd taken all my problems with me.
Yeah, wherever you go, there you are.
So, I went home.
I'd also left my guitar on a train after an old lady got me drunk on ouzo.
Right, but now I'm just the guy who talks about himself.
So, Abby Hammond, what is your deal? Well, let's see.
What can I tell you? What can I tell you? My parents are realtors.
A co-worker of theirs was staying in our basement for a while.
He was a handful.
And oh, here's something I just found out.
I'm really boring on dates.
You're not boring.
You hit Christian in the face with a frickin' lunch tray.
The girl who did that has a story to tell.
Yeah, she does.
Okay, then tell it.
I wanna hear it.
Well, at first, I was just upset.
I saw what he did to Janie and that no one else was gonna do anything.
And then it's like I felt this quiet, overwhelming rage.
It was so strong, I picked that lunch tray up without even feeling it.
I just kept thinking about Janie and about all the other girls Christian was gonna dick over in the future, and the next thing I remember is the sound of the hard plastic hitting his face.
That's when I got scared.
Not scared that I'd done anything wrong, but scared how good it felt to hurt him.
Anyway, that's me.
What've you been up to since you got back from Greece? Um, uh, I don't know.
I like to play soccer.
Um, photography.
I like to paddle board.
Photography? Do you have a good camera? So, Japopo's was selling bad clams.
That's terrible.
- Yeah.
- Is everyone all right? Some people got pretty sick.
Really? How sick? Did they vomit? Yes, they did, Ed.
Why? Did you? No.
Thank God.
I hate food poisoning.
Good thing I didn't have the clams, Martin.
- You didn't? Are you sure? - Positive.
I'm a vegan.
It's just strange because the receipt says you did have the clams.
My date must've had the clams.
I had a salad.
- Oh.
You were on a date? - Yes, Martin.
People my age date.
Of course.
Right on.
So, did your date get sick? I don't know.
I haven't heard from her since that night.
There was no connection.
- So, do you know where she is now? - Barbara? I have her phone number written on a post-it out in the kitchen.
Why don't you come with me and we can chat some more? The kitchen is just right here, behind this door.
I'll stay here and enjoy your clocks.
Are you sure? I just made some Danish.
I used fresh apples from the tree in my backyard.
It's delicious.
You can eat Danish? I'm a vegan, not a monster.
Of course I eat Danish.
I would like to see that Danish and eat it, together.
Weird way of saying that, but okay.
Barbara's number is here someplace.
So, how about that pastry? Somebody's hungry.
It's right there on the table.
Help yourself.
- Hey, Ed, what's with the tarps? - Oh.
Pardon the mess.
I'm painting.
- I don't see any paint.
- Haven't bought the paint.
- But you bought the tarps? - They didn't have the color I wanted.
Is that okay with you, guy who just walked into my house? I just wanna eat Danish with you.
Why can't we eat Danish together? You said Barbara might be sick.
I want to get you her number.
I'll bet you it's in the basement.
Let's go to my basement.
I'm not going to your basement.
I have a problem with stairs.
Extreme vertigo.
I faint if I look directly into the washing machine.
I get it.
"Let's go to my basement" did sound kinda creepy.
It's just that's where my office is.
I just redid it.
You should come take a look.
I'm doing it again.
I'll be right back.
Find anything interesting? So, this development is more upscale, but, I mean, there's no reason to reinvent the wheel.
Why would anyone want to reinvent the wheel? So smart! So, we just build the houses that we know people like.
We just build them bigger.
It means more profits.
Money, money, money, money, money! It's what makes the world go round.
Like a wheel.
Why reinvent it? Anyhoo, Carl? Thanks, Sheila.
I love the hair, by the way.
You look like an attainable Jessica Rabbit.
Wow! You really have a way with words and houses.
So, your plan is to just build the same thing but bigger? You get it.
Todd gets it.
- So smart.
- I don't know.
I was hoping for something more forward-thinking, disruptive.
Like Uber.
But, it's a house.
We have another eco-friendly idea that you might be uber interested in.
Love to hear it, but give me a minute.
My brother's contesting the will.
What was that, Sheila? I don't know.
Sounds like someone died, and his brother wants more money than Todd feels he's entitled to.
No, I mean why the fuck did you say that you had another idea? Because we're losing him, Carl.
He wants something different.
I don't care what he wants.
Your only job here is to support me.
If you can't do that, then go on back to the kiddie pool.
You understand? Yes, Carl.
We are a team, Sheila, and there is no "I" in "team.
" There is a "me" and a "mate" and a "meat.
" And "tame" and "eat" and "mat.
" Are you following me? See, because I see things from all angles.
That's why I am in charge.
So, tame your meat and be a teammate to me.
- There he is! Hey, Todd.
- Sorry about that.
My brother and my father's nurse think they're smarter than me.
And they're not.
Well, jumping back in Hang on.
Sheila, didn't you say you had a different take? I think Carl's idea is the way to go.
Because I read something about millennials wanting eco-friendly homes.
- Is that what you were talking about? - Nuh-uh.
Are you sure? It sounded like it was.
See, sales and marketing is really Sheila's forte.
You really can't listen to her when she starts spouting off about the big picture stuff.
Todd, step over here to the easel.
Let me show you what I'm talking about.
Look at that master bathroom.
You could wash a car in that thing.
What people want is space, luxury.
I've been in this business a lot longer than Sheila, and I know what sells.
Trust me, bigger is better.
And forget Sheila and her eco bullshit.
Why were you rummaging through my freezer, Martin? I was just looking for ice cream to put on my Danish.
Here's Barbara's number.
Turns out it was next to the phone, and I think you should leave.
- But we haven't had our Danish.
- You can take your Danish to go, son.
Actually, I would really like us to eat it together.
Is that necessary? Yes.
Danish is a treat.
It's no fun eating it alone.
Okay, Martin.
Damn, that's good.
- Boy, that is good.
- Mm.
Listen, Colonel.
I'm sorry about all this.
I'll get out of your hair.
Thanks for Barbara's number.
Well, I hope she's all right.
Yeah, me too.
Well, nice meeting you, Martin.
God! - I'm gonna need that skin back.
- Fuck! God! Looking for this? Fuck! Now, Ed, hold on.
Ed Hey, easy.
Ed, it doesn't have to go like this.
I have a serum that can keep you from going feral.
Okay, we're past that.
I just learned that.
I've never spent a summer in Greece And I don't really play guitar Sven is so much cooler than me - I wish I was my avatar - Hey! I gotta tell you what happened with Sven.
Abby, I don't want to hold my feelings in until my eyes pop out.
So, I'm happy that you're happy, but I'm not ready to hear any details.
- The date didn't go well.
- Tell me everything.
All right, well, Sven's really thoughtful, and I like him a lot.
He's got amazing hair, and he smells kinda like summer at the beach.
This better go south fast.
- But I couldn't talk to him.
- Here we go.
I couldn't tell him anything real about myself.
And when I did, he couldn't handle it.
You know, my life's just gotten so big and crazy, the only person I can really share it with is well, you.
Gee, not being able to connect with Sven must've made you sad and disappointed.
My tragic love life makes you really happy, doesn't it? No, no.
I feel terrible for you? Stop it.
Okay, look, I got Sven to take me to the fracking site.
He has this really fancy camera, so we didn't need to get too close.
The guards thought we were just teenagers taking pictures of each other, you know, before we banged it out on the hood of his Mazda.
- What? Oh, okay.
- Mm-hm.
Anyway, look at this fence.
Right there, there's a tree.
You could easily throw a blanket on that barbed wire, and we're in.
And this billboard can be seen from the highway.
That's where we make our statement.
We're really gonna do this? I want to do it.
- Are you in? - I am in.
Huh, this is the exact conversation I had with Sven on the hood of his car.
Okay, you know what? You are a guest in my room.
Sheila? I found the guy, and it was the clams! - Oh, look who's here.
- Anne came for her dance lesson.
So, that should be fun.
What were you saying about clams, Joel? You seemed pretty agitated.
Anne, I was discussing a private seafood matter with my wife.
- Do you have a problem with that? - No, it just sounded strange Great.
That's settled.
Now, you want me to teach you how to tango? Here's how I tango.
These moves may be unorthodox but, on the dance floor the only authority I bow to is rhythm.
Lisa also wanted a blender for her birthday, so I'm just gonna get her that.
- Good night, Sheila.
- Bye, Anne.
I recommend the Vitamix.
Cuts through anything.
You can liquefy a golf ball.
So I know you told me not to confront Ed, but I did, and he was undead and he attacked me, but I held my ground.
And I killed him.
Then I threw his body in the trunk, drove it out to the desert, and buried him, but now we know it is the clams.
We just have to find Japopo's seafood distributor, and maybe we can stop this thing.
That's great, honey.
Are you okay? Being undead and having a successful career is going to be more challenging than I thought.
- I had a little incident.
- Oh, no.
Did you attack someone? Kind of.