SAS: Rogue Heroes (2022) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1
I have been asked by General de Gaulle
to find a way
to get French paratroopers
involved in missions with a British unit.
I've already chosen my officers.
So far in this war I've killed 21 men,
so in fact you can call me 21.
Next!
Do you play the piano, Paddy?
Eoin was trying to teach me.
Ooh, I say.
Let the games begin.
What is it about Stirling
that you dislike so much?
I invented the SAS.
He had no right to destroy it
on its first mission.
SOLDIER YELLS
- Eoin!
GUNFIRE
EXPLOSION
- JOCK GROANS
Only the dreamer
and the madman left.
I have 20 of the toughest, finest
paratroopers in the French Army
under my command.
This was my idea.
And everything up until then
has been part of a strategy.
You'd only have to spare one man.
Somebody left behind at Jalo to train
the free French in desert warfare.
I've decided it has to be you.
So I stay in Jalo
while you continue to go out on missions?
So the loser finds a way to win.
GUNFIRE
Two trucks.
Now, I would suggest
that we form up into ranks
and straight lines
for a formal military greeting
with salutes and all that
wonderful nonsense, but
that would give them a rather
false impression of who we are.
Hey, sir.
Will they wanna share our hashish, like?
Offer it only if asked.
Do we raise their flag?
Their flag have we got it?
Yeah, I made one.
HE EXHALES
I bought some coloured bedsheets
in a brothel in Cairo.
Visiting the mother was you, Riley?
- THEY LAUGH
Well, if you've made one, raise it.
I thought the French flag
was all white.
THEY CHUCKLE
OK, all of you,
when the free French arrive
there will be no infantile abuse
or counterproductive stereotyping
for any reason whatsoever.
Even if it transpires that the unwashed,
French bastards deserve it.
THEY SCOFF
Besides, insults would be unwise,
even light-hearted ones.
I have it on very good authority
that they are a rough lot.
SEEKINGS WHISTLES "LA MARSEILLAISE"
Yeah!
- THEY CHEER
God's sake,
this is Paddy Mayne's welcoming party.
Where the bloody hell is he?
Oh, here's the mad bastard.
French men at 500 yards, sir.
There is a man among them
called Augustin Jordan.
He is a poet, and he's killed more Germans
than all of us put together.
Now, I gave my word that we would
unfasten their leashes and let them fight.
Rommel's airstrips are
now heavily defended.
Men like Jordan are men like us,
and they've lost their country.
It would be rather unsporting
to kill him at 500 yards.
Perhaps, instead,
you should read poetry to one another
and then wrestle naked in the sand
to see which of you
is a finer Spartan warrior.
Never wrestle naked in the sand.
Sand under the foreskin is one of the most
painful medical conditions imaginable.
Have you been drinking?
Aye.
And are you going to at least be polite?
The last French words I heard were
ne tirez pas.
I was very polite.
I said, je suis desole.
Je dois le faire.
DOG BARKS
Compagnie! Formation!
Compagnie, garde-a-vous!
SERGEANT CONTINUES IN FRENCH
- THEY CHUCKLE
Alignez!
HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH
Quvrez la formation.
Marche.
Ooh.
Paddy, perhaps you would like
to inspect your men, hmm?
This is Lieutenant Zirnheld,
former paratrooper.
This is Soldier X, real name unknown.
Ex-Foreign Legion, we call him La Vinasse.
"Grapes".
Cos he drinks wine instead of water.
La Vinasse.
Grapes.
How many of your men
do not remember their own names?
Most of my men speak no English at all.
Well, actually, Paddy speaks French.
No, he fucking doesn't.
Paddy speaks dog
and your men speak dog. So
we will communicate as dogs.
This is one man that knows his name.
Sergeant Essner, ex-Foreign Legion.
He joined the adventure
before the war began.
And he's German.
He is invaluable at roadblocks.
We have German uniforms in our truck
and four of my men are fluent in German
but Sergeant Essner's the real thing.
Ooh, Mr Real Thing.
How real are you, Sergeant Essner?
I am a real soldier.
I despise the French
but I fucking hate Germans.
You are a German
in a Frenchman's uniform.
Nothing but a turncoat.
Expect to be isolated by my contempt.
Yes, sir.
Actually
there are two of us.
I am Corporal Brickner.
I am German too.
They came as a pair.
That's fucking brilliant.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsch.
Oh!
- BRITISH SOLDIERS LAUGH
HE SNEEZES
What the fuck is that?
THEY CHUCKLE
This is Aspirant Halévy.
He speaks German as well.
He is Jewish.
And his entire family,
including his two children
were taken to the camps.
He has made a vow to Kill
as many Nazis as he can.
I am a hand grenade, sir.
Pull the pin
throw me where the enemy's
most numerous.
We have use for men like him, Paddy.
Fair play.
Show me to the philosopher.
You'd know Augustin Jordan,
my second in command
winner of the Croix de Guerre
and former professor of Philosophy
at La Sorbonne.
Sir.
I hear you're a poet.
The eyes of a familiar compound ghost
both intimate
and unidentifiable.
I find T.S Eliot rather dull.
Not a debate worth getting
sand under the foreskin for
one might imagine.
Parade dismissed.
This is going to be rather fun, isn't it?
While you're settling in
I'm going to be taking my men
on a little jolly up country.
What's a jolly?
Halt! German up front!
Jesus Christ, it's OK. It's OK.
The truck is ours.
It was stolen to order
by our friend here at the LRDG.
The intelligence boys took it,
they painted it up
put the German vehicle identity code
on the roof.
We're going to be using it with us tonight.
There's someone down there, sir.
—- Oh, yes.
Yes.
On tonight's jolly
we're going to be taking a guest with us.
His first name is Randolph.
His second name is Churchill.
Blimey fuck me.
His father Winston has heard about us
and wants to know more
so he's sent his son along
to join in the fun.
But please feel free to treat him
as badly as you treat everyone else.
Too right, sir.
Compagnie!
Garde-a-vous!
Stand easy.
Repos.
We will begin your training regime
this morning with a wee competition.
You will divide into two groups
and use these poles
and these planks
to build two scaffolds, 30-feet high.
There are hammers, nails and screws
but no plan.
So you will have to use your initiative.
Is there a French word for initiative?
The first team to build a scaffold
30-feet high which a man can climb
will be the winners.
How do we divide?
Germans, Jews, non-French Legionnaires
against the French.
No, we do not divide ourselves that way.
I have just divided you in that way.
Any more questions?
Well, there fucking should be a question.
Why are you asking us
to build two scaffolds
thirty-feet high
in the middle of the fucking desert?
We're we're trained
not to question orders.
We're trained to carry them out.
Lesson number one,
on morning number one.
You must ask why.
Why?
Very fucking good.
Sharp.
Yeah.
You must ask why
because if you know why
you are carrying out your mission
when things fuck up
as they inevitably will
you will know how to achieve
what you set out to achieve
in a different way.
In your own way.
So, why are we building two towers
30-feet high
in the middle of the desert?
Because when they are built
you are gonna climb them
and jump off them.
While you are carrying out
this test of teamwork
initiative and stamina
I'm gonna be up there on that ridge.
Observing?
— No.
I'm gonna be shooting at you.
You'll be what?
Aye, I'll be shooting at you
with live ammunition.
It'll be up to you to avoid my bullets.
I see evidence of slacking or shirking
that really does get my goat
and I might just decide
to wing the culprit.
But, most of all, I'll be shooting at you
by way of encouragement.
As a general rule, I'll be shooting
at anybody who stands still.
So don't stand still!
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh Oh!
If any of you feel like
this is all a wee bit unfair
fucking please feel free to try
and do something about it.
OFFICER IN FRENCH:
Oh, be warned.
When I pulled up that bucket earlier,
there was a frog in it.
LOUD THUD
Now, then. She's a truck.
Treat her like a horse, not a kitten.
And you're Italian, drive like one.
What does that mean?
Green means go,
amber means accelerate
red means accelerate
and honk your horn.
I thought we were supposed to be
in the Africa corps.
When in Rome, Cooper!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Be careful with him, David.
Yes, jolly good.
So you're going to just drive into Benghazi
and plant the explosives?
Oh, yes, that's the plan.
I like plans that can be explained
with one breath.
Benghazi is Rommel's doorway
to the Mediterranean.
We're going to blow
that door off its hinges.
You'll be able to tell your father,
victory is spelt "SAS".
How will we get into Benghazi?
Oh, war is mostly chaos
with random explosions and bits of heroism
and lots of self-preservation.
Most of the time, soldiers
have no fucking idea what's going on.
Italian checkpoints are manned by
boys and shopkeepers.
Aren't you gonna shave?
— No. No point.
All you need to get past them is arrogance.
A few German uniforms.
And parachutist Cooper, who speaks Italian
as well as your average Nazi.
The Italians will assume
we're trusty German allies.
And if that doesn't work, well,
then you just
open fire.
Next time we're in an oasis
and you pull up a frog
keep it.
Share it with the group.
Bully beef can get terribly monotonous.
"Don't Let's Be Beastly
To The Germans" by Noel Coward
Don't let's be beastly to the Germans ♪
GUNSHO
- HE YELLS
HE YELLS IN GERMAN
HE YELLS IN FRENCH
We might send them out some Bishops ♪
GUNSHO
HE YELLS
Let's be meek to them
and turn the other cheek to them ♪
DISTANT CHATTER
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun ♪
THEY CHATTER IN FRENCH
—- For many years ♪
They've been in floods of tears ♪
Because the poor little dears
have been so wronged ♪
And only longed to cheat the world ♪
Deplete the world
and beat the world to blazes ♪
GUNSHO
- THEY YELL
HE YELLS IN GERMAN
GUNSHOTS
- THEY YELL
Though they've been a little naughty ♪
—- GUNSHO
To the Czechs and Poles and Dutch ♪
I don't suppose those countries
really minded very much ♪
Let's be free with them ♪
And share the BBC with them ♪
—- GUNSHOTS
We mustn't prevent them
basking in the sun ♪
Let's let them feel they're swell again ♪
And bomb us all to hell again ♪
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun ♪
GUNSHO
I have youl! Get on your
feet, put your hands in the air!
GUNSHO
Ah, fuck!
HE GROWLS
Fuck off.
HE GRUNTS
—- I don't believe you.
Don't believe me?
Ooh
I expected better from you.
My commanding officer has some idea
that you and I are similar.
A shared love of poetry and philosophy.
I wonder
if it's something more than that.
Shh
PADDY BLOWS
Perhaps we should find out.
JORDAN SPITS
What say you, Professor? One go each.
I say you're fucking insane.
Ye who philosophise on life and death.
Yes
— You are now looking at the real thing!
In this moment
Stop!
— GUN CLICKS
Merde!
You're up.
I offer you a moment.
I have a wife and a child.
I save my bullets for the enemy!
We're here to defeat fascism,
not play your games.
I cannot believe you just
risked your life for no reason.
I told you the reason.
You do this purely
to discover that I'm not you.
Yep.
—- That's it.
Yep.
PADDY LAUGHS
Oh, and listen,
since I have stopped firing bullets
your men have stopped working.
Work!
On travaille!
Lesson learned about men
and the motivation of men.
GUNSHO
Fuck.
See, Monsieur Jordan
SAS training is mostly
about what is in here.
Now get back to work.
HE SIGHS
Do the same.
Just in case we have to go out with a bang.
How's the old man?
Oh, you know, he's keeping busy.
Yeah.
Just think, if in two minutes' time
we all get a bullet in the head
it'll be your name
on the front of the newspapers
and we'll all be but a footnote.
Rather amusing.
SOLDIER SPEAKS ITALIAN
Fuck.
No, no, that's good, that's good.
We're in luck.
HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
Ooh, a dandy. Even more good luck.
Tell him I have to
shit. I've got dysentery.
STIRLING GRUNTS
HORN HONKS
STIRLING GROANS
Scheisse, scheisse
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
- HORN HONKS
OFFICER MUTTERS IN ITALIAN
GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
STIRLING GROANS
- GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
No, no, no.
HORN HONKS —- Per favore.
ITALIAN GUARD YELLS
Oh, right. Well, they forgot to put
the fucking numbers on the roof?
It was Dudley Clarke's
job to sort that out.
GUARD SPEAKS ITALIAN
Cooper, you're driving on the bloody
English side of the road!
Get over!
Jesus bloody Christ.
Looks like you might make the frontpages
of the newspapers after all, old boy.
ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN
ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Turn left up here,
let's see if they follow.
Don't indicate! When was the last time
you saw an Italian soldier
indicate before he turned?
- I thought we were supposed to be German.
Shut up, Cooper.
Don't you fucking dare look around.
Cooper.
- BRAKES SQUEAL
MAN YELLS
- DONKEY BRAYS
HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC
Sorry, sir.
Right, come on. Cooper.
ENGINE GRINDS AND STARTS
ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN
Turn left up here.
They follow us, we open fire.
Fuck.
- It's a dead end, sir.
Bloody hell.
Right, two hours to relax before dark,
gentlemen.
Messieurs!
THEY CHEER
No one divides us, Lieutenant Mayne.
Just like meat, next to the bone is best!
Life close to death
is truly fucking magnificent!
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Before you jump, do you have a question?
Pourquoi?
Why are we jumping?
Because why the fuck not?
Go!
Good boy!
Go!
Pathetic. Go!
—- Pourquoi pas!
Go!
Pretty fucking good.
Go!
Pathetic.
Pourquoi pas!
Fucking woeful!
Oh, fucking hell.
Tweedle fucking Deutsch!
Mr Real Thing.
Let's have a good look at you.
Go!
- Why the fuck not?
Fucking useless!
Standby! Go!
Go!
Like a sack of shite.
LOUD CRUNCH
- MAN GROANS
That's fucking diabolical!
Go!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
Stand by.
Go!
Go!
MEN SPEAK FRENCH
—- PADDY: That is a fucking order.
OVERLAPPING CHATTER
Allez! Courage, soldat!
Sautes!
Silence!
Fuck's sake.
- HE SPEAKS FRENCH
Absolutely no chance!
Get that out of the way now!
That is a fucking order.
On enleve. Allez, on retire.
On retire.
Enleverz.
PADDY IN FRENCH:
Pourquoi pas!
HE GRUNTS
THEY CHEER
He did it!
He did it!
THEY CHEER
THEY CHEER
INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
Listen up, chaps.
Prime the 30-minute fuses.
Riley.
You and Jim head for
the petrol dumps round there.
Seekings, you take Cooper
and eradicate that harbour.
Churchill, I should hope
you've got your swimming cap.
Rendezvous back here, 27 minutes.
Go.
LOUD THUD
Shit.
I don't know any Italian.
Do you know any German?
Bit of opera libretto. Wagner.
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
We have to convince them
that we're Germans.
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Try it.
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Ja!
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Run.
- GUNFIRE
Catch.
DISTANT CLAMOUR
- ALARM WAILS
GUNFIRE CONTINUES
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
SOLDIER IN GERMAN:
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
Oh, they've overrun the truck.
Fucking marvellous.
How the fuck are we gonna
get out of here now?
How long, Jim?
We have about four minutes.
Where the fuck is Stirling?
OK, one more minute
and we leave 'em behind.
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
Hey.
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
What the fuck is he doing?
There's no point hiding.
Stand up straight. Walk with us.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
They've set up road blocks.
OK, Cooper, let's try something new.
SOLDIERS LAUGH
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Do your line.
THEY LAUGH
ALARM CONTINUES
Twenty seconds.
EXPLOSION
EXPLOSIONS
GUARDS SHOUT IN ITALIAN
EXPLOSION
INDISTINCT YELLING
GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
- GUARD SPEAKS ITALIAN
They're looking for Germans with beards.
Yes, on reflection,
terrible idea not to shave.
INDISTINCT CLAMOUR
Oh ♪
What is so bright
for the duce, the duce ♪
DISTANT CHATTER IN ITALIAN
ALARM CONTINUES
Fuck it.
HE WHISTLES Hey!
the fever, oh, fever ♪
In armoured cars, they strum guitars ♪
Till frilly white skirts
lay the duce with black shirts ♪
Oh ♪
What is so bright
for the duce, the duce ♪
He can't put it over the Greeks ♪
Now, when exiting a city
especially one where you have
created a good deal of chaos
your approach to checkpoints
can be much less subtle.
GUNFIRE
- GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
I'm now 25!
26!
So what will you say to your father
when we get back to London?
I will say, "Holy, holy
holy fuck."
Oh ♪
MEN SING IN FRENCH
MEN SING ROWDILY
Gobshites.
THEY CONTINUE SINGING
You don't want to join us?
I'm only staying to make sure
you don't damage any of our property.
Your men are very drunk.
You know, you make me curious.
Don't you have anyone back in England?
Nobody in England, no, I'm Irish.
And in Ireland, I have a mother.
Why'd you ask?
What you did today
I wondered if you'd do that
if you loved someone.
Ooh
We British don't have
these pointless conversations.
THEY CHANT IN FRENCH
But in my opinion
loving somebody can make you
too fond of life, which
can turn you into a coward.
A coward?
How so?
DISCORDANT NOTES PLAY
My friend, they're just playing, huh?
It's just a piano.
Your wee loyal German
sounds like a Nazi to me.
INDISTINCT ROWDY CHATTER
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER CONTINUES
MEN YELL
Paddy!
You Nazi rat!
Touch that piano again!
Get him up!
INDISTINCT CLAMOUR
Paddy! Watch out, Paddy!
INDISTINCT CLAMOUR
Come on!
THEY YELL
Put the gun down!
Put the gun down!
- Paddy, don't!
GUNSHOT —- Fucking—-
GUNSHOTS
THEY YELL
Get him out of here!
Calm down, Pad!
Captain Mayne.
- Get out.
Captain Mayne
—- GUNSHO
whatever the cause of your pain
you have my deepest sympathy.
HE PANTS
HORN HONKS
- ENGINE POPS
I can hear it but I don't believe it.
ENGINE POPS
What the
— Couple of souvenirs from Benghazi.
What's left of it.
I sent you out in an Opel Blitz
and you come back in
a fucking pram and a handcart!
Oh, bollocks.
There is a rumour going around in Cairo
that Winston Churchill's son
went on a mission
behind enemy lines with the SAS.
HE WHISTLES
Of course, no one but a fool like me
would believe such a rumour.
Mr Churchill. How was your trip?
Oh, you know, bit of sightseeing.
How the hell did you manage
to hitch a ride with my driver?
Oh, she has friends in very high places.
I would like to speak to Mr Churchill.
I have a message for him
to give to his father.
Randolph, may I introduce you to
a single cause
walking on two legs, with a single goal
and many, many strategies for achieving it.
In London, the British prime minister tends
not to take General de Gaulle's calls.
I thought I'd try another method
of getting his attention.
Well, you certainly have my attention.
Well, permission denied, Randy.
And perhaps, Miss Mansour,
you would come with me
and explain exactly how you managed to get
a hold of such confidential information.
DONKEY BRAYS
Your journey was wasted.
Who told you he was being picked up here?
Dudley Clarke.
The other reason I came
was to see how you were.
Thank you.
For what?
For not smelling of blood or petrol.
I'm sorry.
It takes me a while
to get back to normal.
Before I go, I take these, uh
amphetamines.
When I get back, I take barbiturates.
I am myself
in between.
But
I'm not in-between quite yet.
How long?
About an hour after sunset,
I will stop shaking.
And then about an hour after that,
I will stop
hearing explosions.
May I stay for that?
How was Cairo?
When the wind blows from the west,
you can hear Rommel's Panzer divisions
straining at the leash.
But also buzzing with talk
about the rogue heroes of the SAS
and the phantom major who leads them.
And how is Dudley Clarke
responding to all the glory?
It seems he's inpatient
for your destruction.
The trucks we were given by Intelligence
for our attack on Benghazi
had no code numbers on the roof.
We were sent out as sitting ducks.
As head of French Intelligence, Cairo
I'm officially warning you to be aware
of your intelligence operatives.
They do not all mean you well.
So, you see,
I'm not just devoted to one cause.
I'm also concerned for you.
Did I hear
"Head of French Intelligence, Cairo?"
I reported my boss for being a drunk.
For the good of France, I do bad things.
Oh, God.
—- SHE LAUGHS
You're quite a number, aren't you?
What is a number?
Now, as a general rule
I avoid possession and being possessed.
So please do not waste your concern on me.
I am sorry
your life is no business of mine.
You can make it your business.
ROCK COVER OF "LA MARSEILLAISE"
Why the fuck are they not training?
Oh, dear.
Yeah.
My men have refused to work
under Captain Mayne's command.
My men have decided that he's a madman.
Two of them have broken jaws
one has three broken ribs
and among the broken barrels on the floor,
you'll find several teeth.
Alright, I will speak to him.
He needs to be put in a fucking cage!
INSECTS BUZZ
Destroy many planes?
Two boats.
Oh, we're counting boats now, are we?
Yes.
I knew you would make
a fucking useless training officer.
I knew you were
deeply unsuited to the task.
So why did you do it then?
I did it because you were proving to be
a more effective
commanding officer than me.
I did it to win the game, there it is.
If this is some kind of double bluff
I'm telling you, it isn't very smart.
Oh, it's the truth.
My father taught me to win at everything,
in any way possible.
Who shot the gazelle?
- It was that or a Frenchman.
Why did you fight them?
Because they're French.
So it's your daddy's fault?
—- Oh, yes.
Because of my daddy, I already feel
the urgent need to shoot a gazelle
to match you.
— So go fucking shoot one then.
Apologise to the Frenchmen!
—- No fucking chance.
There's a herd of gazelle
two miles from here.
Go get it out of your system.
- I blame my father.
What's your excuse for being
such a mad fucker?
I don't need a fucking excuse.
Right, well, one night,
someone's going to come in here
and they're gonna slit your throat.
They are welcome to try.
What sort of boats?
Torpedo boats.
Yes, and half the harbour.
What a shame you missed it.
And you're serious about the gazelle?
Yes.
You want to shoot one,
you need to shoot a gazelle?
Oh, yes.
- Good.
Cos they've probably
all fucked off now anyway.
Oh, you mad Irish cunt.
Ah, the use of "Irish" as an adjective
is very provoking.
Oh, yeah? So we go to it.
You and me, in the sand.
Come on!
- I would beat you to death.
I would pull a knife.
I'd take your knife from you,
cut off your balls
and stir them into a Bloody Mary
which I would then force-feed
down your Jacobean throat.
You need to forget about Eoin McGonigal.
There.
That was me pulling a knife.
It's best for you
to leave this tent right now.
No.
I know you went to find him,
to bury him properly.
Well, now you must bury him in your head.
No one can bear undeclared grief, Paddy.
Now, I am going to relieve you
of your training duties.
I didn't find his body.
I didn't find his body.
I know.
Paddy.
Churchill's son turned up as promised.
He came with us, he was very impressed.
He will lobby for us with his father.
Also, we are apparently
the talk of Cairo.
Now is our moment.
I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps
Vickers machine guns,
ammunition, explosives
more men.
The war is in the balance.
We can change the course of it
while you sulk like Achilles in your tent.
I'll not apologise.
But you can tell the Frenchmen
that I shot that gazelle for them
and that I will roast it on a fire
and share the meat with them.
I am gradually coming round to the notion
that they might actually be good men.
All our men are good men.
They just have the misfortune
to be led by us.
Come on.
I'll help you cook this fucking thing.
Allez a table!
Messieurs. A table.
— INDISTINCT CHATTER
Come on!
To our future jollies together
and the defeat of fascism.
Why don't you pretend to be
bloody civilised and get in a line?
I have been asked by General de Gaulle
to find a way
to get French paratroopers
involved in missions with a British unit.
I've already chosen my officers.
So far in this war I've killed 21 men,
so in fact you can call me 21.
Next!
Do you play the piano, Paddy?
Eoin was trying to teach me.
Ooh, I say.
Let the games begin.
What is it about Stirling
that you dislike so much?
I invented the SAS.
He had no right to destroy it
on its first mission.
SOLDIER YELLS
- Eoin!
GUNFIRE
EXPLOSION
- JOCK GROANS
Only the dreamer
and the madman left.
I have 20 of the toughest, finest
paratroopers in the French Army
under my command.
This was my idea.
And everything up until then
has been part of a strategy.
You'd only have to spare one man.
Somebody left behind at Jalo to train
the free French in desert warfare.
I've decided it has to be you.
So I stay in Jalo
while you continue to go out on missions?
So the loser finds a way to win.
GUNFIRE
Two trucks.
Now, I would suggest
that we form up into ranks
and straight lines
for a formal military greeting
with salutes and all that
wonderful nonsense, but
that would give them a rather
false impression of who we are.
Hey, sir.
Will they wanna share our hashish, like?
Offer it only if asked.
Do we raise their flag?
Their flag have we got it?
Yeah, I made one.
HE EXHALES
I bought some coloured bedsheets
in a brothel in Cairo.
Visiting the mother was you, Riley?
- THEY LAUGH
Well, if you've made one, raise it.
I thought the French flag
was all white.
THEY CHUCKLE
OK, all of you,
when the free French arrive
there will be no infantile abuse
or counterproductive stereotyping
for any reason whatsoever.
Even if it transpires that the unwashed,
French bastards deserve it.
THEY SCOFF
Besides, insults would be unwise,
even light-hearted ones.
I have it on very good authority
that they are a rough lot.
SEEKINGS WHISTLES "LA MARSEILLAISE"
Yeah!
- THEY CHEER
God's sake,
this is Paddy Mayne's welcoming party.
Where the bloody hell is he?
Oh, here's the mad bastard.
French men at 500 yards, sir.
There is a man among them
called Augustin Jordan.
He is a poet, and he's killed more Germans
than all of us put together.
Now, I gave my word that we would
unfasten their leashes and let them fight.
Rommel's airstrips are
now heavily defended.
Men like Jordan are men like us,
and they've lost their country.
It would be rather unsporting
to kill him at 500 yards.
Perhaps, instead,
you should read poetry to one another
and then wrestle naked in the sand
to see which of you
is a finer Spartan warrior.
Never wrestle naked in the sand.
Sand under the foreskin is one of the most
painful medical conditions imaginable.
Have you been drinking?
Aye.
And are you going to at least be polite?
The last French words I heard were
ne tirez pas.
I was very polite.
I said, je suis desole.
Je dois le faire.
DOG BARKS
Compagnie! Formation!
Compagnie, garde-a-vous!
SERGEANT CONTINUES IN FRENCH
- THEY CHUCKLE
Alignez!
HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH
Quvrez la formation.
Marche.
Ooh.
Paddy, perhaps you would like
to inspect your men, hmm?
This is Lieutenant Zirnheld,
former paratrooper.
This is Soldier X, real name unknown.
Ex-Foreign Legion, we call him La Vinasse.
"Grapes".
Cos he drinks wine instead of water.
La Vinasse.
Grapes.
How many of your men
do not remember their own names?
Most of my men speak no English at all.
Well, actually, Paddy speaks French.
No, he fucking doesn't.
Paddy speaks dog
and your men speak dog. So
we will communicate as dogs.
This is one man that knows his name.
Sergeant Essner, ex-Foreign Legion.
He joined the adventure
before the war began.
And he's German.
He is invaluable at roadblocks.
We have German uniforms in our truck
and four of my men are fluent in German
but Sergeant Essner's the real thing.
Ooh, Mr Real Thing.
How real are you, Sergeant Essner?
I am a real soldier.
I despise the French
but I fucking hate Germans.
You are a German
in a Frenchman's uniform.
Nothing but a turncoat.
Expect to be isolated by my contempt.
Yes, sir.
Actually
there are two of us.
I am Corporal Brickner.
I am German too.
They came as a pair.
That's fucking brilliant.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsch.
Oh!
- BRITISH SOLDIERS LAUGH
HE SNEEZES
What the fuck is that?
THEY CHUCKLE
This is Aspirant Halévy.
He speaks German as well.
He is Jewish.
And his entire family,
including his two children
were taken to the camps.
He has made a vow to Kill
as many Nazis as he can.
I am a hand grenade, sir.
Pull the pin
throw me where the enemy's
most numerous.
We have use for men like him, Paddy.
Fair play.
Show me to the philosopher.
You'd know Augustin Jordan,
my second in command
winner of the Croix de Guerre
and former professor of Philosophy
at La Sorbonne.
Sir.
I hear you're a poet.
The eyes of a familiar compound ghost
both intimate
and unidentifiable.
I find T.S Eliot rather dull.
Not a debate worth getting
sand under the foreskin for
one might imagine.
Parade dismissed.
This is going to be rather fun, isn't it?
While you're settling in
I'm going to be taking my men
on a little jolly up country.
What's a jolly?
Halt! German up front!
Jesus Christ, it's OK. It's OK.
The truck is ours.
It was stolen to order
by our friend here at the LRDG.
The intelligence boys took it,
they painted it up
put the German vehicle identity code
on the roof.
We're going to be using it with us tonight.
There's someone down there, sir.
—- Oh, yes.
Yes.
On tonight's jolly
we're going to be taking a guest with us.
His first name is Randolph.
His second name is Churchill.
Blimey fuck me.
His father Winston has heard about us
and wants to know more
so he's sent his son along
to join in the fun.
But please feel free to treat him
as badly as you treat everyone else.
Too right, sir.
Compagnie!
Garde-a-vous!
Stand easy.
Repos.
We will begin your training regime
this morning with a wee competition.
You will divide into two groups
and use these poles
and these planks
to build two scaffolds, 30-feet high.
There are hammers, nails and screws
but no plan.
So you will have to use your initiative.
Is there a French word for initiative?
The first team to build a scaffold
30-feet high which a man can climb
will be the winners.
How do we divide?
Germans, Jews, non-French Legionnaires
against the French.
No, we do not divide ourselves that way.
I have just divided you in that way.
Any more questions?
Well, there fucking should be a question.
Why are you asking us
to build two scaffolds
thirty-feet high
in the middle of the fucking desert?
We're we're trained
not to question orders.
We're trained to carry them out.
Lesson number one,
on morning number one.
You must ask why.
Why?
Very fucking good.
Sharp.
Yeah.
You must ask why
because if you know why
you are carrying out your mission
when things fuck up
as they inevitably will
you will know how to achieve
what you set out to achieve
in a different way.
In your own way.
So, why are we building two towers
30-feet high
in the middle of the desert?
Because when they are built
you are gonna climb them
and jump off them.
While you are carrying out
this test of teamwork
initiative and stamina
I'm gonna be up there on that ridge.
Observing?
— No.
I'm gonna be shooting at you.
You'll be what?
Aye, I'll be shooting at you
with live ammunition.
It'll be up to you to avoid my bullets.
I see evidence of slacking or shirking
that really does get my goat
and I might just decide
to wing the culprit.
But, most of all, I'll be shooting at you
by way of encouragement.
As a general rule, I'll be shooting
at anybody who stands still.
So don't stand still!
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh Oh!
If any of you feel like
this is all a wee bit unfair
fucking please feel free to try
and do something about it.
OFFICER IN FRENCH:
Oh, be warned.
When I pulled up that bucket earlier,
there was a frog in it.
LOUD THUD
Now, then. She's a truck.
Treat her like a horse, not a kitten.
And you're Italian, drive like one.
What does that mean?
Green means go,
amber means accelerate
red means accelerate
and honk your horn.
I thought we were supposed to be
in the Africa corps.
When in Rome, Cooper!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Be careful with him, David.
Yes, jolly good.
So you're going to just drive into Benghazi
and plant the explosives?
Oh, yes, that's the plan.
I like plans that can be explained
with one breath.
Benghazi is Rommel's doorway
to the Mediterranean.
We're going to blow
that door off its hinges.
You'll be able to tell your father,
victory is spelt "SAS".
How will we get into Benghazi?
Oh, war is mostly chaos
with random explosions and bits of heroism
and lots of self-preservation.
Most of the time, soldiers
have no fucking idea what's going on.
Italian checkpoints are manned by
boys and shopkeepers.
Aren't you gonna shave?
— No. No point.
All you need to get past them is arrogance.
A few German uniforms.
And parachutist Cooper, who speaks Italian
as well as your average Nazi.
The Italians will assume
we're trusty German allies.
And if that doesn't work, well,
then you just
open fire.
Next time we're in an oasis
and you pull up a frog
keep it.
Share it with the group.
Bully beef can get terribly monotonous.
"Don't Let's Be Beastly
To The Germans" by Noel Coward
Don't let's be beastly to the Germans ♪
GUNSHO
- HE YELLS
HE YELLS IN GERMAN
HE YELLS IN FRENCH
We might send them out some Bishops ♪
GUNSHO
HE YELLS
Let's be meek to them
and turn the other cheek to them ♪
DISTANT CHATTER
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun ♪
THEY CHATTER IN FRENCH
—- For many years ♪
They've been in floods of tears ♪
Because the poor little dears
have been so wronged ♪
And only longed to cheat the world ♪
Deplete the world
and beat the world to blazes ♪
GUNSHO
- THEY YELL
HE YELLS IN GERMAN
GUNSHOTS
- THEY YELL
Though they've been a little naughty ♪
—- GUNSHO
To the Czechs and Poles and Dutch ♪
I don't suppose those countries
really minded very much ♪
Let's be free with them ♪
And share the BBC with them ♪
—- GUNSHOTS
We mustn't prevent them
basking in the sun ♪
Let's let them feel they're swell again ♪
And bomb us all to hell again ♪
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun ♪
GUNSHO
I have youl! Get on your
feet, put your hands in the air!
GUNSHO
Ah, fuck!
HE GROWLS
Fuck off.
HE GRUNTS
—- I don't believe you.
Don't believe me?
Ooh
I expected better from you.
My commanding officer has some idea
that you and I are similar.
A shared love of poetry and philosophy.
I wonder
if it's something more than that.
Shh
PADDY BLOWS
Perhaps we should find out.
JORDAN SPITS
What say you, Professor? One go each.
I say you're fucking insane.
Ye who philosophise on life and death.
Yes
— You are now looking at the real thing!
In this moment
Stop!
— GUN CLICKS
Merde!
You're up.
I offer you a moment.
I have a wife and a child.
I save my bullets for the enemy!
We're here to defeat fascism,
not play your games.
I cannot believe you just
risked your life for no reason.
I told you the reason.
You do this purely
to discover that I'm not you.
Yep.
—- That's it.
Yep.
PADDY LAUGHS
Oh, and listen,
since I have stopped firing bullets
your men have stopped working.
Work!
On travaille!
Lesson learned about men
and the motivation of men.
GUNSHO
Fuck.
See, Monsieur Jordan
SAS training is mostly
about what is in here.
Now get back to work.
HE SIGHS
Do the same.
Just in case we have to go out with a bang.
How's the old man?
Oh, you know, he's keeping busy.
Yeah.
Just think, if in two minutes' time
we all get a bullet in the head
it'll be your name
on the front of the newspapers
and we'll all be but a footnote.
Rather amusing.
SOLDIER SPEAKS ITALIAN
Fuck.
No, no, that's good, that's good.
We're in luck.
HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
Ooh, a dandy. Even more good luck.
Tell him I have to
shit. I've got dysentery.
STIRLING GRUNTS
HORN HONKS
STIRLING GROANS
Scheisse, scheisse
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
- HORN HONKS
OFFICER MUTTERS IN ITALIAN
GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
STIRLING GROANS
- GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
No, no, no.
HORN HONKS —- Per favore.
ITALIAN GUARD YELLS
Oh, right. Well, they forgot to put
the fucking numbers on the roof?
It was Dudley Clarke's
job to sort that out.
GUARD SPEAKS ITALIAN
Cooper, you're driving on the bloody
English side of the road!
Get over!
Jesus bloody Christ.
Looks like you might make the frontpages
of the newspapers after all, old boy.
ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN
ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Turn left up here,
let's see if they follow.
Don't indicate! When was the last time
you saw an Italian soldier
indicate before he turned?
- I thought we were supposed to be German.
Shut up, Cooper.
Don't you fucking dare look around.
Cooper.
- BRAKES SQUEAL
MAN YELLS
- DONKEY BRAYS
HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC
Sorry, sir.
Right, come on. Cooper.
ENGINE GRINDS AND STARTS
ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN
Turn left up here.
They follow us, we open fire.
Fuck.
- It's a dead end, sir.
Bloody hell.
Right, two hours to relax before dark,
gentlemen.
Messieurs!
THEY CHEER
No one divides us, Lieutenant Mayne.
Just like meat, next to the bone is best!
Life close to death
is truly fucking magnificent!
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Before you jump, do you have a question?
Pourquoi?
Why are we jumping?
Because why the fuck not?
Go!
Good boy!
Go!
Pathetic. Go!
—- Pourquoi pas!
Go!
Pretty fucking good.
Go!
Pathetic.
Pourquoi pas!
Fucking woeful!
Oh, fucking hell.
Tweedle fucking Deutsch!
Mr Real Thing.
Let's have a good look at you.
Go!
- Why the fuck not?
Fucking useless!
Standby! Go!
Go!
Like a sack of shite.
LOUD CRUNCH
- MAN GROANS
That's fucking diabolical!
Go!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
Stand by.
Go!
Go!
MEN SPEAK FRENCH
—- PADDY: That is a fucking order.
OVERLAPPING CHATTER
Allez! Courage, soldat!
Sautes!
Silence!
Fuck's sake.
- HE SPEAKS FRENCH
Absolutely no chance!
Get that out of the way now!
That is a fucking order.
On enleve. Allez, on retire.
On retire.
Enleverz.
PADDY IN FRENCH:
Pourquoi pas!
HE GRUNTS
THEY CHEER
He did it!
He did it!
THEY CHEER
THEY CHEER
INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
Listen up, chaps.
Prime the 30-minute fuses.
Riley.
You and Jim head for
the petrol dumps round there.
Seekings, you take Cooper
and eradicate that harbour.
Churchill, I should hope
you've got your swimming cap.
Rendezvous back here, 27 minutes.
Go.
LOUD THUD
Shit.
I don't know any Italian.
Do you know any German?
Bit of opera libretto. Wagner.
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
We have to convince them
that we're Germans.
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Try it.
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Ja!
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Run.
- GUNFIRE
Catch.
DISTANT CLAMOUR
- ALARM WAILS
GUNFIRE CONTINUES
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
SOLDIER IN GERMAN:
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
Oh, they've overrun the truck.
Fucking marvellous.
How the fuck are we gonna
get out of here now?
How long, Jim?
We have about four minutes.
Where the fuck is Stirling?
OK, one more minute
and we leave 'em behind.
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
Hey.
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
What the fuck is he doing?
There's no point hiding.
Stand up straight. Walk with us.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
They've set up road blocks.
OK, Cooper, let's try something new.
SOLDIERS LAUGH
GUARD IN ITALIAN:
Do your line.
THEY LAUGH
ALARM CONTINUES
Twenty seconds.
EXPLOSION
EXPLOSIONS
GUARDS SHOUT IN ITALIAN
EXPLOSION
INDISTINCT YELLING
GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
- GUARD SPEAKS ITALIAN
They're looking for Germans with beards.
Yes, on reflection,
terrible idea not to shave.
INDISTINCT CLAMOUR
Oh ♪
What is so bright
for the duce, the duce ♪
DISTANT CHATTER IN ITALIAN
ALARM CONTINUES
Fuck it.
HE WHISTLES Hey!
the fever, oh, fever ♪
In armoured cars, they strum guitars ♪
Till frilly white skirts
lay the duce with black shirts ♪
Oh ♪
What is so bright
for the duce, the duce ♪
He can't put it over the Greeks ♪
Now, when exiting a city
especially one where you have
created a good deal of chaos
your approach to checkpoints
can be much less subtle.
GUNFIRE
- GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL
I'm now 25!
26!
So what will you say to your father
when we get back to London?
I will say, "Holy, holy
holy fuck."
Oh ♪
MEN SING IN FRENCH
MEN SING ROWDILY
Gobshites.
THEY CONTINUE SINGING
You don't want to join us?
I'm only staying to make sure
you don't damage any of our property.
Your men are very drunk.
You know, you make me curious.
Don't you have anyone back in England?
Nobody in England, no, I'm Irish.
And in Ireland, I have a mother.
Why'd you ask?
What you did today
I wondered if you'd do that
if you loved someone.
Ooh
We British don't have
these pointless conversations.
THEY CHANT IN FRENCH
But in my opinion
loving somebody can make you
too fond of life, which
can turn you into a coward.
A coward?
How so?
DISCORDANT NOTES PLAY
My friend, they're just playing, huh?
It's just a piano.
Your wee loyal German
sounds like a Nazi to me.
INDISTINCT ROWDY CHATTER
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER CONTINUES
MEN YELL
Paddy!
You Nazi rat!
Touch that piano again!
Get him up!
INDISTINCT CLAMOUR
Paddy! Watch out, Paddy!
INDISTINCT CLAMOUR
Come on!
THEY YELL
Put the gun down!
Put the gun down!
- Paddy, don't!
GUNSHOT —- Fucking—-
GUNSHOTS
THEY YELL
Get him out of here!
Calm down, Pad!
Captain Mayne.
- Get out.
Captain Mayne
—- GUNSHO
whatever the cause of your pain
you have my deepest sympathy.
HE PANTS
HORN HONKS
- ENGINE POPS
I can hear it but I don't believe it.
ENGINE POPS
What the
— Couple of souvenirs from Benghazi.
What's left of it.
I sent you out in an Opel Blitz
and you come back in
a fucking pram and a handcart!
Oh, bollocks.
There is a rumour going around in Cairo
that Winston Churchill's son
went on a mission
behind enemy lines with the SAS.
HE WHISTLES
Of course, no one but a fool like me
would believe such a rumour.
Mr Churchill. How was your trip?
Oh, you know, bit of sightseeing.
How the hell did you manage
to hitch a ride with my driver?
Oh, she has friends in very high places.
I would like to speak to Mr Churchill.
I have a message for him
to give to his father.
Randolph, may I introduce you to
a single cause
walking on two legs, with a single goal
and many, many strategies for achieving it.
In London, the British prime minister tends
not to take General de Gaulle's calls.
I thought I'd try another method
of getting his attention.
Well, you certainly have my attention.
Well, permission denied, Randy.
And perhaps, Miss Mansour,
you would come with me
and explain exactly how you managed to get
a hold of such confidential information.
DONKEY BRAYS
Your journey was wasted.
Who told you he was being picked up here?
Dudley Clarke.
The other reason I came
was to see how you were.
Thank you.
For what?
For not smelling of blood or petrol.
I'm sorry.
It takes me a while
to get back to normal.
Before I go, I take these, uh
amphetamines.
When I get back, I take barbiturates.
I am myself
in between.
But
I'm not in-between quite yet.
How long?
About an hour after sunset,
I will stop shaking.
And then about an hour after that,
I will stop
hearing explosions.
May I stay for that?
How was Cairo?
When the wind blows from the west,
you can hear Rommel's Panzer divisions
straining at the leash.
But also buzzing with talk
about the rogue heroes of the SAS
and the phantom major who leads them.
And how is Dudley Clarke
responding to all the glory?
It seems he's inpatient
for your destruction.
The trucks we were given by Intelligence
for our attack on Benghazi
had no code numbers on the roof.
We were sent out as sitting ducks.
As head of French Intelligence, Cairo
I'm officially warning you to be aware
of your intelligence operatives.
They do not all mean you well.
So, you see,
I'm not just devoted to one cause.
I'm also concerned for you.
Did I hear
"Head of French Intelligence, Cairo?"
I reported my boss for being a drunk.
For the good of France, I do bad things.
Oh, God.
—- SHE LAUGHS
You're quite a number, aren't you?
What is a number?
Now, as a general rule
I avoid possession and being possessed.
So please do not waste your concern on me.
I am sorry
your life is no business of mine.
You can make it your business.
ROCK COVER OF "LA MARSEILLAISE"
Why the fuck are they not training?
Oh, dear.
Yeah.
My men have refused to work
under Captain Mayne's command.
My men have decided that he's a madman.
Two of them have broken jaws
one has three broken ribs
and among the broken barrels on the floor,
you'll find several teeth.
Alright, I will speak to him.
He needs to be put in a fucking cage!
INSECTS BUZZ
Destroy many planes?
Two boats.
Oh, we're counting boats now, are we?
Yes.
I knew you would make
a fucking useless training officer.
I knew you were
deeply unsuited to the task.
So why did you do it then?
I did it because you were proving to be
a more effective
commanding officer than me.
I did it to win the game, there it is.
If this is some kind of double bluff
I'm telling you, it isn't very smart.
Oh, it's the truth.
My father taught me to win at everything,
in any way possible.
Who shot the gazelle?
- It was that or a Frenchman.
Why did you fight them?
Because they're French.
So it's your daddy's fault?
—- Oh, yes.
Because of my daddy, I already feel
the urgent need to shoot a gazelle
to match you.
— So go fucking shoot one then.
Apologise to the Frenchmen!
—- No fucking chance.
There's a herd of gazelle
two miles from here.
Go get it out of your system.
- I blame my father.
What's your excuse for being
such a mad fucker?
I don't need a fucking excuse.
Right, well, one night,
someone's going to come in here
and they're gonna slit your throat.
They are welcome to try.
What sort of boats?
Torpedo boats.
Yes, and half the harbour.
What a shame you missed it.
And you're serious about the gazelle?
Yes.
You want to shoot one,
you need to shoot a gazelle?
Oh, yes.
- Good.
Cos they've probably
all fucked off now anyway.
Oh, you mad Irish cunt.
Ah, the use of "Irish" as an adjective
is very provoking.
Oh, yeah? So we go to it.
You and me, in the sand.
Come on!
- I would beat you to death.
I would pull a knife.
I'd take your knife from you,
cut off your balls
and stir them into a Bloody Mary
which I would then force-feed
down your Jacobean throat.
You need to forget about Eoin McGonigal.
There.
That was me pulling a knife.
It's best for you
to leave this tent right now.
No.
I know you went to find him,
to bury him properly.
Well, now you must bury him in your head.
No one can bear undeclared grief, Paddy.
Now, I am going to relieve you
of your training duties.
I didn't find his body.
I didn't find his body.
I know.
Paddy.
Churchill's son turned up as promised.
He came with us, he was very impressed.
He will lobby for us with his father.
Also, we are apparently
the talk of Cairo.
Now is our moment.
I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps
Vickers machine guns,
ammunition, explosives
more men.
The war is in the balance.
We can change the course of it
while you sulk like Achilles in your tent.
I'll not apologise.
But you can tell the Frenchmen
that I shot that gazelle for them
and that I will roast it on a fire
and share the meat with them.
I am gradually coming round to the notion
that they might actually be good men.
All our men are good men.
They just have the misfortune
to be led by us.
Come on.
I'll help you cook this fucking thing.
Allez a table!
Messieurs. A table.
— INDISTINCT CHATTER
Come on!
To our future jollies together
and the defeat of fascism.
Why don't you pretend to be
bloody civilised and get in a line?