Saturday Night Live (1975) s01e01 Episode Script
George Carlin, Billy Preston, Janis Ian, Andy Kaufman
- Good evening.
- Good eveniee.
Good evening.
Good eveniee.
Good Good eveniee.
Let us begin.
Repeat after me.
- I would like - I would like - to feed your fingertips - to feed yur fingerteeps - to the wolverines.
- to de wolver-eenes.
Next, - I am afraid - I em afred - we are out - we are out - of badgers.
- of badjurs.
- Would you accept - Would you accept - a wolverine - a wolver-eene - in it's place? - een es place.
Next, "Hey," Ned exclaimed "Hey," Ned asclaimed - "let's boil - "let's boil - the wolverines.
" - the wolver-eenes.
" Next Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! NBC's Saturday Nights, starring George Carlin with Janis Ian and Billy Preston.
A film by Albert Brooks.
Jim Henson's Muppets, The Not For Ready Prime Time Players, and comedians, Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman.
Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us - live.
I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball games.
So many, man All the time.
And this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit, they moved the hash marks in.
Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the No.
1 sport, the national pasttime.
And I think it already is, because football represents something we are, we are Europe, Jr.
When you get right down to it, we're Europe, Jr.
We play a Eurpe game.
What was the Europe game? "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition.
And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game.
You knock the crap out of 11 guys and take their land away from them.
Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time.
That's the way we did it with the Indians, we won it little by little.
First down in Ohio.
Midwest to go! I think it's not surprising that the football advise and Let's put it this way, there are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away.
Football is technological, baseball is pastoral.
Football is played in a stadium, baseball is played in the park.
In football, you wear a helmet, in baseball, you wear a cap.
Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid and every one of them is the same size, baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to inifinity and every park is different! Football is rigidly timed, baseball has no time limit, we don't know when it's gonna end! We might even have extra innings! In football, you get a penalty, in baseball, you make an error, whoops! The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone, in baseball, the object is to go home! "I'm going home!" And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense, in baseball, they have the sacrifice.
Honey, I'm home! - Daddy! Daddy! - Hey, pal! How are you doing? You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family everything you need for the future, or is it? What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them? Sure, you've provided for them financially, but what about their emotional and physical needs? - Honey, I'm home! - Daddy! Yes, it's "New Dad!" a radically new concept in family insurance coverage.
Within seconds after "Old Dad" is out, we'll have "New Dad" in there to take his place.
Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way? Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and ask him about our "New Dad" policy, before it's too late.
That's "New Dad", the only insurance that covers all of their needs.
"New Dad", Tops In Pops.
And now, Billy Preston, with "Nothing From Nothing!" Now I must have order please or I'll be forced to clear this courtroom.
Ms.
Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway? He said, "Hey, baby, h-how'd you like to, uh" I can't, I Now, please, Ms.
Davis.
I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.
He said "h-how'd you like to, uh" - Don't make me say it - Objection.
The witness is not on trial here.
Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.
Objection.
Heresay.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms.
Davis might write down the defendent's remarks on a piece of paper.
And now, here's Andy Kaufman! Mister Trouble never hangs around When he hears this Mighty sound: "Here I come to save the day!" That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right Mighty Mouse will join the fight.
On the sea or on the land He gets the situation well in hand.
So though we are in danger, we never despair 'Cause we know that where there's danger, he is there! He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air! We're not worryin' at all We're just listenin' for his call: "Here I come to save the day!" That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! We're not worryin' at all We're just listenin' for his call: "Here I come to save the day!" That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! How many of you have heard this in your home, "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house.
" Here's another thing you hear at home, mostly guys say this, "Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which one?" "This week's underwear.
" Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I do.
I can't help it.
I do.
Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can't do it.
People keep bringing it back to you, man.
"Hey, uh, your wastebasket is in the garbage here!" Check this out.
When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there's always one weird piece of bacon.
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, that's their job, man! As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport.
There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us, but the airport is where they're kind of trying it out.
As you know, they search your bags, to make sure there's no weapons.
"Don't want any weapons on the plane! you know.
" They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and, "No weapons! Let 'em on!" You get on the plane, and you're clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man.
I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess's neck and threaten paper cuts! "Do what he says! Do what he says!" Oh.
.
there's a moment coming.
There's a moment coming, it's it's not here yet.
It's on the way.
It's still in the future.
Here, here it is! Oh, it's gone, man.
There's no present, Everything is the near future and the recent past.
No wonder we can't get anything together, we've got no time, man? We would like to introduce to you, Janis Ian.
Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to "Victims of Shark Bite.
" My first guest, Mr.
Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.
Mr.
Gresner, would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of shark bite? I'd be happy to, Phyllis.
Uh I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island.
It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder.
I didn't know what it was at first, my left arm felt numb.
Well, my arm was gone.
Since then, I've had to learn to do everything with my right hand.
Just when did this incident take place? Oh, I'd say maybe three, four months ago.
I've had, uh I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand Excuse me, Mr.
Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.
Nope! It's gone, see? Shark bit it off! Nothing there! No, Mr.
Gresner, that's your sleeve.
You do have a left arm and it looks perfectly normal to me.
- It does? - Yes.
It was my leg! My leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I'm an invalid Mr.
Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg.
You see? You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you.
I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off We'll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.
I've got a scar here where my sister pushed me off a porch This is my best friend, my business partner, my advisor, my companion, my wife.
And I love her.
She's quite a gal, you know.
She takes care of the house, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vests at our own boutique, and still has enough energy to give me the attention I need at the end of a long day.
I don't know how you do it.
Well, I take care of myself.
get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I get enough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day.
Makes me take it, too.
Jamitol.
More than twice the iron and high-potency vitamins found in other supplements.
Tablet or liquid.
My wife.
She's quite a gal.
And I love her for it.
I'm Paul Simon, and I'll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week.
I'll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, and my ex-partner, Art Garfunkel, for a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion.
I hope you'll watch.
And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase! Our top story tonight, dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Now, world leaders in the news, Japan Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week.
The Emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Dateline, Washington.
At a press conference Thursday night, President Ford blew his nose.
Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday, in Washington, President Ford bumped his head 3 times getting into his helicopter.
The CIA immediately denied reports that it had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway.
Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he has written his own campaign slogan.
The slogan? "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?" The Post Office announced today Just a second, I lost my place.
The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States.
It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.
Murder at the Blaine Hotel again.
For a live report, let's go to Laraine Newman in midtown Manhatten, at the Blaine hotel.
Laraine? Chevy, I'm standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago.
The motive, again, murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings.
In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel a pockmark on the neck of midtown Manhatten.
Once again, grizzly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel.
Laraine Newman, reporting.
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Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort.
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Triopenin, a compound of powerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines, speeds soothing relief where needed.
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Soon, you're handling life again, feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation.
Triopenin, get your hands working again.
Now with the new childproof safety cap.
Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhatten.
The Blaine, a tradition for more than half a century.
Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo.
It's the first such birth in captivity on record.
baby chick made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under 14 grams, and according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely.
The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply "Pip".
One humourous note, the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that's news this evening.
This is Chevy Chase.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Come with us now from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats From the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats This land was made for me! And me only! Cause I am Ploobis! King of all I survey.
Scred! Scred! Yes, oh high supreme mucky muck, sir! Scred, I'm hungry.
Ohh what would please your flatulence? FOOD! See, I'm hungry.
And when I get hungry, I get a headache.
And when I get a headache, I get, uh Furious? No.
Angry? NO! - Cranky! - NO! - Peevish! - NO! - Irked! - NO! - MILDLY ANNOYED! - That's IT! Oh, thank you, sire.
I get mildly annoyed when I don't have food.
I'll see to it immediately, your grossness.
Hmm.
This is something Peuta should have taken care of I heard that! I don't have time to worry about your food.
Especially in my condition.
Mmmm.
I said, especially in my condition.
- Especially in your condition.
- Yes.
- And? - Yes.
What do you expect me to do about it? - You're too old to molt.
- Arrgh! Oh, Ploobis, I don't know what my problem is.
I'm just not in the swing of things.
You see I'm having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.
Releasing your darts.
Urrgh.
- What should I do about it? - Go to The Mighty Favog.
He's the only one who can relieve my pain.
Your pain is my pain, m'dear.
Well, I'm going to lie down now.
Perhaps the darts will loosen.
would it help if I massaged your moogies? Ow, ow, ow, ow! Only joking, only kidding, Your Majesty! Don't say it if you don't mean it.
Yes, sire.
Ah, there you are.
Here's your food, Ploobis! Thank you, Vazh.
What've you got here? Grrrh Let go of it, would you? Tastes like boiled Kleenex.
This tastes familiar, is this anyone I know? Will you want dessert, Ploobis? Unnnh.
What I want, Angel Buns, is not on the menu.
Come here, you.
Ohhh.
Yeah.
Oh, sweetheart.
Ploobis! What are you doing? Ah! Well, uh Excuse me, ma'am.
I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog, you see.
DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY? Uh one! Me and Scred.
TALK TA ME.
Oh, Mighty Favog! I got a problem.
BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL? Scred? Medical, your grossness.
Oh, Mighty Favog, it's medical.
- MEDICAL.
- Mmm.
IT'S GONNA COST YA.
THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.
Holy guacamole.
Whatcha got on you, Scred? Just two chickens.
But that's carfare home! Oh Favog, I offer you two chickens.
It's all I've got! BUSINESS IS SLOW.
I'LL TAKE 'EM.
Pay him the chickens.
Oh, okay, but phooey, anyway.
Are you ready? LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD! Here they come! AWRIGHT.
STATE YOUR PROBLEM.
Oh, Mighty Favog! My charming wife Peuta can't release her darts.
AWRIGHT.
YA READY? We are ready, Oh Mighty Favog! HERE IS THE ANSWER! Well? CHEER UP.
THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
For that, I paid two chickens? LIKE I SAID, CHEER UP, THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
YOU COULDA PAID FOUR CHICKENS.
NEXT! You can't argue with that Yeah I'M HERE EVERY DAY! TELL YER FRIENDS! Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.
Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.
Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man!" Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.
Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food, I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime, yellow is lemon, orange is orange, red is cherry.
What's blue? There's no blue! They say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh.
Blue on the vine, purple on the plate.
There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably it bestows immortality! They're keeping it from us! We have no blue food, please? I'll take my vitamin.
Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side.
The plain-looking vitamins.
And you have a whole lot, and you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need and they're not marked.
And the jar you put them in isn't marked.
If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins.
That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins! The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me.
What is a Jumbo Shrimp? It's like Military Intelligence, the words don't go together, man.
New York cab driver, temporarily blinded, still puts in 45 hour week! - Excuse me! - Hm? Sir? Yes, how did this happen to you? Well, I was takin' a fare to one of those movie premieres.
You know them big spotlights? - Where they've the lights in the sky? - Yeah.
I always wondered how they get 'em so bright so I went and stared into it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Stared into the light? - Yeah.
- For how long? - About a half an hour.
Yeah? The doctor says it's only temporary, my sight'll probably come back.
Oh, that's good.
And yet you still drive? Damn right I still drive! What should I do? Sit home and collect welfare? I know these streets like the back of my hand.
- Yeah? - That's right.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Gotta go now, pal.
Got a fare.
Okay.
- Any cars in front of us? - No.
In an unprecedented move to ease world tensions, the country of Israel and the state of Georgia have agreed to change places.
The entire state of Georgia, residents, businesses, all forms of commerce will relocate in the Middle East on January 1st, 1977.
No buildings will be moved.
It will be an even property exchange.
This is indeed an auspicious occasion of the 20th century and I hope that New Orleans will be easier to deal with than Cairo.
I know-I know that my entire state is looking forward to heat without humidity.
In a sweeping majority vote, this progressive state has decided to lower the age of consent from 18 to 7.
Businesses of all types report a surge in activity.
Actually, uh, I'm-I'm in advertising.
Here, I'll show ya, this is my company here.
I can't read yet.
Oh, well, this says that I'm in charge of casting.
I cast a lot of people, you know, like yourself.
Mm hm.
You have very nice cheekbones.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm with "The Impossible Truth", do you live in this area? - No, I'm from L.
A.
- Ah! Who's your date? It's just someone I'm talking to here.
Let me ask you something Why don't you just leave us for a little while, huh? All right.
Uh, I'm staying, uh, at the Inn, you know, out by the airport there.
- Yeah? - Maybe, I don't know if you have time Although "The Impossible Truth" airs what it must, some things it airs disgusts it.
While you are viewing this, "The Impossible Truth" continues to investigate new leads.
Like the woman who swims 24 hours a day every day of her life.
Or the man who can eat a thousand eggs.
Or the genius with an I.
Q.
of over 240.
and now we return to "Bee Hospital.
" Mr.
Bee! Yes? Congratulations! It's a drone! - It's a drone! - It's a drone! - Congratulations! - It's a drone! Mr.
Bee? Yes? Congratulations! It's a drone! It's a drone! It's a drone! That's great.
- Mr.
Bee? - Yes? Congratulations! It's a worker! It's a worker? - It's a worker.
- Hey, it's a worker.
Awwww, it's a worker! Thus, concludes this week's chapter of "Bee Hospital.
" And now, a scene from next week's episode of "Bee Hospital.
" - Mr.
Bee? - Yes? Congratulations, Mr.
Bee, it's a queen! It's a queen! - Hello? - Hello! By just answering this phone call, you have qualified for a challenging new career that could earn you up to 80 dollars a day! Tell me more! Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads for so-called training schools has created a demand for skilled phone answerers to take calls and write down messages? It's true.
The countless schools and institutions that teach you computer programming, motel management, airport surveillance and diesel mechanics, to name but a few, desperately need operators to stand by at the end of their TV ads.
Now, ABC, the Academy of Better Careers, offers you the chance to become one of these sought after, high paid stand-by operators.
You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques from our staff of experienced instructors.
You'll explore the telephone, its past, its present, and even the amazing picture phones of the future.
In only six weeks, our experts will show you everything you need to know to answer phones professionally.
ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction - and is eligible under the Stu - Excuse me, mister.
- I have to get off.
- But where are you going? To call ABC and start my new career as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator! Hey! Don't let life put you on hold! Become a stand-by operator! Call now for free booklet! Call (311) 555-4425.
That's (311) 555-4425.
Operators are standing by to take your call.
And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield! Thank you.
I don't look like a comedian, do I? That's because I'm not, I'm a school teacher, and people I need a lot of silence in this room if I'm going to talk.
People people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let's bring you out of the suburbs and into the city.
I'd like to have a few words with you.
Okay, okay, people.
Now, today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup.
The principal is a what? Is this a French film I'm living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I'd like to make them! Okay, people now first of all, we're in our lovely gym togs and I'd like to keep them looking lovely and crisp.
Turquiose and white are a very good combination.
But, keep the box pleat nice and neat.
Don't sit down during the game.
And another thing people, please, two points I'd like to make here.
Dress shields, dress shields, girls.
Just for that little extra neatness.
Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let's keep them back off the eyes, okay? I've got some hairnets here.
"oohhh" yourselves! Now, people, Okay.
I've got team captain Debbie here would like to have a few words with you before the game.
Okay? Debbie? Thanks.
Okay, shut up.
Okay, so we're going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn't be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute.
And listen to me, something really great.
There's some guys out there who are such duh's, you wouldn't believe! There's Jimmy and Mark and Connor and when I think about the guys I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!! Have a good game.
We at Saturday Night wanted to see what kind of people carry guns.
So we took our camera crew into the streets to find out.
When you see our Saturday Night truck in your neighborhood, show us your guns! It's already Sunday, and it's God's day OFF!! That's what it said in the Bible.
He worked six days, then He took Sunday off.
It's His one day off, and THAT'S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him.
"It's my day off, man!" Well, we create God in our own image and likeness.
No question about that.
Every time I see a picture of God, He has knees and toenails, right? and a good example, a better example of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God.
When we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive.
"Hey! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!" You ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time.
Don't worry, don't worry.
The universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard.
It's alright.
Things work out well.
But, uh, we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we'll go around describing Him to each other.
He's infinite, and we can never understand Him, but I'll describe him for 'ya!" Well, here's what it's like, first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything.
He knows absolutely everything.
I don't even know what I'm talking about, He knows what I mean.
Secondly, He never started and He's never gonna end.
And third, He is all powerful.
He can do anything.
He can throw a car right over a wall.
He's just like us, He's a cool guy, that's all God is, a cool guy.
That's what all the religions told us.
"He's like us, He's us.
" That's what all the big ones, all the big religions said, "Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you're all basically the same person.
We just don't have uniforms yet, that's all.
" And we do go for that, don't we? We kinda buy that.
"Oh, yeah, I'm God.
Sure.
Stanley is God.
Arlene is God.
God and me are Arlene and Stanley.
" It's a little complicated, but we do kinda believe that.
And if God is like us, I think perhaps he might be subject to Physical Laws.
I mean, supernatural? But subject to Physical Laws, possibly.
It would explain a lot of things.
It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger.
I mean, if He's God, why doesn't He show up? "Hey, I got a message for 'ya, here you go.
" He sends an angel.
And the angel always flies in over a mountain.
I mean, that implies that you're traversing over a phyical space.
So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws.
People say, "Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?" He can't help, it lady! He's subject to Physical Laws! Maybe He's only a, uh, semi Supreme being.
Because He's like us, and we're not perfect.
I think God may not be perfect.
I think His work shows that.
Take a look at a mountain range.
They're all crooked, they're never in line.
All different sizes.
There are no two leaves that same.
He can't even give 2 people the same fingerprints! He's had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE DIED!! Everything so far!! So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He's batting .
000! Now, some religions, which are not to be confused with God.
Some religions will tell you that it's quite okay not to worry about your own life.
Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts.
It was God's will! It's God's will! "Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don't look at me.
God's will!" Can't you see a lynch mob going, "Let's get this guy, God! That's the 4th kid He's killed this week!" Religion, religion, at best, at BEST, is like a lift in your shoe.
If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better, fine.
But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled.
Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
Thank you.
Once again, here's Billy Preston, with his new hit, "Fancy Lady.
" Oh, honey! "Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.
Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay? What was that?! What's going on?! Hi, there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery.
Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time, in fact, it just has! Honey, call the police! Do something! No, don't call the police.
I am the police! I might be, anyway.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Kromer.
My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I'm President of Trojan Horse Home Security.
I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime.
I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices.
You might say security is my life.
I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure.
I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona.
And, you, Mr.
Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house.
If you think you can.
If I think I can?! You're a pretty hefty guy, Mr.
Kromer I ask little lady get prefer Don't worry, folks, he won't hurt you! This is my assistant, he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security.
His name is Harvey, Harvey Morgomaster.
Harvey, like myself, is a security expert.
He worked in the Army as a camouflauge artist, painting the insides of payroll vaults.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home.
For instance, the TPFLM System.
TPFLM? Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine.
Or, how about these rec room search lights, color co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance.
And, for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha.
It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr.
Kromer.
Wait a minute.
If we have our lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for? Okay, okay.
That's a very good question.
I'm going to ask you a question now.
In the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs? Oh, we have a fridge.
Okay.
I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique.
If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato.
Tomato? Yeah.
Just a common household tomato.
Green, red, I don't care.
Ripe, unripe.
Okay.
See how frightening that was? How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! Sit down.
Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn't it? I want to talk you, Mrs.
Kromer.
My briefcase please, Harvey.
Mrs.
Kromer, say, a criminal entered your kitchen with intent to preparing illicit piece of toast.
- Toast? - Toast.
Only we offer the crisper crust self detonating fragmentation toaster.
Or there's handy 357 Magnum Mixmaster.
Comes in avocado green.
Yes, and harvest gold.
Here we have the sandwich sensitive hot plate laser.
Oh, that's very nice.
I'm gonna ask you a question, Mr.
Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly.
Would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen? Oh, no.
Of course not.
Mrs.
Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen? It would depend on who the person Look, Mr.
Kromer, how how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, 2 million dollars, if you had it? If I had it, yeah.
Or, one million dollars? Sure.
If I had a million, yeah.
Have you got $499.
99? Honey, we were saving that money! We were? You don't think you know how unsafe your family really is.
For instance, where's your son, uh - Ronnie.
- Ronnie, right now? He's outside playing in the yard.
Well, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya? We'll take it! We'll take it! Okay, let the kid go.
I'm glad you decided.
Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up In the dawn of civilization, long before the Bronze Age, man first began his search for the close shave.
Since then, man has been ardently striding to design the perfect shaving instrument.
From the straight razor, to the safety razor, to the injector system, and finally the highly acclaimed twinblade cartridge.
Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom.
Introducing the Triple-Trac.
Not just two blades in one system, but 3 stainless, platinum teflex-coated blades melded together to form one incredible shaving cartridge, easily fitted into your old twinblade holder.
Triple-Trac's triple-threat cartridge, with more close shaves than ever before.
Here's how it works.
The first blade grabs at the whisker, tugging it away from your face to protect it from the second blade.
Blade number two catches and digs into the stubble before it has the chance to snap back and injure you, pulling it farther out so that it is now ready for shearing.
Triple-Trac's third blade, a finely-honed bonded platinum instrument, cuts cleanly through the whisker at its base, leaving your face as smooth as a billiard ball.
The Triple-Trac.
Because you'll believe anything.
I don't know about you but I sure could listen to Janis Ian one more time.
Just wanna thank you all for having some live fun with us.
You at home and everybody here.
And wanna thank all the guests, of course.
Janis Ian, Billy Preston, Albert Brooks, the Muppets, Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman, the Not quite Ready for Prime Time Players and everyone who took part in this.
And I would not be sensible and sane if I didn't tell ya I got a brand new album this week.
I hope you'll see it.
Bye-bye.
rockstarr.
tistory.
com
- Good eveniee.
Good evening.
Good eveniee.
Good Good eveniee.
Let us begin.
Repeat after me.
- I would like - I would like - to feed your fingertips - to feed yur fingerteeps - to the wolverines.
- to de wolver-eenes.
Next, - I am afraid - I em afred - we are out - we are out - of badgers.
- of badjurs.
- Would you accept - Would you accept - a wolverine - a wolver-eene - in it's place? - een es place.
Next, "Hey," Ned exclaimed "Hey," Ned asclaimed - "let's boil - "let's boil - the wolverines.
" - the wolver-eenes.
" Next Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! NBC's Saturday Nights, starring George Carlin with Janis Ian and Billy Preston.
A film by Albert Brooks.
Jim Henson's Muppets, The Not For Ready Prime Time Players, and comedians, Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman.
Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us - live.
I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball games.
So many, man All the time.
And this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit, they moved the hash marks in.
Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the No.
1 sport, the national pasttime.
And I think it already is, because football represents something we are, we are Europe, Jr.
When you get right down to it, we're Europe, Jr.
We play a Eurpe game.
What was the Europe game? "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition.
And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game.
You knock the crap out of 11 guys and take their land away from them.
Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time.
That's the way we did it with the Indians, we won it little by little.
First down in Ohio.
Midwest to go! I think it's not surprising that the football advise and Let's put it this way, there are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away.
Football is technological, baseball is pastoral.
Football is played in a stadium, baseball is played in the park.
In football, you wear a helmet, in baseball, you wear a cap.
Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid and every one of them is the same size, baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to inifinity and every park is different! Football is rigidly timed, baseball has no time limit, we don't know when it's gonna end! We might even have extra innings! In football, you get a penalty, in baseball, you make an error, whoops! The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone, in baseball, the object is to go home! "I'm going home!" And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense, in baseball, they have the sacrifice.
Honey, I'm home! - Daddy! Daddy! - Hey, pal! How are you doing? You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family everything you need for the future, or is it? What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them? Sure, you've provided for them financially, but what about their emotional and physical needs? - Honey, I'm home! - Daddy! Yes, it's "New Dad!" a radically new concept in family insurance coverage.
Within seconds after "Old Dad" is out, we'll have "New Dad" in there to take his place.
Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way? Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and ask him about our "New Dad" policy, before it's too late.
That's "New Dad", the only insurance that covers all of their needs.
"New Dad", Tops In Pops.
And now, Billy Preston, with "Nothing From Nothing!" Now I must have order please or I'll be forced to clear this courtroom.
Ms.
Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway? He said, "Hey, baby, h-how'd you like to, uh" I can't, I Now, please, Ms.
Davis.
I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.
He said "h-how'd you like to, uh" - Don't make me say it - Objection.
The witness is not on trial here.
Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.
Objection.
Heresay.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms.
Davis might write down the defendent's remarks on a piece of paper.
And now, here's Andy Kaufman! Mister Trouble never hangs around When he hears this Mighty sound: "Here I come to save the day!" That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right Mighty Mouse will join the fight.
On the sea or on the land He gets the situation well in hand.
So though we are in danger, we never despair 'Cause we know that where there's danger, he is there! He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air! We're not worryin' at all We're just listenin' for his call: "Here I come to save the day!" That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! We're not worryin' at all We're just listenin' for his call: "Here I come to save the day!" That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! How many of you have heard this in your home, "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house.
" Here's another thing you hear at home, mostly guys say this, "Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which one?" "This week's underwear.
" Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I do.
I can't help it.
I do.
Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can't do it.
People keep bringing it back to you, man.
"Hey, uh, your wastebasket is in the garbage here!" Check this out.
When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there's always one weird piece of bacon.
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, that's their job, man! As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport.
There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us, but the airport is where they're kind of trying it out.
As you know, they search your bags, to make sure there's no weapons.
"Don't want any weapons on the plane! you know.
" They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and, "No weapons! Let 'em on!" You get on the plane, and you're clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man.
I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess's neck and threaten paper cuts! "Do what he says! Do what he says!" Oh.
.
there's a moment coming.
There's a moment coming, it's it's not here yet.
It's on the way.
It's still in the future.
Here, here it is! Oh, it's gone, man.
There's no present, Everything is the near future and the recent past.
No wonder we can't get anything together, we've got no time, man? We would like to introduce to you, Janis Ian.
Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to "Victims of Shark Bite.
" My first guest, Mr.
Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.
Mr.
Gresner, would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of shark bite? I'd be happy to, Phyllis.
Uh I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island.
It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder.
I didn't know what it was at first, my left arm felt numb.
Well, my arm was gone.
Since then, I've had to learn to do everything with my right hand.
Just when did this incident take place? Oh, I'd say maybe three, four months ago.
I've had, uh I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand Excuse me, Mr.
Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.
Nope! It's gone, see? Shark bit it off! Nothing there! No, Mr.
Gresner, that's your sleeve.
You do have a left arm and it looks perfectly normal to me.
- It does? - Yes.
It was my leg! My leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I'm an invalid Mr.
Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg.
You see? You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you.
I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off We'll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.
I've got a scar here where my sister pushed me off a porch This is my best friend, my business partner, my advisor, my companion, my wife.
And I love her.
She's quite a gal, you know.
She takes care of the house, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vests at our own boutique, and still has enough energy to give me the attention I need at the end of a long day.
I don't know how you do it.
Well, I take care of myself.
get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I get enough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day.
Makes me take it, too.
Jamitol.
More than twice the iron and high-potency vitamins found in other supplements.
Tablet or liquid.
My wife.
She's quite a gal.
And I love her for it.
I'm Paul Simon, and I'll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week.
I'll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, and my ex-partner, Art Garfunkel, for a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion.
I hope you'll watch.
And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase! Our top story tonight, dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Now, world leaders in the news, Japan Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week.
The Emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Dateline, Washington.
At a press conference Thursday night, President Ford blew his nose.
Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday, in Washington, President Ford bumped his head 3 times getting into his helicopter.
The CIA immediately denied reports that it had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway.
Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he has written his own campaign slogan.
The slogan? "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?" The Post Office announced today Just a second, I lost my place.
The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States.
It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.
Murder at the Blaine Hotel again.
For a live report, let's go to Laraine Newman in midtown Manhatten, at the Blaine hotel.
Laraine? Chevy, I'm standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago.
The motive, again, murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings.
In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel a pockmark on the neck of midtown Manhatten.
Once again, grizzly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel.
Laraine Newman, reporting.
Arthritis in the adult is painful, lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage.
Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled with neuralgia and severe muscular tension.
Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort.
Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling for special relief.
Triopenin, a compound of powerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines, speeds soothing relief where needed.
Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids in soothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints.
Soon, you're handling life again, feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation.
Triopenin, get your hands working again.
Now with the new childproof safety cap.
Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhatten.
The Blaine, a tradition for more than half a century.
Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo.
It's the first such birth in captivity on record.
baby chick made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under 14 grams, and according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely.
The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply "Pip".
One humourous note, the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that's news this evening.
This is Chevy Chase.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Come with us now from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats From the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats This land was made for me! And me only! Cause I am Ploobis! King of all I survey.
Scred! Scred! Yes, oh high supreme mucky muck, sir! Scred, I'm hungry.
Ohh what would please your flatulence? FOOD! See, I'm hungry.
And when I get hungry, I get a headache.
And when I get a headache, I get, uh Furious? No.
Angry? NO! - Cranky! - NO! - Peevish! - NO! - Irked! - NO! - MILDLY ANNOYED! - That's IT! Oh, thank you, sire.
I get mildly annoyed when I don't have food.
I'll see to it immediately, your grossness.
Hmm.
This is something Peuta should have taken care of I heard that! I don't have time to worry about your food.
Especially in my condition.
Mmmm.
I said, especially in my condition.
- Especially in your condition.
- Yes.
- And? - Yes.
What do you expect me to do about it? - You're too old to molt.
- Arrgh! Oh, Ploobis, I don't know what my problem is.
I'm just not in the swing of things.
You see I'm having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.
Releasing your darts.
Urrgh.
- What should I do about it? - Go to The Mighty Favog.
He's the only one who can relieve my pain.
Your pain is my pain, m'dear.
Well, I'm going to lie down now.
Perhaps the darts will loosen.
would it help if I massaged your moogies? Ow, ow, ow, ow! Only joking, only kidding, Your Majesty! Don't say it if you don't mean it.
Yes, sire.
Ah, there you are.
Here's your food, Ploobis! Thank you, Vazh.
What've you got here? Grrrh Let go of it, would you? Tastes like boiled Kleenex.
This tastes familiar, is this anyone I know? Will you want dessert, Ploobis? Unnnh.
What I want, Angel Buns, is not on the menu.
Come here, you.
Ohhh.
Yeah.
Oh, sweetheart.
Ploobis! What are you doing? Ah! Well, uh Excuse me, ma'am.
I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog, you see.
DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY? Uh one! Me and Scred.
TALK TA ME.
Oh, Mighty Favog! I got a problem.
BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL? Scred? Medical, your grossness.
Oh, Mighty Favog, it's medical.
- MEDICAL.
- Mmm.
IT'S GONNA COST YA.
THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK.
Holy guacamole.
Whatcha got on you, Scred? Just two chickens.
But that's carfare home! Oh Favog, I offer you two chickens.
It's all I've got! BUSINESS IS SLOW.
I'LL TAKE 'EM.
Pay him the chickens.
Oh, okay, but phooey, anyway.
Are you ready? LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD! Here they come! AWRIGHT.
STATE YOUR PROBLEM.
Oh, Mighty Favog! My charming wife Peuta can't release her darts.
AWRIGHT.
YA READY? We are ready, Oh Mighty Favog! HERE IS THE ANSWER! Well? CHEER UP.
THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
For that, I paid two chickens? LIKE I SAID, CHEER UP, THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
YOU COULDA PAID FOUR CHICKENS.
NEXT! You can't argue with that Yeah I'M HERE EVERY DAY! TELL YER FRIENDS! Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.
Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.
Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man!" Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.
Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food, I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime, yellow is lemon, orange is orange, red is cherry.
What's blue? There's no blue! They say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh.
Blue on the vine, purple on the plate.
There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably it bestows immortality! They're keeping it from us! We have no blue food, please? I'll take my vitamin.
Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side.
The plain-looking vitamins.
And you have a whole lot, and you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need and they're not marked.
And the jar you put them in isn't marked.
If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins.
That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins! The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me.
What is a Jumbo Shrimp? It's like Military Intelligence, the words don't go together, man.
New York cab driver, temporarily blinded, still puts in 45 hour week! - Excuse me! - Hm? Sir? Yes, how did this happen to you? Well, I was takin' a fare to one of those movie premieres.
You know them big spotlights? - Where they've the lights in the sky? - Yeah.
I always wondered how they get 'em so bright so I went and stared into it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Stared into the light? - Yeah.
- For how long? - About a half an hour.
Yeah? The doctor says it's only temporary, my sight'll probably come back.
Oh, that's good.
And yet you still drive? Damn right I still drive! What should I do? Sit home and collect welfare? I know these streets like the back of my hand.
- Yeah? - That's right.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Gotta go now, pal.
Got a fare.
Okay.
- Any cars in front of us? - No.
In an unprecedented move to ease world tensions, the country of Israel and the state of Georgia have agreed to change places.
The entire state of Georgia, residents, businesses, all forms of commerce will relocate in the Middle East on January 1st, 1977.
No buildings will be moved.
It will be an even property exchange.
This is indeed an auspicious occasion of the 20th century and I hope that New Orleans will be easier to deal with than Cairo.
I know-I know that my entire state is looking forward to heat without humidity.
In a sweeping majority vote, this progressive state has decided to lower the age of consent from 18 to 7.
Businesses of all types report a surge in activity.
Actually, uh, I'm-I'm in advertising.
Here, I'll show ya, this is my company here.
I can't read yet.
Oh, well, this says that I'm in charge of casting.
I cast a lot of people, you know, like yourself.
Mm hm.
You have very nice cheekbones.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm with "The Impossible Truth", do you live in this area? - No, I'm from L.
A.
- Ah! Who's your date? It's just someone I'm talking to here.
Let me ask you something Why don't you just leave us for a little while, huh? All right.
Uh, I'm staying, uh, at the Inn, you know, out by the airport there.
- Yeah? - Maybe, I don't know if you have time Although "The Impossible Truth" airs what it must, some things it airs disgusts it.
While you are viewing this, "The Impossible Truth" continues to investigate new leads.
Like the woman who swims 24 hours a day every day of her life.
Or the man who can eat a thousand eggs.
Or the genius with an I.
Q.
of over 240.
and now we return to "Bee Hospital.
" Mr.
Bee! Yes? Congratulations! It's a drone! - It's a drone! - It's a drone! - Congratulations! - It's a drone! Mr.
Bee? Yes? Congratulations! It's a drone! It's a drone! It's a drone! That's great.
- Mr.
Bee? - Yes? Congratulations! It's a worker! It's a worker? - It's a worker.
- Hey, it's a worker.
Awwww, it's a worker! Thus, concludes this week's chapter of "Bee Hospital.
" And now, a scene from next week's episode of "Bee Hospital.
" - Mr.
Bee? - Yes? Congratulations, Mr.
Bee, it's a queen! It's a queen! - Hello? - Hello! By just answering this phone call, you have qualified for a challenging new career that could earn you up to 80 dollars a day! Tell me more! Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads for so-called training schools has created a demand for skilled phone answerers to take calls and write down messages? It's true.
The countless schools and institutions that teach you computer programming, motel management, airport surveillance and diesel mechanics, to name but a few, desperately need operators to stand by at the end of their TV ads.
Now, ABC, the Academy of Better Careers, offers you the chance to become one of these sought after, high paid stand-by operators.
You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques from our staff of experienced instructors.
You'll explore the telephone, its past, its present, and even the amazing picture phones of the future.
In only six weeks, our experts will show you everything you need to know to answer phones professionally.
ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction - and is eligible under the Stu - Excuse me, mister.
- I have to get off.
- But where are you going? To call ABC and start my new career as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator! Hey! Don't let life put you on hold! Become a stand-by operator! Call now for free booklet! Call (311) 555-4425.
That's (311) 555-4425.
Operators are standing by to take your call.
And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield! Thank you.
I don't look like a comedian, do I? That's because I'm not, I'm a school teacher, and people I need a lot of silence in this room if I'm going to talk.
People people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let's bring you out of the suburbs and into the city.
I'd like to have a few words with you.
Okay, okay, people.
Now, today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup.
The principal is a what? Is this a French film I'm living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I'd like to make them! Okay, people now first of all, we're in our lovely gym togs and I'd like to keep them looking lovely and crisp.
Turquiose and white are a very good combination.
But, keep the box pleat nice and neat.
Don't sit down during the game.
And another thing people, please, two points I'd like to make here.
Dress shields, dress shields, girls.
Just for that little extra neatness.
Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let's keep them back off the eyes, okay? I've got some hairnets here.
"oohhh" yourselves! Now, people, Okay.
I've got team captain Debbie here would like to have a few words with you before the game.
Okay? Debbie? Thanks.
Okay, shut up.
Okay, so we're going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn't be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute.
And listen to me, something really great.
There's some guys out there who are such duh's, you wouldn't believe! There's Jimmy and Mark and Connor and when I think about the guys I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!! Have a good game.
We at Saturday Night wanted to see what kind of people carry guns.
So we took our camera crew into the streets to find out.
When you see our Saturday Night truck in your neighborhood, show us your guns! It's already Sunday, and it's God's day OFF!! That's what it said in the Bible.
He worked six days, then He took Sunday off.
It's His one day off, and THAT'S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him.
"It's my day off, man!" Well, we create God in our own image and likeness.
No question about that.
Every time I see a picture of God, He has knees and toenails, right? and a good example, a better example of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God.
When we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive.
"Hey! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!" You ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time.
Don't worry, don't worry.
The universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard.
It's alright.
Things work out well.
But, uh, we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we'll go around describing Him to each other.
He's infinite, and we can never understand Him, but I'll describe him for 'ya!" Well, here's what it's like, first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything.
He knows absolutely everything.
I don't even know what I'm talking about, He knows what I mean.
Secondly, He never started and He's never gonna end.
And third, He is all powerful.
He can do anything.
He can throw a car right over a wall.
He's just like us, He's a cool guy, that's all God is, a cool guy.
That's what all the religions told us.
"He's like us, He's us.
" That's what all the big ones, all the big religions said, "Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you're all basically the same person.
We just don't have uniforms yet, that's all.
" And we do go for that, don't we? We kinda buy that.
"Oh, yeah, I'm God.
Sure.
Stanley is God.
Arlene is God.
God and me are Arlene and Stanley.
" It's a little complicated, but we do kinda believe that.
And if God is like us, I think perhaps he might be subject to Physical Laws.
I mean, supernatural? But subject to Physical Laws, possibly.
It would explain a lot of things.
It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger.
I mean, if He's God, why doesn't He show up? "Hey, I got a message for 'ya, here you go.
" He sends an angel.
And the angel always flies in over a mountain.
I mean, that implies that you're traversing over a phyical space.
So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws.
People say, "Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?" He can't help, it lady! He's subject to Physical Laws! Maybe He's only a, uh, semi Supreme being.
Because He's like us, and we're not perfect.
I think God may not be perfect.
I think His work shows that.
Take a look at a mountain range.
They're all crooked, they're never in line.
All different sizes.
There are no two leaves that same.
He can't even give 2 people the same fingerprints! He's had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE DIED!! Everything so far!! So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He's batting .
000! Now, some religions, which are not to be confused with God.
Some religions will tell you that it's quite okay not to worry about your own life.
Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts.
It was God's will! It's God's will! "Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don't look at me.
God's will!" Can't you see a lynch mob going, "Let's get this guy, God! That's the 4th kid He's killed this week!" Religion, religion, at best, at BEST, is like a lift in your shoe.
If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better, fine.
But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled.
Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
Thank you.
Once again, here's Billy Preston, with his new hit, "Fancy Lady.
" Oh, honey! "Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.
Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay? What was that?! What's going on?! Hi, there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery.
Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time, in fact, it just has! Honey, call the police! Do something! No, don't call the police.
I am the police! I might be, anyway.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Kromer.
My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I'm President of Trojan Horse Home Security.
I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime.
I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices.
You might say security is my life.
I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure.
I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona.
And, you, Mr.
Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house.
If you think you can.
If I think I can?! You're a pretty hefty guy, Mr.
Kromer I ask little lady get prefer Don't worry, folks, he won't hurt you! This is my assistant, he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security.
His name is Harvey, Harvey Morgomaster.
Harvey, like myself, is a security expert.
He worked in the Army as a camouflauge artist, painting the insides of payroll vaults.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home.
For instance, the TPFLM System.
TPFLM? Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine.
Or, how about these rec room search lights, color co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance.
And, for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha.
It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr.
Kromer.
Wait a minute.
If we have our lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for? Okay, okay.
That's a very good question.
I'm going to ask you a question now.
In the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs? Oh, we have a fridge.
Okay.
I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique.
If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato.
Tomato? Yeah.
Just a common household tomato.
Green, red, I don't care.
Ripe, unripe.
Okay.
See how frightening that was? How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! Sit down.
Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn't it? I want to talk you, Mrs.
Kromer.
My briefcase please, Harvey.
Mrs.
Kromer, say, a criminal entered your kitchen with intent to preparing illicit piece of toast.
- Toast? - Toast.
Only we offer the crisper crust self detonating fragmentation toaster.
Or there's handy 357 Magnum Mixmaster.
Comes in avocado green.
Yes, and harvest gold.
Here we have the sandwich sensitive hot plate laser.
Oh, that's very nice.
I'm gonna ask you a question, Mr.
Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly.
Would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen? Oh, no.
Of course not.
Mrs.
Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen? It would depend on who the person Look, Mr.
Kromer, how how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, 2 million dollars, if you had it? If I had it, yeah.
Or, one million dollars? Sure.
If I had a million, yeah.
Have you got $499.
99? Honey, we were saving that money! We were? You don't think you know how unsafe your family really is.
For instance, where's your son, uh - Ronnie.
- Ronnie, right now? He's outside playing in the yard.
Well, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya? We'll take it! We'll take it! Okay, let the kid go.
I'm glad you decided.
Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up In the dawn of civilization, long before the Bronze Age, man first began his search for the close shave.
Since then, man has been ardently striding to design the perfect shaving instrument.
From the straight razor, to the safety razor, to the injector system, and finally the highly acclaimed twinblade cartridge.
Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom.
Introducing the Triple-Trac.
Not just two blades in one system, but 3 stainless, platinum teflex-coated blades melded together to form one incredible shaving cartridge, easily fitted into your old twinblade holder.
Triple-Trac's triple-threat cartridge, with more close shaves than ever before.
Here's how it works.
The first blade grabs at the whisker, tugging it away from your face to protect it from the second blade.
Blade number two catches and digs into the stubble before it has the chance to snap back and injure you, pulling it farther out so that it is now ready for shearing.
Triple-Trac's third blade, a finely-honed bonded platinum instrument, cuts cleanly through the whisker at its base, leaving your face as smooth as a billiard ball.
The Triple-Trac.
Because you'll believe anything.
I don't know about you but I sure could listen to Janis Ian one more time.
Just wanna thank you all for having some live fun with us.
You at home and everybody here.
And wanna thank all the guests, of course.
Janis Ian, Billy Preston, Albert Brooks, the Muppets, Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman, the Not quite Ready for Prime Time Players and everyone who took part in this.
And I would not be sensible and sane if I didn't tell ya I got a brand new album this week.
I hope you'll see it.
Bye-bye.
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com