Saturday Night Live (1975) s34e16 Episode Script
Alec Baldwin
Please let us know, because we're all here waiting.
Here's the deal.
Pelosi says the Democratic House and Senate members want to work out their version of the bill, and then show it to us for our input.
So basically, we're being cut out.
Looks that way.
That's great.
Perfect.
They're not letting us participate at all.
- It's like we don't even exist.
- We're totally powerless.
You're right.
It's just what we hoped for.
Complete political irrelevance.
Now when the stimulus bill causes the economy to go bad, I think we could actually have a bad economy.
We get to say, "Don't blame us.
We had nothing to do with it.
"We wanted to leave the economy alone.
" Exactly.
Unless I've lost my political instincts, that, my friends, is a winning campaign issue.
So barring some miracle, next election we're back in the majority.
You can take it to the bank.
I can't believe he's playing into our hands like this.
Speaking of playing into our hands, did anyone catch the president's press conference this week? What a disaster.
The single most embarrassing public appearance by a U.
S.
President in history.
Did you see that 1st question, asked about the state of the economy and he proceeds to give a detailed 7-minute answer citing specific figures on unemployment, mortgage default rates and credit markets and making the case for government intervention.
I'm like, "OK, what?" Hello? Too much information.
You had me then you lost me.
It was painful to watch.
I actually felt sorry for the guy.
If it was a fight, they would have stopped it.
How about when he said, I kid you not, he actually said this: "One thing I'm not going to do "is go back to the failed policies of the last 8 years.
" Air ball! A swing and a miss.
- Definitely not his best moment.
- That one rolled foul.
Sean Hannity had a great line about the press conference.
He said, "This is change we can believe in? "Not if you ask me.
" That is hilarious.
That's a great line.
- Hannity's brilliant.
- Smartest man in America.
Wait a minute.
Sean Hannity is the smartest man in America? In my opinion.
Smarter than Rush? I think he's as smart as Rush.
That's idiotic.
No one is as smart as Rush Limbaugh.
You need to take that back! A man's entitled to his opinion.
I'm sorry.
Some things are just be on the pale.
As Republicans, we don't have to agree on everything.
You like Rush, Eric here likes Sean and someone else like Michael Savage.
We're a big tent party, but at the end of the day we stick together and that's the reason we're on such a hot streak.
I agree.
Our party is at the top of its game, and that's why now is the perfect time for impeachment.
We're united.
We'll get every Republican vote.
I don't know.
Remember Obama's only been president for 3 weeks.
I'm telling you, impeaching Obama is a political winner.
No question about that.
I just wonder if you're going to get many Democrats to vote for impeachment.
I think they will.
After that press conference Monday? P- you.
He laid an egg with that one.
Unless I'm very wrong a lot of democrats we'll be looking to cut this guy loose.
For them, impeachment is the smart move.
My gut tells me it's too soon.
Maybe in April.
Can we at least raise the issue of the White House sleep-overs? Refresh my memory.
The President said recently that his daughters will be inviting their friends over to the White House for sleep-overs.
It's a dynamite issue.
We're talking about God knows how many 7 to 10-year-old girls staying over at the White House, wandering around, causing who knows how much wear and tear on the carpeting? To say nothing of the increased utility bills and the cost of the snacks involved? Why should the American taxpayer be footing the bill for this madness? Unless I'm politically tone-deaf, the whole country is waiting to see those Obama kids taken down a peg.
Especially the younger one.
I agree.
Going after the Obama girls is political gold.
But it's got to be done very carefully.
I'll tell you why.
Otherwise, there's a chance it could be counter-productive.
Hang on.
I see.
Thank you for calling.
That was Pelosi.
They're nowhere near finished, so they decided to adjourn for today.
The entire Washington press corps is outside.
What are we supposed to talk about? How about the sleep-overs? It's the perfect time.
Young man, I like your instincts.
Let's do it! Majority here we come! And before I forget Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
16 - 14 Feb.
2009 Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers It's great to be here again hosting Saturday Night Live.
A lot of exciting things have been happening for me since the last time I was here.
But before I get to that, I want to take a moment to say, thank you, Christian Bale.
Who has replaced me as the person most synonymous with recorded celebrity meltdowns.
Since the last time I've been here, I've won an Emmy and a Golden Globe and a SAG award for 30 Rock.
You're too kind.
But I'm not a believer in individual honors.
30 Rock is an ensemble effort and as luck would have it, one of my colleagues from the show, a personal friend of mine, is here tonight.
You And by "you", I mean America might not know him yet, but I think he's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack McBrayer.
That's enough! I said, that's enough! Shut up! That's enough.
I'd love to spend more time on Jack, but we have to move on to questions from the audience.
- I'm so nervous.
- It's OK.
Ask away.
It's actually a question for Jack McBrayer.
Very well.
You're my favorite part of 30 Rock.
If I may, that's not really a question, it's more of a statement, an opinion.
I'm talking to Jack.
Who is your favorite person on 30 Rock to work with? It's such a talented group.
I guess If I had to pick a favorite I would say that I can't.
I like them all equally.
You can't name one, really? I'm right here.
I got a question.
Go right ahead.
Did you ever meet Tina Fey? Yes, obviously.
Did you ever meet Jack McBrayer? He's right here.
He is? The star of 30 Rock.
Where were you at the beginning? I was getting something to eat.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I take a picture? They normally don't allow cameras, but go ahead.
Jack can you get up there? Would you? Thank you.
Just one more for safety.
I just want to say I loved you in Glenngary Glenn Ross.
I was talking to Jack.
I was in the community theater version of Glenngary Glenn Ross back in Conyers, Georgia.
"Always be closing, please.
" It was a real thrill.
We were the ones who were thrilled.
One last question.
Are you ever going to host? I hope to, someday.
Just once or twice, though, not a whole bunch of times.
I don't want to seem desperate.
Then, Jack, why don't we get a head start? You mean it? Let's do this.
We've got a great show.
The Jonas Brothers are here! So stick around.
We'll be right back.
It's sounds really off.
Is something wrong? Do we really have to do it? It was a unanimous vote.
We have to kick him out of the band.
- But he is our brother.
- You don't think I know that? Sorry I'm late.
Security guard was all, "You're parked in the wrong spot.
" So I was all, "I'm Gary Jonas, I'll park wherever I want.
" And he was all, "Your spot's two spots over.
Why don't you move?" I then hit him in the head with my sax and I ran over here.
How funny is that? It's not that funny.
Nick's always so serious.
If I wanted your 16-year-old advice, I would have asked for it.
Let's not forget, I'm the oldest Jonas.
How could we forget? Are you putting out an album of whisper songs? If not, maybe you should speak up when you address your oldest brother.
Let's just calm down.
I'll decide who does what around here.
I'm the oldest Jonas.
By two years.
I'm sorry I blew my top.
Before we get back to rehearsal, I had a great idea.
What if we changed our name to the Doughnut Brothers? I think it can get us a really cool sponsorship deal.
Solid, right? I don't think we should do that.
I think we should vote.
Let's remember, as the oldest brother, my vote is worth double.
All in favor of the Doughnut Brothers? All opposed? Damn.
Congratulations, you guys officially hate success.
Actually, we voted on something else a little bit earlier.
What would that be? We're thinking the Jonas Brothers should be a three-man group.
I'm sorry, Nick.
But I have to agree with them.
You're weird, creepy and you smell bad.
- We're not voting Nick out.
- I'm glad.
Nick, you've always been my favorite.
Try to forget the stuff I said about you being weird and creepy and smelly.
So, who is it then? That makes sense.
He's not one of us.
His straight hair, his eyebrows look like they were drawn in with a sharpie.
It's you.
You're joking.
We're not.
Maybe you've all forgotten that my vote is worth two.
- It won't matter.
- We'll see about that.
All in favor of me staying, quickly for Gary? All opposed? Please let that be it.
Damn.
I hope you guys like riots.
That's what you're going to get when there's no Gary at your next concert.
I think we'll be OK.
Where is this all coming from? You broke all our rules.
Which rules? You drink, you smoke.
And we're pretty sure you do drugs.
First of all, I thought those rules were optional.
Second of all, I was pretty high when you told them to me.
We're sorry.
I'm your brother.
How can you do this to me? When you showed up last week and said you were our long-lost brother, we got a little nervous and checking into it and got a private investigator.
I'm going to stop you right there.
I know, you're jealous of me.
You think the girls can't take their eyes off me, and you're right.
So I will leave But guys, come on! We're the Doughnut Brothers! - We're not! - It was worth a shot.
If I'm out of the band, I guess you want my ring back.
You can keep your purity ring.
Purity ring? What's a purity ring? In that case you're definitely going to want this back.
I would wash that.
Better yet, just throw it in the garbage, because it is broken.
You have to go.
I quit.
- You can't quit.
- Just let him go.
I'm out of here.
You're a bunch of weirdos.
Especially you, Nick.
You're the weirdest.
- My name's not Gary.
- What is it? Not the one you're thinking of, not the one from 30 rock.
I'm out of here.
But seriously, guys think about it.
Free doughnuts.
You're weird.
It's The Cougar Den with Jacklyn Seeken, Toni Ward, introducing Barbara Lenka.
I am Toni, and welcome to The Cougar Den.
To my left is one of my dearest friends, Jacqueline.
To my right is someone I met at a mature vitamin section at GNC, our new friend Barbara.
So, Valentine's day is coming up, what do you have planned? I'm going to take a bath with a cardboard cutout of Spencer Pratt.
I'm going to suck down some jell-o shooters.
And wander around USC's campus wearing a t-shirt that says "I'll pay you and this won't get messy.
" I don't know if you guys know this, but I treated myself to a Jonas Brothers concert as a pre-Valentine's day You deserve it.
- I was thrown out.
- What happened? I was really rocking out, pumping my fists When my menopause patch flew off my arm and into a young girl's mouth.
She went into estrogen shock.
Really? That's all I can say until the trial is over.
Facebook break! Becoming a fan of Zach Efron.
25 random things about me.
I'm poking someone.
Kenneth, I'm poking you.
You know I'd poke you back, but I'm scared something might fall off.
Our first guest has written a book entitled, Stop that boy, I want to get on.
Please welcome, Blaine Bagby.
Hello, ladies.
I am major, major excited to be here.
As you know, I am a cou-gay.
And as a cou-gay, I face many of the same obstacles you do, the biggest being how to keep it tight and right and in the light.
You tell it, gay cougar.
Even though I'm known in the gay community for my selfishness, I can't take full credit.
I co-wrote this with our friend, Kiki Deamore.
It's so good to be back.
Working with Blaine on this book was a passion project.
Literary passion, not sexual.
I like young boys, and he's a gay.
And she has una vahina, which is una vahina too many for me.
Anyway, we worked on this day and afternoon on this book.
We spent almost 45 minutes at the Kinko's.
It's only 30 pages, and I love that.
It's like a pamphlet, only a little bit thicker.
What would you call that? A thick pamphlet.
I like them thick up here, and down there.
We're talking about the pamphlet.
I beg you to stay on track.
My favorite part is in chapter 54 where you talk about checking IDs.
Let me tell you something, sisters, checking IDs is essential.
Because, these boys will lie, especially if they think it's going to get them a snowboard or a Paul Frank monkey wallet.
Or a hummer in the back of a hummer.
Don't need to tell me.
Last year I met a striking Puerto Rican man in a McDonald's play place.
After I bought him an Oreo McFlurry, he told me he was 21 and I took him home.
Three weeks later I found out he was 12 and a half.
That just made my wig system stand on end.
And my extension fell out.
You know what I do when my extensions fall out? I braid them, put a bead on them, tie them.
Boom, it's a bracelet.
PedEgg break.
Our PedEgg reservoir is full.
A lot of shavings.
The chamber is full of shavings.
What you need to worry about shaving is your upper lips.
Now it's time to introduce our new boyfriends.
- Come on out, guys.
- Come to mama.
These boys are so delicious, they're like 3 hot Cuban sandwiches with pickles and I like it, the pickles.
Sit down.
I'm all right.
Do you see the chemistry that is going on here? It is palpable.
The only chemistry I see is the chemistry of your bodies breaking down.
What's wrong with Kiki? Get them out of here! She's going to pounce! Put them some place safe, like my dressing room.
That's all the time we have.
Join us next week when we bring you our annual show from Diane Lane's front yard.
What's up, Andy? The jig.
The jig is up.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about your secret.
I know what it is.
And I have the VHS tape to prove it.
Where's the VCR? You turds got anything to say before I play this? Those guys look familiar, wouldn't you say? I don't know what you're talking about.
This tape is from 1983.
- You're crazy.
- Shall we watch another one? That's from 25 years ago.
- It really holds up.
- That's not the point.
What are you? - Highlanders? - Come on, man.
Let's just watch another one, then, just as fans.
Busted.
Just admit it.
- It proves anything.
- One more.
- How much money do you want? - Shut up.
- I'm not going to throw it all away.
- I don't want your money.
I just want to know how you stayed so young.
This guy.
What up, dude? Crazy, right? Look at these women.
I know what you're thinking.
Do they really look like this? The answer is no.
These photos have been professionally retouched and I know what else you're thinking.
Where's the butt? How're you doing? I'm sir Mix-a-lot.
I may have quit making hits, but I never quit liking big butts.
That's why I opened Sir Mix-A-Lot's Photo Shop.
'Cause we're the only photo lab that has enlarging butt affairs We'll handle your order quickly Professionally and efficiently You can toss it And leave it and Pull up quick to retrieve it Look at my butt.
It is so big, and I love it.
Thanks, sir Mix-a-lot.
We handle all kinds of blemishes.
Acne? No one will notice her acne now.
Who can focus on wrinkles with an ass like that? You want to crop someone out of a photo, perhaps after a messy divorce.
Somebody's back in the game.
We put every photo through a rigorous evaluation process.
To ensure that the butt is large enough I show each and every photo to Sniffles, my pet anaconda.
Because you see My anaconda don't want none Unless you got buns, hon.
He likes it.
You'll like our new two for one sale.
Or better known as the SPECIAL.
So come to my photo shop If you need to get your photos cropped If your photos need resizing Or you need a little extra thigh Fellows! This is an expert photo shop Take it Take these photos And enhance the butt Baby wants back Come on down and we'll enhance your butt.
I'm Seth Meyers and here are tonight's top stories.
The Senate, on Friday, gave final approval to the $787 billion economic stimulus package.
The 1,073-page bill is titled The American Recovery And Reinvestment Act.
Though, what many see as a troubling sign, it's subtitled "For dummies.
" NASA reported that two communications satellites, on Tuesday, collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming, "Save yourself!" Barack Obama, on Tuesday, became the tenth American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House press conference.
She asked the same first question she always does, "How will you end slavery?" In an interview with ESPN, Alex Rodriguez admitted, Monday, that he's taken steroids, though apparently, never in October.
Yesterday, the economic stimulus package was passed by the Senate.
Here to comment is Weekend update's very own financial expert, Oscar Rogers.
How are you? - You seem like you're in good spirits.
- I am.
I really am.
I've appeared on the show several times, in order to illustrate how we might fix our present economic woes.
And I'm thrilled to announce it has been fixed.
Obama and his stimulus plan fixed it! So you're not worried at all that the stimulus might falter? They fixed it! - But what - Fixed it! This influx of money into our economy will fix it, and now with Valentine's upon us, we can celebrate and do it! What are you talking about? Do it.
Doing it with your valentine.
- You have a valentine? - Not at the moment.
You need to fix that, so you can do it with your valentine.
It's a three-step process.
Do it.
Rest yourself.
Three, do it once more.
Four, bag it up and do it again.
First of all, that was a four-step process.
- I work with numbers.
- Do you? Let me make sure I understand you correctly.
The economy has been fixed and now it's time to have sex? I didn't say that.
I said it was time to do it.
It needs to be dirty.
'Cause once it's fixed, it's time to do it! While on a good will trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek nursed another woman's baby boy.
However the moment was marred when the baby burst.
Hayek said she nursed the boy because she noticed he was hungry and a related story Hey, sweet pea.
- What are you doing here? - I heard a baby crying.
That was me.
It was a joke.
So, is there a baby out here? There's no baby here.
Is that a baby? That's a cameraman.
What's that he's holding? Is that a baby? That's a camera.
Let me know if you see any babies, sugarplum.
Are you excited about the Oscars? Federal prosecutors want to send former mayor and current Washington, D.
C.
Council member, Marion Barry, to jail because they say he failed to file tax returns for 8 of the last 9 years.
Barry is expected to plead, "Bitch set me up.
" Dr.
Michael Kamrava, the in vitro fertilisation specialist, who helped Nadia Suleman conceive 8 babies has reportedly impregnated a 49 woman with quadruplets.
I don't know what an appointment with Dr.
Kamrava is like.
I imagine it starts a little something like this.
As the Oscars approach, coverage and criticism of the various nominees has been ramping up, especially among celebrity bloggers.
Here with a no holds barred commentary from the notoriously snarky website, bitchpleeze.
com, blogger, Angie Tempura.
It's a thrill to be here.
Go ahead.
Here's who's hot and who's definitely not.
In best supporting actress, Amy Adams.
As a princess in Enchanted, she's hot.
As a nun in Doubt, she's not.
Bitch, please.
Speaking of doubt, I doubt Marisa Tomei will win with those b-cups.
And, Taraji P.
Hanson, WTF, is that a name? Or a blood disease? That is pretty critical.
Let me just ask, is blogging your full-time job? I do data entry at Kaiser Permanente.
Continue.
Best schmactor, here's who should win the Oscar, the grouch award, Brad The Pitts for his role in "The Curious Case of Some Old Man Baby.
" Speaking of old men, Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon.
More like, who's that and who gives a f? Don't get me started on Robert The Downer Jr.
I hope he doesn't win anything ever except first place in a human stain contest.
Why do you hate these people so much? Because they're losers.
Can just I ask you one thing? Do you know who the president is? And can you find North America on this map? And what's the name of that brown-haired guy on TMZ? - Harvey Levin.
- That's enough.
Get out of here.
Drink your coffee.
Have some coffee.
Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe for fried chicken was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week after 5 months in hiding while security around it was upgraded.
Spoiler alert, it's salt everybody.
The secret ingredient is salt.
A homeless man in Florida who claimed to be the drummer for the rock band Foreigner allegedly tricked a woman into letting him use her Corvette and promptly crashed it.
Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on Letterman.
Joaquin Phoenix.
What's up, man? I just heard you were quitting acting to pursue a hip-hop career.
Good for you.
But now I'm quitting hip-hop to pursue a telling jokes career.
A telling jokes career? Lights.
Since you're out here, do you want to tell a joke? Tiger woods' wife gave birth to the couple's second child.
It's a baby boy who came in at 7 pounds, 8 ounces under par.
We need better security out here.
Or people's creeping up on me.
Police in Ohio say an 18-year-old ordered more than $37,000 worth of candy online and charged the bill to his former high school.
If you're 18 and the only thing you can think of is to spend $37,000 on is candy, maybe a little jail time will do you some good.
Today is Valentine's day, so we want to say to everyone watching at home, better luck next year.
For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
Good night.
You're watching TV Land, which means you've liked the same stuff for 40 years.
Good for you.
Up next, Vincent Price's Valentine's day special.
Valentine's day.
That special day when your pulse quickens Wait! The other right.
Valentine's day, that special day when your pulse quickens, not with your You're doing it again.
Go to the package.
Now, Colgate presents: Please welcome your host, Lord of the Shadows, Vincent Price! Good evening.
For 364 days out of the year, the sight of a diapered baby man with a bow and arrow would be cause for alarm, but today it is cause for celebration.
So tonight, we have decided to invite our favorite couples over to exchange valentines and teach us the true meaning of love! First, let's welcome Tinsel Town's favorite lovers, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Where do you keep your scotch? I ran out on the drive over.
- Where's Elizabeth? - She's in the car.
We got into a fight.
She says I'm unkind.
That foul, insolent cow of a woman.
The theme of our show, after all is true love.
There's nothing on earth I love more than that woman.
Dear God, she's discovered the horn.
There is only one thing that can cure this rage.
Where do you keep your meat? I need meats and butters.
And a basket and a stick and some twine to affix the basket to the stick.
I'll let you know what I find.
The door.
Not a minute too soon.
Joining us now from the hit Broadway show Hello Dolly, the radiant Carol Channing and her husband Charles.
Raspberries! Where is Charles, your valentine? I thought you said to bring the Ballantines.
Please and thank you.
We're over 2 on couples, but fortunately, we're going to be treated to some romantic music with Liberace and his female companion.
Hello Vincent, and hello young lovers.
Where's your date? The fleet shipped out yesterday.
A secret isn't a secret when you make no effort to hide it.
Just because it's Valentine's day doesn't mean we can't get a bit spooky.
I was wondering if you would like some chocolates.
I just hope things don't get out of hand.
Did someone move this box? Do you mind if I take 2 chocolates? Four chocolates? - All the chocolates? - Go for it.
Here! Feed, graze.
Does this speak at you? You, Wolverine! You, shut that woman up! That woman is an angel.
And don't you ever forget it.
Me and the hand have hit it off.
We're in love.
What's so great about a strange hand sticking through a hole? - Plenty.
- Watch it, Liberace! You're not at home.
Now, to conclude our show, I will serenade our lovers.
My funny valentine Sweet comic valentine You make me smile With my heart What's going on here? - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
Is there someone here who doesn't like watching a man and a woman make love? Why can't you two just behave like Carol? Where's the hand? I'll never tell.
Let's wrap it up! Lovers in the night Fear not the racing of your heart You may just be In love Happy Valentine's day, everybody! How long do I have to keep tug on this thing before something happens? Don't say it.
This has been Vincent Price's Valentine's Day Special.
Thanks for watching.
Troy, Jerry, so sorry to keep you waiting.
I was on the conference call from hell.
I've been there, Carl.
Don't worry about it.
I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.
With all of our hectic schedules, I'm just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.
Thanks for understanding.
Carol, hold my calls.
Before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting so we can get that out of the way.
That's a great idea.
We're going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get going on this high-profile project.
How is Monday for you guys? Monday is no good for me.
I'm getting my teeth cleaned.
I got to take my car into the shop for an oil change.
Tuesday? Tuesday's no good for me.
I have to get fitted for a new toupee.
This one doesn't quite give me the coverage I was hoping for.
- Wednesday? - I can't do Wednesday.
I got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town.
It's not going to be easy.
She weighs 400 pounds.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
Carol, hold my calls.
Thursday? I can't do Thursday.
I'm going to a briss.
I'm kind of nervous.
Hope it doesn't hurt as much as my first one.
Friday? I'm having a cattail sown on my upper butt so my daughter will want to play with me.
- She likes cats? - I sure hope she does.
I hate to work on weekends, but again, this is a high-profile project.
We're going to be buried up to our chinstraps.
So, what do you have on Saturday? I'm out for Saturday.
I got to tell my son he's gay.
I don't imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well.
Sunday? I don't know, how long does an autopsy take? - Generally 4 hours.
- Four times five Sunday is out for me.
How about Monday? I'm having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.
- Your daughter loves puppies? - I'm just locked out of the house.
Reminder.
High profile, chinstraps.
Next Monday? Next Monday is bad for me.
I'll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens.
They have a glory hole I really enjoy.
I'm volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.
- 11:30? - 11:30.
- No way, where? - 73rd and Broadway.
- See you there.
- You won't.
It's a glory hole.
Boys we're really in a jam here.
I'll say.
We need to come at this from a new angle.
Great idea.
Carol, let a call through.
Talk to me.
I just got fired.
I guess that frees up my schedule.
You want to do it right now? - Sure, I'm free.
- I'd love to do it right now.
Ten more minutes until dinner.
- Let's try to wrap it up.
- Dad, you gotta try this.
It's this awesome game for the Wii.
Get the stack of coins.
Now, shake it.
There you go.
- What the hell is this thing? - It's called Wario Shakes.
You're that little dude running around and you attack your enemies by shaking the hell out of them.
Or you can shake sacks of coins for more points.
- You want to try? - I wouldn't know Dad, just try it.
I'm the little fat guy? Run over there and grab that sack.
Shake the coins out of it.
You really have to shake it if you want to get all the coins.
You got more coins than I've ever seen.
Not bad for an old man.
- How did you do that? - I just did what came naturally.
- Do it again.
- I don't think I can so soon.
- Come on.
You have to try.
- Can I use my other hand? It feels so weird.
It's like someone else is playing.
I'm going to switch hand.
That was incredible.
I didn't know video games were like this.
Can we do two players? - You show me your technique.
- There's a massive sack of coins.
I saw them before you did.
I'm gonna empty my sack before you do! You're not doing it right.
Stop being so gentle with that thing.
Let me show you.
What's going on down there? Don't come down.
We're coming.
I'm playing with my Wii! You guys are having fun.
You have to try this.
- All you got to do - Your mother's going to be a natural.
You care about your family.
And you care about the earth.
But sometimes it can seem like we have to make a choice between the two.
Cloth diapers are easy on the planet but they're messy and hard to clean.
Disposable diapers are a snap, but I want to leave a better world for this little one.
Now, there's another way.
Introducing chewable pampers.
It's all the convenience of a disposable diaper in an eco-friendly package.
You see, chewable pampers are 100% edible.
They're made from easily digestable vegetable fibers.
So, cleanup is all natural, and no hassle.
Chewable pampers are super absorbent, and super delicious.
The secret is our anti-bacterial flavor crystals.
They activate on contact, and in no time a full diaper is safe to eat and irresistible.
In great flavors like tangy cheddar, spicy lentil and corn chowder.
You can smell when it's working.
Almost ready.
Chewable pampers are all great taste and no waste.
Baked into a savory organic potpie.
As part of a flavorful nutritious stew.
We're hungry.
Look in the bowl.
Chewable pampers! What's that smell? Dinner.
Chewable pampers, a favorite of mothers everywhere even mother nature.
Why not to go ride on a hot air balloon? You don't have to worry about terrorists or long lines.
And it's just you and me, up in the air.
I can see my house from here.
Just kidding.
Why not take a ride in my balloon? I'll cut you a deal.
Forget about airport security.
See you later, suckers.
I'm taking myself a hot air balloon ride.
Fresh air.
I'm not one of those college types that will talk your ear off.
I bought a balloon, it doesn't mean I think I'm better than everyone else.
Or I can just read a book.
I'm not one of those people who doesn't know how to be quiet.
So come on over.
Take a ride in my hot air balloon.
It will take you wherever you want to go.
I promise.
Come ride with me! I'm award winning actor Alec Baldwin.
If you're like me, you know there's nothing more moving in a film than seeing a character cough once, very subtly, to let you know that later on in that movie they're going to die.
As an actor I can tell you that playing these scenes isn't as easy as it looks.
That's why volume 72 of my DVD series, "Alec Baldwin's acting techniques for actors" is "First coughs: "mastering the art of foreshadowing your character's death.
" You'll learn such techniques as "I'm not even going to acknowledge it.
" That my friend is how you put a ship inside a bottle.
That is kicking.
Nothing to at all, son.
Now go get washed up, and when you come back I'll play you some real music.
It's called jazz.
Hurry up.
I don't have all day.
And the audience's favorite "It's nothing, it's just a cold.
" Will you marry me? - I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.
- You OK? - It's nothing.
It's just a cold.
Beat you down to the lake.
And, of course, the classic, "I don't need any damn doctors.
" Dad, you don't even want to meet your own grandson? I just want to be left alone.
You should get that checked out.
I don't need any damn doctors! Spoiler alert.
He needs a damn doctor.
Once you master those techniques, you can move on to more advanced coughs like the technically demanding, "Cough into a handkerchief, "notice that there's blood on it, look around nervously "then quickly shove it back in your pocket and hurry on your way.
" What are you waiting for? Take your acting career to the next level with "First coughs.
" It's nothing.
It's just a cold.
Order now.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Boogawanga, So.
Here's the deal.
Pelosi says the Democratic House and Senate members want to work out their version of the bill, and then show it to us for our input.
So basically, we're being cut out.
Looks that way.
That's great.
Perfect.
They're not letting us participate at all.
- It's like we don't even exist.
- We're totally powerless.
You're right.
It's just what we hoped for.
Complete political irrelevance.
Now when the stimulus bill causes the economy to go bad, I think we could actually have a bad economy.
We get to say, "Don't blame us.
We had nothing to do with it.
"We wanted to leave the economy alone.
" Exactly.
Unless I've lost my political instincts, that, my friends, is a winning campaign issue.
So barring some miracle, next election we're back in the majority.
You can take it to the bank.
I can't believe he's playing into our hands like this.
Speaking of playing into our hands, did anyone catch the president's press conference this week? What a disaster.
The single most embarrassing public appearance by a U.
S.
President in history.
Did you see that 1st question, asked about the state of the economy and he proceeds to give a detailed 7-minute answer citing specific figures on unemployment, mortgage default rates and credit markets and making the case for government intervention.
I'm like, "OK, what?" Hello? Too much information.
You had me then you lost me.
It was painful to watch.
I actually felt sorry for the guy.
If it was a fight, they would have stopped it.
How about when he said, I kid you not, he actually said this: "One thing I'm not going to do "is go back to the failed policies of the last 8 years.
" Air ball! A swing and a miss.
- Definitely not his best moment.
- That one rolled foul.
Sean Hannity had a great line about the press conference.
He said, "This is change we can believe in? "Not if you ask me.
" That is hilarious.
That's a great line.
- Hannity's brilliant.
- Smartest man in America.
Wait a minute.
Sean Hannity is the smartest man in America? In my opinion.
Smarter than Rush? I think he's as smart as Rush.
That's idiotic.
No one is as smart as Rush Limbaugh.
You need to take that back! A man's entitled to his opinion.
I'm sorry.
Some things are just be on the pale.
As Republicans, we don't have to agree on everything.
You like Rush, Eric here likes Sean and someone else like Michael Savage.
We're a big tent party, but at the end of the day we stick together and that's the reason we're on such a hot streak.
I agree.
Our party is at the top of its game, and that's why now is the perfect time for impeachment.
We're united.
We'll get every Republican vote.
I don't know.
Remember Obama's only been president for 3 weeks.
I'm telling you, impeaching Obama is a political winner.
No question about that.
I just wonder if you're going to get many Democrats to vote for impeachment.
I think they will.
After that press conference Monday? P- you.
He laid an egg with that one.
Unless I'm very wrong a lot of democrats we'll be looking to cut this guy loose.
For them, impeachment is the smart move.
My gut tells me it's too soon.
Maybe in April.
Can we at least raise the issue of the White House sleep-overs? Refresh my memory.
The President said recently that his daughters will be inviting their friends over to the White House for sleep-overs.
It's a dynamite issue.
We're talking about God knows how many 7 to 10-year-old girls staying over at the White House, wandering around, causing who knows how much wear and tear on the carpeting? To say nothing of the increased utility bills and the cost of the snacks involved? Why should the American taxpayer be footing the bill for this madness? Unless I'm politically tone-deaf, the whole country is waiting to see those Obama kids taken down a peg.
Especially the younger one.
I agree.
Going after the Obama girls is political gold.
But it's got to be done very carefully.
I'll tell you why.
Otherwise, there's a chance it could be counter-productive.
Hang on.
I see.
Thank you for calling.
That was Pelosi.
They're nowhere near finished, so they decided to adjourn for today.
The entire Washington press corps is outside.
What are we supposed to talk about? How about the sleep-overs? It's the perfect time.
Young man, I like your instincts.
Let's do it! Majority here we come! And before I forget Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
16 - 14 Feb.
2009 Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers It's great to be here again hosting Saturday Night Live.
A lot of exciting things have been happening for me since the last time I was here.
But before I get to that, I want to take a moment to say, thank you, Christian Bale.
Who has replaced me as the person most synonymous with recorded celebrity meltdowns.
Since the last time I've been here, I've won an Emmy and a Golden Globe and a SAG award for 30 Rock.
You're too kind.
But I'm not a believer in individual honors.
30 Rock is an ensemble effort and as luck would have it, one of my colleagues from the show, a personal friend of mine, is here tonight.
You And by "you", I mean America might not know him yet, but I think he's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack McBrayer.
That's enough! I said, that's enough! Shut up! That's enough.
I'd love to spend more time on Jack, but we have to move on to questions from the audience.
- I'm so nervous.
- It's OK.
Ask away.
It's actually a question for Jack McBrayer.
Very well.
You're my favorite part of 30 Rock.
If I may, that's not really a question, it's more of a statement, an opinion.
I'm talking to Jack.
Who is your favorite person on 30 Rock to work with? It's such a talented group.
I guess If I had to pick a favorite I would say that I can't.
I like them all equally.
You can't name one, really? I'm right here.
I got a question.
Go right ahead.
Did you ever meet Tina Fey? Yes, obviously.
Did you ever meet Jack McBrayer? He's right here.
He is? The star of 30 Rock.
Where were you at the beginning? I was getting something to eat.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I take a picture? They normally don't allow cameras, but go ahead.
Jack can you get up there? Would you? Thank you.
Just one more for safety.
I just want to say I loved you in Glenngary Glenn Ross.
I was talking to Jack.
I was in the community theater version of Glenngary Glenn Ross back in Conyers, Georgia.
"Always be closing, please.
" It was a real thrill.
We were the ones who were thrilled.
One last question.
Are you ever going to host? I hope to, someday.
Just once or twice, though, not a whole bunch of times.
I don't want to seem desperate.
Then, Jack, why don't we get a head start? You mean it? Let's do this.
We've got a great show.
The Jonas Brothers are here! So stick around.
We'll be right back.
It's sounds really off.
Is something wrong? Do we really have to do it? It was a unanimous vote.
We have to kick him out of the band.
- But he is our brother.
- You don't think I know that? Sorry I'm late.
Security guard was all, "You're parked in the wrong spot.
" So I was all, "I'm Gary Jonas, I'll park wherever I want.
" And he was all, "Your spot's two spots over.
Why don't you move?" I then hit him in the head with my sax and I ran over here.
How funny is that? It's not that funny.
Nick's always so serious.
If I wanted your 16-year-old advice, I would have asked for it.
Let's not forget, I'm the oldest Jonas.
How could we forget? Are you putting out an album of whisper songs? If not, maybe you should speak up when you address your oldest brother.
Let's just calm down.
I'll decide who does what around here.
I'm the oldest Jonas.
By two years.
I'm sorry I blew my top.
Before we get back to rehearsal, I had a great idea.
What if we changed our name to the Doughnut Brothers? I think it can get us a really cool sponsorship deal.
Solid, right? I don't think we should do that.
I think we should vote.
Let's remember, as the oldest brother, my vote is worth double.
All in favor of the Doughnut Brothers? All opposed? Damn.
Congratulations, you guys officially hate success.
Actually, we voted on something else a little bit earlier.
What would that be? We're thinking the Jonas Brothers should be a three-man group.
I'm sorry, Nick.
But I have to agree with them.
You're weird, creepy and you smell bad.
- We're not voting Nick out.
- I'm glad.
Nick, you've always been my favorite.
Try to forget the stuff I said about you being weird and creepy and smelly.
So, who is it then? That makes sense.
He's not one of us.
His straight hair, his eyebrows look like they were drawn in with a sharpie.
It's you.
You're joking.
We're not.
Maybe you've all forgotten that my vote is worth two.
- It won't matter.
- We'll see about that.
All in favor of me staying, quickly for Gary? All opposed? Please let that be it.
Damn.
I hope you guys like riots.
That's what you're going to get when there's no Gary at your next concert.
I think we'll be OK.
Where is this all coming from? You broke all our rules.
Which rules? You drink, you smoke.
And we're pretty sure you do drugs.
First of all, I thought those rules were optional.
Second of all, I was pretty high when you told them to me.
We're sorry.
I'm your brother.
How can you do this to me? When you showed up last week and said you were our long-lost brother, we got a little nervous and checking into it and got a private investigator.
I'm going to stop you right there.
I know, you're jealous of me.
You think the girls can't take their eyes off me, and you're right.
So I will leave But guys, come on! We're the Doughnut Brothers! - We're not! - It was worth a shot.
If I'm out of the band, I guess you want my ring back.
You can keep your purity ring.
Purity ring? What's a purity ring? In that case you're definitely going to want this back.
I would wash that.
Better yet, just throw it in the garbage, because it is broken.
You have to go.
I quit.
- You can't quit.
- Just let him go.
I'm out of here.
You're a bunch of weirdos.
Especially you, Nick.
You're the weirdest.
- My name's not Gary.
- What is it? Not the one you're thinking of, not the one from 30 rock.
I'm out of here.
But seriously, guys think about it.
Free doughnuts.
You're weird.
It's The Cougar Den with Jacklyn Seeken, Toni Ward, introducing Barbara Lenka.
I am Toni, and welcome to The Cougar Den.
To my left is one of my dearest friends, Jacqueline.
To my right is someone I met at a mature vitamin section at GNC, our new friend Barbara.
So, Valentine's day is coming up, what do you have planned? I'm going to take a bath with a cardboard cutout of Spencer Pratt.
I'm going to suck down some jell-o shooters.
And wander around USC's campus wearing a t-shirt that says "I'll pay you and this won't get messy.
" I don't know if you guys know this, but I treated myself to a Jonas Brothers concert as a pre-Valentine's day You deserve it.
- I was thrown out.
- What happened? I was really rocking out, pumping my fists When my menopause patch flew off my arm and into a young girl's mouth.
She went into estrogen shock.
Really? That's all I can say until the trial is over.
Facebook break! Becoming a fan of Zach Efron.
25 random things about me.
I'm poking someone.
Kenneth, I'm poking you.
You know I'd poke you back, but I'm scared something might fall off.
Our first guest has written a book entitled, Stop that boy, I want to get on.
Please welcome, Blaine Bagby.
Hello, ladies.
I am major, major excited to be here.
As you know, I am a cou-gay.
And as a cou-gay, I face many of the same obstacles you do, the biggest being how to keep it tight and right and in the light.
You tell it, gay cougar.
Even though I'm known in the gay community for my selfishness, I can't take full credit.
I co-wrote this with our friend, Kiki Deamore.
It's so good to be back.
Working with Blaine on this book was a passion project.
Literary passion, not sexual.
I like young boys, and he's a gay.
And she has una vahina, which is una vahina too many for me.
Anyway, we worked on this day and afternoon on this book.
We spent almost 45 minutes at the Kinko's.
It's only 30 pages, and I love that.
It's like a pamphlet, only a little bit thicker.
What would you call that? A thick pamphlet.
I like them thick up here, and down there.
We're talking about the pamphlet.
I beg you to stay on track.
My favorite part is in chapter 54 where you talk about checking IDs.
Let me tell you something, sisters, checking IDs is essential.
Because, these boys will lie, especially if they think it's going to get them a snowboard or a Paul Frank monkey wallet.
Or a hummer in the back of a hummer.
Don't need to tell me.
Last year I met a striking Puerto Rican man in a McDonald's play place.
After I bought him an Oreo McFlurry, he told me he was 21 and I took him home.
Three weeks later I found out he was 12 and a half.
That just made my wig system stand on end.
And my extension fell out.
You know what I do when my extensions fall out? I braid them, put a bead on them, tie them.
Boom, it's a bracelet.
PedEgg break.
Our PedEgg reservoir is full.
A lot of shavings.
The chamber is full of shavings.
What you need to worry about shaving is your upper lips.
Now it's time to introduce our new boyfriends.
- Come on out, guys.
- Come to mama.
These boys are so delicious, they're like 3 hot Cuban sandwiches with pickles and I like it, the pickles.
Sit down.
I'm all right.
Do you see the chemistry that is going on here? It is palpable.
The only chemistry I see is the chemistry of your bodies breaking down.
What's wrong with Kiki? Get them out of here! She's going to pounce! Put them some place safe, like my dressing room.
That's all the time we have.
Join us next week when we bring you our annual show from Diane Lane's front yard.
What's up, Andy? The jig.
The jig is up.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about your secret.
I know what it is.
And I have the VHS tape to prove it.
Where's the VCR? You turds got anything to say before I play this? Those guys look familiar, wouldn't you say? I don't know what you're talking about.
This tape is from 1983.
- You're crazy.
- Shall we watch another one? That's from 25 years ago.
- It really holds up.
- That's not the point.
What are you? - Highlanders? - Come on, man.
Let's just watch another one, then, just as fans.
Busted.
Just admit it.
- It proves anything.
- One more.
- How much money do you want? - Shut up.
- I'm not going to throw it all away.
- I don't want your money.
I just want to know how you stayed so young.
This guy.
What up, dude? Crazy, right? Look at these women.
I know what you're thinking.
Do they really look like this? The answer is no.
These photos have been professionally retouched and I know what else you're thinking.
Where's the butt? How're you doing? I'm sir Mix-a-lot.
I may have quit making hits, but I never quit liking big butts.
That's why I opened Sir Mix-A-Lot's Photo Shop.
'Cause we're the only photo lab that has enlarging butt affairs We'll handle your order quickly Professionally and efficiently You can toss it And leave it and Pull up quick to retrieve it Look at my butt.
It is so big, and I love it.
Thanks, sir Mix-a-lot.
We handle all kinds of blemishes.
Acne? No one will notice her acne now.
Who can focus on wrinkles with an ass like that? You want to crop someone out of a photo, perhaps after a messy divorce.
Somebody's back in the game.
We put every photo through a rigorous evaluation process.
To ensure that the butt is large enough I show each and every photo to Sniffles, my pet anaconda.
Because you see My anaconda don't want none Unless you got buns, hon.
He likes it.
You'll like our new two for one sale.
Or better known as the SPECIAL.
So come to my photo shop If you need to get your photos cropped If your photos need resizing Or you need a little extra thigh Fellows! This is an expert photo shop Take it Take these photos And enhance the butt Baby wants back Come on down and we'll enhance your butt.
I'm Seth Meyers and here are tonight's top stories.
The Senate, on Friday, gave final approval to the $787 billion economic stimulus package.
The 1,073-page bill is titled The American Recovery And Reinvestment Act.
Though, what many see as a troubling sign, it's subtitled "For dummies.
" NASA reported that two communications satellites, on Tuesday, collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming, "Save yourself!" Barack Obama, on Tuesday, became the tenth American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House press conference.
She asked the same first question she always does, "How will you end slavery?" In an interview with ESPN, Alex Rodriguez admitted, Monday, that he's taken steroids, though apparently, never in October.
Yesterday, the economic stimulus package was passed by the Senate.
Here to comment is Weekend update's very own financial expert, Oscar Rogers.
How are you? - You seem like you're in good spirits.
- I am.
I really am.
I've appeared on the show several times, in order to illustrate how we might fix our present economic woes.
And I'm thrilled to announce it has been fixed.
Obama and his stimulus plan fixed it! So you're not worried at all that the stimulus might falter? They fixed it! - But what - Fixed it! This influx of money into our economy will fix it, and now with Valentine's upon us, we can celebrate and do it! What are you talking about? Do it.
Doing it with your valentine.
- You have a valentine? - Not at the moment.
You need to fix that, so you can do it with your valentine.
It's a three-step process.
Do it.
Rest yourself.
Three, do it once more.
Four, bag it up and do it again.
First of all, that was a four-step process.
- I work with numbers.
- Do you? Let me make sure I understand you correctly.
The economy has been fixed and now it's time to have sex? I didn't say that.
I said it was time to do it.
It needs to be dirty.
'Cause once it's fixed, it's time to do it! While on a good will trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek nursed another woman's baby boy.
However the moment was marred when the baby burst.
Hayek said she nursed the boy because she noticed he was hungry and a related story Hey, sweet pea.
- What are you doing here? - I heard a baby crying.
That was me.
It was a joke.
So, is there a baby out here? There's no baby here.
Is that a baby? That's a cameraman.
What's that he's holding? Is that a baby? That's a camera.
Let me know if you see any babies, sugarplum.
Are you excited about the Oscars? Federal prosecutors want to send former mayor and current Washington, D.
C.
Council member, Marion Barry, to jail because they say he failed to file tax returns for 8 of the last 9 years.
Barry is expected to plead, "Bitch set me up.
" Dr.
Michael Kamrava, the in vitro fertilisation specialist, who helped Nadia Suleman conceive 8 babies has reportedly impregnated a 49 woman with quadruplets.
I don't know what an appointment with Dr.
Kamrava is like.
I imagine it starts a little something like this.
As the Oscars approach, coverage and criticism of the various nominees has been ramping up, especially among celebrity bloggers.
Here with a no holds barred commentary from the notoriously snarky website, bitchpleeze.
com, blogger, Angie Tempura.
It's a thrill to be here.
Go ahead.
Here's who's hot and who's definitely not.
In best supporting actress, Amy Adams.
As a princess in Enchanted, she's hot.
As a nun in Doubt, she's not.
Bitch, please.
Speaking of doubt, I doubt Marisa Tomei will win with those b-cups.
And, Taraji P.
Hanson, WTF, is that a name? Or a blood disease? That is pretty critical.
Let me just ask, is blogging your full-time job? I do data entry at Kaiser Permanente.
Continue.
Best schmactor, here's who should win the Oscar, the grouch award, Brad The Pitts for his role in "The Curious Case of Some Old Man Baby.
" Speaking of old men, Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon.
More like, who's that and who gives a f? Don't get me started on Robert The Downer Jr.
I hope he doesn't win anything ever except first place in a human stain contest.
Why do you hate these people so much? Because they're losers.
Can just I ask you one thing? Do you know who the president is? And can you find North America on this map? And what's the name of that brown-haired guy on TMZ? - Harvey Levin.
- That's enough.
Get out of here.
Drink your coffee.
Have some coffee.
Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe for fried chicken was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week after 5 months in hiding while security around it was upgraded.
Spoiler alert, it's salt everybody.
The secret ingredient is salt.
A homeless man in Florida who claimed to be the drummer for the rock band Foreigner allegedly tricked a woman into letting him use her Corvette and promptly crashed it.
Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on Letterman.
Joaquin Phoenix.
What's up, man? I just heard you were quitting acting to pursue a hip-hop career.
Good for you.
But now I'm quitting hip-hop to pursue a telling jokes career.
A telling jokes career? Lights.
Since you're out here, do you want to tell a joke? Tiger woods' wife gave birth to the couple's second child.
It's a baby boy who came in at 7 pounds, 8 ounces under par.
We need better security out here.
Or people's creeping up on me.
Police in Ohio say an 18-year-old ordered more than $37,000 worth of candy online and charged the bill to his former high school.
If you're 18 and the only thing you can think of is to spend $37,000 on is candy, maybe a little jail time will do you some good.
Today is Valentine's day, so we want to say to everyone watching at home, better luck next year.
For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
Good night.
You're watching TV Land, which means you've liked the same stuff for 40 years.
Good for you.
Up next, Vincent Price's Valentine's day special.
Valentine's day.
That special day when your pulse quickens Wait! The other right.
Valentine's day, that special day when your pulse quickens, not with your You're doing it again.
Go to the package.
Now, Colgate presents: Please welcome your host, Lord of the Shadows, Vincent Price! Good evening.
For 364 days out of the year, the sight of a diapered baby man with a bow and arrow would be cause for alarm, but today it is cause for celebration.
So tonight, we have decided to invite our favorite couples over to exchange valentines and teach us the true meaning of love! First, let's welcome Tinsel Town's favorite lovers, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Where do you keep your scotch? I ran out on the drive over.
- Where's Elizabeth? - She's in the car.
We got into a fight.
She says I'm unkind.
That foul, insolent cow of a woman.
The theme of our show, after all is true love.
There's nothing on earth I love more than that woman.
Dear God, she's discovered the horn.
There is only one thing that can cure this rage.
Where do you keep your meat? I need meats and butters.
And a basket and a stick and some twine to affix the basket to the stick.
I'll let you know what I find.
The door.
Not a minute too soon.
Joining us now from the hit Broadway show Hello Dolly, the radiant Carol Channing and her husband Charles.
Raspberries! Where is Charles, your valentine? I thought you said to bring the Ballantines.
Please and thank you.
We're over 2 on couples, but fortunately, we're going to be treated to some romantic music with Liberace and his female companion.
Hello Vincent, and hello young lovers.
Where's your date? The fleet shipped out yesterday.
A secret isn't a secret when you make no effort to hide it.
Just because it's Valentine's day doesn't mean we can't get a bit spooky.
I was wondering if you would like some chocolates.
I just hope things don't get out of hand.
Did someone move this box? Do you mind if I take 2 chocolates? Four chocolates? - All the chocolates? - Go for it.
Here! Feed, graze.
Does this speak at you? You, Wolverine! You, shut that woman up! That woman is an angel.
And don't you ever forget it.
Me and the hand have hit it off.
We're in love.
What's so great about a strange hand sticking through a hole? - Plenty.
- Watch it, Liberace! You're not at home.
Now, to conclude our show, I will serenade our lovers.
My funny valentine Sweet comic valentine You make me smile With my heart What's going on here? - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
Is there someone here who doesn't like watching a man and a woman make love? Why can't you two just behave like Carol? Where's the hand? I'll never tell.
Let's wrap it up! Lovers in the night Fear not the racing of your heart You may just be In love Happy Valentine's day, everybody! How long do I have to keep tug on this thing before something happens? Don't say it.
This has been Vincent Price's Valentine's Day Special.
Thanks for watching.
Troy, Jerry, so sorry to keep you waiting.
I was on the conference call from hell.
I've been there, Carl.
Don't worry about it.
I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.
With all of our hectic schedules, I'm just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.
Thanks for understanding.
Carol, hold my calls.
Before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting so we can get that out of the way.
That's a great idea.
We're going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get going on this high-profile project.
How is Monday for you guys? Monday is no good for me.
I'm getting my teeth cleaned.
I got to take my car into the shop for an oil change.
Tuesday? Tuesday's no good for me.
I have to get fitted for a new toupee.
This one doesn't quite give me the coverage I was hoping for.
- Wednesday? - I can't do Wednesday.
I got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town.
It's not going to be easy.
She weighs 400 pounds.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
Carol, hold my calls.
Thursday? I can't do Thursday.
I'm going to a briss.
I'm kind of nervous.
Hope it doesn't hurt as much as my first one.
Friday? I'm having a cattail sown on my upper butt so my daughter will want to play with me.
- She likes cats? - I sure hope she does.
I hate to work on weekends, but again, this is a high-profile project.
We're going to be buried up to our chinstraps.
So, what do you have on Saturday? I'm out for Saturday.
I got to tell my son he's gay.
I don't imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well.
Sunday? I don't know, how long does an autopsy take? - Generally 4 hours.
- Four times five Sunday is out for me.
How about Monday? I'm having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.
- Your daughter loves puppies? - I'm just locked out of the house.
Reminder.
High profile, chinstraps.
Next Monday? Next Monday is bad for me.
I'll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens.
They have a glory hole I really enjoy.
I'm volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.
- 11:30? - 11:30.
- No way, where? - 73rd and Broadway.
- See you there.
- You won't.
It's a glory hole.
Boys we're really in a jam here.
I'll say.
We need to come at this from a new angle.
Great idea.
Carol, let a call through.
Talk to me.
I just got fired.
I guess that frees up my schedule.
You want to do it right now? - Sure, I'm free.
- I'd love to do it right now.
Ten more minutes until dinner.
- Let's try to wrap it up.
- Dad, you gotta try this.
It's this awesome game for the Wii.
Get the stack of coins.
Now, shake it.
There you go.
- What the hell is this thing? - It's called Wario Shakes.
You're that little dude running around and you attack your enemies by shaking the hell out of them.
Or you can shake sacks of coins for more points.
- You want to try? - I wouldn't know Dad, just try it.
I'm the little fat guy? Run over there and grab that sack.
Shake the coins out of it.
You really have to shake it if you want to get all the coins.
You got more coins than I've ever seen.
Not bad for an old man.
- How did you do that? - I just did what came naturally.
- Do it again.
- I don't think I can so soon.
- Come on.
You have to try.
- Can I use my other hand? It feels so weird.
It's like someone else is playing.
I'm going to switch hand.
That was incredible.
I didn't know video games were like this.
Can we do two players? - You show me your technique.
- There's a massive sack of coins.
I saw them before you did.
I'm gonna empty my sack before you do! You're not doing it right.
Stop being so gentle with that thing.
Let me show you.
What's going on down there? Don't come down.
We're coming.
I'm playing with my Wii! You guys are having fun.
You have to try this.
- All you got to do - Your mother's going to be a natural.
You care about your family.
And you care about the earth.
But sometimes it can seem like we have to make a choice between the two.
Cloth diapers are easy on the planet but they're messy and hard to clean.
Disposable diapers are a snap, but I want to leave a better world for this little one.
Now, there's another way.
Introducing chewable pampers.
It's all the convenience of a disposable diaper in an eco-friendly package.
You see, chewable pampers are 100% edible.
They're made from easily digestable vegetable fibers.
So, cleanup is all natural, and no hassle.
Chewable pampers are super absorbent, and super delicious.
The secret is our anti-bacterial flavor crystals.
They activate on contact, and in no time a full diaper is safe to eat and irresistible.
In great flavors like tangy cheddar, spicy lentil and corn chowder.
You can smell when it's working.
Almost ready.
Chewable pampers are all great taste and no waste.
Baked into a savory organic potpie.
As part of a flavorful nutritious stew.
We're hungry.
Look in the bowl.
Chewable pampers! What's that smell? Dinner.
Chewable pampers, a favorite of mothers everywhere even mother nature.
Why not to go ride on a hot air balloon? You don't have to worry about terrorists or long lines.
And it's just you and me, up in the air.
I can see my house from here.
Just kidding.
Why not take a ride in my balloon? I'll cut you a deal.
Forget about airport security.
See you later, suckers.
I'm taking myself a hot air balloon ride.
Fresh air.
I'm not one of those college types that will talk your ear off.
I bought a balloon, it doesn't mean I think I'm better than everyone else.
Or I can just read a book.
I'm not one of those people who doesn't know how to be quiet.
So come on over.
Take a ride in my hot air balloon.
It will take you wherever you want to go.
I promise.
Come ride with me! I'm award winning actor Alec Baldwin.
If you're like me, you know there's nothing more moving in a film than seeing a character cough once, very subtly, to let you know that later on in that movie they're going to die.
As an actor I can tell you that playing these scenes isn't as easy as it looks.
That's why volume 72 of my DVD series, "Alec Baldwin's acting techniques for actors" is "First coughs: "mastering the art of foreshadowing your character's death.
" You'll learn such techniques as "I'm not even going to acknowledge it.
" That my friend is how you put a ship inside a bottle.
That is kicking.
Nothing to at all, son.
Now go get washed up, and when you come back I'll play you some real music.
It's called jazz.
Hurry up.
I don't have all day.
And the audience's favorite "It's nothing, it's just a cold.
" Will you marry me? - I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.
- You OK? - It's nothing.
It's just a cold.
Beat you down to the lake.
And, of course, the classic, "I don't need any damn doctors.
" Dad, you don't even want to meet your own grandson? I just want to be left alone.
You should get that checked out.
I don't need any damn doctors! Spoiler alert.
He needs a damn doctor.
Once you master those techniques, you can move on to more advanced coughs like the technically demanding, "Cough into a handkerchief, "notice that there's blood on it, look around nervously "then quickly shove it back in your pocket and hurry on your way.
" What are you waiting for? Take your acting career to the next level with "First coughs.
" It's nothing.
It's just a cold.
Order now.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Boogawanga, So.