Saturday Night Live (1975) s35e05 Episode Script
Taylor Swift
You're watching Fox News, continuous coverage of the 2009 election.
End Of An Era.
And now Greta Van Susteren.
Good evening.
I'm Greta Van Susteren.
It is hard to believe that only one year ago Barack Obama entered the White House promising a new era of government.
And on Tuesday it seems that era came to a definitive end.
We'll discuss, but first Shepard Smith to recap Tuesday's historic events in Virginia.
On election night, the voters of Virginia spoke loud and clear.
A state Obama carried in '08 is now back in the hands of the Republican party.
I do believe we'll all remember where we were the night Bob McDonnell took back the State House.
Indeed.
Let's meet our panel.
Senior political analyst for Fox News, Brit Helm.
Greta, always a pleasure.
NPR correspondent and Fox News contributor, Ron Williams.
Hello.
Great to be here Greta.
Former Deputy Chief of staff to President George W.
Bush, Karl Rove.
Thanks for having me.
And Democrat and Former Howard Dean campaign manager, Joe Trippi.
- Thank you so much for having me.
- Why did the Obama Why did the Obama era end so quickly? He had ten months in office yet he could not find the time to fix the greatest economic collapse in modern times or even win one of the two wars he inherited.
And let's not forget it was under his watch that we lost the King Of Pop.
So true.
Let's take a look back at New Jersey.
Shepard, break down the results for us.
Greta, it was more bad news for Barack Obama.
New jersey went to Republican Chris Christie.
And that was the death knell for the Obama administration.
It's official, Greta, no he can't.
Any truth to that? Look, they can say Jon Corzine was an uncharismatic one time Goldman Sachs employee dogged by corruption accusations whose most memorable moment in office was a car accident.
But I think it's clear New Jersey thinks Barack Obama is a bad president.
How do you see the rest of Obama's term? He's a lame duck.
Joe Trippi, you've been pretty quiet over there.
You haven't asked me any questions.
Brit, the significance of Tuesday There are certain indelible moments of triumph in our great nation's history, the moon landing, VE day, the Lewinsky scandal.
Tuesday was one of those nights.
I concur.
Same here.
- If I could just for one moment - Sorry, Joe We have to cut away to Fox's own, Glenn Beck.
I couldn't sleep Tuesday night because in my neighborhood people were pouring into the street.
And honking their horns in celebration of the return of freedom.
They were screaming and yelling and banging on garbage cans letting their neighbors know it's safe to come out.
That loving America is legal again.
And I love America.
I also realized you can rearrange the letters of your name to spell And it was a great night.
A great, great night for a great, great nation.
Now let's revisit New York's 23rd congressional district where Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh backed the Conservative candidate Doug Hoffman as he courageously stood up to the GOP and their candidate Dede Scozzafava.
Shep, can you give us those results? I'd rather not, Greta.
- Why not? - Because it is just not important.
If you say so, Shep.
So there you have it.
A night where the country forever shifted from the left to the right.
So to summarize, Obama loses the election.
For Fox News, I'm Greta Van Susteren and live from New York, it's Saturday Night! 35x05 - 17 Oct.
2009 Taylor Swift Thank you so much! It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
I have wanted to host this show ever since I was a little kid.
Staying up past my bed time to watch Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.
Being here is incredible.
I'm excited and I'm nervous and whenever I'm feeling strong emotions about something like this I usually write a song about it.
So this is what I came up with.
It's called "Monologue Song".
In parenthesis, la, la, la.
I like glitter and sparkly dresses But I'm not gonna talk about that In my monologue I like baking and things that smell like winter But I'm not gonna talk about that In my monologue I like writing songs about douche bags who cheat on me But I'm not gonna say that In my monologue I like writing their names in the songs so they're ashamed to go in public But I'm not gonna say that In my monologue This is my musical monologue You might think I bring up Joe That guy who broke up with me on the phone But I'm not gonna mention him In my monologue Hey, Joe, I'm doing real well Tonight I'm hosting SNL But I'm not gonna write about that In my monologue And if you're wondering if I might Be dating the werewolf from Twilight I'm not gonna comment on that In my monologue This is my musical monologue You might be expecting me to say Something bad about Kanye And how he ran up on the stage And ruined my VMA monologue But there's nothing more to say 'Cause everything's okay I got security lining the stage It's my SNL monologue This is my SNL monologue That was my SNL monologue We have a great show.
Kanye west is not here.
So stick around, we'll be right back.
I'm Ronnie Carter.
Come on down to Carter N' Sons, where one taste of our signature pulled pork barbecue - and you'll have - Swine Fever! Howdy folks.
- Enjoying your meal? - Enjoying it? Heck, I got swine fever.
- I got it.
- We got it.
This swine fever is contagious.
My doctor says the swine fever is gonna be the death of me.
I got swine fever and I gots it bad.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
One taste of Carter N' Sons and you're guaranteed to leave with And the only cure for swine fever is more barbecue! I hope we have enough.
And don't forget to try our special sausage and rib sampler.
I see you there.
We're back with hot topics.
Filling in for Sherri Shepherd today is Kate Gosselin.
You are on a press tour for no reason, is that right? Thank you, Whoopi.
Actually that's right.
I'm doing lots of press.
For someone who has absolutely no experience in this industry other than wrangling a bunch of kids into a minivan on camera, you seem very self-assured.
Thank you for saying that, Barbara.
Actually, every day I practice emphatically talking in front of a mirror.
The only thing I practice in front of a mirror is sucking in my back fat.
So what, who cares? I don't even own a mirror.
The last time I looked in the mirror I gave myself one of these And you know what was weird? The mirror gave me one of these Kate, I just wanna say you have beautiful hair.
I've heard many people make fun of your hairstyle and I think it's beautiful.
It's like a gorgeous waterfall of human hair in the front, and in the back, a patriotic fireworks display.
In the front, a fun slide.
And in the back, an exploded hedgehog.
Perfect for the busy mom with children.
Beautiful hairstyle.
A beautiful American hairstyle.
America.
It is.
Actually, you know The hardest thing about being a mom is having patience.
'Cause sometimes the paparazzi say they're going to be some place at 10:00 and they don't show up until 11:00.
You're a busy mom with beautiful hair.
It's like the front is walking into a job interview and the back is leaving a rock concert.
Let's get back to hot topics.
This swine flu has become even more serious than before.
There are reported cases as far away as China, India and as I said before, China.
One problem they're foreseeing is they're not going to have enough of this H1N1 vaccine.
8-1, N1, 8s-2B4, K-67B, R2D2.
These cats sticking letters after numbers and numbers after letters, I don't go to doctors.
The last time I went to a doctor he poked his head into the room and said, "Are you naked yet?" And I said, "Honey child, I'm not taking off my crocs".
You know, the only shot I want is a shot of Kahlua after looking at my neck wrinkles.
I look like I got frisbees around my neck.
So what? Who cares? You got a lot of jokes lined up for this one.
I can tell by the look on your face.
Thanks, Whoopi.
Here we go.
The only shot I want is a shot of David Caruso getting out of the shower.
Who cares, so what? My doctor told me that I have so much upper arm fat that if I was pushed out of a tree, I would glide like a squirrel.
Who cares, so what? You are so funny.
Actually you know what else is funny? How I got this hairstyle.
My hairdresser was halfway through giving me "The Rachel" when his blow-dryer exploded on the back of my head.
You guys, H1N1 is really serious.
This is scary.
The government cannot come into my house and tell me to get vaccinated.
I put antibacterial gel everywhere in my house.
Every corner.
Every corner.
Near my cell phone my crepe maker, my ceiling fan the banisters leading to my bathroom every corner.
Every corner.
Let's bring out our first guest.
He's a very prominent actor.
He starred in dozens of films including my favorite, Ghost Rider.
Please welcome Nicolas Cage.
Thank you for having me here today.
So you're broke now, right? Yes, I am.
Unfortunately my business manager made some grave errors with my money and it's gone! So what's next for Nicolas Cage? I'm gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.
Really? Maybe there'll be a treasure map on the back.
Or Maybe I'll just make another movie.
Something where I walk and I go "Watch out!" Fascinating.
I look forward to seeing that on the silver screen.
Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule.
I know you have to jog off to a book signing at Barnes & Noble.
You have a book out? Actually, no.
I'm just walking up to people and asking them if they want me to sign whatever book they're holding.
I do that too.
We'll see you all tomorrow when our guests will be Kristen Stewart and Wanda Sykes.
- Who's that? - Who, him? Them.
Those are the Franks.
They don't hang out with anyone else.
He's cute.
That's Philip, don't bother.
Stella, please sit with Philip.
OK, everyone.
Turn on your Bunsen burners.
I know what you are.
Your skin is green.
You have bolts in your neck.
- You freak out around fire.
- Say it out loud.
Frankenstein.
- Why won't you kiss me? - Because when I kiss people, I tend - to accidentally choke them to death.
- I want you to try.
We found an old blind man strangled to death.
- Looks like it was an accident.
- Strangled? By accident? Hey, Lomax.
- You hanging with Philip Frank now.
- What do you have against the Franks? Just be careful.
I do believe I'm gonna strangle someone by accident.
You are my life now.
You're choking me.
Sorry It's an accident.
So cute.
Adorable.
Thank you so much for doing this interview.
- I'm Brady Trunk.
- And I'm Anastasia Stix.
I know who both of you are.
I love Hollywood Dish.
- I love that you love it.
- And we love you.
This is going to be a 5-minute interview - and it's gonna air tonight.
- She knows how this works.
Let's get this started.
Are we ready? Is sound is good? Am I popping my P's? Six American Music Award nominations, not bad.
I know.
It's been such an amazing year.
I mean, I'm so fortunate.
It really is a dream come true.
I'm sorry, is everything okay? Yeah.
You're doing great.
It's just you're nodding so much, I thought maybe you were trying to tell me something.
No, we just don't wanna talk while you're talking.
It will screw up the sound.
We just do that - so you know we're engaged.
- That we're listening.
You're performing live at the AMAs.
Do you get nervous? It's a lot of pressure up there.
Sometimes you don't get that much time to rehearse.
And you don't wanna make a mistake in front of millions of people.
But usually things work out.
Great.
AMAs big night.
Do you think you're gonna win? I have a good feeling.
I mean I could win.
Anything's possible.
- What is she whispering right now? - You're an amazing talent.
- Thank you.
- Well, we mean it.
When you win, make sure you keep that Kanye off the stage.
Bigger laugh.
- Too much.
- Now you seem crazy.
Can you just give us one normal laugh? You know what This was fun.
This was great, but Just a few more questions.
What do you think about Ellen joining American Idol? I don't really have an opinion.
What do you do for fun? Well, just the usual stuff.
I like to go the movies hang out with my friends.
Spend time with my family What are you all d Spending time with my family, friends and Wait a sec.
Is he a sleep right now? I think you guys got enough here and I'm just gonna go ahead and go - right now.
- Thanks, Taylor.
- She was great.
So cute.
- That went really well.
Tonight, on Hollywood Dish, catch our exclusive interview with Taylor Swift.
Has the pressure finally gotten to her? That, plus Mario Lopez shows us how you can get his abs on your dog.
Tonight on Hollywood Dish.
I'm Samantha Samuels.
You know, teens have gotten a lot of flack recently for "DWT", or driving while texting.
And it's true, driving while texting can be very dangerous.
But teens aren't the only bad drivers.
In fact, many of the worst drivers are parents.
That's why I founded: Or T.
R.
A.
A.
A.
P.
D.
We'll teach you about such serious problems as Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start acting like an adult.
You're driving on the sidewalk.
Mom, I don't need a tissue.
- I think you do.
- Mom! Out of my way, nimrods.
And then the man will take that erection and you place it in the You will not crash this car.
These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere.
And there's more.
Like Turn left.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Turn left.
You know, before me your father was married to a Korean woman.
Where the hell is it? I think it's inside the dashboard.
How the hell did that happen? Don't use your turn signal.
After you, your highness.
After you.
He's got a gun.
See? Maybe teen drivers aren't so bad after all.
Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.
Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car? Mom! Get out! You're ruining my commercial! This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels with money she stole from her dad's desk.
I'm Seth Meyers and here are tonight's top stories.
This week in a positive sign that the economy may be recovering New Yorkers started buying big ticket items again, like elections and championships.
The NY Yankees won their 27th World Series title Wednesday with a 7-3 game six victory over the Amish.
Must have been a long horse and buggy ride back to Philly.
After the American Medical Association endorsed the democrats' health care reform bill Thursday, President Obama said we're closer than ever before.
Which is like your dad saying you're almost at Disneyland while he's still pulling out of the driveway.
And in breaking news, the House pass the health care reform bill in 11/07 this evening by vote of 220 to 215.
Nancy Pelosi was said to be so emotional, she was on the verge of blinking.
The democrats effort to pass their health care reform bill was helped earlier in the week when the senior citizens lobby, AARP, endorsed the democrats' version in the House.
Though to be fair, they thought they were signing up for water aerobics.
To protest this vote in the House on the health care reform bill, a massive tea party protest rally was held Thursday, outside the Capitol, featuring celebrities such as, Jon Voight and John Ratzenberger.
So I guess republicans only complain about actors talking politics when they're good actors.
With its defeat in Maine on Tuesday, referendums to legalize gay marriage lost in all 31 states in which has it has been put to a popular vote.
Though to be fair, I'm pretty sure straight marriage would also lose in a popular vote.
Here now with his own take on this week's top stories, political comedian Nicholas Feign.
Thank you very much.
For those of you who aren't familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today's newspapers.
And I provide my own skewed view just off the top of my head.
So let's start with your New York Times.
This is great.
"A free credit score followed by a monthly bill.
" You can't print that.
This is great.
I thought of you guys.
"Virginia republicans pledge to steer towards center.
" I read this on the way to work here.
I rode my bicycle.
"Protesters return in Tehran.
" This is exactly The reason it's outrageous is that no one Any mere assumption that we as a mass are gonna come together to I wouldn't I think Once If we were to examine the motorcycle industry in the Midwest the first thing people would The reminder The one alarm clock when it comes to, say, the Inuits, the way they treat the sick and elderly They're not I wouldn't assume I wouldn't even guess at how many times I would If one were to design a uniform for tour guides.
This often happens.
I'm starting to get concerned that you don't actually have anything to say.
Of all my friends Of all the people I have ever Of all If every organization If every group of every family Of every family, of every cousin of Of every sister of The people You and I as friends If we were to meet at a a cafe or a museum where they have pennies.
The one thing that I don't assume I think if they banned cremation in the '70s.
Wouldn't be easier Maybe it would help if you wrote it down.
This is a diagram of the economy of Nicaragua.
And once that rises past That's enough.
Nicholas Feign, everybody.
You're unprepared.
On Wednesday, Glenn Beck was forced to leave his radio show after he suffered an appendicitis attack on air.
Man, that's rough.
First his sponsors abandoned him and now his organs want out.
The 20 story tall Oasis Of The Seas, the world's largest cruise ship began her maiden voyage this week.
Five times larger than the Titanic, it has seven neighborhoods, an ice rink, a golf course, a 750 seat outdoor amphitheater and please say "guns to fight off pirates".
No? No guns to fight off pirates? Enjoy your new boat, pirates.
Russia has launched a nationwide campaign to curb excessive drinking which has plagued the country.
First step, move the legal drink age up from 0.
Plans this week, were announced for a Lilith Fair 2010.
The popular all female summer musical festival ran from 1997 to 1999 and was co-founded by Sarah McLachlan.
Here to talk about it now is Sarah McLachlan.
Thanks for having me.
Sarah, I have to tell you, I am so excited about Lilith Fair.
I am also so, so excited.
Lilith Fair means so much to me.
But there's something else I wanna talk to you about.
- What's that? - The dogs.
The dogs, Seth.
We talked about this and you agreed you weren't going to bring up those dogs from those creepy ASPCA commercials.
All of the dogs you are about to see are dead or about to die.
Don't show the dogs! In the arms of the angel This dog's house is in foreclosure.
Fly away from here I hate these commercials.
This dog is a single mother.
And I do believe I found you I, for real, broke my hand last year trying to get to the remote to change the channel during this commercial.
This dog committed dog suicide.
These commercials are the worst.
There is nothing wrong with this dog.
- Good.
- Except that he was molested by this dog! That is enough.
Sarah McLachlan, everyone.
A new iPhone application was launched Wednesday that claims to be able to translate an infant's cry so parents can determine what their child wants.
Though I think what they generally want is for you to put down your iPhone.
The number 1 movie at the box office this past weekend was the Michael Jackson concert documentary This Is It which made $21 million or as Jackson would have thought of it, unicorn money.
A woman from England revealed this week on The Tyra Banks Show that she has two vaginas, two uteruses and two menstrual cycles.
So stay away from her when she has "ppmmss".
I really wanna believe this lady, but I think there are a lot of holes in her story.
How did that get in there? It was reported this week that Wall Street firms including Goldman Sachs received the swine flu vaccine from the Centers for Disease Control despite massive shortages of the vaccine nationwide.
Which brings us to a segment we like to call, Really, Goldman Sachs? I understand you're an institution, like all institutions you need vaccines, but before schools and hospitals? Do you not know that you currently have a serious PR problem? Really, I know that to you guys swine flu is almost as terrifying as drinking tap water or sending your kids to public school, but really? Can you not read how mad people are at you? When most people saw the headline "Goldman Sachs "get swine flu vaccine", they were super happy until they saw the word vaccine.
Your job is to predict the future.
So the next time someone offers you medicine before they give it to pregnant ladies, see if you can predict how well that's gonna go down.
And really, you do realize that as bankers, you should try to distance yourself from the word swine? Have you never seen an editorial cartoon? Pig in a top hat, pockets full of money Making it way too easy, guys.
And by the way, our flu shots are like bonuses now? Are you worried that if you don't give them to your top people they'll leave? Where they gonna go? I don't even watch the news but no one is hiring.
Also just a tip.
If you're trying to convince people that you care about things other than money, may I suggest removing the words "gold" and "sach" from your name.
Also Center for Disease Control, you sent the vaccine to Wall Street before schools and hospitals? Really? Were you worried the swine flu might spread to the Hamptons and St.
Bart's? These are the least contagious people.
They don't even touch their own car door handles.
So really, CDC, the next time you wanna give something to Goldman that should be going to students, how about an economics textbook? Or a noogie? Give yourself a big fat noogie, Goldman Sachs.
Or a wet willy.
- For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler, good night! What a touching ceremony.
I've never been to a wedding - where so many people cried.
- I know.
Nicole looked so beautiful.
I'm so glad I brought tissues.
I brought tissues too.
Probably more tissues than you so I also bought paper towels, a beach towel sponge and a ShamWow.
Used them all up.
So I guess I was more emotional than you were.
Honey, this is Penelope.
Hi, I'm June.
I went to high school with Nicole.
I went to college with Nicole.
And her parents and her neighbors.
We all live together in a dorm.
We were also at school with the DJ too.
I probably know everyone here better than you.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Hi, everybody.
Two announcements.
One, I hope you're ready to boogie tonight.
And two, while we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we'd like you all to take your seats.
Your salad has been served.
I already ate my salad.
It's my tenth salad today.
It was really good.
I have a salad bar in my car.
The steering wheel is a big crouton.
And it runs on blue cheese dressing.
This table is beautiful.
Look at all these cute little boxes.
They're so cute.
They have M&M's in them! At my wedding we had M&M&M&M&M&M's.
Just a few more "Ms" on our candies, a little bit bigger, a little better.
We also had L&L's and L&O's and Q&Q's.
A little better than M&M's.
They're from Iceland.
Known for their chocolates.
Really? All right, it's the moment we've been waiting for.
If I could get you to look that way.
I'm already looking that way already.
That's the only way I'm looking.
I guess I'm more focused than everyone else.
Are those horse blinders? Really? I would like to introduce for the very first time ever, Mr.
and Mrs.
Nicole and Steve Parker.
They're so cute.
What is she doing? Thanks for coming, everyone.
It means so much that you're all here tonight.
Yeah, but don't drink too much.
I still have to pay for the honeymoon.
I just got back from my honeymoon.
We went to the moon actually.
It's made of honey.
Enjoy your dinners.
What is she doing up there? That is so rude.
June, relax.
Let's just have a good time.
Why don't you clink your glass so they have to kiss? You love doing that.
I do love seeing people kiss at weddings.
Penelope is ruining this entire reception.
You making a scene isn't going to make it any better.
She's ruining their day! This is my day.
I bought it from the government, it's National Penelope day in 14 countries.
The children celebrate running in the streets.
The post office is closed but I still get my mail.
- Really? - Honey.
National Penelope day? You know what, the month of June was actually named after me.
And, you know what else? Every night before I go sleep, I take my feet off and if I close my eyes real tight I can I can watch Toy Story on my eyelids.
And my mom is a roller coaster.
And I was born in the in the 1930s.
So what do you have to say about that, Penelope? I guess all I can say is that before I go sleep my feet take me off and they go to bed.
And when I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies on demand.
It's free 'cause I know a guy.
My mom is Six Flags and my dad is Bush Gardens.
Whenever I want to, I can turn into a black and white movie star from the 30s.
Are you serious? Are you kidding me right now? - Why don't you just relax and - Let's go to the bar having drinks.
- Do not come with us.
- Absolutely, let's just I don't need to go to the bar 'cause I already had 50 margaritas.
I'm gonna get my black and white car but I'm not gonna drive 'cause I'm drunk.
Just a little drunk right now.
All right, knuckle heads.
I bet you think joyriding is real fresh, huh? Next time I catch you driving your parent's car without a license, you're gonna be joyriding in a police cruiser.
You got that? Yes, officer.
You got a bad attitude all of you.
That's why I've invited two representatives from the scared straight program to come talk to you, punks.
They're inmates over at Largemonte maximum security prison and they're here to warn you about the dangers of a criminal lifestyle.
Macintosh, Devlin, you wanna get in here? All right, here we come.
On your feet.
Up! Now, sit down.
Sit down! - I said on your feet.
- Get up! Men, sit your ass down.
My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.
I'm skinny Devlin.
But people call us "the swirl".
'Cause we're black and white.
Twisted.
What they do this time? We caught these kids tooling around in their parent's car without a license.
We were just joyriding.
Close your damn mouth! You think I never got caught joyriding? I was a real showboat back at the Naval Fighter Pilots Academy.
But one day I got I had a risky maneuver during the training mission and my best friend Goose died in midair.
Is that what you want? You responsible for Goose's death and Iceman won't let you forget it 'cause this here is real! I think that's the plot of the movie Top Gun.
Top Gun? You better watch yourself.
In prison, guns don't go in the tops.
They're going bottoms.
And mouths.
And you don't feel the need The need to bleed.
'Cause you'll be everyone's favorite cockpit.
But they won't eject out of you.
They'll going inject into you.
You can't say stuff like that to the kids.
Our bad, Chief.
I stay on the reservation.
Just don't tax my cigarettes.
Why you kids stealing your parents' car? We're bored.
We just drove around and blasted some tunes.
So what? You don't think I have been bored? You don't think I like music? Back in the day I was a nun who couldn't stop singing.
So the other nuns sent me to be a governess for the Von Trapp family.
Pretty soon I was running through the mountains teaching seven children how to sing.
Is that what you want? You're running away from Germans and wondering how you solve a problem like Maria.
'Cause this here is real! That's just The Sound Of Music.
My goodness gracious.
Watch out.
Keep your damn mouth shut! Or the only trap you'll have to worry about is the trap they set for you in the laundry room.
And you'll be wondering how you solve a problem like gonorrhea.
Only song you'll be singing is this one.
John Doe The name they'll give your corpse Rape, a thing that's done to you Me, why me? I want my mom Far inside you they will go So, a needle pulling thread Why? To stick back up your butt Absolutely not.
No singing.
- I gave you way too much leeway.
- That's on us, chief.
My bad, I stay in my lane.
I just can't afford the tolls.
Which one you've all is the ring leader? Boy, get your butt up here.
Get up! How fast were you going, Kurt Russell? Fast enough.
You think I never got caught speeding before? One time I watched my doctor friend get shot dead in the streets over some plutonium.
So I hopped in his car.
I believe it was a Camaro.
Maybe a Delorean.
I got it up to 88 miles per hour and pretty soon I was back in 1955 and my own mother was trying to kiss me.
Is that what you want? You disappear from a photograph and Biff's beating your daddy up.
'Cause this here is real! That's definitely Back To The Future.
No more babies.
Boy, you better keep your damn mouth shut or you're gonna be going back to the showers and the only speed you're gonna reach is 88 dudes per hour.
- Ain't talking about no flux capacitor.
- That's more than one a minute.
We ain't talking about no flux capacitor.
We talking about a butt capacity! And yours just hit 1.
21 jizawatts! No way, Macintosh! - That was bad.
- Yeah, that was bad.
Bad.
You both need to leave, now.
- We're busy anyway.
- No, you're not.
Just remember You wanna speed up they gonna slow you down.
You wanna break the law they're gonna break you.
You want a joyride, you're gonna be a joy to ride! And the only seat available is bitch! - All right, we out.
- Good.
1.
21 jizawatts.
Let's go both of you.
Let's go, scoot.
Get out of here.
You, boys, learn your lesson? I didn't think so.
That's nice, they're helping an old lady to cross the street.
They're killing her.
They're killing her? Are you sure you don't mind staying in tonight? It doesn't matter where we are, Lexie, as long as we're together.
- That's the worst.
- I know.
I'm adorable, right? You still wanna watch Master And Commander? Or we could play master and commander.
Stop it! Oh, no, is that your roommate? Lexie, I'm back.
- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
I love you.
You're my everything.
Have you been out of town or something? No, she's been at work and her part time job at Bath And Body Works.
For two hours.
I missed you.
I love you so much.
Bath And Body Works is the worst.
- So is being away from you.
- Bennett, look who's here! - What are we watching? - Master And Commander, but not until you get in your jammies.
OK, hurry! - Wait, don't go.
Don't go yet.
- I have to.
You get make me do anything.
Isn't she cool? She's definitely cool.
Have you thought anymore about getting your own place? Kind of.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this.
How are you? What happened? I'm just sitting here.
It's Anna.
- Yeah, he's still here.
- She's calling you from the other room? I'm sorry, hon, what did you say? I miss you too.
Are you in your jammies yet? Well, come on out, then.
See you soon.
- That was Anna.
- Yeah, I know.
Do you wanna maybe go hang out at my place? I don't know.
Anna just got here.
I don't think she's gonna wanna go out.
- Look who brought snacks.
- Snacks for my tummy! Get in here! - Who wants some blanket? - I do! - You want some blanket? - I'm okay.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
Quit your job.
I want to so bad.
You're the only person I wanna hang out with.
I was gonna tell you something.
Hay if for horses and chickens and fish! Hit me 3 times and I'll grant you your wish! Barack Obama! Does he get it? Do you get it? Hay if for horses and chickens and fish! Hit me 3 times and I'll triple you your wish! Look, your inside jokes are really cute and everything, but I thought tonight was just gonna be about us hanging out.
That's weird.
I get it.
I guess I'll just head back to my room now.
What's wrong? Nothing, she's just like a really great person.
You wanna hang out with Anna.
I'm totally fine with this.
- If it really means that much - Great.
Hey, Anna.
Hay is for horses and chickens and fish.
The story of a couple of bunnies with a lot of ambition.
And before you see the movie, buy the soundtrack, featuring an original song by Randy Newman.
Bunnies wearing suits Bunnies in a fight Tiny bunnies brief case Bunny Business These bunnies have a nose for business and a tail for the ages.
And now you can own the soundtrack featuring a brand new song by Natalie Merchant.
These are bunnies With 401(k)s Never before have bunnies Worked in an office And that's not all.
Bunny business features over 30 original songs from some of the world's most successful singers.
Including Shakira.
So many bunnies On the floor tonight Hoping and shaking Their bunny hips There's a she-bunny in all of us Jump on the dance floor Don't be shy Wear a pants so intense and it flies Bunny girls hop on your bunny boys Bunny Business soundtrack 'cause when you hear the words "animated bunnies", you immediately think of Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows.
Bunny Business song Bunnies in pant suits And Mr.
Jones Bunny Business, little kids like bunnies, but they love Eddie Vedder and Christina Aguilera.
That one didn't even mention Bunny Business but who cares? We were too busy enjoying this instant classic by Jennifer Hudson.
No way They're not wearing pant suits It's a whole big mess Of funky bunny business And you and you and you You're gonna pay me For this soundtrack You're gonna pay me money The Bunny Business soundtrack.
Even if you buy it, our careers are over.
Saturday Night Sub Batefer, So.
This was SNL.
I cannot believe this is happening to me right now.
Thanks to Amy Poehler for coming out.
Thanks to my band.
Thanks to Lorne Michaels.
Every single people on the stage.
This has been the best week of my life.
And thank you so, so much for having me you guys.
Good night!
End Of An Era.
And now Greta Van Susteren.
Good evening.
I'm Greta Van Susteren.
It is hard to believe that only one year ago Barack Obama entered the White House promising a new era of government.
And on Tuesday it seems that era came to a definitive end.
We'll discuss, but first Shepard Smith to recap Tuesday's historic events in Virginia.
On election night, the voters of Virginia spoke loud and clear.
A state Obama carried in '08 is now back in the hands of the Republican party.
I do believe we'll all remember where we were the night Bob McDonnell took back the State House.
Indeed.
Let's meet our panel.
Senior political analyst for Fox News, Brit Helm.
Greta, always a pleasure.
NPR correspondent and Fox News contributor, Ron Williams.
Hello.
Great to be here Greta.
Former Deputy Chief of staff to President George W.
Bush, Karl Rove.
Thanks for having me.
And Democrat and Former Howard Dean campaign manager, Joe Trippi.
- Thank you so much for having me.
- Why did the Obama Why did the Obama era end so quickly? He had ten months in office yet he could not find the time to fix the greatest economic collapse in modern times or even win one of the two wars he inherited.
And let's not forget it was under his watch that we lost the King Of Pop.
So true.
Let's take a look back at New Jersey.
Shepard, break down the results for us.
Greta, it was more bad news for Barack Obama.
New jersey went to Republican Chris Christie.
And that was the death knell for the Obama administration.
It's official, Greta, no he can't.
Any truth to that? Look, they can say Jon Corzine was an uncharismatic one time Goldman Sachs employee dogged by corruption accusations whose most memorable moment in office was a car accident.
But I think it's clear New Jersey thinks Barack Obama is a bad president.
How do you see the rest of Obama's term? He's a lame duck.
Joe Trippi, you've been pretty quiet over there.
You haven't asked me any questions.
Brit, the significance of Tuesday There are certain indelible moments of triumph in our great nation's history, the moon landing, VE day, the Lewinsky scandal.
Tuesday was one of those nights.
I concur.
Same here.
- If I could just for one moment - Sorry, Joe We have to cut away to Fox's own, Glenn Beck.
I couldn't sleep Tuesday night because in my neighborhood people were pouring into the street.
And honking their horns in celebration of the return of freedom.
They were screaming and yelling and banging on garbage cans letting their neighbors know it's safe to come out.
That loving America is legal again.
And I love America.
I also realized you can rearrange the letters of your name to spell And it was a great night.
A great, great night for a great, great nation.
Now let's revisit New York's 23rd congressional district where Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh backed the Conservative candidate Doug Hoffman as he courageously stood up to the GOP and their candidate Dede Scozzafava.
Shep, can you give us those results? I'd rather not, Greta.
- Why not? - Because it is just not important.
If you say so, Shep.
So there you have it.
A night where the country forever shifted from the left to the right.
So to summarize, Obama loses the election.
For Fox News, I'm Greta Van Susteren and live from New York, it's Saturday Night! 35x05 - 17 Oct.
2009 Taylor Swift Thank you so much! It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
I have wanted to host this show ever since I was a little kid.
Staying up past my bed time to watch Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.
Being here is incredible.
I'm excited and I'm nervous and whenever I'm feeling strong emotions about something like this I usually write a song about it.
So this is what I came up with.
It's called "Monologue Song".
In parenthesis, la, la, la.
I like glitter and sparkly dresses But I'm not gonna talk about that In my monologue I like baking and things that smell like winter But I'm not gonna talk about that In my monologue I like writing songs about douche bags who cheat on me But I'm not gonna say that In my monologue I like writing their names in the songs so they're ashamed to go in public But I'm not gonna say that In my monologue This is my musical monologue You might think I bring up Joe That guy who broke up with me on the phone But I'm not gonna mention him In my monologue Hey, Joe, I'm doing real well Tonight I'm hosting SNL But I'm not gonna write about that In my monologue And if you're wondering if I might Be dating the werewolf from Twilight I'm not gonna comment on that In my monologue This is my musical monologue You might be expecting me to say Something bad about Kanye And how he ran up on the stage And ruined my VMA monologue But there's nothing more to say 'Cause everything's okay I got security lining the stage It's my SNL monologue This is my SNL monologue That was my SNL monologue We have a great show.
Kanye west is not here.
So stick around, we'll be right back.
I'm Ronnie Carter.
Come on down to Carter N' Sons, where one taste of our signature pulled pork barbecue - and you'll have - Swine Fever! Howdy folks.
- Enjoying your meal? - Enjoying it? Heck, I got swine fever.
- I got it.
- We got it.
This swine fever is contagious.
My doctor says the swine fever is gonna be the death of me.
I got swine fever and I gots it bad.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
One taste of Carter N' Sons and you're guaranteed to leave with And the only cure for swine fever is more barbecue! I hope we have enough.
And don't forget to try our special sausage and rib sampler.
I see you there.
We're back with hot topics.
Filling in for Sherri Shepherd today is Kate Gosselin.
You are on a press tour for no reason, is that right? Thank you, Whoopi.
Actually that's right.
I'm doing lots of press.
For someone who has absolutely no experience in this industry other than wrangling a bunch of kids into a minivan on camera, you seem very self-assured.
Thank you for saying that, Barbara.
Actually, every day I practice emphatically talking in front of a mirror.
The only thing I practice in front of a mirror is sucking in my back fat.
So what, who cares? I don't even own a mirror.
The last time I looked in the mirror I gave myself one of these And you know what was weird? The mirror gave me one of these Kate, I just wanna say you have beautiful hair.
I've heard many people make fun of your hairstyle and I think it's beautiful.
It's like a gorgeous waterfall of human hair in the front, and in the back, a patriotic fireworks display.
In the front, a fun slide.
And in the back, an exploded hedgehog.
Perfect for the busy mom with children.
Beautiful hairstyle.
A beautiful American hairstyle.
America.
It is.
Actually, you know The hardest thing about being a mom is having patience.
'Cause sometimes the paparazzi say they're going to be some place at 10:00 and they don't show up until 11:00.
You're a busy mom with beautiful hair.
It's like the front is walking into a job interview and the back is leaving a rock concert.
Let's get back to hot topics.
This swine flu has become even more serious than before.
There are reported cases as far away as China, India and as I said before, China.
One problem they're foreseeing is they're not going to have enough of this H1N1 vaccine.
8-1, N1, 8s-2B4, K-67B, R2D2.
These cats sticking letters after numbers and numbers after letters, I don't go to doctors.
The last time I went to a doctor he poked his head into the room and said, "Are you naked yet?" And I said, "Honey child, I'm not taking off my crocs".
You know, the only shot I want is a shot of Kahlua after looking at my neck wrinkles.
I look like I got frisbees around my neck.
So what? Who cares? You got a lot of jokes lined up for this one.
I can tell by the look on your face.
Thanks, Whoopi.
Here we go.
The only shot I want is a shot of David Caruso getting out of the shower.
Who cares, so what? My doctor told me that I have so much upper arm fat that if I was pushed out of a tree, I would glide like a squirrel.
Who cares, so what? You are so funny.
Actually you know what else is funny? How I got this hairstyle.
My hairdresser was halfway through giving me "The Rachel" when his blow-dryer exploded on the back of my head.
You guys, H1N1 is really serious.
This is scary.
The government cannot come into my house and tell me to get vaccinated.
I put antibacterial gel everywhere in my house.
Every corner.
Every corner.
Near my cell phone my crepe maker, my ceiling fan the banisters leading to my bathroom every corner.
Every corner.
Let's bring out our first guest.
He's a very prominent actor.
He starred in dozens of films including my favorite, Ghost Rider.
Please welcome Nicolas Cage.
Thank you for having me here today.
So you're broke now, right? Yes, I am.
Unfortunately my business manager made some grave errors with my money and it's gone! So what's next for Nicolas Cage? I'm gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.
Really? Maybe there'll be a treasure map on the back.
Or Maybe I'll just make another movie.
Something where I walk and I go "Watch out!" Fascinating.
I look forward to seeing that on the silver screen.
Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule.
I know you have to jog off to a book signing at Barnes & Noble.
You have a book out? Actually, no.
I'm just walking up to people and asking them if they want me to sign whatever book they're holding.
I do that too.
We'll see you all tomorrow when our guests will be Kristen Stewart and Wanda Sykes.
- Who's that? - Who, him? Them.
Those are the Franks.
They don't hang out with anyone else.
He's cute.
That's Philip, don't bother.
Stella, please sit with Philip.
OK, everyone.
Turn on your Bunsen burners.
I know what you are.
Your skin is green.
You have bolts in your neck.
- You freak out around fire.
- Say it out loud.
Frankenstein.
- Why won't you kiss me? - Because when I kiss people, I tend - to accidentally choke them to death.
- I want you to try.
We found an old blind man strangled to death.
- Looks like it was an accident.
- Strangled? By accident? Hey, Lomax.
- You hanging with Philip Frank now.
- What do you have against the Franks? Just be careful.
I do believe I'm gonna strangle someone by accident.
You are my life now.
You're choking me.
Sorry It's an accident.
So cute.
Adorable.
Thank you so much for doing this interview.
- I'm Brady Trunk.
- And I'm Anastasia Stix.
I know who both of you are.
I love Hollywood Dish.
- I love that you love it.
- And we love you.
This is going to be a 5-minute interview - and it's gonna air tonight.
- She knows how this works.
Let's get this started.
Are we ready? Is sound is good? Am I popping my P's? Six American Music Award nominations, not bad.
I know.
It's been such an amazing year.
I mean, I'm so fortunate.
It really is a dream come true.
I'm sorry, is everything okay? Yeah.
You're doing great.
It's just you're nodding so much, I thought maybe you were trying to tell me something.
No, we just don't wanna talk while you're talking.
It will screw up the sound.
We just do that - so you know we're engaged.
- That we're listening.
You're performing live at the AMAs.
Do you get nervous? It's a lot of pressure up there.
Sometimes you don't get that much time to rehearse.
And you don't wanna make a mistake in front of millions of people.
But usually things work out.
Great.
AMAs big night.
Do you think you're gonna win? I have a good feeling.
I mean I could win.
Anything's possible.
- What is she whispering right now? - You're an amazing talent.
- Thank you.
- Well, we mean it.
When you win, make sure you keep that Kanye off the stage.
Bigger laugh.
- Too much.
- Now you seem crazy.
Can you just give us one normal laugh? You know what This was fun.
This was great, but Just a few more questions.
What do you think about Ellen joining American Idol? I don't really have an opinion.
What do you do for fun? Well, just the usual stuff.
I like to go the movies hang out with my friends.
Spend time with my family What are you all d Spending time with my family, friends and Wait a sec.
Is he a sleep right now? I think you guys got enough here and I'm just gonna go ahead and go - right now.
- Thanks, Taylor.
- She was great.
So cute.
- That went really well.
Tonight, on Hollywood Dish, catch our exclusive interview with Taylor Swift.
Has the pressure finally gotten to her? That, plus Mario Lopez shows us how you can get his abs on your dog.
Tonight on Hollywood Dish.
I'm Samantha Samuels.
You know, teens have gotten a lot of flack recently for "DWT", or driving while texting.
And it's true, driving while texting can be very dangerous.
But teens aren't the only bad drivers.
In fact, many of the worst drivers are parents.
That's why I founded: Or T.
R.
A.
A.
A.
P.
D.
We'll teach you about such serious problems as Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start acting like an adult.
You're driving on the sidewalk.
Mom, I don't need a tissue.
- I think you do.
- Mom! Out of my way, nimrods.
And then the man will take that erection and you place it in the You will not crash this car.
These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere.
And there's more.
Like Turn left.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Turn left.
You know, before me your father was married to a Korean woman.
Where the hell is it? I think it's inside the dashboard.
How the hell did that happen? Don't use your turn signal.
After you, your highness.
After you.
He's got a gun.
See? Maybe teen drivers aren't so bad after all.
Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.
Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car? Mom! Get out! You're ruining my commercial! This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels with money she stole from her dad's desk.
I'm Seth Meyers and here are tonight's top stories.
This week in a positive sign that the economy may be recovering New Yorkers started buying big ticket items again, like elections and championships.
The NY Yankees won their 27th World Series title Wednesday with a 7-3 game six victory over the Amish.
Must have been a long horse and buggy ride back to Philly.
After the American Medical Association endorsed the democrats' health care reform bill Thursday, President Obama said we're closer than ever before.
Which is like your dad saying you're almost at Disneyland while he's still pulling out of the driveway.
And in breaking news, the House pass the health care reform bill in 11/07 this evening by vote of 220 to 215.
Nancy Pelosi was said to be so emotional, she was on the verge of blinking.
The democrats effort to pass their health care reform bill was helped earlier in the week when the senior citizens lobby, AARP, endorsed the democrats' version in the House.
Though to be fair, they thought they were signing up for water aerobics.
To protest this vote in the House on the health care reform bill, a massive tea party protest rally was held Thursday, outside the Capitol, featuring celebrities such as, Jon Voight and John Ratzenberger.
So I guess republicans only complain about actors talking politics when they're good actors.
With its defeat in Maine on Tuesday, referendums to legalize gay marriage lost in all 31 states in which has it has been put to a popular vote.
Though to be fair, I'm pretty sure straight marriage would also lose in a popular vote.
Here now with his own take on this week's top stories, political comedian Nicholas Feign.
Thank you very much.
For those of you who aren't familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today's newspapers.
And I provide my own skewed view just off the top of my head.
So let's start with your New York Times.
This is great.
"A free credit score followed by a monthly bill.
" You can't print that.
This is great.
I thought of you guys.
"Virginia republicans pledge to steer towards center.
" I read this on the way to work here.
I rode my bicycle.
"Protesters return in Tehran.
" This is exactly The reason it's outrageous is that no one Any mere assumption that we as a mass are gonna come together to I wouldn't I think Once If we were to examine the motorcycle industry in the Midwest the first thing people would The reminder The one alarm clock when it comes to, say, the Inuits, the way they treat the sick and elderly They're not I wouldn't assume I wouldn't even guess at how many times I would If one were to design a uniform for tour guides.
This often happens.
I'm starting to get concerned that you don't actually have anything to say.
Of all my friends Of all the people I have ever Of all If every organization If every group of every family Of every family, of every cousin of Of every sister of The people You and I as friends If we were to meet at a a cafe or a museum where they have pennies.
The one thing that I don't assume I think if they banned cremation in the '70s.
Wouldn't be easier Maybe it would help if you wrote it down.
This is a diagram of the economy of Nicaragua.
And once that rises past That's enough.
Nicholas Feign, everybody.
You're unprepared.
On Wednesday, Glenn Beck was forced to leave his radio show after he suffered an appendicitis attack on air.
Man, that's rough.
First his sponsors abandoned him and now his organs want out.
The 20 story tall Oasis Of The Seas, the world's largest cruise ship began her maiden voyage this week.
Five times larger than the Titanic, it has seven neighborhoods, an ice rink, a golf course, a 750 seat outdoor amphitheater and please say "guns to fight off pirates".
No? No guns to fight off pirates? Enjoy your new boat, pirates.
Russia has launched a nationwide campaign to curb excessive drinking which has plagued the country.
First step, move the legal drink age up from 0.
Plans this week, were announced for a Lilith Fair 2010.
The popular all female summer musical festival ran from 1997 to 1999 and was co-founded by Sarah McLachlan.
Here to talk about it now is Sarah McLachlan.
Thanks for having me.
Sarah, I have to tell you, I am so excited about Lilith Fair.
I am also so, so excited.
Lilith Fair means so much to me.
But there's something else I wanna talk to you about.
- What's that? - The dogs.
The dogs, Seth.
We talked about this and you agreed you weren't going to bring up those dogs from those creepy ASPCA commercials.
All of the dogs you are about to see are dead or about to die.
Don't show the dogs! In the arms of the angel This dog's house is in foreclosure.
Fly away from here I hate these commercials.
This dog is a single mother.
And I do believe I found you I, for real, broke my hand last year trying to get to the remote to change the channel during this commercial.
This dog committed dog suicide.
These commercials are the worst.
There is nothing wrong with this dog.
- Good.
- Except that he was molested by this dog! That is enough.
Sarah McLachlan, everyone.
A new iPhone application was launched Wednesday that claims to be able to translate an infant's cry so parents can determine what their child wants.
Though I think what they generally want is for you to put down your iPhone.
The number 1 movie at the box office this past weekend was the Michael Jackson concert documentary This Is It which made $21 million or as Jackson would have thought of it, unicorn money.
A woman from England revealed this week on The Tyra Banks Show that she has two vaginas, two uteruses and two menstrual cycles.
So stay away from her when she has "ppmmss".
I really wanna believe this lady, but I think there are a lot of holes in her story.
How did that get in there? It was reported this week that Wall Street firms including Goldman Sachs received the swine flu vaccine from the Centers for Disease Control despite massive shortages of the vaccine nationwide.
Which brings us to a segment we like to call, Really, Goldman Sachs? I understand you're an institution, like all institutions you need vaccines, but before schools and hospitals? Do you not know that you currently have a serious PR problem? Really, I know that to you guys swine flu is almost as terrifying as drinking tap water or sending your kids to public school, but really? Can you not read how mad people are at you? When most people saw the headline "Goldman Sachs "get swine flu vaccine", they were super happy until they saw the word vaccine.
Your job is to predict the future.
So the next time someone offers you medicine before they give it to pregnant ladies, see if you can predict how well that's gonna go down.
And really, you do realize that as bankers, you should try to distance yourself from the word swine? Have you never seen an editorial cartoon? Pig in a top hat, pockets full of money Making it way too easy, guys.
And by the way, our flu shots are like bonuses now? Are you worried that if you don't give them to your top people they'll leave? Where they gonna go? I don't even watch the news but no one is hiring.
Also just a tip.
If you're trying to convince people that you care about things other than money, may I suggest removing the words "gold" and "sach" from your name.
Also Center for Disease Control, you sent the vaccine to Wall Street before schools and hospitals? Really? Were you worried the swine flu might spread to the Hamptons and St.
Bart's? These are the least contagious people.
They don't even touch their own car door handles.
So really, CDC, the next time you wanna give something to Goldman that should be going to students, how about an economics textbook? Or a noogie? Give yourself a big fat noogie, Goldman Sachs.
Or a wet willy.
- For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler, good night! What a touching ceremony.
I've never been to a wedding - where so many people cried.
- I know.
Nicole looked so beautiful.
I'm so glad I brought tissues.
I brought tissues too.
Probably more tissues than you so I also bought paper towels, a beach towel sponge and a ShamWow.
Used them all up.
So I guess I was more emotional than you were.
Honey, this is Penelope.
Hi, I'm June.
I went to high school with Nicole.
I went to college with Nicole.
And her parents and her neighbors.
We all live together in a dorm.
We were also at school with the DJ too.
I probably know everyone here better than you.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Hi, everybody.
Two announcements.
One, I hope you're ready to boogie tonight.
And two, while we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we'd like you all to take your seats.
Your salad has been served.
I already ate my salad.
It's my tenth salad today.
It was really good.
I have a salad bar in my car.
The steering wheel is a big crouton.
And it runs on blue cheese dressing.
This table is beautiful.
Look at all these cute little boxes.
They're so cute.
They have M&M's in them! At my wedding we had M&M&M&M&M&M's.
Just a few more "Ms" on our candies, a little bit bigger, a little better.
We also had L&L's and L&O's and Q&Q's.
A little better than M&M's.
They're from Iceland.
Known for their chocolates.
Really? All right, it's the moment we've been waiting for.
If I could get you to look that way.
I'm already looking that way already.
That's the only way I'm looking.
I guess I'm more focused than everyone else.
Are those horse blinders? Really? I would like to introduce for the very first time ever, Mr.
and Mrs.
Nicole and Steve Parker.
They're so cute.
What is she doing? Thanks for coming, everyone.
It means so much that you're all here tonight.
Yeah, but don't drink too much.
I still have to pay for the honeymoon.
I just got back from my honeymoon.
We went to the moon actually.
It's made of honey.
Enjoy your dinners.
What is she doing up there? That is so rude.
June, relax.
Let's just have a good time.
Why don't you clink your glass so they have to kiss? You love doing that.
I do love seeing people kiss at weddings.
Penelope is ruining this entire reception.
You making a scene isn't going to make it any better.
She's ruining their day! This is my day.
I bought it from the government, it's National Penelope day in 14 countries.
The children celebrate running in the streets.
The post office is closed but I still get my mail.
- Really? - Honey.
National Penelope day? You know what, the month of June was actually named after me.
And, you know what else? Every night before I go sleep, I take my feet off and if I close my eyes real tight I can I can watch Toy Story on my eyelids.
And my mom is a roller coaster.
And I was born in the in the 1930s.
So what do you have to say about that, Penelope? I guess all I can say is that before I go sleep my feet take me off and they go to bed.
And when I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies on demand.
It's free 'cause I know a guy.
My mom is Six Flags and my dad is Bush Gardens.
Whenever I want to, I can turn into a black and white movie star from the 30s.
Are you serious? Are you kidding me right now? - Why don't you just relax and - Let's go to the bar having drinks.
- Do not come with us.
- Absolutely, let's just I don't need to go to the bar 'cause I already had 50 margaritas.
I'm gonna get my black and white car but I'm not gonna drive 'cause I'm drunk.
Just a little drunk right now.
All right, knuckle heads.
I bet you think joyriding is real fresh, huh? Next time I catch you driving your parent's car without a license, you're gonna be joyriding in a police cruiser.
You got that? Yes, officer.
You got a bad attitude all of you.
That's why I've invited two representatives from the scared straight program to come talk to you, punks.
They're inmates over at Largemonte maximum security prison and they're here to warn you about the dangers of a criminal lifestyle.
Macintosh, Devlin, you wanna get in here? All right, here we come.
On your feet.
Up! Now, sit down.
Sit down! - I said on your feet.
- Get up! Men, sit your ass down.
My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.
I'm skinny Devlin.
But people call us "the swirl".
'Cause we're black and white.
Twisted.
What they do this time? We caught these kids tooling around in their parent's car without a license.
We were just joyriding.
Close your damn mouth! You think I never got caught joyriding? I was a real showboat back at the Naval Fighter Pilots Academy.
But one day I got I had a risky maneuver during the training mission and my best friend Goose died in midair.
Is that what you want? You responsible for Goose's death and Iceman won't let you forget it 'cause this here is real! I think that's the plot of the movie Top Gun.
Top Gun? You better watch yourself.
In prison, guns don't go in the tops.
They're going bottoms.
And mouths.
And you don't feel the need The need to bleed.
'Cause you'll be everyone's favorite cockpit.
But they won't eject out of you.
They'll going inject into you.
You can't say stuff like that to the kids.
Our bad, Chief.
I stay on the reservation.
Just don't tax my cigarettes.
Why you kids stealing your parents' car? We're bored.
We just drove around and blasted some tunes.
So what? You don't think I have been bored? You don't think I like music? Back in the day I was a nun who couldn't stop singing.
So the other nuns sent me to be a governess for the Von Trapp family.
Pretty soon I was running through the mountains teaching seven children how to sing.
Is that what you want? You're running away from Germans and wondering how you solve a problem like Maria.
'Cause this here is real! That's just The Sound Of Music.
My goodness gracious.
Watch out.
Keep your damn mouth shut! Or the only trap you'll have to worry about is the trap they set for you in the laundry room.
And you'll be wondering how you solve a problem like gonorrhea.
Only song you'll be singing is this one.
John Doe The name they'll give your corpse Rape, a thing that's done to you Me, why me? I want my mom Far inside you they will go So, a needle pulling thread Why? To stick back up your butt Absolutely not.
No singing.
- I gave you way too much leeway.
- That's on us, chief.
My bad, I stay in my lane.
I just can't afford the tolls.
Which one you've all is the ring leader? Boy, get your butt up here.
Get up! How fast were you going, Kurt Russell? Fast enough.
You think I never got caught speeding before? One time I watched my doctor friend get shot dead in the streets over some plutonium.
So I hopped in his car.
I believe it was a Camaro.
Maybe a Delorean.
I got it up to 88 miles per hour and pretty soon I was back in 1955 and my own mother was trying to kiss me.
Is that what you want? You disappear from a photograph and Biff's beating your daddy up.
'Cause this here is real! That's definitely Back To The Future.
No more babies.
Boy, you better keep your damn mouth shut or you're gonna be going back to the showers and the only speed you're gonna reach is 88 dudes per hour.
- Ain't talking about no flux capacitor.
- That's more than one a minute.
We ain't talking about no flux capacitor.
We talking about a butt capacity! And yours just hit 1.
21 jizawatts! No way, Macintosh! - That was bad.
- Yeah, that was bad.
Bad.
You both need to leave, now.
- We're busy anyway.
- No, you're not.
Just remember You wanna speed up they gonna slow you down.
You wanna break the law they're gonna break you.
You want a joyride, you're gonna be a joy to ride! And the only seat available is bitch! - All right, we out.
- Good.
1.
21 jizawatts.
Let's go both of you.
Let's go, scoot.
Get out of here.
You, boys, learn your lesson? I didn't think so.
That's nice, they're helping an old lady to cross the street.
They're killing her.
They're killing her? Are you sure you don't mind staying in tonight? It doesn't matter where we are, Lexie, as long as we're together.
- That's the worst.
- I know.
I'm adorable, right? You still wanna watch Master And Commander? Or we could play master and commander.
Stop it! Oh, no, is that your roommate? Lexie, I'm back.
- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
I love you.
You're my everything.
Have you been out of town or something? No, she's been at work and her part time job at Bath And Body Works.
For two hours.
I missed you.
I love you so much.
Bath And Body Works is the worst.
- So is being away from you.
- Bennett, look who's here! - What are we watching? - Master And Commander, but not until you get in your jammies.
OK, hurry! - Wait, don't go.
Don't go yet.
- I have to.
You get make me do anything.
Isn't she cool? She's definitely cool.
Have you thought anymore about getting your own place? Kind of.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this.
How are you? What happened? I'm just sitting here.
It's Anna.
- Yeah, he's still here.
- She's calling you from the other room? I'm sorry, hon, what did you say? I miss you too.
Are you in your jammies yet? Well, come on out, then.
See you soon.
- That was Anna.
- Yeah, I know.
Do you wanna maybe go hang out at my place? I don't know.
Anna just got here.
I don't think she's gonna wanna go out.
- Look who brought snacks.
- Snacks for my tummy! Get in here! - Who wants some blanket? - I do! - You want some blanket? - I'm okay.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
Quit your job.
I want to so bad.
You're the only person I wanna hang out with.
I was gonna tell you something.
Hay if for horses and chickens and fish! Hit me 3 times and I'll grant you your wish! Barack Obama! Does he get it? Do you get it? Hay if for horses and chickens and fish! Hit me 3 times and I'll triple you your wish! Look, your inside jokes are really cute and everything, but I thought tonight was just gonna be about us hanging out.
That's weird.
I get it.
I guess I'll just head back to my room now.
What's wrong? Nothing, she's just like a really great person.
You wanna hang out with Anna.
I'm totally fine with this.
- If it really means that much - Great.
Hey, Anna.
Hay is for horses and chickens and fish.
The story of a couple of bunnies with a lot of ambition.
And before you see the movie, buy the soundtrack, featuring an original song by Randy Newman.
Bunnies wearing suits Bunnies in a fight Tiny bunnies brief case Bunny Business These bunnies have a nose for business and a tail for the ages.
And now you can own the soundtrack featuring a brand new song by Natalie Merchant.
These are bunnies With 401(k)s Never before have bunnies Worked in an office And that's not all.
Bunny business features over 30 original songs from some of the world's most successful singers.
Including Shakira.
So many bunnies On the floor tonight Hoping and shaking Their bunny hips There's a she-bunny in all of us Jump on the dance floor Don't be shy Wear a pants so intense and it flies Bunny girls hop on your bunny boys Bunny Business soundtrack 'cause when you hear the words "animated bunnies", you immediately think of Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows.
Bunny Business song Bunnies in pant suits And Mr.
Jones Bunny Business, little kids like bunnies, but they love Eddie Vedder and Christina Aguilera.
That one didn't even mention Bunny Business but who cares? We were too busy enjoying this instant classic by Jennifer Hudson.
No way They're not wearing pant suits It's a whole big mess Of funky bunny business And you and you and you You're gonna pay me For this soundtrack You're gonna pay me money The Bunny Business soundtrack.
Even if you buy it, our careers are over.
Saturday Night Sub Batefer, So.
This was SNL.
I cannot believe this is happening to me right now.
Thanks to Amy Poehler for coming out.
Thanks to my band.
Thanks to Lorne Michaels.
Every single people on the stage.
This has been the best week of my life.
And thank you so, so much for having me you guys.
Good night!