Saturday Night Live (1975) s36e12 Episode Script
Gwyneth Paltrow Cee Lo Green
you're watching fox news.
good evening, I'm greta von Susteren.
And welcome to a fox news Special, "embracing civility.
" In the wake of president obama's Speech on Thursday as well as an Overwhelming public outcry for Discourse, we at fox have made The decision to use rhetoric When discussing political Viewpoints, whether they be left Or right.
Or in the center.
Joining me on the panel today, The host of the "sean hannity Show," sean hannity.
Hello, sean.
hello, greta.
michelle.
wonderful to be here, greta.
also, host of "the glenn beck Show," glenn beck.
Hello, glenn.
I do not like this.
you promised you'd try it, Glenn.
fine.
It's so wonderful to be here? okay.
Let's get started.
On Monday republicans in the House will get back to their Agenda, and first up is their Health care repeal bill titled Repealing the job-killing health Care act.
Job killing? Is this an example of the heated Rhetoric we need to stay away From? yes.
Perhaps job euthanizing? I would go with job choking Or freedom raping.
they're taking our jobs and Giving them a lethal injection Of socialism that is poisoning Our economy and our freedom.
oh, yeah.
I like that.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
So we agree, let's call it the Repealing the giving our jobs a Lethal injection of our Socialism and poisoning our Economy and raping our health Care.
See, we can work together.
Joining us now to illustrate our New civility, we have invited a Friend from that other network, Cnn -- oh -- james carville.
hello, hello.
[ applause .]
let me get this straight.
Fox news is now the civil polite Network? Is that right? that's right, james.
And may I say, I look forward to A pleasant exchange of ideas.
this is never going to work.
oh, it's going to work, james Because we at fox are committed To civility.
ain't nobody here going to Lose their cool with me and call Me a bleeding-heart marxist? nope.
nope.
what was that, glenn? no.
well, if that's the case, let Me tell you about my wonderful Day.
I had a nice lunch with arianna Huffington and michael moore and My friend lucien.
He's a gay soldier.
We ate at a vegan restaurant.
That means no animals got hurt.
And that's important because Animals are really just people With fur.
Isn't that nice, sean hannity? Then we went to the hospital and Under obama care, I got a free X-ray.
I didn't need one, but since It's free, I'm going to take it.
Turns out my skeleton looks just Like me.
Ain't that funny? am I the only one here -- glenn, it's not polite to cut Someone off.
You should let people finish Their sen-ten-ces.
Okay, I'm done.
I'm not going to be baited by You, james.
I can be a fair and open-minded Person.
Just two days ago I praised Obama for his speech.
You will not make me lose my Cool.
good, glenn.
Look who's using your studio.
I'm rachel maddow.
And look what I wrote.
and the civility is over.
But live from new york, it's Saturday night! announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wiig featuring -- Vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharoah Musical guest cee lo green And your host, gwyneth paltrow! Ladies and gentlemen, gwyneth Paltrow! thank you! [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Wow! It is a thrill and an honor to Be back hosting "Saturday night Live.
" So much has changed since I last Hosted.
I moved to london.
So I took some time off to be British.
Which was smashing and Brilliant.
And now I am starring in a film Called "country strong.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
I play a down-on-her-luck Country singer.
I actually recorded a song and Had the honor of performing it At "the country music awards.
" [ cheers and applause .]
I learned so much about country Music.
I studied it for months and Months.
And I've really come to love it.
All the old-school greats like Johnny cash and, um, roy -- roy Something.
Oh, the lady with the hair and The big boobs.
I know them all.
I really, really immersed myself In it.
And it became my life.
I hope I'm not interrupting Anything.
wow! Garth brooks! kenny rogers.
Kenny rogers.
kenny rogers.
yeah.
the country singer.
mm-hmm.
I knew that.
yeah.
So gwyneth, you really know your Country music, huh? does a chigger sit on a dune Bug gay? Buggy? no, it does not.
I'd be honored if you help me Sing my most famous duet.
The one I performed with dolly Parton which, of course, is? "islands in the stream.
" You know that one, right? vof course, I know "islands n The stream.
" Hit it, y'all.
real strong on the y'all.
baby when I met you there was Peace unknown I set out to get you with a Fine-tooth comb there was something going on Come on.
You know it.
you something something sitting by the river hanging Around every beat of my heart we got something going on islands in the stream not yet.
I know.
I know.
the love is right do you have the words on the Screen? I know the words, but it's kind Of old.
I need it for reference.
We had cue cards up.
Oh, wait, I know this part.
islands in the stream there we go.
that is what we are we are in the stream and it's a perfect stream it's my favorite stream because we are both in it and we rely on each other uh-huh from one lover to another uh-huh ladies and gentlemen, dolly Parton! oh, thank god.
okay.
Bye, y'all! whoa, whoa, whoa, just a Minute.
thank you.
Thank you.
Now, I don't mean to interrupt You two.
no, no, interrupt.
It's fine.
gwyneth, darling, you did Such a great job performing my Song on "glee.
" [ cheers and applause .]
I thought that it would be Cool to sing something together.
yes.
Great! "forget you"? Should we do "forget you"? no, I think we should do "islands in the stream.
" come on, gwyneth, you know The words.
oh, all right.
Hit it! islands in the stream that is what we are no one in between how can we be wrong sail away with me to another world and we rely on each other uh-huh from one lover to another uh-huh [ cheers and applause .]
the viewers have spoken, and Some of them said, we'd like to Take the all-new nbc show about The man who gets his super Powers from a magical cape.
If you like superheroes who get Their power from items of Clothing, you'll like "scarf.
" She used to think crime was a Real pain in the neck until she Discovered "the scarf.
" crime better bundle up.
only on nbc.
and the mild-mannered painter Until he was framed for murder.
Now when crime gets dirty, throw On "the smock.
" And that's not all.
When jeff nelson's dance studio Blew up in 1983, he lost Everything except "the Legwarmer.
" He's kicking crime's ass with a Warmed-up calf.
Also coming soon to nbc, "the Sleep mask.
" who's there? the bolo tie.
And "the water bottle holder.
" When crime gets thirsty, blast Some water on it.
"the scrunchy.
" It's a dude.
The television event of 2011.
my secret identity is someone Slightly fatter than this.
Nbc, take it or leave it.
[ cheers and applause .]
and now it's time to play The game the stars play, "secret Word" with your host, lyle Rounds.
hello.
I'm lyle rounds.
[ cheers and applause .]
My wife is at a bra burning Today.
She said she was just going to Watch.
When I get home, I better not Smell bra smoke.
Okay.
Why don't we meet our Celebrities.
She's better known for her work On the broadway stage, please Welcome mindy elise greyson! [ cheers and applause .]
oh, hello! Oh, I am thrilled to be seen Here by all of you.
Isn't it a dream? oh.
So mindy, you're looking lovely.
Lovely.
oh, thank you, lyle.
I painted my teeth and pulled my Neck back with scotch tape.
terrific.
All right.
Our next guest is a socialite And writes for "soiree" Magazine.
Please welcome ms.
Tomlinson.
isn't this smashing? Tonight is going to be a smash And another smash and a half.
two full smashes.
All right, ladies, are you ready To play the game? I play the most marvelous Game last night.
It's called "where's truman Capote's index finger?" We all watched truman bend over And -- it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Enough of that.
Enough of that.
Let's meet your game partner.
my game butler, perfect.
I'm dying for a cocktail.
no, he's not a butler.
He's here to play the game.
I'm so sorry.
By the way, I'm a huge fan of Nat king cole.
all righty.
We start the game.
Mindy, are you ready? don't ask an actress if she's Ready unless you want to get a Face full of here we go! okay.
Okay.
the secret word is grab.
ten seconds on the clock.
oh, I'm sorry.
Can we stop the clock? I need to disqualify myself.
I think I just saw the secret Word.
you're supposed to see it.
You're giving the clues.
oh.
climbing.
Swim.
Hair.
mindy, you're allowed to Speak.
oh, good.
Grab.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ applause .]
no, that was the incorrect Buzzer.
oh, it wasn't the correct Buzzer? no, it wasn't.
You said the secret word.
I did.
I said grab.
There are no secret words to an Actress.
I see the word and I explore it Just like I do nightly in the Hit play "becky became trashy.
" The story of a preacher's Daughter who went from spreading The good word to spreading her Bad knees.
[ laughter .]
"becky became trashy.
" Rex reed called it "what?" [ laughter .]
all right.
Now, let's move over to tipsy's Team.
oh, this is going to be a Hoot and two third of another Hoot.
let's begin.
the secret word is cream.
it's on the menu.
I've never been there.
you haven't? I believe you, but I've never Been there.
when you do, make sure you Get the cream glaze.
I just said the first word for Cream.
[ buzzer .]
you said the secret word.
your partner is a professor Of urology.
I'd like to remind my Students we're having a quiz on Aspa Asparagus tomorrow.
mback to mindy, remember, Don't say the secret word.
don't worry.
I'll be as quiet as my agent When I call her on the phone.
ten seconds on the clock.
the secret word is soup.
remember, mindy, don't say The secret word.
I'm not a child, lyle.
suit.
mindy.
I failed just like I did in a Musical that closed before the Curtain got all the way up.
Here is the 11:00 number.
Hit it.
bombay pam and the Flatbread gang Making lots of mad sit down.
Sit down.
oh.
not only has this been bee's Knees, it's been the entire bee Leg.
well, we'll be right back After a word from johnson & Johnson baby cages.
Keep your baby out of harm's way In a small cage.
hey.
excuse me.
You know what time it is? time for you to get a watch.
oh, my gosh.
I'm such a big fan.
I know you are, but what am I? hey, you've got to let me buy You a drink.
I usually just stick with Milk.
I guess just this once.
awesome.
Excuse me, bartender? Shots.
two more.
Two more! more dri more drinks more drinks tequila! tequila that was the best night of my Life, andy.
hey, look.
It's anderson cooper.
you know him? yeah.
Hey, anderson.
hey, andy, how's it going? can I ask you a question? Are you guys going to hook up? is that a joke? [ bleep .]
is there a problem, officer? you boys been drinking Tonight? I'm going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test.
When I say blow.
I had one drink.
did you see the look on his Face? hey, what are you guys doing Here? this is an intervention, Andy.
we're just trying to have Some fun.
he's not the only one with The problem, pee-wee.
Your friends are here, too.
jerry? oh, pee-wee.
you're a b-b-bad influence on Each other.
we are not.
oh, really? hey, anderson.
you hit me in the eye.
Do you know what happened if I Lost these eyes? They're a national treasure.
they are -- that would be Terrible.
you guys can't hang out Together anymore.
Why don't you take a moment to Say good-bye.
okay.
Good-bye, andy.
it was fun while it lasted.
Even though you're a bad Influence, you're a great Friend.
I know you are.
But what am I? you stole my line.
yea! drink! Shots! this is a very exciting day For my bar mitzvah boy.
Excuse me, bar mitzvah man.
Jacob.
And I believe he has something To say.
Maybe he wants to thank some People.
Come on, don't be shy.
thank you for attending Jacob's rocking bar mitzvah.
[ light laughter .]
Having you all here makes it Really top of the charts.
[ light laughter .]
that's clever.
Now, as some of you may know, Jacob's uncle aaron is a big Shot in the music biz, so we Were able to get a rocking guest To celebrate jacob's big day.
Please welcome the one and only Taylor swift! [ applause .]
hey, y'all.
hey, jacob.
Thank you so much for having me.
Y'all are awesome.
I'm a foot taller than the Tallest man here.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
I'm going to play one of my Hits, but with a bar mitzvah Twist.
he's in synagogue With his new braces on Sitting with no mirrors To put makeup on doesn't get your Mel brooks humor Like I do he wears macy's I wear lowman's He wears filene's and I wear Filene's basement can't you see He's just a j-a-p Not like japanese Thanks, y'all! [ applause .]
the lovely taylor swift.
After that performance, no one's Going to remember you fainted in Temple.
dad.
now, uh, while we have a Lull, let me say some of the Older kids are bending the Forks.
Do not bend the forks.
Kids who bend forks ought to be Locked up in the bronx zoo.
Now, if you can believe it, we Have another amazing guest, Mr.
"z," mr.
Jay-z! [ applause .]
yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Hey.
You may asking what am I doing At a bar mitzvah? Well, you know, I got a Expensive coffee table book out.
I've been appearing on Charlie rose.
It's all a part of my new image.
Less black.
Hit it.
Yeah.
while we read the torah Just to learn the word of god Straight from deuteronomy Most about astronomy libra I'm straight up with ya Ain't enough You've got to -- dirty ass shelters Don't defy yahweh Because this man's selfish yeah Ladies and gentlemen Yeah alicia keys yeah bar mitzvah This is a bar mitzvah yeah.
Mazel tov.
[ applause .]
jacob, I hope you brought Your little black book, because After this party, it's going to Be filled with ladies.
dad, I told you.
I just wanted a modest luncheon.
[ laughter .]
that's nonsense.
We've been blessed, and we Should celebrate.
You know, if he had his way, We'd go to fuddruckers and lock Himself in a room for Three hours.
What do you do in there, anyway? Okay.
The parade of stars is not over.
Let's welcome the teen dream, Katy perry.
[ applause .]
hi, everybody.
Happy jewish! One, two, three! I know a place Where the grass is always Greener That's right.
real wedding wild There must be something in The dead sea we jews Their so incredible Jews are cool too West coast reps represent oh ooh oh ooh oh Shalom, you guys! [ applause .]
all right.
Katy perry.
This was a wonderful bar Mitzvah.
I'm so proud of my son.
And I'm going to close with cee Lo -- oh, green, a member of the Tribe.
take it away, sir.
now, before I get started, Some of these older kids around Here are bending forks.
Now, what's up with this bending Forks thing? I mean, that's just Straight up mashugana you know What I'm saying? So jacob, this one is for you.
if there's one thing In the world That jacob can do And that is talk hebrew it's a million year Old language That kind of sounds like Gargling like hebrew hebrew When the moses To those precocious [ cheers and applause .]
I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love And I'm like -- whoa! Congratulations, gentlemen.
We've got a hit on our hands.
We need to get this to the radio Immediately.
we will, but there is a small Problem.
yeah, the fcc says cee lo's New song is profane, and we Can't play it on the radio Unless we change the lyrics.
what the forget are you Talking about? karen, language.
I'm sorry larry, but I'm Forgetting furious.
This is forgetting bull sugar.
karen, relax.
shut the forget up, keith.
whoa.
Whoa.
rodney, I'm in the middle of a Forgetting meeting.
Can you forgetting knock? sorry, I forgot.
well, the next time you Forgetting forget, I'll cut off Your dixie cup and forget you in The ear with it, and then you'll Never forgetting forget.
Now, what was so forgetting Important? cee lo is here.
oh, forget me in the Sasquatch.
[ laughter .]
Okay, send him in.
what's up, mother forgetters? [ laughter .]
how you doing, cee lo? feeling good, my nintendos.
that's my nintendo.
Right.
It's not cool when I say that Word.
cee lo, we have some good News and we have some bad news.
The good news is we love the Track.
The bad news is, the fcc needs You to change the lyrics.
is she forgetting kidding? I'm forgetting wish I was, you know what? Those people at the fcc Can suit my black dixie carter.
forget them, cee lo.
They're sugar heads and Sasquatch holes.
The fcc lady I talked to over There was a world-class country Strong.
karen.
sorry! Bill, I bet if we put our heads Together, we could come up with A replacement that works.
fudge? flock? fact? pussy? no.
[ laughter .]
you can't say that.
you can say it if you mean Cat.
is that what you meant? no.
[ laughter .]
okay, I've had it.
Connect me to the fcc.
It's time someone stands up to Them.
you go, karen.
forgetting "a.
" hello.
This is karen Antonelli.
I want to talk to you about a Little something called free Speech.
Because I work with an artist Who wrote a piece of art, and he Is going to perform it the way It was meant to be performed, And you can't stop him.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Right.
Sure.
Sure.
Great.
Thank you.
so what did they say? they're going to let him say "forget" on national television.
yes! ladies and gentlemen, cee lo Green! [ cheers and applause .]
I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love and I'm like Forget you I guess the change in my pocket Wasn't enough I'm like Forget you and forget her too If I was richer I'd still be With ya Ain't that some -- although There's pain in my chest I wish you the best With a forget you I'm sorry I can't afford a ferrari But that don't mean I can't get you there I guess he's an xbox And I'm more atari But the way you play your game Ain't fair I pity the fool That falls in love With you oh -- she's a gold digger Well Just thought You should know ooh Have I got news for you Yeah go run and tell Your little boyfriend I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love And I'm like forget you I guess the change In my pocket Wasn't enough I'm like forget you And forget her too I said, if I was richer I'd still be with ya ha, now ain't That some -- Ain't that some -- and although There's pain in my chest I still wish you The best with a Forget you Now I know That I had to borrow beg and steal And lie and cheat Trying to keep ya Trying to please ya 'cause being in love With you ass ain't cheap I pity the fool that falls in love With you Oh she's a gold digger Well just thought You should know Oooh have I got News for you I really hate you Right now woman I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love And I'm like forget you I guess the change In my pocket Wasn't enough forget you And forget her too if I was richer I'd still be with ya Ha, now ain't that some -- Ain't that some -- and although There's pain in my chest I still wish you The best with a forget you Baby, baby, baby Why'd you wanna wanna Hurt me so bad so bad, so bad, so bad I tried to tell my mamma But she told me "this is one for your dad" Your dad, your dad, your dad Wyoming why baby I love you I still love you driving 'round town With the girl I love Forget you woman I guess the change In my pocket Wasn't enough so Forget you Ooh [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: "weekend update With seth meyers.
" [ cheers and applause .]
good evening, I'm seth Meyers, and here are tonight's Top stories.
in a video posted on her Facebook page, sarah palin Condemned the media's coverage Of the arizona shootings by Using the phrase "blood libel," Which refers to a harsh Anti-semitic slur, and I would Be super offended if I thought She knew that.
[ laughter .]
former house majority leader Tom delay was sentenced Monday To three years in prison for his Role in a money laundering case, Plus another 18 months for This -- wild thing [ laughter .]
do not show that in prison.
verizon wireless announced Tuesday that it will start Selling the iphone in early February, offering a choice to Users of at&t.
A spokesman for at&t said Something, but I didn't catch Most of it.
[ laughter .]
under new rules released Today by the department of Agriculture, schools around the Country would have to make Drastic changes in their lunch Menus, including offering Students more fruits and Vegetables and limiting their French fries, which I think Means the french fry is about to Become the prison cigarette of Public schools.
[ laughter .]
this week, america's love Affair with guns was a hot topic Of debate, and it is a love Affair.
Don't believe me? Here's the poster for the new Movie "the mechanic.
" It's a gun made of a bunch of Other guns, and it's about a Mechanic.
And, of course, when you talk About guns, you always hear a Lot about the second amendment And the founding fathers and What they would say if they were Here today.
Well, I, for one, think if the Founding fathers were here Today, they would be super Freaked out by cars.
[ laughter .]
You can talk to them all you Want about the second amendment, And they would just yell "what Are these metal beasts doing Rolling down the thoroughfare?" And you tell them "those are Cars," and then you tried to Bring up militias, and they Would scream "how can you speak Of militias when steel dragons Shoot through the sky?" And you'd try to explain Airplanes, but even if they Could wrap their heads around That, they'd eventually ask "why Are all the slaves out?" [ laughter .]
They would think that.
Groan all you want, they would Think that.
And yes, the founding fathers Have the right to bear arms, but The guys who wrote that would Pee through all eight layers of Their pants if they saw what Guns are now.
In 1787, shooting a bullet was Slightly faster than throwing One.
[ laughter .]
If you wanted to be bulletproof In 1787, you put on a heavy Coat.
So with that in mind, I'm all About americans having the Guns slopgs as long as they're The muskets from 1787 that take Forever to load.
This is how a violent Altercation would look.
"you can't say that about my Wife.
Hold on.
You are going to get it.
I am going to show you.
Ah, he drove off.
" See? Isn't that better? [ applause .]
officials at facebook said There was no truth to a rumor That the social network would be Shutting down on March 15 so That founder mark zuckerberg Could get his old life back.
What old life? The one where he was a giant Computer nerd and didn't have Money? a new mobile phone app was Released Friday by turbotax Called "snap tax," which would Allow people to prepare their Taxes from their smartphone.
Finally, the stress and headache Of doing your taxes comes to a Much smaller screen.
[ laughter .]
farmers in south africa Reported that baboons have Discovered a new type of Tangerine, or it could be an old Type of tangerine.
Baboons aren't that good at Science.
speculation has begun about Which republicans will run for President in 2012, one Politician who has already Declared his candidacy is former New york gubernatorial candidate Jimmy mcmillan.
Here to comment from the rent is Too damn high party, jimmy Mcmillan.
[ cheers and applause .]
allow me to reintroduce Myself.
[ laughter .]
I used to represent the rent is Too damn high party because the Rent was too damn high.
And then I was defeated for Governor by the narrowest of Margins.
65-1.
I called up the new governor, Perry como, to congratulate him.
And I'll never forget what he Told me.
He said "at the tone, the time Will be 3:00 a.
M.
" yeah, that wasn't the Governor.
the people of new york spoke Loud and clear, seth.
And they said jimmy mcmillan is Too good to be governor.
He needs to be at least President.
And that is why in 3012, I am Running for president of new York.
Watch out, grover cleveland.
[ laughter .]
where to begin? I read you're planning to run For president as a republican, Is that right? that is correct.
At first, I was worried about Becoming a republican.
I mean, it's a crazy party of Crazy people, seth.
And the last thing I want is People to think that Jimmy mcmillan isn't taking this Seriously.
I'm just hoping to appeal to More mainstream republicans Without losing my political Base, novelty voters.
[ laughter .]
That is why, if elected President, I will not live in The white house because the rent Is too damn high.
I will instead live in a seventh Floor walkup in baltimore, and I Will commute to the white house Via roller skates.
[ laughter .]
do you have a platform yet? you mean like where I'll Sleep? no.
I meant a platform like a Central issue.
oh.
Yes, I do.
My platform is -- the deficit is Too damn high.
The deficit is $14 trillion, Seth, that's enough to rent a Small one-bedroom in the bronx.
[ laughter .]
With barely enough left over for Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
[ laughter .]
and what if, you know, god Forbid, you're not elected President? then guess what? I'm going back to vietnam to Finish what I started.
So keep your chin up, america.
And the best way to do a chin-up Is to grab here and here and Lift.
Be strong, america! jimmy mcmillan, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
Jimmy mcmillan.
a town in switzerland is Warning dog owners that if they Do not pay the annual $50 tax on Dogs, their pets will be Euthanized.
Switzerland, neutral on nazis, Tough on dogs.
[ laughter .]
it was reported that Producers of "extra" are Developing "chitchat" which is a Latino version of "the view" in Case you've ever wondered what It's like to be inside a Headache.
a picture of a "playboy" Model that was hidden aboard the Apollo xii mission to the moon Will soon be auctioned off.
Well, at least I now understand That famous astronaut quote, That's one small step for man, One giant "aww, geez, buzz.
Don't do that in here.
" police in canada barged into Of home of a man after they Thought they smelled marijuana, But it was actually a skunk.
But keep looking.
The guy with the pet skunk Definitely also definitely has Weed.
tomorrow night, the golden Globe awards will be telecast.
Here to help us catch up with The nominees is our own vanessa Bayer, live at the nbc golden Globes street party.
Hi, vanessa.
reporter: Seth, it's Electric.
Look who's here, the star of the Year's hottest film, "burlesq "burlesque.
" I'm christina aguilera.
I'm cher.
reporter: Are you excited That "burlesque" is nominated For best picture and best Original song? what what no one saw it reporter: Did you two see it? it was too scary reporter: I've heard every Year one daughter of hollywood Royalty is chosen to hand out The statues.
that's right.
And this year I'm proud to say This year it's my son/daughter, Chas bono.
reporter: Chas, you must be Thrilled.
I am.
Every morning I wake up, and I Look at it.
[ laughter .]
reporter: Right.
But what about being miss golden Globe? mr.
Golden globes, yes, I'm Excited.
reporter: Did they explain to You how it's all going to work? yes.
What the doctors did was, they Took my vagina -- reporter: No, no, that's not What I meant.
Okay.
Back to you, seth.
our own vanessa bayer.
Thank you.
[ applause .]
it was announced abc is Developing a sitcom called "don't trust a bitch" which Coincidentally was the original Title for "I love lucy.
" park avenue winter, a Restaurant in manhattan, is Searching a new dessert called The volcanic flambe, which was Designed be performance artist Marina abromovic and comes with An audio recording of the artist That people must listen to while Eating the dessert.
So yeah, just the check.
[ laughter .]
a man in seattle who calls Himself phoenix jones and Dresses up in a superhero Costume had his nose broken in a Fight.
It seems his only weakness, Weakness.
it's been a cold, snowy Winter so far.
But that doesn't mean we can't Bring you a little dose of Sunshine.
Please welcome mick jagger's Favorite singing duo.
I'm so sorry.
We just got out of the Dermatologist.
we had them check everything.
Everything.
head to toe.
Our whole backs.
that's okay.
I'm just worried you forgot you Were supposed to be here again.
what? No.
we wrote some great new songs That are sure to put a smile on Everyone's faces.
great.
Let's hear it.
this one is called "winter Day flu.
" "winter day fun.
" "fun.
" wintertime because wintertime is Celebrated in jamaica in jamaica I'm going to stop you guys.
I'm going to stop you guys Because that is not a real song.
You guys knew about coming on Here a month ago.
we were in harrisburg.
it was a music-writing Conference.
all right.
Which music-writing conference Were you at? easy.
The conference for piano.
first off, I love you.
I love your sound, what you're Wearing.
I love the hair.
I love everything.
thank you very much.
Thank you.
I just wish you would come Here with a written song.
we did.
We've been worki iing with the t Famous songwriter in the world.
her name is kim.
Come on in, kim.
hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was at the podiatrist.
My arches are falling.
I don't know what's going on.
that's okay.
Welcome.
So where did you guys all meet? at the airport.
oh, boy.
no, seth, I know what you're Thinking.
But I spent a lot of time Helping them write songs.
This one is called "snow day.
" sounds good.
hey man it snowed today hey man it's falling again it's falling again [ applause .]
I just think maybe you guys Coming here was a mistake.
no.
come on.
Please.
don't -- I'll die.
please.
no, I'm not falling for it.
come on.
One more song.
no.
ten more really long ones? no.
please let us do our latest Song.
It really has music and Everything.
I don't know why, but I just Can't say no to you guys.
when you wake up With a frown Just smile Just smile garth and kath, everybody.
For "weekend update," I'm seth Meyers.
Good night.
greetings, countrymen, and Welcome to the illustrious globe Theater.
Tonight, we are proud to present William shakespeare's "taming of The shrew.
" But first, we are trying Something rather novel here at The globe.
Our actors are going to give you A glance ahead at some of our Coming attractions.
We call them previews.
previews? Julia? coming soon.
Romeo thought he had everything.
me thinks I have everything.
until he fell in love with The enemy.
I am juliet of the capulets.
the what? I've got a feeling That this eve is Going to be a good eve that this eve is going To be a good, good eve "romeo and juliet.
" It's a romance to die for.
I don't know if I care for These previews.
they give away the whole Plot.
Now, start the play! start the play! in a moment, thank you, sir.
But first, a quick reminder.
Make sure to silence your Falcon.
[ caws .]
[ laughter .]
And in case of a fire, the Emergency exits are nowhere.
So, make your peace with god.
Now enjoy "taming of the shrew.
" After one more preview.
coming soon.
Hamlet never believed in ghosts.
that's all hogwash.
until his own father came Back from the dead.
[ moaning .]
hey, watch out, hamlet! It's a ghost! shhh! keep it down.
Now, start the play! start the play already! please, please, just another Quick reminder.
Any recording of today's play is Prohibited.
And remember, refreshments are Available in the foyer.
let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby and eat some boiled duck oh, hell neigh.
can you believe this is a Small? and now, without further ado, I give you "taming of the Shrew.
" After one more preview.
coming soon.
You loved henry iv.
Well, guess what? There's a new king in town.
henry iv, I presume.
not exactly.
he's henry v.
let's burn this place down! yeah! and so they did.
And no one ever heard of Shakespeare again.
This has been "false history.
" Good night.
[ applause .]
well, you know, "fresh Prince of bel air" was a great Time, but it was my very first Acting job.
I was comfortable with doing the Funny stuff, but, you know, when We did some of the more serious Episodes, let's just say I was Still learning.
Hey, carlton, why you so late Come home? Did the glee club get beat up by Field hockey team again? [ laughter .]
no.
I don't want to talk about it, Will.
no need to get short with me.
if you must know, I'm late Because -- because mr.
Henning Touched me, okay? [ laughter .]
the script just said will Reacts.
Being new to the acting game, I Chose to react how scooby-doo Would raek to react to that News.
You know -- [ laughter .]
Looking back, I could have gone Another way with it.
oh, yes, the "aroo" moment.
I learned to be patient with Will those early years.
He hadn't been formally trained In dramatic acting as I had on The set of "silver spoons.
" [ laughter .]
you know, it was a wake-up Call for me.
You know, I knew I had to Dedicate myself to the craft.
I took extensive acting classes, Even worked with a voice and Movement coach.
But not before this scene was Filmed.
I'm sorry to disturb you, Folks, but I'm afraid I have Some bad news.
There's been a car accident.
And phillip banks has been badly Hurt.
oh, no.
I can take you boys to the Hospital.
cha-ching! [ laughter .]
you know, I wasn't sure if I Was supposed to react to the News about uncle phil or to the Attractiveness of the police Officer.
I guessed wrong.
But it was funny! I was accessing a painful Memory for that scene and crying Real tears.
Will said, "cha-ching!" But I think this next scene Really shows will's journey.
In it carlton confronts will When he finds a joint in his Room.
Will was asked to react Defensively.
And he made a very strong Choice.
will, I found this joint in Your room.
Drugs aren't the answer.
If you have a problem, I'm here To help you, okay? welcome to earth! Whoo! [ laughter .]
Yeah, you know.
That line didn't make sense in That scene so much, but we used It later in the movie "independence day," And that made $800 million.
Whoo! That's a lot of money, ain't it? "the fresh prince of bel air" 20th anniversary collection, in Stores now.
"sportscenter," espn Deportes.
[ speaking spanish .]
Espn deportes.
hola.
[ speaking spanish .]
Jeff van gundy.
[ speaking spanish .]
Stan van gundy.
[ speaking spanish .]
Jeff y stan van gundy.
Sophia? [ speaking spanish .]
Brett favre.
[ speaking spanish .]
Sexting con sheryl swoopes.
[ speaking spanish .]
Sex.
Brett favre.
[ speaking spanish .]
Bulls.
[ speaking spanish .]
Derrick rose.
[ speaking spanish .]
Randy bruer.
[ speaking spanish .]
Pop goes the weasel.
[ speaking spanish .]
New york knicks.
[ speaking spanish .]
Kevin garnett.
I'm just glad we got the win.
I thought we did a good job Controlling the tempo.
party time.
Kevin garnett.
[ speaking spanish .]
Off the chain.
[ speaking spanish .]
Kicked some ass.
[ speaking spanish .]
Do you know what I'm saying? no, I do not.
[ speaking spanish .]
A word from our sponsor.
dos equis, por favor.
no, no, no paco, tres equis.
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[ speaking spanish .]
Lebron james.
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Aaron rodgers.
[ speaking spanish .]
What you talking about, willis? [ speaking spanish .]
Alexander ovechkin.
[ speaking spanish .]
Snow pock Snowpacalypse.
[ speaking spanish .]
Mark sanchez.
[ speaking spanish .]
Getting jiggy with it! [ speaking spanish .]
Russell westbrook.
[ speaking spanish .]
No soup for you.
[ speaking spanish .]
Blooper.
[ laughter .]
blooper.
Fantastica.
[ speaking spanish .]
See ya! [ applause .]
once again, cee lo green! [ applause .]
I've been living for the Weekend but No not anymore Cause here comes that for me a feeling That fridays famous for Yeah, I'm looking for Some action and it's out there somewhere You can feel The electricity Oh in the evening air and it may just be More of the same But sometimes you wanna Go where everyone knows your name So I guess I'll have to wait and See But I'm just gonna let something brand New happen to me and it's alright It's alright It's alright It's alright it's alright Bright lights And the big city it belongs to Us tonight now Friday is cool but There's something about Saturday night You can't say what you won't do cause you know That you just might I'm alive this evening it Was love at first sight this Saturday and every Saturday for the Rest of my life and everyone's Standing in line Yeah, looking good And looking for a real good time So I'll never have To wonder if I'll have someone to Share all of this with and it's alright It's alright It's alright It's alright it's alright Bright lights And the big city it belongs to Us tonight yes I need it Everybody does Cocktails and conversation Music can Make it long and it's alright It's alright It's alright It's alright it's alright Bright lights And the big city it belongs To us tonight [ cheers and applause .]
all right, all right, gang, As you've heard, kathleen parker Is leaving the show.
So, today we're having auditions For the new cohost of "parker Spitzer.
" All right, phone time.
Let's get it started.
Aah.
first, christiane amanpour.
everyone calls me the bone Ranger.
no one calls him that.
That's something he's trying to Start.
And read the prompter in three, Two, one.
hello and welcome to "amanpour spitzer.
" Tonight, secretary of state Clinton says the Palestinian/israeli conflict can Be resolved.
that's total crap.
Nobody has clout in the middle East anymore.
I know how to negotiate.
I do.
I once convinced an escort to Accept a borders gift card.
you're the most unpleasant Man I've ever met, and I've met Saddam hussein.
it was a joke.
Come on.
really bad, eliot.
Really, really bad.
don't worry, skip.
We'll find the right fit.
I bet you 5 bucks we don't.
I'd like to take that bet, But my wife doesn't let me carry Money anymore.
moving on from bravo tv, Heidi klum.
guten tag.
perfect.
Yes.
Hired.
three, two, one.
welcome to "klum spitzer.
" that has a beautiful ring to It.
tonight we meet president Obama's new economy -- Economic council head.
Gene spurling.
you got it.
he's currently counsel to Timothy -- heidi, I'm sorry, but it Doesn't seem like you know much About politics.
so am I in or out? In or out? In or out? In? Out? In? Out? In? Out? [ laughter .]
I'm about to say something Awful, you should go.
[ laughter .]
all right.
That's it, eliot.
No one's left.
so what? I don't get a new co-host? not unless you know someone That's out of a job and can Tolerate working with you.
hello and welcome to "patterson spitzer.
" Tonight a year after the Earthquake in haiti, rubble is Still piled in the streets.
Port-au-prince is covered in so Much garbage, they might rename It new jersey.
[ laughter .]
this is my favorite person in The world.
High five.
[ laughter and applause .]
I had the best time ever! Thanks to cee lo green, paul Reubens and the cast.
Have a good night!
good evening, I'm greta von Susteren.
And welcome to a fox news Special, "embracing civility.
" In the wake of president obama's Speech on Thursday as well as an Overwhelming public outcry for Discourse, we at fox have made The decision to use rhetoric When discussing political Viewpoints, whether they be left Or right.
Or in the center.
Joining me on the panel today, The host of the "sean hannity Show," sean hannity.
Hello, sean.
hello, greta.
michelle.
wonderful to be here, greta.
also, host of "the glenn beck Show," glenn beck.
Hello, glenn.
I do not like this.
you promised you'd try it, Glenn.
fine.
It's so wonderful to be here? okay.
Let's get started.
On Monday republicans in the House will get back to their Agenda, and first up is their Health care repeal bill titled Repealing the job-killing health Care act.
Job killing? Is this an example of the heated Rhetoric we need to stay away From? yes.
Perhaps job euthanizing? I would go with job choking Or freedom raping.
they're taking our jobs and Giving them a lethal injection Of socialism that is poisoning Our economy and our freedom.
oh, yeah.
I like that.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
So we agree, let's call it the Repealing the giving our jobs a Lethal injection of our Socialism and poisoning our Economy and raping our health Care.
See, we can work together.
Joining us now to illustrate our New civility, we have invited a Friend from that other network, Cnn -- oh -- james carville.
hello, hello.
[ applause .]
let me get this straight.
Fox news is now the civil polite Network? Is that right? that's right, james.
And may I say, I look forward to A pleasant exchange of ideas.
this is never going to work.
oh, it's going to work, james Because we at fox are committed To civility.
ain't nobody here going to Lose their cool with me and call Me a bleeding-heart marxist? nope.
nope.
what was that, glenn? no.
well, if that's the case, let Me tell you about my wonderful Day.
I had a nice lunch with arianna Huffington and michael moore and My friend lucien.
He's a gay soldier.
We ate at a vegan restaurant.
That means no animals got hurt.
And that's important because Animals are really just people With fur.
Isn't that nice, sean hannity? Then we went to the hospital and Under obama care, I got a free X-ray.
I didn't need one, but since It's free, I'm going to take it.
Turns out my skeleton looks just Like me.
Ain't that funny? am I the only one here -- glenn, it's not polite to cut Someone off.
You should let people finish Their sen-ten-ces.
Okay, I'm done.
I'm not going to be baited by You, james.
I can be a fair and open-minded Person.
Just two days ago I praised Obama for his speech.
You will not make me lose my Cool.
good, glenn.
Look who's using your studio.
I'm rachel maddow.
And look what I wrote.
and the civility is over.
But live from new york, it's Saturday night! announcer: It's "Saturday Night live"! With fred armisen Abby elliott Bill hader Seth meyers Bobby moynihan Andy samberg Jason sudeikis Kenan thompson Kristen wiig featuring -- Vanessa bayer Paul brittain Taran killam Nasim pedrad Jay pharoah Musical guest cee lo green And your host, gwyneth paltrow! Ladies and gentlemen, gwyneth Paltrow! thank you! [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Wow! It is a thrill and an honor to Be back hosting "Saturday night Live.
" So much has changed since I last Hosted.
I moved to london.
So I took some time off to be British.
Which was smashing and Brilliant.
And now I am starring in a film Called "country strong.
" [ cheers and applause .]
Thank you.
I play a down-on-her-luck Country singer.
I actually recorded a song and Had the honor of performing it At "the country music awards.
" [ cheers and applause .]
I learned so much about country Music.
I studied it for months and Months.
And I've really come to love it.
All the old-school greats like Johnny cash and, um, roy -- roy Something.
Oh, the lady with the hair and The big boobs.
I know them all.
I really, really immersed myself In it.
And it became my life.
I hope I'm not interrupting Anything.
wow! Garth brooks! kenny rogers.
Kenny rogers.
kenny rogers.
yeah.
the country singer.
mm-hmm.
I knew that.
yeah.
So gwyneth, you really know your Country music, huh? does a chigger sit on a dune Bug gay? Buggy? no, it does not.
I'd be honored if you help me Sing my most famous duet.
The one I performed with dolly Parton which, of course, is? "islands in the stream.
" You know that one, right? vof course, I know "islands n The stream.
" Hit it, y'all.
real strong on the y'all.
baby when I met you there was Peace unknown I set out to get you with a Fine-tooth comb there was something going on Come on.
You know it.
you something something sitting by the river hanging Around every beat of my heart we got something going on islands in the stream not yet.
I know.
I know.
the love is right do you have the words on the Screen? I know the words, but it's kind Of old.
I need it for reference.
We had cue cards up.
Oh, wait, I know this part.
islands in the stream there we go.
that is what we are we are in the stream and it's a perfect stream it's my favorite stream because we are both in it and we rely on each other uh-huh from one lover to another uh-huh ladies and gentlemen, dolly Parton! oh, thank god.
okay.
Bye, y'all! whoa, whoa, whoa, just a Minute.
thank you.
Thank you.
Now, I don't mean to interrupt You two.
no, no, interrupt.
It's fine.
gwyneth, darling, you did Such a great job performing my Song on "glee.
" [ cheers and applause .]
I thought that it would be Cool to sing something together.
yes.
Great! "forget you"? Should we do "forget you"? no, I think we should do "islands in the stream.
" come on, gwyneth, you know The words.
oh, all right.
Hit it! islands in the stream that is what we are no one in between how can we be wrong sail away with me to another world and we rely on each other uh-huh from one lover to another uh-huh [ cheers and applause .]
the viewers have spoken, and Some of them said, we'd like to Take the all-new nbc show about The man who gets his super Powers from a magical cape.
If you like superheroes who get Their power from items of Clothing, you'll like "scarf.
" She used to think crime was a Real pain in the neck until she Discovered "the scarf.
" crime better bundle up.
only on nbc.
and the mild-mannered painter Until he was framed for murder.
Now when crime gets dirty, throw On "the smock.
" And that's not all.
When jeff nelson's dance studio Blew up in 1983, he lost Everything except "the Legwarmer.
" He's kicking crime's ass with a Warmed-up calf.
Also coming soon to nbc, "the Sleep mask.
" who's there? the bolo tie.
And "the water bottle holder.
" When crime gets thirsty, blast Some water on it.
"the scrunchy.
" It's a dude.
The television event of 2011.
my secret identity is someone Slightly fatter than this.
Nbc, take it or leave it.
[ cheers and applause .]
and now it's time to play The game the stars play, "secret Word" with your host, lyle Rounds.
hello.
I'm lyle rounds.
[ cheers and applause .]
My wife is at a bra burning Today.
She said she was just going to Watch.
When I get home, I better not Smell bra smoke.
Okay.
Why don't we meet our Celebrities.
She's better known for her work On the broadway stage, please Welcome mindy elise greyson! [ cheers and applause .]
oh, hello! Oh, I am thrilled to be seen Here by all of you.
Isn't it a dream? oh.
So mindy, you're looking lovely.
Lovely.
oh, thank you, lyle.
I painted my teeth and pulled my Neck back with scotch tape.
terrific.
All right.
Our next guest is a socialite And writes for "soiree" Magazine.
Please welcome ms.
Tomlinson.
isn't this smashing? Tonight is going to be a smash And another smash and a half.
two full smashes.
All right, ladies, are you ready To play the game? I play the most marvelous Game last night.
It's called "where's truman Capote's index finger?" We all watched truman bend over And -- it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Enough of that.
Enough of that.
Let's meet your game partner.
my game butler, perfect.
I'm dying for a cocktail.
no, he's not a butler.
He's here to play the game.
I'm so sorry.
By the way, I'm a huge fan of Nat king cole.
all righty.
We start the game.
Mindy, are you ready? don't ask an actress if she's Ready unless you want to get a Face full of here we go! okay.
Okay.
the secret word is grab.
ten seconds on the clock.
oh, I'm sorry.
Can we stop the clock? I need to disqualify myself.
I think I just saw the secret Word.
you're supposed to see it.
You're giving the clues.
oh.
climbing.
Swim.
Hair.
mindy, you're allowed to Speak.
oh, good.
Grab.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ applause .]
no, that was the incorrect Buzzer.
oh, it wasn't the correct Buzzer? no, it wasn't.
You said the secret word.
I did.
I said grab.
There are no secret words to an Actress.
I see the word and I explore it Just like I do nightly in the Hit play "becky became trashy.
" The story of a preacher's Daughter who went from spreading The good word to spreading her Bad knees.
[ laughter .]
"becky became trashy.
" Rex reed called it "what?" [ laughter .]
all right.
Now, let's move over to tipsy's Team.
oh, this is going to be a Hoot and two third of another Hoot.
let's begin.
the secret word is cream.
it's on the menu.
I've never been there.
you haven't? I believe you, but I've never Been there.
when you do, make sure you Get the cream glaze.
I just said the first word for Cream.
[ buzzer .]
you said the secret word.
your partner is a professor Of urology.
I'd like to remind my Students we're having a quiz on Aspa Asparagus tomorrow.
mback to mindy, remember, Don't say the secret word.
don't worry.
I'll be as quiet as my agent When I call her on the phone.
ten seconds on the clock.
the secret word is soup.
remember, mindy, don't say The secret word.
I'm not a child, lyle.
suit.
mindy.
I failed just like I did in a Musical that closed before the Curtain got all the way up.
Here is the 11:00 number.
Hit it.
bombay pam and the Flatbread gang Making lots of mad sit down.
Sit down.
oh.
not only has this been bee's Knees, it's been the entire bee Leg.
well, we'll be right back After a word from johnson & Johnson baby cages.
Keep your baby out of harm's way In a small cage.
hey.
excuse me.
You know what time it is? time for you to get a watch.
oh, my gosh.
I'm such a big fan.
I know you are, but what am I? hey, you've got to let me buy You a drink.
I usually just stick with Milk.
I guess just this once.
awesome.
Excuse me, bartender? Shots.
two more.
Two more! more dri more drinks more drinks tequila! tequila that was the best night of my Life, andy.
hey, look.
It's anderson cooper.
you know him? yeah.
Hey, anderson.
hey, andy, how's it going? can I ask you a question? Are you guys going to hook up? is that a joke? [ bleep .]
is there a problem, officer? you boys been drinking Tonight? I'm going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test.
When I say blow.
I had one drink.
did you see the look on his Face? hey, what are you guys doing Here? this is an intervention, Andy.
we're just trying to have Some fun.
he's not the only one with The problem, pee-wee.
Your friends are here, too.
jerry? oh, pee-wee.
you're a b-b-bad influence on Each other.
we are not.
oh, really? hey, anderson.
you hit me in the eye.
Do you know what happened if I Lost these eyes? They're a national treasure.
they are -- that would be Terrible.
you guys can't hang out Together anymore.
Why don't you take a moment to Say good-bye.
okay.
Good-bye, andy.
it was fun while it lasted.
Even though you're a bad Influence, you're a great Friend.
I know you are.
But what am I? you stole my line.
yea! drink! Shots! this is a very exciting day For my bar mitzvah boy.
Excuse me, bar mitzvah man.
Jacob.
And I believe he has something To say.
Maybe he wants to thank some People.
Come on, don't be shy.
thank you for attending Jacob's rocking bar mitzvah.
[ light laughter .]
Having you all here makes it Really top of the charts.
[ light laughter .]
that's clever.
Now, as some of you may know, Jacob's uncle aaron is a big Shot in the music biz, so we Were able to get a rocking guest To celebrate jacob's big day.
Please welcome the one and only Taylor swift! [ applause .]
hey, y'all.
hey, jacob.
Thank you so much for having me.
Y'all are awesome.
I'm a foot taller than the Tallest man here.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
I'm going to play one of my Hits, but with a bar mitzvah Twist.
he's in synagogue With his new braces on Sitting with no mirrors To put makeup on doesn't get your Mel brooks humor Like I do he wears macy's I wear lowman's He wears filene's and I wear Filene's basement can't you see He's just a j-a-p Not like japanese Thanks, y'all! [ applause .]
the lovely taylor swift.
After that performance, no one's Going to remember you fainted in Temple.
dad.
now, uh, while we have a Lull, let me say some of the Older kids are bending the Forks.
Do not bend the forks.
Kids who bend forks ought to be Locked up in the bronx zoo.
Now, if you can believe it, we Have another amazing guest, Mr.
"z," mr.
Jay-z! [ applause .]
yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Hey.
You may asking what am I doing At a bar mitzvah? Well, you know, I got a Expensive coffee table book out.
I've been appearing on Charlie rose.
It's all a part of my new image.
Less black.
Hit it.
Yeah.
while we read the torah Just to learn the word of god Straight from deuteronomy Most about astronomy libra I'm straight up with ya Ain't enough You've got to -- dirty ass shelters Don't defy yahweh Because this man's selfish yeah Ladies and gentlemen Yeah alicia keys yeah bar mitzvah This is a bar mitzvah yeah.
Mazel tov.
[ applause .]
jacob, I hope you brought Your little black book, because After this party, it's going to Be filled with ladies.
dad, I told you.
I just wanted a modest luncheon.
[ laughter .]
that's nonsense.
We've been blessed, and we Should celebrate.
You know, if he had his way, We'd go to fuddruckers and lock Himself in a room for Three hours.
What do you do in there, anyway? Okay.
The parade of stars is not over.
Let's welcome the teen dream, Katy perry.
[ applause .]
hi, everybody.
Happy jewish! One, two, three! I know a place Where the grass is always Greener That's right.
real wedding wild There must be something in The dead sea we jews Their so incredible Jews are cool too West coast reps represent oh ooh oh ooh oh Shalom, you guys! [ applause .]
all right.
Katy perry.
This was a wonderful bar Mitzvah.
I'm so proud of my son.
And I'm going to close with cee Lo -- oh, green, a member of the Tribe.
take it away, sir.
now, before I get started, Some of these older kids around Here are bending forks.
Now, what's up with this bending Forks thing? I mean, that's just Straight up mashugana you know What I'm saying? So jacob, this one is for you.
if there's one thing In the world That jacob can do And that is talk hebrew it's a million year Old language That kind of sounds like Gargling like hebrew hebrew When the moses To those precocious [ cheers and applause .]
I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love And I'm like -- whoa! Congratulations, gentlemen.
We've got a hit on our hands.
We need to get this to the radio Immediately.
we will, but there is a small Problem.
yeah, the fcc says cee lo's New song is profane, and we Can't play it on the radio Unless we change the lyrics.
what the forget are you Talking about? karen, language.
I'm sorry larry, but I'm Forgetting furious.
This is forgetting bull sugar.
karen, relax.
shut the forget up, keith.
whoa.
Whoa.
rodney, I'm in the middle of a Forgetting meeting.
Can you forgetting knock? sorry, I forgot.
well, the next time you Forgetting forget, I'll cut off Your dixie cup and forget you in The ear with it, and then you'll Never forgetting forget.
Now, what was so forgetting Important? cee lo is here.
oh, forget me in the Sasquatch.
[ laughter .]
Okay, send him in.
what's up, mother forgetters? [ laughter .]
how you doing, cee lo? feeling good, my nintendos.
that's my nintendo.
Right.
It's not cool when I say that Word.
cee lo, we have some good News and we have some bad news.
The good news is we love the Track.
The bad news is, the fcc needs You to change the lyrics.
is she forgetting kidding? I'm forgetting wish I was, you know what? Those people at the fcc Can suit my black dixie carter.
forget them, cee lo.
They're sugar heads and Sasquatch holes.
The fcc lady I talked to over There was a world-class country Strong.
karen.
sorry! Bill, I bet if we put our heads Together, we could come up with A replacement that works.
fudge? flock? fact? pussy? no.
[ laughter .]
you can't say that.
you can say it if you mean Cat.
is that what you meant? no.
[ laughter .]
okay, I've had it.
Connect me to the fcc.
It's time someone stands up to Them.
you go, karen.
forgetting "a.
" hello.
This is karen Antonelli.
I want to talk to you about a Little something called free Speech.
Because I work with an artist Who wrote a piece of art, and he Is going to perform it the way It was meant to be performed, And you can't stop him.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Right.
Sure.
Sure.
Great.
Thank you.
so what did they say? they're going to let him say "forget" on national television.
yes! ladies and gentlemen, cee lo Green! [ cheers and applause .]
I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love and I'm like Forget you I guess the change in my pocket Wasn't enough I'm like Forget you and forget her too If I was richer I'd still be With ya Ain't that some -- although There's pain in my chest I wish you the best With a forget you I'm sorry I can't afford a ferrari But that don't mean I can't get you there I guess he's an xbox And I'm more atari But the way you play your game Ain't fair I pity the fool That falls in love With you oh -- she's a gold digger Well Just thought You should know ooh Have I got news for you Yeah go run and tell Your little boyfriend I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love And I'm like forget you I guess the change In my pocket Wasn't enough I'm like forget you And forget her too I said, if I was richer I'd still be with ya ha, now ain't That some -- Ain't that some -- and although There's pain in my chest I still wish you The best with a Forget you Now I know That I had to borrow beg and steal And lie and cheat Trying to keep ya Trying to please ya 'cause being in love With you ass ain't cheap I pity the fool that falls in love With you Oh she's a gold digger Well just thought You should know Oooh have I got News for you I really hate you Right now woman I see you driving 'round town With the girl I love And I'm like forget you I guess the change In my pocket Wasn't enough forget you And forget her too if I was richer I'd still be with ya Ha, now ain't that some -- Ain't that some -- and although There's pain in my chest I still wish you The best with a forget you Baby, baby, baby Why'd you wanna wanna Hurt me so bad so bad, so bad, so bad I tried to tell my mamma But she told me "this is one for your dad" Your dad, your dad, your dad Wyoming why baby I love you I still love you driving 'round town With the girl I love Forget you woman I guess the change In my pocket Wasn't enough so Forget you Ooh [ cheers and applause .]
announcer: "weekend update With seth meyers.
" [ cheers and applause .]
good evening, I'm seth Meyers, and here are tonight's Top stories.
in a video posted on her Facebook page, sarah palin Condemned the media's coverage Of the arizona shootings by Using the phrase "blood libel," Which refers to a harsh Anti-semitic slur, and I would Be super offended if I thought She knew that.
[ laughter .]
former house majority leader Tom delay was sentenced Monday To three years in prison for his Role in a money laundering case, Plus another 18 months for This -- wild thing [ laughter .]
do not show that in prison.
verizon wireless announced Tuesday that it will start Selling the iphone in early February, offering a choice to Users of at&t.
A spokesman for at&t said Something, but I didn't catch Most of it.
[ laughter .]
under new rules released Today by the department of Agriculture, schools around the Country would have to make Drastic changes in their lunch Menus, including offering Students more fruits and Vegetables and limiting their French fries, which I think Means the french fry is about to Become the prison cigarette of Public schools.
[ laughter .]
this week, america's love Affair with guns was a hot topic Of debate, and it is a love Affair.
Don't believe me? Here's the poster for the new Movie "the mechanic.
" It's a gun made of a bunch of Other guns, and it's about a Mechanic.
And, of course, when you talk About guns, you always hear a Lot about the second amendment And the founding fathers and What they would say if they were Here today.
Well, I, for one, think if the Founding fathers were here Today, they would be super Freaked out by cars.
[ laughter .]
You can talk to them all you Want about the second amendment, And they would just yell "what Are these metal beasts doing Rolling down the thoroughfare?" And you tell them "those are Cars," and then you tried to Bring up militias, and they Would scream "how can you speak Of militias when steel dragons Shoot through the sky?" And you'd try to explain Airplanes, but even if they Could wrap their heads around That, they'd eventually ask "why Are all the slaves out?" [ laughter .]
They would think that.
Groan all you want, they would Think that.
And yes, the founding fathers Have the right to bear arms, but The guys who wrote that would Pee through all eight layers of Their pants if they saw what Guns are now.
In 1787, shooting a bullet was Slightly faster than throwing One.
[ laughter .]
If you wanted to be bulletproof In 1787, you put on a heavy Coat.
So with that in mind, I'm all About americans having the Guns slopgs as long as they're The muskets from 1787 that take Forever to load.
This is how a violent Altercation would look.
"you can't say that about my Wife.
Hold on.
You are going to get it.
I am going to show you.
Ah, he drove off.
" See? Isn't that better? [ applause .]
officials at facebook said There was no truth to a rumor That the social network would be Shutting down on March 15 so That founder mark zuckerberg Could get his old life back.
What old life? The one where he was a giant Computer nerd and didn't have Money? a new mobile phone app was Released Friday by turbotax Called "snap tax," which would Allow people to prepare their Taxes from their smartphone.
Finally, the stress and headache Of doing your taxes comes to a Much smaller screen.
[ laughter .]
farmers in south africa Reported that baboons have Discovered a new type of Tangerine, or it could be an old Type of tangerine.
Baboons aren't that good at Science.
speculation has begun about Which republicans will run for President in 2012, one Politician who has already Declared his candidacy is former New york gubernatorial candidate Jimmy mcmillan.
Here to comment from the rent is Too damn high party, jimmy Mcmillan.
[ cheers and applause .]
allow me to reintroduce Myself.
[ laughter .]
I used to represent the rent is Too damn high party because the Rent was too damn high.
And then I was defeated for Governor by the narrowest of Margins.
65-1.
I called up the new governor, Perry como, to congratulate him.
And I'll never forget what he Told me.
He said "at the tone, the time Will be 3:00 a.
M.
" yeah, that wasn't the Governor.
the people of new york spoke Loud and clear, seth.
And they said jimmy mcmillan is Too good to be governor.
He needs to be at least President.
And that is why in 3012, I am Running for president of new York.
Watch out, grover cleveland.
[ laughter .]
where to begin? I read you're planning to run For president as a republican, Is that right? that is correct.
At first, I was worried about Becoming a republican.
I mean, it's a crazy party of Crazy people, seth.
And the last thing I want is People to think that Jimmy mcmillan isn't taking this Seriously.
I'm just hoping to appeal to More mainstream republicans Without losing my political Base, novelty voters.
[ laughter .]
That is why, if elected President, I will not live in The white house because the rent Is too damn high.
I will instead live in a seventh Floor walkup in baltimore, and I Will commute to the white house Via roller skates.
[ laughter .]
do you have a platform yet? you mean like where I'll Sleep? no.
I meant a platform like a Central issue.
oh.
Yes, I do.
My platform is -- the deficit is Too damn high.
The deficit is $14 trillion, Seth, that's enough to rent a Small one-bedroom in the bronx.
[ laughter .]
With barely enough left over for Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
[ laughter .]
and what if, you know, god Forbid, you're not elected President? then guess what? I'm going back to vietnam to Finish what I started.
So keep your chin up, america.
And the best way to do a chin-up Is to grab here and here and Lift.
Be strong, america! jimmy mcmillan, everyone! [ cheers and applause .]
Jimmy mcmillan.
a town in switzerland is Warning dog owners that if they Do not pay the annual $50 tax on Dogs, their pets will be Euthanized.
Switzerland, neutral on nazis, Tough on dogs.
[ laughter .]
it was reported that Producers of "extra" are Developing "chitchat" which is a Latino version of "the view" in Case you've ever wondered what It's like to be inside a Headache.
a picture of a "playboy" Model that was hidden aboard the Apollo xii mission to the moon Will soon be auctioned off.
Well, at least I now understand That famous astronaut quote, That's one small step for man, One giant "aww, geez, buzz.
Don't do that in here.
" police in canada barged into Of home of a man after they Thought they smelled marijuana, But it was actually a skunk.
But keep looking.
The guy with the pet skunk Definitely also definitely has Weed.
tomorrow night, the golden Globe awards will be telecast.
Here to help us catch up with The nominees is our own vanessa Bayer, live at the nbc golden Globes street party.
Hi, vanessa.
reporter: Seth, it's Electric.
Look who's here, the star of the Year's hottest film, "burlesq "burlesque.
" I'm christina aguilera.
I'm cher.
reporter: Are you excited That "burlesque" is nominated For best picture and best Original song? what what no one saw it reporter: Did you two see it? it was too scary reporter: I've heard every Year one daughter of hollywood Royalty is chosen to hand out The statues.
that's right.
And this year I'm proud to say This year it's my son/daughter, Chas bono.
reporter: Chas, you must be Thrilled.
I am.
Every morning I wake up, and I Look at it.
[ laughter .]
reporter: Right.
But what about being miss golden Globe? mr.
Golden globes, yes, I'm Excited.
reporter: Did they explain to You how it's all going to work? yes.
What the doctors did was, they Took my vagina -- reporter: No, no, that's not What I meant.
Okay.
Back to you, seth.
our own vanessa bayer.
Thank you.
[ applause .]
it was announced abc is Developing a sitcom called "don't trust a bitch" which Coincidentally was the original Title for "I love lucy.
" park avenue winter, a Restaurant in manhattan, is Searching a new dessert called The volcanic flambe, which was Designed be performance artist Marina abromovic and comes with An audio recording of the artist That people must listen to while Eating the dessert.
So yeah, just the check.
[ laughter .]
a man in seattle who calls Himself phoenix jones and Dresses up in a superhero Costume had his nose broken in a Fight.
It seems his only weakness, Weakness.
it's been a cold, snowy Winter so far.
But that doesn't mean we can't Bring you a little dose of Sunshine.
Please welcome mick jagger's Favorite singing duo.
I'm so sorry.
We just got out of the Dermatologist.
we had them check everything.
Everything.
head to toe.
Our whole backs.
that's okay.
I'm just worried you forgot you Were supposed to be here again.
what? No.
we wrote some great new songs That are sure to put a smile on Everyone's faces.
great.
Let's hear it.
this one is called "winter Day flu.
" "winter day fun.
" "fun.
" wintertime because wintertime is Celebrated in jamaica in jamaica I'm going to stop you guys.
I'm going to stop you guys Because that is not a real song.
You guys knew about coming on Here a month ago.
we were in harrisburg.
it was a music-writing Conference.
all right.
Which music-writing conference Were you at? easy.
The conference for piano.
first off, I love you.
I love your sound, what you're Wearing.
I love the hair.
I love everything.
thank you very much.
Thank you.
I just wish you would come Here with a written song.
we did.
We've been worki iing with the t Famous songwriter in the world.
her name is kim.
Come on in, kim.
hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was at the podiatrist.
My arches are falling.
I don't know what's going on.
that's okay.
Welcome.
So where did you guys all meet? at the airport.
oh, boy.
no, seth, I know what you're Thinking.
But I spent a lot of time Helping them write songs.
This one is called "snow day.
" sounds good.
hey man it snowed today hey man it's falling again it's falling again [ applause .]
I just think maybe you guys Coming here was a mistake.
no.
come on.
Please.
don't -- I'll die.
please.
no, I'm not falling for it.
come on.
One more song.
no.
ten more really long ones? no.
please let us do our latest Song.
It really has music and Everything.
I don't know why, but I just Can't say no to you guys.
when you wake up With a frown Just smile Just smile garth and kath, everybody.
For "weekend update," I'm seth Meyers.
Good night.
greetings, countrymen, and Welcome to the illustrious globe Theater.
Tonight, we are proud to present William shakespeare's "taming of The shrew.
" But first, we are trying Something rather novel here at The globe.
Our actors are going to give you A glance ahead at some of our Coming attractions.
We call them previews.
previews? Julia? coming soon.
Romeo thought he had everything.
me thinks I have everything.
until he fell in love with The enemy.
I am juliet of the capulets.
the what? I've got a feeling That this eve is Going to be a good eve that this eve is going To be a good, good eve "romeo and juliet.
" It's a romance to die for.
I don't know if I care for These previews.
they give away the whole Plot.
Now, start the play! start the play! in a moment, thank you, sir.
But first, a quick reminder.
Make sure to silence your Falcon.
[ caws .]
[ laughter .]
And in case of a fire, the Emergency exits are nowhere.
So, make your peace with god.
Now enjoy "taming of the shrew.
" After one more preview.
coming soon.
Hamlet never believed in ghosts.
that's all hogwash.
until his own father came Back from the dead.
[ moaning .]
hey, watch out, hamlet! It's a ghost! shhh! keep it down.
Now, start the play! start the play already! please, please, just another Quick reminder.
Any recording of today's play is Prohibited.
And remember, refreshments are Available in the foyer.
let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby and eat some boiled duck oh, hell neigh.
can you believe this is a Small? and now, without further ado, I give you "taming of the Shrew.
" After one more preview.
coming soon.
You loved henry iv.
Well, guess what? There's a new king in town.
henry iv, I presume.
not exactly.
he's henry v.
let's burn this place down! yeah! and so they did.
And no one ever heard of Shakespeare again.
This has been "false history.
" Good night.
[ applause .]
well, you know, "fresh Prince of bel air" was a great Time, but it was my very first Acting job.
I was comfortable with doing the Funny stuff, but, you know, when We did some of the more serious Episodes, let's just say I was Still learning.
Hey, carlton, why you so late Come home? Did the glee club get beat up by Field hockey team again? [ laughter .]
no.
I don't want to talk about it, Will.
no need to get short with me.
if you must know, I'm late Because -- because mr.
Henning Touched me, okay? [ laughter .]
the script just said will Reacts.
Being new to the acting game, I Chose to react how scooby-doo Would raek to react to that News.
You know -- [ laughter .]
Looking back, I could have gone Another way with it.
oh, yes, the "aroo" moment.
I learned to be patient with Will those early years.
He hadn't been formally trained In dramatic acting as I had on The set of "silver spoons.
" [ laughter .]
you know, it was a wake-up Call for me.
You know, I knew I had to Dedicate myself to the craft.
I took extensive acting classes, Even worked with a voice and Movement coach.
But not before this scene was Filmed.
I'm sorry to disturb you, Folks, but I'm afraid I have Some bad news.
There's been a car accident.
And phillip banks has been badly Hurt.
oh, no.
I can take you boys to the Hospital.
cha-ching! [ laughter .]
you know, I wasn't sure if I Was supposed to react to the News about uncle phil or to the Attractiveness of the police Officer.
I guessed wrong.
But it was funny! I was accessing a painful Memory for that scene and crying Real tears.
Will said, "cha-ching!" But I think this next scene Really shows will's journey.
In it carlton confronts will When he finds a joint in his Room.
Will was asked to react Defensively.
And he made a very strong Choice.
will, I found this joint in Your room.
Drugs aren't the answer.
If you have a problem, I'm here To help you, okay? welcome to earth! Whoo! [ laughter .]
Yeah, you know.
That line didn't make sense in That scene so much, but we used It later in the movie "independence day," And that made $800 million.
Whoo! That's a lot of money, ain't it? "the fresh prince of bel air" 20th anniversary collection, in Stores now.
"sportscenter," espn Deportes.
[ speaking spanish .]
Espn deportes.
hola.
[ speaking spanish .]
Jeff van gundy.
[ speaking spanish .]
Stan van gundy.
[ speaking spanish .]
Jeff y stan van gundy.
Sophia? [ speaking spanish .]
Brett favre.
[ speaking spanish .]
Sexting con sheryl swoopes.
[ speaking spanish .]
Sex.
Brett favre.
[ speaking spanish .]
Bulls.
[ speaking spanish .]
Derrick rose.
[ speaking spanish .]
Randy bruer.
[ speaking spanish .]
Pop goes the weasel.
[ speaking spanish .]
New york knicks.
[ speaking spanish .]
Kevin garnett.
I'm just glad we got the win.
I thought we did a good job Controlling the tempo.
party time.
Kevin garnett.
[ speaking spanish .]
Off the chain.
[ speaking spanish .]
Kicked some ass.
[ speaking spanish .]
Do you know what I'm saying? no, I do not.
[ speaking spanish .]
A word from our sponsor.
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[ speaking spanish .]
Lebron james.
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Aaron rodgers.
[ speaking spanish .]
What you talking about, willis? [ speaking spanish .]
Alexander ovechkin.
[ speaking spanish .]
Snow pock Snowpacalypse.
[ speaking spanish .]
Mark sanchez.
[ speaking spanish .]
Getting jiggy with it! [ speaking spanish .]
Russell westbrook.
[ speaking spanish .]
No soup for you.
[ speaking spanish .]
Blooper.
[ laughter .]
blooper.
Fantastica.
[ speaking spanish .]
See ya! [ applause .]
once again, cee lo green! [ applause .]
I've been living for the Weekend but No not anymore Cause here comes that for me a feeling That fridays famous for Yeah, I'm looking for Some action and it's out there somewhere You can feel The electricity Oh in the evening air and it may just be More of the same But sometimes you wanna Go where everyone knows your name So I guess I'll have to wait and See But I'm just gonna let something brand New happen to me and it's alright It's alright It's alright It's alright it's alright Bright lights And the big city it belongs to Us tonight now Friday is cool but There's something about Saturday night You can't say what you won't do cause you know That you just might I'm alive this evening it Was love at first sight this Saturday and every Saturday for the Rest of my life and everyone's Standing in line Yeah, looking good And looking for a real good time So I'll never have To wonder if I'll have someone to Share all of this with and it's alright It's alright It's alright It's alright it's alright Bright lights And the big city it belongs to Us tonight yes I need it Everybody does Cocktails and conversation Music can Make it long and it's alright It's alright It's alright It's alright it's alright Bright lights And the big city it belongs To us tonight [ cheers and applause .]
all right, all right, gang, As you've heard, kathleen parker Is leaving the show.
So, today we're having auditions For the new cohost of "parker Spitzer.
" All right, phone time.
Let's get it started.
Aah.
first, christiane amanpour.
everyone calls me the bone Ranger.
no one calls him that.
That's something he's trying to Start.
And read the prompter in three, Two, one.
hello and welcome to "amanpour spitzer.
" Tonight, secretary of state Clinton says the Palestinian/israeli conflict can Be resolved.
that's total crap.
Nobody has clout in the middle East anymore.
I know how to negotiate.
I do.
I once convinced an escort to Accept a borders gift card.
you're the most unpleasant Man I've ever met, and I've met Saddam hussein.
it was a joke.
Come on.
really bad, eliot.
Really, really bad.
don't worry, skip.
We'll find the right fit.
I bet you 5 bucks we don't.
I'd like to take that bet, But my wife doesn't let me carry Money anymore.
moving on from bravo tv, Heidi klum.
guten tag.
perfect.
Yes.
Hired.
three, two, one.
welcome to "klum spitzer.
" that has a beautiful ring to It.
tonight we meet president Obama's new economy -- Economic council head.
Gene spurling.
you got it.
he's currently counsel to Timothy -- heidi, I'm sorry, but it Doesn't seem like you know much About politics.
so am I in or out? In or out? In or out? In? Out? In? Out? In? Out? [ laughter .]
I'm about to say something Awful, you should go.
[ laughter .]
all right.
That's it, eliot.
No one's left.
so what? I don't get a new co-host? not unless you know someone That's out of a job and can Tolerate working with you.
hello and welcome to "patterson spitzer.
" Tonight a year after the Earthquake in haiti, rubble is Still piled in the streets.
Port-au-prince is covered in so Much garbage, they might rename It new jersey.
[ laughter .]
this is my favorite person in The world.
High five.
[ laughter and applause .]
I had the best time ever! Thanks to cee lo green, paul Reubens and the cast.
Have a good night!