Saturday Night Live (1975) s39e03 Episode Script
Bruce Willis & Katy Perry
1 You ever see anything that beautiful? Besides me, I mean? Get over yourself, Kazanski.
No, come on.
[explosion.]
I think some debris hit the telescope.
Oh, my God! We're detached.
What do we do? Stay calm.
Houston? We've been hit be debris and you copy? Houston, come in.
desperately, Houston.
Somebody? Yello? [laughter.]
This is Dr.
Janet Stone.
We've become detached from the oxygen and dropping.
Please advise.
Mission control is not here right now, but can I take a message? [laughter.]
What do you mean they're not here? Well, this is awkward, but [cheers and applause.]
employee in the place.
months ago.
If you can give us international space station we may have a small chance for survival.
Okay.
Let me get a pen here.
I'm going to say that Janet from And I'm going to say this is very important.
Okay, all set.
Houston, no.
We need a plan of action to get back to earth.
might be kind of dumb.
Houston, there are no dumb ideas.
In Willy Wonka, Charlie and That is a dumb idea.
I'm at 2% oxygen.
If that's the case, why don't we make this asphyxiation an Hey, guys, I think I see someone who might know something about space.
Come on in.
Tell them what you know.
Treks," "Deep Nine Space" and "Battlegar Galaspartica.
" No, we need coordinates for the ISS.
Yes, but maybe you get him job, okay? He need money so we can move back to Ukraine where government is more stable.
running out of time.
Neither can congress.
Oh, you funny.
You are funny.
Rover pop some wheelies? Houston? Hello, Houston? Oh, my God.
If anyone can hear this transmission, we are lost in space.
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live"! Aidy Bryant Taran Killam Kate McKinnon Seth Meyers Bobby Moynihan Jay Pharoah Mike O'Brien Noel Wells Brooks Wheelan Katy Perry! Bruce Willis! Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be hosting "Saturday Night Live.
" oh, my goodness.
The last time I hosted the show If you had told me back then there were going to be six Die Hards," I would have said that seems a little too many.
A lot of change for me in the I now have three beautiful grown daughters.
[applause.]
And last year my wife and I were blessed with another baby.
My baby Mabel Rae.
And I'm so very happy to have four daughters.
Hey, Bruce.
Bobby, how you doing? Bruce, I need to say I know how bummed you are that you don't have a son.
I'm not bummed.
I just want you to know that you have been a hero to me since the first time we worked together.
When did we work together? I was the baby in "Look Who's Talking.
" It was me.
Yeah, no, it was.
I just want you to know that ever since then, I have been Bobby.
I've always loved your movies, and I know you play harmonica.
And I myself studied harmonica for many years.
Neither did I.
Would you mind? I wouldn't mind at all.
This is the greatest.
Willis? [plays harmonica very poorly.]
[plays harmonica very poorly.]
[plays harmonica very poorly.]
We have a great show tonight.
Katy Perry's here.
Stick around.
[cheers and applause.]
Are you exhausted? Feeling overwhelmed? Sure, everyone could use a little extra energy, but you you're dating an actress.
You're just jealous Mama! Introducing 24-hour Energy for dating actresses because for her all the world's a stage.
I guess mother was right about me.
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the call back.
[bleep.]
my life! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Or that she did get the call back.
They want to see me on Monday! Yes! Yes! Now you'll have the energy you need to tell her she was Other blinds are too flimsy.
blinds.
Or hang out with her actor tunes in your face.
Or even see her latest Off- Broadway performance.
I'm scared.
Funny, you don't look scared.
[laughter.]
Go ahead, date that actress.
You can handle it.
Bravo! Yes, yes.
And the award goes to you, Morgan.
And now for women, 24-hour Energy for dating comedians.
Hey, anybody need a stool Today's the big day, gentlemen.
I hope you got your sleep.
The raid on Al Jafar's compound Takes place in 3:00 hours.
Hernandez? All right, approach the left flank, establish a perimeter, Montrose.
I head to the main power grid, I get the signal, I cut the juice.
Zarnicky.
I walk up to the front door and kick it in.
Bad guys look at me, I smile, and I say, "anybody order a pizza?" [laughter.]
They reach for their guns, I'm faster.
Pop, pop, pop.
Dead just like that.
But there's a fourth guy, I didn't see.
He's standing behind me.
He tells me to drop the gun.
I do.
up, surprise, I have a knife on Kick him in the throat.
Falls to the ground.
I turn and say to myself "Where are you hiding Jafar?" Close.
Your job is to wait in the van and make sure communications don't go down.
[laughter.]
I'm on extraction.
Two apaches three clicks out.
Night vision goggles on.
We stay quiet.
Wrong.
Zarnicky? I go in loud, I let them know I'm there.
I yell, "the game is up Al Jafar!" You're like a pebble in my shoe.
But in order to find me you'll Uh-oh, is the bodyguard big? Montrose.
Don't encourage him.
He's coming towards me.
He sees something on the floor.
I got a knife.
The end of my boot.
And I kick him in the throat.
You just happened to see something on the floor? It doesn't matter.
No, you're not.
You're in the van making sure I'm running the grab team.
Intelligence put him in the it was booby-trapped, kaboom.
I drop to the ground and cradle your head in my hands.
My head? Then I look at you and I say, don't you dare die on me.
breath, you say, you were always my hero.
Yeah, I would not say that.
[laughter.]
I look to the heavens and I scream Jafar.
say, we met again.
Again? Have you met before? He opens his shirt, bomb strapped to his chest.
together.
I smirk, of course.
But I have other plans.
Because, surprise, you have a knife.
You have a knife in your [laughter.]
Kick my boot across the room, the knife goes into his neck but not before it hits the detonator.
I don't have that much time.
I forget my keys.
The bomb goes off and I fall to my certain death.
driving by.
Afghanistan? an ugly one.
I give her a devilish grin ex-husband.
Fade to black.
black? You want to see what I mean, you'll all follow me or stay here with this guy and play it by the books.
S.
E.
A.
L.
S.
I do want to see that Ferrari.
[cheers and applause.]
Did you see that game last night? Did you see that boy Ellsbury steal that base last night? Ain't nobody fast as Lou Brock.
Whoo! Lou Brock could get a pork chop past a coyote.
I saw it happen.
It was 1964.
Pork chop day at the ballpark.
A coyote ran out on the field and Lou Brock didn't let that coyote get one lick.
Let me tell you something.
He can't run like Ricky, though.
I once saw Ricky Henderson leave first base go up in the down and slide into third.
I mean, pitcher didn't even get the ball out his glove.
How about Wade Boggs? He's pretty good.
What was that? I saw him play one time.
I was, like, are you going to go 1 for 4 tonight? And he did.
[laughter.]
All right.
That's real good, Terry.
Hey, is he okay? He's fine.
He might not be the best storyteller in the world, but he head of hair.
Yeah, Terry just transferred town, all right? My old lady wanted to get a here.
You know who was a ladies' man.
Who is? Darryl Dawkins.
I know Darryl Dawkins.
Look here, look here, look here.
I met Darryl Dawkins outside an Isley Brothers concert, right? It was Ramadan, right? day.
And Darryl Dawkins gave me a grilled cheese sandwich.
Come on now! Man, that boy had a fro so high, a bird could fly into it and come out two weeks later eggs.
A dozen eggs! What's that, Terry? Robin eggs comes out of a [laughter.]
That's a good question, Terry.
Stranger than fiction, right? Me and my girl, you know, we bird watch sometimes.
We get out there, I saw a bird looking at me one time.
He looked me right in the eye.
Weird.
[laughter.]
Terry, I seen your woman, though.
She's fine.
You want to talk fine? You better start with miss Pam Grier.
Miss Foxy Brown.
Man, I saw a movie starring Pam Grier in 1973 called The theater got so hot, steam covered up the whole screen.
Nobody could see a thing.
[laughter.]
Man, I dated Pam Grier.
Hand to Jesus.
seasick.
for smuggling out pumpkins.
You know who's really pretty in a smart way? Helen Hunt.
Not a bad actress either.
I met her.
That's all right, Helen.
I'm just saying, we're telling the stories.
True story.
You know, boys, I'm going to get out of here early today.
Me and my girl are going to see a concert.
I'll see you tomorrow.
That's cool.
Sheryl Crow.
sheryl crow.
That's my son.
Looks just like Lenny Kravitz.
He does.
[cheering and jeering.]
Hi, boys.
Okay, we're going out.
Are you sure you don't want to come dancing with us? No.
Honey, this is an important game.
All right.
Go, red team.
Wrong team.
Bye.
Love you, sweetie.
All right, have fun.
I need to get out of the man cave.
On the floor Here's some info That may come as a surprise Sometimes we like to dance It's a boy dance party it's a boy dance party Not homoerotic Just a couple brothers unity Stress away without We don't dance good but that's just part of our charm So bring your taters And the chicken wings Huh It's a boy dance party It's a boy dance party it's a boy dance party boy dance party In the olden days The ladies stayed at home while the men went to work But now it's time For the ladies to get out so the men can twerk So grab a beer Throw your remote and smoke If you see a girl nearby then stop Almost forgot my phone.
Can you imagine? Earth to Gwen.
[laughter.]
Anyway, sorry for interrupting macho time.
See you later, you studs.
It's a boy dance party it's a boy dance party It's a boy dance party We're about to break it down boy jam style.
Fellas spread 'em Shoulder width then flex your back ah yeah Put your hands Up in the air Shake that shake shake shake that sack Shake that It's a boy dance party no girls allowed Boy dance party Boys like dancing, too! Boy dance party [cheers and applause.]
Who won? We did.
[screams.]
Perry.
[cheers and applause.]
And hold my breath and make a mess So I sat quietly Agreed politely I had a choice I let you push me past The breaking point so I fell for everything You held me down But I got up already brushing off the dust you hear my voice You hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground you held me down Get ready cause I've had enough I seen it all I see it now I got the eye of the tiger a fighter dancing through the fire And you're gonna hear me roar louder louder than a lion cause I am a champion Gonna hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar like a butterfly Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes I went from zero But I got up you hear my voice You hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground I've had enough I see it all I see it now a fighter Cause I am a champion And you're gonna hear me roar louder louder than a lion cause I am a champion And you're gonna Hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You'll hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh you're gonna hear me roar roar-or roar-or I got the eye of the tiger a fighter Cause I am a champion And you're gonna hear me roar louder louder than a lion cause I am a champion Hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You'll hear me roar you're gonna hear me roar ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update" [cheers and applause.]
Hey there, I'm Seth Meyers.
And I'm Cecily Strong.
stories.
press conferences, this week the shutdown remains in effect.
[laughter.]
6,000 medals honoring Pope Francis after it was discovered that Jesus had been misspelled.
Kanye West received a shipment of medals with Yezuz misspelled.
After 16-year-old Malala who the Taliban tried to kill for promoting education for girls was not given the Nobel peace prize this week, the Taliban news.
Taliban is also pretty catty.
Insiders saying that Prince Harry may soon propose to his been using his daily prayer to admonish members of congress.
Here is Chaplain Barry Black.
Lord, give us strength and bunch of blubbering knuckleheads who go on television and spout Until you want to smack them across the face with bag full of quarters.
Ooh, now that's change I can believe in.
This we humbly ask in your blessed name.
Amen.
Do you think your prayers have I hope so.
progress being made yesterday when Republicans and congress met face to face with those in the White House.
So I'm optimistic.
Yes, that was definitely progress.
But yesterday senator Ted Cruz proposed to fight even harder to keep the government shut down.
Really? Let us pray.
something that makes people want to pin them on the floor, shove a sweaty sock in their mouth and whoop them up and down with a pillowcase full of skittles.
Make them taste the rainbow.
May they find themselves in a restroom stall devoid of toilet paper.
With nothing to use but a wallet.
A receipt for a small purchase that they then must tear into blotting their behinds, grant them grace to realize that they are destroying this great nation.
This we humbly ask in your I have to say, I can see Oh, Seth, it's not my job to judge.
Only to minister to those who need it.
I'm still optimistic.
already drafted in the senate Well, I doubt it makes everyone happy.
No, I don't think so.
But the half supports it.
But the president supports it.
Not yet.
Let us pray.
Lord, send a flood to Washington and just drown everybody.
Or at least allow your cleansing waters to carry them to a place far, far away.
Let them float down the Potomac desperately grabbing at And Lord, if it's not too much my hand and pull it back real quick and run it through my hair not want to be them.
Thank you so much for your Absolutely.
Like you said earlier, maybe I can come every week.
I'm not sure about that.
everyone.
A dog in Georgia named Norman has set a new record for being the fastest dog ever on a scooter clocking in at a record time of anything.
A federal judge ruled this week that a former intern for a Chinese language broadcasting company cannot sue the company for sexual harassment because unpaid interns are not technically employees so Mama's going to be dropping a lot of pencils.
[laughter.]
The U.
S.
Postal Service has announced that it is destroying an entire run of activity-oriented stamps after they were criticized for depicting unsafe activities such as skateboarding without pads.
Guys, what were you thinking? You know kids will do anything they see on a stamp.
After a physicist harshly criticized the hit movie "Gravity" saying that it contained a number of inaccuracies.
For example, there's no way George Clooney would spend that much time talking to a woman his own age.
[laughter.]
Bruce and Kris Jenner confirmed this week that after 22 years of marriage they're getting divorced.
that makes perfect sense.
Bruce and Kris Jenner getting divorced.
No word yet on who gets to keep the haircut.
confirmed this week that they have decided to start looking Bruce and Kris Jenner confirm this week that they're getting divorced.
"it's sad, but I'm excited to It was confirmed this week masks are getting a divorce.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Florida police arrested a man who was caught in a McDonald's drive-through wearing He's been charged with one count of 'Lovin' It.
" [laughter.]
Tide has created a new self-cleaning shirt that infuses soap into the ink in the logo which is released when it gets You lazy piece of garbage.
[laughter.]
A new set of army soldiers from getting tattoos below the elbow or knee.
This news has many soldiers rushing out to get these tattoos before the looming cutoff date.
Brooks Wheelan.
[cheers and applause.]
Good to see you.
everyone out there rushing to get tattoos to please stop and think about it for a minute.
Trust me.
I've made some poor decisions in I've been fired over I've locked myself in my own car trunk.
But none of those mistakes even come remotely close to this mistake.
The Anthony Kiedis tribal stamp.
forever.
Those lyrics will never grow tiresome.
How's that one song go you love so much? only tattoo, that's not bad.
After that, I picked up a nautical star.
I have to ask, what is the Interesting you should ask, I'm not into sailing and I don't I shouldn't be trusted with my own thoughts.
You would think I'd learn a lesson from these two things.
But you'd be wrong.
Because immediately after these boy on my side.
It might make a little bit of sense had I not grown up in Having never once seen an ocean before.
I just walked into a tattoo guy.
Busch Light can floating down.
But no, it's an ocean.
And there's a whale on the bottom of it.
Oh, high school Brooks, you're It's gonna be great being uncomfortable in public pools for the rest of your life.
How did you even come up with that design on your side? grade.
Were you an art student? No, not at all.
sketch book than my human body.
I like it.
Don't say that.
I'm saying put some thought into your tattoos, Don't just get one to get one.
Make sure it has some meaning.
Will you get one more tatoo? The lady from Avatar.
The blue Na'vi? No, Sigourney Weaver.
In an interview this week her husband have sex multiple times a day.
Her husband confirmed the story Dutch police have begun using rats to detect drugs and So next time you smoke weed in paranoid about the A school in Long Island, New York, has banned all footballs, baseballs and other sports students would get hurt during recess, which is pretty much par for the course over at the oh, weak children.
"Weekend Update, I'm Seth I'm Cecily Strong.
All right, ladies play time We've got a giant space rock bearing down on earth.
A half mile wide.
It's a global killer.
The only thing between that asteroid and the end of planet earth is us.
I say we blast this sucker and go home heroes.
Yeah, well if we pull this Vegas, whole week, emperor's Nice.
I'm going to have the president take care of all my old parking tickets.
bedroom of the White House.
I'd like to see them tell me no.
I'm going to see my daughter, much I love her.
What about you, Kirby? I'm going to kiss my little kitty cat.
[laughter.]
What the hell did you just say? I'm going to kiss my little I'm going to kiss him on his I'm going to give him butterfly kisses like this.
[laughter.]
So that way he knows his Papa loves him.
All right.
before we hit zero barrier.
Let's run it down one more time.
When we touch down, you fire up the Armadillo.
Hoo-rah.
Stone Dog, you prep the drill bit.
You got it boss.
Chance, you get those hydraulics online.
Kirby, I'm counting on you to I miss my little kitty cat.
[laughter.]
Sometimes when I come home, he's him up in the air like a little Lion King.
I love my kitty cat [applause.]
Who the hell is this guy? happens to be the best drill He's also banging my daughter.
And sometimes my kitty cat will make a little piddle in the kitchen and I have to say, no! Bad kitty.
Piddle in the box like a gentlemen.
Then I feel bad for yelling at him.
Prepare for landing.
Everybody hold on! That was a rough one.
Everybody okay? Yeah.
I miss my little kitty cat.
Dog, give me the stats.
We overshot the landing site chief, we landed on a damn iron Boss, there's no way we can get that drill through that rock.
We're toast.
One of us has to go out there That means someone ain't coming home.
It should be Kirby.
Kirby right there.
[laughter.]
No, no, I'll do it.
Kirby tell my little girl I love her.
You can tell her yourself because I already got someone on What the hell did you do? Kirby! Please tell me you did not give the nuke to the cat! Guilty.
knows how to get into little in the tube.
And the only reason I knew he If anyone can do the job -- [explosion.]
He exploded! There's a rip in his suit.
the outside.
No! His teeth are everywhere.
I hate this! I hate it so much! Oh, wait.
Give Papa a little kiss before you save the planet.
This is a fantastic launch party.
Thanks, man.
I really think this will be big.
Centauri Vodka is a damn good vodka.
I am the Centauri Vodka centaur.
Would you like a Centauri shot? Well, thank you.
A taste of fantasy for the warrior in all of us.
Wow.
He's fantastic.
Yeah, nice touch, Rich.
It adds to the ambience, right? Let me introduce you to some of the investors.
second? I've got a lot of VIPs to deal with.
Randy the guy playing my back legs, I'm worried about him.
He has no air holes back there.
He's an actor.
Can you please just check on him, please? I'm telling you, Randy is [gasping.]
See? He loves it.
Randy loves being an actor.
He had a head cold while they were shaving my chest.
Just concentrate on being a centaur and serving free vodka.
Vin Diesel so he can stop staring at that wall.
Sure, thanks.
Centauri Vodka, the taste of -- hang on, Randy.
A taste of the fantasy for the warrior in us all.
Is your butt screaming? A little.
What? Doug, you've got to stop with the Randy stuff.
Okay? He's all good.
Everybody, I would like to make a quick announcement.
Okay? I just wanted to thank you for coming here tonight.
By coming here tonight you showed me that -- [laughter.]
Come on.
Centauri Vodka.
Bruce Jenner is horrified! And when I got back to my 200 roses.
So I said, "Fine.
Aw, Mom.
Being a florist, I'm just glad that she said yes.
I know how hard it can be to get back into the dating scene after Well, it's just nice to see Mom smiling again.
Well, we should get going Mama! Mama, I need you to get more propane, I'm gonna grill.
He's taking me out to dinner.
Very nice to meet you, Eddie.
I actually have a chun -- children of my -- Wait, what did you say? I have a son, a child.
You said chun.
No, I said chun, just got a little tongue tied.
A mixture of child and son.
Why should I let you go out with my mom if you can't even say children.
You're spitting right in my mouth, Eddie.
Phipps! Oh, man.
I got you so good.
Oh, Mama, he wanted to make a good impression so bad first word out of his mouth, chun! And you got me, Eddie.
You got me.
Maybe we should all go out for dinner.
I like that.
That sounds good to me.
Mr.
Phipps maybe you should take think outside the chun.
I'm messing with you! He got me again.
You mean I'm chun.
I'm sorry, Mama.
I'm just having a little fun.
Having a little chun.
Oh, I missed one.
You're starting to upset your mother.
Dad left because of you.
He said so specifically in his Oh, yeah? Well, guess what, baby sis, I don't care what you say because I got a new papa, right, Mr.
Phipps.
much fun together.
We can watch movies like "Top or maybe Forrest Gump.
Mr.
Phipps, question for you.
Is your favorite band chun Please stop.
your mother, Eddie.
Oh, man, I'm just messing with you.
Hey, Mama, do you remember when we were in church and I soiled my chundewear? No, I'm mistaken, I didn't do Because I soiled my underwear, you moron.
Listen to me, you punk.
But you know what you need a little discipline.
Just been so hard since my papa left.
you look like you would take care of me if I was trapped inside a Japanese office building.
Broad shoulders, a strong jaw.
You're so strong, take care of me.
Your chin looks like it was My chin disappears into my neck.
It looks like an accordion.
But I just wanted to impress You know what would impress me, Eddie, if you would just settle down.
Kid? Yeah, thirty-chun.
Let's go to dinner.
Good talking to you, Papa.
Thank you.
I need boundaries.
[cheers and applause.]
big party house.
Yeah, let's check it out.
Welcome to Sigma.
How about some beer pong? Yeah, sure.
Just so you know, we play So you get pretty intense.
Better call mom and daddy to make sure it's okay.
Ha ha.
All right.
So basic rules, you sink it in the cup, drink once.
Bounce it, drink twice.
Three in a row, you're on fire, call the cup and knock it down it's whistles.
Sink it in the same cup, and you get the balls back.
What's whistles? Can you guys whistle? Yeah.
you have to whistle a song.
Just a chance for us to learn what makes you a very special and unique person inside of you.
song to whistle? We'll whistle it for you.
Okay, I guess.
All right, just a few more rules.
swat it and bounce it back, and it lands inside one of your cups, you have to design your ideal rollier coaster.
Grab some markers or some colored pencils and just start drawing.
[laughter.]
Disregard the laws of physics wildest dreams.
If we like it enough we put it up on the wall.
All right, listen to this.
The ball goes around the rim and goes in, pen pals.
Possibly forming friendships My pen pal is from Australia.
If you throw it in, you get to choose a lizard.
Put on your pinstripes and step up to the plate because we're putting you in a custom And you get to choose your own stats.
That's just something fun that we do whenever we want to.
drinking in the game.
We can chug.
You can become the conductor Science project.
Show them.
but I wanted you to see it.
Can we just start the game? We don't know how to play.
You just told us the rules.
Yeah, me either.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm walking on air tonight, tonight, tonight I'm walking on air You're giving me sweet Sweet ecstasy yeah you take me to utopia You reading me Like erotica boy you make me feel Just when I think than ever before We go higher and higher I feel like I'm already there I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight This is pure paradise of our love Yes we make angels cry Reigning down on earth from up above Just when I think I can't take anymore we go deeper and harder than ever before We go higher and higher I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight, tonight, tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air heaven is jealous of our love, oh yeah Angels are crying From up above, oh yeah tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air Tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight, tonight, tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air I'm walking on air [cheers and applause.]
Like a lot of people, I love to smoke.
But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it.
So that's why I now use e-Meth, it's crystal meth, but electronic.
smoke.
That means I can ride the ice pony anywhere I want.
Smoking is a social thing for me.
know what to do with my hands.
But now I do know what to do Smoke meth.
[coughs.]
It's good.
Thanks to e-Meth.
Now I don't need to leave the Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere.
At the office.
At the grocery store.
In a bathtub in the middle of the road.
Or face down in a big old tire.
e-Meth is healthier because it doesn't contain anti-freeze.
But it still has that great meth taste.
E-Meth lets me get totally gacked up whoop-chicken without yellowing my teeth.
Perfectly white.
What? Hello? Thanks to e-Meth, I can even smoke Inside my favorite smoke meth in here.
It's okay, it's electronic.
I don't care, you're in my living room and you're naked.
[laughter.]
e-Meth is not for everyone.
Talk to your doctor if you experience body rot, face melt, painful death or fatigue.
it's blue, bitch.
[cheers and applause.]
cast and crew.
Thank you so much.
Careful going home.
Walking home.
No, come on.
[explosion.]
I think some debris hit the telescope.
Oh, my God! We're detached.
What do we do? Stay calm.
Houston? We've been hit be debris and you copy? Houston, come in.
desperately, Houston.
Somebody? Yello? [laughter.]
This is Dr.
Janet Stone.
We've become detached from the oxygen and dropping.
Please advise.
Mission control is not here right now, but can I take a message? [laughter.]
What do you mean they're not here? Well, this is awkward, but [cheers and applause.]
employee in the place.
months ago.
If you can give us international space station we may have a small chance for survival.
Okay.
Let me get a pen here.
I'm going to say that Janet from And I'm going to say this is very important.
Okay, all set.
Houston, no.
We need a plan of action to get back to earth.
might be kind of dumb.
Houston, there are no dumb ideas.
In Willy Wonka, Charlie and That is a dumb idea.
I'm at 2% oxygen.
If that's the case, why don't we make this asphyxiation an Hey, guys, I think I see someone who might know something about space.
Come on in.
Tell them what you know.
Treks," "Deep Nine Space" and "Battlegar Galaspartica.
" No, we need coordinates for the ISS.
Yes, but maybe you get him job, okay? He need money so we can move back to Ukraine where government is more stable.
running out of time.
Neither can congress.
Oh, you funny.
You are funny.
Rover pop some wheelies? Houston? Hello, Houston? Oh, my God.
If anyone can hear this transmission, we are lost in space.
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live"! Aidy Bryant Taran Killam Kate McKinnon Seth Meyers Bobby Moynihan Jay Pharoah Mike O'Brien Noel Wells Brooks Wheelan Katy Perry! Bruce Willis! Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be hosting "Saturday Night Live.
" oh, my goodness.
The last time I hosted the show If you had told me back then there were going to be six Die Hards," I would have said that seems a little too many.
A lot of change for me in the I now have three beautiful grown daughters.
[applause.]
And last year my wife and I were blessed with another baby.
My baby Mabel Rae.
And I'm so very happy to have four daughters.
Hey, Bruce.
Bobby, how you doing? Bruce, I need to say I know how bummed you are that you don't have a son.
I'm not bummed.
I just want you to know that you have been a hero to me since the first time we worked together.
When did we work together? I was the baby in "Look Who's Talking.
" It was me.
Yeah, no, it was.
I just want you to know that ever since then, I have been Bobby.
I've always loved your movies, and I know you play harmonica.
And I myself studied harmonica for many years.
Neither did I.
Would you mind? I wouldn't mind at all.
This is the greatest.
Willis? [plays harmonica very poorly.]
[plays harmonica very poorly.]
[plays harmonica very poorly.]
We have a great show tonight.
Katy Perry's here.
Stick around.
[cheers and applause.]
Are you exhausted? Feeling overwhelmed? Sure, everyone could use a little extra energy, but you you're dating an actress.
You're just jealous Mama! Introducing 24-hour Energy for dating actresses because for her all the world's a stage.
I guess mother was right about me.
Whether she's trying out a I'm a German woman.
I'm a German woman.
I am a German woman.
the call back.
[bleep.]
my life! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Or that she did get the call back.
They want to see me on Monday! Yes! Yes! Now you'll have the energy you need to tell her she was Other blinds are too flimsy.
blinds.
Or hang out with her actor tunes in your face.
Or even see her latest Off- Broadway performance.
I'm scared.
Funny, you don't look scared.
[laughter.]
Go ahead, date that actress.
You can handle it.
Bravo! Yes, yes.
And the award goes to you, Morgan.
And now for women, 24-hour Energy for dating comedians.
Hey, anybody need a stool Today's the big day, gentlemen.
I hope you got your sleep.
The raid on Al Jafar's compound Takes place in 3:00 hours.
Hernandez? All right, approach the left flank, establish a perimeter, Montrose.
I head to the main power grid, I get the signal, I cut the juice.
Zarnicky.
I walk up to the front door and kick it in.
Bad guys look at me, I smile, and I say, "anybody order a pizza?" [laughter.]
They reach for their guns, I'm faster.
Pop, pop, pop.
Dead just like that.
But there's a fourth guy, I didn't see.
He's standing behind me.
He tells me to drop the gun.
I do.
up, surprise, I have a knife on Kick him in the throat.
Falls to the ground.
I turn and say to myself "Where are you hiding Jafar?" Close.
Your job is to wait in the van and make sure communications don't go down.
[laughter.]
I'm on extraction.
Two apaches three clicks out.
Night vision goggles on.
We stay quiet.
Wrong.
Zarnicky? I go in loud, I let them know I'm there.
I yell, "the game is up Al Jafar!" You're like a pebble in my shoe.
But in order to find me you'll Uh-oh, is the bodyguard big? Montrose.
Don't encourage him.
He's coming towards me.
He sees something on the floor.
I got a knife.
The end of my boot.
And I kick him in the throat.
You just happened to see something on the floor? It doesn't matter.
No, you're not.
You're in the van making sure I'm running the grab team.
Intelligence put him in the it was booby-trapped, kaboom.
I drop to the ground and cradle your head in my hands.
My head? Then I look at you and I say, don't you dare die on me.
breath, you say, you were always my hero.
Yeah, I would not say that.
[laughter.]
I look to the heavens and I scream Jafar.
say, we met again.
Again? Have you met before? He opens his shirt, bomb strapped to his chest.
together.
I smirk, of course.
But I have other plans.
Because, surprise, you have a knife.
You have a knife in your [laughter.]
Kick my boot across the room, the knife goes into his neck but not before it hits the detonator.
I don't have that much time.
I forget my keys.
The bomb goes off and I fall to my certain death.
driving by.
Afghanistan? an ugly one.
I give her a devilish grin ex-husband.
Fade to black.
black? You want to see what I mean, you'll all follow me or stay here with this guy and play it by the books.
S.
E.
A.
L.
S.
I do want to see that Ferrari.
[cheers and applause.]
Did you see that game last night? Did you see that boy Ellsbury steal that base last night? Ain't nobody fast as Lou Brock.
Whoo! Lou Brock could get a pork chop past a coyote.
I saw it happen.
It was 1964.
Pork chop day at the ballpark.
A coyote ran out on the field and Lou Brock didn't let that coyote get one lick.
Let me tell you something.
He can't run like Ricky, though.
I once saw Ricky Henderson leave first base go up in the down and slide into third.
I mean, pitcher didn't even get the ball out his glove.
How about Wade Boggs? He's pretty good.
What was that? I saw him play one time.
I was, like, are you going to go 1 for 4 tonight? And he did.
[laughter.]
All right.
That's real good, Terry.
Hey, is he okay? He's fine.
He might not be the best storyteller in the world, but he head of hair.
Yeah, Terry just transferred town, all right? My old lady wanted to get a here.
You know who was a ladies' man.
Who is? Darryl Dawkins.
I know Darryl Dawkins.
Look here, look here, look here.
I met Darryl Dawkins outside an Isley Brothers concert, right? It was Ramadan, right? day.
And Darryl Dawkins gave me a grilled cheese sandwich.
Come on now! Man, that boy had a fro so high, a bird could fly into it and come out two weeks later eggs.
A dozen eggs! What's that, Terry? Robin eggs comes out of a [laughter.]
That's a good question, Terry.
Stranger than fiction, right? Me and my girl, you know, we bird watch sometimes.
We get out there, I saw a bird looking at me one time.
He looked me right in the eye.
Weird.
[laughter.]
Terry, I seen your woman, though.
She's fine.
You want to talk fine? You better start with miss Pam Grier.
Miss Foxy Brown.
Man, I saw a movie starring Pam Grier in 1973 called The theater got so hot, steam covered up the whole screen.
Nobody could see a thing.
[laughter.]
Man, I dated Pam Grier.
Hand to Jesus.
seasick.
for smuggling out pumpkins.
You know who's really pretty in a smart way? Helen Hunt.
Not a bad actress either.
I met her.
That's all right, Helen.
I'm just saying, we're telling the stories.
True story.
You know, boys, I'm going to get out of here early today.
Me and my girl are going to see a concert.
I'll see you tomorrow.
That's cool.
Sheryl Crow.
sheryl crow.
That's my son.
Looks just like Lenny Kravitz.
He does.
[cheering and jeering.]
Hi, boys.
Okay, we're going out.
Are you sure you don't want to come dancing with us? No.
Honey, this is an important game.
All right.
Go, red team.
Wrong team.
Bye.
Love you, sweetie.
All right, have fun.
I need to get out of the man cave.
On the floor Here's some info That may come as a surprise Sometimes we like to dance It's a boy dance party it's a boy dance party Not homoerotic Just a couple brothers unity Stress away without We don't dance good but that's just part of our charm So bring your taters And the chicken wings Huh It's a boy dance party It's a boy dance party it's a boy dance party boy dance party In the olden days The ladies stayed at home while the men went to work But now it's time For the ladies to get out so the men can twerk So grab a beer Throw your remote and smoke If you see a girl nearby then stop Almost forgot my phone.
Can you imagine? Earth to Gwen.
[laughter.]
Anyway, sorry for interrupting macho time.
See you later, you studs.
It's a boy dance party it's a boy dance party It's a boy dance party We're about to break it down boy jam style.
Fellas spread 'em Shoulder width then flex your back ah yeah Put your hands Up in the air Shake that shake shake shake that sack Shake that It's a boy dance party no girls allowed Boy dance party Boys like dancing, too! Boy dance party [cheers and applause.]
Who won? We did.
[screams.]
Perry.
[cheers and applause.]
And hold my breath and make a mess So I sat quietly Agreed politely I had a choice I let you push me past The breaking point so I fell for everything You held me down But I got up already brushing off the dust you hear my voice You hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground you held me down Get ready cause I've had enough I seen it all I see it now I got the eye of the tiger a fighter dancing through the fire And you're gonna hear me roar louder louder than a lion cause I am a champion Gonna hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar like a butterfly Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes I went from zero But I got up you hear my voice You hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground I've had enough I see it all I see it now a fighter Cause I am a champion And you're gonna hear me roar louder louder than a lion cause I am a champion And you're gonna Hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You'll hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh you're gonna hear me roar roar-or roar-or I got the eye of the tiger a fighter Cause I am a champion And you're gonna hear me roar louder louder than a lion cause I am a champion Hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You'll hear me roar you're gonna hear me roar ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update" [cheers and applause.]
Hey there, I'm Seth Meyers.
And I'm Cecily Strong.
stories.
press conferences, this week the shutdown remains in effect.
[laughter.]
6,000 medals honoring Pope Francis after it was discovered that Jesus had been misspelled.
Kanye West received a shipment of medals with Yezuz misspelled.
After 16-year-old Malala who the Taliban tried to kill for promoting education for girls was not given the Nobel peace prize this week, the Taliban news.
Taliban is also pretty catty.
Insiders saying that Prince Harry may soon propose to his been using his daily prayer to admonish members of congress.
Here is Chaplain Barry Black.
Lord, give us strength and bunch of blubbering knuckleheads who go on television and spout Until you want to smack them across the face with bag full of quarters.
Ooh, now that's change I can believe in.
This we humbly ask in your blessed name.
Amen.
Do you think your prayers have I hope so.
progress being made yesterday when Republicans and congress met face to face with those in the White House.
So I'm optimistic.
Yes, that was definitely progress.
But yesterday senator Ted Cruz proposed to fight even harder to keep the government shut down.
Really? Let us pray.
something that makes people want to pin them on the floor, shove a sweaty sock in their mouth and whoop them up and down with a pillowcase full of skittles.
Make them taste the rainbow.
May they find themselves in a restroom stall devoid of toilet paper.
With nothing to use but a wallet.
A receipt for a small purchase that they then must tear into blotting their behinds, grant them grace to realize that they are destroying this great nation.
This we humbly ask in your I have to say, I can see Oh, Seth, it's not my job to judge.
Only to minister to those who need it.
I'm still optimistic.
already drafted in the senate Well, I doubt it makes everyone happy.
No, I don't think so.
But the half supports it.
But the president supports it.
Not yet.
Let us pray.
Lord, send a flood to Washington and just drown everybody.
Or at least allow your cleansing waters to carry them to a place far, far away.
Let them float down the Potomac desperately grabbing at And Lord, if it's not too much my hand and pull it back real quick and run it through my hair not want to be them.
Thank you so much for your Absolutely.
Like you said earlier, maybe I can come every week.
I'm not sure about that.
everyone.
A dog in Georgia named Norman has set a new record for being the fastest dog ever on a scooter clocking in at a record time of anything.
A federal judge ruled this week that a former intern for a Chinese language broadcasting company cannot sue the company for sexual harassment because unpaid interns are not technically employees so Mama's going to be dropping a lot of pencils.
[laughter.]
The U.
S.
Postal Service has announced that it is destroying an entire run of activity-oriented stamps after they were criticized for depicting unsafe activities such as skateboarding without pads.
Guys, what were you thinking? You know kids will do anything they see on a stamp.
After a physicist harshly criticized the hit movie "Gravity" saying that it contained a number of inaccuracies.
For example, there's no way George Clooney would spend that much time talking to a woman his own age.
[laughter.]
Bruce and Kris Jenner confirmed this week that after 22 years of marriage they're getting divorced.
that makes perfect sense.
Bruce and Kris Jenner getting divorced.
No word yet on who gets to keep the haircut.
confirmed this week that they have decided to start looking Bruce and Kris Jenner confirm this week that they're getting divorced.
"it's sad, but I'm excited to It was confirmed this week masks are getting a divorce.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Florida police arrested a man who was caught in a McDonald's drive-through wearing He's been charged with one count of 'Lovin' It.
" [laughter.]
Tide has created a new self-cleaning shirt that infuses soap into the ink in the logo which is released when it gets You lazy piece of garbage.
[laughter.]
A new set of army soldiers from getting tattoos below the elbow or knee.
This news has many soldiers rushing out to get these tattoos before the looming cutoff date.
Brooks Wheelan.
[cheers and applause.]
Good to see you.
everyone out there rushing to get tattoos to please stop and think about it for a minute.
Trust me.
I've made some poor decisions in I've been fired over I've locked myself in my own car trunk.
But none of those mistakes even come remotely close to this mistake.
The Anthony Kiedis tribal stamp.
forever.
Those lyrics will never grow tiresome.
How's that one song go you love so much? only tattoo, that's not bad.
After that, I picked up a nautical star.
I have to ask, what is the Interesting you should ask, I'm not into sailing and I don't I shouldn't be trusted with my own thoughts.
You would think I'd learn a lesson from these two things.
But you'd be wrong.
Because immediately after these boy on my side.
It might make a little bit of sense had I not grown up in Having never once seen an ocean before.
I just walked into a tattoo guy.
Busch Light can floating down.
But no, it's an ocean.
And there's a whale on the bottom of it.
Oh, high school Brooks, you're It's gonna be great being uncomfortable in public pools for the rest of your life.
How did you even come up with that design on your side? grade.
Were you an art student? No, not at all.
sketch book than my human body.
I like it.
Don't say that.
I'm saying put some thought into your tattoos, Don't just get one to get one.
Make sure it has some meaning.
Will you get one more tatoo? The lady from Avatar.
The blue Na'vi? No, Sigourney Weaver.
In an interview this week her husband have sex multiple times a day.
Her husband confirmed the story Dutch police have begun using rats to detect drugs and So next time you smoke weed in paranoid about the A school in Long Island, New York, has banned all footballs, baseballs and other sports students would get hurt during recess, which is pretty much par for the course over at the oh, weak children.
"Weekend Update, I'm Seth I'm Cecily Strong.
All right, ladies play time We've got a giant space rock bearing down on earth.
A half mile wide.
It's a global killer.
The only thing between that asteroid and the end of planet earth is us.
I say we blast this sucker and go home heroes.
Yeah, well if we pull this Vegas, whole week, emperor's Nice.
I'm going to have the president take care of all my old parking tickets.
bedroom of the White House.
I'd like to see them tell me no.
I'm going to see my daughter, much I love her.
What about you, Kirby? I'm going to kiss my little kitty cat.
[laughter.]
What the hell did you just say? I'm going to kiss my little I'm going to kiss him on his I'm going to give him butterfly kisses like this.
[laughter.]
So that way he knows his Papa loves him.
All right.
before we hit zero barrier.
Let's run it down one more time.
When we touch down, you fire up the Armadillo.
Hoo-rah.
Stone Dog, you prep the drill bit.
You got it boss.
Chance, you get those hydraulics online.
Kirby, I'm counting on you to I miss my little kitty cat.
[laughter.]
Sometimes when I come home, he's him up in the air like a little Lion King.
I love my kitty cat [applause.]
Who the hell is this guy? happens to be the best drill He's also banging my daughter.
And sometimes my kitty cat will make a little piddle in the kitchen and I have to say, no! Bad kitty.
Piddle in the box like a gentlemen.
Then I feel bad for yelling at him.
Prepare for landing.
Everybody hold on! That was a rough one.
Everybody okay? Yeah.
I miss my little kitty cat.
Dog, give me the stats.
We overshot the landing site chief, we landed on a damn iron Boss, there's no way we can get that drill through that rock.
We're toast.
One of us has to go out there That means someone ain't coming home.
It should be Kirby.
Kirby right there.
[laughter.]
No, no, I'll do it.
Kirby tell my little girl I love her.
You can tell her yourself because I already got someone on What the hell did you do? Kirby! Please tell me you did not give the nuke to the cat! Guilty.
knows how to get into little in the tube.
And the only reason I knew he If anyone can do the job -- [explosion.]
He exploded! There's a rip in his suit.
the outside.
No! His teeth are everywhere.
I hate this! I hate it so much! Oh, wait.
Give Papa a little kiss before you save the planet.
This is a fantastic launch party.
Thanks, man.
I really think this will be big.
Centauri Vodka is a damn good vodka.
I am the Centauri Vodka centaur.
Would you like a Centauri shot? Well, thank you.
A taste of fantasy for the warrior in all of us.
Wow.
He's fantastic.
Yeah, nice touch, Rich.
It adds to the ambience, right? Let me introduce you to some of the investors.
second? I've got a lot of VIPs to deal with.
Randy the guy playing my back legs, I'm worried about him.
He has no air holes back there.
He's an actor.
Can you please just check on him, please? I'm telling you, Randy is [gasping.]
See? He loves it.
Randy loves being an actor.
He had a head cold while they were shaving my chest.
Just concentrate on being a centaur and serving free vodka.
Vin Diesel so he can stop staring at that wall.
Sure, thanks.
Centauri Vodka, the taste of -- hang on, Randy.
A taste of the fantasy for the warrior in us all.
Is your butt screaming? A little.
What? Doug, you've got to stop with the Randy stuff.
Okay? He's all good.
Everybody, I would like to make a quick announcement.
Okay? I just wanted to thank you for coming here tonight.
By coming here tonight you showed me that -- [laughter.]
Come on.
Centauri Vodka.
Bruce Jenner is horrified! And when I got back to my 200 roses.
So I said, "Fine.
Aw, Mom.
Being a florist, I'm just glad that she said yes.
I know how hard it can be to get back into the dating scene after Well, it's just nice to see Mom smiling again.
Well, we should get going Mama! Mama, I need you to get more propane, I'm gonna grill.
He's taking me out to dinner.
Very nice to meet you, Eddie.
I actually have a chun -- children of my -- Wait, what did you say? I have a son, a child.
You said chun.
No, I said chun, just got a little tongue tied.
A mixture of child and son.
Why should I let you go out with my mom if you can't even say children.
You're spitting right in my mouth, Eddie.
Phipps! Oh, man.
I got you so good.
Oh, Mama, he wanted to make a good impression so bad first word out of his mouth, chun! And you got me, Eddie.
You got me.
Maybe we should all go out for dinner.
I like that.
That sounds good to me.
Mr.
Phipps maybe you should take think outside the chun.
I'm messing with you! He got me again.
You mean I'm chun.
I'm sorry, Mama.
I'm just having a little fun.
Having a little chun.
Oh, I missed one.
You're starting to upset your mother.
Dad left because of you.
He said so specifically in his Oh, yeah? Well, guess what, baby sis, I don't care what you say because I got a new papa, right, Mr.
Phipps.
much fun together.
We can watch movies like "Top or maybe Forrest Gump.
Mr.
Phipps, question for you.
Is your favorite band chun Please stop.
your mother, Eddie.
Oh, man, I'm just messing with you.
Hey, Mama, do you remember when we were in church and I soiled my chundewear? No, I'm mistaken, I didn't do Because I soiled my underwear, you moron.
Listen to me, you punk.
But you know what you need a little discipline.
Just been so hard since my papa left.
you look like you would take care of me if I was trapped inside a Japanese office building.
Broad shoulders, a strong jaw.
You're so strong, take care of me.
Your chin looks like it was My chin disappears into my neck.
It looks like an accordion.
But I just wanted to impress You know what would impress me, Eddie, if you would just settle down.
Kid? Yeah, thirty-chun.
Let's go to dinner.
Good talking to you, Papa.
Thank you.
I need boundaries.
[cheers and applause.]
big party house.
Yeah, let's check it out.
Welcome to Sigma.
How about some beer pong? Yeah, sure.
Just so you know, we play So you get pretty intense.
Better call mom and daddy to make sure it's okay.
Ha ha.
All right.
So basic rules, you sink it in the cup, drink once.
Bounce it, drink twice.
Three in a row, you're on fire, call the cup and knock it down it's whistles.
Sink it in the same cup, and you get the balls back.
What's whistles? Can you guys whistle? Yeah.
you have to whistle a song.
Just a chance for us to learn what makes you a very special and unique person inside of you.
song to whistle? We'll whistle it for you.
Okay, I guess.
All right, just a few more rules.
swat it and bounce it back, and it lands inside one of your cups, you have to design your ideal rollier coaster.
Grab some markers or some colored pencils and just start drawing.
[laughter.]
Disregard the laws of physics wildest dreams.
If we like it enough we put it up on the wall.
All right, listen to this.
The ball goes around the rim and goes in, pen pals.
Possibly forming friendships My pen pal is from Australia.
If you throw it in, you get to choose a lizard.
Put on your pinstripes and step up to the plate because we're putting you in a custom And you get to choose your own stats.
That's just something fun that we do whenever we want to.
drinking in the game.
We can chug.
You can become the conductor Science project.
Show them.
but I wanted you to see it.
Can we just start the game? We don't know how to play.
You just told us the rules.
Yeah, me either.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm walking on air tonight, tonight, tonight I'm walking on air You're giving me sweet Sweet ecstasy yeah you take me to utopia You reading me Like erotica boy you make me feel Just when I think than ever before We go higher and higher I feel like I'm already there I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight This is pure paradise of our love Yes we make angels cry Reigning down on earth from up above Just when I think I can't take anymore we go deeper and harder than ever before We go higher and higher I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight, tonight, tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air heaven is jealous of our love, oh yeah Angels are crying From up above, oh yeah tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air Tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking I'm walking on air I'm walking on air tonight, tonight, tonight I'm walking on air I'm walking on air I'm walking on air [cheers and applause.]
Like a lot of people, I love to smoke.
But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it.
So that's why I now use e-Meth, it's crystal meth, but electronic.
smoke.
That means I can ride the ice pony anywhere I want.
Smoking is a social thing for me.
know what to do with my hands.
But now I do know what to do Smoke meth.
[coughs.]
It's good.
Thanks to e-Meth.
Now I don't need to leave the Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere.
At the office.
At the grocery store.
In a bathtub in the middle of the road.
Or face down in a big old tire.
e-Meth is healthier because it doesn't contain anti-freeze.
But it still has that great meth taste.
E-Meth lets me get totally gacked up whoop-chicken without yellowing my teeth.
Perfectly white.
What? Hello? Thanks to e-Meth, I can even smoke Inside my favorite smoke meth in here.
It's okay, it's electronic.
I don't care, you're in my living room and you're naked.
[laughter.]
e-Meth is not for everyone.
Talk to your doctor if you experience body rot, face melt, painful death or fatigue.
it's blue, bitch.
[cheers and applause.]
cast and crew.
Thank you so much.
Careful going home.
Walking home.