Saturday Night Live (1975) s40e01 Episode Script
Chris Pratt
Welcome to State of the Union I'm Candy Crowley.
Tonight, the NFL in crisis.
Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league.
Now, I'll confess I don't know a lot about football my sundays are reserved for candy time.
I read Nora Roberts novels while crack team of korean ladies rehabilitate my feet.
But even I know that this league is in trouble.
Earlier today NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to get control of things with yet another press conference, take a look.
This has been a tough couple of weeks.
But in time of troubles you learn who your friends are so I wanna thank all the people who stood by me.
Red Skins owner, Dan Snyder.
Michael Vick.
and Saints coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him.
I appreciate it.
Joining me now are 2 NFL veterans former Raven lineback, Ray Lewis.
Let's talk about this, Candy.
And hall of fame, Shannon Sharpe.
Well thank you, Candy.
It is aboslutely a pleasure to be here.
It really is.
Alright.
First let's talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse.
Ray Lewis, you're a parent have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child? Well, Candy, children need an education.
One way for them to receive that is by going to school.
You wake up, you feed the child get the child dressed, send them off.
Ok, yes, but I'm asking about you.
Have you ever used corpral punishment on a child? A child has a bookbag launch box, brand new clothes and I provide those things.
So when you're talking about teaching somebody something that's what we're paying attention to.
Yes, but, what I'm asking is what about you, have you ever, say had a legal problem that might have disrupted your time? I know what you're getting at.
And let me perfectly clear.
School buses are yellow or sometimes orange, depending.
Bus pulls up, child gets on.
Child goes off to school.
Ok, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles yourself with a spouce or child? Candy, look, look I have never had any legal trouble on my own dating all the way back to 2010 when I did have some legal problem, so yes, yes.
Mr.
Sharpe, Why is this such an ongoing problem? Well, well, well I believe Candy, players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive, ok? When you get off that field you're full of adrenaline testosterone, painkillers and Budlight Lime.
Ok? The NFL needs to calm these players down you know, maybe have some herbal tea or a soothing light show.
The posibilities go to infinity, Candy.
Alright.
Let's look at another clip from Roger Goodell who I think announce more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.
We want to be part of the solution so the NFL is organising its own ''Take Back The Night'' march on October 8th.
What this says is ''we fight women''.
Oh, excuse me, "We fight for women".
We fight four different women? I No? Yeah, of course not I'm so sorry Whatever Goodell is saying he's certainly firm about it.
Ray Lewis, I've just been told you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in 2000.
Is this a systemic problem? Schoolbus pulls up.
The child goes inside.
Candy, Candy, may I say something? Yes, I'm sorry, Mr.
Sharpe, Did your bowtie just get bigger? Ok, Candy this is a .
issue, ok? NFL can possibly solve it.
so I'm looking forward to all being solved by the NFL very soon, yes I am.
Alright.
Let's take a break to sort this out but first, live from New York, it's Saturday Night! I am so pumped to be here hosting the season premier of Saturday Night Live.
This is, this is SNL's 40th anniversary.
I've always felt such a connection to this show a lot of that is because when I dropped out of college and moved to Hawaii, I literally lived in a van down by the river.
This summer I was in a great movie called Guardians of the Galaxy for which I lost 60 pounds.
I found this great diet, it's called: the "Hey fatass, get into shape so you can be in my movie" diet.
It actually works really well.
I recommend it.
Anyways What are you gonna do! You know.
I was, I was so excited to be here tonight I actually wrote a song.
Now yes thank you.
I know I'm not half the singer that Ariana Grande is but, I am technically 3 times her body weight so the math works out.
Again, like I said, I didn't go to college.
Here's a little song I wrote about me.
Good lord, I'm hosting SNL And so far it's goin pretty well I've only sang 2 sentences so it's probably too soon to tell In 40 years that's a lot of shows And I joined a list of some amazing hosts Some of them did not do well Hopefully I'm not one of those Home's where the heart is and mine's right there It belongs to the hottie in the audience right there Her name is Anna Faris, she's hosted twice we had sex and a baby popped out It's true.
Do you remember that? Oh yeah.
It's a really sexy birth.
I've gone from skinny to fat and back to skinny back to fat Probably gonna die if I don't stop that.
But on my tombstone it's gonna read Chris Pratt he hosted SNL It's been a damn good year, it's a damn good show Have I slept in 40 answe 40 hours 40 no Buckle up! You better hold on tight! It's live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live We've got a great show for ya, Ariana Grande is here! Stick around.
We'll be right back.
You've delt with your erectile disfunction.
Honey, I'm ready.
That's okay.
Not tonight.
But something's still missing.
- What's wrong? - You're able to achieve an erection and that's great, but I need more than that.
I need you to get turnt.
Introducing new Cialis Turnt.
The only pill that combats your erectile dysfunction while giving you that unbelievable hip hop sensation of getting turnt.
I'm about to love you like there's a rollercoaster in my penis.
And Cialis TURN isn't just for men.
When I started taking antidepressants I lost my sex drive.
But that's when I find TURNT and now I freak my man crazy.
Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.
Then ask your doctor if you're healthy enough to get turnt because that's a whole nother thing.
If your turnt for more than 6 hours, congratulations you're now legally Lil' Wayne.
Cialis Turnt.
There's a lot of Ecstasy in this.
A He-Man action figure! Just what I wanted! Mom, this has been the best birthday ever.
I almost don't care that none of my classmates came to my party.
Well.
Honey, growing up isn't easy for anyone.
- At least you have your toys.
- Yeah but my toys can't talk or sing my songs with me: We are friends who dream out loud Oh, honey, maybe don't do the song.
Ok? Here, why don't you make your birthday wish and momma's gonna go upstairs and take a nap.
Okay? Please don't bother me, sweetheart.
Love you.
I wish, I wish my toys were alive.
No way, my wish came true! Hi He-Man, I'm Danny.
- Danny.
- And you're Lion-O! - Okay.
- You're alive! - Danny.
- What is alive? Danny, tell us what alive is! Danny! Stop! I thought this would be a Woody and Buzz Lightyear thing like where you guys would know your worlds and, and but you guys don't know anything! Danny, what are those? - These are pants.
- Pants.
Pants.
- Danny! - Why don't we have pants? - Pants? - No, that's cake.
- Why is cake, Danny? - Look, you eat it, see? - I like cake.
- Cake? Danny, mom is making me say happy birthday to you.
So, happy birthday.
Okay.
Lates.
- What was that? - That was just my sister.
I like sister.
I feel good when I see sister.
- Bring back sister, Danny! - No! You guys are supposed to play with me! I want sister! - Don't do that! - Give us more cake, Danny! I touched this to that part and it felt good! Why? I like it.
I like this Danny! Do this! Like this! This feels good, Danny! This is good.
Good like cake, but different good.
- This is good! - I want this with the sister! - With, with the sister.
- Where is sister, Danny? - Her room's down the hall! - Down the hall.
Now give me more cake.
Okay, there might be some more in there.
There is no cake, Danny! - Did you find sister? - I found other sister.
She-Ra, you're alive too? I heard you guys where doing this.
Can I have a birthday hug? I don't like hugs, I like this.
Hey! What the? What is going on in here? It's not my fault.
I made a wish and then Mom? Mom! I like mom! I like mom too.
Oh, my sweet meats.
Danny, you may have blown out the candle but mama's wish done come true.
Do you two wanna see our hot tub? - Hot tub? - Yes mom, hot tub! This feels good, mom.
Oh, I know.
And She-Ra come on.
I know you're a freak.
Oh my God, you guys, my hair is not doing what I want it to do today.
Me either, my hair is dry as a little Triscuit.
My hair is like soup on a plate it just ain't right.
- Okay, well let's to work cause if we don't do it, it's gonna do us.
Now hand me my clipboard, thank you.
- Mrs.
Taylor? - Oh, that's me.
Now, you're waiting on your guinea pig, Mrs Wonderful? I gotta tell you, I just love that name.
And she has lived up to it, 200%.
Thank you, now are they bringing her out now? They are ma'am.
She will be out here in just a moment.
And we just wanna let you know that when they do bring her out here she will be dead.
What? Mrs.
Wonderful is dead? Yes ma'am.
But please don't worry, she did go very slowly.
She was here for, she was here for a toe nail trim! We know and her nails look right.
- But she is dead.
- Ok.
So I'm just gonna need you to sign these papers.
- Ok, what are these papers for? No it just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.
Ok, so right here where it says, "do you know it" we're gonna need you to print the english word "yes".
Well, can I at least say goodbye? Well look at you.
Of course you can, come here.
Oh my gosh.
Nobody does that, aren't you so sweet? - Gonna miss you so much.
- I don't believe this! Bye, bye now.
My goodness! I really like her, she seemed like a new person.
- Wow.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
I just came to check on my parrot.
Oh hello.
Are you Mr.
Santoro? Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.
Well, your parrot has been a dream.
Were you the one that taught her how to say "pizza, pizza"? I wish, no.
She learned that from tv.
It's so cute.
Well she's been sayin that all day long.
She has.
"Pizza, pizza".
Those were her last words.
- What? - "Pizza, pizza".
- And then nothing.
- What do you mean? Your bird is dead.
And we just need you to fill out this form.
- But how did she die? - I'm afraid she was "birdered".
What? That is what happens when a bird is murdered.
- This can't be happening.
- Right? I know I am so sorry.
Ok, so we just need you to sign this form that says my parrot was birdered and there's nothing I can do about it.
This is the worst vet hospital I've ever been in! Right? Well I think he took that pretty good.
Mr.
Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor? Yeah, I think my turtle has a rash.
I can see it.
Poor baby.
I'm gonna take him to the doctor, okay? Oh my gosh.
I bet he won't take long.
Ok, we're back.
I just need you to identify the body.
What, my turtle is dead? Well, hang on, just let me see.
Okay, I knocked and nobody is home.
Okay, sign this, I need you to sign this form that says they bundled up my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me in a lift.
I can't believe that my turtle is dead.
Oh, believe it.
Look.
I mean here you go.
This is inexcusable! Well, at least you know he wasn't turdured.
That's when turtle gets murdered.
Well, we know that.
All right, y'all, you know what I need a darn drink.
- Me too.
- Me too, three.
Look it.
You are crazy.
- I know.
- Well that's the darn truth.
This summer Marvel took a super obscure comic book and turned it into the biggest movie of the year.
Which means one thing: Marvel can't fail! Next summer: we're releasing Ant-Man.
It's about a guy who talks to ants.
What? Yeah! We don't even need comic books anymore we made a super hero team by pointing at a bunch of random words in the dictionary.
You're gonna fall in love with Marvels Creatures of the Cosmos.
You're telling me the fate of the world is in the hands of a pastry chef, a Harlem Globetrotter an alien real estate sign spinner a dude dressed as Grimace and an office chair? They're humanity's last hope? Seems ridiculous I'm on board.
Check out this bold move.
We took the first 4 people we found on a city bus and made a movie with them.
We dare you not to see: Marvel's Bus People.
and to prove it, get ready for: Marvel's Pam.
Who's Pam? Doesn't matter.
Pam will make 3 billion dollars.
And so will Marvel's Fancy Ghosts.
Marvel's Some Shopping Carts.
And Marvels Pam 2: The Winter Pam.
You can be like, Star Wars who? That is until, yep, Marvel's Star Wars.
Marvel yeah.
It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Good evening.
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Colin Jost.
- I'm Michael Che and here are tonight's top stories.
After the US launched air strikes against ISIS forces this week President Obama spoke at the UN urged and urged Muslim countries to join in the fight.
Obama is so desperate to get Muslim countries on board he started using his middle name again.
Hilary Clinton recently fueled speculation that she may run for president, when she made an appearance in Iowa and said "Hello Iowa, I'm back".
Though, if I remember 2008 correctly that's not as effective as saying, "Hello Iowa, I'm black".
Apple this week announced that a bunch of Chinese factory workers are about to get carpal tunnel.
In other Apple news the company has strengthened security for its iCloud storage system in response to the recent hacking of celebrity nude photos but if you really don't want anyone to see your naked photos you could just hide them in that free U2 album.
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton who gave birth to a baby girl on Friday.
A new grandmother, Hillary Clinton said she couldn't be any happier unless the baby was a latina in a swing state.
An outbreak of the ebola virus continues to spread through Western Africa with America and other countries scrambling to help.
Here with her take on this sensitive subject is The Girl You Wished You Haven't Started A Conversation With At A Party.
Hello.
Welcome back.
So, where you have you been? I went on my birth right trip to Israel.
- Really, are you Jewish? - Wow! The fact that you would even ask me that makes you a spigot.
And no, I'm not Jewish.
Okay, so what do you think about this ebola outbreak? What do I think about it? Michael it's all I'm thinking about.
Okay? I'm thinking about it 25/7.
Okay? Cause this isn't just an outbreak, Michael it's an outrage.
Okay? It's an obamination.
It's uncomprehendible.
And these people aren't even sick of ebola.
They're sick of the "hypocrity".
Nah, I think they're also sick from the ebola which is what we were here to talk about Okay.
Let me mansplain this for you in terms you can manderstand, okay? Cause right now, sorry, but you look like a broken record.
You're being like a fetishist dictator, okay? Swipe left, okay.
Cause this might like shock you but most Americans only use 10% of my brain.
And Michael? No offense but that's how their gang crossed our border.
Like, why are we even? Why are we even what? Are we gonna talk about ebola because if not then there's other jokes People need to wake up, Michael! We're living in a post facial society! Wal-Mart, Happy Meals, the Winter Olympics.
There are babies in China who don't even know they're adults.
It's like, every 5 minutes another species.
Another species what? Exactly.
I spill your brains out.
I spill your brains out.
And it's like, I hate to burn your bubble but, if Niel DeGrasse Tyson is that smart why did he bite that guy's ear off? I gotta give you something.
Do you have a crush on anyone right now? Don't say me.
Well actually, there is this girl Jessica I have a crush on Gandhi.
But I'm sure Jessica discovered India too.
- Who is that guy? - That's Colin.
He looks like my ex.
He died at Burning Man.
This is an authentic mexican jumping bean.
I got it at Urban Outfitters.
- Devon, Devon! - Who are you yelling at? Devon.
She's my scariest friend.
You have like really kind eyes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Can I take a selfie with you? I guess My dad's gonna really hate that.
All right.
Girl at a party, everyone.
Actor Cuba Gooding Jr who was participating in a Shoot the Puck Competition during intermission at a Chicago Black Hawk preseason game screamed and ripped his shirt off after making a goal.
It was the kind of display that reminded us why it's been a while since anyone showed him the money.
Tomorrow will mark the final Major League Baseball game for Yankee shortstop, Derek Jeter.
Jeter retires after 20 seasons 260 home runs, over 3400 hits and all the ass.
A writer for Orange is the New Black said that working on the show made her realize that she was gay.
While watching what goes on in that woman's prison reminded me that I am not.
Detroit Lions linebacker, Stephen Tullock is out for the year after tearing a knee ligament while celebrating a sack against the Green Bay Packers.
It's a horrific on field incident that the NFL is calling our best news in weeks.
A new study shows that the number of single people in America has reach record high levels.
Here to give her thoughts on the subject is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.
What's up, what's up? Yeah I'm single.
Give it up for the loneliness! So, Leslie, obviously you're excited about being single.
Yeah.
I get to watch Ghost Whisperer on Friday.
Ghost Whisperer? Is that still a show? Of course it is, you sexy vanilla muffin.
If you got the ION channel, it's always on.
All right.
So Leslie, why do you like being single? Well, at this point I don't like it so much as I'm used to it.
You know what I mean? It's hard to date now! Remember back in the day when the only question you had to ask a man was are you single? Now, is a whole interview.
Are you single? Are you on drugs? Are you gay? Are you sure? Do you have any kids? The baby on the way counts as a kid.
It's just too hard now.
Well I hope you don't lose hope Leslie, you know? Cuz sometimes relationships work out.
- For who Jost? Who they work out for? I was with a man for 4 years.
Sure, it was a booty call but damn 4 years! He had to move to Israel to break up with me.
He didn't say goodbye, shalom, or nothing.
You men are all the same.
You just jump in the shower and wash all the women off of you.
But we can't do that as women because you all's spirits are in us.
- I'm sorry, our spirits? You know what I'm talking about you delicious marshmallow.
Spirits just be marching around in my body making me think about him.
Why do I keep smelling this, Jake! Help me, Ghost Whisperer! Help me! You see? You see what relationships do to you? Look at my face! See? Leslie Jones, everybody! Officials with at Staten Island zoo are denying reports that a groundhog used in this year's Groundhog Day ceremony died after Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped it.
Said officials it was really more the stepping on it.
A Shepard in Germany has discovered a rare geep which is a sheep-goat hybrid.
It's believed to be the first sheep-goat hybrid to be discovered since Kid Rock.
A California teacher resigned after she talked in class about programming robots to shoot and kill students.
Her resignation should give her more time at home to work on her army of killer robots.
A Mexican woman thought to be the oldest person in the world reportedly turned 127 on Sunday.
Despite her age, she said she's still living la vida kill me.
A Pennsylvania teenager faces up to 2 years in prison for photographing himself in a sexual position with a statue of Jesus.
Here to comment is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.
How's it going, Che! Good.
Everything's good.
Now, do you approve what this kid did? I don't approve of what he did.
But, however kids my age do that stuff all the time.
For example, Have you ever played the "how much money would you go down on a guy for" game? I don't think so, Pete.
Well.
For those of you who don't know what the game is it's basically one of your friends will be like: "Hey man, would you go down on a guy for a million dollars?" And then we would all lie and be like "no".
So you're saying you would go down on a guy for a million dollars.
Of course I would! A million dollars is a steal.
I hope he starts at a million.
I would it for like 3000 if I had to be honest with myself.
Even if I was doing well.
Like even if I was on a boat and it was my boat.
I would still do it.
A boat needs fuel, a lot of people don't realize that.
They just get a boat, and then they're in the middle of the ocean with no fuel, and they're like: "I wish I went down on that guy".
You know? "I wouldn't be stuck in the middle of the ocean now".
People will be like: "Well, Pete you must be gay".
And I'm like: "No, I'm a business man.
Ok? Look, if you're gay it's fine.
Me and my friends are just trying to make money.
All right? If you don't go down on a guy for a million dollars you obviously don't care about your family.
When I was in high school 3 years ago my opinion was different.
You know? Whenever I played that game and my friends asked me if I would go down on a guy for a million dollars I'd be like, no, gross.
And I meant that because times were different.
I lived with my mom at the time, you know? I had food, clothes I had a TV in my room.
I didn't need to go down on a guy.
My mom's already doing that.
But now, now I live on my own.
So I think, you know, 2 times a year is an acceptable amount of time to go down on a guy.
It makes complete sense, you know? Once in the summers you have a great summer, you know? You go to Six Flags, you bring your entire family get the flash pass.
And then once right before Christmas so the whole family eats, you know? I actually think that's quite noble.
Just think of how proud you'll be at Thanksgiving dinner when your grandpa is saying grace.
And he's like: "We'd like to thank Pete's mouth for this wonderful feast".
Some people like: "Hey, Pete, won't you have to go to therapy?" And I'm like: "Yeah.
But guess who could afford therapy now".
your man, Pete Davidson, everybody! A new study shows that Beaumont, Texas is the least educated city in the country.
Oh, man.
Wait until they don't read about this.
It was revealed that Tyler Perry is expecting his first child with his girlfriend.
Perry is reported to be very excited about being a grandmother.
Perry says he doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as the baby has tern fingers and tern ters.
Now, it's no secret that it's been a rough summer for president Obama.
Between gridlock in Washington and the situation in the Middle East his poll numbers are at an all time low.
So we just want to take a minute to say cheer up, president Obama.
Because no matter how hard stuff seems right now, things are gonna get easier.
Child, things are gonna get easier Child, things'll get brighter Hey, Mr.
president, I know things seem bad right now.
But on the bright side, after the mid term elections pretty much nothing you do will matter.
I mean, and then you'll be free to become the first Black president I was truly hoping for.
It could be so much fun! You thought people flipped out over your tan suit? Wait until they see you in a purple suit! You could give the next State of the Union looking like you're the number one pick at the NBA draft.
Child, things are gonna get easier Hey, look, I know you're taking a lot of heat for how you're handling the ISIS situation, okay? But maybe the American people will forget all about this in a few months.
Right? I mean Benghazi used to seem like a huge deal and now it's just John McCain's safe word.
Child, things are gonna get brighter Plus, if you had a better approval rating you'd have to be all over the country campaigning for other Democrats.
But they don't want you anywhere near them now.
So why don't you just give the campaign to them and hit up the on the run tour, with the real first family Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
Child, things are going to get slightly easier Even better, this will all be over soon.
You've got 2 and a half years left.
That's like one and a half Hobbit movies.
And you know what you could do then? You can smoke, and not just cigarettes.
That's right, you could move to Colorado and open a dispensary called Barack O'Ganjah's and we'd all be cool with it, man.
Plus, you know, everyone loves ex-presidents no matter how good or bad they were.
I mean, the last guy spent 8 years wrecking the economy bombing every country with sand in it and all we had to do to make us forget what he did was paint an okay picture of a dog.
Child, things are gonna get probably not worse And most importantly remember that no matter what, the brothers are always gonna love you.
I mean you could lose a war to Canada and we'd still paint murals of you in the hood.
Right between Martin Luther King and Aaliyah.
I mean, you're gonna have all kinds of stuff named after you.
You might not get an airport like Reagan but it's gotta be pretty cool to know that one day parents may tell their children not to go north to Barrack Obama Boulevard.
Barrack Obama is gonna get his own boulevard Stay south of Barack Obama Boulevard For Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che! I'm Colin Jost, goodnight! (Don Pardo, 1918-2014) I am so happy we came out tonight.
Girls night! Oh, oh my gord! Look at that guy! - Oh he's cute Sheryl.
- You should go talk to him.
Gosh I could never, like what would I even say? Oh come on! You've seen music videos and movies.
- You know how to flirt.
- Gosh, you're right Alberta.
I'm gonna go.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Cheryl.
I don't know how to do this.
I'm nervous, I guess.
I'm hot, sticky, gooey, and I'm ready to pop.
Put, put my gooshy on your tooshy, gonna spin like a top with my big, fat ass.
Yes, you know you want it.
It's my big fat ass.
Okay, bye.
Is that okay? How was that? You seem very horny and loud.
- Okay, that's good, right? - I think so.
I wish I knew what he was thinking.
That girl is so into you, go back and talk to her.
Dude, you know me, I don't know how.
Just be confident, like all the guys you see.
- Have swag! - Yes.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Gosh, I'm so nervous.
- Me too.
You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel ? gonna plow through your panties like I'm running on diesel gonna open up my jeans, say pop goes the weasel pop, pop, goes the weasel.
Pop, pop, goes the weasel.
All right, bye.
Hey Todd, hey Todd, did you just say plow through your panties like I'm running on diesel? - I guess so.
- What does that mean? I, I guess like I'm a truck that speeds through her panties, I Wow.
Really great.
Girls love that.
And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I'd say, pop goes the weasel.
Very cool, Cheryl.
Go back over there and talk to him.
Okay.
So tell me about yourself.
- Okay.
Well, I went to Wellesley and I double majored in Women's Studies and my big fat ass, ba,ba, ba, big fat ass Oh, my god! Look at my ass! Look, look, look at my ass B b b big fat ass What about you? Like, what kind of girls are you into? You know? I guess it's tough.
I guess I like girls drop that ass low and shut the hell up they freak, freak, freak You know, I mean that kind of stuff.
Yeah, that sounds neat.
You guys! He said he likes girls who shut the hell up! That's not good, Cheryl! You're a feminist! He also mentioned asses and you have one of those.
Yeah.
Am I the only one who thinks Cheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard? But honestly, like what else do girls even say? - Talk about your family.
- Okay.
So, I have one brother He's name is Mikey and he looks a viking He's got some junker in his trunker so they say he looks like me, cuz I got a big, fat ass Jenna, you're back on the ass stuff again! Okay.
So why don't you, So why don't you tell me more about you? My name's Todd and I like that bod ?? come over we can smoke some crack, crack, crack Hey, Todd! Todd, you're not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you? - Is that what I said? - Yeah.
Listen Todd.
I just, I want you to know I'm down to flurp and slurp ?? I know you like it when I flurp my worp - What were those words? - I don't know.
I just like, I like you a lot.
Would you like to go on a date sometime? Oh, yeah, I'd love too.
And I'll make sure I bring my big fat ass.
And I would pump it like I'm, gettin gas Please don't quit your day job.
Hey Ben, hey Tyler - Hey, what's up with you? - I guess I'm just having trouble making friends outside.
- What? But you're nice.
If people don't see that, then they don't deserve to be your friend.
Hey! You go pretty fast.
I like to ride my bike fast.
You wanna be part of our group? Sounds cool.
Thanks for letting me be part of your group.
No problem.
- Is Maxie here? - Yeah, he's in his room.
Hey, that's a really nice ball.
Thanks.
Check you later, dudes.
Check you later, dudes? You're not gonna let Maxie hang out with them, are you? Maxie's his own person.
He's not gonna be influenced by boys like that.
Maxie? We're going outside.
Hey, just make sure you're back by 9 o'clock for our favorite tv show.
- No problem.
Check ya later, dudes.
Worrying's not going to bring Maxie home any sooner.
Where were you? Listen, I'm sorry I'm late.
Me and guys ended up going to the park.
I called the park.
They've been closed for 2 hours.
You missed our favorite show.
I'm not gonna let you hang out with Robbie anymore.
Hey, listen! You can't tell me who I get to hang out with.
This is a fight.
Hey, guys wanna play ball? I wish.
I don't have a ball.
I think I know where we can get one.
You want to steal Ben's ball? I'm not gonna steal his ball you are.
Oh hey, Ben.
Is this your ball? Ben, I need to talk to you.
I knew that this was your ball.
- I get it, Maxie.
- I didn't want to steal it.
But it's just so hard to say no to my new friends.
You mean the friends that just ditched you? And left you hanging out to dry? Hey, Ben, Maxie.
Hey Tyler.
You were right about Robbie.
I'm sorry about about our fight.
Thank you for opening up to me.
The fight is over.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS.
I'm Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.
- Great to be here Jim.
- Obviously the NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.
Well they're trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.
Accountability.
That's what the NFL is all about.
And I think you'll see that reflected in today's player introductions.
First let's meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.
Assault.
Manslaughter.
I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue.
Whole bunch of stuff.
Loitering with an intent to murder.
I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.
Treason.
Involuntary prostitution.
I O.
D'd on penis pills.
I punched a mailman.
That's federal, baby.
And I'm the punter.
Tax fraud.
Wow, certainly a different line up than we're used to seeing.
Well there have been a lot of suspensions so, the teams look significantly different than they did last week.
- The players look less athletic.
- I noticed that as well.
Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they received for their offenses? - Well, no, there weren't any so we're not.
- Oh, right, right, right.
Now, let's meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense.
Burned down a strip club.
American Taliban.
I love cocaine.
Stanford! I haven't done nothing yet, but I'm gonna.
I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.
I was on that cruise, too.
It was pretty fun.
Somali pirate.
I hit my wife.
And I'm his wife, I hit his ass back.
I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama.
Go Panthers! Well, as you can see, it's a whole new era for the National Football League.
- So let's get you straight to the field for kickoff.
We'll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita half time show featuring Chris Brown, and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.
- This is the NFL on CBS.
All right guys, I would say thank you for your time but we're paying you to play video games.
So maybe you should be thanking me.
Yeah, my mom said that we would get 25 bucks.
That is correct.
Up to $25 in food vouchers.
Now your input is going to help make Puzzle World 6 the best game possible.
So all we want is your honest first impression, all right? So Brett, why don't you start us off? Press Start! We need your help.
The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world! If you don't help us solve these puzzles he'll destroy all the love and happiness.
To clear each stage use the pieces to complete the shape.
We'll be right here cheering you on! Ready? Go for it! Way to go.
You did it.
I feel so safe in your arms.
You are.
Press eight for the next puzzle.
That was great.
Does anybody have any feedback on that? Oh, wow, all right.
Brett, go ahead.
Okay, those two people just kissed for a long time.
Yeah, that doesn't seem like it goes with this kind of game.
Well, they're celebrating your puzzle solving skills.
Remember, you're helping them restore love to their kingdom.
But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like hot tension.
Well, guys this is Puzzle World 6.
Okay? so we gotta step up the storytelling as well as the game play.
- Okay, well, like the game play was like stupid easy.
Stupid easy.
All right, that helps.
Great! Claudia, why don't you do the next one.
Stage two, complete the shape.
The faster you do it, the more points you get! Ready? Go for it! Way to go! You did it! No! - What? No, please.
- What, what? It was a terrible accident! I was in an explosion! I'm hideous! You're beautiful! Great job! You've got serious puzzle power! How many levels are in this game? So we better get going.
- Ben, jump in here.
- Oh, man Stage three, go! - You have to leave.
- What! Why? You know why, I'm married! Their relationship drama's blocking the puzzle.
I can't play! I can't play the game! Okay, okay, enough, enough! Quit the game! Quit the game! Oh no, game over! Evil wins, fools! Excuse me, Brett, we still have like 3 hours of testing.
That's going to go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.
I don't care! You can keep the $25! I just can't take anymore of that! What?
Tonight, the NFL in crisis.
Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league.
Now, I'll confess I don't know a lot about football my sundays are reserved for candy time.
I read Nora Roberts novels while crack team of korean ladies rehabilitate my feet.
But even I know that this league is in trouble.
Earlier today NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to get control of things with yet another press conference, take a look.
This has been a tough couple of weeks.
But in time of troubles you learn who your friends are so I wanna thank all the people who stood by me.
Red Skins owner, Dan Snyder.
Michael Vick.
and Saints coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him.
I appreciate it.
Joining me now are 2 NFL veterans former Raven lineback, Ray Lewis.
Let's talk about this, Candy.
And hall of fame, Shannon Sharpe.
Well thank you, Candy.
It is aboslutely a pleasure to be here.
It really is.
Alright.
First let's talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse.
Ray Lewis, you're a parent have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child? Well, Candy, children need an education.
One way for them to receive that is by going to school.
You wake up, you feed the child get the child dressed, send them off.
Ok, yes, but I'm asking about you.
Have you ever used corpral punishment on a child? A child has a bookbag launch box, brand new clothes and I provide those things.
So when you're talking about teaching somebody something that's what we're paying attention to.
Yes, but, what I'm asking is what about you, have you ever, say had a legal problem that might have disrupted your time? I know what you're getting at.
And let me perfectly clear.
School buses are yellow or sometimes orange, depending.
Bus pulls up, child gets on.
Child goes off to school.
Ok, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles yourself with a spouce or child? Candy, look, look I have never had any legal trouble on my own dating all the way back to 2010 when I did have some legal problem, so yes, yes.
Mr.
Sharpe, Why is this such an ongoing problem? Well, well, well I believe Candy, players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive, ok? When you get off that field you're full of adrenaline testosterone, painkillers and Budlight Lime.
Ok? The NFL needs to calm these players down you know, maybe have some herbal tea or a soothing light show.
The posibilities go to infinity, Candy.
Alright.
Let's look at another clip from Roger Goodell who I think announce more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.
We want to be part of the solution so the NFL is organising its own ''Take Back The Night'' march on October 8th.
What this says is ''we fight women''.
Oh, excuse me, "We fight for women".
We fight four different women? I No? Yeah, of course not I'm so sorry Whatever Goodell is saying he's certainly firm about it.
Ray Lewis, I've just been told you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in 2000.
Is this a systemic problem? Schoolbus pulls up.
The child goes inside.
Candy, Candy, may I say something? Yes, I'm sorry, Mr.
Sharpe, Did your bowtie just get bigger? Ok, Candy this is a .
issue, ok? NFL can possibly solve it.
so I'm looking forward to all being solved by the NFL very soon, yes I am.
Alright.
Let's take a break to sort this out but first, live from New York, it's Saturday Night! I am so pumped to be here hosting the season premier of Saturday Night Live.
This is, this is SNL's 40th anniversary.
I've always felt such a connection to this show a lot of that is because when I dropped out of college and moved to Hawaii, I literally lived in a van down by the river.
This summer I was in a great movie called Guardians of the Galaxy for which I lost 60 pounds.
I found this great diet, it's called: the "Hey fatass, get into shape so you can be in my movie" diet.
It actually works really well.
I recommend it.
Anyways What are you gonna do! You know.
I was, I was so excited to be here tonight I actually wrote a song.
Now yes thank you.
I know I'm not half the singer that Ariana Grande is but, I am technically 3 times her body weight so the math works out.
Again, like I said, I didn't go to college.
Here's a little song I wrote about me.
Good lord, I'm hosting SNL And so far it's goin pretty well I've only sang 2 sentences so it's probably too soon to tell In 40 years that's a lot of shows And I joined a list of some amazing hosts Some of them did not do well Hopefully I'm not one of those Home's where the heart is and mine's right there It belongs to the hottie in the audience right there Her name is Anna Faris, she's hosted twice we had sex and a baby popped out It's true.
Do you remember that? Oh yeah.
It's a really sexy birth.
I've gone from skinny to fat and back to skinny back to fat Probably gonna die if I don't stop that.
But on my tombstone it's gonna read Chris Pratt he hosted SNL It's been a damn good year, it's a damn good show Have I slept in 40 answe 40 hours 40 no Buckle up! You better hold on tight! It's live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live We've got a great show for ya, Ariana Grande is here! Stick around.
We'll be right back.
You've delt with your erectile disfunction.
Honey, I'm ready.
That's okay.
Not tonight.
But something's still missing.
- What's wrong? - You're able to achieve an erection and that's great, but I need more than that.
I need you to get turnt.
Introducing new Cialis Turnt.
The only pill that combats your erectile dysfunction while giving you that unbelievable hip hop sensation of getting turnt.
I'm about to love you like there's a rollercoaster in my penis.
And Cialis TURN isn't just for men.
When I started taking antidepressants I lost my sex drive.
But that's when I find TURNT and now I freak my man crazy.
Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.
Then ask your doctor if you're healthy enough to get turnt because that's a whole nother thing.
If your turnt for more than 6 hours, congratulations you're now legally Lil' Wayne.
Cialis Turnt.
There's a lot of Ecstasy in this.
A He-Man action figure! Just what I wanted! Mom, this has been the best birthday ever.
I almost don't care that none of my classmates came to my party.
Well.
Honey, growing up isn't easy for anyone.
- At least you have your toys.
- Yeah but my toys can't talk or sing my songs with me: We are friends who dream out loud Oh, honey, maybe don't do the song.
Ok? Here, why don't you make your birthday wish and momma's gonna go upstairs and take a nap.
Okay? Please don't bother me, sweetheart.
Love you.
I wish, I wish my toys were alive.
No way, my wish came true! Hi He-Man, I'm Danny.
- Danny.
- And you're Lion-O! - Okay.
- You're alive! - Danny.
- What is alive? Danny, tell us what alive is! Danny! Stop! I thought this would be a Woody and Buzz Lightyear thing like where you guys would know your worlds and, and but you guys don't know anything! Danny, what are those? - These are pants.
- Pants.
Pants.
- Danny! - Why don't we have pants? - Pants? - No, that's cake.
- Why is cake, Danny? - Look, you eat it, see? - I like cake.
- Cake? Danny, mom is making me say happy birthday to you.
So, happy birthday.
Okay.
Lates.
- What was that? - That was just my sister.
I like sister.
I feel good when I see sister.
- Bring back sister, Danny! - No! You guys are supposed to play with me! I want sister! - Don't do that! - Give us more cake, Danny! I touched this to that part and it felt good! Why? I like it.
I like this Danny! Do this! Like this! This feels good, Danny! This is good.
Good like cake, but different good.
- This is good! - I want this with the sister! - With, with the sister.
- Where is sister, Danny? - Her room's down the hall! - Down the hall.
Now give me more cake.
Okay, there might be some more in there.
There is no cake, Danny! - Did you find sister? - I found other sister.
She-Ra, you're alive too? I heard you guys where doing this.
Can I have a birthday hug? I don't like hugs, I like this.
Hey! What the? What is going on in here? It's not my fault.
I made a wish and then Mom? Mom! I like mom! I like mom too.
Oh, my sweet meats.
Danny, you may have blown out the candle but mama's wish done come true.
Do you two wanna see our hot tub? - Hot tub? - Yes mom, hot tub! This feels good, mom.
Oh, I know.
And She-Ra come on.
I know you're a freak.
Oh my God, you guys, my hair is not doing what I want it to do today.
Me either, my hair is dry as a little Triscuit.
My hair is like soup on a plate it just ain't right.
- Okay, well let's to work cause if we don't do it, it's gonna do us.
Now hand me my clipboard, thank you.
- Mrs.
Taylor? - Oh, that's me.
Now, you're waiting on your guinea pig, Mrs Wonderful? I gotta tell you, I just love that name.
And she has lived up to it, 200%.
Thank you, now are they bringing her out now? They are ma'am.
She will be out here in just a moment.
And we just wanna let you know that when they do bring her out here she will be dead.
What? Mrs.
Wonderful is dead? Yes ma'am.
But please don't worry, she did go very slowly.
She was here for, she was here for a toe nail trim! We know and her nails look right.
- But she is dead.
- Ok.
So I'm just gonna need you to sign these papers.
- Ok, what are these papers for? No it just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.
Ok, so right here where it says, "do you know it" we're gonna need you to print the english word "yes".
Well, can I at least say goodbye? Well look at you.
Of course you can, come here.
Oh my gosh.
Nobody does that, aren't you so sweet? - Gonna miss you so much.
- I don't believe this! Bye, bye now.
My goodness! I really like her, she seemed like a new person.
- Wow.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
I just came to check on my parrot.
Oh hello.
Are you Mr.
Santoro? Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.
Well, your parrot has been a dream.
Were you the one that taught her how to say "pizza, pizza"? I wish, no.
She learned that from tv.
It's so cute.
Well she's been sayin that all day long.
She has.
"Pizza, pizza".
Those were her last words.
- What? - "Pizza, pizza".
- And then nothing.
- What do you mean? Your bird is dead.
And we just need you to fill out this form.
- But how did she die? - I'm afraid she was "birdered".
What? That is what happens when a bird is murdered.
- This can't be happening.
- Right? I know I am so sorry.
Ok, so we just need you to sign this form that says my parrot was birdered and there's nothing I can do about it.
This is the worst vet hospital I've ever been in! Right? Well I think he took that pretty good.
Mr.
Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor? Yeah, I think my turtle has a rash.
I can see it.
Poor baby.
I'm gonna take him to the doctor, okay? Oh my gosh.
I bet he won't take long.
Ok, we're back.
I just need you to identify the body.
What, my turtle is dead? Well, hang on, just let me see.
Okay, I knocked and nobody is home.
Okay, sign this, I need you to sign this form that says they bundled up my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me in a lift.
I can't believe that my turtle is dead.
Oh, believe it.
Look.
I mean here you go.
This is inexcusable! Well, at least you know he wasn't turdured.
That's when turtle gets murdered.
Well, we know that.
All right, y'all, you know what I need a darn drink.
- Me too.
- Me too, three.
Look it.
You are crazy.
- I know.
- Well that's the darn truth.
This summer Marvel took a super obscure comic book and turned it into the biggest movie of the year.
Which means one thing: Marvel can't fail! Next summer: we're releasing Ant-Man.
It's about a guy who talks to ants.
What? Yeah! We don't even need comic books anymore we made a super hero team by pointing at a bunch of random words in the dictionary.
You're gonna fall in love with Marvels Creatures of the Cosmos.
You're telling me the fate of the world is in the hands of a pastry chef, a Harlem Globetrotter an alien real estate sign spinner a dude dressed as Grimace and an office chair? They're humanity's last hope? Seems ridiculous I'm on board.
Check out this bold move.
We took the first 4 people we found on a city bus and made a movie with them.
We dare you not to see: Marvel's Bus People.
and to prove it, get ready for: Marvel's Pam.
Who's Pam? Doesn't matter.
Pam will make 3 billion dollars.
And so will Marvel's Fancy Ghosts.
Marvel's Some Shopping Carts.
And Marvels Pam 2: The Winter Pam.
You can be like, Star Wars who? That is until, yep, Marvel's Star Wars.
Marvel yeah.
It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Good evening.
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Colin Jost.
- I'm Michael Che and here are tonight's top stories.
After the US launched air strikes against ISIS forces this week President Obama spoke at the UN urged and urged Muslim countries to join in the fight.
Obama is so desperate to get Muslim countries on board he started using his middle name again.
Hilary Clinton recently fueled speculation that she may run for president, when she made an appearance in Iowa and said "Hello Iowa, I'm back".
Though, if I remember 2008 correctly that's not as effective as saying, "Hello Iowa, I'm black".
Apple this week announced that a bunch of Chinese factory workers are about to get carpal tunnel.
In other Apple news the company has strengthened security for its iCloud storage system in response to the recent hacking of celebrity nude photos but if you really don't want anyone to see your naked photos you could just hide them in that free U2 album.
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton who gave birth to a baby girl on Friday.
A new grandmother, Hillary Clinton said she couldn't be any happier unless the baby was a latina in a swing state.
An outbreak of the ebola virus continues to spread through Western Africa with America and other countries scrambling to help.
Here with her take on this sensitive subject is The Girl You Wished You Haven't Started A Conversation With At A Party.
Hello.
Welcome back.
So, where you have you been? I went on my birth right trip to Israel.
- Really, are you Jewish? - Wow! The fact that you would even ask me that makes you a spigot.
And no, I'm not Jewish.
Okay, so what do you think about this ebola outbreak? What do I think about it? Michael it's all I'm thinking about.
Okay? I'm thinking about it 25/7.
Okay? Cause this isn't just an outbreak, Michael it's an outrage.
Okay? It's an obamination.
It's uncomprehendible.
And these people aren't even sick of ebola.
They're sick of the "hypocrity".
Nah, I think they're also sick from the ebola which is what we were here to talk about Okay.
Let me mansplain this for you in terms you can manderstand, okay? Cause right now, sorry, but you look like a broken record.
You're being like a fetishist dictator, okay? Swipe left, okay.
Cause this might like shock you but most Americans only use 10% of my brain.
And Michael? No offense but that's how their gang crossed our border.
Like, why are we even? Why are we even what? Are we gonna talk about ebola because if not then there's other jokes People need to wake up, Michael! We're living in a post facial society! Wal-Mart, Happy Meals, the Winter Olympics.
There are babies in China who don't even know they're adults.
It's like, every 5 minutes another species.
Another species what? Exactly.
I spill your brains out.
I spill your brains out.
And it's like, I hate to burn your bubble but, if Niel DeGrasse Tyson is that smart why did he bite that guy's ear off? I gotta give you something.
Do you have a crush on anyone right now? Don't say me.
Well actually, there is this girl Jessica I have a crush on Gandhi.
But I'm sure Jessica discovered India too.
- Who is that guy? - That's Colin.
He looks like my ex.
He died at Burning Man.
This is an authentic mexican jumping bean.
I got it at Urban Outfitters.
- Devon, Devon! - Who are you yelling at? Devon.
She's my scariest friend.
You have like really kind eyes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Can I take a selfie with you? I guess My dad's gonna really hate that.
All right.
Girl at a party, everyone.
Actor Cuba Gooding Jr who was participating in a Shoot the Puck Competition during intermission at a Chicago Black Hawk preseason game screamed and ripped his shirt off after making a goal.
It was the kind of display that reminded us why it's been a while since anyone showed him the money.
Tomorrow will mark the final Major League Baseball game for Yankee shortstop, Derek Jeter.
Jeter retires after 20 seasons 260 home runs, over 3400 hits and all the ass.
A writer for Orange is the New Black said that working on the show made her realize that she was gay.
While watching what goes on in that woman's prison reminded me that I am not.
Detroit Lions linebacker, Stephen Tullock is out for the year after tearing a knee ligament while celebrating a sack against the Green Bay Packers.
It's a horrific on field incident that the NFL is calling our best news in weeks.
A new study shows that the number of single people in America has reach record high levels.
Here to give her thoughts on the subject is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.
What's up, what's up? Yeah I'm single.
Give it up for the loneliness! So, Leslie, obviously you're excited about being single.
Yeah.
I get to watch Ghost Whisperer on Friday.
Ghost Whisperer? Is that still a show? Of course it is, you sexy vanilla muffin.
If you got the ION channel, it's always on.
All right.
So Leslie, why do you like being single? Well, at this point I don't like it so much as I'm used to it.
You know what I mean? It's hard to date now! Remember back in the day when the only question you had to ask a man was are you single? Now, is a whole interview.
Are you single? Are you on drugs? Are you gay? Are you sure? Do you have any kids? The baby on the way counts as a kid.
It's just too hard now.
Well I hope you don't lose hope Leslie, you know? Cuz sometimes relationships work out.
- For who Jost? Who they work out for? I was with a man for 4 years.
Sure, it was a booty call but damn 4 years! He had to move to Israel to break up with me.
He didn't say goodbye, shalom, or nothing.
You men are all the same.
You just jump in the shower and wash all the women off of you.
But we can't do that as women because you all's spirits are in us.
- I'm sorry, our spirits? You know what I'm talking about you delicious marshmallow.
Spirits just be marching around in my body making me think about him.
Why do I keep smelling this, Jake! Help me, Ghost Whisperer! Help me! You see? You see what relationships do to you? Look at my face! See? Leslie Jones, everybody! Officials with at Staten Island zoo are denying reports that a groundhog used in this year's Groundhog Day ceremony died after Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped it.
Said officials it was really more the stepping on it.
A Shepard in Germany has discovered a rare geep which is a sheep-goat hybrid.
It's believed to be the first sheep-goat hybrid to be discovered since Kid Rock.
A California teacher resigned after she talked in class about programming robots to shoot and kill students.
Her resignation should give her more time at home to work on her army of killer robots.
A Mexican woman thought to be the oldest person in the world reportedly turned 127 on Sunday.
Despite her age, she said she's still living la vida kill me.
A Pennsylvania teenager faces up to 2 years in prison for photographing himself in a sexual position with a statue of Jesus.
Here to comment is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.
How's it going, Che! Good.
Everything's good.
Now, do you approve what this kid did? I don't approve of what he did.
But, however kids my age do that stuff all the time.
For example, Have you ever played the "how much money would you go down on a guy for" game? I don't think so, Pete.
Well.
For those of you who don't know what the game is it's basically one of your friends will be like: "Hey man, would you go down on a guy for a million dollars?" And then we would all lie and be like "no".
So you're saying you would go down on a guy for a million dollars.
Of course I would! A million dollars is a steal.
I hope he starts at a million.
I would it for like 3000 if I had to be honest with myself.
Even if I was doing well.
Like even if I was on a boat and it was my boat.
I would still do it.
A boat needs fuel, a lot of people don't realize that.
They just get a boat, and then they're in the middle of the ocean with no fuel, and they're like: "I wish I went down on that guy".
You know? "I wouldn't be stuck in the middle of the ocean now".
People will be like: "Well, Pete you must be gay".
And I'm like: "No, I'm a business man.
Ok? Look, if you're gay it's fine.
Me and my friends are just trying to make money.
All right? If you don't go down on a guy for a million dollars you obviously don't care about your family.
When I was in high school 3 years ago my opinion was different.
You know? Whenever I played that game and my friends asked me if I would go down on a guy for a million dollars I'd be like, no, gross.
And I meant that because times were different.
I lived with my mom at the time, you know? I had food, clothes I had a TV in my room.
I didn't need to go down on a guy.
My mom's already doing that.
But now, now I live on my own.
So I think, you know, 2 times a year is an acceptable amount of time to go down on a guy.
It makes complete sense, you know? Once in the summers you have a great summer, you know? You go to Six Flags, you bring your entire family get the flash pass.
And then once right before Christmas so the whole family eats, you know? I actually think that's quite noble.
Just think of how proud you'll be at Thanksgiving dinner when your grandpa is saying grace.
And he's like: "We'd like to thank Pete's mouth for this wonderful feast".
Some people like: "Hey, Pete, won't you have to go to therapy?" And I'm like: "Yeah.
But guess who could afford therapy now".
your man, Pete Davidson, everybody! A new study shows that Beaumont, Texas is the least educated city in the country.
Oh, man.
Wait until they don't read about this.
It was revealed that Tyler Perry is expecting his first child with his girlfriend.
Perry is reported to be very excited about being a grandmother.
Perry says he doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as the baby has tern fingers and tern ters.
Now, it's no secret that it's been a rough summer for president Obama.
Between gridlock in Washington and the situation in the Middle East his poll numbers are at an all time low.
So we just want to take a minute to say cheer up, president Obama.
Because no matter how hard stuff seems right now, things are gonna get easier.
Child, things are gonna get easier Child, things'll get brighter Hey, Mr.
president, I know things seem bad right now.
But on the bright side, after the mid term elections pretty much nothing you do will matter.
I mean, and then you'll be free to become the first Black president I was truly hoping for.
It could be so much fun! You thought people flipped out over your tan suit? Wait until they see you in a purple suit! You could give the next State of the Union looking like you're the number one pick at the NBA draft.
Child, things are gonna get easier Hey, look, I know you're taking a lot of heat for how you're handling the ISIS situation, okay? But maybe the American people will forget all about this in a few months.
Right? I mean Benghazi used to seem like a huge deal and now it's just John McCain's safe word.
Child, things are gonna get brighter Plus, if you had a better approval rating you'd have to be all over the country campaigning for other Democrats.
But they don't want you anywhere near them now.
So why don't you just give the campaign to them and hit up the on the run tour, with the real first family Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
Child, things are going to get slightly easier Even better, this will all be over soon.
You've got 2 and a half years left.
That's like one and a half Hobbit movies.
And you know what you could do then? You can smoke, and not just cigarettes.
That's right, you could move to Colorado and open a dispensary called Barack O'Ganjah's and we'd all be cool with it, man.
Plus, you know, everyone loves ex-presidents no matter how good or bad they were.
I mean, the last guy spent 8 years wrecking the economy bombing every country with sand in it and all we had to do to make us forget what he did was paint an okay picture of a dog.
Child, things are gonna get probably not worse And most importantly remember that no matter what, the brothers are always gonna love you.
I mean you could lose a war to Canada and we'd still paint murals of you in the hood.
Right between Martin Luther King and Aaliyah.
I mean, you're gonna have all kinds of stuff named after you.
You might not get an airport like Reagan but it's gotta be pretty cool to know that one day parents may tell their children not to go north to Barrack Obama Boulevard.
Barrack Obama is gonna get his own boulevard Stay south of Barack Obama Boulevard For Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che! I'm Colin Jost, goodnight! (Don Pardo, 1918-2014) I am so happy we came out tonight.
Girls night! Oh, oh my gord! Look at that guy! - Oh he's cute Sheryl.
- You should go talk to him.
Gosh I could never, like what would I even say? Oh come on! You've seen music videos and movies.
- You know how to flirt.
- Gosh, you're right Alberta.
I'm gonna go.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Cheryl.
I don't know how to do this.
I'm nervous, I guess.
I'm hot, sticky, gooey, and I'm ready to pop.
Put, put my gooshy on your tooshy, gonna spin like a top with my big, fat ass.
Yes, you know you want it.
It's my big fat ass.
Okay, bye.
Is that okay? How was that? You seem very horny and loud.
- Okay, that's good, right? - I think so.
I wish I knew what he was thinking.
That girl is so into you, go back and talk to her.
Dude, you know me, I don't know how.
Just be confident, like all the guys you see.
- Have swag! - Yes.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Gosh, I'm so nervous.
- Me too.
You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel ? gonna plow through your panties like I'm running on diesel gonna open up my jeans, say pop goes the weasel pop, pop, goes the weasel.
Pop, pop, goes the weasel.
All right, bye.
Hey Todd, hey Todd, did you just say plow through your panties like I'm running on diesel? - I guess so.
- What does that mean? I, I guess like I'm a truck that speeds through her panties, I Wow.
Really great.
Girls love that.
And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I'd say, pop goes the weasel.
Very cool, Cheryl.
Go back over there and talk to him.
Okay.
So tell me about yourself.
- Okay.
Well, I went to Wellesley and I double majored in Women's Studies and my big fat ass, ba,ba, ba, big fat ass Oh, my god! Look at my ass! Look, look, look at my ass B b b big fat ass What about you? Like, what kind of girls are you into? You know? I guess it's tough.
I guess I like girls drop that ass low and shut the hell up they freak, freak, freak You know, I mean that kind of stuff.
Yeah, that sounds neat.
You guys! He said he likes girls who shut the hell up! That's not good, Cheryl! You're a feminist! He also mentioned asses and you have one of those.
Yeah.
Am I the only one who thinks Cheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard? But honestly, like what else do girls even say? - Talk about your family.
- Okay.
So, I have one brother He's name is Mikey and he looks a viking He's got some junker in his trunker so they say he looks like me, cuz I got a big, fat ass Jenna, you're back on the ass stuff again! Okay.
So why don't you, So why don't you tell me more about you? My name's Todd and I like that bod ?? come over we can smoke some crack, crack, crack Hey, Todd! Todd, you're not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you? - Is that what I said? - Yeah.
Listen Todd.
I just, I want you to know I'm down to flurp and slurp ?? I know you like it when I flurp my worp - What were those words? - I don't know.
I just like, I like you a lot.
Would you like to go on a date sometime? Oh, yeah, I'd love too.
And I'll make sure I bring my big fat ass.
And I would pump it like I'm, gettin gas Please don't quit your day job.
Hey Ben, hey Tyler - Hey, what's up with you? - I guess I'm just having trouble making friends outside.
- What? But you're nice.
If people don't see that, then they don't deserve to be your friend.
Hey! You go pretty fast.
I like to ride my bike fast.
You wanna be part of our group? Sounds cool.
Thanks for letting me be part of your group.
No problem.
- Is Maxie here? - Yeah, he's in his room.
Hey, that's a really nice ball.
Thanks.
Check you later, dudes.
Check you later, dudes? You're not gonna let Maxie hang out with them, are you? Maxie's his own person.
He's not gonna be influenced by boys like that.
Maxie? We're going outside.
Hey, just make sure you're back by 9 o'clock for our favorite tv show.
- No problem.
Check ya later, dudes.
Worrying's not going to bring Maxie home any sooner.
Where were you? Listen, I'm sorry I'm late.
Me and guys ended up going to the park.
I called the park.
They've been closed for 2 hours.
You missed our favorite show.
I'm not gonna let you hang out with Robbie anymore.
Hey, listen! You can't tell me who I get to hang out with.
This is a fight.
Hey, guys wanna play ball? I wish.
I don't have a ball.
I think I know where we can get one.
You want to steal Ben's ball? I'm not gonna steal his ball you are.
Oh hey, Ben.
Is this your ball? Ben, I need to talk to you.
I knew that this was your ball.
- I get it, Maxie.
- I didn't want to steal it.
But it's just so hard to say no to my new friends.
You mean the friends that just ditched you? And left you hanging out to dry? Hey, Ben, Maxie.
Hey Tyler.
You were right about Robbie.
I'm sorry about about our fight.
Thank you for opening up to me.
The fight is over.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS.
I'm Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.
- Great to be here Jim.
- Obviously the NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.
Well they're trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.
Accountability.
That's what the NFL is all about.
And I think you'll see that reflected in today's player introductions.
First let's meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.
Assault.
Manslaughter.
I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue.
Whole bunch of stuff.
Loitering with an intent to murder.
I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.
Treason.
Involuntary prostitution.
I O.
D'd on penis pills.
I punched a mailman.
That's federal, baby.
And I'm the punter.
Tax fraud.
Wow, certainly a different line up than we're used to seeing.
Well there have been a lot of suspensions so, the teams look significantly different than they did last week.
- The players look less athletic.
- I noticed that as well.
Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they received for their offenses? - Well, no, there weren't any so we're not.
- Oh, right, right, right.
Now, let's meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense.
Burned down a strip club.
American Taliban.
I love cocaine.
Stanford! I haven't done nothing yet, but I'm gonna.
I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.
I was on that cruise, too.
It was pretty fun.
Somali pirate.
I hit my wife.
And I'm his wife, I hit his ass back.
I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama.
Go Panthers! Well, as you can see, it's a whole new era for the National Football League.
- So let's get you straight to the field for kickoff.
We'll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita half time show featuring Chris Brown, and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.
- This is the NFL on CBS.
All right guys, I would say thank you for your time but we're paying you to play video games.
So maybe you should be thanking me.
Yeah, my mom said that we would get 25 bucks.
That is correct.
Up to $25 in food vouchers.
Now your input is going to help make Puzzle World 6 the best game possible.
So all we want is your honest first impression, all right? So Brett, why don't you start us off? Press Start! We need your help.
The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world! If you don't help us solve these puzzles he'll destroy all the love and happiness.
To clear each stage use the pieces to complete the shape.
We'll be right here cheering you on! Ready? Go for it! Way to go.
You did it.
I feel so safe in your arms.
You are.
Press eight for the next puzzle.
That was great.
Does anybody have any feedback on that? Oh, wow, all right.
Brett, go ahead.
Okay, those two people just kissed for a long time.
Yeah, that doesn't seem like it goes with this kind of game.
Well, they're celebrating your puzzle solving skills.
Remember, you're helping them restore love to their kingdom.
But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like hot tension.
Well, guys this is Puzzle World 6.
Okay? so we gotta step up the storytelling as well as the game play.
- Okay, well, like the game play was like stupid easy.
Stupid easy.
All right, that helps.
Great! Claudia, why don't you do the next one.
Stage two, complete the shape.
The faster you do it, the more points you get! Ready? Go for it! Way to go! You did it! No! - What? No, please.
- What, what? It was a terrible accident! I was in an explosion! I'm hideous! You're beautiful! Great job! You've got serious puzzle power! How many levels are in this game? So we better get going.
- Ben, jump in here.
- Oh, man Stage three, go! - You have to leave.
- What! Why? You know why, I'm married! Their relationship drama's blocking the puzzle.
I can't play! I can't play the game! Okay, okay, enough, enough! Quit the game! Quit the game! Oh no, game over! Evil wins, fools! Excuse me, Brett, we still have like 3 hours of testing.
That's going to go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.
I don't care! You can keep the $25! I just can't take anymore of that! What?